To transition or not to transition?

[Kerigirl2009]

Ok just a bit of background, I have been married for eighteen years, and I told my wife a bit over three years ago that I was a crossdresser. Well since I have told her I didn't want to become a woman, this made her feel better, but over time I am realiing that I do want to be a woman in my heart of hearts. This of course is a hard subject to talk to my wife about. I have talked about it an I think she is realizing that yes I do want to be a woman, especially after I started taking hormones, Ordered but not doctor ordered, I know stupid but I love the changes that it has created to my body.
I started taking hormones on June 28th, she found out in early July, I stopped for a bit becausee she asked me too, however my internal desire brought me back to taking the pills, by mid August and it has continued ever since, only missing a few doses, She also figured out that I again was taking the pills, and pretty much told me stop or else. Again about a week without my hormones, I told my wife that I really want to have my breasts grow so I can atleast create some cleavage.
I really feel that I should be a woman physically, I mean mentally I know I am and have already been a woman since I came to accept who I am. So I again have been taking hormones, I am taking estrogen, spiro and occassionally progesterone.
My last body measurement I gained 2.5 inches to my breast area, and 1.5 inches on my hips and an inch to my butt, my skin is softer and I definately feel calmer, this I believe is the right path for me.
My issue is if I continue doing what I have been doing, my wife has told me she will leave me (this is not what I want, but I may not be able to help it) I also should really see a doctor and soon.
So I am in for some tough and difficult decisions, but I want to be fair to my wife and give her what she wants (which is a man) I just dont think I am that man she needs anymore. So I am stuck thinking, Shall I stay with what I want and have always wanted to be or squash my dreams and be true to my wife and honor her as her man. I hate this because one of us is going to lose.
I know that I am very happy when I am treated as a woman, and I totally enjoy everything that that entails. I am a good man at times just not very happy with myself because I feel like an imposter and that I dont belong with the men. Only time will tell I guess, but will my mife give it too me.

[Megan Thomas]

A good 18 year old marriage is going to be difficult to walk away from. That said, a lot of people who transition often start out with dressing and no desire to transition. It sounds like that's the road you're now treading. The reality is most likely that whatever you decide, sooner or later the need to transition may overwhelm you anyway. I think you really have to talk this through with your wife and maybe a counsellor, so you can plan the future to some degree. Listen to what she has to say and heed it if you want to keep your marriage. Good luck!

[Rogina B]

Not sure why you didn't have a full discussion prior to ordering the pills. Seems like you aren't even close to being on the same page.You want a train wreck? Keep going!

[ChelseaErtel]

My first reaction is self medicating - very dangerous. Are you having your blood checked? If you want to continue, please see a doctor and get monitored.

Secondly, I believe you are heading for a train wreck. You need her support and doing things behind her back is not doing your marriage any good.

I have not transitioned yet, I want to in the worst way but my wife is not ready yet. I will not do anything without her knowing and approving. I'm biding my time but I can't wait forever but going slowly and keeping my wife involved is the only way I see that our marriage can survive. I know the chances are slim, but honesty is paramount in a marriage and we love each other so much I have hope.

Be Honest and see a DOCTOR!

[kimdl93]

If you want to stay in your marriage, you need to make these sorts of decisions together. And I just don't think it wise to self prescribe. But also, as suggested, get joint counseling. It's the best chance you have to become the person you want and to save the marriage. Best of luck.

[STACY B]

Don't take Hormones just to grow breast an be able to fit into your clothes better . Take them for your internal self not external self . Be careful those meds are some powerful stuff an if they don't agree with your body you may not get a second chance ? Not all people can take a certain kind ,, May find out to late ? You got be willing to let it all go sometimes to find what you really want . Make sure this is the right path .

[angpai30]

Self prescribing is very dangerous. A good portion of deaths among trans women is the fact that they were self prescribing. We wouldn't want you to be among that number and I would suggest stopping them for now as that is an informed decision that both you and you're spouse should make if you really want to keep the marriage together.

Angela

[Sara Jessica]

I see no mention of a therapist in here either (aside from the self-medicating).

You need help Keri in finding the path that is the right choice for you. Perhaps that will be transition, perhaps not. Regardless, it's coming across as if you have no guiding light aside from what's inside your heart which isn't a bad place to start but it might prove to be a bad place to finish without professional assistance. You may find yourself trading one set of issues for another which could be equally undesirable, and perhaps less tenable in the long run.

