Don't wanna

[Lorileah]

:sigh: The next hurdle I didn't see coming. Just when I thought I had it all figured out, they change the rules.

The last year has been a whirlwind (most of which I have documented here and I would not change a thing...new GOOD friends and a new life). I am at the age where I don't think I need someone attached to my hip. I enjoy being free (and if any of you say "easy" I am gonna :slap:). I have no issues with or about whom I am willing to go out with. The shallow part of me likes the attention and the free dinners and drinks.:heehee:. Yes, years ago at this point I would be looking for a more permanent things but I like who I am now. And it seems others like me as well. I am rarely ever alone for long and no one puts baby in the corner.

OK the point. As I just mentioned, I am willing and happy to date men or women. Women take it as "let's do lunch and make fun of the people who don't have mirrors in their house". Men take it as "I want you to move in and live with me." I am just not ready for that. Not that any of the men who have ventured into this territory would not make fine partners. They are all handsome and independent (I also have had a few who thought maybe I could be their meal ticket...but they weed out easily. Especially when I tell them about the incurable illness I have that is highly contagious. :heehee:).

The guys seem to think they need to cure me. No not make me stop dressing, they usually like that part. But to cure me of my fear of commitment. I just cannot and I will not at this point. It isn't a new thing and I know how irrational it is. But when I get into a commitment, something happens to take that person away from me. I cannot do that again. They can't understand that and they start to press to get me to overcome this phobia. But these walls took years to built and they are solid. So...they make me cry. Yes, twice now. I don't like that at all either. I don't want to cry. Strange thing is that neither of those guys have given up on me. So, the walls may be a challenge?

Other than venting here, I guess I am wondering if this is part of the journey. My path to where ever my TGism will lead. Is being more emotional, a good thing or a bad thing? One of my main missions is to let others drive the bus now. I have been the driver and fixer for 50 plus years. So, is this not being in control the reason for my breakdowns?

Meh:idontknow:. I just didn't expect this as part of the journey. Maybe I should step away an re-evaluate.

[Kate Simmons]

I think you are doing just fine Lori. I'm kind of in the same boat as you when it comes to forging relationships, so I have to be very careful with that. Also, I appreciate others for who they are as a person, so my potential squeeze could be a man or woman as I don't classify myself.

In any case I have been re-ordained (so to speak) by the powers that be to once again become Ericka Richards. My purpose seems to be helping others by being empathetic and compassionate and showing by example. Like yourself I'm content with letting someone else drive as I absolutely have nothing to prove to anyone. Some of us are just geared to do that. Works for me. Enjoy your journey my friend. :hugs::)

[kimdl93]

Lori, you're on the right path and have the right attitude. If someone is pressing you for a commitment, even pestering you enough to make you cry, that is Their problem, not yours. Go your way and when you feel drawn spot someone enough to consider a longer term attachment, make moves in that direction, but under your terms. (Personally, I couldn't live with a man who tried to manipulate our control me...fortunately, my wife is very easy to live with.)

[Rogina B]

You have "made your own way quite well so far" you could tell these guys.And I don't think you are so lonely that you MUST have someone at your side,or else.. So,date on your own terms...imagine yourself as that cute,bubbly girl in high school that everyone wanted to date,but she didn't get so excited when she agreed to a date as the boy who asked her out did.. Stay free!!

[Angela Campbell]

I do not know your situation but I have really come to the point where I shy away from any committed relationship. It seems they always start out good and there are the things that drew me towards the relationship and after a while all those things go away. I don't know if it is me or if this is just the way things work once you get comfortable with each other. Do both just get lazy and stop trying? I will likely never again get into a relationship of living with anyone, I can date, even date exclusively but no further than that. Maybe I have shared my soul enough times that there is just not enough left.

[JustWendy]

Lori, as I read your post, I didn’t get the impression that you cried because these men were trying to control you, or even because they didn’t understand the depth of your feelings. I think you cried because you didn’t know what else to do. While you may be at a point in your life where it feels nice to be taken care of and have someone else drive the bus, you’re also at a time in your life where you’ve experience deep significant loss – more than once. These two emotions are in conflict and you don’t know what to do. At times like that, the only thing you can do is have a good cry and release the emotion. It makes the next breath and the next step a little easier. Even Google Maps doesn’t always know the next best turn to make. Follow your heart and, as a wise cricket once said, let your conscience be your guide.

