My Rant!

[Sarahgurl371]

Sorry so long!!!!!

Just wanted to say thank you to all my friends here, CD/TG/TS and GG alike. Thank you for helping me thru a tough time. As some of you now, I have been having a very difficult time at home lately, and have posted here and exchanged ideas with some very intelligent people. My last thread dealt with how to live with an unaccepting wife, when you accept yourself.

I received such a warm response from all. Many showed that they cared and that they accepted me for me. And alot of useful information, and even some critique as well. It gave me much to think about. I came to the conclusion that I am a good person. That I am worthy of love just the way I am. That I am a better person because of my CD/TG traits. That it is OK to be me. And that my wife is LUCKY to have me.

If any of you can remember my earlier posts, you will recall the difficulty I was having in self acceptance. I thought that my wifes acceptance of me was crucial to my own acceptance, like somone else had to say I was OK, in order for me to believe it myself. As pointed out here several times, by some very smart individuals, I was wrong.:eek: Now I have not had to say that many times in my life, but this time its true. Thanks to you all and this forum, I have turned over a new leaf.

I ACCEPT MYSELF FOR WHO I AM. I LOVE MYSELF, THE WAY I AM. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR BEING ME. IF YOU DON'T LIKE WHO I AM BECAUSE OF YOUR PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS, AND AN UNWILLINGNESS TO LEARN ABOUT DIVERSITY, THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM NOT MINE! AND I REALLY DON'T NEED YOU AROUND.

I have not been here on the forum for several days now. My wife and I were about a split second from divorce for the past several days. A divorce that has been gonna happen and threatened by her for two or so years now. Oh how I pleaded with her to love me, accept me for who I was, to realize that I am still the same person she "loves". To see the good in me. I tried compromise after compromise, on my thoughts and behavior, not hers. I did not dress in I don't know how long. I ceratinly didn't expect to be intimate while dressed. Can you imagine the horror she would feel? How about the horror, rejection, anger I felt not being able to be loved as I wished, as I felt was normal to me? I tried education, professional counseling, and analyzed myself for months, if not years. She would not have it. It was my problem, that was what was destroying this marraige. She could not believe I would choose dressing and "prancing" around the house over her. I disgusted her. I was an immoral person in her opinion. After 14 years. I begged for forgiveness for being who I was. I aplogized till I was blue in the face for my actions in the past. You know, the sin of having a secret so deep and personal that it took years to tell her, even if I didn't know what exactly that secret was. Please, Please, Please, I was a broken record.

A funny thing happened. I became what she wanted me to be. I became a man. I had enough. I grew a spine. You know what, she is lucky to have me! I deserve to be loved for who I am. I have been , and am now a good husband, and friend. I have given her everything she ever asked for, except this one thing. This one thing that I cannot give. I will not live a life where I cannot be who I am, or live life with a person who cannot accept me for who I am. I am worth it!

I decided that I accept myself, thats it. I have had a lifetime of feeling ashamed, and guilty, and peverted. I will not live this way anymore. There is nothing wrong with me. I am certifiable:p , and have been certified OK by two mental health professionals. I have prayed to God, I have had it out with God. IN THE END, IT WAS UP TO ME. All I had to do was just accept myself. I am a transgendered person who is a crossdresser. ( also kinkier than a phone cord, if any of us remember one of those!);) I love myself this way. It feels natural to me. I feel wonderful when I get to express myself as I wish. The look in my eye when I get to be "Tammy" is absolutely incredible, I glow.:)

Having worked all this out in my head, thanks to you. Having talked to my family about myself, I guess outed myself to them, and receiving love and acceptance from them ( I am very fortunate I know). I do not know why that was so important to me, but it was. I made up MY mind. I will not live with a person who cannot or will not accept me. I starting looking for a place, and arranging financing so I could live until my divorce was final and all the stuff I thought was so important to gather over the past 14 years is sold in divied up. I told her it was over. Imagine her suprise. I was rejecting her. Her royal moralness. I think that I am a better person than she is.

Mind you, all this while still loving her so very much. Loving her enough to give her freedom from a man she cannot accept despite loving so much. Loving her enough to hope and pray for her future and her happiness, and hoping and praying that she may be loved and find love, that way she wishes. That she has a wonderful life ahead. No ill will at all. After many tears and and several sleepless nights we had to have one more big talk.

Well I sit here tonight still a married man. I sit here still very new to the whole self acceptance thing. I sit here tonight not sure we will make it. I sit here tonight as ME. No more hiding myself from her or myself. No more apologizing for who I am. No more feelings of guilt (I hope). No more shame for who I am. In the end, I guess that I am a hopless romantic. Willing to give Love, and 14 years of history one more chance. Oh, and she said she would change. I don't know if thats possible, but whats' one more shot.

[Sharon]

Wow, no words here, Tammy, but one great big :hugs:

Okay -- two words:
Good luck! :)

[Kera_dove]

I wish you all the happiness that you desrvive (sp) and WTG You have to be true to yourself before you can be to others. Goddess Bless sweety.

