Stash was found out, what should i do...

[Rachel87]

tldr;

Ok, so, first here is some context about my life.
I moved out of my parent's house a couple of years ago because i was going to work in a different city, it turns out that my brother moved to the same city so we decided to share an apartment. So over the years I started to build a nice wardrobe, my brother never knew about it. He also would never touches my stuff, so there was no risk of him finding out by accident. All was ok for some time. I feel dressing is something somewhat intimate about me, I don't feel like sharing it with just anybody, even less my family. In fact, I haven't dressed up in while actually, nor I felt like doing so in a while. I was thinking my interest in it was fading away, and I was even considering purging at this point...

Now what happened. My parents decided to come over for the holidays, knowing they don't have a lot of respect for privacy, I took some care to make sure my clothes were hidden properly. It turned out it wasn't enough. Because they were just looking for a pillow, they searched every corner of my bedroom while I was away. Then, guess what, they found it. So when I got home, my mom started to interrogate me about it. I didn't know what to do and there was really no good excuse for that amount of clothes so I just refused to answer anything. At first it seemed she thought it belonged to some secret gf, which I don't have... Then she proceeded to ask my brother about it (who had no idea about it), if he knew who owned those. He just said he didn't know about it. At this point I was so embarrassed... I got stuck, i had no idea how the react, and questions kept pouring from my mom's mouth. I just locked myself in my bedroom, geez, i feel like a teenager all over again. I have no idea how to face this situation now, moreover, they are staying for 3 more weeks, which at best will be 3 long awkward weeks. Even after that, it should still be awkward between me and my brother, we are good friends and all, but we don't the intimacy for this kind of thing... I feel like disappearing. One thing for sure, I really want to keep this away from them. Gosh, it just feels so weird to think about coming out to them. No, not an option... argh.... Moreover, my family is in general very homophobic...

[AmyGaleRT]

Heavens, Rachel, that's rough. About the only thing I can say for sure is that your parents are clearly in the wrong. While you were under their roof, going through your things might have been justifiable, if still somewhat less than nice. But in your home? That's incredibly rude.

Good of you to refuse to answer. Silence is the only answer a snoopy question rates. That, or the insult direct ("Go to hell!" or something else that wouldn't be very ladylike to post :) ).

- Amy

[weezah]

Damn, that's crap. If coming out isn't an option, just lie.

You can say the clothes belonged to an ex and you were embarrassed about it. You didn't want to initially answer your moms questions because of your embarrassment because its kind of creepy to keep that much clothes from an ex. You should also let your parents know that it was not OK for them to snoop around no matter the reason. That is if you haven't already told them

[Aubri]

Weezah, you beat me to it.

I personally would feel extremely awkward and would be mad as Hades about the snooping. But this is a time when you feel like you're backed into a corner and don't know how to get out. You only have two options: fabricate and buy time, or blow the door off the closet and pick up the pieces.

[Stephanie47]

You do not need to offer any explanation to your parents. It was rude for them to look through your closets. You would probably truly know if your mother is a snoop or not. There is a high degree of possibility your mother still views you as a child. Some never get over the fact their offspring are entitled to privacy. Some will continually interfere. I would just tell them it is none of their business-period. Frankly, if your mother pushes the issue, I would ask her to leave.

Since you and your brother live together, you may have to level with him. Ask him to respect your privacy. If he cannot do that, then you'll have to consider whether your relationship is worth keeping. Once the Genie is out of the bag, she will not go back in.

Basically you're an adult and will need to make adult decisions.

[Rachel137]

This is crazy!
Tell her it is none of her business. She has a lot of nerve searching your place then interrigating you about what she found. Oh yeah the old "I was looking for a pillow routine"
Really!!!!
This makes me mad!
Oh and dont purge. Just store your things away. Oh if I only had the wonderful things I have thrown away.....

[Alice B]

At minimum I feel you should tell, scold, your mom for going thru your room. There is no excuse for such behavour. The elephant that has been placed on your back is not going to get any smaller and may gain weight. Tell her the truth, away from your brother and make it clear to her that this is not something to be spoken of again, to anyone.

[Lorileah]

Let me help. Mom-Dad, even though I am your child I do have my own life. I live on my own now and I do take care of myself, I don't do drugs, I don't drive while drunk. I pay my bills on time, I do almost everything that you taught me was right I am a good person, an honest person. I handle my debt load. I go to school get good grades. I have a job. I also expect to b treated as an adult and while I am forever grateful for your guidance, I have to live as me. It is not a dangerous hobby. , I am careful I am not a pervert not a felon, It gives me ME time where I can relax and recharge. I am not gay and I am not becoming a full time woman. While I respect your opinion I will follow my heart and if it leads somewhere I don't expect it I will allow you to say I told you so: I have to live my life as I want, I know you have my back on this and that helps. One more thing before we have dinner, if you choose to snoop be prepared for what you may find. Your call but you will not confront me on it...My house and all. Now lets have a drink

[Rhonda Ann]

I have to agree with most of the others, I would lie. I would first talk to your mom in a calm and civil manner and let her know what she had done was wrong and would appreciate it if she would respect your privacy. For an explanation I would tell her you had a girlfriend and that you have remained friends and you were allowing her to leave some things there until she could find a place big enough to store her own things. That's not worded very well, but when/if you talk to your mom it will come out right. Just an idea

[Rachel87]

Wow, thank you very much for all your replies! I wasn't expecting so much response.

I totally agree with all of you. I am entitled to my own privacy. I had a lot of trouble with parents for this in the past. On their last visit, my mom decided it was a good idea if she cleaned my bedroom for me. I told her not to, and she felt hurt and all that, in her mind I think it was as if she was offering a good gift to me and I was refusing it, which should be very rude. Anyway, one day I was at work, she decided I would be very happy if she cleaned it, even after telling her not to. I wasn't quite expecting that, I had a much smaller stash back then, which luckily went unnoticed. I was very upset and all that, it got very nasty, she said she would go back home saying i wasn't happy to see them. I never got to convince her she was wrong, whenever I touch the subject she will be very hurt. Nonetheless, she at least promised she wouldn't touch my stuff again. But she entirely failed to keep this promise, I should have been more careful... At the same time I didn't have anywhere else to hide it. To make matters worse, they are coming a long way to see me, long as in 6000 miles away (it is a long story about how both me and my brother ended up at the same distant place). While I appreciate they coming this far, it only makes it easier to hurt them consider they had a significant effort to come this far. Also they are my parents and I don't want to hurt them... I also believe that the search for a pillow was honest, she just don't understand why I need privacy, whenever i tell her that there are things I don't want them to know, she just say "what could that possibly be?", "well, the fact that I crossdress for example" is what i think =P. So I want the least hurtful way out of this mess.

