View Full Version : Fighting, Truth, Acceptance, and Thanks . . . .
Anne2345
12-10-2012, 11:17 PM
I have fought against myself and denied who I am my entire life.
Battle after battle, conflict after conflict, I fought on and on.
I waged war. I wouldn’t give up. I pressed forward. The campaign was long, hard, grueling, and unforgiving.
As hostilities increased, losses rose, and casualties mounted.
Regardless, I ignored the damage, the bloodshed, and the contaminated, desolate waste, devastation, chaos, and carnage left behind in its wake.
My struggle was based upon fear, fear, and more fear. Fear of life. Fear of society. Fear of others. Fear of rejection. Fear of loss. Fear of change. Fear of the world. Fear of who I was. Fear of myself. And fear of who I really am.
The struggle, to say the last, was painful, intense, and brutal.
Still, I fought until I could fight no longer. I fought until I was completely broken. I fought until I was entirely beaten senseless, and thoroughly exhausted and worn down by the effort.
Then, and only then, I slowly, cautiously, and tentatively raised the white flag. I put down my weapons of choice and preference. I tossed in the towel, stained deeply of tears wept and spilt blood, and dropped to my knees.
I surrendered. I yielded. I gave up.
I lost.
Except a funny thing happened in so doing . . . .
The world did not spontaneously combust. The seas did not rise up and swallow all of the lands. The moon did not come crashing surreptitiously into the Earth. And the cool side of a McDLT continued to remain cool, as the hot side, ever at odds with the cool side, stubbornly stayed hot.
But how could this be? How could the sun continue to rise, day in and day out? How could life continue on?
Much to my surprise, I finally began to understand what many of you have been writing about for so long now. I began to see the truth of your collective words and wisdom. I began to understand it. I began to face it in earnest, and to face myself honestly.
The truth is hope. The truth is life. The truth is being.
And the truth is found within real, legitimate, soul searching, and battle-scarred, battle-earned victories of self-acceptance.
After all these years, after a few decades have flown by, I now get that I was my own worst enemy, and that I allowed myself to be controlled by my own fear.
In the past, I have blamed others for my failures. I have blamed sociey. I have blamed prejudice, ignorance, and intolerance.
But the fact of the matter is that I have run from myself, and shamefully so. I am a victim of my own denial, deceit, deception, fear, and lies, by my own hand.
For this, I have no one to blame but myself. I did this to me. I allowed this to happen. I let myself down when really I should have known better. I was weak, much too weak. I did not give myself enough credit. I did not believe in myself. I thought those things that are possible were anything but, and impossible by default. I was completely wrong. And you all were right.
So please feel free to line up and tell me “I told you so.” I have it coming. I deserve it, and I am a big enough person to now to accept it.
The truth, though, is that I did not lose the war.
In fact, I am still fighting it. It’s just that the stakes are different, and I have changed sides.
Instead, I no longer fight against myself. With a renewed sense of vigor and strength, and bolstered by a sense of hope I have not experienced in years, I now fight for me, for who I am, and for who I should be.
I am under no illusions about the future, however, and what it may entail. But for now, I feel really good. I feel right. I feel like I am finally on the right path, making progress, moving forward, and seeing more clearly than I ever have before.
I shall begin HRT soon. I actually very much look forward to it. My first appointment with my HRT doc is scheduled for next week.
I am chock full of excitement and hope over the prospect. One day at a time, one step at a time. I feel good, and I embrace that. I had forgotten what such positive emotions could feel like. It’s nice, and I hope I can sustain it.
So feel free to tell me you told me so at your convenience.
And I really, really appreciate you all for being there for me all of this time. Your kindness, compassion, understanding, advice, support, friendship, and love has meant sooooo much to me. I cannot even begin to adequately express my gratitude in words. Just know that I love, respect, and admire you all . . . .
Anne :)
No "I told you so" from me! I'm still figuring this out a day at a time!
You're doing great, Anne. Hopefully the barriers will fall a bit more easily from now on.
