Trying to get my wife to accept

[AngoraGirl]

I am a heterosexual married crossdresser. A few years ago I told my wife about my cross dressing and she freaked out. Three days of crying. She told me that she couldn't deal with it. I didn't push the issue and continued to do it behind her back. Since then I've tried to broach the subject again a few times and she just doesn't want to accept or talk about it. She insists that I must be gay or want to be a woman. Neither of these are true. I just love the way I feel wearing women's clothes. I really want her to accept this and my dream come true would be for her and I to be intimate while both wearing lingerie. So my question to you all is do you think I should keep pushing the issue or should I just be happy she hasn't left me and continue to do it on my own. I'm really torn... Thanks.

[~Joanne~]

Honestly? I don't think she will ever accept it. I don't think peoples point of view or opinions can change over night, and in most cases, even over the long run. You can't make anyone accept anything really and while your willing to talk about it, she is not unfortunately. I wish there was some way but there just isn't. It's best to keep your dressing in the closet if you want to save your marriage.

Since you didn't mention how long you have been married, even if for a short time, you should have had a somewhat idea of her views before mentioning it to her, preferably before you got married. Don't be shocked, or surprised, if she doesn't use it against you sometime in the future.

I wish I had something more positive to say but unfortunately, it is what it is at this point. Will she never change? never say never but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting. sorry :(

[Jenniferathome]

Well, I think you can rule out the "intimate while dressed" part. But talking about this is a good thing. You may be successful in approaching her with the two of you visiting a therapist. She, like virtually every woman in history who has learned her SO is a cross dresser, has asked and thinks the same: you must be gay and/or you must want to be a woman. It's normal. She needs to be able to talk about this objectively. A therapist may be that avenue.

As for getting her to "accept" that may never happen. Even so, since Don't Ask, Don't Tell, does not work, you need to reach some agreement on discussion. A third party can help.

Good luck

[AngoraGirl]

We've been married 7 years. I told her about 2 years in. She had told me that once in college she had a quick lesbian experience and I used that as my entry point to bring up my fantasy to have a "lesbian" experience with her. That's when the water works and anger started...

[~Joanne~]

We've been married 7 years. I told her about 2 years in. She had told me that once in college she had a quick lesbian experience and I used that as my entry point to bring up my fantasy to have a "lesbian" experience with her. That's when the water works and anger started...

Like Jennifer suggested , you may want to try a therapist, for both of you but when you said "she couldn't deal with it", even a therapist probably wouldn't help. 5 years and she isn't interested in the slightest, that's not a good sign.

[Jorja]

Tie her to a chair and force her eyes open with toothpicks. Make her watch you strut your stuff while all dolled up.

That makes about much sense as anything else you could do at this point.

Look Hon, she knows because you have told her. You can't force someone to like the things you like. Either they do or they don't. Just be happy she hasn't left you and continue to do it on your own if dressing is that important to you.

[franlee]

Jordan,
You are in a terrible situation. And as I see it a no win situation. If you enjoy CDing and want to do it you are not going to change. If she is that hard lined against it chances are she is either so you have a desission to make. Go through life hiding in your own house and life or sitting down and working out who gets what. I personaly couldn't live that way, and would have to weigh it all out and cut my loses one way or the other. You can quite CDing if you "want to" but it is worse than smoking and drinking combined for me. I quite the later too because I wanted to, but I don't want to and will not stop dressing for my wife or anyone else for that matter, but I would have to realy do a lot of soul searching before letting her go.
First thing I would consider would be are there kids involved? Am I providing for her and suppling a safe and comfortable living? And what is it that makes her so selfish? Do I (you) give into any of her desires that are not what I (you) agree with or enjoy? Or am I being selfish? And I can't see where you are selfish if you want to enjoy something that hurts no-one and makes you happy while still maintaining the things that she enjoys and uses.
But every person has their own agenda and reasons for the things they demand. But I can't see you ever having a happy life with the darkness this has brought into your life and marriage. I would like to sound possitive and give you hope but you asked for the truth, didn't you?

[Stephanie47]

If it has been three years since you told her, and, she is not accepting; does not want to talk about it; and, she has not thrown you out the door, then you're in a 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' relationship. Welcome to the club! I've been in a DADT marriage. My wife has known for over thirty years. I respect her declination to discuss it any further than we did those years ago. She knows who I am, and, who I am not.

If she were to give you an ultimatum that you could not live with, then maybe you may re evaluate your marriage. Are you going to give her an ultimatum that she must participate or watch you don dresses and heels, when she does not want any part of it?