Lying is not a good way out at this point, a fake gf would only raise further questions to which i would have to lie again. Yes, they would want to know everything there is about this gf... And I'm a terrible liar... And my mom is just the kind of person that loves to scrutinize everything.

I think my approach will be not to say anything, just ignore the elephant in the room, and hope the 3 weeks will go by as fast as possible. Which is usually the only thing that remotely works with my parents. I don't feel like talking to them about it at all.

-Rachel

I'm 25, and I have a job that pay all my bills, I'm completely independent. I can even afford to live by myself, which I was already planning on doing so for some time, it looks like it is a good time to make that plan happen.

@Lorileah, thanks for the speech =), that really sums up what I should tell them. I just don't feel comfortable doing that now, maybe in a few days...

[becky77]

You do not need to offer any explanation to your parents. It was rude for them to look through your closets. You would probably truly know if your mother is a snoop or not. There is a high degree of possibility your mother still views you as a child. Some never get over the fact their offspring are entitled to privacy. Some will continually interfere. I would just tell them it is none of their business-period. Frankly, if your mother pushes the issue, I would ask her to leave.

Since you and your brother live together, you may have to level with him. Ask him to respect your privacy. If he cannot do that, then you'll have to consider whether your relationship is worth keeping. Once the Genie is out of the bag, she will not go back in.

Basically you're an adult and will need to make adult decisions.

So true you could have been writing about my own mother. Made life growing up very difficult I couldn't own anything, she would hunt it out, snoop through everything out of pure noseyness. To think she would do that in my own home!

Rachel I feel so fed up for you, that intrusion is beyond rude. You need to stand up and face her down with which of these is the greater misdemeanor, you have gone into mother-child mode but you are in your own home and you are an adult. Do not stand for it, take the initiative start of by berating them for their outrageous abuse of your hospitality. Then maybe just tell them they have no right to question you on something that you have kept secret in your own home, and unless they realise they are bang out of order and wish to treat you with a little respect you will tell them nothing. They will fear the unknown more than the truth.
It's a horrible situation because you have chosen to keep this secret and someone who you should be able to trust has betrayed you basically, I find that very hurtful. Be strong remember you have done nothing wrong here.
If they don't like the answers then they shouldn't have gone spying.

Please don't let them make you feel bad enough you start purging and self hating, that will just hurt you even more in the long run.

I wish you all the best.

Becky


Wow, thank you very much for all your replies! I wasn't expecting so much response.

I totally agree with all of you. I am entitled to my own privacy. I had a lot of trouble with parents for this in the past. On their last visit, my mom decided it was a good idea if she cleaned my bedroom for me. I told her not to, and she felt hurt and all that, in her mind I think it was as if she was offering a good gift to me and I was refusing it, which should be very rude. Anyway, one day I was at work, she decided I would be very happy if she cleaned it, even after telling her not to. I wasn't quite expecting that, I had a much smaller stash back then, which luckily went unnoticed. I was very upset and all that, it got very nasty, she said she would go back home saying i wasn't happy to see them. I never got to convince her she was wrong, whenever I touch the subject she will be very hurt. Nonetheless, she at least promised she wouldn't touch my stuff again. But she entirely failed to keep this promise, I should have been more careful... At the same time I didn't have anywhere else to hide it. To make matters worse, they are coming a long way to see me, long as in 6000 miles away (it is a long story about how both me and my brother ended up at the same distant place). While I appreciate they coming this far, it only makes it easier to hurt them consider they had a significant effort to come this far. Also they are my parents and I don't want to hurt them... I also believe that the search for a pillow was honest, she just don't understand why I need privacy, whenever i tell her that there are things I don't want them to know, she just say "what could that possibly be?", "well, the fact that I crossdress for example" is what i think =P. So I want the least hurtful way out of this mess.

Lying is not a good way out at this point, a fake gf would only raise further questions to which i would have to lie again. Yes, they would want to know everything there is about this gf... And I'm a terrible liar... And my mom is just the kind of person that loves to scrutinize everything.

I think my approach will be not to say anything, just ignore the elephant in the room, and hope the 3 weeks will go by as fast as possible. Which is usually the only thing that remotely works with my parents. I don't feel like talking to them about it at all.

-Rachel

Sorry Rachel just need to address this quickly.
Stop taking the blame!! I have had a lifetime of this from a very very similar mom, it's basically emotional blackmail and you have become so used to it that you can't see the woods for the trees anymore.
I don't doubt your mom loves you but she is controlling you, she most likely can't let go of her children. Until she sees you as an adult you will forever be apologising everytime you 'hurt' her because you didn't do what she wanted.
It's fantastic they came 6000 miles to see you and i'm sure you had your reasons for moving that far. But that isn't a reason to lie down and be trodden on. There is no point lying, they already know it's all about how to deal with it now.

All the best

Becky

[Rachel87]

Thanks Becky for both replies!

I never had problem standing up to myself. They were against so many decisions I took along my life, but I stood for what I wanted and I regret nothing. But you get tired of that on every hard decision, they only make them harder. So I chose not to get my parents too involved with my life. It has been working ok with these occasional incidents. But before it was about easier issues such as career, studies and relationships. But dressing is something I don't feel comfortable to bring to my parents. Well, we will see, I will give a few days, that usually helps clearing my mind...

[AllisontheGoddess]

I also agree, it was in your own home and you're completely independent --so I don't see how they have the right to question your living style , especially under your own roof =/. I think you did the right thing by not saying anything and meditating instead of giving an un-thoughtout response.

