dual people

[GabbiSophia]

the daily mind screw of being two people is a harsh thing. I have read plenty about being yourself and coming out or transitioning because you have to. In this early stage of self awareness I am in I have to say that it is a damn big A%$ fight in ones mind. Having to sit around and pretend while you figure out yourself and what you need to do is a real crappy thing. There is no easy button and I don't want one but dang I wish I knew what I was going to do in the future so I could ease my mind into one role because two minds suck!!! Sitting here typing as a guy and all I see is female.. this isn't a pink fog cause my mind is grey!! it is very tiring to give off the look of the heavy male person that everyone sees and expects out of me when that burden is actually becoming sooo heavy. It is not funny how everyone around expects you to "man up" and just take everything that piles on you and all them be happy. I guess it is not ok for a "man" to be happy either. ahhh just more ramblings from me I guess. I really don't know how to give up on anything but sometimes I wonder if I could bury all this so deep that I could just hide it forever. well whatever its time to go do some heavy lifting and stuff cause people expect me too....

[Andy66]

Hmmm... So, who expects you to be Super Manly Man? And why do you feel you have to live up to those expectations? What would happen if you refused to, or couldnt?

[Rogina B]

You aren't alone on those "beast of burden" feelings. Sometimes I wonder "what's in it for me?"The treadmill of responsibilities,and doing what others expect is often overwhelming,mostly all in the pursuit of earning a good living for my family. I am self employed and busy,which everyone views as "a good thing"..yes,it is,but a break doesn't hurt either.

[kellykellykelly]

Then don't be two people.

Easier said than done? Not if your life depended on it.

Sometimes the motivation to act comes at the end of the rope that shows you your at the end of your life if you don't act.

[melissakozak]

I hear you sister. Thing is, I don't let other people tell me what a man should be or not be, so it keeps me from feeling any gender pressure. Being trans is hard, with or without transition. In the end, we are transpeople. Self acceptance is most important, and once you find your resting place, then you can feel who you are.

[GabbiSophia]

Who expects it? Anyone that relies on me. Family work others. I am self employed also. There are no breaks. I live it better than answering to a boss but geez a break would be nice. Kelly I refuse to get to the end of my rope and that's why I am frustrated. I will not walk that path. No clue what would happen if I just refused or couldn't. Guess no food or home then. Somedays I think about that though. Still no answer on that though.

[Andy66]

No clue what would happen if I just refused or couldn't. Guess no food or home then.
I get that youre burned out. I dont know that thats a manly man thing, or just a human thing though. I hope you can find someone to at least talk to, maybe make a few changes in your life.

[kimdl93]

instead of viewing yourself as two conflicted parts, how about trying to integrate everyting that you are into one package...regardless of how you're dressed and what you think people expect. Think of something you could and are willing to do, right now, to express yourself as the person you are.

[danielleinbr]

You are correct that conflicting thoughts and emotions can be exhausting and aggravating. This is something I think all of us can relate to. Most of the expectations people have and did have of me were actually self imposed. Expanding on Kim's post you may see you mind as 2 parts, but they need to be somewhat integrated, in fact they are integrated simply those 2 parts together make you who you are. Does that make sense? When I too look in a mirror I see my females self, not a guy. Anyway, a therapist I had long ago told me once to try looking at myself from a different perspective...This may sound silly to some but those years of trying to understand myself I used to simply think of myself as a woman pretending to be a man. It helped me, now when I look in the mirror I am happy with whatever appearance is staring back at me, because I know who is inside ;) I hope this post doesnt sound too crazy, lol
Hugs
Danielle

[StephanieC]

I like Kimdll93's comment...trying to integrate. But I think that's a challenge. For me, I actually have two almost separate lives. But it does allow me a chance to breathe. For me, that was the first step.

-stephani

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you have it bad it seems to me..

one thing i'd avoid (if possible) is trying to predict too far into your future..you will have lots of questions and concerns but the key issue now is self discovery...and that's a day by day thing...

you need to meet transsexual women in real life...talk to them and find out what it's really like...stop thinking of yourself as two people or getting all caught up in the imponderables of this...gosh do i know how hard that is...but you have to be patient, practical and methodical...if not, things will go against you...if you can't bear the thought of being looked at ...either get used to it by going out , or save up for ffs... start electrolysis... i plucked one eyebrow hair a day for 6 months lol....literally... i didn't want people to "notice"...whatever it takes to give you time to get your act together.... trust me , if you are not ts, all of this will get old VERY fast...all the patience, all the $$, all the time, all the ouchies will not ring true to you... you will start to wonder why you are doing it and you will have saved yourself ...if you are ts...then it will all feel like you are finally doing something for yourself, and that feeling will guide you towards next steps

you can't predict how people will act...the weight of the world is NOT on your shoulders...your responsibilities are real, but way to many of us have kept up with responsibilities and transitioned to use that as an excuse...if you can't then that's about you and not about your nature... that's why you need to figure out little steps to help yourself NOW

ifyou transition, you have to risk it all but its likely you won't lose it all.. you do have to give up control and power in your family and job life...that's what you gotta do...not willing or able? then you have to face what that's about ...one thing for sure is that it helps to be as confident as possible that you are doing the right thing for yourself..

