The worst purges are the ones we regret immediately

[Tiffany Grace]

Purging, thank God, is no longer in my psychological makeup. My therapist, advisor, counselor, everything has helped me so much with regards to overcoming inner conflict, shame etc. So, no more purging, but I recall the purges that were the most painful. Once I had splurged and went out shopping for some great outfits, I remember buying some sexy dresses, heels, wigs, nylons etc.

Back then, my wardrobe was limited to how much I could hide. Today, thank the Lord, I have a wonderful wardrobe for which I am grateful for. Desperation shopping, heels way too high, dresses way too short, you know what I mean.

Rushed home to try them on, one thing led to another, read in between the lines, and I got hit with such an attack of guilt and shame, it overwhelmed me, found myself in that place in my head filled with regret and terrible sadness, I decided the only remedy from all this horrible guilt and shame was purging. I threw everything away, newly bought items, next day I came to my senses ran down stairs to the alley where I had thrown everything out looking for my stuff. It was gone, not a trace, hosiery, shoes, dresses.

Thankfully it has been years since I have ever felt such a terrible low in guilt and shame. I would especially experience guilt when compelled to masterbate, you know what I mean, if you are honest. If not don't worry about it.

Today, no matter how my evening ends up I am completely accepting of who I am. It has taken a long time but I am quite comfortable in my own skin, and my pantyhose too lol :) Guilt and Shame free :)

[~Joanne~]

I know the feeling all too well. No matter how many times you do this, it always comes back, usually more intense, and then you regret ever throwing away all of your nice, expensive, and pretty things. I have lost many a great outfits this way and wasted a huge amount of money.

Luckily I am also in a better place with all of this now. I now fully accept this side of me and everything hangs nicely in the closet :) It was a very long road to get here but worth the trip in the end :) Still a bunch of things to overcome but there will not be any more purges!

[kimdl93]

Self loathing, brought on by needless shame and guilt, is that dark passenger many of us have finally rejected. I feel so much happier and at peace since I realized that Being TG is not a crime, not a sin, not a defect. It's just a unique part of my humanity. If I could give any of you a gift, it would be the gift of self acceptance freed from shame.

[Stephanie47]

Fortunately my heavy bouts of self loathing occurred when I was a teenager in the 1960's. Then all I could wear were garments belonging to my mother. I slowly accumulated my wardrobe. Having gained self acceptance over the decades I really do not see any reason to purge anymore. Even in DADT marriage, respecting the wishes of a non accepting wife, I would never purge given an ultimatum that so many CD-ers experience on this site.

The only reason to purge is when the CD-er feels the need to upgrade her wardrobe to reflect her self image. Or when she experiences weight gain or loss.

Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year!

[Brenda Freeman]

I remember fondly a beautiful dress I took to GoodWill. It is one of many things I have purged in the past but I look back and say damn that was so nice why did I DO THAT!!!, at least it went to hopefully someone that could enjoy it, it still bothers me but probably was a good wake up call. I LIKE MANY HAVE THROUGH GUILT AND THE WHY AM I DOING THIS QUESTION, have made the road to self approval a long difficult journey. When I finally accepted the fact that I just need and want to have my CD side as a part of me and I deserve it, the guilt went away! I still partially purged a couple years ago! I Now have an area that if I no longer feel I will wear something it sits there for a long time before I give it away. and if it goes it is not guilt or shame, (these things shall pass and you do not want to add regret)but a need to get something new or update the wardrobe. Any one thinking of purging needs to take a deep breath take your time and make sure you are getting rid of something for a good reason. After all you bought it for a good reason! NO REGRETS

[Danielle_cder]

Purging=bad not only that, Tiz pricy. My hope is that no one has to do it go through it (I know some circumstances denote a purge) I guess think twice, three times b4 u get rid of gear that u spent money on... I've read a few posts it would be better to donate than just trash it...

[danielletorresani]

It's been a couple of years since my last purge. Thankfully it wasn't one of those purges I regretted immediately...or at all, really. I kinda needed to do it at that time in my life. I've definitely had that purge I immediately regretted, though, many times. Mostly I was able to recover it out of the trash/dumpster that night or the next morning...sometimes I wasn't. I think at this point, purging might only be a thing of the past...

[Nanaya]

I guess I'm lucky that I only have my one, male persona. With no inner conflict, it's easier not to have things like guilt and shame and stuff. But no matter what, it's important to accept who we are, so I think it's great that you are accepting.

[Beverley Sims]

I have gone three purges,
When my mother found out...all gone..
When my mother found out again... all gone again...
I had an argument with my wife....all gone again!!!...
Another argument with my wife....and 50 percent recovered....
That was all years ago...I lost some great stuff that could not be replaced although it may have been preserved with the mothballs by now anyway.

[CassandraSmith]

So much sadness. I've purged two times. The last one as a few years ago and my intent was to put everything in tightly sealed plastic, drive a hundred miles and bury it so I would take a break. I ended up putting it in a dumpster and within a couple of days knew it was the worst thing I could have done. I lost some vintage stuff of my mom's (got it by making Goodwill runs) and some earrings and a choker that a GF gave me. Still gets me to this day.

Now I know better; never again.

BTW, I made the decision a couple of years ago to be happy as a CD and it's stuck.

