should i tell my gf

[Jess6887]

should i tell her i crossdress, we have been together for 1 year now, and she doesnt know, we live together and i do it in secret with my own clothing, im worried she will not like it, she loves me to bits, and she has wanted to dress me up before but i said no, only because i would had liked it too much wish i said yes, but could i get your thoughts

[Laura912]

The majority will suggest that you should tell her. It sounds like an excellent way to take her up on her offer to dress you. If she is willing to do that, then most likely she will be willing to support you. Don't forget to do some nice things for her as well.

[RADER]

Yes; I agree with Laura, Go and say to her, You did want to dress me up, why not
now, I would like to see what it feels like.
Just go slow, an old saying, be carefully what you wish for, you might just get it.
Rader

[Jana]

I think it's better coming clean on your own, than being outed and having to explain yourself.

[Stephanie Miller]

I too say you should tell her. She deserves that much from you before investing more of her life in this relationship without total honesty.
With that said, I had an additional comment - and it has to do with her asking you to dress before. I think her asking this should be looked at as irrelevant to the initial conversation of you being CD. After that conversation is addressed full, and it is found that she is totally accepting then and only then should the second conversation be brought up. Her reason may have nothing to do with you being CD. Possibly she expected it to be a one time thing to have fun with. Possibly to show you how she feels women have it harder then men in getting ready etc... Who knows.
You may or may not be reading too much into it. Thereby keeping your hopes up.
I say first things first.

[StacyCD]

Wise counsel, honesty is best.

[giuseppina]

I can't add anything to the advice above other than you've been with her long enough your GF should know about you. This is a long closed thread by a respected genetic lady about how to disclose:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

Once she knows, your GF will appreciate taking things slowly while she digests your revelation.

It's up to you, but it might be a good idea to delay telling her until after the holidays so it doesn't look like you're fishing for girly gifts.

Good luck. :hugs:

[DanaR]

Wise counsel, honesty is best.
The truth is easier to remember too.

[NathalieX66]

Go slow.....flash her a picture..... nothing to racy, and test the waters.

[kimdl93]

I think you need to tell her if you plan to stay with her. It's possible her invitation to dress up was her attempt to draw you out. If not, she may at least be open to the idea to some extent.

[Danielle_cder]

I'm gonna say it again, honesty will set u free :)

[moniqueCD21]

I say be honest with her. Yes you should definitely tell her if you are planning to further your relationship, but when it feels right to you to tell her. The fact that she brought it up should be some inclination that she will be more accepting and supporting than others. Its not an easy thing to come out thats why I say tell her when you feel comfortable to tell her but not to wait too late.
Keep us posted!

-Monique

[Barbara Ella]

Be honest, and straightforward. Resist the temptation to use the dress you up invitation to get her to dress you, and then come out. Put on your big girl panties, and look her square on and let her know who you are. Be honest and kind.

Barbara

[DebbieL]

should i tell her i crossdress, we have been together for 1 year now, and she doesnt know, we live together and i do it in secret with my own clothing, im worried she will not like it, she loves me to bits, and she has wanted to dress me up before but i said no, only because i would had liked it too much wish i said yes, but could i get your thoughts

I suspect that if she asked, and you aren't trying really hard to be macho and ultra-masculine, that she has already suspected, and would love nothing better than to get to know Jessie, since she is obviously an important part of you. When you refused her offer, she may have feared that you were threatened.

If you are trying to put up a front as someone who is a "man's man" - stop it now! If she wants to drive, let her! If she wants to take control, give her the chance! If she wants to wear the pants, let her! If she wants to put you in a skirt, it's because she loves that you have given her the freedom to be her.

Enjoy!

Here's the flip side to consider. What if you tell her and she starts to freak out, and wants you to promise never to do it again? Jessie is a very important part of who you are, important enough that you are not comfortable with her NOT knowing. At the same time, you love her very much, but does she love YOU or some ACT you created to survive in this relationship. I suspect that she loves you. Have you seen a "chick flick" together, and did you cry? Have you just cuddled with her for hours even without the intent of having sex? Have you brushed her hair, rubbed her back, and scratched those spots where the bra makes her itch, even after she has taken it off?

Have you complimented her on her make-up, a particular clothing selection, her shoes, or the way she has put together a particular combination? Do you compliment her wardrobe even more than you complement her physical attributes (breasts, legs, butt...). Do you look her in the eyes when you talk to her - instead of looking at her chest?

These are all things that tell a woman that there is a wonderful woman in there screaming to come out. At the same time, a woman doesn't want to blow a wonderful relationship with a wonderful person who is the best of both man and woman by pulling your covers too soon or too much. If she DOES love the woman inside as well as the man on the outside, she doesn't want to do anything that will make you feel threatened or that you think she thinks less of you because you have your feminine side.