I would not be taking a militant attitude unless you're willing to bear the consequences.

[DanaR]

When I initially told my wife she had all of the normal questions, are you gay and do you you to become a women. She gave me time so I come dress while she and the kids would go somewhere for the day. It was probably 12 years later, after I joined Emerald City in Seattle (a social group), I asked her if you would like to come to the Emerald City Christmas Party. After a couple of weeks of her thinking about it, she decided to go. She had a great time and several days later gave me a big hug and told me she was okay with it. After that she started going out with me, usually only when we were out of town. So maybe if you are patient, things might get better.

[ReineD]

She needs to move beyond what she thinks it is, obviously. You can explain to her that what she has seen and read in the media has been sensationalized and it is not accurate. You can let her know there are many gender non-conforming people who are just like you, and who feel they must stay closeted since there are so many people who share your wife's beliefs that it is wrong to be born gender non-conforming.

And then you can tell her that it hurts you if she is not willing to just learn about this, since this means that she is rejecting a part of who you are.

Please print this PDF document and read it thoroughly before you give it to your wife. It is addressed to the parents, families, and friends of transgenders and gender non-conforming people. It is published by PFLAG (an organization for the parents and families), and it is about 60 pages long. It explains everything.

The document: http://community.pflag.org/Document.Doc?id=202

The transgender section of the PFLAG general website with other resources: http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=1301

One last thing: please do not expect her to participate or accept this with open arms after you both have read the document, let alone expect her to be intimate with you dressed. She still will have many issues to work through, since she has not been socialized to be attracted to feminine men. It is possible to work through these issues (as long as this is more than just fetish to you), at least to get to the point where she might be able to see you dressed, but it will take time, if it ever gets there. A reasonable expectation for now, would be to acknowledge that your wife is not into this and respect her wishes to not be involved, but at the same time ask her to respect who you are and at least allow you time and space (that you will both agree on) to express yourself, preferably without any negative judgment on her part. You can tell her that you do not wish to hide or do anything behind her back.

And then, in time as she sees that you are not fundamentally different than who you've always been, the two of you can go from there, with lots of open and honest communication.

... but you need to know that even if she gets to the point where she acknowledges that you need to dress and she becomes accepting of this, she still may not at all be interested in going there with you sexually. There are many accepting GGs who draw the line at the bedroom door and you need to understand that having sex with a man who is dressed as a girl just as much a turn off for these GGs, as it would be for you to have sex with a guy.

[biggirlsarah]

Unfortunately you will never get her to accept ,so dont push it because it is like you are having an affair with someone she cant compete with , if she wont accept then that's it , you will have to accept that, the only way forward is to come to a compromise, maybe her allowing you to dress for a few hours on a Saturday evening or if there is a help group nearby then letting you go to that,because how ever hard you try it isn't going to go away, I wish you luck in your relationship, it is probably going to be a bit difficult for a while ,

[AmyGaleRT]

Oh, heck, Jordan, my fiancee is quite accepting and supportive of Amy, but even so, she would not go for the "both intimate in lingerie" scenario. There are certain lines she won't cross, and she doesn't want me crossing. She wants her man in her bed with her. Perhaps that's how your wife might feel.

You two have a lot of work ahead of you...the other ladies in this thread have said as much as I could at this point.

- Amy

[AngoraGirl]

Thank you all for your feedback. I think I knew in the back of my mind that I shouldn't push the issue but it did really help hearing everyone's opinions. The last time I brought it up to her (a few weeks ago when a Victoria's Secret catalog came to the house) after insisting again I must be gay she also said that if I had to cd she didn't want to know anything about it. So I went on my own and ordred this amazing angora sweater dress from there and had it shipped to my office. It really sucks that I can't share something I enjoy so much with the woman I love. But other than this issue we have a great marriage and great sex life not to mention two kids. So I'll take all of your advice and keep the dress hidden and only CD when she's not home.

[linda allen]

Unfortunately you will never get her to accept ......

Never say never. I have known people who were very racist and over time learned to accept that people of races other than theirs were "normal" and could even be their friends. It takes time and it takes talking or otherwise learning about it.

I think the mistake many crossdressers make is just thinking about what they want without thinking about their wife. What's in it for the wife? Are you now staying home Saturday night, prancing around in heels when in the past you would have taken her out to dinner and a movie? Are you spending money on crossdressing supplies that should be spent on her or the family?

