Wife wavering on acceptance... Any thoughts?

[Allison Chaynes]

So I decided a few months ago to do the counseling thing to see where I am, I know I am more than a CD but I don't want to have a sex change. Well, my wife has known about some of it for years and agreed to see the counselor separately. She slowly became accepting of me wearing panties years ago as long as I never wanted to live full time as a woman and no one else ever found out. Then about four years ago she found my copy of My Husband Betty and told me it was OK if I wanted to wear more than just lingerie, but under the same conditions. I gave it to her to read and I think she made it to page 2. Well, after the first couple sessions with the counselor (we discussed some other things like anger issues) I realized we needed to talk more so I told her this was more than CD. She seemed OK. She started reading My Husband Wears My Clothes the night before she saw the therapist for the one and only time, and read maybe one chapter. The therapist told me she is likely still in denial. So we talked afterward and she told me she does not really like it but understands it's not something I can quit. She admitted she likes it in the bedroom but that's mostly it. A couple days after that talk, I pointed out to her that the last thing I want to do is embarass her and that if she looks at my wardrobe, I don't dress "****ty" and I have only been out en femme once, to a Womanless Beauty Review to raise money for cancer. I told her I am perfectly fine being and dressing as a stay at home housewife, which she seemed happy with and kissed me.

Fast forward to last weekend. Her sister, who is out of the closet as lesbian, visits us. While the wife is at work we started talking and I learned that the wife told her all about my femme side. Then I find out her sister's girlfriend is actually MTF TG and in the process of transitioning. Needless to say we bonded, and I even dressed up the last night she was here and it was the first time I did not feel awkward about it. I felt I could be pretty open with her. We even discussed the fact that my wife admitted to each of us she is bi. Well, the wife returns from visiting family later that week and we talked a little about it. Then she commented that her sister's GF was "trans" which is "weird but I guess that works for her."

Fast forward to yesterday. This year, no lingerie for Christmas but she did give me some clip on earrings and some beauty products.

Anyway I am completely confused. What I am wondering is if maybe she should see the counselor and see if maybe she is having trouble accepting the fact that she has an attraction to women, and maybe that would help her be more accepting? If so I am not sure how she would react to me telling her that. Any thoughts?

[kimdl93]

Gosh, give the lady some room to digest and adjust. It seems by her actions and remarks that she's doing a pretty good job...maybe just not on your timetable. Keep her happy in e bedroom and try to be more patient outside of the bedroom.

[DanaR]

I agree with Kim, give her some time. It sounds like she is doing fine.

[tiffanyjo89]

I think it might be a combination of her being in denial about her self and her feeling like she married a man but now has a girlfriend instead of a husband. Let her know that you are still her man, but be gentle with her and she'll probably come around. Like was already mentioned, she is going to have a timetable that is probably not yours, let that be.

[mikiSJ]

You've got arms and legs going in a lot of directions and if you are not careful, someone might end up with a black eye.

I would suggest you may want to find a separate counselor and do some couple counseling so you know the ground rules - for both of you!

I am suggesting a separate counselor as my counselor will not see both my wife and myself, since she considers me to be her client. We will probably investigate some of her recommendations. There are issues that are private and there are issues that need to be worked out with a S/O.

[jillleanne]

I was doing ok with your post until I read the final paragraph. That is quite an assumption if based on what you wrote above it. I think it best you just chill a bit and allow her some space on all this. If she has questions, answer her honestly but I would say any suggestions by you to her may put her into a tailspin.

[Allison Chaynes]

Thanks for the feedback. I make this assumption based on what her sister pretty much said after what she went through, plus hell I've known her for 12+ years and what turns her on behind closed doors. There's more to it, she grew up in a solidly Baptist home and her family is fighting with each other because they think her sister is evil after coming out, I think she fears that. But yeah I am trying to give it time, it's just that it seems like it's weird that it takes so long to gain acceptance after the way her sister is pefectly fine with it. Thanks again for being a sounding board!

[tiffanyjo89]

Hey, sometimes even people who seem to be accepting still have moments of doubt about themselves. Even though she probably is fully aware that she didn't create it, I think she is really worried about what her parents are gonna think (all grown people still, for some reason, deep down inside, seek their parent's approval about stuff).

Also, you mention her being from a Baptist background...even though she has a lesbian sister who is dating a trans individual. She probably catches a lot of crap from family members. Also, she is probably worried about what her friends will think. She bought you some earrings and some products for Christmas, she's trying. Plus, how many wives receive lingerie as a Christmas gift from their husband? It's even weirder for a woman to do it for someone she views as a man.

Ultimately, let her have some time. She'll most likely come around, as she has a sister who she is able to talk to about stuff and her sister's girlfriend will probably be able to provide some help in understanding some things. Like I've said though, in the bed and in other things, let her know you're still her man. She might be questioning whether or not you want to be a woman.

[Allison Chaynes]

All valued feedback, but would any GG's care to weigh in?

[Melissa_59]

Agree with the other ladies - give her some room, please. It sounds like things are coming along but the last thing you need is to seem pushy.

~Melissa

[ReineD]

We even discussed the fact that my wife admitted to each of us she is bi.
When did she admit this, was it after she found out that you crossdress? Also, has she ever had a relationship with, or had sex with another woman?



Anyway I am completely confused. What I am wondering is if maybe she should see the counselor and see if maybe she is having trouble accepting the fact that she has an attraction to women, and maybe that would help her be more accepting? If so I am not sure how she would react to me telling her that. Any thoughts?