[Julie Gaum]

Rachel: You will keep procrastinating and find excuses for why you are lieing until their visit is ended. It isn't because you are not sincere in that you don't want to hurt them but you have years of emotional baggage that you're not able to shed. In age and in your ability to financially survive you have arrived at adulthood but until you can sever the mother-son knot this difficult situation will continue on their next visit and all the communication in between. Sooner or later you must face the inevitable. Perhaps on the last day of their visit summon all your courage to use Lorileah's words as a guide. This may be the hardest decision but you have no other options to set you free for until that time you remain their child.
Julie

[Cheryl T]

Come clean and also tell them that this is your home and you can do what you please in it. If it's not something that they can accept or are at least willing to listen to you about then perhaps it's best they leave. It's not acceptable for them to interrogate you about what you do in your home.

[Sandra bailey]

Rachel I think your right to say nothing, you should not have to explain your life to anybody don't be badgered into a discussion then you won't have to lie. You could say that when you start a long term serious relationship with a girl you will let them know this will make it seem like their has been a short term girlfriend but you won't be actually lying and saying their has been a girlfriend. Then you must decide in your own mind that the matter is delt with and closed then you can enjoy the rest of your parents stay.

[BRANDYJ]

I feel for you Rachel. And I agree with much of what's been said. I also agree that lies are never good. But maybe sometimes they are a good way out of what would be an embarrassing situation. My opinion is, if you can find some alone time with just your mom, you can first tell her how upset you are that she was looking in places that are off limits to anyone, including her. Everyone, including your mother has a right to their own space and privacy. How would she feel if you snooped in her purse or her own bedroom closet or drawers? She would feel violated just like you...Ever if she has nothing to hide. Next let me remind you that she is your mother. Most mothers can and will love their children regardless of any shocking lifestyle choices they make. So perhaps you can muster up the courage to explain it all to her. Maybe while doing so, hand her a good article off the Internet that explains crossdressing in a way she may accept and understand. Especially articles designed to help parents accept and understand this from their children.
If you simply can't do it for whatever fear or reason you have. I have a logical good answer to whom the clothes belong to. Yes, it's a lie, but I think it's best in this case if you can't tell your mom. She will always wonder if she does not have a good reason why she found all those clothes in your closet. I'd lie about them belonging to a female friend that just moved out of her apartment and needed a place to store her excess clothes since her new place is smaller with less closet or storage space. You can even say that you helped her move and when it came to putting the box or boxes of clothes into her apartment, there simply was not enough room, so she asked if you could store it for a while. Ok, again it's a lie, but it's believable, logical and understandable. I think it's better than leaving her, or the rest of your family thinking the worst. That should make it a non issue.

[Kate Simmons]

They should respect your privacy if you are old enough to be out on your own. Talk about being possessive. You need to tell them where the bear shit in the buckwheat and to back off. If they cannot respect that then so be it.Nothing I hate more than nosy people, especially relatives. You need to be assertive with this or it's really not your life Hon. That is my take on things since you asked.:)

[kristinacd55]

[QUOTE=Rachel87;3055990]I'm 25, and I have a job that pay all my bills, I'm completely independent. I can even afford to live by myself, which I was already planning on doing so for some time, it looks like it is a good time to make that plan happen.

First of all Rachel, yes they should be respecting your privacy so putting on your big girl panties and moving out sounds like a good idea if you can afford to. Second, if you feel you're ready to, tell them you're a tg....even one of them by themselves if you feel you'll have a more sympathetic ear. I know it's hard, but after you do it ultimately you'll feel a lot better about the whole situation and the acceptance of who you really are. Take it from a pro.....keeping all this hidden will screw up your life later on and you're still young. Don't be afraid to be Rachel! :)

[Angela Campbell]

I would not lie to them, nor would I have offered an explanation to them. I would have told them that while under my roof They will respect me and my home and act like visitors. If pressed about something they found while snooping I would sternly tell them it is none of their business. Then I would pick up my mothers purse and start going through it just to show her how it feels.

[jillleanne]

Three weeks??????? Are you kidding me????? I'd be getting them a hotel!!!!!! Get out of my space people!!!!!!! Asfor how to reply, just do whatever your head and heart tell you. We all do things differently and only you can decide when and where you will accept who you are and let the world in on it. One thing for sure, sooner or later, most of us will be outed one way or the other; no surprise here.

[linda allen]

Regardless of what your parents do or say to you and regardless of what you say to them, they and your brother will always be family and will always love you, unlike a wife or girlfriend who might leave a crossdresser.

It might be difficult for a while but it's not like starting over after several years of marriage as some folks here have had to do.

[Sally24]

Knowing you have this kind of family I would invest in some locking luggage or get a chest/footlocker and put a padlock on it. If your Mom can't help herself then you have to prevent her from doing it. If you get your own apartment then I would also have a locking closet for your things.

[alwayshave]

Three weeks??????? Are you kidding me????? I'd be getting them a hotel!!!!!! Get out of my space people!!!!!!!

I agree. To paraphrase Ben Franklin: House guests are like fish, after three days they stink.

[bobbimo]

Let me help. Mom-Dad, even though I am your child I do have my own life. I live on my own now and I do take care of myself, I don't do drugs, I don't drive while drunk. I pay my bills on time, I do almost everything that you taught me was right I am a good person, an honest person. I handle my debt load. I go to school get good grades. I have a job. I also expect to b treated as an adult and while I am forever grateful for your guidance, I have to live as me. It is not a dangerous hobby. , I am careful I am not a pervert not a felon, It gives me ME time where I can relax and recharge. I am not gay and I am not becoming a full time woman. While I respect your opinion I will follow my heart and if it leads somewhere I don't expect it I will allow you to say I told you so: I have to live my life as I want, I know you have my back on this and that helps. One more thing before we have dinner, if you choose to snoop be prepared for what you may find. Your call but you will not confront me on it...My house and all. Now lets have a drink

Brilliant Lori! Thats the best advice I've heard about this issue ever.
Merry Christmas
Bobbi

[Jenniferathome]

Well,the cats out of the bag. I recommend you come clean. The whole truth. It will be weird but it will be behind you. I think you should tell your brother first,alone. It will do two things for you: 1) give you practice with someone less judgmental than your parents and 2) experience the reaction from him which I will bet is far more low key than you expect.