What I have done is to make sure my wife knows how much I love and appreciate her by telling her every day, by doing household chores I had previously left to her, by holding the door for her, by going shopping with her and buying her clothes (and at the same time buying me some), and in general, being a nicer person.

As for "bedtime" dressed, it may come in time, it may never come. I wouldn't push it, I would gain acceptance of the dressing first. If it ever comes, make sure it's about her, not you. If she enjoys it, it may happen again. If not, it most likely won't.

[linda allen]

.......not to mention two kids. .........
That's probably a big part of the issue. Mothers naturally want to protect their children. What if the children see daddy dressed as a girl?

Your wife might be able to handle your dressing if there were no children, but having children makes all the difference in the world.

[Jana]

So, let me get this straight. Right now you are living under a "don't ask don't tell" policy. Your dream is to have your wife accept you to a degree that would include being sexually active (while xdressed). Hmmm... seems like a difficult situation indeed. Your current scenario isn't ideal, but your dream scenario doesn't seem very likely either.

However, there may be common ground to be found, provided you both sit down and talk openly and honestly to one another. It's important to stop the guesswork (he must be gay, she'll leave me, etc) and talk about real things like fears, feelings, thoughts, needs. So, try to get some sort of dialogue going. And I mean DIALOGUE; talk but also be willing to listen. Good luck!

[Beverley Sims]

It seems unlikely she will ever accept it and you may have to lie a closeted life.
If you let little bits out now and then to see whether her reaction has changed be prepared for any adverse reactions.
Time and lots of patience here I think. I do not condone deceit but it may be therapeutic to stay in hiding.

[Lynn Marie]

As I see it, telling your SO of your crossdressing is akin to telling her you've had an affair. To her, it's the same thing. A broken bond of trust. You cheated on her. Even if that "other woman" was yourself. Her image of the two of you standing arm in arm against the world is now shattered. You have become two people who don't particularly trust one another. I hope you see where this is going.

Your only hope of restoring "that loving feeling" is to restore trust. It isn't going to be easy or quick. What you say is no longer important. What you do will make or break your relationship.

[MsRenee]

If she hasnt accepted it yet hun I hate to say it that she may never accept it From there I dont know what to say except that I wish you luck. in the up coming months of your reletionship.
Renee

[JamieG]

Jordan, I'm a little concerned about the way your current DADT situation has developed. Many of us live with such situations, but usually there is a discussion of boundaries first. For example, something that might seem innocent to you, like going to a CD support group, might be something that she would consider a deal-breaker. Just because she doesn't want to know about it, doesn't mean that you have liberty to do whatever you want behind her back. You need to have a discussion with her to understand what her biggest concerns are, and then negotiate a set of boundaries that both of you can live by. That way, she's not constantly wondering what you're up to and you don't have to guess what would be considered "crossing the line." If you can establish and live within these boundaries, you might even regain some trust and be able to push the boundaries a little further if you need them. However, I would not push on the lingerie while intimate thing. It sounds too painful for her now, and she may never get to a point where she's comfortable with that. Trying to force it on her will just make her hate the CDing more.

[AngoraGirl]

Thank you all again so much for your responses. I have never talked about my cross dressing with anyone else before anywhere other than my attempts to talk about it with my wife. So it definitely helps to talk it out here. You've all given me a lot to think about. It's definitely a little disheartening to realize ill prob never be able to live out my fantasy of being intimate with her while dressed but ill have to think about whether I should try to just get her to understand more about what I'm going through. I hate going behind her back to do this but as I'm sure you all know the desire is sooo strong. I have absolutely no desire to be out in public dressed. I don't even care that much about makeup or looking passable. I just love the way I feel wearing women's clothes especially girly materials like silk and satin and cashmere and angora. I wish there was a way I could get her to understand that it's just the clothes and nothing else. But as some of you have pointed out if after all this time she hasn't accepted or isn't willing to have a conversation about it then maybe she never will... I guess time will tell...

[ReineD]

But as some of you have pointed out if after all this time she hasn't accepted or isn't willing to have a conversation about it then maybe she never will... I guess time will tell...

Acceptance, or even acknowledgment of what this is, does not happen all by itself through osmosis. If the two of you are not talking or if she is not making an effort to read material put out by experts about this, then nothing will change. Ever.

You need to do your homework too. You need to know exactly what this means to you and who you are. I know that it's easy to just say, "Oh, I just like the clothes, they make me feel relaxed/comfortable/sexy/whatever". But the question is, what drives this? Why do you enjoy being feminine? If you determine that you are gender non-conforming, this will be much easier to explain to a wife than trying to get her to accept that you have a sexual fetish over someone or something that is NOT her.