No. Sexual attraction has absolutely nothing to do with acceptance of cross-gender expression. I have a female friend who is bi. She has had sexual and romantic relationships with both men and women. She told me that she likes her men to be men, and her women to be women. IMO, there are just as many bi women as hetero women, who accept cross-gender expression. Likewise, there are bi and hetero women for whom it is a turn off.

If, however, your dressing was just a sexual kink in the beginning, a way to have fun in the bedroom and nothing more, or at least if this was your wife's impression, then many women are open to this. What woman would not be open to things that help her husband feel, um, more frisky? There are many stories in this forum, from CDers who say their wives were OK with the panties, hose, and whatnot in the bedroom in the beginning, but they cooled down when they discovered the dressing was more than a harmless kink.

So rather than try to guess how your wife feels, or try to manipulate her into feeling a certain way through seeing counselors, why don't you simply ASK her what is her understanding of your cross-gender expression, and how does she feel about it both in and out of the bedroom. And then you can both go from there.

[WIFE GG/SO]

I'm a GG married to a crossdresser. You say that you know that this is more than just crossdressing. That would worry me immensely if my hubby said that to me. I would worry that he wants to be a woman full time. Maybe you need to explain this to her better. I've found that the truth is usually not as scary as my thoughts and fears. Be honest with her in expressing what you need.

Di

[Allison Chaynes]

Thanks for the insights. Reine, she told me that she was bi while we were still dating. She's clear on how I feel about myself and where I am, which she SAYS she's ok with. I think there are other things like work and kids causing a lot of added stress right now that are also impacting us. I hope I did not come across as trying to manipulate. I just want her to at least try to understand at least what is going on and see that it's not the evil that she's been socialized to see it as. You and WIFE have given me some godd insight and discussion points. Thank you.

[Allison Chaynes]

Please pardon the typing- $&@n smartphone keypad!

[Bo-peep]

Wavering on acceptance? Your wife has already been very accepting.... as a GG I would be most concerned if my SO told me ''this is more than cd'' .... what are you actually trying to say? ''More than CD'' conjures images of terror for me ... I want my man to be my man ... I accept his cding but fear its progression.

[Bonnie84]

I agree with many of the other posters: you have to define to her what you mean by "more than CDing." To me I read it as wanting to transition or live as a woman full time. I know you said you don't want SRS, but you do need to be as clear as possible with her so that she has a good understanding. When I had the talk with my fiance I had to clarify that it is more of a bedroom thing. I told her I'm not sure how it will develop but I certainly don't want to transition or live as a woman. I enjoy both my feminine and masculine sides. At the same time I wasn't able to answer all her questions with specifics. There was more than one occasion when discussing my CDing that the most honest answer I could muster was "I don't know".

In regards to her Baptist upbringing and the fear of the family's opinions, how does she feel about her sister's homosexuality or your CDing relative to her spiritual upbringing? Does she harbor the same feelings as her family or is it that she is fearful of the same drama that was brought about when her sister came out as lesbian? There is a religious/spiritual group on here that may prove helpful if that is a concern.

Outside of being clear and honest, relax. I know it can be hard, but give her time and space to sort things out. Sounds like she is more supportive and accepting than many wives who've married CDers.

[Beverley Sims]

I wonder where you are now. As far as the situation goes.
I would still take it slowly with your wife, you have others to talk to now and as your wife slowly accepts it or is she likely to want to go with a friend considering she is bi.
Getting her to see the counselor again could be difficult. It is worth a try.

[Petra_Briar]

My wife has her days as well and I have learned not to push but enjoy the times when she is okay with everything and not push it when I sense it is not the right time....occasionally I get it wrong but it has worked very well lately.

[Stephanie47]

Jessica, there's two areas of confusion appearing. One is defining to a GG what is means when you say "It was more than CD."

Second, although your wife may have expressed an interest in bi-sexual activity, that does not mean she has engaged in sex outside the marital bonds. It's one thing to have a fantasy of extra-marital sex with a female or a male, and, it's another thing to act on the fantasy.

Your wife may be comfortable with you acting as a woman in the bedroom to fulfill her fantasies, kind of "Chicks with ---."

Perhaps she has reached her threshold of acceptance, and, you have not yet reached your unknown degree of presentation. Living with a guy presenting as a woman 24/7 is a lot more than just bedroom play.

I agree with the comment that each spouse should have his or her own counselor.

[Allison Chaynes]

We are seeing the same counselor separately and basically I don't see the need to go back right now. I saw her Monday to work through my job loss (I don't even know why I was let go last week, wasn't even explained, a lot of legal issues this whole thing has raised) but we barely touched on the CDing aspect of things. As far as the wife goes, we are agreeing to let me have one full day a week when the kids aren't around, and then in bed we have our fun too. There are stress issues for her that have impacted us, the CDing is the least of which. Basically I feel I'm dual gendered or whatever the word is, and I'm fine living as a male most of the time in most respects. The wife suggested that it's possible that there could be a genetic basis for it. I've looked into Klinefelter's syndrome, and I understand there are other issues out there. I think no matter what, she'd love me, she seems mostly concerned about what others would think. I'd never want to put her in a position that's too much for her to handle. As far as she goes, she does want to talk to the counselor about her own sexuality, and she has been with a woman once before we met. I'm taking the slow approach as many of you have suggested and not pushing anything.

[Amanda M]

I'm not entirely sure that is appropriate for you both to be seeing the same counselor, unless of course, it is as a couple. There is a real potential for a conflict of interest on the counselor's part.

Best,
Amanda