Kittie
12-10-2012, 11:26 PM
Inspirational writing Anne, I'm quite sure what you have written rings true with more than a few of us. A sparkling glass of Rose wine to you! :)
Bree Wagner
12-10-2012, 11:51 PM
Beautiful writing Anne. All I can do is wish you good fortune on the rest of your journey.
-Bree
Barbara Ella
12-11-2012, 12:01 AM
Always a treat, but while what you say may well be true, there is nothing there to beat yourself up over. Consider wht I think are important idioms.
1. You must go through it to truly appreciate all the intricacies of the situation. No one, absolutely no one can relate your specifics to you.
2. You can never begin to appreciate the heights until you have visited the depths of your life. The key is recognizing and not staying there.
3. Not everyone's depths will reach the same level of desparation, and that is not a comment on their ability to recognize or adjust for them, just a fact.
4. Until one takes full responsibility for all of their actions can they recognize what they did and make the required adjustments.
5. Anyone who says "I told you so" really did not have a clue about what you really were experiencing to begin with.
6. The love you get is equal to the love you give. Thank you Beatles for that one.
you are arriving girl, enjoy, and take notes so that you can keep reporting like this for the rest of us who are still trying.
Barbara
DebbieL
12-11-2012, 12:34 AM
When the butterfly comes out of it's cocoon, it must struggle valiantly, but in the struggle, the blood goes from the body to the wings, what was once a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. If the cocoon is cut open, so that the struggle does not happen, the creature that emerges appears more like a caterpillar, with wings devoid of blood they stick almost like skin to the body of the now defenseless creature.
Congratulations, you are becoming a beautiful butterfly. Soon you will be flying on the wind, joyous and free, becoming who you were truly meant to be.
I envy you.
Badtranny
12-11-2012, 12:49 AM
So feel free to tell me you told me so at your convenience.
Well I would except you've already acknowledged my superior wisdom, after you wrote me a scathing PM and subsequently became an FB friend. ;-)
...but seriously folks, you know I want nothing but the best for you. ...and for everyone actually.
KellyJameson
12-11-2012, 01:01 AM
I always worry about you beating yourself up so much, you have such extremely high expectations that you place on yourself.
You are simply wonderfully human Anne but are being asked to be super human because of who you were born to be in a world that does not want us born.
There are a few things I always remind myself about.
I'm so far from perfect that I will need several thousand lifetimes to even get close and I'm cool with that.
The only thing I have to fear is fear itself. I think it was Mickey Mouse who first said that.
Sometimes the only escape from pain is more pain.
I follow Melissa on FB and see you popping up. I do not get on much but let me know if you want me to send a friend request but be warned that associating with me will lower your stock value in relation to your other friends on FB who will judge you for the company you keep :)
josee
12-11-2012, 03:05 AM
Anne sweety, you have such a flair for the dramatic! It's one of the things I love most about you.
You have described perfectly the internal and external
turmoil of an emerging transsexual. You described my own feelings better than I ever could. Right there with you sister.
Anyone ever tell you you should be a writer??
Rianna Humble
12-11-2012, 03:28 AM
Been there, done that got the tee shirt (and the battle scars) but could never have expressed it as eloquently as you have Anne, so not "I told you so here" (sorry to disappoint you).
Just one thing I would query - it's in your title
Fighting, Truth, Acceptance, and Thanks . . . .
Why fight thanks? :heehee:
jaleecd
12-11-2012, 03:37 AM
To quote a famous intellect-Pogo- We have met the enemy and he is Us!!!!
Kaitlyn Michele
12-11-2012, 06:40 AM
good luck with your HRT Anne
its wonderful to see you use your powers for good...its a sign of your good nature that you feel others helped you in a way that makes you want to give thanks
what you are doing is a big deal... all the dramatic descriptions you laid out are very apt for your situation..i wish you were exaggerating..i felt alot of what you felt so i know what you write about is on target...
the one thing missing from your thinking is the ability to apply the same flair to how incredibly strong and courageous you are to face this and move in a positive direction for yourself...regardless of how this shakes , you are facing down a brutal problem I hope you can feel the well deserved pride and satisfaction of doing something good for yourself against tough odds...