You will be embarrassed but then it's done. With him on your side, you come out to the parents. Be ready for the "are you gay" and "do you want to be a woman" questions. Have material ready for them, like this site or better yet, TriEss or other independent organizations.

Lying is not an option. No story will,make sense now. Odd as this will be, it will be liberating. Good luck.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I'll be the voice of dissension here. If them knowing about you will cause you really burn bridges with them, I would not tell them; tell them they belong to a girl you had living there or something. Odds are given your age, and the fact we are in the worst economy since the Great Depression, you will have to ask them for help in some form sometime in the future. It is very common for people your age to move back home or have to ask their parents for money. It is a good idea to have someone to turn to, don't burn any bridges unless you absolutely can't avoid it.

[Jenniferathome]

I am entitled to my own privacy.
Rachel, this comment is true,but it is not about privacy anymore. "It's out there" now and that elephant cannot be ignored. Your brother will have questions. You OWE them no explanation but ignoring this will just make everyone uncomfortable every time you are together.

Lorileah has the right approach. Admonish the snooping, but you are outgoing to hide in your own home. Once you can talk about it, everyone will be more relaxed, love it or hate it.

[Kerigirl2009]

Thats a tough situation to be in for sure. What I would do is just OWN it and admit that yes they are mine, because I am not ashamed of who I am, ANYMORE. But if you dont want to admit to it, say it came with the apartment, or you had a girl leave her laundry and she asked you to hold it, but neither of those sound right so I wish you the best and I hope your mom does not throw them out on you

[ClosetED]

I think you still have the option of saying nothing and letting them come up with their own ideas. If they can't imagine you crossdress, their imagination will come up with a past GF or even a female friend you are holding stuff for. If they can imagine you crossdress, then let them suggest it and then come clean. You can say things like "I have a private life that I don't feel like sharing. I share this place with my brother and you can ask him that nothing strange has been going on while he is here."

[kimdl93]

Well, your silence and hiding in your room pretty well confirmed whatever your mom's concerns are. I think you have no choice but to speak privately with your mother and tell her that you are a cross dresser. Telll her that you love her and your dad, and hope they can accept this about you. You need not say anything more. If she asks about your sexual preference, take a moment to explain that Cding and sexuality are separate issues. I don't know your preference, and its your choice to decide if you want to share that with her.

I think Lorileah covered the topic pretty well. You're an adult and self supporting. Despite their opinions and homophobia, they are just going to have to come to grips with reality too.

[Danielle_cder]

Well,the cats out of the bag. I recommend you come clean. The whole truth. It will be weird but it will be behind you. I think you should tell your brother first,alone. It will do two things for you: 1) give you practice with someone less judgmental than your parents and 2) experience the reaction from him which I will bet is far more low key than you expect.

You will be embarrassed but then it's done. With him on your side, you come out to the parents. Be ready for the "are you gay" and "do you want to be a woman" questions. Have material ready for them, like this site or better yet, TriEss or other independent organizations.

Lying is not an option. No story will,make sense now. Odd as this will be, it will be liberating. Good luck.

Jenn nailed it. Trying to beat around and say it is this or that will be even harder. Being honest is defiantly the ticket you will feel better about it.

Oh and thnx Lorileah!

This is a gr8 community

[Joann Smith]

Rachle pull up on yourself a bit....Take it from a parent of a kid thats about your age....No matter how bad a kid pisses us off we cannot unborn one 25 years after the fact ..Too bad abortion is not retroactive and belive you me sometimes kids take you there.. sorry got 3 in that age range...and if the worst thing i found out bout on was that one of my boys was that he was a CD i would be tickled to death!! OK i know ...in my case this is not the same thing ... But still there is a billion things that would been far worse to find to in a kids closet...

So what you like to CD and the family is gonna look at ya funny now... And they are... so you might as well roll with it let them be pissed or what ever and they will... but eventually life will resume... So the most imporant thing for you to do right now is to talk to them about and DO NOT! let them think you are some kind of crazy kid whos is gonna end up on world news tonight in a wedding dress and a assult rifle..And thats the kinda stuff that goes through our heads when kids hide s..t from us !! Most the time parents can deal with a kids that don't turn out quite like we have it planned...few do.... We just blame it on each others side of the family and deal with it ...


BTW is this a older or younger brother? ....and who can whip who? ...

Joann

[gabimartini]

Rachel, if coming out is not an option, and you don't want to go along with the mysterious GF lie, then pray the Mayans were right about the world ending today... ;)

But seriously now. I think honesty is best, because then you don't have to remember what you said to whom. But if you absolutely must keep your secret, then come up with anything. It won't matter, as it'll be a lie anyway and your mother just seems to want an explanation, ANY explanation. So give her what she wants, say it was a previous tenant that never came to pick them up, an ex-GF that left in the middle of the night, etc, etc, etc.

Good luck!

[Ressie]

Usually it's possible to answer a question with a question and turn things around, taking the pressure off of you and putting it on the one interrogating. "I'm on my own now, do you think it's any of your business?" "Did you dress me in girls clothes when I was a baby?" "Are you trying to embarrass me in front of my brother?"

Pick one or come up with your own.

[Beverley Sims]

You could ride it out three weeks and say nothing, let your parents believe what they want to believe.
Tell your brother after they have gone.
Let them believe you have a secret girlfriend if it goes that way.
The hardest is tell the truth.
That does not have to happen.
I explain it like this because I never let my parents know.
I just let their imaginations run wild.
They drew conclusions and was happy with what they thought :).

[Lorileah]

I'm 25, and I have a job that pay all my bills, I'm completely independent. I can even afford to live by myself, which I was already planning on doing so for some time, it looks like it is a good time to make that plan happen.

Wow you can afford to have your own place in the Bay area?!? Mom-Dad your kid is doing well. Kwicthersnoopinandleaveheralone!

