Am I This? Or Am I That? (Kinda Long)

[WillowWriter]

I have always had issues within my mind, I suffer from Bipolar Disorder(Diagnosed at 10 years old) but even before then, I can remember certain events that very much sounded off for a little boy to do. Back when I was 6 years old, maybe even younger, I can remember hiding out in the bathroom, and playing with my mum's makeup(Lipstick, blush, eyeliner, etc), I didn't know why, but I enjoyed doing that, and it didn't seem wrong to do. On and off as I grew, these kinda events popped up, wearing makeup here, wearing girls clothes there, normal crossdressing stuff. Though, even when I was younger, I can remember that I once shaved my legs, though having nothing but peachfuzz on my body. Mum noticed, asked me why, and I basically said "I have no idea, just did it, I guess," and nothing was talked about since. I had periods of time where I would go over to a girls house, crossdress, for a laughs, halloween, them wanting to dress me up, etc. To not get too into detail, I had a traumatic childhood. Bullied, beat up, laughed at, teased, parents got divorced, no time to take care of me, only my older brother(Has Aspergers), ignored for 3 years, switched schools several times, etc, etc. In junior year, I started questioning things, mainly, my gender. I was in extreme distaste of being male since I was this short, easy to cry, sensitive 16 year old no-so-boy weirdo. A friend, who was a crossdresser, basically showed me more into the Transworld, where I started picking up crossdressing as a regular thing. He helped me pick a name, and even wanted to help me through becoming a girl, but after some more traumatic events, I moved away from wanting to be a girl, and just stuck it out. I had on and off moments where I questioned it again, but nothing came of it. Not until I was out of high school for a year and out working, did the feelings and thoughts surface again, so I just crossdressed again, as I took a break from it completely. As of recently, I've been every few months having my mood tank completely, because these damn thoughts and feels resurface, but I'm not entirely sure if its legit trans thoughts, or a mix of my Bipolar Disorder and the past traumas. What I'd really like to know is what makes most sense to any of you. Am I sounding like a Tranny, or Am I just trying to cover up past traumas with these thoughts? When the thought of transition comes up, it really scares me and my girlfriend. We are really lost, I wanna be able to be happy, and not deal with these damn thoughts every few months. What is there I can do? Are there more options than transition? Is there a compromise between the two? All thoughts and ideas are welcome. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this long post. :)

[Jorja]

To be honest with you, you need to consult a therapist. I say this because of the bipolar disorder and your difficulties while growing up. It would be a mine field for amateurs like us to give advice.

[melissaK]

Willow! Whether you are this or are that, you do seem to be a survivor. Jorja is right about a therapist. I have some non TS mental health issues and mine got mixed in the gender issues and then I was pretty confused. It took me a good number of years to get myself sorted out, and a therapist was a big help. I certainly wish I could say more that was meaningful, but I'm optimistic your survival instincts will help you get your feelings sorted out.

[Barbara Ella]

Willow, I certainly am not qualified to answer these questions, and the advice for a therapist to help you separate them out is very wise. Just remember, we are the sum of our historical parts. How or why we got to today may be very important to understand, but do not let not knowing detract from accepting who you are today, and if it does not displease you, do not ignore it.

Barbara

[ReineD]

Willow, I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this growing up. :sad: No child deserves this. :sad: :sad: :hugs:

I agree with the others. You may fall somewhere along the trans spectrum, or you may be transsexual, but you owe it to yourself to see a professional to sort through your other stuff first, so that your gender can then become clear.

Doesn't mean you can't stay here and make friends though. But no one here can tell you who you are, even if you had been a member here for years and had written volumes. We just don't have the qualifications. Also, therapists can't tell you who you are either. But they can help you figure it out for yourself.

[LeaP]

It can be hard to sort out, but the process for doing so with a competent, trained therapist is well-understood. And there IS a process for this - it's not just a subjective evaluation. Having other issues mixed in with gender is true for MOST patients presenting with gender concerns, especially mood and anxiety disorders, but there are others that are pretty common too. The challenge is figuring out what is simply co-morbid versus issues produced as a manifestation of other issues.

Simple co-morbidity: i.e., you got something going on in addition to gender, but it can ultimately be treated as a separate issue, whether or not it is complicating the gender issue. Also, co-morbid conditions do NOT have to be treated or eliminated in order to treat GID. This is even true of psychosis patients. As long as the GID is genuine (for lack of a better word), it can be treated in its own right.

Epiphenomenal: a gender issue that arises as a manifestation or symptom of another condition and which will disappear when the underlying condition is treated. One Dutch survery of psychiatrists showed that as many as 60% or so of patients presenting with gender issues had co-morbid conditions, and among 75% of THOSE, gender was a secondary manifestation only.

So if a therapist goes down the path of sorting issues out and appearing to pay insufficient attention to gender in the beginning, rest assured there's a reason for it. Nothing will ultimately interfere with the treatment of a real gender issue, and you'll receive attention for the other stuff, too.

