Coming Out Errors

[kimdl93]

Over the several years that I've been part of the forum, I've read may threads recently by individuals who came out to their SO and had very unhappy results. Sometimes, they felt that their wife or GF was initially accepting, then changed unexpectedly.

I've observed a few things that seem to be a few common "mistakes" made by indvidiudals when they first come out:

1) Not telling enough - as in saying : "honey, I like wearing womens clothes" - and nothing more
2) Telling too much in that first conversation, perhaps while in the grips of the dreaded pink fog.
3) Its all about "me". Thinking only of themselves and their feelings, without giving any thought to what their SO might be feeling.
4) Lack of preparation - this might include not getting to know your SO, not thinking about what you're going to say or what questions she might ask.
5) Timing - there are good times to talk and not so good times to talk. Christmas eve might not be one of those times.

Anyone else like to suggest a few coming out errors.

[Michelle 51]

Not sure there is a set pattern for this.Some wives accept ,some only tolerate,some hate it but stay married and others will have nothing to do with it and divorce.Big problem is trying to know which one your married to and how much to tell and see what reaction it gets you.No backing up once you go there .I agree whatever you do Christmas eve isn't the time to jump out of the closet in a skirt and heels.

[Eryn]

I think that one mistake often made is that the SO is not made aware of the gravity of the situation before it is discussed.

Treating it too lightly gives her the impression that being TG is a simple fetish or hobby, something that is voluntary. This leads her to the thought that, if she really puts her foot down, you will be "cured." An alternative thought is that you consider your trivial "hobby" to be more important than her. Neither of these impressions is good, and they can lay the seeds for problems down the road.

It is very important, before commencing "the talk," to tell her that you need to talk to her about something important that has been bothering you. Then discuss it from the angle of what you *are*, not what you *do*.

[Cheryl T]

6. In bed after sex...not the best time.
7. Leaving photos of yourself dressed "hidden" but not that well, or still in the camera.

[reb.femme]

Having just read Kelly Smith's coming out to her wife, numbers 1, 4 and 5 are bang on the money........unfortunately!

[May(be)]

Be on hormones for 9 months already and forget to mention it... WHOOPS!!

[kimdl93]

Michelle comment suggests

8) Deciding to surprise your wife en femme before 'the talk'

And as per May(be):

9 going on HRT without telling...or after promising not to do so.

[Angela Campbell]

I would say the biggest error is coming out at all before you make the decision that it is better to come out knowing it may very well end the marriage and cause a horrible disruption in not only your life but all around you. Are you ready to permanently change almost everything in your life and in the lives of everyone you know? What are the consequences of opening up compared to the consequences of not doing so? Are you willing to accept the absolute worst case scenario? It may not come to that but are you ready to accept it?

As far as getting caught it takes some care as well...

1 keep no items around the house
2 never take pictures
3 never go to websites like this one
4 only dress away from home and bring none of it home
5 never wear her stuff

[Lynn Marie]

Consider that your SO is going to feel that you've been deceiving her and cheating on her with another woman. You! Now that you know this, is your marriage strong enough to handle it?

[kimdl93]

I would say the biggest error is coming out at all before you make the decision that it is better to come out knowing it may very well end the marriage and cause a horrible disruption in not only your life but all around you.

I see a problem here. It presumes that things will go catastrophically wrong. I submit that the catastrophe is more often the way one comes out, rather than some inevitable consequence of coming out.

Sure, there are people who hold rigid prejudices against transgenderism, and there are relationships that are already failing for other reasons, and coming out in these instances may hasten the presumed inevitable. But I would also submit that hiding and lying are fraught with even greater risks than clumsy attempts at honesty.

[Eryn]

I would say the biggest error is coming out at all before you make the decision that it is better to come out knowing it may very well end the marriage and cause a horrible disruption in not only your life but all around you. Are you ready to permanently change almost everything in your life and in the lives of everyone you know?