Three weeks??????? Are you kidding me????? I'd be getting them a hotel!!!!!! Get out of my space people!!!!!!! After three days fish and guests.... I agree

[Dawn cd]

Looking through someone's bureau and closets and like looking through a diary or personal journal that you came across. First of all, you have no right to open it. Second, if you do open it "by mistake," you have no right to mention its contents to its owner or anyone else.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

I agree. There will never be a better time. The elephant is already in the room, as you said. Rachel, the desires won't go away as you get older. You mentioned you were about to purge your stash. Well, until this past weekend, I never had a stash. That's because I repressed the desire for so many years. When I was 23 and in the Army, I had a girlfriend that was quite tall, and for the first time had access to clothing that fit. For a few weeks I was in heaven and she even encouraged me. When we split up, I lost access to the clothing and in the homophobic armed forces there was no way I was going to acquire my own stuff. Paratroopers aren't supposed to wear stilettos and sheer stockings, after all.

A few years later, in the mid-late 90's, I had a fiancee that was a hairdresser. I figured she would be tolerant as she associated with many people that were androgynous or even flamboyant. It turns out I was wrong; she let me try it once but said it was a turn off. That was in the days before the internet. I'm 45 now and since that time have repressed the desire and never purchased an item of clothing. Then I met my wife and figured there was no way she would accept that side of me, and besides, she's a petite 5'7", 130 lbs and I am 5'11" 220 lbs. Her shoe size is women's 8.5 while I am men's 10, so the idea of ever borrowing her clothes or shoes was out of the question.

So, for 15 years or so I dreamed about dressing but never did anything about it. Obviously the internet was a boon for closeted TV's like me, which was my only release. I felt very alone, and though I had seen this forum I didn't join because I felt like a coward for never doing anything about my desires.

All that has changed just in the last week. I know my situation is different than yours...wife vs. brother and parents, but I can tell you that once somebody you care about finally knows who you really are and what you enjoy, it feels like freedom. No more hiding. As another poster mentioned, as soon as she knew, I forwarded some web links to her that clearly explained that most TV's do not progress to TG or are gay, etc. Those articles helped her understand.

They suspect something already--you know that. Think about what a relief it would be, and how down the road if you take it further or find an SO how much easier it would be to have people around you for support. Clearly I don't know your family but I don't think you will ever get another opportunity as blatant as this to come out.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

[Debra Russell]

Maybe you mother always wanted a daughted - well it could happen ! Just show them Rachel , wa'laaa all her dreams come true....:eek: :D :battingeyelashes: ......................Debra

[erika_kerrie]

Hi Rachel, so sorry to hear about your incident. I don't have any advice really, but I just wanted to say my mother is the exact same way. I know for a fact that she found my "stuff" one day, she's not the greatest at respecting other privacy, she always use the excuse of "cleaning up." We have never spoken about it, but I told myself if it ever came up, I would just deal with it and tell her that this is what happens when you snoop, and throw it back on her.

Anyway good luck with everything.

Cheers,

Erika

[Nichola]

That's awful. I feel for you, just ask them to drop it & see how it works from there....good luck:)

[Tamara Croft]

Moreover, my family is in general very homophobic...What's that got to do with CD'ing? that's like saying all CD's are gay, which we know isn't true. If you're not gay, not a problem, your a CD, it's not the same thing, not in the same league etc...

You've told your mum not to go snooping, she keeps doing it, where are you going to draw the line? Yes you might upset her, but this is your home that you pay for, it's none of her business what items you have in your own home. If she asks you again, tell her it's absolutely none of her business, if she doesn't like your answer, that isn't your problem, she might not like it, she has to respect it. Would she like it if you went to her home and went through all of her private things? I'm pretty sure she wouldn't like it.

Your brother however is a different issue, it's a different bond, depends how close you are and if you think you'd lose him over it, but all the same, the clothes are in your room, your private room and it's actually none of his business either, you owe no one an explaination, you're a grown man/woman :)

[AllieSF]

Gee Rachel, everyone has given you some great advice. Now, you just need to decide which if any you will heed. You seem like you have a great head on your shoulders, so I am sure that over the long run you will get through all this. I can see that your family means a lot to you and I like that.

On another note, when you are ready to walk out the door for a day or evening out dressed, let me know! San Francisco is a great place to explore and enjoy, even during these cold rainy months. Good luck.

[mikiSJ]

When I was your age, after two years in 'Nam and no longer living in my parents house, my mother felt it necessary to be involved in every aspect of my life. She would visit at very inconvenient times. When I anwered the phone in my apartement (pre-cell days) she would pick up the extension. She would open my mail.

I told her I didn't want her intrusion, and when she wouldn't give it up, I "divorced" her. While we continued to see each other on holidays, she was never allowed to visit me, let alone go through my stuff.

It sounds like you aren't there yet, but absent un-pickable locks on your bedroom door, you need to do something! You are an adult and your mother's ability to be in your life ended when you moved out.

[Gillian Gigs]

Sounds like the excuse is to either look for a pillow, or clean your room. I would call it like it is, someone is being nosy and intrusive. If you are 25 like you said, then you have a life of your own and you need to keep the relatives at "arms length". Next time they come to town, tell them about this hotel just up the road from you, she should have an easier time finding the pillows!

[abbyleigh001]

Hi Rachel,
At the appropriate time there needs to be conversation between you and "MOM"... First and foremost your privacy must be sacrosanct and that point must be firmly established... Secondly thank "MOM" for her role in your life... Certainly providing you with a core of good life values... Tell her that you love her and thank her for being "MOM". However your life is yours and should you wish to include her into your chosen gender lifestyle... Please feel comfortable... However... Caveat... Be honest... Time permitting MOM will accept her daughter...

[gennee]

Yes, you are entitled to your privacy.
I would tell the truth about your dressing. It may be uncomfortable but it puts the ball in their court.


:straightface:

[MssHyde]

I know it won't help, but you would be a cute girl!

[Carmen]

I would not lie to them, nor would I have offered an explanation to them. I would have told them that while under my roof They will respect me and my home and act like visitors. If pressed about something they found while snooping I would sternly tell them it is none of their business. Then I would pick up my mothers purse and start going through it just to show her how it feels.