Wendy

[suchacutie]

Lori, pressuring for a commitment IS one facet of trying to make you into something you are not. It's really no different from wanting you to change your hair style or your clothing or the size of your breastforms :). You are who you are and just as they want you to accept them, they need to accept you in the same manner. Getting you all emotional is also a part of the battle plan for having you change to their preferences. Please remember that you are you, and someone who is looking for the person you are will understand that.

If they want you to change this part of your personality, what will be next?

tina

p.s. just to clear the air, if you find someone and suddenly want to commit, that's perfectly ok because it's you! It's also ok to evolve into a commitment, but at your speed :)

[Leah Lynn]

Being a widower now, I tell everyone that I need to find out who I am, as an individual. 38 years of marriage, I was part of "us". I really don't want a relationship now because I don't want to go through the hassle of explaining who/ what I am, and probable rejection then, or someone wanting to change me or control me. I want to enjoy what life I have left on MY terms with no compromising. Perhaps we're on similar tracks.

[Barbara Ella]

Don't wanna, don't hafta. You get to live it your way, and when you like it, stay the course. The course is not always what we first expected, but as a country song stated (wish I could quote it, and remember the singer, but at my age...........) If you are going through hell, don't stop moving, to paraphrase. I hope it is not hell, but you have no reason to stop girl.

Barbara

[Lorileah]

Thanks everyone. It shows that even though we don't "know" each other physically, we can rely on each other here. The thread was a vent. I usually have a positive thing to say here but this was confusing I guess. I have discovered things I didn't know.


Being a widower now, I tell everyone that I need to find out who I am, as an individual. 38 years of marriage, I was part of "us". I really don't want a relationship now because I don't want to go through the hassle of explaining who/ what I am, and probable rejection then, or someone wanting to change me or control me. I want to enjoy what life I have left on MY terms with no compromising. Perhaps we're on similar tracks.

Very similar. Hard to break cleanly for one thing. Hard to see yourself in that situation again. I was lucky (I have said it over and over) that the two women I had were very accepting and loved "me". Maybe it will happen again...probably not


Don't wanna, don't hafta. You get to live it your way, and when you like it, stay the course. The course is not always what we first expected, but as a country song stated (wish I could quote it, and remember the singer, but at my age...........) If you are going through hell, don't stop moving, to paraphrase. I hope it is not hell, but you have no reason to stop girl.

Barbara

Rodney Atkins. :) Funny that was the song my wife loved when she was going through cancer.

[Joanne f]

Life can throw lots of things in your way and most of them are unexpected so sometimes it can take a little while to know how to cope or deal with them . some you have to deal with straight away while others need a bit of thought or as you say just sit back and see what happens, it is not the ones that you can sit back and let someone else do the driving for a while that you have to worry about, it is the ones that take the driving away form you that you have to be concerned about for you have no control of where they are going and that can really mess your head up (as I well know) so although I must admit that I have know idea of what it is like to have your life style at the moment (lots of friends and dates to have dinners out ) I am sure it will not harm you while you sit back and see were it go's for a while and I expect you will know when to take that driving seat again , just let the past year clear from your head a bit and i am sure that you will find what you are looking for in the end .

[GaleWarning]

There is something intensely liberating about not being in a committed relationship.
At the moment I am in that strange place for the first time .... probably ever!
OK, so things might be difficult if I end up being alone on Christmas Day, but I don't think it is going to happen.
People become friends, not objects of desire or lust or some such thing!

From what you have told us on this forum, Lori, I get the impression that you enjoy your outings precisely because you are free to enjoy other peoples' company. When you start to worry about "things of the flesh", that's when freedom evaporates.

I envy you your financial freedom and steady working conditions, though. Those things I will never again enjoy.
Have fun! Enjoy life (what's left of it). Spread the joy and light of your life around, but don't become smothered by anyone who wants to control you.
You are too mcuh of your own person to become enslaved.

[SandraInHose]

I don't know, Lorileah, reading your post seems to me like YOU have it all figured out...it's the people you meet that seem to have the confusion or issues. Your question of re-evaluating or stepping away...what will you really expect to learn that you haven't already discovered in your TG journey? Nobody's life, whether TG, straight, gay, or otherwise, is ever etched in stone. We all adapt along the way to whatever floats our boat in the present. There are things I do today at age 51 that I never thought I would do, and vice versa there are things that I thought I'd do forever that nowadays are not that interesting nor fun.

Perhaps trying different places for the people you're meeting...a different 'clientele' may make you discover something that you never considered in the past, or it could make you notice that something special was right in front of you all along. Life is never about reality, it's all about perspective.