Tried to talk to my wife again...

[AngoraGirl]

I originally told my wife about my CDing a year into our marriage. She was not happy about, a lot of tears and anger and she said she didn't want to know about it. At the time I had told her it was just a kinky fetish, something I think I actually wanted to believe at the time. Flash forward 7 years, the urge to dress has been overwhelming lately. I tried to talk about it with her about a month ago and she said I must be gay and that if I have to do it I should do it without her. So a few weeks ago I made my first order. Was sooo happy with my purchases, but the guilt of going behind her back and the stress that she might one day find it was stressing me out big time. So I sat her down and said we need to talk about the thing she didn't want to talk about. I told her how I no longer thought that this was a fetish, that this was part of who I am, that I have had these desires all my life. I even printed out and read this article to her - http://www.gendertree.com/Helping%20Wives%20Of%20Cross%20Dresers.htm
While there were no tears this time and no anger, she said she still wants no part in it. She still thinks its just a fetish, saying that she has weird sexual fantasies but she doesn't feel the need to act on them and doesnt understand why I have to. She also said she could never wear lingerie again which made me really sad. She equated her wearing lingerie to bringing an alcoholic to a liquor store, even though I tried to explain to her that I love when she wears lingerie. We've been having a great sex life lately but now she's convinced that I only wanted to have sex with her all the time to replace my urges to dress (she could be half right there). She's also convinced even though I have told her so many times that I have no desire to ever transition to being a woman for real that if she goes along with the crossdressing then it will lead to that down the road. So it seems I am back where I started from, stuck in the closet with no one to have fun with. The only somewhat positive thing came when she asked me why I bought my own things and didn't just wear hers. I said does that mean I can wear your things if I want? She said "what, you need variety?!?" I said yes of course. She thought about it and said as long as I put everything back so she doesn't know what I wore it would be ok. I guess that's kind of progress right? Still I was hoping for a more positive experience after pouring my heart out to her. Seems she is never going to fully accept my feminine side...

[Jenniferathome]

It's true that she may never "accept" your female side. But even being able to talk about it is mo than many have achieved. Take what she gives you and be happy for that. If you keep the conversation going, there may be a time when she can understand what cross dressing is.

[Ceri Anne]

Jennifer as usual stated it very well, you have a dialogue going, she knows you do it, but isn't ready for you to share it. She may never be ready, but your not hiding things, so thats good. Talking every once in a while without whining, begging or pushing may bring her around in time. I wish you well.

[SAMANN]

The fact that you are at least talking is a great start and is more than many of us have. Keep up the conversation in a respectful positive manner. When opportunity arises shar with her. It may take a long time though (17 years for me).

[RADER]

At least you are talking; her think that you are taking an alcoholic to a liquor store is not the same
as when she wears some lingerie. Try to get some Marriage Counseling. The possibility of talking
with someone else might at lest calm her fears about you.
Good Luck, and please go slow.
Rader

[jillleanne]

Keep the talk going regularly. She has not kicked you to the curb so given time, open communication, and honesty with her, she may come to realize your need to express your fem side is not all that bad after all. I'm betting she will come around slowly.

[sissystephanie]

I am probably going to get Royally flamed for this, but it needs to be said! And as a Crossdresser for more years than many of you have been alive I do know what I am talking about! Unless you have dual sex organs, both male and female, if you crossdress you most likely do have a fetish!! You do it because you like to!!

Then the question arises, do you want to be a woman? Your wife married a man, or at least she thought she did. Can you tell her honestly that you will always be her MAN!! I told my late wife that I was a crossdresser when I proposed to her, but that I would always be her MAN no matter what I had on. We were married almost 50 years before cancer took her!! And she accepted my CD'ing to the point of doing my makeup and fixing my wig so I could really pass as Stephanie!! BTW, we do have 2 wonderful children!!

Remember, a marriage is 2 people!! Both of you have to give a little to make it work!! Keep talking and always be honest with her!! Good Luck!!

