Anne2345
12-20-2012, 11:01 PM
Until recently, it has been a very long time since I have felt genuinely happy.
Truth be told, I have difficulty even remembering the last time I was really and truly happy.
Perhaps I never have been, for all I know now.
That’s not to say I have not had my good moments. In fact, I am fortunate to have many wonderful, fantastic, and beautiful memories that I will always cherish and look back upon fondly and with love.
Over the past several years, however, such good moments have been few and far in between.
Regardless, throughout intense, chaotic, and painful bouts of gender dysphoria, I have learned much about myself.
The lessons, however, have not come easily. There were times I did not think I would ever learn. There were times I did not want to learn. There were times I wanted to turn my back to anything and everything, and shut out the world in its entirety. And there were times I simply no longer desired to be.
Yet, despite the overwhelming and debilitating fear I allowed myself to experience, I pressed on forward with the blessings, assistance, and support of you all, my wife, my therapists, and certain friends and family I have come out to, all of whom I shall remain eternally grateful.
Still, each progressive step forward I took I did so tentatively, timidly, and in fear.
Instinctively, I knew I had to press forward, but I did so with little confidence and no small amount of trepidation. Instead, I moved cautiously forward out of an overwhelming sense of desperation and necessity. Courage had little to do with it. Many times I even did so kicking and screaming the whole time along the way.
Admittedly, though, with each new step successfully completely, I have experienced pride and a sense of accomplishment.
But what I have not felt along the way is happiness. Until recently, that is. More specifically, I have not felt happiness until I made the decision to seek out and begin HRT several months ago.
Since that time, I have affirmatively worked towards making HRT my reality. And finally, after much work, time, and effort, I have my first appointment with my HRT doc tomorrow.
Unlike previous steps forward, though, I am really, really looking forward to my appointment. Also different is that I do not feel any fear this time. I do not feel a sense of chaotic intensity. I do not feel afraid. I am not worried. I do not feel like I am making a mistake. I do not feel wrong.
Rather, I feel amazing. I feel lively. I feel right.
And dare I say it? I feel happy!
Incredibly so, I even also feel a strong sense of hope that has long been missing from my life.
The funny thing, though, is that these very positive feelings and emotions somehow seem kind of weird and out of place. To be certain, experiencing such feelings and emotions have not been my modus operandi throughout most of my journey. As such, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but given that I have been fighting myself my entire life, perhaps that has something to do with it.
In this regard, I never thought I would ever allow myself to really get to this point. I thought I would always be too strong to allow such a thing to happen, actually. Little did I know that what I had long believed to be strength was actually in truth epic and profound self-failure and weakness, but I completely and totally digress . . . .
The point is that I am actually good with all of this now. Not only am I good with it, but I embrace it. HRT is the next step for me. I need it. But I really want it, too. And I feel really good about the decisions I have made regarding this, and how I have arrived at this point in my life.
I suppose what’s most weird about it is the novelty of moving forward for once actually unshackled by the weight of fear, denial, and self-rejection. It is a weird feeling, though, when I think about it. Just all of the counter-productive thoughts and negative energy I used to force upon myself are all of a sudden gone! Poof! As if such things never existed . . . .
As for the future – one step at a time, one day at a time. For all I know, it may, and probably will, all go south again at some point later on down the road.
But for now, I accept who I am, I even like it, and I am happy to be me!
It’s funny how some things can change, huh?
Truth be told, I have difficulty even remembering the last time I was really and truly happy.
Perhaps I never have been, for all I know now.
That’s not to say I have not had my good moments. In fact, I am fortunate to have many wonderful, fantastic, and beautiful memories that I will always cherish and look back upon fondly and with love.
Over the past several years, however, such good moments have been few and far in between.
Regardless, throughout intense, chaotic, and painful bouts of gender dysphoria, I have learned much about myself.
The lessons, however, have not come easily. There were times I did not think I would ever learn. There were times I did not want to learn. There were times I wanted to turn my back to anything and everything, and shut out the world in its entirety. And there were times I simply no longer desired to be.
Yet, despite the overwhelming and debilitating fear I allowed myself to experience, I pressed on forward with the blessings, assistance, and support of you all, my wife, my therapists, and certain friends and family I have come out to, all of whom I shall remain eternally grateful.
Still, each progressive step forward I took I did so tentatively, timidly, and in fear.
Instinctively, I knew I had to press forward, but I did so with little confidence and no small amount of trepidation. Instead, I moved cautiously forward out of an overwhelming sense of desperation and necessity. Courage had little to do with it. Many times I even did so kicking and screaming the whole time along the way.
Admittedly, though, with each new step successfully completely, I have experienced pride and a sense of accomplishment.
But what I have not felt along the way is happiness. Until recently, that is. More specifically, I have not felt happiness until I made the decision to seek out and begin HRT several months ago.
Since that time, I have affirmatively worked towards making HRT my reality. And finally, after much work, time, and effort, I have my first appointment with my HRT doc tomorrow.
Unlike previous steps forward, though, I am really, really looking forward to my appointment. Also different is that I do not feel any fear this time. I do not feel a sense of chaotic intensity. I do not feel afraid. I am not worried. I do not feel like I am making a mistake. I do not feel wrong.
Rather, I feel amazing. I feel lively. I feel right.
And dare I say it? I feel happy!
Incredibly so, I even also feel a strong sense of hope that has long been missing from my life.
The funny thing, though, is that these very positive feelings and emotions somehow seem kind of weird and out of place. To be certain, experiencing such feelings and emotions have not been my modus operandi throughout most of my journey. As such, I can’t quite put my finger on it, but given that I have been fighting myself my entire life, perhaps that has something to do with it.
In this regard, I never thought I would ever allow myself to really get to this point. I thought I would always be too strong to allow such a thing to happen, actually. Little did I know that what I had long believed to be strength was actually in truth epic and profound self-failure and weakness, but I completely and totally digress . . . .
The point is that I am actually good with all of this now. Not only am I good with it, but I embrace it. HRT is the next step for me. I need it. But I really want it, too. And I feel really good about the decisions I have made regarding this, and how I have arrived at this point in my life.
I suppose what’s most weird about it is the novelty of moving forward for once actually unshackled by the weight of fear, denial, and self-rejection. It is a weird feeling, though, when I think about it. Just all of the counter-productive thoughts and negative energy I used to force upon myself are all of a sudden gone! Poof! As if such things never existed . . . .
As for the future – one step at a time, one day at a time. For all I know, it may, and probably will, all go south again at some point later on down the road.
But for now, I accept who I am, I even like it, and I am happy to be me!
It’s funny how some things can change, huh?