These things may happen, but I think that the only person who was greatly affected by my coming out was my wife, and what has changed for her is mostly postive. The path I was on was not a good one mentally and now I am on a much healthier path. We get out more, have a better social life, and a greater understanding of each other. That understanding is what a marriage is all about.

I have also told my daughters, but it hasn't really affected their lives greatly. They know a bit more about their Dad, but their lives are now pretty much separate from mine.

[Lorileah]

Also "My way or the highway" attitude. Especially when people here tell the SO, "I can't help it, it is BORN into me...this is me and you HAVE to accept it"

Or the dreaded, "I am getting older, so live with it"

[Angela Campbell]

Eryn that is wonderful, but when one makes a decision like this you have to be prepared for if it goes the other way. Some will find it easier to work it out but there is always the chance it will not. You should be prepared for the worst before going in, and not automatically expect the best. I am glad it has been positive for you but I am sad for those who went into this and were surprised when their whole world came crashing down.

[Jenniferathome]

I think the lack of an objective understanding of your relationship is a killer. The fact that you are married doe snot mean you have a great relationship. As I have posted many times, if the foundation is not strong, cross dressing can provide the motivation or excuse to end that relationship. If the foundation is strong, you can get past it. Objectivity is hard.

[melanie206]

You have to assess the SO's knowledge of gender and sexuality and be prepared to explain how you fit into the two spectrums ( spectra? ).
Also, an initial non-negative response should not be considered a green light. There's an incubation period for the SOs ultimate attitude. You always hear people advise going slowly. Very true.

[Joann Smith]

Never go to your SO's family reunion wearing heels and mini skirt ...because its too hard to run, duck beer cans and look lady like in a outfit like that....


Joann

[abigailf]

I would add;
- do it as soon as you even suspect something, and
- never, ever ,ever, ever lie about any part of it, and
- if you have a chance to tell her/him, do it.
Like
"Why is this lipstick in your office desk?"
"I took it from the kids."
She is not over that I lied about that. The correct answer should have been "I was wearing it. We need to talk."

[Jana]

Another common error I've seen is being outed, instead of sitting down to talk and revealing the truth.

[Marleena]

Sometimes the biggest coming out error is..well... coming out.

[Jacqueline Winona]

The first four ar e spot on, but I'm not sure there ever is a good time to talk about this for the first time. Some times are worse than others, but this will more likely than not cause a lot of pain in your marriage no matter how strong it is before the talk. There really is no good answer IMO, hiding it is wrong unless your wife knows and wants you to keep it from her, but opening up and putting this on her plate isn't without its costs either.

[Lady Catherine]

As far as being accepted at first then seeming not to? I believe sometimes the person may try to do to much to fast, and this ends up overwhelming to SO to the point of "changing her mind" on the issue. Go slow and ease into it.

[kimdl93]

Sometimes the biggest coming out error is..well... coming out.

I really don't believe that coming out can be a mistake...although who, how and when you come out, may prove to be.

[Marleena]

I really don't believe that coming out can be a mistake...although who, how and when you come out, may prove to be.

Oh..just some of the horror stories here have me wondering.

I think some kind of feeling out process is required. If it's a spouse before you get married (if you know you are TG) is the best.

[SandraInHose]

I may have missed this if it had already been mentioned, but once you do decide to let your SO know, don't overload her with everything at once!

In other words, tell her when you feel the time is right, and IF she wants to see you dressed, then show her something conservative, not your skin-tight micro-mini bandage dress and 5" CFM heels.

And take it from me, do NOT push it! Even if she appears to be relatively accepting from the get-go, don't all of a sudden wake up the next day and think it's OK to dress all out. Hold back, and let her 'coax' it out of you...don't just assume she's ready to dive in head first. We've seen too many cases where the wife seemed OK at first, then after a short period of time they change their mind completely!

[ReineD]

Another big mistake is to wait too long to tell her.

If the CDing has already escalated to the point where you are secretive at times and ill-tempered (for not being able to dress) at other times, she will sense that something is wrong, even though she will not know what it is. She may fill in the blanks with her own explanations (you're having an affair or you don't love her anymore). If this goes on for awhile, she will have built up some resentments which will make it all the more difficult for her to approach the CDing with an open mind when she does find out.

