Henna
12-20-2012, 03:57 AM
Hello
I thought to write a bit of update about myself, as much has happened, since I first wrote to this forum. This is my first post to this section. I kind of want to vent my thoughts a bit and write them down. Feel free to comment, although I do have a bad habit of writing in a longish way :) I apologize that, but I finally feel happy about myself. To really know and accept myself and to understand why life has been a bit strange.
I talked here, in other forums, to my SO and to psychiatrists fifteen years ago that I have two personalities. One is female (which I never told to the army of psychiatrists in fear, that I would be locked forever in a hospital) and the other male. Outside is male, inside is female, which is me. I have kind of know it all my life, but haven´t accepted it. I have been really good at suppressing myself, partly because of my upbringing and my very non-tolerant father. However, now that I finally started to open knots (tight ones) in my head during the past few years, slowly at first and in the past six months with an increasing speed, digging up my past with photographs, items, drawings and with letters from my youth and childhood and with my medical records, it really feels like everything suddenly in my life makes sense. Memories from childhood are also coming back. I´ve removed nearly all the suppression that I´ve created to myself.
It´s like a Jack-in-the-box bursting open! Hello, here I am!
Memories of my doll in the carriage and being in picnic with it, my father looking at me angrily, boys don´t play with dolls, the other doll that I liked very much, but couldn´t play with it at home, instead played with it in upstairs where an older lady lived, our landlord. Boys don´t cry!. The fear of my father. My mother letting me try nail-polish, make-up, high-heel shoes and her night gowns, when I was with her (my parents divorced when I was few years old and I lived with my father). I remember how the make-up table looked like, how the make-up smelled, the jewelry box and the jewelries that I liked. I always thought that those memories are not real, as I was so young. However when I told sometime ago to my grandmother, how I feel, she confirmed that everything that I remember is actually true, even to the color of the make-up table. I have been about five years old then.
I remember my "girlfriends", when I was at elementary school. The first thoughts that is this love that I want to be like one of my "girlfriends"? I remember getting beaten up, bullied and tossed outside of social circles in high school, as I used to spend time with one girl, who was dating another boy. I could not see anything wrong with me spending time with her and looking at her clothes, room and magazines.
Others could and so could rest of the high school. Rest of the time in high school I was completely alone. There started the endless loop of thoughts in certain situations, that still haunts me and which seem to be really hard to kill; How would men act in this situation, how would men say, don´t keep your hands like that, don´t sit like that, don´t stand like that, men don´t do that.
Late teens, trying to find a place to be, to find myself from religions, sub-cultures, drifting from place to place. Twenty years old and the realization or feeling, that I should have been born as a female from the outside too. The thought that it´s completely sick to think like that. Depression, anxiety, self-destruction and two years of psychiatric treatment, without any help to the feeling.
Mid-twenties studying health care, getting a good job and surrounded by female co-workers. Being happy among my female co-workers. Getting told during the years by several co-workers in private and in public, that I´m one of the women at work. Feeling good about it, but still sad. Co-worker telling me a week ago as a second person in the world, even before her sister, that she is pregnant first month. Something shattering inside me, as she told me. Feeling that certain people can see past the body, to really see who you are, your soul? Realization how many friends I´ve lost during the years and that I have none, as I don´t feel comfortable with my appearance or who I appear to be. I don´t want to be in social situations like this. Realization that I don´t want to be naked anywhere, even in front of my SO I feel uncomfortable. Realization that I haven´t bought male clothes until the clothes are so worn down, that I have to buy something if I don´t want to be naked. I just cannot see any of the male clothes on top of me.
Jack-in-the-box or TS-in-the-box?
I will most likely get into the examination for possible diagnose for transsexualism next year, which is the path here to transition. I´ve discussed with my SO how I feel and also with my grandmother, who is the closest person in my life. Both are quite supportive, although afraid. I´m afraid too, or actually terrified. I´m terrified that I get told that I´m in psychosis, I have a skitzofrenia, any other serious mental health issue, perhaps testosterone levels in the body are low, which causes that I feel the way that I feel? Anything that can be cured with few tablets and suddenly I don´t feel like a woman anymore...who am I then if that happens?
If the above would happen, then I wouldn´t really know myself at all anymore. I´ve spent most of my life trying to figure out myself and finally coming to conclusion and accepting, I would get told that sorry, you are psychotic, take these tablets and your thoughts and feelings are gone.
What then, what or who would I be? That terrifies me more than anything I can imagine. That also keeps me from going to the research group who diagnoses transsexualism here.
Now that I finally know myself, accept it and I feel happy and relaxed about myself, I want to enjoy myself, who I am, at least for a short moment.