Right on!
Another step would be to INSTALL A LOCK ON YOUR DOOR!
I don't keep any of my things in the house, but I have a lot of valuables and collectable items that I don't want people to mess with. And in the past we have had money dissapear.
I have a younger brother who would stop in for a 'visit'. He knew that we have a guestroom and would just open the door and jump in bed. I installed a lock and instructed my wife to not unlock that room if he was to show up again. Well one day he did show up and after checking the fridge went for the room, tried the door and asked why it was locked and if she would open it. She replied with a simple "No, that room is for out of town guests only". Then he tried the door to my private media studio, same result. Next was the spare 'junk' room, no access. He got the message. And we have no sofa to nap on.

Excuse my rant.
Yeah family is family but they must respect your privacy as an adult...period.
There are a lot worse things you could be doing than crossdressing.
BTW how small are those extra pilows to be so well hidden?

[ReineD]

I would have told them that while under my roof They will respect me and my home

Very true. It is ironic that an adult child must now tell a parent the things that my parents told me before I left home and went out on my own: "As long as you're under MY roof, you will not ..... (stay out all night, come home drunk, etc)." :p


To Rachel, the awkwardness might be alleviated if you simply tell your parents that you are not prepared to give them an explanation and that the items they found relate to a private part of your life that will remain private for reasons that are, well, private. Discussion closed. Then just enjoy your time with them. Let them come to whatever conclusions they like. If they insist on an explanation or if they keep bringing it up, you could tell them they are causing tension in your relationship by not respecting your privacy and if it continues you will limit your time with them.

[Michelle M]

Rachel, what about using Dad on this one? "Dad, I'm a single guy...sometimes girls stay over...I keep extra toothbrushes, some other girl stuff around for tomorrow morning." Get Mom off my back about it before we have a fight. I don't want to discuss my sex life with her.

No lies here, maybe it will save your family vacation.

[Heather Daniels]

By locking yourself in your room you've done more damage to an already difficult situation. Because of this, it's going to be even harder to give a plausable excuse for why you have feminine clothes hidden. Without knowing how large your "stash" is, or where you had it hidden, it's even harder to judge just how out of line your mother was in her snooping. Yes I said snooping, because thats exactly what she was doing. Did she bother to search your brothers room looking for this pillow also?

Look, you're in a rough spot now and I think you either need to come clean or tell her they belong to a female friend, although locking yourself in your room has made this excuse harder to believe. I think you do need to have a heart to heart talk with your brother A.S.A.P. He's your brother and will most likely stick by your side during this trying time. Get him on your side with the female friend part. If you're not comfortable revealing this side of yourself to your parents, then DON'T. Don't let anyone on this site sway you to. This" truth shall set you free" crap that gets spewed around here so often, is not the right advice in every situation. You are however, going to have to tell your brother your deepest secret now. Ain't gonna be easy, but you have to muster the courage up to do it.
You're a successful adult, making your way in this world on your own. It's time to cut mothers apron strings from you. Don't let her intimidate you and if I were you, I'd have a talk with her about personal privacy. She is afterall, a guest in YOUR house.

[LaraPeterson]

Rachel, one word of advice from me, IGNORE. Ignore all the advice on here to come clean, ignore your mother's indiscretion; ignore your feelings of guilt. Instead, stand your ground; they are in YOUR home, invading YOUR privacy, asking questions that would not have been necessary had they any respect for you at all.

Not because of CDing, but in another situation my parents and some friends stuck their collective noses where they didn't belong; I told them off, sent them off and after a while, when they realized they were wrong, they came a calling--tails tucked. You've been wronged and you owe no one an explanation.

[Chickhe]

Oh damn! They really hate halloween and they found your old costume!! Urugh.

Lie to your parents if its just CDing. Don't attempt to explain anything, they won't get it. Get over any emotional feelings and just calmly say that you are sorry for being so angry because you were shocked that they were digging through everything and disturbed all of your things. Then forget about it and pretend it didn't happen.

If they ask about it again, just say 'what part of you going through my stuff was wrongdidn't you get? then explain no more. No matter what they say, if they make some comment, like...oh we thought you were gay... just make a joke of it and say 'Do you want me to be, Okay then I'll be that!'...then walk around with limp wrists for the rest of the evening... make it obvious you are putting on an act (assuming you arn't gay). Make it in to a joke on them. When the've had enough, just enjoy their company.

I could expect the same from my parents. Even after decades they still act like I'm a kid...they don't get that I have my own life. My parents had a vacation home 1 hour away and expected me and my family to visit them daily! Can you imagine? They got bent out of shape when we said no. ...to this day they are still upset...10 years later! Not much you can do sometimes! I just hope I'm more reasonable when I get that old.

[Launa]

There are a lot of good answers here. I think if the questions keep coming from your mom then you will have to choose one of the different ways on how you are going to handle things.
You could deny how they got there, tell the truth, make up different lies or do what I do sometimes when I'm in awkward situations like this is I say nothing at all and remain silent. Make them keep asking questions and with a lot of people all staring at me then I yell real loud, "CALL THE COPS AND FIGURE IT OUT!" and then I keep a real pissed off look on my face and let them know not to challenge me anymore. If they remain persistent then I tell them to keep it up and were not going to be friends

Whatever you do never look away when they are talking to you. Give them a stare like you mean business. I'm not saying be mean to your mom but don't let anybody run you over either because given the chance they will do it if they have righteous, homophobic views..

[Caroline C]

My mother is a professional snoop. She knows about my hobby but it's a don't ask don't tell situation. Once year after a visit I could see my room was raided. She casually mentioned something about my exes things still being in there, and some of them were hers. I just kind of gave an excuse about being lazy and blew it off. Next year she came I had a keyed lock installed on my bedroom door. Never had to use it but it was incentive enough to tell the message keep out.

[CindyT]

It happened to me when I was your age too. I told Mom they belonged to a GF who I choose not to disclose to them for "Personal" reasons. They just assumed she was a local girl with a bad reputation. I also had a GF at the time who did not know, I told them to keep quiet about it and they did. Next visit, there was a lock on my closet door and still is to this day!

[Claire Cook]

Rachel, I wish I had an answer for you, but we all have different situations. Part of me wants to agree with Lorileah and Reine, who are always sources of good advice. On the other hand, this may cause a breach with your family. My mom knew I would get into her clothes, and probably knew about my fake boobs and stash -- but she could never bring herself to talk about it, and I couldn't either. Maybe it would have better if she knew that she did have the daughter she always wanted, but I don't know. Sooner or later I guess your family will know, I guess the question is when. But 3 WEEKS together? Seems like the subject is likely to come up again.