[Angela Campbell]

Yes she is!! Isn't it wonderful!

[Maria 60]

Wow when I told my wife her first rule is that she didn't want me to wear her cloth. and we went out to buy me my own things, even though she still ask if I wear her dresses and I say yes and she really doesn't seem to care. For her to give you the green light to wear her cloth is a huge positive and I suggest you take it slow, but not to slow. She is going to have to understand that this isn't something that is just going to go away. I hope you keep us updated and hope it all works out.

[Raychel]

When I frst told my wife she was all freaked out, The whole gay questions, Ect.
then she said that she knew it was a part if me she could never change.
She just never wanted to see me dressed.
Later on she would make sure I had time to dress.
After that she new when I was dressed and started to see me dressed.
All this takes time to adjust to.

Of course every persn is differant and can tollerate differant things.
My wife has decided to accept me for who I am.
And for that I addore her.

you wife may adjust over time. This is a big thing for her.
Let her adjust and she will let you know when the time os right.
Until then take it slow and concentrate on making her happy.

[Beverley Sims]

At least you are both talking and she seems ok with you borrowing her clothes.
Keep going slowly and steadily and hopefully your situation will not deteriorate.

[SandraInHose]

So much of what's been said here applies to my situation. Wife found out after 17 years of marriage, and caused her much anger, sense of betrayal, confusion about my masculinity, etc, the usual array of questions. She said if this were early in our marriage she would have just left and been done with it, but since we'd been together so long she had seen my many good qualities, and decided to stick it out. There were/are many issues, and she still begrudgingly accepts that part of me and knows it won't ever go away, but now nine years later we are at a fairly good point. Still no interaction other than she sees me in pantyhose all the time, but never dressed.

The first few days after she found out, she wanted to see me dressed, and we actually had sex a few times with me dressed. I of course thought it was a dream come true, but it made her want to retch, so that experiment quickly and forever went away. Over the years it's been 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, again and again, but at least she accepts my pantyhose-wearing. On rare occasions we'll have sex with us both wearing crotchless pantyhose, but other than that there's no other interaction involving me in female clothing. We can and do make fun comments regarding my dressing, whereas she'll see an outfit she likes and asks my opinion of it, and I usually say something like, "I can see myself in something like that!" Not really what she wants to hear but at least it doesn't set her off like it did early on.

Over time, she has seen that many of her earlier fears were unfounded, and that I'm not 'turning gay' or wanting to have my manly bits removed, etc. She still would prefer I wasn't a CD'er, but she has learned more about my 'hobby' and tends to be more tolerant than she used to be. But as was mentioned by another member, I can't forget to show her I'm a man. Gotta put away the 'fun' clothes sometimes and be the male force, and let HER be the woman!

[AngoraGirl]

So the conversation continued tonight but with a much more negative tone from my wife. Her biggest fear is that today I say I just want to dress up at home everyonce in a while but maybe down the road it will evolve into something like wanting to wear panties to work and then eventually being dressed all the time and maybe going out dressed in public. I'm 36 years old and I can honestly say right now I don't want any of those things. But do any of you think my wife is right? Did any of you only get a desire to be out dressed in public after many many years at home in the closet? Or was the desire always there?

[Stephanie47]

Yep, I started as an in home cross dresser. I started with several nightgowns for 'bedroom play,' Then I started buying slips, panties and bras. Thereafter, dresses, hosiery and heels. Then a brunette wig. Then I went out at Halloween. Then I went out not at Halloween for drives. I still do not have any desire to encounter people, but, that urge is slowly creeping in. It has taken decades, but, it is arising. I only suppress the desire because I do not to inflict discomfort on my wife, who does like the idea. We've settled into a DADT relationship, which has served us well.

Angora, I do not see one shred of evidence your wife is anywhere receptive to cross dressing. For her to say it is OK for you to wear her clothes, but, put them back so she cannot tell you wore them, is nothing more than a statement she suspects you're going to do whatever you want anyway.

Frankly, for many women cross dressing is a shocker and will always remain a shocker. You can see in your post of #15, there is an element of public ridicule and fear.

