Being hit on at work

[angpai30]

OK, so this may sound strange or may not, but I was hit on at work a few days ago. From what I hear from the GG's at work they all say that it is fantastic to get hit on at work because then you know you are at least doing something right. Well I did get hit on and I thought the guy was OK. We talked for a little bit and he came back and we chatted a little bit more and the more I told him I wasn't interested in dating him he seemed more and more inclined to get me to say yes to a date. I did have a good time with him and gave him a hug when I was leaving and he kissed me on my cheek. I told him that it was over and that, that was inappropriate and I felt more inclined to slap him for not respecting a lady than becoming friends with him. Am I over analyzing things?

Angela

[GabbiSophia]

Hell no!! I say slap the jerk imo. Seems he thinks he can push himself on you. That doesn't fly in my world at all!!! Good luck with him in the future but I would draw a line in the sand and that's it.

Steph

[GaleWarning]

Sexual harrassment at work is never ok. You have declined his advances. He should leave you alone.
If he does not, complain formally to management.

[Michelle.M]

Hell no!! I say slap the jerk imo.

Well, I don't know if I'd go quite that far.

For my entire working life, and LONG before there were any sort of sexual harassment laws or workplace policies prohibiting interoffice romance I knew that getting involved with anyone at work was almost always a bad idea.

No matter what you do or don't do you become a topic of office gossip, which is distracting. If the gossip (whether true or not) becomes too distracting then both of you can expect to be counseled on it, and even in our supposedly more enlightened society the emphasis on the corrective action will be towards the woman. If someone needs to be let go it'll probably be you.

And from an EO standpoint if he's pressuring you and if you make it plain to him that you're not interested and yet he won't back off that is what HR refers to as creating a sexually charged hostile work environment. If it escalates (and it often does) then there's a real problem. If he's the only guilty party he can be fired; if the environment changes because of the two of you and it gets to the point where people dread coming to work you'll both be terminated.

You've taken steps to end this; good! Make it plain to him that what he's doing is not a very good idea and move on. If he doesn't take the hint and persists then find a mentor or a trusted supervisor who can advise you. I have seen WAY too many cases like this where something simple just explodes and if that happens you'll need an ally to be on your side when HR starts looking into this after your formal complaint.

[Ann Thomas]

That event sounded like way beyond what is allowed in any workplace. It's one thing to nicely and courteously express interest, and politely ask someone out, and yet quite another to not take 'no' for an answer. I would not wait for the next time with this dude, but report the incident immediately to your supervisor. What constitutes sexual harassment varies with how the recipient feels, and it sounds like you felt harassed over it. Just my opinion, but that's what I would do, regardless of your position or his position within the company. You need to clearly define boundaries with this guy, and do so using your company's sexual harassment reporting guidelines.

Some time ago, some guys crossed the line with me in harassment (not sexual, just physically threatening), and I went straight to management with it immediately. The one I reported had been there 17 years, and has strong family ties to the company. I, on the other hand, have been there only a few months, and have no prior history with the company. Needless to say he got chewed up one side and down the other by the company owners. He has since stayed respectful of me. After he'd simmered down a few days, he came to me and asked me why I reported him instead of talking to him first, because he said they yelled at him about it. I just said, "Good! After all the crap you have been throwing at me, you deserved it!" That put him in his place, and he realized that I had defined boundaries that he was not to cross, and that I couldn't give a rat's ass for his feelings being hurt by being yelled at by management.

I went on to explain to him that I don't believe it is right for people to directly confront those harassing them at work. It makes it too easy for things to get swept under the carpet, to where more and more horrible things can happen, and a blind eye be turned to them. From a liability standpoint, it's better for management to intervene, as they are supposed to have a broader picture on things and have better training to handle this kind of complaint.

Anyhow, hope things go better for you!

Hugs,
Ann

[Jana]

From what I hear from the GG's at work they all say that it is fantastic to get hit on at work because then you know you are at least doing something right.

Quick question: what kind of work is this that you get hit on if you do it right? I've had female coworkers all my life; some were amongst the most overachieving human beings I've ever seen and they were never hit on; does that mean they were doing it wrong? Food for thought.

As for the date, I don't think you're overanalyzing anything. You made it clear you didn't want anything with this guy. No means no and men should know better. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

[Miranda-E]

Am I over analyzing things?

Angela

no, a kiss is over the line. (coming from a known hugger)

[Badtranny]

From what I hear from the GG's at work they all say that it is fantastic to get hit on at work because then you know you are at least doing something right.

Sorry Kristen, but that is just a bizarre statement. ...Unless "work" is at a kissing booth.

