bracing for a huge leap

[Ciel]

a brief history: i work as a nurse in the operating theatres and i have been transitioning in stealth for nearly a year now. I've grew my hair out and kept it long for 3 years. Most of my male colleagues have been joking about this "lady" in the changing room for a while as well. I've never been out at work, only to family, and friends as i would like to keep the 2 worlds separated.

I would like to be nobody but myself to everybody in both worlds, since i think these shouldn't be separated to begin with.

the Leap: i will be going to the department's Christmas party on Friday night(tomorrow) and i have a very feminine velvet blazer, skinny jeans and sexy pumps in mind.

now, all I've left to see is how everyone would react once i go full time with this.
hopefully it works out fine. *fingers crossed*

[Rianna Humble]

If you would like to keep your private and professional worlds separate, then I don't think going cross-dressed to you r department Xmas party is a very good way to achieve that. If your intention is to use that to test the water as a springboard to transition, don't forget that once the cat is out of the bag, she will not go back in. So how do you cope if you don't like the reactions?

I would also urge caution in going dressed to a company event unless you have first carefully researched the company's equality statement and found that it protects transgender people and have talked very frankly with HR and preferably also a manager. In other words, look before you leap and don't do anything that would jeopardise your job.

[Jana]

I've never been out at work, only to family, and friends as i would like to keep the 2 worlds separated.
If your intention is to keep both worlds separate at this time, I'm not sure I understand your choice of attire.


now, all I've left to see is how everyone would react once i go full time with this. hopefully it works out fine. *fingers crossed*
OK, you hope it works out, but what if it doesn't? What if people react badly? Then what? I don't think it is wise to leave it all to chance. I second Rianna's opinion, it would make sense to talk to HR first, just to cover your bases.

My two cents.

[Ann Louise]

Hi Ciel - I, too, have grown my hair out, and I wear a nice long blond ponytail at work. It's chalked up to me being an "old hippie" I guess. But I wasn't prepared for the new world of averted gazes and the lack of common-courtesy "good morning" and "how's it going" when passing others in the hall after I posted a gay "rainbow" poster on my cube wall to celebrate our recently passed gay marriage initiative (in Seattle). I imagine that you dressing so nicely for the party may at least be on the order of that. So, I guess I'm saying, prepare yourself for that type of thing. Your good friends might not be so good anymore, and the sad thing is that the frosty treatment has gone on for me day after day. So mentally prepare yourself. Elfin

[Jorja]

You want to keep your personal life and professional life separate for now. I think we all can understand that. There is one problem though. Once you attend any work related function dressed in a very feminine velvet blazer, skinny jeans and sexy pumps you might as well stand before your peers and come out to them. In essence, that is exactly what you would be doing.

As Rianna has mentioned, do your homework first. Research the company's equality statement and make sure that it protects transgender people and have a talk with HR before doing anything you will later regret. HR hates it when they are surprised. Later on, if you plan to successfully transition on the job you will need all the friends you can get, especially in the HR department.

Remember, it is one thing if people think they know because they can see you have changed, it is something completely different when you have made a statement and said, I am transitioning to become a woman.

[MsRenee]

Im not realy sure that would be the proper time to come out. Id rethink on that and it may be fesible to met with a fe.
w close co workers thqt know you better then the rest.
Renee

[JohnH]

I suggest you wait until Halloween if you can before wearing that outfit to work or any work related function. That is the perfect day to be en femme.

John

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I hope u are reading the posts. Although it sounds like a great outfit,and I'm sure you would love wearing pumps and skinny jeans, it's a bad idea.

If I was your boss I'd be very unhappy if one of my employees came out as trans by showing up at a Xmas party. You could harm your chances of a best case reaction to your transition. It's a Xmas party. It's a celebration of a holiday. If u wanted to come out at the party you needed to clear it. As it stands, your plan looks like you want to make a splash and surprise everybody. That's not going to impress people.

Good advice above is to confide in people that you trust..let them me the real you at a coffee shop ...let them see how ou are for real. They will feel honored that u shared it with them and are much more likely to support you.

I know people are critical on this thread. Sorry about that.

Fwiw. This thread pops up every year in both the cd section and this section. What is it about company parties???

[mikiSJ]

What is it about company parties???

From my experience, company parties were designed for those who want to embarrass themselves to do so in front of everyone - and in the most awkward of ways.

[lauren_m]

Ciel, best wishes to you! It's obviously a big leap, as you say, but I hope that it brings you peace and helps to close that separation between your two lives. Godspeed!

[STACY B]

You better not Roll up in the Xmas Party like that ,,You will be better off dressing like Mrs Clause than to pull that one . Like the other said its a company function an should be taken as a work function as well . You would be better off doing it at work than there ,,,There might be some BIG Bosses at the event that don't know you as good as the rest an care about what happens to you like your fellow worker an boss does ? An as you know shit rolls down hill an your boss mite not be able to get you out of it ? Any way transition isn't all about what you wear ,,, That's just a very small part . Hell they know why rub there face in it at the Party . Just GO an have a good time an forget about all that stuff ,,,There are plenty of other stuff you can wear an be more taste full an get more respect than trying to hard . Merry Christmas ,,, An you don't want to miss out on that Big Bonus !

[Elsa Larson]

JUST DO IT ! Life will be a lot simpler when you can be the same person all the time.

Most of the people who already like you and care about you will continue to do so.

It may be prudent to share your intentions pre-party with someone in your chain of supervision - just in case.

[Joan_CD]

Ciel, I wish you the best whatever you do. Can you follow up after the party and let us know what you decided to do and how you made out?