[AngoraGirl]

Thanks for your reply Stephanie. Your post is frightening to me. Because I know how strong the desire to dress is now and if it does progress to out of the house it probably means my marriage is over.

[Raychel]

I do not have a strong desire to go out dressed. But I do wish that I could dress all the time.
I realy do not like being in guy mode at all anymore.
I feel so much more like myself when I am in a dress. So much more at ease. Just more myself.

If you asked me 30 years ago if I would like to dress up all the time I would have said definitely NO.
But as I have evolved over time. I find that now this is exactly what I want.

As time passes you may change your mind about what you want.
You (and your wife) need to be very careful heading down this road.
Be sure that you both are ready and an accept what may happen later on in life.

[kimdl93]

Being able to talk is a good thing. But maybe you need some help working through her misconceptions. Have you thought about couples therapy?

[Nanaya]

Talking to her was a very good first step, and something to be proud of. I think the important part now is, as Kim said, getting rid of the misconceptions. That may take a while, but hang in there!

[AngoraGirl]

Yes but maybe some of her misconceptions aren't actually misconceptions. Sounds like she may be right in being worried that my desires will increase over time to take my dressing further and further. I really don't think she would ever be able to deal with that. I suggested talking to a counselor and she said no way would she ever talk to anyone about this.

[jackielou]

merry christmas angora girl the fact that she agreed to let you wear her stuff is indeed a giant step for her take your time and keep talking dont push it underdress and let her know how happy you are wearing her clothes and how you love her for letting you share i would be overjoyed if my woman would just look at me in a bra without a shirt on she knows i wear a bra and panties and has no problem with the panties

[Dann12]

Seems she is never going to fully accept my feminine side...[/QUOTE]


hmmmm...I'm not so sure about that. I think patience is in order here. I say I'm not so sure becuase of some of the things she's said. It would almost seem as though she just needs some time and reassurance about certain points. If it where an absolute rejection, she'd have never even alluded to sharing her clothes with you. Seems like more of a fear of what could become instead of a fear of what it is right now...make any sense?

CDing is a lonely place if the desire includes having someone to join in.

[velece]

Stephanie,
You are so right! Home dressing in not enough. I started out that way, and realized at some point, that I will need to be dressed in public. I have local friends, and I am working to be dressed in public. Nothing else will satisfy. It's a need, not a game. It's part of who we are, and when that part finally surfaces it has to be reconciled.
I'm in the DADT mode as well, and hold no hope for anything better, but who knows!
Your deep basement Sister,
Velece

[Mollyanne]

I'm going to throw my "2 cents" worth in. If I were you I WOULDN'T BORROW OR WEAR HER CLOTHES, NO MATTER WHAT!!!!! As to why you may ask, well for one thing this could and I say again could give her more ammunition against your cd'in' which she doesn't like in the first place. Second, a woman's clothing is a special part of her and defines her personality. You could NEVER put anything of hers back into the same place and folded the same way as she did (I learned that the hard way). You are going to have to come to some sort of compromise within yourself with regard to your cd'ing.

Molly

[Rogina B]

Like Molly said..."Leave her clothes alone"!!! If it is just clothes you want,you will have more fun buying your own!

[linda allen]

I think it's possible that a woman would feel less threatened by a husband wearing her clothes than if he actually had his own. If youy have your own female clothes, you have firmly established that you are a crossdresser. If you borrow hers, it might just be a passing fad.

That said, and going back to the OP's original post - What's in it for your wife if you crossdress? Nothing, right? That is often the root of the problem. The crossdresser is being selfish, thinking only of himself and having all the fun. He is prancing around the house in a bra and panties instead of taking the wife out for dinner and a show.

The solution - make sure there is something in it for the wife. Be extra nice to her. Buy ger gifts, buy her clothes, take her shopping, take her out to dinner, to shows, whatever she likes to do. Tell her you love her every day, several times a day.