[Frédérique]

1) Not telling enough - as in saying : "honey, I like wearing womens clothes" - and nothing more
2) Telling too much in that first conversation, perhaps while in the grips of the dreaded pink fog.
3) Its all about "me". Thinking only of themselves and their feelings, without giving any thought to what their SO might be feeling.
4) Lack of preparation - this might include not getting to know your SO, not thinking about what you're going to say or what questions she might ask.
5) Timing - there are good times to talk and not so good times to talk. Christmas eve might not be one of those times.

I just want to say that these are all well-observed points. I don’t have an SO any longer, but I have “come out” to my girlfriend (an SO at the time) and various loved ones over the years…

It’s too bad that you can’t say, “I like wearing women’s clothes…” and just leave it at that, but I guess this simple statement must really baffle women. I think it’s a good, honest, truthful ice-breaker, a first step towards a longed-for discussion about crossdressing. It’s also a good litmus test to see if you should go any further, or withdraw back from whence you came. Watch those facial expressions carefully! Personally, I really want to say too much about what I do, because, from my perspective, crossdressing is a very interesting thing! I soon find out that nobody can appreciate (or reciprocate) my passion, except other MtF crossdressers, so my effort to engage a living, breathing woman on the topic at hand will always be stillborn. Each time I told someone about my crossdressing, I can honestly say that I wasn’t under the influence of “pink fog,” but I was perhaps hoping to be swept away by pink acceptance. Think again…

You learn a lot about how people think, i.e. their prejudices in regards to alternative sexuality or alternative thinking, or even alternative existence, when you disclose something secret and private. I learned the hard way to keep my secrets hidden, in fact I don’t plan on spilling the proverbial CD beans for the rest of my life! The problem is, most people are like birds in a cage, bound by convention, and they can’t see past the cuttlefish bone – some dare, and some don’t, and those who don’t really wish you wouldn’t. How can a woman be a true “significant other” if she doesn’t share your sense of adventure, or daring, or need to break out of gender constraints? To my way of thinking, insignificance reigns, and the MtF crossdresser suffers because of it. As for timing, I would wait until someone is “primed” and ready to hear something they will inevitably not believe, or not want to hear in the first place. Such moments can be measured in nano-seconds. My advice is to NOT say anything – when they come to you for information you can confirm and deny nothing or everything. You hold all the imaginary cards, after all, as a supposedly "dominant" male…
:straightface:

[Kelly Smith]

Anyone else like to suggest a few coming out errors.

Accepting advice from people who only think they know you and your situation. That's a killer. Use your own brain.

[Sophia Frances]

It seems, just based on some of the posts here, that one of the biggest errors is actually...coming out at all.

[xdressed]

It seems, just based on some of the posts here, that one of the biggest errors is actually...coming out at all.

But for many, not coming out could be much worse.

I would say that dressing when you come out is a bad idea in most cases, especially in regards to your SO or close friends and family

[Jenniferathome]

It seems, just based on some of the posts here, that one of the biggest errors is actually...coming out at all.

No, that's a cop out. Everyone who has not come out to an SO lives in fear of being found out and shame for having to hide. THAT is a terrible burden. If this forum shows anything, there are more positives and negatives. The What, When, Why of the conversation is key.

I'll add one more "mistake" about coming out. Some expectation that your SO should understand when you tell her. Your only expectaion on her reaction should be, "WTF?!?!?" Then the work starts.

[STACY B]

OK,,, I got one ,,, CAKE ----- Her Birthday ,,,, Big CAKE ,,, Dressed to the nines ,,, All of her friends an Family ,, She walks in ,,

You Jump out of the cake --- SURPRISE ----- Bad choice also !! Just saying ?

[Loni]

do not be sitting on the couch in a dress when she comes home from work.

