Similarity in our CD evolutions

[Camille15]

I'm always fascinated by how similar many of our stories are, when I read them in the introductions forum or other places. Especially the early years of CD'ing. I used to think my story was so unique. Now I actually feel it's a bit "vanilla". ;) I thought it would be fun to have a thread in which we share the "evolution" of our CD'ing, from childhood to present. This might also be nice to those of us who are younger, to get some idea of where our own paths may lead.

I'll start: My earliest memories are of trying on a slip that was hanging in my mother's bathroom, and of wondering what it would be like to be a girl. This was around age 5. Around age 7 I had to try on a pair of tights for a school play, and pretended to hate it, but was very excited. I was always fascinated by TV shows about crossdressers or transexuals. Then it mostly stopped until age 16-17, when I started to masturbate. Not long after the thoughts about CD'ing came back, first just as thoughts, then as risky adventures into my parent's bedroom to sneak an item to try on in the bathroom, almost getting caught a couple of times. It was always sexual in nature in those days. In college I lived with women, so I tried on their clothes when they weren't home. I wasn't proud of this, but couldn't resist the temptation, and urge to see how I'd look in them. I even bought my first wig at Halloween time (cheap blonde thing). Once my roommate donated a bunch of her clothes to Goodwill, and I offered to take it over for her. That's how I got my first "own" bra, skirt, etc. I would never consider going out of the house dressed, but would gladly spend an entire day or evening "in" if it meant I could dress. I continued in this way through my late 20's and early 30's, marrying a wonderful woman who I never told about this part of myself. I dressed in her clothes too, when home alone. But entering my early 30's, the dressing took on a different component. It didn't always have to end in masturbation, and I enjoyed more just the idea of feeling feminine. I picked a femme name for myself (Arianna - changed since). I felt much more a sense of peace, tranquility, happiness, and wholeness when looking in the mirror and seeing a girl staring back. I'm now 34. I told my wife last year. She accepts it, though doesn't want to see it. Since then I've ordered my own clothes, wig, and think about dressing more than I ever did before. I now look at women's clothes when at work or out, covertly checking out outfits and makeup. I never did that before, but I think now that I can freely buy these clothes myself, I'm paying much more attention to what I like or don't like about women's fashion and how women dress. I'm enjoying exploring the feminine side of myself, and wonder how the act of now nurturing this part of me will change me as the decades pass. How many more clothes will I own, for example? How will the nature of my relationship with my wife change, if at all? I don't identify as transsexual, and don't want to transition. I don't see myself ever wanting to leave the house (as I do NOT pass). But I do want to continue exploring this part of myself, as I feel it makes me a better person, and a happier one too.

[Bo-peep]

Hi. Being a GG and trying to understand more about CD, I enjoyed reading your post. Its very helpful, thank you :)

[Ressie]

Bought my first cheap wig in the early '90s. Purged in 2000 (pretty much all lingerie) because of a new relationship. Divorced in 2005, and slowly started buying clothes again. Now I have 3 pairs of heels, 4 wigs, several skirts, tops, lingerie, oodles of panties, lots of lipstick, eye makeup, hose & garter. Just painted my nails for the first time two weeks ago.

Next on my list: I would like to move up to decent breast forms, FF hose, a corset, nicer dresses, and generally clothes that fit well and are fashionable. I've only dressed in public once which was on my bucket list, but presenting in public isn't a goal.

[Beverley Sims]

Nothing new here, I believe you are perfectly normal in the way you have grown up. :)

[Rachel Morley]

I believe my trigger was when I was six years old. As children, the kids in our street often played games in large groups. There was one time that I remember when about twelve of us were playing hide and seek. I remember running and hiding in my parents garage with one of my friends Rebecca. While we were hiding, for whatever reason Rebecca insisted that she dress me in her cardigan. I can still recall to this day the intense feelings of excitement and fear that I had when she was doing this to me. I think I was excited because I really liked Rebecca, she was one of my best friends, and I enjoyed her attention. Also I think the fear was borne out of doing something (wearing a girl’s cardigan) that was somehow “forbidden” and also the fear of getting caught. All I know is that after this event, my desire to want to wear girls clothes grew stronger.

For the next few years every time I got to wear an article of girl’s clothing it was exciting to me. There was also a box of old clothes that my Mom used to keep in the bottom of her closet. Every time I found myself in the house on my own, even if it was for a only a relatively short time, I would want to go into her room and try on a dress or skirt or blouse and then look at myself in the mirror. During my teenage years I occasionally got to wear one of my girlfriends t-shirts or blouses. There were several times when my girlfriend at the time would want to swap shirts or sweaters with me “just for fun”.