Another bit of news. You probably aren't getting away with anything. If she's been in your bedroom, while you were in the bathroom, she has checked out your dresser. You might not be wearing the pretty things where she can see them, but she probably KNOWS you are wearing them. What she doesn't understand is why you lied about it. She really has no idea how much pressure men, especially young boys, experience in being forced to behave like boys. Maybe, growing up in grade school in the 1990s, you didn't get as much hard core physical abuse if you were a "Sissy" and the boys and girls were more tolerant of feminine boys who MIGHT be gay or bisexual.

I suspect that if she wanted to dress you up before, that she may have some other wonderful ideas in mind for the two of you, adventures you will BOTH enjoy very much!

[Chickhe]

Nope... just show her on some fun occasion like halloween.

[prene]

The majority will suggest that you should tell her. It sounds like an excellent way to take her up on her offer to dress you. If she is willing to do that, then most likely she will be willing to support you. Don't forget to do some nice things for her as well.

I agree with Laura 100%.
I must tell u I have lost 2 gf's when I told them.
I would tell her slowly, let her dress u up ... and let it go from there.
Good luck and please let us know what happens.

[Rhonda Ann]

There should be no secrets ever in a relationship, you need to talk to her and let her know what's going on. A good time would be when you tell her you changed your mind and would like for her to dress you. Prepare yourself for any reaction you may get.

[NatalieBliss]

Yes, tell her. Don't lie, not even the tiny little white lies that some have suggested. As has been said, the truth is so much easier to remember. If you can learn anything on this board it's that hiding cross-dressing from a significant other is a two-fold problem. Even spouses that are/would be fine with the dressing run into trust issues when secrets are kept and/or lies are told. If she is crazy about you and the love is there it will survive and perhaps even thrive when you don't have to worry about lies and guilt.

I know it's scary, I have done it. Personally, I would tell her by explaining why you declined her invitation to dress you up.

Some unsolicited advice for after you tell:

It can be really easy to get lost in the "pink fog". Having dealt with feeling different, weird and guilty for as long as you can remember it's easy to be a bit selfish in regards to dressing when you initially find someone that supports you. Just be mindful of her moods and reactions and when in doubt ask.

[Beverley Sims]

You should tell her sooner than later and if she offers to dress you again take the opportunity to do it.
It is one way to broach the subject and you will be able to find out what her opinion really is.

[JanM38]

Every day you do not tell her makes it more difficult to do so later, because as each day goes by, the ultimate issue becomes less your dressing and more your trust in her and your own honesty. If you do not tell her, then one day you may suddenly realize that you have been married for ten years and have a child and the risk of her not accepting this side of you have become too great.

[Cheryl T]

Get her to ask you to dress up again and then tell you that you do like it and have done it for some time.
Let her asking be the ice breaker

[BridalBoy]

yes, tell her. Now. I regret waiting so long! Like I have said before in these threads, if she freaks out and want's nothing of it, then can you honestly see yourself happy in this relationship for years to come???

[Naomi Rayne]

You should tell her. Come clean. Dont get caught hiding it. Thats far worse. etc. Everyone will tell you plenty of things that you should do to make it easier on yourself. SOMETHING TO NOTE: If you tell her...PAY ATTENTION TO HER FEELINGS FIRST!. You telling her is going to instill all kinds of thoughts in her that may or may not tear her to bits at first. She might question herself, her looks, her body, anything is possible and is most likely probable. Make sure you are clear with your intentions no matter how nerve wracking it is. Most important of all. DO NOT think that everything is okay with her even if she isnt telling u things arent okay. She is gonna try and be strong for you if she loves you enough to work through this but you need to be there to support her as well and ask her how shes doing with it and help her move through it as you do.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

I'm new to this CD interest...okay, obsession. I thought having hairless legs would start a conversation about it but it hasn't. What I do notice, is how lovemaking is with shared bare legs. The skin sensations are so much different. If I can keep my wife happy in that arena, she will be in my corner, I know it. Trust is important but timing has to be as well. At this point, I want to make a good CD appearance. I have a long way to go. Notice, I have no photo in my profile, yet. For me, the best advice in this thread has been to take notice of your wife and let her know you love her. I have been doing that and she appreciates it. She's even going to give me a pedicure for Christmas. Life's an adventure, isn't it.