[Wonderwho]

Lets look at the other side of this. Are you as a CDer looking for peace in your life, if you want to continue to sneak around and hide a portion of your life from the woman who is a major portion of your life, Dont tell her, live in confusion and anguish.
If you want to find a life that will make you happy and in turn help your relationship with your SO , tell her, slowly and with care.
It will be not be as bad if you are truthfull, we all can live with the truth, lies will destroy your life faster than any other thing that can happen.
Be truthfull and humble, it is also your life your looking out for.
Wonderwho

[Jacqueline Winona]

It seems, just based on some of the posts here, that one of the biggest errors is actually...coming out at all.

I can't disagree with that, there are so many posts here, stories and/or posts elsewhwere, that support it. Nobody is (or should) tell you to lead a double-life, lie, etc. for )good reasons. But the "you have to tell" line of thinking isn't that much different, or necessarily better, to be brutally honest. Coming out to a spouse (pre-marriage is a different story IMO) who is completely unsuspecting is devestating to many marriages. Your duties as a husband don't end with being honest, your supposed to also protect, defend, and make the marriage work. Introducing CD into a marriage is just very, very tough.
My best estimate is that 50-50% of wives are never going to accept this part of you, no matter how hard you try. If this is a part of your life you just can't hide (meaning you NEED to dress every day, need to be femme most of the time), then your in a different spot than those who just look at dressing is "something I do once in a while." This is truly a decision every individaul has to make, for themselves, and I try not to criticise any decision.

[jules]

Not being honest with you wife when she askes you questions.
Not letting her ask questions.
! What about me! Attitude
Not being honest with who you are befor you tell her.
Respect her wishes and dont do things you said you wouldn't.
Not taking the advice of others who have been down this road.

The last one is the worst I think. I was taught there was no shame in asking for help because there is always someone else that knows a little more then you.
That was from my father.

Jules

[UNDERDRESSER]

There are some generally good GUIDELINES here. But which ones you apply, and how, ARE YOUR DECISION.

You know your situation, your wants and needs, your SO. WE DON'T.

I feel I was extremely fortunate, not in my GF's reaction, but meeting her at all. I decided to tell her when I realized how much I wanted this to work ( even before she accepted me as a BF ) I was virtually certain she wouldn't out me, and I was fairly certain that she could deal with it, and hopeful that it wouldn't be a problem for her. I really didn't want to start a relationship without total honesty, and told her so, then blurted out "I'm a crossdresser!" Her response? "Oh cool!"

This doesn't mean that everyone should do it, and probably not in the way I did it anyway. But I do feel that honesty is the way to go if you feel you can accept the risks involved.

[AmyGaleRT]

I would say that dressing when you come out is a bad idea in most cases, especially in regards to your SO or close friends and family

In many cases, yes, but in some cases, no. You kind of have to play this by ear.

In my fiancee's case, the night I came out to her, I gave her all the information I could think of, meeting nothing but acceptance on her part. Finally, I just said, "About the only thing more I could do at this point is dress for you." She said, "Only if you wanna." (She was concerned how I'd feel about appearing dressed in front of her!) So I got out my clothes and dressed in the bathroom, then came into the bedroom...and she thought I looked more feminine than she did. From there, it turned into an impromptu "fashion show," as I changed into a few more outfits for her; she was supportive throughout.

Even now, I may dress in the bathroom and go into the other room, but, as soon as she knows I'm dressed (usually by her calling me and me responding in Amy-voice), she'll have me come out and show her. Which I do, giving her a little twirl to show off my outfit. She'll generally respond with a nice comment like "Cute dress!" I love those comments. :battingeyelashes:

- Amy

[MaidJamie]

I told my wife before we were married... A long time before.

I knew my desire to cross dress wasn't going to go away and I felt it only fair that she knew about that part of me... and had the choice to continue in the relationship or not.

Telling her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I feel very lucky she accepted that part of me. It hasn't been all smooth sailing but we have been able to integrate it into our relationship.

My recommendations (in addition to other the wisdom in this thread);

a. Honesty is the best policy. She will appreciate it.

b. Reveal it early in the relationship (once you get a sense of permanence) prior to marriage.

c. Take it slow.