What I'm trying to say is, make it known to her that crossdressing makes you a nicer, more loving and attentive person.

Every marriage is different and this won't work every time, but it may tip the scales in your favor.

[Paula_56]

Be a great husband, treat her well, love her, and things will evolve, show that she is the priority in your life. At one point it will click "Hey my girlfriends husbands are not a half as good as mine" So what if he crossdresses! Also YOU need to see a therapist who understands gender issues. I wish I did years before I went thru all the guilt, shame, self loathing and alcohol abuse.

[ElleduSud]

I think you both need to discuss the truth. It is much better now, before your lives and finances are combined and any children are born, for the two of you to sit down together and review what the medical community has stated:

1. It is chronic. You are not going to stop.
2. It is progressive. Over time you will want to dress to a greater extent (full ensembles, wigs, makeup, etc.) and on a more frequent basis.

The two of you need to make a conscious, fact-based decision about your future together.

[StephanieC]

I can relate to many points of this post. I would agree that dialogue is good: lots of people are not at that point, I would consider you very fortunate. I also understand your wife's question about you needing a variety of clothing...I think that comes from some assumption that it's fetish-related.

I would highly recommend some counseling if you are not already there. For yourself if necessary but, ideally, for the both. A therapist can give you some pointers. But choose one that has experience with the trans community. I would not make any assumptions about where your journey may or may not go in the future. I don't think we always know...how we feel may change. But a therapist, too, will help with this.

Good luck

-stephani

[JenniferR771]

Dear Angora, it is very difficult to find a good counselor--most will be happy to talk to you and take your money--but only a tiny fraction have any experience or expertise in this type of problem. I agree it is important to reassure your wife--that you have not changed, and that you will be... and continue to be... a really good loving husband. Crossdressers are great and faithful husbands. Get her to read a few (hundred) posts on here so she can understand that although there may be some slow progression to going out, or to support group, only a small percentage actually decide on SRS surgery. Be honest, if its true, explain that it is not likely you will turn into a drag queen, discover that you are gay or start hanging out with boyfriends. Explain that you like conservative clothes and don't want to look like a trashy streetwalker, (unless you do.)

And...try to get her to help advise you as to fashion and makeup. Like a younger sister. Girls love to help their little sister coordinate outfits, improve their makeup, fix their hair...shop for new styles that complement their figures. Accept her criticism of your garrish makeup, too-red lips and inappropriate outfits...it might eventually lead to her helping with smoky eyes and taking you shopping. Helping you walk in tall heels. Accept it if she wants you to throw out certain tight skirts and dowdy dresses. Think of the fun of future shopping trips.

And consider her privacy. Almost all women do not want anyone else to know. No relatives. No neighbors. No doctors. Your cd is a source of embarrassment to her--its just the way wives feel.

If possible, get her to a support group meeting eventually. If possible get her to this site from time to time so she can see and understand us as human beings. Some pretty--some--not so much.

Every time my wife comes in the room and sees that I am on this site she screams loudly, "Get off that site! GEt off! GET OFF!" But for the first time today, she came in the room and picked up a book and said nothing. She just wants me to stay off the site when she is in the room. Baby steps.

[linda allen]

....... Every time my wife comes in the room and sees that I am on this site she screams loudly, "Get off that site! GEt off! GET OFF!" But for the first time today, she came in the room and picked up a book and said nothing. She just wants me to stay off the site when she is in the room. Baby steps.

I avoid that problem by only logging on if my wife is out of the house. If I hear the door open, I log off.

I know many folks recommend letting their wifes read this forum. I don't. First, it's against the rules to log on and let someone else read or post.

Second, some folks here are pretty "far out there" in my opinion. I'm not judging, but I don't want my wife thinking that crossdressing leads to wanting to have sex with men, hormones and/or SRS, etc. It's fine with me if that's where someone else is or is headed, but I think it would scare her.