[Ariamythe]

I've never owned enough things at once to really "purge", though any item I've claimed as my own has been transitory and usually discarded after one shame spiral or another. :(

[suzy1]

I have never had any need to purge. I have never had any feelings of guilt over C.D.ing.
Sometimes I almost feel like I am missing out on something when I read these posts.

But I’m not am I?

Suzy feeling smug:smug:

[rachel_rachel]

I've done it a few times myself, Last time was going on 10 years ago. My wife got sick of it and threatened to leave me with a new house and no way of paying the bills.
I got rid of half of it to keep the peace. T

Times before i'd bag everything up and take to a charity bin, then that night i'd be back there getting stuff back plus whatever else ended up on top of it while i was getting mine back. One time i knew the pick up cycle on the bins so i dumped stuff the night before knowing that i'd not anything back of mine, I scored a nice pair of shoes that night, then i started my collection again.

[Cheryl T]

It's funny, but I can't remember a Purge that I didn't regret immediately.....guess that's all part of that old cycle.

[Rebecca W.]

Purging, thank God, is no longer in my psychological makeup. My therapist, advisor, counselor, everything has helped me so much with regards to overcoming inner conflict, shame etc. So, no more purging, but I recall the purges that were the most painful. Once I had splurged and went out shopping for some great outfits, I remember buying some sexy dresses, heels, wigs, nylons etc.

Back then, my wardrobe was limited to how much I could hide. Today, thank the Lord, I have a wonderful wardrobe for which I am grateful for. Desperation shopping, heels way too high, dresses way too short, you know what I mean.

Rushed home to try them on, one thing led to another, read in between the lines, and I got hit with such an attack of guilt and shame, it overwhelmed me, found myself in that place in my head filled with regret and terrible sadness, I decided the only remedy from all this horrible guilt and shame was purging. I threw everything away, newly bought items, next day I came to my senses ran down stairs to the alley where I had thrown everything out looking for my stuff. It was gone, not a trace, hosiery, shoes, dresses.

Thankfully it has been years since I have ever felt such a terrible low in guilt and shame. I would especially experience guilt when compelled to masterbate, you know what I mean, if you are honest. If not don't worry about it.

Today, no matter how my evening ends up I am completely accepting of who I am. It has taken a long time but I am quite comfortable in my own skin, and my pantyhose too lol :) Guilt and Shame free :)

Hi Tiffany,

Your story brought back my memories of the purges from the sudden shopping sprees. All of the guilt just overwhelmed me and I have purged so many beautiful items over the years. I am still working on the guilt factor and with my fellow cross dressers on here, I have a better understanding of who I really am. Denial and guilt are tough to deal with but I am really trying to work through it all.

If was not for my discovery of this wonderful resource (cross dressers.com) I would be in a much darker state of mind. Everyone is so wonderful on here and I cannot think of a better place for Rebecca to express herself.

[BillieJoEllen]

I only purged twice. The first time was when I went off to Viet Nam. In case something happened to me over there I didn't want anyone finding my 'stuff' so I drove far out in the country and found a little woods and deposited my stuff behind some obscure trees. When I went to check that place out all my stuff was gone. Not a trace. It was protected from the elements enough to be there when I got back to reclaim it. I was very sad.

My second purge was when my wife wanted to move back in with me after we were separated for a year. She wanted me to get rid of all my girly stuff. I only got rid of 'some' stuff and hid the rest. She was satisfied when she came back and saw that my closet was empty.

[Maria S]

I think we've all gone through this in one way or another. A couple of times when driving to work with "Maria" in a dustbin bag she has been dumped in a bin on the pavement. I've still ended up going out and buying more. Also since I met my wife I did have a couple of goes at giving Maria up which both lasted a few months. I even threw away £300 boobs, the ones that women who have had mastectomies buy. In the end I started trying on my wife's clothes when she was not around. Then I thought this is ridiculous. I bucked up the courage and told her that I needed Maria back in my life forever. She was really cool and now my wife, Maria and I have gone from strength to strength.

Maria

[dyane]

I know all to well about purging. Just recently i got rid of almost $2000 worth of really pretty clothes. Well like they say the desire never leaves and just yesterday i went and bought a new bra and panties. STARTING OVER SUCKS!

[CassandraSmith]

I have never had any need to purge. I have never had any feelings of guilt over C.D.ing.
Sometimes I almost feel like I am missing out on something when I read these posts.

But I’m not am I?

Suzy feeling smug:smug:

For me, it was a act of deep wounding from a fear of never being worthy of being loved and accepted. I am truly so glad that some people don't have to experience that. I wish I could have met this group when I was younger and saved myself years of torment.

[Adrienna]

Yes! Starting over truly sucks!!!! But it can be exciting too.....gotta create that right attitude!!!

[NicoleScott]

My third and last purge was about 20 years ago. The worst purge was the one when I threw out my most and best stuff, like 3 pairs of perfectly-fitting killer high heels, in red, black, and white. Sure wish I had some of that stuff back.

By the way, upgrading to a new size or style isn't purging. Making room for more clothes is culling. Purging is the sudden (and, as it turns out, ill-advised) attempt to quit crossdressing cold turkey, like throwing that just-opened pack of cigarettes out the car window, only to buy more later that day. Been there, done that.