[Deedee Skyblue]

If you stay with her long enough, she will eventually find out. It is likely that it will be better for both of you that she doesn't catch you. It shows that you trust her, and want to be honest with her, and do not want to deceive her. If she understands this, it should make it easier for her to be accepting. If she catches you, one of the questions she is going to wonder about is why you didn't trust her - and she is going to wonder what other secrets you are keeping from her.

[5150 Girl]

Oh,,, by all means you should keep it a secrete. One day years down the read after you've bult a life together, and she finds your stash, she will enjoy the thoughts of "Is he having an affair",,, OR,,, "How could have have lied to me all these years?"

[Jess6887]

I have not told her yet I'm going to wait till the new year, just so we can have a nice Christmas and new year, It has gotten to the point where last night I couldn't sleep well and stay awake thinking on how stressful it is not telling her and how to tell her, I know she is the one and I am the one for her we've discussed it many times, it's just so hard to bring up the subject, I know I can trust her and I want her to know I just can't find the words,

[NZ_Dawn]

Sound like you've thought it through to the sensible conclusion to your question. Timing is important, its good that you consider at least having a good Xmas and New Year without the thought of it becoming possibly a tragic Xmas! becuase things fell apart! (As an example: My wife recalls our wedding anniversay as being close to the date she discovered my 'non-disclosure' hows that for timing!) Just dont put it off for-ever. I could never fnd the right time, right situation, right excuse or reason to tell her, and then it was too late!
I have read on the forum of someone writing their partner a lovely lethey feltter describing what it was they were going through or how t. It was great and would have been the silver bullet for me and for many others, who made such comment. A very gentle approach. If I can find the link I'll post, otherwise do a search on 'disclosure'. All the best for you both.

[DebbieL]

Tell her, and tell her as soon as you can. Yes, there is the risk that she will reject you, or be upset with you, she might even end the relationship. On the other hand, if that was the outcome, better to know about that now, as soon as possible, rather than after you have so much invested in each other emotionally that you won't be able to tell her, and when she finds out she won't be able to trust you.

When you tell her, you need to let her know about the times you were beat up for being a "sissy" or by people who thought you were gay. If she is the first woman you've ever told (face to face) then let her know that. She has no idea how hard it is for you to share this with her, but when you let her know that you are telling her because this is so important to you and that she is the most important woman in your life right now, she may forgive you for not telling her when she asked you the first time. After that, she will need to decide whether she wants to support you and repeat her offer to dress you up and make you pretty, and she might have a few secrets she'd like to share with Jessie that she couldn't have shared with Jess.

[cdxmatty]

When the moment is right, maybe after a bottle of wine subtlety ask her if her offer still stands. Or find a nice pair of jeans that suite your style and work them into your wardrobe gauge her reaction? If you live with her you should tell her on your own terms, would be a lot less traumatic then her catching you mid bra-snap:eek:

[Eryn]

This isn't the time for playing games. Trying to let her dress you up and then telling her you CD is a deceptive way to somehow make her responsible for your CDing.

Better to just tell her that you would like to talk about something that has been bothering you. That lets her know that you're being serious. Then just lay the situation out for her. Tell her about how you feel, particularly about how you didn't like keeping her in the dark about something that is part of you. Listen to her feelings too, as they are equally important to you.

[AngelaKelly<3]

I've never come out to anyone myself; but I'll throw in my take on this, if my advice based on very limited experience is worth anything to you... :)

I think that you should definitely find a way to tell her, especially if she is "the one" like you say.

However, do NOT just blurt it out. This is something that will need to be broken to her in a calm and gentle way, and in a comfortable setting for the both of you. No public places of course :)

I'd suggest getting some literature on the subject that she can browse, that means that if she's a bit confused and thinks you're telling her you're gay (a real possibility and something that happens ofter, from what I've seen) then you can give her something to read that could widen her understanding of how you feel.

Just be prepared, especially if she needs some time to let it sink in.

[LauraBird]

Telling her is best - just for honesty's sake. You don't want to have a lie wedged in the foundation of you two. Be honest and open but let her ask the questions. I wouldn't just jump right into getting dressed up or shoving a bunch of pictures in her face. Start simple, "I like to crossdress sometimes" and let that sink in. Don't overwhelm her right from the get-go. I think despite what some folks on the extreme spectrum would like us to believe, what we do is somewhat outside the social "norm" and unless she's very active in the GLBT community it's going to be a pill to swallow. Best to tread lightly and give her time to process. You've had your whole life to come to grips with it, she hasn't!

When I told my wife, I think I kind of lucked into the situation. We had only been married a few weeks at that point, and were at the end of a rough day and having one of those long conversations about our childhoods. She'd just told me a story about something she'd done when she was younger that she wasn't proud of, but wanted me to hear it from her vs. someone else, because she didn't want any secrets between us. I took that as my cue and laid it out there as gently as possible. Oddly enough, I was soooo nervous and terrified... when it finally came out, she said, "That's it???" The build up had her expecting something much worse.