[ClosetED]

It is a common question - will CDing in private always lead to more - underdressing daily, going out in public, etc. two responses, both in DADT relationships, said for them it did. Whst about those in supportive relationships? If the full acceptance is given by a SO, then does that reduce the chance or even eliminate it that things will progress beyond the comfort zone of the SO? It would be nice to hear from those in a supportive relationship- CD and GGs. As AngoraGirl said, that is frightening to hear it will progress. Snow White did post, but maybe you could comment on the progression issue.

[AngoraGirl]

Thanks to everyone for your feedback. There is no way my wife wants to talk to any therapist or support group about this. She's made that abundantly clear. She also refuses to see me dressed so asking for makeup help is out of the question and honestly I don't even have a desire to wear makeup. At least right now I don't. I am truly frightened by the fact that my desires will intensify in time. I'm really just coming to the self acceptance (with a lot of help from reading this site) that I have more than a weird fetish. I'm happy just wearing clothes for now. I have two young boys and I would never want to embarrass or traumatize them or my wife down the road even if it means I have to sacrifice some of my own happiness. They mean more to me.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

It is a common question - will CDing in private always lead to more - underdressing daily, going out in public, etc. two responses, both in DADT relationships, said for them it did. Whst about those in supportive relationships? If the full acceptance is given by a SO, then does that reduce the chance or even eliminate it that things will progress beyond the comfort zone of the SO? It would be nice to hear from those in a supportive relationship- CD and GGs. As AngoraGirl said, that is frightening to hear it will progress. Snow White did post, but maybe you could comment on the progression issue.

ClosetED, AngoraGirl--I have been out to my very supportive wife only a short time--almost two weeks. If you look at my intro you will see those circumstances. I may not have the experience of veteran posters here but I will share that in that short time two things have happened. One is that we have begun establishing boundaries. She understands, accepts, and even enjoys the shaved legs and has no problem with pantyhose or thigh highs. But when I put on heels she thinks it makes my legs look too feminine. Not sure how completely shaved with lace top thigh highs isn't feminine already, but I respect her and have been very circumspect with the heels around her. She said definitely no heels in bed. When two pair of pumps arrived that I had ordered, however, she did let me model them for her and complimented me on my taste, but in the next sentence expressed concern that I would want to "go all the way" and become a woman. I tried to reassure her, but standing there in a pair of Berkshire Ultra Sheer nude hose, wearing a pair of beige suede 4" stiletto pumps, and a satin robe, I don't think she was entirely convinced.

The other thing is that while I am still like a kid in a candy store, the sometimes problematic realities of dressing have become clear. Underdressing can be a pain--I walked around all day Christmas shopping with pantyhose under normal male clothes, and I can tell you it made me hot and sweaty. I told my wife this and she laughed, saying that I was beginning to see what women went through. I've shaved my legs every day since coming out, and I am consuming a large number of blades and going through lots of shaving cream. Plus it adds 20 min to my hygiene routine. Not sure if I want to keep that up...I established the precedent and she did not push back, but it's a lot of work! Pantyhose are very fragile and while I enjoy them immensely, I don't think I can afford $5 per day or more to replace hose with runs.

I think my wife's acceptance has given me a level of satisfaction that I never hoped to achieve. Now we are finding our way forward with love and respect. At least that's what I think. I can tell she has concerns but she says she loves me, will stay with me unless I become a woman, and seems to be enjoying some aspects of this. The level of lovemaking has skyrocketed since coming out, which I know she appreciates. That is a combination of the taboo nature of our "big secret", the fact that the hose and shaved legs are so sensual, etc. She asked me the other day to trim /shave her below, which was intensely exciting for both of us. She didn't shave me there, but she did shave my legs for the first time.

Everybody's situation is different. I've been honest with her every step of the way and I think that has helped. We'll see where this goes! Good luck to you, Angora.

[bimini1]

I am soooo glad my wife knew about this while we dated. There is just no way I would have gone into it without telling her. I know everyone's situation is different but it's a real blessing to have an accepting spouse. I will never take it for granted.

[velece]

Forget the shaving cream, use hair conditioner, works much better. Really slippery.
Velece