Take up Allie on her offer -- I was in SFO several weeks ago, and felt right at home as Claire.

[Rachel87]

Wow, there are a lot of responses again. First some update about the situation:

In the next morning I was feeling a little bit less embarrassing so I carried on as any other day. But things were not any better, as many of you anticipated, they were only more curious for an answer. I was on my laptop checking work emails, my father came to me and started asking questions again, and then he plain out asked "Are those yours?", I gave a very infuriating reaction in a how-can-you-possibly-think-of-such-absurdity tone. He seemed satisfied with the answer. They seem to think now it belongs to an ex gf. I didn't confirm it, because any reasoning would point out that it couldn't possibly be true. How would that be remotely possible that I kept 10+ pairs of shoes from my ex... Yeah, I'm kinda crazy about shoes =P. So if I confirm it, it would to more questions, and propping such an obviously false lie, would be too hard. So I figured it is better I don't say anything about it and let them think that is the case. I don't really know if they have a good sense of the size of my stash, I'm betting they don't. Somehow I feel more comfortable if they are only suspicious about it than actually certain about it. I'm not ready to share or have to explain it to them, so I prefer to leave it at that. Also, I don't owe than an explanation for this, so I just won't give them.

After that, the clothes were not mentioned again but I can't avoid feeling awkward all the time when I'm with them. Their mood is apparently good so far. I'm still very pissed that they don't as much bothered apologizing for anything. My mom says she wouldn't mind if I did the same in her house, because she has nothing to hide... And I actually feel extremely awkward around my brother. I'm older than him, and I know I was an inspiration for him, he followed the same carrier path as I did. I was very successful in my carrier choice, which made him very interested. So I taught him a lot of stuff. We have a lot of ideas and beliefs in common. So we did respect each other's privacy very much. Oddly enough, we never got to talk about intimate stuff, I think he figured it was a bad idea to share any personal stuff with my parents, so he just keep it to himself. Anyway, I don't feel we have that intimacy to talk about this nor I feel comfortable with the idea. At the same time I'm afraid he might be disappointed (he is somewhat homophobic, although the least among my family), along the lines "Shit, my big brother is a sissy...". And it will get ultimately awkward until I find another place to live... He didn't touch the subject so far. So my decision for now is just to shut the hell up about it to everybody. I will ignore the elephant, which is more like a pile of s**t that only smells worse if touched.

I believe I addressed most questions and comments with the above paragraph, but there are some that are still left:

- Some people talked about sexuality. I like to think that I am 90% straight. I don't want to become a woman, nor have serious relationship with guys. Also I don't claim that CDs are necessarily gay, but homophobic people will easily put everything in a single bag. I'm not worried that they will think I'm gay (which I'm only 10% =P), but they will certainly think so and will discriminate me anyway. For example, my hometown is particularly homophobic, for example, I suffered discrimination for having an androgynous guy as friend... Gays were a very common topic for jokes... Also, I don't want to tell people that it is ok for me to be a CD because I'm not gay, although it works for me, it just the wrong idea.

- 3 weeks of visiting. I know, it sucks. But I'm willing to open this exception for my parents only. I can understand them, they had 3 children under their roof just a few years ago, now they have none, my father retired and nothing else in their lives outside family and work. So I figured it would be cruel to ask them to stay home alone for the holiday recess. They didn't ask me if it was ok were anyway, they only informed me of their flights schedule..

- Locks, certainly, I should have done that before. My life would be the same as ever at this point, oh well...


DO NOT! let them think you are some kind of crazy kid whos is gonna end up on world news tonight in a wedding dress and a assult rifle..

Joann, that thought never occurred to me before. I don't want to have to explain this to them, so I'm taking my chances here... Luckily this sort of thing is unheard of in my country.


But seriously now. I think honesty is best, because then you don't have to remember what you said to whom. But if you absolutely must keep your secret, then come up with anything. It won't matter, as it'll be a lie anyway and your mother just seems to want an explanation, ANY explanation. So give her what she wants, say it was a previous tenant that never came to pick them up, an ex-GF that left in the middle of the night, etc, etc, etc.

Thanks for the ideas, but I'm sticking to not saying anything plan... Btw, I like that you are using Monica's pic as your avatar =).


Looking through someone's bureau and closets and like looking through a diary or personal journal that you came across. First of all, you have no right to open it. Second, if you do open it "by mistake," you have no right to mention its contents to its owner or anyone else.

That would be a great thing to tell my mom, because she is a lawyer =P.


Maybe you mother always wanted a daughted - well it could happen ! Just show them Rachel , wa'laaa all her dreams come true....:eek: :D :battingeyelashes: ......................Debra

haha, maybe. They had 3 sons and no daughter after all =P.




On another note, when you are ready to walk out the door for a day or evening out dressed, let me know! San Francisco is a great place to explore and enjoy, even during these cold rainy months. Good luck.

That would be nice Allie, I've been out to SF once. It was very nice. But I didn't have another opportunity. And it is kinda hard to sneak out dolled up because my brother is home so often...


I know it won't help, but you would be a cute girl!

I does help with my self steem =)



Thank you for reading this far, if you've made it without just skipping to the end =P! This was a long post. Also thank you very much for all responses. I read all of them carefully but I couldn't spare the time to answer each individually.

In name of fairness, you only heard my side of the story and I left out a lot of details not to make it too long, so take everything with a grain of salt =). As they say, the devil is in the details =P. But I did my best to represent my understanding of the situation.

-Rachel

[Barbara Ella]

Rachel, so sorry for your situation. You are right to feel indignant, and take an I'm pissed off attitude, so your latest approach with your dad can be acceptable. This is not a question of something to hide, as you have mentioned, it is your house, and they are guests. I doubt it if Mom would like someone attending a gathering at their house going through everything, regardless of what she says.

