Ease the kids into it,or shock the heck out of them?

[Rogina B]

In all fairness,the mothers aren't on here to defend themselves,however... There have been more than a few posts recently that mentioned telling the kids was a dealbreaker or no no..whatever the term used. In at least two of these cases,the forum member here was considering transition. I also met recently at a Rememberance Day service,another transitioning person in the same boat. What is gained by not telling the kids something?" Dad likes to wear girls clothes because he enjoys that"..it doesn't have to be the whole story and can be played out so many ways to ease kids into accepting it.Other than keeping family therapists more busy,shocking them later seems like the wrong way to go.What kid wouldn't feel "upset" to be told that their Dad wants to be a Woman and Mom isn't happy so Dad is leaving them so he can do this. Oh,and he is also going to change his first and last name to protect them from"embarrassment,humiliation"?[I don't know what] And if Dad is good to Mom financially,then "She" can see you from time to time.Where the wisdom is in waiting to shock them is beyond me.And I don't think you always get good advice from a[therapist,lawyer,accountant] that stands to gain from your misfortune or bad decision.Granted boys are far more difficult than girls to grasp Dad issues unless they see that Mom is on board with it. Girls are more apt to think it is cool that you want to be one of them,unless there are unspoken other issues in the household. No kid wants to sense that his world is blowing up around him and he will be directionless soon. Although this could be aplied to CDers,it is more directed at those on here seriously considering permanent changes.Oh,and I did confront the transitioning person I met at that service when she said she had not told her SO and son yet..all the while she is showing me her little budding boobies in the girl's room..Why wait with kids?

[Beverley Sims]

Those that want to shock the "hell" out of them deserve whatever unsavoury repercussions they get.
That is insane. I am surprised that this sort of advice is out there.

[Angela Campbell]

Keeping information which may cause embarrassment in the community, or change someones life if they knew it, is not a bad thing to do if the secret can be kept well. It is a good thing in many cases. Kids may not have the emotional maturity to deal with such things and if there is a way to shield them from it then they will be better off. Once they are older then the decision can be made depending on the circumstances. People will need to make their own choices in matters such as these but in my book as a parent I am here to guide, educate, provide for, and protect my children. I see no good coming from discussing this with my kids even now that they are all grown up, but would certainly never discuss such a thing when they are young.

That is if the secret can be kept. (as in my case) If it is a case of someone who is going to transition they would have some pretty difficult choices to make. On one hand the transition could wait until the kids are old enough to handle it, on the other if that is just not possible then I would think some counseling for the entire family would be a good choice. Just shocking someone with a potentially life changing event is never a good idea. (the life change I am talking about is the life of the transitioning persons family not the person who is transitioning)

[Kate Simmons]

This would be a tough row to hoe in any situation. If the family survives something like this, it's wonderful but there are never any guarantees with something so seemingly radical in many people's eyes.:)

[Foxglove]

I'm not sure that telling the kids and shocking them are the same thing. I have read of cases where young children were put in the picture and handled it quite well.

In certain cases, e.g., if one parent is transitioning, it seems they have to know about it. I suppose a lot depends on how you go about things.

Annabelle

[AllieSF]

I understand what you are saying and agree that telling the kids, as well as the SO, is better sooner rather than later. But, as another poster above says, there may be circumstances that justify the decision to tell later. I also agree that easing them into it over time is also better then a big surprise where everyone is caught off guard. Another "but", each person has to make their own decisions based on their unique circumstances, experiences, knowledge and their ability to accurately predict what might happen if they revealed everything now. I have personal experience with two friends whose "other half" took the kids and never let the other partner see them again, and both had nothing to do with being transgendered. They were divorce situations.

[Eryn]

Giving a small child the responsibility for a Big Secret is not fair. They are unlikely to be able to keep such a secret and will feel shame and guilt at their failure to do so. The CDer will undoubtedly be outed and if the child happens to confide to a caregiver who is subject to mandated reporting laws it might result in an uncomfortable and unwarranted visit from Children's Services

Small children do not have the ability to grasp how strongly CDing holds us and trivializing it as "Daddy like to wear girls clothes" makes it harder for them to understand in the long run. Better to wait until they can comprehend the whole picture as it is explained to them.