[Kathryn Martin]

You are making a huge mistake. You are taking away options for yourself by doing this. My best advice, unless you actually have decided to step on the road to transition do not do this. And if you decide to transition it takes a huge amount of preparation and going to a Christmas party dressed as a woman labels you immediately as a crossdresser and will call your judgement into question. If you transition later you will forever be the crossdresser.

Make good decisions

[Leanne2]

I agree with almost everyone else. Don't do it unless you are prepared to work somewhere else. Oh, they won't fire you. They will only make your life miserable enough for you to quit. Are you a gambler? Leanne

[RenneB]

I too echo some of the other posters... unless you have an iron clad union contract, you're probably 'at-will - no-cause' which means they can just come up to you at any time and say don't come in ever again. They don't need a reason, and if they're smart they won't say one. Jobs are way to hard to come by noadays, so I wouldn't risk it....

Renne.....

[Ciel]

thank you for all of your input regarding this matter. as far as equality and diversity, the company encourages it and in no way is it an issue for my career. however, about cats out of the bag- well... you have a point. everyone's perception will absolutely be either changed or shocked. i will put more thought into this.
Again ladies, thank you very much!

[Rianna Humble]

However strong that encouragement on paper, this is a major step and should be planned in advance with your HR department and your line manager. They need to be prepared to deal with any negative reaction from colleagues and (if your job is public facing) from customers. No business, even the most tolerant, likes having something like this sprung on them.

[mbmeen12]

should be planned in advance with your HR department and your line manager. Spot on Miss Riahanna as always. Ciel good luck and have fun at party //Kara//

[CharleneT]

Even if you were intending to come out at work, I would say that this is a bad way to do it. Work environments are somewhat delicate and you need to be careful of perceptions. By surprising them at a party you are taking a great chance of a bad impression. I would consider the normal, planned and orchestrated coming out that most do these days. It is often better for people to have a chance to consider how they feel about a gender change, before they actually meet you "changed". Let's them work out what they want to say etc, and be comfortable with it.

[morgan51]

I hope it all works out for you! M.

[melissaK]

Ciel, if its cool with HR and no career threat, well, sooner or later you're going to have to let that cat out of the bag. Assuming you're ready, your idea is kinda fun.

You might be the talk of the party and make an otherwise droll affair pretty memorable. I always run out of things to say at such events and you'd certainly solve that problem for everyone.

Of course your planned outfit is so tasteful, you wouldn't be criticized for being "in drag." And if your party has alcohol, and singles, then you're still likely to become old news when that "one" girl shows up late in the party dress that crosses the fashion line, and everyone has to say "OMG can you believe she wore that!!"

And, certainly by 10:00 pm when that other "one" girl who's had one too many crantini's makes her move on the recently divorced orthopedic surgeon no one will be gossiping about you. . . . (You don't drink crantini's do you? :heehee:)

[Traci Elizabeth]

Xmas Party la fem? Are you crazy? As others have stated that is NOT the way to gain acceptance. You will only succeed in making a spectacle of yourself distracting from the purpose of the office party. Re-consider else you may lose favor with your work.

[Pamela Kay]

I'm no expert, but even though your outfit may be conservative, it will still say WOMAN when you show up at the party. If the guy's don't pick up on it the other women there will I guarantee.

I guess my question would be are you ready to go full time? It sounds like you are struggling with not being yourself all the time and even at work. I've only been full time for just under three months now, my coming out at work was a seven month process starting with my boss and HR and then 3 months later to my coworkers and finally showing up at work after FFS as Pam four months after that. This way everyone knew what was coming and there weren't any suprises. I did come out to a good woman friend at work a couple of weeks before coming out to everyone else and she has been my biggest advocate through my transition.

I'm not going to say everything is roses and tiara's but it could be so much worse. I'm sure you have a transition plan and coming out at work definitely needs to be a well planned part of it.

[Ciel]

Wow. I'm overwhelmed with the responses! Anyway, I appreciate everyone's concern. So... I went to the party in a more androgynous outfit: black velvet blazer, black waistcoat, white chiffon button up blouse, dark blue slim fit jeans, and low-heeled Chelsea ankle boots. I don't wear a lot of make up anyway, so it was just concealer, foundation, eyeliner, and blush. I got so many compliments that night! Suffice to say It was a fantastic night!
Btw, I am ready to go full time. I am ready to take on the good and the bad of it... this is as ready as i will ever be. I plan to sort it out within the first half of next year, after I take care of a few things going on in my life. And as always, I remain cautiously optimistic.

[Joan_CD]

Whew! I think many of us are relieved it went well for you. Best of luck as you move forward Ciel and I hope you keep in touch with progress updates!

[Rianna Humble]

I'll second the relief and also congratulate you Ciel for playing it low-key at the party thereby giving yourself additional kidos with the folks at work when you do go full-time :hugs:

[Barbara Ella]

I am very glad to hear it went so well for you Ciel. I do hope you will carefully plan out your coming out to continue the goodwill you appear to have developed. Keep the good thoughts with you.

Barbara

[IamSara]

If you would like to keep your private and professional worlds separate, then I don't think going cross-dressed to you r department Xmas party is a very good way to achieve that. If your intention is to use that to test the water as a springboard to transition, don't forget that once the cat is out of the bag, she will not go back in. So how do you cope if you don't like the reactions?

I would also urge caution in going dressed to a company event unless you have first carefully researched the company's equality statement and found that it protects transgender people and have talked very frankly with HR and preferably also a manager. In other words, look before you leap and don't do anything that would jeopardize your job.

Very good suggestions here. Be care of what you are doing if you are not ready for the repercussions that you may or may not be aware of.