You have quite a bit of time left, and I don't know how the not answering will hold up. Don't let it get you angry and snippy. After a week or so, you may feel different about talking about it. You do not have to, but in the long run, you may be happier. Lots of good advice. Look them in the eyes at all times. Speak respectfully. At every chance, remind them that they raised you with a good set of values which you have followed in your decision making, and have developed a real good life for yourself. Let them know that you really feel they have done you right in your life so far, and you are doing nothing wrong, or immoral. you don't need to go into detail, but you don't need to tell a lie. you just do not need to give details. It comes down to trust. Do they trust what they have done raising their three children to believe you when you say you are happy and sane etc. If they answer yes, you can apologize for being angry and short, but you were beginning to feel they were doubting you, and you could not respond to that initially, as it conflicted with your view on your relationship with them (outside of being nosey!!). Keep the discussion general, and about trust and about personal privacy. They need to realize that generational personal privacy is a much different thing now than it was when they were younger.

OK, that is my take on some things to consider and use or not. Only you know your parents and your situation. I wish you the best. You don't have to lie, but you don't have to go into details if you don't want to.

Barbara

[sometimes_miss]

Well, if you're dead set on telling them, consider this rather shocking concept, and you'll have to look very serious, maybe even a little scary when you do it. Tell them the clothes belong to all the women you've killed, and you kept them as souvineers. Say that now you have to get rid of them because they might be used as evidence. Then take the clothes, put them in a big bag, and leave. Come back a little later, and now when they find out you're 'just a crossdresser', they just might be happy about it.

[Raychel]

I think it would have been best to tell Dad the truth when he asked,
Sure it would have ben a bit uncomfortable, but the truth is always the best way

Now you will have to let him know sometime, just to clear your mind.
Then he will know that you lied to him before.

Good luck, I hope this all works out well for you. :hugs:

[Babeba]

If you DO move, and they visit you again, I (if i were you) would make sure that there were no extra keys for them, so when you left they would have to spend the day sightseeing somewhere other than your closet!

I also would say, "I feel that you don't need any explanation for things you found out by snooping. I am upset you went through my things, and if not getting to know everything will remind you of that, you don't get to know everything."

With a mother like that, no wonder your brother is super careful about privacy!

[Jenniferathome]

I'm not worried that they will think I'm gay (which I'm only 10% =P), .....-Rachel
10% gay? Does that mean 1 in 10 times with a man you get aroused by a man or 1 in 10 sexual encounters is with a man?

I think you mean you are 100% bi. That is fine, by the way, but now I think you need to come to grips with yourself before you can tell your parents. I don't think, "Mom, Dad, I'm only 10% gay, don't worry," is going to fly.

By the way,take Allie up on her invitation. She's great fun to hang with.

Take care,

[Rachel87]

Well, if you're dead set on telling them, consider this rather shocking concept, and you'll have to look very serious, maybe even a little scary when you do it. Tell them the clothes belong to all the women you've killed, and you kept them as souvineers. Say that now you have to get rid of them because they might be used as evidence. Then take the clothes, put them in a big bag, and leave. Come back a little later, and now when they find out you're 'just a crossdresser', they just might be happy about it.

Lol, that is just too crazy =P. And I already took all my stuff out of home to a safe place.


Rachel, so sorry for your situation. You are right to feel indignant, and take an I'm pissed off attitude, so your latest approach with your dad can be acceptable. This is not a question of something to hide, as you have mentioned, it is your house, and they are guests. I doubt it if Mom would like someone attending a gathering at their house going through everything, regardless of what she says.

You have quite a bit of time left, and I don't know how the not answering will hold up. Don't let it get you angry and snippy. After a week or so, you may feel different about talking about it. You do not have to, but in the long run, you may be happier. Lots of good advice. Look them in the eyes at all times. Speak respectfully. At every chance, remind them that they raised you with a good set of values which you have followed in your decision making, and have developed a real good life for yourself. Let them know that you really feel they have done you right in your life so far, and you are doing nothing wrong, or immoral. you don't need to go into detail, but you don't need to tell a lie. you just do not need to give details. It comes down to trust. Do they trust what they have done raising their three children to believe you when you say you are happy and sane etc. If they answer yes, you can apologize for being angry and short, but you were beginning to feel they were doubting you, and you could not respond to that initially, as it conflicted with your view on your relationship with them (outside of being nosey!!). Keep the discussion general, and about trust and about personal privacy. They need to realize that generational personal privacy is a much different thing now than it was when they were younger.

OK, that is my take on some things to consider and use or not. Only you know your parents and your situation. I wish you the best. You don't have to lie, but you don't have to go into details if you don't want to.

Barbara


I agree my response to my dad wasn't a good one. At least the topic wasn't brought up again so far. Everybody's mood seems back to normal. I will give some time and and maybe reconsider telling them depending on how I feel about it.



10% gay? Does that mean 1 in 10 times with a man you get aroused by a man or 1 in 10 sexual encounters is with a man?

I think you mean you are 100% bi. That is fine, by the way, but now I think you need to come to grips with yourself before you can tell your parents. I don't think, "Mom, Dad, I'm only 10% gay, don't worry," is going to fly.

By the way,take Allie up on her invitation. She's great fun to hang with.

Take care,

I think that there all shades between 100% straight and 100% gay. The 10% for me means "I could make out with a guy if a good opportunity showed up and enjoy it but I enjoy girls more and only seek girls". That is how I understand it, or that is the excuse I found to not have to admit I'm bi or gay =P. If that just means bi for you, then, oh well, I'm just bi =P. Anyway, this is another issue, if the question arises, I will just say I'm straight, which should be good enough for everybody, I like girls enough that I don't think I should bother them with this.

I would love to take Allie's invitation =).

[HannahF6]

As others have said, you should feel OK. They were under your roof and being inquisitive is not defensible, in fact it is thoroughly despicable. Lie to them if that seems to be working, or throw them out and tell them to keep their noses in thirs own stuff. Personally, I'd avoid the lieing because that can get you into trouble farther down the line, but if it works, go for it.

Hannah

[S. Lisa Smith]

I have read all the advise with great interest, because I wanted to see what others thought (and because I didn't/don't have my own advise to give). It seems things have calmed down and the situation is not as bad as you thought. Perhaps review things in a week or two and see how you feel and take action/no action then.