With my own daughters we waited until they were mature enough to understand the gravity of the situation and independent enough that this revelation about their father would not be a major emotional burden to them. This involved quite a bit of inconvenience to us while they were getting to that stage but it was worth it in avoiding negative outcomes.

[Rogina B]

This isn't about dressing as some might think without fully reading my thoughts. It is about people thinking of transitioning yet not having a real plan or timeline as to when to involve the kids.Some mothers are in denial and pretend that it will go away. I just think it is possibly better if the MtoF changes were put in a rational way to the kids..What kid wouldn't be shocked when their family life blows up and they find out that Dad is leaving them to become a woman? My experience shows me that kids can handle dressing,and what goes with it. Why wouldn't it be better to ease them into Dad's changing lifestyle?

[kimdl93]

I'm not sure that telling the kids and shocking them are the same thing. I have read of cases where young children were put in the picture and handled it quite well.

In certain cases, e.g., if one parent is transitioning, it seems they have to know about it. I suppose a lot depends on how you go about things.

Annabelle

Id have to agree. We sometimes don't credit kids (of any age) with intelligence or perception. I would think that beginning a conversation with kids would be preferrable to waiting for them to discover by accident or by an act of cruelty perpetrated by an estranged spouse.

[Rogina B]

Id have to agree. We sometimes don't credit kids (of any age) with intelligence or perception. I would think that beginning a conversation with kids would be preferrable to waiting for them to discover by accident or by an act of cruelty perpetrated by an estranged spouse.

But we aren't talking about dressing...this is about those that are making moves toward transitioning...the loss of Dad as they know him..

[kimdl93]

But we aren't talking about dressing...this is about those that are making moves toward transitioning...the loss of Dad as they know him..

I realize that RG...and the same conditions apply. Even with a supportive spouse, the moment a parent begins down the path to transition, the plans must be laid out for explaining the changes that are forthcoming. To simply wait till it becomes obvious would be inconsiderate to the children.

[Rogina B]

I realize that RG...and the same conditions apply. Even with a supportive spouse, the moment a parent begins down the path to transition, the plans must be laid out for explaining the changes that are forthcoming. To simply wait till it becomes obvious would be inconsiderate to the children.

You are so right and I am amazed by people that think they can wait until they get past the point of no return...like the person I met at the service waiting to tell until the kid goes away to college.But the E is changing them daily..

[Chickhe]

Yes! Shock the heck out of them!.... but, do it on halloween. This way, its enjoyable for everyone and when the story gets out, it goes something like...'your dad, is cool he dressed in drag for halloween'. ...later on, if you go a step further, the same initial story is out there so its not new news. ...but also, I would say gradually, teach them about it and remind them that you dressed up... I think I would stay away from explaining it, instead just do it. Of course, if you are talking a lifestyle change, that's something else, but I would say if that was to happen, they should have figured it out already.

[noeleena]

Hi,

So this is about young children three of , okay so then add in 9 grandkids, In our family we have 16 so a lot to loose & we... may... have two more comeing .

I know how i would go about the ...telling...& did, there is a few details different yet its similar, im 65 years old

I told Jos i was a woman 19 years ago.we had then been married for 24 years, after Jos knew we had 8 years of hell to get through while this was going on we told Kaylyn , then she told our two sons, of cause some of our grandkids were told,

Jos has accepted i am a female / woman , intersexed , it took Jos 8 years to accept Kaylyn has lost her father, the same for Cliff & Nathan so that is only one part of what its about, Kaylyn has accepted though will allways call me dad, Cliff has accepted yet try & think how youd be with a hurdle as great as this to work through, he has his moments ,

Nathan well he is a bit like me in many ways a builder been through Military training he's been around the world per the N Z Army.thinks a bit like i did, ill say did, more concerning work & doing things i cant say male as i was not a true male, hey no bigg'e , He finds it a lot harder to accept yet i think & know he's done very well.