[Eryn]

Kristen, I'll give the contrarian view. By your description, your lips said "no, no" but your hug said "yes, yes!"

Interpersonal relations are incredibly complex, and mind games abound. Playing "hard to get" is often encouraged in GG culture. "Make him work for it!" "Never say yes the first time he asks!" etc. are the bits of advice promulgated in this culture. Men are forced to play the game. Even though Political Correctness says that a man shouldn't press the issue if rejected, the actual behavior of women encourages just this behavior!

So, if you don't want this guy's attention, be consistent in your behavior. No hugging or any other touching that might confuse your message!

A second piece of advice: Smart girls make the workplace off-limits for romance. No matter which way things go things will get awkward. You should only indulge if you are OK with leaving that job if things go wrong (or right).

[Hope]

No... you aren't over analyzing things, you are sending mixed signals. You told this boy that you were not interested, and when he continued to pressure you, you continued to flirt, and hugged him on the way out? Your lips said one thing, your actions said another.

Yes, he was over the line to kiss you WAY WAY WAY over the line. And there is no excuse for that. And you bear no responsibility for that. You said you were not interested, that should have been it. Period.

But we don't live in the world where what happens is what SHOULD happen. We live in the world where things that shouldn't happen, quite often do. And you have to protect yourself from that. You know what Testosterone does to boys. You know how they talk when they think women aren't around. You know what they think of us. You know what they think of the girl who says "no" but still flirts. You HAVE to protect yourself. Particularly with a guy who has demonstrated poor impulse control.

You can be cordial - to a point - but firm. That means no hugging, no friendly flirty banter, keep it business like with this guy - at least until he cools off.

Especially because you would not be the first woman who got fired because a male colleague thought she was pretty...

[Kathryn Martin]

I do have a question. Was he a guy who worked for the same company than you?

If he does it was daring but not at all way over the line. If he doesn't work for your company you clearly overreacted. And - what was over? He found you attractive, he asked for a date, you talked to him and had a good time, you hugged him and he gave you a peck on the cheek. You are neither a spinster nor Mother Theresa. I also don't understand why he would be described as having poor impulse control. I would be insulted if I wasn't kissed on the cheek by a guy who clearly liked me and with whom I had a good time chatting. This is all way to holier than thou in political correctness land

I just don't get any of that advice given to you.

[Michelle.M]

Sorry Kristen, but that is just a bizarre statement. ...Unless "work" is at a kissing booth.

Or unless being hit on equals tips earned in a strip joint.

[Jorja]

It must be nice to get hit on at work. Nobody wants to hit on the poor boss lady. :(

[Saffron]

Not so nice when you get unwanted attention..

But it's funny that you girls consider cheek kiss as sexual harrassment. Here cheek kissing is the standard salute to a girl, is he European or hispanic?

[mikiSJ]

When I managed staff I had to sit down the guys with uncontrolled libido many times. Fortunately/unfortunately, I became the go to manager for the women who had trouble with their male managers/co-workers. I took a lot of heat from the guys for my position on women being hassled at work - but, to he!! with them. I felt better and made a lot of friends who were women.

[Grace85]

From what I hear from the GG's at work they all say that it is fantastic to get hit on at work because then you know you are at least doing something right.

Getting asked out once is flattering. Getting asked out a 2nd time once you've said no can be okay if its done in a very respectful manner. Getting repeatedly pressured for date from someone you've already turned down is harassment, and makes most GG's I know (myself included) uncomfortable. You're not over-analyzing things. If it were me in that situation, I'd be more uncomfortable/compelled to slap him for putting on the pressure for a date than a kiss on the cheek, but everyone has their own boundaries. If he continues to pursue you, I'd suggest telling him once more, firmly and clearly, that you're not interested in going out with him and that he should stop asking. And if he doesn't cease and desist then, go to your boss or HR.

Unfortunately, this falls under the category of "welcome of the not-so-nice-side of our club". Sexual harassment is something women deal with all the time...more than most guys know, even. I actually just had a surprising conversation with my usually well-informed bf about sexual harassment. He was shocked to find out that I've had plenty of guys be inappropriate on the bus or subway (sitting squeezed up against me or touching my thigh, one guy who kept saying he wanted to **** me and singing "it's so hot in here..."). He was more shocked to find out that milder forms of harassment - like cat calls or my personal favorite, being told to smile by strangers, usually older men (because I am clearly only here to look pretty for you and if I don't look happy it interferes with that) - happen regularly. He said he knew harassment happened, but, he always considered it something fairly rare, like less than 5% of men would harass women. It's certainly not a majority; most men are respectful, but, it's a very sizeable minority. And I am one of the lucky ones; I have friends who get harassed far more often than I do, simply because they were born with bigger boobs than me.