I thought to write a bit of update about myself, as much has happened, since I first wrote to this forum. This is my first post to this section. I kind of want to vent my thoughts a bit and write them down. Feel free to comment, although I do have a bad habit of writing in a longish way :) I apologize that, but I finally feel happy about myself. To really know and accept myself and to understand why life has been a bit strange.
I talked here, in other forums, to my SO and to psychiatrists fifteen years ago that I have two personalities. One is female (which I never told to the army of psychiatrists in fear, that I would be locked forever in a hospital) and the other male. Outside is male, inside is female, which is me. I have kind of know it all my life, but haven´t accepted it. I have been really good at suppressing myself, partly because of my upbringing and my very non-tolerant father. However, now that I finally started to open knots (tight ones) in my head during the past few years, slowly at first and in the past six months with an increasing speed, digging up my past with photographs, items, drawings and with letters from my youth and childhood and with my medical records, it really feels like everything suddenly in my life makes sense. Memories from childhood are also coming back. I´ve removed nearly all the suppression that I´ve created to myself.
It´s like a Jack-in-the-box bursting open! Hello, here I am!
Memories of my doll in the carriage and being in picnic with it, my father looking at me angrily, boys don´t play with dolls, the other doll that I liked very much, but couldn´t play with it at home, instead played with it in upstairs where an older lady lived, our landlord. Boys don´t cry!. The fear of my father. My mother letting me try nail-polish, make-up, high-heel shoes and her night gowns, when I was with her (my parents divorced when I was few years old and I lived with my father). I remember how the make-up table looked like, how the make-up smelled, the jewelry box and the jewelries that I liked. I always thought that those memories are not real, as I was so young. However when I told sometime ago to my grandmother, how I feel, she confirmed that everything that I remember is actually true, even to the color of the make-up table. I have been about five years old then.
I remember my "girlfriends", when I was at elementary school. The first thoughts that is this love that I want to be like one of my "girlfriends"? I remember getting beaten up, bullied and tossed outside of social circles in high school, as I used to spend time with one girl, who was dating another boy. I could not see anything wrong with me spending time with her and looking at her clothes, room and magazines.
Others could and so could rest of the high school. Rest of the time in high school I was completely alone. There started the endless loop of thoughts in certain situations, that still haunts me and which seem to be really hard to kill; How would men act in this situation, how would men say, don´t keep your hands like that, don´t sit like that, don´t stand like that, men don´t do that.
Late teens, trying to find a place to be, to find myself from religions, sub-cultures, drifting from place to place. Twenty years old and the realization or feeling, that I should have been born as a female from the outside too. The thought that it´s completely sick to think like that. Depression, anxiety, self-destruction and two years of psychiatric treatment, without any help to the feeling.
Mid-twenties studying health care, getting a good job and surrounded by female co-workers. Being happy among my female co-workers. Getting told during the years by several co-workers in private and in public, that I´m one of the women at work. Feeling good about it, but still sad. Co-worker telling me a week ago as a second person in the world, even before her sister, that she is pregnant first month. Something shattering inside me, as she told me. Feeling that certain people can see past the body, to really see who you are, your soul? Realization how many friends I´ve lost during the years and that I have none, as I don´t feel comfortable with my appearance or who I appear to be. I don´t want to be in social situations like this. Realization that I don´t want to be naked anywhere, even in front of my SO I feel uncomfortable. Realization that I haven´t bought male clothes until the clothes are so worn down, that I have to buy something if I don´t want to be naked. I just cannot see any of the male clothes on top of me.
Jack-in-the-box or TS-in-the-box?
I will most likely get into the examination for possible diagnose for transsexualism next year, which is the path here to transition. I´ve discussed with my SO how I feel and also with my grandmother, who is the closest person in my life. Both are quite supportive, although afraid. I´m afraid too, or actually terrified. I´m terrified that I get told that I´m in psychosis, I have a skitzofrenia, any other serious mental health issue, perhaps testosterone levels in the body are low, which causes that I feel the way that I feel? Anything that can be cured with few tablets and suddenly I don´t feel like a woman anymore...who am I then if that happens?
If the above would happen, then I wouldn´t really know myself at all anymore. I´ve spent most of my life trying to figure out myself and finally coming to conclusion and accepting, I would get told that sorry, you are psychotic, take these tablets and your thoughts and feelings are gone.
What then, what or who would I be? That terrifies me more than anything I can imagine. That also keeps me from going to the research group who diagnoses transsexualism here.
Now that I finally know myself, accept it and I feel happy and relaxed about myself, I want to enjoy myself, who I am, at least for a short moment.