[Sophia Frances]

No, that's a cop out. Everyone who has not come out to an SO lives in fear of being found out and shame for having to hide. THAT is a terrible burden. If this forum shows anything, there are more positives and negatives. The What, When, Why of the conversation is key..
whose burden is it though. It is true that some women are supportive....but it's alo true that others cannot cope with it, don't understand it or ont want to. I think it's naive to think otherwise and I also feel hat there isn't a "one size fits all" for this conversation.

The best advice I have heard so far is to just"know" your SO and go fom there.

[MonctonGirl]

I always wondered if there would be benefit in this prequalifying phase:

Come home with stunned look ... when SO asks "what's wrong"? say:

"One of the women at work is very upset because she found out
her husband is a crossdresser ... and then another woman at work
said "no worries ... so is mine" .... and I knew both of these guys
and never had any idea."

...then without asking any questions, WAIT for her reaction.

[Mindy More]

I'd like to add as a tip or two possibly. Do some research, read a book or 2 on the subject and have it handy for your SO in case she does want to learn more. Give her a few websites she might find of interest on the subject. Be ready for possible questions but don't push to give to much info all at once unless her questions lead upto that. At that point she is controlling the flow of information if she's asking questions. If your prepared you can answer them well, or just answer to the best of your ability. If you research on this site look at both the good and bad stories and get an idea of what kinda worked and what didn't. If you can meet with a few gurls who have come out to they're spouse. Even the unsuccessful stories can be inspiring. Learn from others mistakes and from they're triumphs.

I do wanna add. That you may want to make sure what your motives for telling your SO are and explain. I personally was feeling alot of shame and guilt about this part of me and about hiding it all from my wife. I told her about my shame and guilt and I was sorry for having to tell her. It was pretty painful to say but she understood and knew how it was affecting me. I had info ready to give to my wife when I told her and I don't think she's looked at it much if at all. But luckily for me she's been very accepting, lets me make tg friends, dress around the house, and takes our kids out of the house so I can do my makeup before I go out. I gotta say that's pretty awesome and it so much more than I ever thought it could be.

[PretzelGirl]

I was just going to reply with what Mindy said on giving her sources of information. But I am going to take it one step further. You have to frame who you are. This is a little tricky as you don't want to go overboard with too much information, but if you just say "I like to wear women's clothing" and then you send her off to read things, including this site, then everything she reads will apply to you. So you will have fetishes, you underdress, you will be wanting to take hormones, and you will be transitioning. Of course none of these things are bad, but it is unlikely that all things brought up here can apply to one individual. You don't want her to digest too much. Just read all the subjects here and ask if they apply to you. If you send her here to learn without any talk about the variety of who we are, then it all applies to you by default because she could be confused and scared and every word will hit her like a freight train.

The other thing I did for my wife and I do for everyone I come out to is offer the opportunity for them to tell someone else. I ask if I can know who it is so there are no awkward surprises, but unloading your secret on someone so that they have to keep the secret is not a good way to do this in my opinion. Yes, there is dangers in who they pick, but in all of my doing this it always has been the other half of a couple, someone out of state, or someone not in our core group of family/friends. So it never has been an issue.

[Jenniferathome]

whose burden is it though. It is true that some women are supportive....but it's alo true that others cannot cope with it, don't understand it or ont want to. I think it's naive to think otherwise and I also feel hat there isn't a "one size fits all" for this conversation.

The best advice I have heard so far is to just"know" your SO and go fom there.

Sophia, the burden is the cross dresser's for certain. I have never advocated one "has to" tell their SO but rather that honesty is the best policy. We will never know why some of the negative reactions of SOs have occurred, but I strongly suspect that the relationship was not strong enough to begin with. Cross dressing is weird. It is a stressor that only strong relationships can accommodate. And by "accommodate" I do not mean participate, support, or embrace. To me, "accommodate" is more than DADT.

[kimdl93]

It seems, just based on some of the posts here, that one of the biggest errors is actually...coming out at all.