Jorja
12-11-2012, 07:56 AM
Truth, Justice, and the .......... wait a minute this isn't the Justice League!
No "I told you so here". I am glad to see you moving forward. I hope you will find the peace of mind and the happiness that has eluded you.
kimdl93
12-11-2012, 08:21 AM
Next time, and there probably will be a next time, you feel that you're at war with yourself, pull up this piece. Your own words may help you regain perspective and a measure of peace.
the one thing missing from your thinking is the ability to apply the same flair to how incredibly strong and courageous you are to face this and move in a positive direction for yourself...
Hmmm - nice thought. So, with some tweaks here and there, here are some suggestions, Anne:
I have fought for myself[-] and denied who I am my entire life.[/-]
Battle after battle, conflict after conflict, I [-]fought on and on. [/-] won them all.
I waged war. I wouldn’t give up. I pressed forward. The campaign was long, hard, [-]grueling, and unforgiving.[/-] and ultimately rewarding.
[-]As hostilities increased, losses rose, and casualties mounted.
Regardless, I ignored the damage, the bloodshed, and the contaminated, desolate waste, devastation, chaos, and carnage left behind in its wake.[/-]
My struggle was based upon fear, fear, and more fear. Fear of life. Fear of society. Fear of others. Fear of rejection. Fear of loss. Fear of change. Fear of the world. Fear of who I was. Fear of myself. And fear of who I really am.
The struggle, to say the last, was painful, intense, and brutal.
Still, I fought until I could fight no longer. I fought until [-]I[/-] what was false in me was completely broken. [-]I fought until I was entirely beaten senseless, and thoroughly exhausted and worn down by the effort. [/-]
Then[-], and only then,[/-] I [-]slowly, cautiously, and tentatively [/-]raised the [-]white[/-] victory flag. [-]I put down my weapons of choice and preference. I tossed in the towel, stained deeply of tears wept and spilt blood, and[/-] I dropped to my knees and gave thanks..
[-]I surrendered. I yielded. I gave up. [/-]
I [-]lost[/-] WON!
[-]Except a funny thing happened in so doing . . . .[/-]
[-]The world did not spontaneously combust. The seas did not rise up and swallow all of the lands. The moon did not come crashing surreptitiously into the Earth. And the cool side of a McDLT continued to remain cool, as the hot side, ever at odds with the cool side, stubbornly stayed hot.
But how could this be? How could the sun continue to rise, day in and day out? How could life continue on? [/-]
Much to my surprise, I finally began to understand what many of you have been writing about for so long now. I began to see the truth of your collective words and wisdom. I began to understand it. I began to face it in earnest, and to face myself honestly.
The truth is hope. The truth is life. The truth is being.
And the truth is found within real, legitimate, soul searching, and battle-scarred, battle-earned victories of self-acceptance.
After all these years, after a few decades have flown by, I now get that I was my own worst enemy, and that I allowed myself to be controlled by my own fear.
In the past, I have blamed others for my failures. I have blamed sociey. I have blamed prejudice, ignorance, and intolerance.
But the fact of the matter is that I have run from myself, and shamefully so. I am a victim of my own denial, deceit, deception, fear, and lies, by my own hand.
For this, I have no one to blame but myself. I did this to me. I allowed this to happen. I let myself down when really I should have known better. I was weak, much too weak. I did not give myself enough credit. I did not believe in myself. I thought those things that are possible were anything but, and impossible by default. I was completely wrong. And you all were right.
[-]So please feel free to line up and tell me “I told you so.” I have it coming. I deserve it, and I am a big enough person to now to accept it. [/-]
The truth, though, is that I [-]did[/-] [-]not[/-] won the war.
In fact, I am [-]still fighting it.[/-] now directing the battle! [-]It’s just that the [/-] The stakes are different, and I have changed sides.
