Inna
12-19-2012, 10:19 AM
What I am about to write has been happening to me very lately, and illustrates how our minds, self awareness and psyche work together and sometimes disjointedly to form a whole picture.
I will also talk of how important is the image we perceive as our own, and how this image makes us feel centered and comfortable within life and environment.
As many of you know I had been in rigorous transition for the past 2 years, starting with HRT in February of 2011 and following with FFS 9 months later.
Diet, therapy, hormones, Facial feminization and constant chasing after the image of a woman I knew I was, but illusive at best confronted by the inevitable nature of genetic makeup.
But dreams had proven stronger and will power more powerful then genetic codes. I have achieved womanhood in its most profound visual aspects. Do not get me wrong, I haven't had pleasure to fulfill my SRS yet and such remains a rift in the closure, but as I realize, I am slowly inching towards that goal as well.
As I am involved with working now, the environment allows me to loose my self in work and often loose the ever so present focus on Inna which had been there ever since the start of soft transition 4 years ago when I could no longer tolerate Dysphoria and had to choose between transition or death.
As I go about the day, I often loose the touch with aforementioned focus, and when I catch reflection of my self in a mirrors pane I often look at it with amazement as though the Avatar I occupy has been just granted to me and I my self am adjusting to it, instead of otherwise supposed reality.
The first few of these phenomena had seriously got me searching for grasp of reality, but as weird as it is, it also is phenomenally pleasant!
I look at her in amazement and even though I can tell the imperfections and what I perceive, non feminine features, I am still quite taken by the distance traveled.
It is as though I my BODY, had taken over the chase towards womanhood and has come to a lead, where my emotional self is now catching up to the image.
Also I have started to understand that on a subconscious levels we live through interactions with others and stimuli we receive from them as well as internally confined identity, so in the core, we are a conglomerate of SELF's, the inner core, and External, the environment which reaffirms our Core feelings. In other words we are the world around us, as much as the world within us.
That is why the disconnect, the Dysphoria is so tremendously disheartening, tearing at the core of being, disjointing Self into two separate fractions preventing one self from wholeness.
Being exposed to these latest feelings I often asked my self, since I have basically made a 360 loop and arrived in the same point, however this time around, in the congruently perceived body, what have I truly done, could i had remained just living status quo?
The answer came from interactions with others, their smiles ad embracing stamina towards me. I am whole, one SELF, and through such, I radiate the power of love, truth and serenity I have found, in return my environment adjusts to this condition and all I see is Goodness.
Of course pain is here, how else, the ingredient of life we can not do without, but getting over the hurdles now takes hours or days where in the past it would have surrounded me for ages.
So why transition?
In the most simple explanation, I did it first to feel whole, but in return I have been granted the power of love so immense, that it literally shapes my world around me, giving me love in return and a place of true self.
I will also talk of how important is the image we perceive as our own, and how this image makes us feel centered and comfortable within life and environment.
As many of you know I had been in rigorous transition for the past 2 years, starting with HRT in February of 2011 and following with FFS 9 months later.
Diet, therapy, hormones, Facial feminization and constant chasing after the image of a woman I knew I was, but illusive at best confronted by the inevitable nature of genetic makeup.
But dreams had proven stronger and will power more powerful then genetic codes. I have achieved womanhood in its most profound visual aspects. Do not get me wrong, I haven't had pleasure to fulfill my SRS yet and such remains a rift in the closure, but as I realize, I am slowly inching towards that goal as well.
As I am involved with working now, the environment allows me to loose my self in work and often loose the ever so present focus on Inna which had been there ever since the start of soft transition 4 years ago when I could no longer tolerate Dysphoria and had to choose between transition or death.
As I go about the day, I often loose the touch with aforementioned focus, and when I catch reflection of my self in a mirrors pane I often look at it with amazement as though the Avatar I occupy has been just granted to me and I my self am adjusting to it, instead of otherwise supposed reality.
The first few of these phenomena had seriously got me searching for grasp of reality, but as weird as it is, it also is phenomenally pleasant!
I look at her in amazement and even though I can tell the imperfections and what I perceive, non feminine features, I am still quite taken by the distance traveled.
It is as though I my BODY, had taken over the chase towards womanhood and has come to a lead, where my emotional self is now catching up to the image.
Also I have started to understand that on a subconscious levels we live through interactions with others and stimuli we receive from them as well as internally confined identity, so in the core, we are a conglomerate of SELF's, the inner core, and External, the environment which reaffirms our Core feelings. In other words we are the world around us, as much as the world within us.
That is why the disconnect, the Dysphoria is so tremendously disheartening, tearing at the core of being, disjointing Self into two separate fractions preventing one self from wholeness.
Being exposed to these latest feelings I often asked my self, since I have basically made a 360 loop and arrived in the same point, however this time around, in the congruently perceived body, what have I truly done, could i had remained just living status quo?
The answer came from interactions with others, their smiles ad embracing stamina towards me. I am whole, one SELF, and through such, I radiate the power of love, truth and serenity I have found, in return my environment adjusts to this condition and all I see is Goodness.
Of course pain is here, how else, the ingredient of life we can not do without, but getting over the hurdles now takes hours or days where in the past it would have surrounded me for ages.
So why transition?
In the most simple explanation, I did it first to feel whole, but in return I have been granted the power of love so immense, that it literally shapes my world around me, giving me love in return and a place of true self.