As for our grandkids, they all accept each in thier own way, Dejarn is 9 y ,11 m has grown up with Jos & i so will tell others what i am remember we spent a lot of time together camps meeting many many people so is pretty well versed in myself, the whole nine yards,

For me let your children grow up with what ever you do in life, dont hide any aspect of it like its forbidden treat your kids as kids talk in thier langage dont talk down to them as they wont understand or they wont / cant . think as a child & act so they can understand bring them in to the ,= do you like these clothes do you think they'll look nice on me let them have a say, & quess what it can be fun if you let it be fun.

My detail or issue was not one of hideing what i was / am it was one of i did not know the words to be able to explain, think back 55 years, was a bit different then plus had i said im different i would have been carted off to the nuthouse, & done over like many have as we have accounts to that , so i keeped it shut up in side of myself i knew i had too.

Its only over the last few years that our difference has been shown ,

our family is pretty tight, we do have other family issues & we can work through them, so its not just about myself,

Would i have done different had i known , i dought it because we cant choose our future & we cant change our past, all id say is i know in my life every thing has been the way it should be, things could have been very different for our kids, had they not accepted what & who i am.

My advise is tell your wife , when there are children bring them up in all aspects of your & wife's life, enjoy them while you have them & dont hide anything, teach them there are difference's that are normal or a part of real life,

Hope this helps you,

...noeleena...

[Karen_K]

Giving a small child the responsibility for a Big Secret is not fair. They are unlikely to be able to keep such a secret and will feel shame and guilt at their failure to do so.

Eryn, I agree, and this is something my wife and I are currently dealing with. Our son is 21 months old now, so he will soon be in that gray area where he can talk about Daddy wearing girls clothes, but can't comprehend the need to keep it quiet (I am out only to my wife.) At the same time, I prefer not to keep it a secret from him for his entire life. So we are trying to decide when to tell him. At what age did you tell your daughters?

I think in general, one question one should ask when deciding to tell someone, is what benefit that person will receive by knowing, and not so much what benefit one will receive by them knowing.

[Foxglove]

Giving a small child the responsibility for a Big Secret is not fair. They are unlikely to be able to keep such a secret and will feel shame and guilt at their failure to do so.


Eryn, I agree, and this is something my wife and I are currently dealing with.

I think in general, one question one should ask when deciding to tell someone, is what benefit that person will receive by knowing, and not so much what benefit one will receive by them knowing.

I think the point the OP is making is that there are different situations. If it's a CDer in the closet, there may well be no need to tell the children and what you're saying in your posts is perfectly valid.

However, if it's a case of a parent who's transitioning, that's a different matter altogether. I once saw a video of a couple where the dad was transitioning and they were staying together. In that kind of case, obviously the children have to know, they will know. So you have to decide how to present it to them. If I remember correctly, in this case the kids appeared a bit confused, but accepting.

[Karen_K]

I think the point the OP is making is that there are different situations. If it's a CDer in the closet, there may well be no need to tell the children and what you're saying in your posts is perfectly valid.

Yes, I understand that there are two parallel threads going here. My situation is more like Eryn's (non-transitioning CD out only to my wife), so I thought it appropriate to comment. Clearly a person transitioning would be in a different situation.

[Eryn]

Eryn, I agree, and this is something my wife and I So we are trying to decide when to tell him. At what age did you tell your daughters?

I'm a late blooming CDer so I am not a good example. We told our daughters very recently, now that they have gone away to college.

[Rogina B]

And you are an admitted CDer...I posted this aimed at those transition planners that delay telling the kids that they are losing their Dad as they know him. Seems to me that easing them into it[focusing on dressing the part] is better than dragging them to the shrink and announcing that you want to become a woman and are leaving them to do so,will change yor first and last names,but will always love them!!
I'm a late blooming CDer so I am not a good example. We told our daughters very recently, now that they have gone away to college.

[Eryn]

I posted this aimed at those transition planners that delay telling the kids that they are losing their Dad as they know him.

Sorry for overlooking your desire for TS responders. I assumed that you wanted CDer input since you posted your question in the MtF Crossdresser forum. I will move your thread to a more appropriate forum