[-]Instead, I no longer fight against myself. [/-]With a renewed sense of vigor and strength, and bolstered by a sense of hope [-]I have not experienced in years[/-], I now fight for me, for who I am, and for who I should be.
I am under no illusions about the future, however, and what it may entail. But for now, I feel really good. I feel right. I feel like I am finally on the right path, making progress, moving forward, and seeing more clearly than I ever have before.
I shall begin HRT soon. I actually very much look forward to it. My first appointment with my HRT doc is scheduled for next week.
I am chock full of excitement and hope over the prospect. One day at a time, one step at a time. I feel good, and I embrace that. I had forgotten what such positive emotions could feel like. It’s nice, and I hope I can sustain it.
[-]So feel free to tell me you told me so at your convenience. [/-]
And I really, really appreciate you all for being there for me all of this time. Your kindness, compassion, understanding, advice, support, friendship, and love has meant sooooo much to me. I cannot even begin to adequately express my gratitude in words. Just know that I love, respect, and admire you all . . . .
Anne :)
Of such things are new narratives born! Gotta watch the revisionism, though ...
In truth, Anne, Kaitlyn is right about giving yourself credit. Something in you kept going. Whatever happened in the rest of your life, this time you passed through it.
Dawn cd
12-11-2012, 10:39 AM
Anne, congratulations on getting to the place where you are. It was a painful journey but you have prevailed—a cause for joy! Still, I am curious about the relationship between self-acceptance and acceptance by others. Will this this vulnerable but honest persona be welcomed by outsiders, or will she be feared? Surely part of the struggle was wondering whether you could EXPRESS your new-found self to the world. Beginning HRT seems to signal your belief that you CAN express it.
melissaK
12-11-2012, 01:39 PM
Anne, Kaitlyn, and LeaP,
I enjoyed the OP Anne, very much. Not much that didn't track my path and experiences, including the fear paragraph.
I really enjoyed LeaP's rewrite implementing Kaitlyns idea. I needed that POV change too.
KimberlyAU
12-12-2012, 11:42 PM
Tears in my eyes as I read this. I wish I could have expressed myself as well.
scarlett
12-13-2012, 01:28 AM
[QUOTE=LeaP;3046375]Hmmm - nice thought. So, with some tweaks here and there, here are some suggestions, Anne:
Of such things are new narratives born! Gotta watch the revisionism, though ...
In truth, Anne, Kaitlyn is right about giving yourself credit. Something in you kept going. Whatever happened in the rest of your life, this time you passed through it.[/QUOTE
Putting words in someones' mouth?
morgan51
12-14-2012, 09:02 AM
Great writing Anne I am happy to call you Sis. It will get better and it will be difficult but transition is the best thing I've ever done for Me! I'll never tell you I told you so. Each has thier own reality and there is no way to see what is comming for anyone, I can't even imagine what is comming for me.
[QUOTE=LeaP;3046375]Hmmm - nice thought. So, with some tweaks here and there, here are some suggestions, Anne:
Of such things are new narratives born! Gotta watch the revisionism, though ...
In truth, Anne, Kaitlyn is right about giving yourself credit. Something in you kept going. Whatever happened in the rest of your life, this time you passed through it.[/QUOTE
Putting words in someones' mouth?
I have no idea what this means.
Rianna Humble
12-14-2012, 12:44 PM
Hmmm - nice thought. So, with some tweaks here and there, here are some suggestions, Anne:
<more positive spin here>
Of such things are new narratives born! Gotta watch the revisionism, though ...
I'll agree with the last sentiment. Whenever someone spins a narrative, they risk losing the point behind the words.
In this case that point that I read and agreed with was all about years of denial and possibly missed opportunities until Anne came to a place where the part which was in denial and trying to put her off from transition ran out of fight. With only a very few words difference that version could have been my story, but not the spin saying that I had fought valiantly to overcome the denial for the decades where I did no such thing.
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