During my twenties and early thirties there were ample opportunities to fully dress up as a girl at Halloween, also costume and themed parties. Every opportunity I got to do so I did. Also, at this time in my life I was either renting a room or sharing a rented house with a friend which meant I got lots of opportunity to wear something feminine and then watch some TV alone in my room. The clothes were usually just a few items that I had kept from a previous costume party.

Not long after I bought my first house, and was living on my own, I decided to buy a computer to go online. I couldn’t believe the amount of resources and seeming endless numbers of people that were crossdressing in the world. Even though I lived alone and had all the time in the world to dress on a regular basis, I didn't. I mostly wore bras, panties, a top with a skirt and heels with no makeup and I only dressed as a treat or when I wanted to be nice to myself.

In 2001 I was active on a CDing forum called "Men in Bras". I met my (future) wife there and we became "cyber pen pals" emailing every day. To cut a long story short, 18 months later we were married and living together in California. She thinks I look cute dressed as a girl and dislikes manly men. She has encouraged me to develop my feminine side and is very much a trans ally. Nowadays, I dress about 6 times a month and we are both on the board of the largest TG support group in Northern California. (River City Gems) We go out to mainstream places as "two girls" on a fairly regular basis. Most of our friends are in the TG community. I feel very lucky and believe I am totally "living the dream."

[Lady Catherine]

I have three older sisters and there was a room in our house that was full of their old clothes. No one ever went in there but me. I used to spend the day in there sometimes and no one would ever bother me. My favorite was the petticoats. for some reason I loved them. It was a real bummer when we moved and all those beautiful clothes were given away. I was eleven at the time. It was never really sexual for me. Heck, I didn't know what sex WAS back then. Even years later when I got the oppertunity to dress again at 19, there was not a sexual yearning. I just liked it

Fast forward to today. I dress because I like how it makes me feel. And, because I can. But to be honest here, I get more pleasure from the small things. I LOVE the feeling of my bare legs and putting on nail polish even if I'm not dressing. It doesn't turn me on, it just makes me feel more like me.

[docrobbysherry]

I actually never even thot about wearing women's clothes until I was 50 and opened an abandoned box of clothes. Noticed some women's jeans in there and wondered if I could get into them? I did. Just barely!

The experienced impressed me so much, that a year later I tried on some other abandoned ladies things. Sherry was born about 2 years after that!

[Brittany CD]

For me, I have never had any interest in matters considered girly, but I've always loved women's apparel. Women's clothing has always seemed like it has more of a story to tell as opposed to bland male clothes. As such, I've always wanted to try on a few outfits. When I did start wearing women's clothes, I thought I looked strange wearing a cocktail dress and being a guy. When I discovered that makeup and a wig can change your face to look like a woman's, I decided to try that out. I loved it and kept doing it. I still prefer just putting on some nice casual outfits, but sometimes I feel I need to be a girl when I put on something a little more formal

[Joanie_Shakti]

From when I was a small child, I've always had an attraction to satin. I would suck my thumb while smelling the satin edging on my security blanket. As an adult, I often wonder if this was trying to emulate breastfeeding as I was born in the days when women wore slips.

Around five years old, my dad was sent to Vietnam, so we lived with my grandma, my mom's mother. She wore gartered nylons and heels all the time and I can remember admiring the smoothness of her sheer nylons once as we rode together in the back of a car. She and my mom took us on a few trips to the big city, where my brother and myself would grow impatient as they would try on clothes at various dress shops.

About eight or nine, my mom bought some wigs, which she let us try on. I still have a picture of myself in one topless, looking over my shoulder and trying to look sexy. I remember asking for one of her dresses to see what I'd look like as a girl and was disappointed that she gave me a dowdy housedress to try on instead of something nicer.

Except for a couple of times with the wigs, nothing more indicating I was to end up like this happened for several years. My dad was sent to Thailand for a year when I was about eleven and we again lived in my mom's hometown but this time in our own place.

We then moved when I was about 12 to where I've lived for the rest of my life. At the time, we were on an army post. The parents had to go to a monthly social gathering and would leave me alone with my brother and young sister. During one of these occasions, I caught my brother trying on my mom's pantyhose in the parents' bedroom. The thought had never occurred to me to do something like that before but I joined in. The instant I tried them on, I was immediately aroused, which my brother made fun of.

After that, I started sneaking my mom's panties, which I even wore to seventh grade classes sometimes. I started fantasizing in bed at night about having a complete girl's outfit and having the ability to change back and forth from male to female. I was talked to more than once by my dad about stealing mom's panties. In high school he asked if I wanted to be a girl, which I forcefully denied.

(Seventh grade was when I started listening to Alice Cooper and David Bowie, though I don't know if this had any influence on my dressing.)