[Kate Simmons]

In addition to what the other members said, your biggest decision, in my mind is figuring out who you want to please, yourself or your wife. You can't have it both ways. I found this out the hard way. I decided to please myself and be myself at the cost of my wife who I still love and will always love. No one ever said it would be easy my friend. :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

"She figured out i was taking the pills"....

You have two problems Keri


One is your gender problem, the other is your honesty problem...i know i did the same thing...if you really want your wife to come around and support you in a way that is good for both of you , you need to be more open and honest with her, you need to say what you are going to do and you need to do it...and if you say you are not going to do something you can't sneak around...and you need to accept that she is going to be unwilling to be married to a woman under any circumstance.. it stinks, but the sooner you fully accept that and act on it, the better your chances of a good resolution..

i know it sucks, but every little thing you do without talking to her is going to push her away

[Rianna Humble]

I really feel that I should be a woman physically, I mean mentally I know I am and have already been a woman since I came to accept who I am. So I again have been taking hormones, I am taking estrogen, spiro and occassionally progesterone.
My last body measurement I gained 2.5 inches to my breast area, and 1.5 inches on my hips and an inch to my butt, my skin is softer and I definately feel calmer, this I believe is the right path for me.
My issue is if I continue doing what I have been doing, my wife has told me she will leave me (this is not what I want, but I may not be able to help it) I also should really see a doctor and soon.

Others have commented on the honesty issues and on the dangers of unsupervised use of hormones, so I will not pursue that line.

You do seem to have two major decisions to take which do not appear to be compatible.

Do you want to please your wife enough to be able to find a compromise over your gender identity? It won't be easy and it may take time working with one or more therapists to achieve the compromise, but if that is really the most important thing in your life at the moment, then that could be the way to go.

Alternatively, is the need to match your body to your true gender so great that you would be willing to give up your marriage and possibly lose the majority of friendships you thought you had in your life?

Whichever one is most important for you, you need to come clean with your wife and talk it out. Let her know that this is not a decision that you take lightly and that you are sorry for the hurt you have already caused and above all start and continue an honest dialogue - don't just say what you think your wife would like to hear, but tell her the truth with love, sincerity and humility.

Whichever way you decide is right for you, we will want to be there to support you in the good times and the bad.

[wadevikingfan]

hun, i am sorry you are going thru this tough time...i think one thing you did not mention, is having four kids too....you look gorgoues, and very passable as a woman...i know you have been going thru this struggle...and with you work...you have to think about work too...if you even need a freind, you know where i am..just another thing, where are you getting these hormones? are they safe? i would be scared of that too....

wendy

[Miranda-E]

My issue is if I continue doing what I have been doing, my wife has told me she will leave me (this is not what I want, but I may not be able to help it)

You can't help it. she'll live with a TG/TS or she won't.


I also should really see a doctor and soon.

You should but I've seen more poor TG's die from not self medicating than complications from self medicating.


So I am in for some tough and difficult decisions, but I want to be fair to my wife and give her what she wants (which is a man) I just dont think I am that man she needs anymore.
So I am stuck thinking, Shall I stay with what I want and have always wanted to be or squash my dreams and be true to my wife and honor her as her man. I hate this because one of us is going to lose.

This isn't some dressing game. There is no "fair", you need to find if you do have a choice to stay what someone else wants. depression kills and no one is worth it.
Those with the luxury of living a double life often don't understand this and start typing the loaded questions like "whats more important to you family or your desire".


but will my mife give it too me.

not sure if mife is a typo for WIFE or LIFE. either way life won't git it to you, you'll have to take it and its a long hard road. Your wife cant give it to you and also doesn't have the right to deny it.

[abigailf]

"She figured out i was taking the pills"....

You have two problems Keri



Actually I saw a third and there are probably more - drug addict. Taking medications without the care of a physician is no different then being a drug abuser. Actually that is what you are. You have dependency issues.

No doctor is going to go near you to help you transition. You need to correct some things first.

As the general consensus states:
- Stop taking your drugs and get under the care of a physician.
- Get a gender therapist. They will help you and you will know what to do.
- Go to couples counselling now. Don't wait.

Renee made a good observation. The transsexuals on this board do not call themselves men unless they are F2M. You may be confused about other things and transitioning may not be right for you. The fact that you have to post a comment on this board questioning it means you are not ready.

Refer to my post from last June as an example of someone on the verge of disaster. I wrote it just days before I had a mental break down.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?155380-I-can-t-fight-this-feeling-anymore&highlight=

The following story describes that day of my mental break down: http://abigailnj.blogspot.com/2012/03/coming-out.html

[melissaK]

Welcome to rock and hard place city! You aren't the first, won't be the last to be right where you are.