It hasn't been all sunshine and roses. It's been 5 years, and I'd say only recently has she reached a point where she doesn't show any signs of it bugging her anymore. She wanted to be accepting and supportive but the reality of doing so proved a little more difficult for her - so she had some self discovery of her own to go through with it. It was a bit of a roller coaster for a while as things fully sunk in and she had the time to truly accept it. It doesn't help her any that I still can't fully explain it, either. I think that, over time, she saw that I was still the guy she married, just "more".

Good luck!

[k lynn]

I'm gonna say it again, honesty will set u free :)

Read the thread I started I have to tell her I have only been dating this lovely lady for about a month now and I want to tell her honesty is the best policy ask any GG they hate liersand dishonesty time to come clean

[Jess6887]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I will tell her after Xmas and new year, just something else what would some of the questions be possibly

[mybfisatstv]

I bet if you told her the truth instead of her finding out on her own she would love u even more. I found out the hard way an lost the love. Of my life

[Jenn A116]

I'm pretty sure the answer to this question is always "yes". The real question seems to be more about "when".

IMHO, when you enter into a serious relationship with somebody you owe it to them to reveal your whole self. Keeping secrets isn't a good way to base a relationship. As difficult as it may be to share what is perhaps your "deepest, darkest secret" it is the absolute right thing to do.

When is difficult. I can't see the need to tell casual friends or first dates. But if you've moved far beyond that to living together its probably time.

Good luck.

[DeeDeeB]

Understand that sharing your crossdressing may end your relationship, just like if you are hiding any other aspect of yourself that may come out later. You then have to ask yourself if you can live in denial of yourself. Life and love is always a delicate balance, but always be true to yourself.

:fairy1:
Dee

[Vickie_CDTV]

Absolutely, she has a right to know about you, and have all of the facts before making any long lasting or permanent commitments. Not telling can also have disastrous consequences in the long run (which you can read about all over this forum.)

Out of curiosity, why does she want to dress you up??

[AmyGaleRT]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I will tell her after Xmas and new year, just something else what would some of the questions be possibly

You mean, what are some of the questions she might ask you as a result? Well, there are two biggies.

The first is, "Are you gay?" One thing you can tell her, in general (aside from giving her your specific answer, which I'm guessing is "no"), is that the percentage of crossdressers who are gay is about the same as that of the general population. That is, the vast majority of CDs are heterosexual.

The second is, "Do you want to become a woman?" A general factoid you can give her here is that those people who actually do feel they're in "the wrong body" and want to completely change sex with hormones and surgery (usually called "transsexuals") are relatively uncommon compared to CDs.

Beyond that...well, she might ask why you do it. I can't help you there, but I can tell you that the reasons people crossdress are many and varied. Some do it only for sexual or fetishistic purposes. Some just enjoy the feel of the clothing of the opposite gender. Some feel that they have a piece of themselves that's of the opposite gender, and dress occasionally to express that part. (I believe I'm in that category.) Some are full-blown transsexuals, who will eventually transition to living as the opposite gender full-time (with or without hormones and/or surgery). This is not an exhaustive list of reasons.

Just be open and honest with her about everything. That's the way it happened between me and my fiancee; once the basic fact spilled out (or, according to my fiancee, she dragged it out of me :) ), I just told her everything, including the answers to those questions. It went well enough that, before the evening was out, I not only dressed in front of her, I put on a "fashion show" of sorts. :)

I do so hope it works out well for you.

- Amy

[CassandraSmith]

should i tell her i crossdress, we have been together for 1 year now, and she doesnt know, we live together and i do it in secret with my own clothing, im worried she will not like it, she loves me to bits, and she has wanted to dress me up before but i said no, only because i would had liked it too much wish i said yes, but could i get your thoughts

Well, you could wait for next Halloween and go as Popeye and Olive Oil. Of course, the caveat is that she has to go as Popeye ;-)

The best successes in the past for me was to confide it during a discussion where she reveals something secret about herself. I had this happen once and it really worked out well. She started with "I need you to know something about me..." and she told me a secret failing she had and didn't want anyone else to know about it. I said "I've got a secret too; can you hold it and not tell a soul?" I paused a bit for emphasis also. She said yes. I said, "I cross dress" and nothing more. It took her a few moments to realize what I meant. Of course I was almost shaking inside. Then I wouldn't tell her anything else and she started begging me for more insights and asking what I liked. I think that allowing them to ask and find out at their speed is a huge advantage in the long run.