Wore panties and even thigh highs a couple of times to high school classes, which I bought from the Penneys catalog. Earlier in eight grade, my dad had found a Penneys invoice that listed panties - another talking to. It was right after receiving these panties and opening the package that I achieved my first ejaculation - more reinforcement to continue on the path.

After high school and having a job, I bought my first couple of outfits and heels. I even came up with the name "Joanie" after a girl in school whom I found very attractive (I think it was her legs), but I never talked to in the four years I was aware of her.

So my dressing came and went from there, though I've never slacked off from panties. Come about four years ago, a few months before I joined this forum, something in me "snapped." Changes in the workplace, financial stress, and the state of things in general became stressful and I started going overboard buying nice clothing from Macy's and others. After joining the forum, I started shaving or epillating my legs and keeping my other body hair trimmed short. Maybe a year later or less, I shaved off my facial hair. First my "soul patch," then a few months later my mustache as I just didn't look good to myself in pictures with the hair. It's amazing how much the look's improved in the last few years.

I've come out to a GG friend whom I met through a webcam chat but not in real life. She enjoys seeing me dressed up fully, but I've never told anyone in "real life." I'm afraid of losing relationships if I do, though I have the urge sometimes to tell my best GG friend.

I haven't dated much in life due to this and my sexual experience can be counted on one hand. I'm afraid of rejection and gossip if I told someone, so I've kind of become my own girlfriend. I want so much to be a mate with a nice woman, but am pretty much resolved that I'll probably always be alone.

Credit card problems in the last decade plus has me living with family right now (Joanie's shopping sprees didn't help any), so I have only my room to dress in. I've pretty much rid myself of the enormous debt, so I'm looking to buy a home by this time next year. I have to wait until after taxes to see how much money I have left to work with as the revenuers are going to take a big chunk this year.

Do I wish I had never started down this path? Yes. But a the same time, It just feels right to get dressed up, even if it's just a bra and panties. During the week, I may just change into panties after work, but weekends, I'm wearing a dress or skirt most of the time I'm in my room. With the help of the forum and reading elsewhere on the internet, I'm come to accept myself. In fact from reading about Hindu gods and goddesses due to my interest in meditation and also learning about Native American "two-spirits" last week, I feel there is something special about people like us. Maybe part of the rejection from society is due to this "specialness" and people who don't understand feel an inherent threat from us due to the "cosmic plan.":)

[Angela Campbell]

I know quite a few cd's and ts's and the stories although may vary a little, such as age of starting, are pretty much the same experience. I have to wonder how many are out there who never reveal themselves to even anonamous people like us.

[Ressie]

Joanie, you're post seemed long at first, but it had my interest to the end. :) It all started very young for me too, I just skipped to my mid 30s in my post.

[Pixiesmate]

I know quite a few cd's and ts's and the stories although may vary a little, such as age of starting, are pretty much the same experience. I have to wonder how many are out there who never reveal themselves to even anonamous people like us.

I was one of those people who would never reveal themselves, even to myself. As I got older, I realized that denial wasn't working, and started to buy my own clothes. I met a wonderful lady, and after a bit of hemming and hawing, came out to her. She accepted me, my desires and needs and we have been exploring it together. It is so liberating that I'm sorry I waited almost 60 years to confront and then accept it.

[Angela Campbell]

I do not think I ever really denied that I wanted to be a girl, I just never thought I could really look like one. I also knew that I had to keep this a super mega eyes only top secret from the world. Most of that has changed for me now.

[NicoleScott]

She accepts it, though doesn't want to see it.

Thanks for sharing your story. This stands out: she doesn't want to see it. Honor that.

[Patti Remick]

Here is my 'evolution':

I am the youngest of 3 with 2 older sisters that were 6 and 7 years older than me. For a young CDr our home was a paradise. My mother was a total pack rat and kept almost all of my sisters old clothes from when they were younger. So I was home, and many times alone, in a house filled with tons of perfectly fitting girls clothes. My sisters had so much stuff - dresses, skirts, blouses, jumpers, even their old shoes! I wore their panties, tights, vests and training bras, and pantyhose. I wore almost everything of theirs that I could and by age 9 or 10 I was one of the best dressed little CDrs you could ever meet. Complete outfits head-to-toe, inside-out! And this was the 1960s and girls clothes were GIRLY. One of my sisters even had some wigs (she was experimenting with her own looks!) and they were just the icing on the cake for this little CDr. There were even ballet outfits and some skating dresses. I dressed from about age 9 to about age 14 in perfectly fitting and age correct girls clothes!! Once into my teens our family moved and almost all of their old struff was gotten rid of. I never had it so good again. 100 percent true and looking back on it sometimes I have trouble believing that time in my life.