What prompted this thread was the suggestion we often read, that coming out was a bad idea, in and of itself, because an individual didn't get the kind of response hoped for. I am willing to concede that some women have very deep seated, rigid and unchangeable opinions about CDing, Transgenderisim and gender issues in general. However, the objective in soliciting comments on "coming out errors" was to emphasize that IF YOU CHOOSE to come out to a loved one, or a friend for that matter, that there are a number of potential pitfalls. I think the majority of the comments have been provided in that vein.

The thread is not about whether or not its a good idea for an individual to come out. Each situation is unique. I could have initiated a thread on that subject, but it would likely have been a series of volley's and serves...pro and con....with lots of opinions expressed but little light shed on the merits. This thread is intended for those who realize that they must eventually come out to their wives or forever live with the nearly inevitable risk of being discovered. Once the decision is made to come out, then the question is "how" ...and conversely "how not". Anyone who has decided to comie out has received an abundance of advice here.

[Beverley Sims]

I think that coming out bluntly and not offering consideration or empathy in the first place would be very cruel.
To come out be kind, considerate, sympathetic and very understanding of the other persons point of view.
To express mistakes is a hard one for me as I would consider the situation first.
I never had to do it.

[Ressie]

I can see that if one's wife is already dissatisfied with the marriage finding out the husband is a CD will give her another reason (or excuse) to end the marriage. I surmise that's when disgruntled wives of CDs take action, i.e. leaving, filing for divorce, outing her hubby to everyone, etc.

[Sophia Frances]

What prompted this thread was the suggestion we often read, that coming out was a bad idea, in and of itself, because an individual didn't get the kind of response hoped for. I am willing to concede that some women have very deep seated, rigid and unchangeable opinions about CDing, Transgenderisim and gender issues in general. However, the objective in soliciting comments on "coming out errors" was to emphasize that IF YOU CHOOSE to come out to a loved one, or a friend for that matter, that there are a number of potential pitfalls. I think the majority of the comments have been provided in that vein.

The thread is not about whether or not its a good idea for an individual to come out. Each situation is unique. I could have initiated a thread on that subject, but it would likely have been a series of volley's and serves...pro and con....with lots of opinions expressed but little light shed on the merits. This thread is intended for those who realize that they must eventually come out to their wives or forever live with the nearly inevitable risk of being discovered. Once the decision is made to come out, then the question is "how" ...and conversely "how not". Anyone who has decided to comie out has received an abundance of advice here.
Fair point and well said

[Stephanie47]

I am not going to categorically state Sophia is wrong or right. There have been numerous postings on this forum, where the advice to out oneself to their wife, has had disastrous results. I recall many postings where the wife has blabbed to the entire family, the church, the employer.

I will suggest that each man whose wife is not aware of his cross dressing and the extent of it, he needs to evaluate how his wife would "probably" feel, if he tells her.

When newly married my wife found me one evening wearing one of her floor length nighties while drinking a glass of water. She queried. I answered truthfully for what I felt at the time; I loved the feel of the nylon upon my body. The result- she willingly incorporated nylon nighties and sheer stockings into "bedroom" play. Later on my affection for women's clothing grew, which turned my wife off. She could not understand why a man would want to wear a bra when he does not have anything to pack into it. Good question, no? That was over three decades ago. Since then it has been DADT.

I do not recommend blindly taking some of the advice given on this forum without considering the consequences in YOUR unique situation. Buy one of those nice yellow tee shirts with the smiley face that says "Shit Happens!"


It seems, just based on some of the posts here, that one of the biggest errors is actually...coming out at all.

[Angela Campbell]

I agree that in some cases the biggest mistake is coming out at all. In others it is not coming out. Every relationship, and every SO is going to be different. Only you (maybe you) can determine if it is something that can be successfully done. I like what MonctonGirl came up with. This is a way to get a conversation started to feel out her views of the type of situation. Although keep in mind just because she is understanding and accepting about a situation about another couple doesn't mean she will be understanding if she is in the middle of it. It will tell you if she is completely disgusted by it. Both of my ex wives were totally disgusted by it and I knew there was no way to tell them. I would think a lot of preparation and discussion is needed to feel out the possible reactions to such a thing, but in the end there is really no way to tell for sure. It will always be a big gamble.