Here's what you can do, in general: Be firm with disrespectful men. In situations where its safe to do so (i.e. at work, not so much at a sparsely populated bus stop) tell men that if they don't stop now or they do x again, you will report them to authorities. Be alert for signs that a guy might not be respectful later: guys who make sexist jokes are not guys you want to be alone with. If someone creeps you out, trust your gut. Most of all, just speak up - the minority of men who harass women continue to get away with it because we don't talk about it enough. Even I assumed that my bf knew how common it is, and he didn't.

[Henna]

But it's funny that you girls consider cheek kiss as sexual harrassment. Here cheek kissing is the standard salute to a girl, is he European or hispanic?

Saffron, was thinking the same, although in my country, it´s a very no no, to go closer to people than a hand shaking distance. But I spent some time in Spain in the past few years and I know Spanish are very warm and nice people and it´s a standard salute there. As it is in Russia, France and many other countries.

But here the cheek kiss would also be a definitely no no and would go as a sexual harassment.

[Deedee Skyblue]

My guess would be that after you hung with him, enjoyed yourself, and gave him a hug, he thought maybe you were changing your mind. He was still interested, so he took a chance. If you hadn't hugged him my thoughts would be different - but you were not forced to, you chose to do so, and that encouraged him. I suspect he won't be back again, you made your point.

Deedee

[Babeba]

It really depends on the man flirting with you and their views on women - most understand there are lines and boundaries, and the difference between a friendly hug and a flirty one. Others (not as many, but a few) think every woman is into them and just playing hard to get - those are the ones where things can get very scary, very quickly. Unfortunately there are not always signs of which is which.

The safest thing is to always be professional, until you meet someone you would actually be interested In - save your flirting for that man!

[Cheryl T]

Let's see... YOU hugged him and then he kissed you on the Cheek ... and you're upset at him???
If you were not interested why on earth did you hug him?

[angpai30]

From what I hear from the GG's at work they all say that it is fantastic to get hit on at work because then you know you are at least doing something right.


Sorry Kristen, but that is just a bizarre statement. ...Unless "work" is at a kissing booth.

It is a bizarre statement, but it was said to me, in the break room by three different girls who were all talking to me about being hit on at work about a month ago, lol!! I thought it strange that they liked being hit on at work though never being hit on at work myself before now... I still don't understand this statement myself.

Angela


Let's see... YOU hugged him and then he kissed you on the Cheek ... and you're upset at him???
If you were not interested why on earth did you hug him?

I admit I'm a big hugger. Anyone out of anyone who knows me knows that most likely you will get a hug from me no matter male or female. I guess he knew that and took his chances. He did say that he wanted to be friends and I thought after that statement that maybe it would have been OK to give him a hug because I had already declined dating him. Friends hug sometimes and I thought that he would respect me though declining him, but still wanting to be friends is why I gave him the hug.

Angela

[angpai30]

He probably doesn't know I'm trans. Pretty much the whole store knows except for any of the new people.

Angela

[Vickie_CDTV]

It never fails to amaze me. I came of age in an era where sexual harassment was a topic constantly in the news. We were taught over and over and over again, you do not hit on women in the workplace, you do not comment on a woman's appearance in the workplace, and you absolutely do not ever touch a coworker of the opposite sex (outside of safety considerations.) In this day and age, this guy is playing with fire! He could have been fired and have a mark on his record that could haunt him the rest of his life! The only thing that might have helped his cause was hugging him, which was a mistake, even if it is obviously clear to us that wasn't your intention it could have been misconstrued as something else.

It is rather sad we have to have such cold, impersonal workplaces, but... it is what it is.

[ReineD]

I take it you work in retail and this was a customer, not a coworker? If he is a coworker who is harassing you, then you should complain to your boss.

But, if you're a huggy, friendly type of person, it could be that he was being friendly back when he kissed you on the cheek. You mentioned the possibility of slapping him for being fresh, but honestly I think they stopped doing that during WW II. :p

Another thought is that he is young, and he thought that he was being funny or charming by insisting? If you were friendly and huggy back, then he might have got all the wrong messages from you. Nothing stops a guy faster than saying to him in an unmistakably firm, cold voice with a look in your eyes to match, "No! I'm not interested and I want you to stop asking. This is getting beyond annoying".

Also, if a female at work said that she knows she is doing something right when she gets hit on at work, I have to question her self-esteem levels. Or, maybe she is very young? In my book, work is a place to be professional and not a place to send out those subtle signals.

[christinac]

Kristen,


Did that guy know your trans? If not that's a rather dangerous interaction.