Luv and Hugs
Patti Remick

[xdressed]

For me it started when I was 14, maybe 13. I remember very clearly walking past my mum's bra on the top of the stairs and stopping to look at it, then being overcome with the urge to wear it. I took it into the bathroom, locked the door, took my shirt off and put it on. It was quite ill fitting and looked very silly on me, so I just laughed at my reflection and put it back. I don't remember how it progressed from that, but it happened very quickly. I mostly wore my sisters clothes as she was only 2 years younger and some of them fitted me, but she wasn't old enough to have bra's yet so I still borrowed my mum's. I gradually started trying different items and for some reason telling myself it was fine as long as I never progressed to wearing panties, as if this was just a weird phase I was going through that would stop, but wearing panties meant I had a problem. Naturally despite this flawed logic I quite quickly moved onto full dressing, finding tights the most pleasurable to wear. From then on, despite being racked with guilt and shame, I continued to dress whenever the house was empty as well as very often at night, occasionally underdressing. There was little sexual element to my dressing (or indeed anything at all in my life) until I was about 16, which is also when I entered my first long term relationship. For the first few months I stopped dressing but eventually the urge to dress came back. My girlfriend at the time noticed something was bothering me quite strongly so I eventually came out to her. She told me I was brave for telling her, but ultimately viewed it as a problem not unlike a drug addiction and she wanted me to stop. Being incredibly ashamed of it, I agreed with her. This only served to increase the guilt I felt, especially as I had frequent 'slip ups'. To this day I still do not know why I every stayed with her, she was very close minded, bossy, overbearing, not particularly nice and was even quite stupid, so staying together for a year meant I ended up with a lot of emotional baggage. Our break up was pretty bad, but she never outted me to anyone despite the fact she hated me and apparently still does. The year I spent after that was complete chaos. I was suddenly single, which gave me lots of free time and money I didn't have before, but also a lot of loneliness and depression. My dressing became pure fetish at that point, which increased both the guilt and the need to dress. I also became somewhat obsessed with porn at this point, and while I wasn't guilty about watching porn and was relatively open about it with my friends, it did me no favors. The only thing that helped was the fact that I had started going out with my friends every week now, drinking and partying and meeting new people. It was a distraction and it made me happy, but it did eventually hammer home how lonely I was, and the drinking became pretty excessive pretty quickly. By the time this had been going on for a year I was 18 and very depressed, only really finding joy in drinking with friends, practicing with my band and dressing up to masturbate, the last of which would leave me feeling terrible straight after the fact. I did find a new girl in the summer though (ironically someone who I had known well since I was about 8 and had recently come back into regular contact with). This time I did not stop dressing, although the urge was much smaller for the first month or so of our relationship. After about two or maybe three months I came out to her. She was relieved, and said that I was so scared of telling her and racked with guilt that she thought I was going to 'tell her (I) was a Necrophiliac' (my girlfriend is quite melodramatic and will assume the worst possible thing will happen no matter how unlikely or sometimes even impossible it is). Naturally I was very glad that she was so accepting, even though it was just over a year after that that I finally accepted myself. I discovered that many crossdressers develop a sexual element to their dressing in their teens which fades away with age, and almost immediately after that the sexual element of my own crossdressing started to decline and the dressing itself became much more important. When I moved out of my parents house and into the halls of accommodation at uni I suddenly had a lot of freedom, and I dressed fairly often in clothes my girlfriend had given me, and eventually brought myself a couple of items online. I loved the freedom and started to take many photos, but the guilt was still there. It eventually came to the point that the guilt was so bad that it effected my sex life with my girlfriend, completely regardless of whether I was dressed or not. That's when I finally realized that it was stupid to be so ashamed, and I came to accept myself fairly quickly after that. I started a deviantArt account (by deviant it means that it deviates from the fine art world, not art for sexually deviant people) with permission from my girlfriend for photo's of myself and was astounded by the overwhelmingly positive responses, and by how many I got so quickly. Shortly after my girlfriend joined this site and introduced me to it too, saying the people were very lovely and helpful, which I thoroughly agree with. While occasionally the changes that this acceptance brought about in me caused friction between me and my girlfriend, including the odd heated argument, things are great now. I've been out in my home town a couple of times late at night, not long ago went all the way to London fully dressed to attend the MCM Expo, shortly after was Halloween where I was dressed for that too, and through the power of the internet I met up with a fellow crossdresser who lives quite near me recently. I attended his 21st birthday party where my band played at his house, where I was also fully dressed. I've joined his band now (he's joined my band too actually) and have been back to his house dressed. I now live in a student house with my girlfriend, two other girls and a guy, and I'm planning on coming out to them soon too.