Blessed Be
~Kera :be:

[size7satin]

good luck to you both .....woman what PITA's but damn you gotta love'm.

[KELLYANN]

:hugs: to you TAMMY!! hope everything works out for you girl

[Kim E]

Tammy ~
You are one very courageous young woman. That giant step of self acceptance, is one that's very difficult to take. It took me over 40 years to take it, but now I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I wish you only the best.

Love ~ Kim

[uknowhoo]

W O W !

How empowering, and inspiring!
What a wonderful breakthrough!
Congratulations, good luck, and thank you.
Luv n hugs,
Tammi

(you are now free to prance about the cabin :p )

[Jodi]

Tammy, Your story sounds so much like mine, except I was married for 33 years. I had tried every reasoning possible. So the last time she said she was not happy and wanted out, I said, Good, and how soon. I have been divorced now for 5 years. We are both happier. I've never felt better about myself and have never been as relaxed.

Good luck on your situation. The divorce can be a very stressful time. Bear with it. Things do get better.

Jodi

[sherri]

Tammy, your post is very moving. My heart was pounding as I read it, and I felt this tremendous empathy --- for both of you. Both of you are trying to make a stand for what you believe in. Both of you are feeling a great deal of anguish right now, I know. One just has to have faith in honesty and dignity and compassion, right?

As Wendy and I were recently discussing, people can change if they truly want to. Most people are too lazy or stubborn or afraid, but love and integrity are powerful motives. Anyone who genuinely wants to change can change.

You are both in my hearts tonight.

[sarahsfiona GG]

Best of luck to you, Tammy.

Many hugs,
Fiona

[Holly]

Tammy, words fail me at the moment. One thing comes to mind, however... once you you were able to come to terms with yourself and accept yourself and who you are, your partner's confidence in you as her partner grows. One thing you said particularly struck me:
A funny thing happened. I became what she wanted me to be. I became a man. I had enough. I grew a spine. You know what, she is lucky to have me! I deserve to be loved for who I am. I have been , and am now a good husband, and friend...I've said before that when we (crossdressers) are confident in ourselves and who we are, those around us are more apt to accept us as we are. I believe you and your wife are an example of just how powerful our own attitudes can be.

Please let us know how things progress. The type of love the two of you are displaying is refreshing. Cherrish and nurture it! Best wishes and lots of prayers!

[TGMarla]

Hi again, soul sister.

Reading your post here is like reading from my own soul. My God! How can anyone's situation be so parallel to mine? Words cannot describe it! I hope and pray the best for you, and all the while knowing that whatever becomes of your situation with you and your wife may well be the same as mine.

Mind you, all this while still loving her so very much. Loving her enough to give her freedom from a man she cannot accept despite loving so much. Loving her enough to hope and pray for her future and her happiness, and hoping and praying that she may be loved and find love, that way she wishes. That she has a wonderful life ahead. No ill will at all.
I sure can relate to all of that. Only time will tell right now where we are going to end up. The love is there, but neither of us is sure how strong it is. A few weeks is going to tell the difference at this point, as I am going to write her a long letter to let her know where I stand on everything, hoping that my words will help to answer some of the questions that must be nagging her.

I think of you often, and keep you in my thoughts. Best of times to you, my sister.

[Phoebe Reece]

Tammy, your post was one of the most powerful and emotionally charged things that I have ever read. I have to say that however the marriage finally turns out, you have done the right thing. Self-acceptance is the hardest, but also the most important state of mind that anyone needs to achieve. I always remember what my wife told me some 30 + years ago when I was hesitating once about going out enfemme: "If you're going to do this, be a man about it." That simple admonition changed my outlook on many things in my life.

You've got the right attitude about it all now. Things will start to go your way. Maybe not in the way you envision, but your quality of life will ulitmately improve.

[flatlander_48]

Well, if it was easy (crossdressing that is), Everybody would be doing it...

[Helana]

Tammy

I am so, so happy for you. You are a shining star tonight. Your self-acceptance is the most important thing you can ever achieve in your life. Without it you are only half a person. One should never have to apologize for the intolerence of others or beg for acceptance.

Now you will find out what is more important to your wife - holding onto her prejudices or accepting the man in her life who has always loved her deeply. If she chooses wisely then your relationship will be far deeper and more satisfying then either of your two can imagine. I really hope she does see the light. If she does then treasure her forever.

[RachelDenise]

Tammy I am soooo happy for you to finally accept who you are. It's the first step and hopefully it will work out for you. You've got ovaries baby!

[DonnaT]

That's great Tammy. I truly hope your wife can learn to accept Tammy, at least in part, and give no more demands or ultimatums. Good luck with everything.

[BrendaChristine]

I read your post again Tammy, this morning. You are one hell of a woman!:koc:

[paulaN]

Way to go girl. It took me a very long time to accept myself for who and what I am. Your on the right track. And if that track involves staying married all the better for both of you. I support you all the way, but I don't count.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I'm so happy for you Tammi! Gaining self-acceptance is huge.