It's similar to my story, but different too. I lied about starting HRT to my wife. It was touch and go for a long time averting the total train wreck. But for me the relentless desire to complete transition causes ongoing stress for us. Rock and hard place. I have no solution but to go it a day at a time.

What I will offer is that "squashing" your self desires as you put it, will land you in an emotionally unstable and difficult place. Mental breakdowns and suicide problems become real events. On another recent thread called "selfishness" I posted an excerpt from therapist and TS community leader Anne Vitale. The quote includes her observations about outcome from "squashing."

Whether you try to squash or just slow pedal transition (often because it takes years to transition anyway) you probably would benefit from some counseling. And you will find being able to talk openly and non threateningly about your predicament with your wife will make you both feel better. If you don't, and you hide from her, you're really deceiving her, and depriving her of free choice, and that's selfish.

Well you have a pretty good grasp of what you are up against and I wish you the best. Considering its the holidays, you might want to back burner everything for a few weeks anyway in the interests of domestic harmony.

But, Happy holidays!

[arbon]

I feel for you being in that spot. Like so many I had to make those hard decisions also, and I choose to do what I felt I had to do - my wife losing her husband and my daughter losing her father and my parents their son, a lot of gut wrenching stuff, a lot of crying over the last few years. My wife considers Christmas time the anniversary of when she lost her husband. I felt pretty guilty about it for a long time.

My wife and I went back and forth on separating and divorcing, I was going to support her in whatever she felt was best for her. We have ended up staying together, but our relationship is nothing like it used to be.

If you do decide to transition probably best to be honest with her and let things fall as they will, let her figure out what she needs to do and support her in that.


Actually I saw a third and there are probably more - drug addict. Taking medications without the care of a physician is no different then being a drug abuser. Actually that is what you are. You have dependency issues.

No doctor is going to go near you to help you transition. You need to correct some things first.

I went the do it your self route for over a year and when I went to see a doctor it was not a problem, she was just glad I had decided to start getting checked up.I suspect that most TS women who did it themselves first had no problem when they finally went to see a doctor.

[Kerigirl2009]

Ok thank you for the comments and insight everyone. I will comment back with a few things that I know to be true. First, I did not refer to myself as a man, I referred to being a good man for my wife (when I have to be) such as comforting my wife on Christmas when her father passed away. I was a good strong shoulder for her to cry on and support her. And physically I am a man still, I cannot claim to be a woman other than mentally and emotionally. Now would I like to appear more female, no, I would LOVE IT!!! So physically yes I am still a man as far as my body is concerned, but that is the extent of me being a man. So in retrospect, I am stuck in a 50/50 sort of place at the moment.
Now as far as the seeing a Therapist, I have seen two, The first one that I saw I mostly discussed me being a crossdresser, simply because I was trying to hide the truth from my wife about who I was because of my fear of losing the one and ony true love of my life. So I wasted alot of money and time with him. This was for about eight months if my memory serves me correctly. The second therapist that I was seeing was a gender therapist, and I saw her weekly for a few months, always en femme, and always honest with her, (money well spent) but expensive. this was all out of pocket as she was not in my insurance plan. She was of the opinion that I am a woman and I should be working towards transition, but first I needed to be able to talk with my wife about this and it was my opinion and fear that she would leave me if I did follow my heart to be true to myself. (this has been confirmed by my wife in multiple discussions with her) Bascally my wife asked me to stop seeing her. She was willing to recommend a doctor to me that would prescribe the hormones however I stopped seeing her because my wife asked me too.
This is why I have done what I done, which is be a coward and hide what I should not hide. I am trying to be honest with her but honesty has not been good to me or my wife when it comes to being transgendered. We love eachother, she loves me as her husband, but cannot love me if I transition fully. So I have been wrestling with many emotions and sometimes I do not look to good for it, But I am getting stronger and more confident, while being able to maintain communication with her, however slow it may be, but bombarding her with everything all at once is like ripping her soul out and treating her like dirt. By telling her things slower she can think about it and come to a better understaning before giving up on me as too me I am still the same person she married. But I want to be true to myself now as I am not ashamed of me any longer, afraid of losing all that we have worked for YES but ashamed no, She on the otherhand is ashamed of me.
Now as far as self medicating, I know this to be stupid, especially if its long term, (and no I am not a drug abuser, abigailf) I made an educated choice to take some pills which will help me become who it is I want to be, I have been seeking out a doctor that will work with me that also is in my insurance plan. And according to the Transgendered guidelines that the doctors use, If a patient is self medicating for the purposes of transitioning, Doctors are more likely to perscribe the pills in which you are taking because they would rather you do it under doctor supervision, this is in the Benjamin guide for transgendered. (now it has been a long time since I have read it, but trust me it is there) I plan to see a doctor about being transgendered, but I need to find a doctor that I trust first.
OK now start ripping into me about how bad of a person I am, I know what I have done and what I continue to do and I am working to save my life with my wife and children, but I also know that I have to be true to myself as well, or I will not be worth the time of day as I will be miserable if I have to remain in this male body for the rest of my life.
As far as my breast wants, its not that I just want breasts, I want so much more then just breasts, but this is one place where you can see physical changes and I seeing all the changes that have resulted so far. this is only te beginning of what will be a very long and sadly painful journey,However if my family is in my corner then it will be that much less painful