So to me the biggest mistake is not delving into the subject with your wife or girlfriend and trying to determine how she feels about this before coming out. The biggest mistake is in the part of making the decision in the first place. It is a decision that should not be made on a lark or from just thinking about yourself. I know, I am an engineer and try to analyze everything from all angles before I begin any action, but it has always worked for me.

[Kelly Smith]

I do not recommend blindly taking some of the advice given on this forum without considering the consequences in YOUR unique situation.

Some of the advice given here is quite good. Some of it is worse than useless. Take it for what it is worth and engage your brain.

[Maria 60]

I really believe timing is very important, for women what is good today isn't always good tomorrow. I was not fair to my wife, a day before I was married I threw all my fem things out and thought I was beginning a new life. Two days back from our honeymoon I was putting on her pantyhose and I stopped and told myself that I was tired of hiding and being a fugitive. I took a big chance and when she came home from work I told her, it was either hold a secret from her or hope that I never get caught, for all I knew after I told her she could have went back to her mom and told her she married a gay guy. She was cool about it and now twenty five years married I still don't push it, sometimes when I underdress I still ask her if it's OK with her. I find you have to let them set the pace, I wanted pink panties or a pink bra and for years she wouldn't let me wear or buy anything pink and then one day she came home with pink panties for me. Every women is different and I believe in our hearts we know are women good enough to know what there reaction will be. But always expect the worst. The longer you wait the longer you hold the secret and if the cat come's out of the bag you have been dishonest for all those years and that's the worst part of it, a good relationship relays on honesty and communication. Because my wife was pretty cool about it I thought everybody else were in the same boat, and it was very surprising when I joined here and started reading about how many wife's can't except it and realized how lucky I was. It's almost like roll the dice and take a chance, damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

[YorkshireRose]

I always wondered if there would be benefit in this prequalifying phase:

Come home with stunned look ... when SO asks "what's wrong"? say:

"One of the women at work is very upset because she found out
her husband is a crossdresser ... and then another woman at work
said "no worries ... so is mine" .... and I knew both of these guys
and never had any idea."

...then without asking any questions, WAIT for her reaction.

Similar in a way to how I came out. I am sure there must be a term for this way of gauging a reaction, however I don't know what it is.

Using the old "I have a work colleague who is into cross dressing and apparently they came out to their SO last week"...

See how she responds then take it from there, Surely this has to be an excellent way to get a reading of how they will react.


Charlotte

[Genifer Teal]

#5 is quite important. The sooner you tell, the better. Before marriage is best. For many it is already too late for that. Now you are faced with how could you hide that from me? I am not in that situation, so I have no further advice. Many have already made that mistake.

[Launa]

I know this sounds petty or like an old wives tale and it might be a false belief but whenever I have to deliver bad news to somebody, I always do it after 1 pm in the afternoon.

I believe that everybody in the world is more balanced after lunch because blood sugar levels are lower or "off" on everybody
(even super healthy people) especially around 11:30 am. Some people miss breakfast altogether.....

So I believe "everybody" is a little more CRANKY at this time of the day. Consequently, I make sure if there is going to be something contraversial discussed then make sure everybody has had a bite to eat at lunch and then start to discuss things at 1 - 1:30. It helps to keep level heads in the discussion instead of people going into a rage.

I have no scientific data to back any of this up its just my theory.

[kimdl93]

Interesting. So when would you deliver goodness?;)

[Launa]

Interesting. So when would you deliver goodness?;)

That depends on the situation that I'm trying to manipulate! he he :)

[JessiJ]

I like what Kelly Smith said, in engaging your brain. Only you know your SO and each situation will be unique. While there may be some standard errors you need to avoid, coming out likely will be different for everyone.