While you can only change yourself, not others, I hope the change does improve things with your wife. People are funny, sometimes despite what they say, they really want their partner to stand up for themselves instead of trying to placate. (Obviously, you also don't want to ram it down your partner throat, but I think you'd be the last person to do that Tammi.) But should the worse happen, just remember what you've written here.

[Julie York]

Self acceptance is probably the hardest part of being a CD. After that....it's just 'people' stuff.



Good luck Tammy.

[FionaAlexis]

Hi Tammy,

I have read some rants on tranny forums – but yours has got to be ranked in the top two.

I am very pleased you’ve finally accepted yourself and self acceptance is the key.

So the ‘worm has turned’. After 14 years of struggle and deprivation, the shackles of fear and guilt have been broken and cast aside. The flag of gender freedom has been unfurled. You have at last stood up and become a man. You’ve certainly taught her ‘royal moralness’ a very valuable lesson and one that she is unlikely to forget. I’m just not sure it’s the lesson you think – but time will tell.

Fiona xx

[sherri]

A few weeks is going to tell the difference at this point, as I am going to write her a long letter to let her know where I stand on everything, hoping that my words will help to answer some of the questions that must be nagging her.

Are you sure you want to put things in writing baby? Just a cautionary thought. I'm sure you know best.

[Sarahgurl371]

Thank you all for your support! I don't really know what to say except thanks. I felt so empowered when writing this thread. I have been looking myself in the eye alot lately. Saying to myself, you are who you are, you are OK. I accept myself for who I am. I think I have made the first step. I think there are more to take.

Tonight, I had another first. I debated it all day at work, I was going out tonight, in all my glory. Started to waffle on the way home. Its so cold here today, maybe I will just stay in. Wife went to work, still waffling, still wanting so much to prove to myself I wouldn't die. Still so excited by the possibility of finally walking out of the house.

Took care of my chores, decided to just get semi dressed and read on the forum. Then one thing after the other, I am fully dressed, with a 10 min makeup job, but I think looking pretty OK. Which shoes shall I wear? there is about 1/2 inch of snow outside, certainlly don't want to slip and fall! You think you have a nice walk in heels on the carpet, try it on a snow covered walk, downhill! I DID!!!!!! Made it to the car, started the car, put it in big D, and off I went. Wow, its tough to drive in heels!!!!! wonderful, but difficult.

OK, now I get a little nervous, traffic everywhere, deer are nuts this time of year, so in the end I managed about 5 miles around the block. Not exactly a world record or everything I want to do, but a good start huh? Even had a coffee and a smoke out on the deck when i got home. Hope my neighbors didn't see. Oh well if they did. I will bet they wouldn't bring it up even if they did. Hey this living without all the stupid fear is kinda cool.

I guess I am just trying to make light of my situation. Lots of heavy thinking, soul searching, crying, hurting, accepting going on lately. Still a mixed bag right now, not exactly sure. So excited I made it out of the house after all these years, hopefully, next step, a Transpitt meeting!

I have, I think made many friends here. I hope you don't mind me thinking of you all that way. I wish we all lived near each other, so we could have a coffee, and just BS for a while. You all have inspired me so much in the very short time I have been here, Thank you, Thank you, thank you. I wish the best for all of us. So many here are right, once we start to not cowher in the closet, maybe things can get better.

I do not mean to offend those who are not where I am. We all have to make that choice for our selves. For me, I simply could not live that way anymore. We are all the same, but different.

I do not know about my relationship with my wife, but certainlly my relationship with myself will be better now. I think my problem, my cross to bear, has been derived from how I view the world and those around me, not how they actually do. Only thing I could change was my perception. Fear, what a wasted emotion, in this instance. Now I know I cannot get stupid about all this, but really, how much time have I lost immobilized by fear?

Oh I will put up a pic or two on the pics forum. Another new ensemble maybe????

luv you all

Tam

[Jillian310]

Tammy, Tammy, Tammy, You are an inspiration! I live in SW PA, not that far from you? If you ever want company or just chat, give me a sign. Meeting you in real time would be a privilege.

[FionaAlexis]

We are all the same, but different.
Tam

How very true. Indeed even those who seem quite different are somehow strangely similar.

Sorry I doubt I could make it over for coffee - but very happy to BS.

take care

Fiona xx

[Monique_Lynn]

Hang in there Tammy, self acceptance is very important but still has its ups and downs. I remember reading thru a pocket calender that had quotes of the day, one in particular stuck with me, from Bill Cosby " I don't know the key to success but the key to certain failure is trying to please everyone" I used to try an make every one happy.... Did not work!!!
Good luck to you
ginger
coffee and BS sounds good!

[Kimberly]

*standing ovation*

:D xxx

[Veronica E. Scott]

Well said and well done hope everything works out for you and your SO you will be in our prayers.

PS. could you talk to my SO.

[Wendy me]

wow i can't say any more than the outher girls have said , the only thing it left me thinking is i wounder how many outhers feel the same way???