[kimdl93]

keri, I don't for one moment intend to rip on you and I don't think anyone else does either. You're fully aware of the difficult situation you're in and appreciate the conflicting wants and needs - both your's and your wife's. And you have said often that you do want to save your marriage and family. If that is so, then you need to focus first on your relationship with your wife. This is a pretty difficult situation and I do not believe that you can succeed in maintaining your marriage, or even in acheiving an amicable separation without professional help....and in this case I'm talking about couples therapy. The only way this is gonna work is if you and your wife come together in working out a mutually agreeable path forward....wherever that path may lead.

I will take one exception with your comments above. You note that "honesty" has not treated you and your wife well. Its not fair to say that honestly hasn't been good to you. Being honest didn't get you the result you wanted, so you've at times resorted to deception. And the deceptions practiced in recent months haven't helped matters.

I don't know if your relationship has reached the point of now return. And I hope that the two of you can get professional help together, and reach some kind of compromise that works to some degree for both of you. But its entirely possible that you want things that are in your case, mutually exclusive. It may not be possible for your wife to continue to love you if you choose transition.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You are not a drug addict and you are not a coward...you are facing a huge problem and so far it seems trying your best..but you have to face facts and start considering a more honest and meaningful approach

the thing about love and honesty Keri is that keeping secrets is about power.
its about power that you have and she doesn't.

It doesn't matter why. I get your point that your experience is that by being more honest its not been good for you and your wife...
but if you say "i lied to my wife about........and that gives us a good relationship"...you can fill in the blank with anything and it would be wrong... i know we tell white lies in life, that is not what i'm talking about..

so basically what i'm saying is that if you truly love your wife, you OWE her the honesty she deserves...she deserves the power to choose for HERSELF how she wants to feel about this, and what she wants to do about it..
some day this is gonna hit the fan, delaying the inevitable takes time away from your wife and makes it harder for her to accept anything

whether you try to compromise or not, my feeling is that you are doing her a huge disservice and you can say its about loving each other, but its really about having a fake status quo that is predicated on your secret...
you are not saving her from anything other than having an honest relationship (whatever that may be) with you, the person she loves the most..
sorry if i'm harsh..

and one more point...you are not a cd...you are not bigendered... you don't seem to be questioning your nature...this is important because bi gendered folks and crossdressers have a wider set of livable options...people that are "happy" and totally at peace with themselves and their families are not transsexuals.....there are middle path folks that are realizing over time they are transsexual and perhaps you can mitigate your anxiety and needs by feminine expression to try to hold things together...but if you are already self medicating that's a hard road ..

[SandraAbsent]

I am not married and never have been so all I can do is empathize. Reading your posts raise some really big red flags though.

1. I think the self medicating thing has been well spoken here so I will only agree with whats been said and ad one thing. Self medicating puts your life into your own hands, but most importantly it also puts the lives of your wife and family into your own hands. Loosing a partner or parent has deep and sometimes painful life lasting effects, and by risking life in the way that self medicating does, the individual is playing roulette with everyone elses emotions as well. Look at it in the same context as committing suicide and the effect that has on a family.

2. Honesty, whether you like the results or not, is the absolute cornerstone for any relationship. Having read these forums for going on three years now, the story of a broken relationship regarding gender identity always starts with deception. Switch roles for a moment. If your partner was keeping something from you that had such high stakes or potentially severe consequences that would not only effect her, but would also have a deep impact on the family you have created, how would you feel? Women definitely experience emotion in a different way than a man does. Part of your transition should be learning how to process emotions the same as a woman would. I suggest maybe starting with this one.