[Jenniferathome]

... and she has wanted to dress me up before but i said no, only because i would had liked it too much wish i said yes,

Dont mistake this as she is in to cross dressing boyfriends. It is a meaningless data point. She could be in to it and she could have been just messing around never to have thought about again. That stated, I am a believer in coming out. Honesty is always the best policy. Some advice: DO NOT show her a picture, get dressed or do anything other than talk to her. "Honey, I have something I want to tell you that is very personal but important that you know...."

Good Luck,

[Regan]

Jess,

Take it from someone who waited to long, and am married and going through divorce, let her know now for both of you. It does sound like she might be supportive but if not find out now s both of you can make the decision of what to do. Good luck.

[suchacutie]

She will know eventually, and if there is a sense of lying/hiding/secrecy/lack-of-trust it will be a disaster waiting to happen.

Look, she wanted to dress you up. Bring that back up again and then be honest with her that you have done that before and enjoy it, and then ask her why she had brought it up! Make sure you don't tell any exaggerations or misrepresentations in this conversation. She did bring it up, and there is your entree. In the conversation she will ask you about your history of dressing, so be ready to give her the story. Explain that it's complicated and that you don't understand it fully, but that you hope she can be of great help to you so that the two of you may understand it together...both your interest and hers.

Hope this helps

[Jess6887]

I haven't done it yet so nervous too, how should I bring it up

[Jenni Yumiko]

Be serious, ensure she is in a more relaxed mood without other stresses, job, money, the asshole who cut her off earlier.
When you have no time constraints....

[pink.switch.lover]

I suggest you bring it up to her in conversation. Explain to her why you did accept her past invitation and see where the conversation goes from there.

How long have you been living together?
She's bound to stumble upon your things eventually (if you keep them at home) and that could leave her feeling very confused, possibly betrayed, and she may lose trust in you.

Don't hide any part of yourself in your intimate relationship. This is who you are!
Please keep us updated!
All good things ~

[Lady Panda]

Hi there Jess....My take on things coming from a GG point of view (my SO CDs) is that you should tell her. Don’t wait too long...you don't want to risk her finding out. Then she will be feeling betrayed and lied to. I didn't catch my SO dressing however I was doing some condensing of boxes; we just moved in together and I was trying to remove some clutter and condensing boxes and unintentially came across her stash. I sat on the info for about 2 weeks before coming to her about what I had found. More like I started probing about fantasies and asked about CDing if she was curious or had she CDd before and she tried to deny it at first ...then I said well what about what about the stuff in the box over there ....essentially I had to shove her out of the closet. I was sad and regret the way it all came out and that I came across the items the way I did but was glad the secret was out. I tried several times to give her an out and hinted trying to lead her to confide in me...I am about as subtle as a hockey stick to the face but, she didn't catch on.

Sounds like your GF may have an idea but is unsure what you are hiding and was trying to get you to confide in her. Believe me if she was totally not open to the info or totally against the idea of CDing she just would have hit the road already. GGs have very good intuition so she knows something is up....Show her some RESPECT and let her know what is up.

Then you can talk it out. I know she would like to know better than what her wild imagination is thinking NOW. She will want to know if you are GAY or BI, how frequently you want to dress, Do you want to transition, do you want to go in public, How will this affect your sex life --- will it be incorporated in intimate playtime, will you be able to function w/o dressing in the bedroom for sexual play, (as a male would) basically give her a heads up. Also let her know about us here so she can get some more info so she can understand all about CDing. Also be very supportive. Reassure her about how you feel about her. If you don't have all the answers tell her let her know what decisions about your CDing you are unsure about yet.

One thing to let you know ...just to prepare you... she will feel like her whole world was turned inside out ...that is normal and to be expected...even though I am totally supportive and enjoy when my SO dresses ...after I found out i felt that way too but it was for only a short time just till I adjusted and had time digest what I now knew. I was relieved when it all came out.
Good luck …I am here if you need any one to talk to from the other side of the fence.:hugs:

[slamddoger]

yes it is better to let her know so borth party wont get hart

[Melanie Therese]

I told my SO while we were engaged but we didn't live together. At the time it was mainly an underwear thing. She was a little surprised but OK. We have been married 18 years and while my CD has expanded a bit I am not out there as much as we have young children I do not want to be part of it. At least she knew my desires before we married and she takes me for who I am.

[Jess6887]

She dressed me up again it was really nice, but I still didn't tell her, I just need to build the courage and say it I want to be honest with her and I'm hoping she takes it well.
What do I say please help me on some ways to say this to her