[NathalieX66]

I love both sides of me. I want to be and look as gender ambiguous as possible. I already met with a gender counselor anyway. We are working things out.

[Badtranny]

you have it bad it seems to me...

...but you just got some damn excellent advice from Kait.

Holy cow Kaitlyn that was one excellent post. I'm not even gonna try to add anything to that one.

[DebbieL]

The good news is that the day will come, when you will begin to embrace every aspect of your personality, every talent, every skill, every emotion. You know that there are some skills that you had to develop to survive as a male, and there are other skills and personality aspects that you developed, and hid, as part of your feminine side. Keep in mind that the woman is inside all the time, whether you are wearing a skirt and heels, or baggy pants, ugly shoes, and a baggy button down shirt.

For me, the male was mostly to survive, to avoid being beaten when they called me "Sissy". I had to act like the other boys, and I had to do things the other boys did, even talk like the other boys, whether I liked it or not. There were a few things I enjoyed, but so much had to be given up. The force to fight.

How much I envied the girls, who could laugh, giggle, and cry. They could wear pretty clothes, hug each other, do slumber parties and sleepovers together. They shared many common experiences.

But at the same time, it made me aware of many privileges I enjoyed and experienced as a male. The respectful nods as I walked down the street, both given and received, the small amount of time it took to get dressed, to be ready.

But I also became aware of sexism in a whole new way. Most amusing was when someone would use masculine terms to define admirable human qualities. Terms like:
"Takes balls to wear an outfit like that" - No, it take COURAGE to do it, it takes courage for a woman do wear it too.
"Man Up" - Do you mean take responsibility far past actions and takes the necessary actions required to do the results?

And feminine terms like "bitch", "****", "ball-buster", or "girlie" - various put-downs intended to intimidate women who exhibited courage, honesty, integrity, or compassion.

There are a couple of books written by transsexuals that cover this same type of awareness. If you'd like I can look them up for you.

[ReineD]

It is not funny how everyone around expects you to "man up" and just take everything that piles on you and all them be happy. I guess it is not ok for a "man" to be happy either. ahhh just more ramblings from me I guess.

You're describing exactly how I felt over the Holidays with my family, except in my case I suppose one would say that I was expected to "woman up" (keep my mouth shut, do what was expected of me, be strong, not let others know what I need because it bothers them when I do), all the while feeling as if my relationships are unequal. I do feel that I give a lot to people who are unwilling to give in return. It's nice to say that we should all just speak up and let others know how we feel, but it can take a long time to change a lifetime of relationship patterns. And sadly, often the people in our lives do not want to listen and they get upset when their comfy little worlds get messy.

I'm just saying this because I don't see a big difference between the genders, when it comes to "manning" or "womanning" up. We all do what we have to do. Except probably the difference between you and me is, I go to my room and cry about it. But, the others in my life don't know this.

The solution of course is to establish boundaries with others and begin to prioritize ourselves. I'll work on this.

[noeleena]

Hi

Dual people or dual role, & man up.

One i dont understand the Man up. i dont know what its like to be a full man so thats out .

Dual role trying to be two people like one now & the other tomorow again no idear .simple terms like a dresser all dressed up to the nines then act out being a like a woman, ether you are a woman or not or the male

Now Dual people or a dual person to be both at the same time that i know, 65 years of, yet how much of ether, that becomes a detail i had to see in myself, being intersex does change things in every way posible that i know,

I never tryed to be a male let alone man up. yes i worked under men was told what to do. hated it yet knew if i wonted to get any where i had to. hated being around men ((( sorry ))) hated your guts, background to all that,

I was happy being different i knew what i was / am. never an issue, fact is i thought i was normal. found out many years later how wrong that was, was it really wrong no i was just born different,

My difference to you is i knew what i was going to do age 10. i knew i was female even though i was percived as male yea well....cant help that, the time came for that to happen contray to some, i may add,

What was expected of myself get married did that we have 3 grown up kids & 9 grandkids, well at least we did get something that was really neat, lovely in fact. work i really enjoyed my work building , i never ever pretended , what i could not do was explain i was intersex , why, we did not know what the word was or what it ment, so i could not express myself in the way i should have been able to.

life can be a burden when you let it become one, i did not, i enjoyed most of what i did & do, im not as strong as i was thats because of age 65, not because im a woman i can still do what i need to, meds have not sapped my strength .

Okay the heavy stuff learn as i did because of injurys over the years, being a builder 46 years, had surgerys so had to stop dead in my tracks could not do a thing for months, so put brain out of gear, get it,,,, stop.... take time out. & then when youv recovered pace your self take a little longer, i was selfemployed so i do know what its like many years ,

Tell people back off i need a bloody rest, ...TELL THEM.....i did . & do. other wise youll be a cot case , think about what im saying , iv told others , ether they burn out as said or thier body collapses . iv had to pace myself because i may well be in a wheelchair, if i had not, im serous ....

Have a mental breakdown try that & see how it goes....dont bother its not worth it, & then you wont be doing any thing any way. youll be so sapped of every thing . then try getting better a long time to do that, your friends wont ask you then, will they,

look after your self take care of what you do & think ahead because you will wish you had, very soon ,

I belive its time for you to change tracks . just take care as you do,

...noeleena...