If this makes sense. But, as with anything, it is not only a journey for her but a journey for you as well. So I wish you all the best in trying to figure it out, so that you can help your wife to understand. :hugs:

Also, being gender non-conforming does not mean that you want to be a woman or that you are gay. It really does pay to read about this. Much has been discovered and explained. I posted a link in #10 that you might start with, and go from there.

[Annaliese]

Be her man in her eyes, but don't hide it from her if she ask tell her what it does for you. They always want to know why, and there is no why. Concentrate on what, what you are not.

Good luck

[Rachel05]

I am pretty much in the same position as you other than my wife actually found me out and discovered my stash !!!!!

Same thing though, I must want to be a woman and / or gay, and again in my case same thing, neither are true, I just love dressing in women's clothes and have done way before my wife came along, since a very young age

My wife is never going to accept it and I understand that, but she is starting to tolerate it in a small way, so she knows I still do and she gives me some space to at least do what I need to do but never in front of her, I can sort of live with that and it makes it easier for me as I can at least have easier access to my clothes now, I still keep them out of site under my normal drab clothes but they are where I can get to them

We can also mention the subject and discuss it for a very short time frame !!

This has taken me being patient and not pushing at all, it must be three years now since the day she came into the room and said - so you want to be a woman then !!!

[BridalBoy]

Damn, does this sound like the story of MY life! I was married for 7 years also. My EX new about my CD'ing but was never fully accepting. She would go through times where she would let me wear panties to bed, and that was it. And then, she would forbid it, and then go back...yikes, it was a nightmare roller-coaster ride! I too was in a DADT relationship. Finally, 7 years later, she wanted a divorce, and she used CD'ing as her last line of defense. She actually recorded my online activity and tried to use it against me! Wan't she surprised when I was More than willing to call the whole thing off! ( there were more issues than just CD'ing). I am now with a wonderful woman. I decided about 5 months into our relationship (after she moved in and became my "roommate") that I needed to tell her, or move on, because I was not going to go through that again! Well, all I can say is, I wear panties and a nighty to bed EVERY night, and my avatar photo, me as a bride, well, she took that! God I love her! And I believe things happen for a reason...good luck!

[giuseppina]

Hello Jordan

This might not be your wife's cup of tea, but here are four journal articles. Unfortunately, they require payment for access to the full text. Your favourite search engine can find them by searching on the titles. I posted these a few years ago for someone else.


This is a professional journal article. Payment is required to obtain the full text.

Surprise! Men Who Cross-Dress Are Similar to Men Who Don't

Another journal article for which payment is required.

How Intimate Relationships Are Impacted When Heterosexual Men Crossdress

This one says accredited social work programs often don't include courses on dealing with crossdressing or other forms of transgenderism. The title and issue of the journal in which it appears is listed. You may be able to find this at a university where social work is taught.

Social Work Education: Implications for Working With the Transgender Community

This is a psychologist's website who deals with gender issues. Not all of the information is about transition.
earned
Anne Vitale PhD: Notes on Gender Role Transition

This one says transvestic fetishism is not a diagnosable illness simply because society (or some members of society) says it is. The quotes are required to get it to appear at the top of search results.

"Transvestic Fetishism: Iatrogenic Artifact?"

In case it isn't clear from the context, iatrogenic means medically caused or physician-labeled illness when no true illness exists. Examples of physician labelled illnesses include homosexuality and gender identity disorder. Both have been or are slated to be removed from the DSM to the consternation of certain groups.

And BTW: Acceptance cannot be forced. It must be earned.

[Diversity]

I'd suggest backing off on this, as it is more your need than hers. Not sure of the whole picture with your marriage, children (?), etc., but on the surface it appears that with 3 days of crying, she is not going to accept this part of you. Perhaps time will change this, but I definitely would put this on the back burner and satisfy your needs to dress when she is not around. Maybe, she will bring it up one day now that she is aware of this. If not, and if you need to talk more about it, do so in a gentle way, at a time when you both feel you can have an open, honest, and heartfelt discussion about it and most importantly - when you both can 'listen, understand, and accept' one another's viewpoints. Good luck to you both.
Di

[sherib]

Trying to get my wife to accept: It's been over 30 years and my wife still doesn't accept. But she just go along but I can't dress around her. You must give it time, pushing the issue is going to make it worst. Good luck.