3. I was incredibly concerned that in your original post, a lot of your reasons for wanting hormones were focused around the physical changes. Physical changes, especially breast growth, should be far down on the list for why to take hormones. The chemistry of hormones changes your entire existence, but most importantly hwo your brain functions. This should be the why.

Sorry this reply is a bit blunt, but its just the way I work.

[Kerigirl2009]

Kimdl93, you made me smile, Yes it is my intention to save my marriage, and I also have the sense that if I get what it is I need and that is to transition then I will lose my wife, I am at this point right now hoping that she will not hate me in the end. I know I am being unfair to her as far as our marriage is concerned and if you take me being transgendere out of the picture, we have a very good marriage where we always get along, we compliment eachother well and both would do anything for eachother. now being Transgendered, this is a part of me and I know that I cannot promise her that I will not be who I am, I can try only but I know that this will make me miserable, this is why I cannot promise her that, If I promise her I wont be Keri I know that to be a lie so I will not make that promise

We have discussed couples therapy, and at this time she is not interested in attending these together. seperate maybe but not as a couple.
I want her to be happy and that is what is most important to me for her. What is most important for me is that I am who I am and quit faking who I am.

I know right now that my wife does love me otherwise she would not be trying to deal with this everchanging condition of being transgendered, for me. But I think we both know if I go further with this that the best we can hope for is to be friends, I hope good friends though. This is where we may be heading, I dont think I could handle any less.

Kaitlyn- Thank you for seeing that I do try and I agree that white lies are just that and i will say that most people will tell them, I really dont look at what I do as lying, I do not hide what it is Ido anymore from her, I do hide it from my other three children, My oldest knows also and if my wife asks me I tell her the truth, which is not going so good, which is why I say the truth has not been good to us lately, I have tod her that yes I want to be a woman, that I am a much hppier person when I get to be Keri, and this is something that I want to experience mre and more, but I know it will be years and years before any of this will be possible. So if we go through this togethermaybe we can have a life together, I dont think this will be as husband and wife though if I do go through transition.
Sandra, When I was talking about the physical changes I was basically talking about the changes that I have seen already, and yes I am excited about them, but I am also concerned because they are getting to the point that I cannot keep them to myself much longer. This is the reason that I am seeking a doctor, I need to take this serious because what I am doing is not something that I should do without a doctor or without my wifes approval, and if she does not approve then I either have to stop where I am at in transition or keep living a lie which does not bring happiness. Basically if I get my happiness, I take her happiness and I am not ready to do this to her at this time, but if she is calm and can tell me she will be all right then I just may be able to move ahead with what I want.

More then that I do not know anything other then- I am a selfish person for doing this on my own and I am ashamed of that part of myself. I wish I would have accepted this before I was married.

[LeaP]

I agree with Kaitlyn's and others' statements on the need for honesty - for your wife's sake primarily, but also for the sake of having a real relationship. Because this is about being real. Isn't it?

That said, I understand how difficult total honesty is, especially after a lifetime of hiding. Everything in you tells you to hide, to soft-pedal, to assure, to minimize, and to redirect. And trust me, when you start being completely honest you are going to get beat up in ways you can't even imagine, and which are going to challenge your every statement and thought, and which may undermine or threaten your new-found self understanding.

There are a lot of dramatic statements in the thread about self-medicating. Nobody would advocate it when there are medical alternatives. Self-medicating hormones and anti-androgens is a crapshoot in a whole lot of ways. But the risk differences between self and prescribed HRT medicating, all other things equal, are few. Some "normal" risks, like clots, are exactly the same. Others that might be caught in monitoring, like potassium or prolactin problems, aren't always monitored, aren't always caught in time, or manifest in less-than-life-threatening ways that are ultimately treated anyway. My principal concern might be interactions, but again, these have to rise to a level of seriousness that often doesn't happen. When you construct a list of possible problems, it always sounds horrendous. But you can do that for aspirin, too.

Finally, I don't accept Sandra's assertion that physical changes are of lesser importance. First, I think that's an individual determination. Second, it ignores the obvious, which is that transition has a major physical component. Third, physical changes form part of the basis for the psychological changes Sandra is highlighting. Last but not least, I think the idea feeds into the notion some people have that transsexuality is "just" a psychological problem. Transsexuality is a physical problem, not a mental problem. Hormones aren't drugs to make you feel better about yourself.

[kittypw GG]

Not sure why you didn't have a full discussion prior to ordering the pills. Seems like you aren't even close to being on the same page.You want a train wreck? Keep going!

Not only will it be a train wreck but you are ruining your life and hers. Why can't you be honest with her and yourself? It's just plain selfish to keep going the way you are.