My journey to discovering myself

[Nicole Rose]

Hey ladies,

I haven't posted on here in a while but I'm back because I have some news I want to share. I have been seeing a therapist since the beginning of the year but decided recently she wasn't exactly the right therapist for me since she's not super intelligent in the gender area. The past couple of weeks, I started seeing a gender therapist and once I saw her, I spilled my guts completely. We discussed crossdressing, hormones and support groups. She highly recommended me to see a psychiatrist to possibly get prescribed hormones if I have an intense feeling to have a feminine body. I have felt this way for years since suppressing my need to crossdress. All I think about is appearing feminine. I can't walk outside and see a beautiful woman on the street without obsessing over what it would be like to wear what she's wearing and have her body. All I think about is having curves, breasts, soft skin, long hair, cute butt and being hairless in the right spots. These feelings have become so intense that it's holding me back from doing anything remotely progressive in my life. I've recently come out to my girlfriend, who I live with, and she has been fully supportive of me. We went shopping for clothes recently and shopping for guy's pants just depressed the hell out of me. I had zero desire to shop for men's clothes. I ended up getting really skinny jeans that feel great to wear. I blame the makeover I had a few months back, haha! Can't stop thinking about being feminine and indulging in all things pretty. I don't want to look like some trashy drag queen though, I really just want to be a normal girl. I constantly look at clothing websites like Madewell and Urban Outfitters. My style would most likely be a hipster type of chick. Love that style lately, especially because of the winter clothes! I'm excited for my journey to womanhood. I feel like when I'm happy with my appearance, I will be free. Anyway, I'm just using this board for a journal/support method. Hope all you don't mind. Thanks for reading :)

[kimdl93]

It's great that you have your GFs support and that you're on the path to becoming the person you need to be. If you can, please pace yourself and give both of you the opportunity to adjust and readjust periodically. And once in a while take a breather and just be you..without regard to gender one way or another.

[SamanthaC]

Hi Nicole. Nice to see you're making progress.


All I think about is appearing feminine. I can't walk outside and see a beautiful woman on the street without obsessing over what it would be like to wear what she's wearing and have her body. All I think about is having curves, breasts, soft skin, long hair, cute butt and being hairless in the right spots. These feelings have become so intense that it's holding me back from doing anything remotely progressive in my life.

I can relate to this strongly. I believe the underlying reason for me is jealousy... I *hate* not being seen as the real me when I'm out in the world. Still, I hope this feeling and jealousy will cease once I start presenting as the real me out in the world.

Best wishes for your journey.

Samantha

[ChelseaErtel]

All I think about is having curves, breasts, soft skin, long hair, cute butt and being hairless in the right spots. These feelings have become so intense that it's holding me back from doing anything remotely progressive in my life.

I can also relate to this. Having to wait to begin transition is hard on me right now. I would like just get up and be me 100% of the time. I'm ready to go 100% and start HRT, but my wife isn't. Hope your SO stays by your side, it's a hard on SOs. Good luck.

[Nicole Rose]

Came out to another close friend today. Things are looking up. People are becoming more accepting and I feel more free as things come. Have to wait a month and a half for a new psychiatrist. Soon, I will be on HRT. Very excited for the future. :)

[morgan51]

Good luck Nicole. Very few get to keep thier so's you are blessed to have an accepting girlfriend I hope you can take it easy and enjoy the journey. Hugs. M.

[Nicole Rose]

Been depressed as all hell lately. Waiting for a call from a psychiatrist. What is the process like to get hormones? Do you need a recommendation from your therapist? My therapist is a gender therapist and is perfectly aware of my issues. I've basically told her everything. My anxiety and depression is at an all-time high. I feel like my meds aren't working anymore. My girlfriend is worried about me because I can barely get out of bed. I have to force myself to do anything remotely active. I'm going to be 28 in February. I just want to get GOING! Ugh, why is life so unfair? My girlfriend leaves town for a week tomorrow and I told her "Don't be surprised if you come back to a smooth body." Haha! My body hair has been making me very sad lately. I'm really reaching my breaking point. I'm so ready to move on with my life...but I'm at a stand still currently. Blah.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Try thinking about one thing at a time... i know that i "indulged" my depression and focused on how unfair all this is for a very long time..and got nowhere

is your girlfriend ok with you smoothing out that hair ? if not, maybe you need to talk to her more seriously...

or even better, there is nothing stopping you from just getting some basic clothes and making yourself up and going out.. express yourself... that is the answer...

[Nicole Rose]

One week till my hormone evaluation! Been waiting way too long. Since I posted last time, I have told all the members of my 2 bands and my sister. Everyone has been real supportive! I'm so excited! I have a ton of cute outfits I'm already working on.