[BreenaDion]

What I had to do is see a social worker to get diagnose with GID and then a letter for hormones. Also after the start of HRT I whent on to see a Psychologist for PTSD, as that time it was very mild with anxiety and very little panic attacks. 2 yrs later PTSD came full bloom and yr later it erupted into manic depressive. Doing a lot of therapy simultaneously is counter productive and can lead to maybe psychosis among other mental health issues. Best not to over whelm oneself with many different forms of therapy . Once I uncovered my conundrum I was at the time tring to have each disorder treated by a different professional and that inturn caused a quagmire so my symptoms got out of controll. I am now in a" state of pause " and will continue at a much slower and smaller rate. I can interact with a person without fear of symptoms arising again. I am maintaining controll and I do look forward to continue therapy with my phychologist after I end GID treatment with my social worker for a long period of well deserved rest. That should be very early spring and I am getting excited on having my 3Ts surpressed.

Also there is another support network for you in mental health issues. The Wounded Healing Journey . TWHJ.com and that you must first register and waait about a week to get excepted. Its a Post and read forum just like CD.com and also has a chat room. I am a member also and havent been their in many months. They have totally updated there website as most of there post have been deleted :( :( .

Good luck.

PS I was seeing a L.I.C.S.W, P.C.P , Endrocrinologist, Psychologist, LMHC, psychiatrist,and pain specialist just after being hit by a car while riding a bicycle.

[Inna]

When you were diagnosed early on in mid childhood such diagnosis could have been a misinterpretation of a deeper Gender issue, which is quite obvious in your words. I would venture to point out that perhaps you are not bipolar, in fact such can seem a cup out and a point of stopping your self from real exploration of SELF.
I don't know who you are, and so therapy with a qualified, experienced TransGender issues therapist is a first concrete step towards uncovering the mechanisms at hand.

From what you have written, it is a textbook TransGender condition, however, it isn't clear if Transsexuality is at the core.
Rest assured that such feelings will not go away, and usually intensity of reoccurrence grows with age.

[Diversity]

Hi Willow,
The best answer I can give is that others have already suggested - see a qualified therapist. One thing I can say is that you are to be commended for recognizing and being able to openly communicate your feelings. Recognition is the first step toward healing. Best wishes to you.
Di

[SuzanneBender]

Willow my advice is the same as the other ladies here, but I wanted to let you know that we are here for you no matter where you fall on the gender spectrum.

You are you no matter if you are or if you are not.

[KellyJameson]

Interesting that you have a brother with Apergers. Within the community of Aspergers is an unusually high percentage of those who are TS compared to the population as a whole.

We all start out with female brains because the female brain is the default brain for mammals that is than changed during fetal development by hormones, particularly testosterone for the male.

The science is to complex and the variables to great to go into why the brain does not change but the body does but in essence thats what happens. The brain stays female.

The female brain subjectively experiences "reality" differently than the male brain to serve biological and evolutionary purposes along with the "internal sensation of self" that is different between men and women where you "feel" like a man or "feel" like a woman which you see in general by the differences between the sexes that transcends socialization and is universal regardless of place or time.

As a child you start to fiqure this out quickly and it is the sensation of being "different" from other boys who "feel" and "act" like boys.

Life cannot turn you into what you are not so you adopt a "holding pattern" of being "nothing" (genderless independant of whatever words you use to describe yourself to yourself or others) to survive between the outside that wants to change you and the inside that wants to remain the same.

Living genderless because the world identifies you one way but you physically (brain/mind) are the other way causes trauma so mental illness follows closely along with unresolved existential problems related to death because you are always in anxiety so death as your destruction is up and close because you cannot build an identity that would allow you the comfort to step away from death however temporarily.

In my opinion it is very difficult to not have mental health issues as a consequence of the GID because mental illness, when not pathological (biological or a environmental basis such as mercury poisoning) is almost always caused by some form of trauma and GID is almost always traumatic because we still live in a world that is not enlightened (still learning) so is not sensitive to the child who was born this way.

I would go into your mind and see if there is a "feeling as memory" of you always resisting being "turned into" something that you were and are not.

You will "feel it" like you are protecting your life but yet you cannot fiqure out why or what you are trying to protect because there does not seem to be any identifiable threat to you so it is only a feeling of always being under "assault" and it is "this thing that is always under assault" that is your true identity, not the one that you created according to what the world told you.

If you find this inside yourself than think of this as being "the female" of you that you did not know was female but thought was simply you as male.

Your brain has a biological identity but you were given a social identity and if they are different you will experience identity conflict as GID

If and when you meet this unknown or forgotten self let that person out to grow and see where it takes you

What makes it confusing is sex because if you are sexual as a male but your brain is female you may be in conflict with your sexual expression because the energies run contrary to each other so they they are at war with each other with one trying to dominate the other for expression while in the same body. This caused me alot of grief in my life.