I have to second that caution. A very dear friend of mine that if you didn't know her you would never guess in a million years that she had a package. About ten years ago she was en-femme at a club with a few close friends and this guy got real friendly with her and as the night went on things got steamier and steamier and at the end of the night he was walking her to her car and at the car things got steamy again and one thing led to another and the guy reached up her mini skirt and discovered something he wasn't expecting to be there. Long story short that guy went insane on her and beat and kicked her almost to death. She was in the ICU for almost two weeks.

I know this is two completely different circumstances, but the point is that some guys don't handle surprises very well.

[Babeba]

I am a huggy person, too - but sometimes you have to learn not to be. One of those times is after you've turned someone down for a date. That's just mixed signals.

[angpai30]

I was at work today and got hit on by another Co. Worker. Though today was a little strange and different in a good way. I got to work a little late this morning and as I was getting ready to go to work I saw my Assistant Manager over my area. I talked to her about excusing my tardiness if I worked late because I got stuck in the snow and I would be willing to work late and she accepted. She then started to tell me my duties for today and in mid sentence she stopped and stared at me for a minute looking at me, circling me, playing with my hair and then she said "Angela, you have become a really pretty girl. I'm amazed at how pretty you actually are since you started out as a guy". She then started giving me instructions again and then said to another assistant "hasn't Angela become really pretty" they both looked at me and the response was "yes".
This shocked me and took me by surprise and I literally stood there for a minute dumbfounded at that statement. This gave me a better appreciation for those who I work with because you never know who will surprise you!!
After talking with my assistant I headed to my Dept. and started working and as soon as I entered the Dairy cooler a guy I have been working with for the past 3 months who knows I'm transitioning asked me out on a date. Dumbfounded again I just stood there and contemplated the compliments I was just given as he said I was really pretty and would like to get to know me a little better and asked me to go to a play with him. Though a little confused because he's a straight guy and doesn't like gays all that much, but asked me out on a date? I have liked this guy since I started working with him and he has a wonderful temperament. He's nice to me and tries making me laugh and I really enjoy his company.
The other guy I told you about who kept pestering me came back and I told him to bug off in not so many words, but none the less I told him to scram.

Angela

[Marleena]

Kristen I might sound like a downer but please keep your eyes open at your workplace. The conduct of your Assistant Manager sounds suspect to me. Hope I'm wrong but something doesn't seem quite right.

[Deedee Skyblue]

in general, it's not a good idea to date co-workers, particularly ones that you work next to every day. I'm sure you're heard that before, but it's true whatever your gender...

Deedee

[Beverley Sims]

Be proud of the effect you seem to be having on others at work.
Push it all away nicely and resist any relationships in the workplace.
It is like a guy going out with a group of girls then dating one. All the others feel rejected and then turn on you.
Try and keep your social life away from the workplace.
When you become less of a novelty then you can probably form friendships.
I do mean "novelty" kindly and treat it as a caution for now.

[Nicole Erin]

so he knows you are TS and is still interested?
pretty cool really, the only problem is - a lot of guys who are into us tend to have some dominant she-male fantasy going on.

I imagine he is probably not a bad guy cause all the creepazoids and losers go after ME.

Just wondering also - how do you dress at work? I have never been hit on by a guy at work. Sometimes a guy will compliment me if I am actually dressed in something other than a tee and my favorite jeans that sag off my butt.

[Joann Smith]

in general, it's not a good idea to date co-workers, particularly ones that you work next to every day. I'm sure you're heard that before, but it's true whatever your gender...

Deedee


I am gonna second on this one

[Tracii G]

The dating a co worker thing can be kind of hit and miss.I know of some that got married and it worked out OK.
I dated one lady at work but she was part of the security staff which is actually an outside company.
I had offers from some inside ladies as well and always declined the date offers.
Just be careful is all I can say.Lots of rumors will start and some may not be positive.

[angpai30]

Lol, i'm wearing work attire in my avatar... That is how I dress pretty much every day for work.

Angela

[Kittie]

Can I have a vial of whatever love potion you're drinking? :battingeyelashes:

I ask this but I've also experienced such attention from complete strangers who know nothing about me and if you let it get too far you can get into some sticky situations. Some people lack the mental equipment to deal with such a discovery, better to be safe than sorry. Flirt responsibly. Be aware of disingenuous deviants. :thumbsup:

[EmilyLynn28]

Kissing is definitely over the line in this situation!

[Laura_Stephens]

Work is for work - period. It is not a "meet market".

Given the difficulties T people live with every day in obtaining a job and keeping one, my advice would be to keep your work and personal lives completely separate.