How do you know if you should YOU come out to your SO?

[kimdl93]

The last post generated a lot of interest, so I thought I'd try another angle at the question.

Here are a few things I kept in mind:

1) I'm entering/in a committed LTR - no underlying problems.
2) I believe that my partner is open minded and reasonable.
3) I feel guilty about hiding.
4) I worry about being "caught" or having my things discovered.
5) I understand the risks.
6) We are usually able to talk through and resolve our problems or concerns.

There are certainly many more things to consider. I'd like to hear your thoughts.

[Sarah Doepner]

The other side of this question are the false barriers we build that keep us from moving in this direction. I constantly was convinced that she already had enough stress in her life and this would add one more problem. All the time I was failing to recognize the hiding was warping that relationship and adding a different kind of stress to every aspect of our lives. At the same time it was keeping me from respecting the trust she had in me from before we married. So I would add;

7) I understand I create excuses to hide based on fear rather than reasons to come out based on trust.

[Joanne f]

How about , if I come out to her then hopefully I can dress a lot more , or am I the only one that has selfish thoughts about coming out .:devi( sometimes think I am to honest) :D

[ReineD]

9) She is my life partner (if married). She deserves to know every facet of who I am.

[avant1465]

Ive found that, once you reconcile Nos 2 and 3, you are "where you need to be" as far a 'fessing up to a potential partner/SO....and so it's OK to take the plunge...... I've "been there" on more than one occasion... and have had the good fortune of spending time with SOs who are open and accepting of CD..... and have had good - or great - relations with them... In NO case was CD-ing ever a reason for going our separate ways....

[DonniDarkness]

10) I will give her the opportunity to the know the whole "Me" without shame or guilt.

-Donni-

[Angela Campbell]

Things to consider.......

I would think a discussion on transgendered people in general to see what her opinions are is a good one. Does she share her secrets...I mean her deep dark secrets...with you?
Does she really support you over all others? This is really a big concern. Does she belittle you in front of others or does she keep private stuff to just the two of you? Does she have a sister or friend that she talks to about your problems just because she just can't talk to you about it?

Just some things to think about.

[PretzelGirl]

9) She is my life partner (if married). She deserves to know every facet of who I am.

This is ultimately what it comes down to in my opinion. I know there are a variety of considerations here like those that thought they could quit, so they didn't bring it up. But my perception (and not necessarily everyone's) is that a marriage is a full bonding of two people. My wife is the one I love. My wife is my best friend. If I can't share something about myself with someone I think of like that, then who can I share it with?

[mikiSJ]

Kim

1) I'm entering/in a committed LTR - no underlying problems.
Good! Continuity in your life is always better.

2) I believe that my partner is open minded and reasonable.
Very good. But make sure you are reading your partners open mindedness correctly. My wife is very open minded but came unglued when I asked her if I could join some of the local groups. Privacy was much more important to her than being open minded.

3) I feel guilty about hiding.
It is really, really hard for some of us to come clean about dressing. My dating relationship with my wife was much more important than that "secret" some of us must keep hidden.

4) I worry about being "caught" or having my things discovered.
Even though my wife is tolerant of my dressing, I do not let it get in her face. Be careful.

5) I understand the risks.
Make sure you really do; then double check your thoughts

6) We are usually able to talk through and resolve our problems or concerns.
Great! But, remember, sometimes there is no resolution to a problem and compromise is not available.

[kimdl93]

Just a quick note. this thread isn't about outcomes. i deliberately limited this topic to factors to be considered before one decides to come out. It's not about how, nor how far out one is able to go. For example, one can come out and live henceforth in a DADT basis. Or, one might be accepted enough to dress in the presence of your SO.

[Dr.Susan]

9) She is my life partner (if married). She deserves to know every facet of who I am.
and to be truthful with her.

[MsRenee]

Reine nailed it. Shes your wife and companion. We all know were afraid to let them know about our little secret. If she truely loves you she will understand your feelings. It may take some argueing and lots of tissues, but the best thing to do is just put everything on the table. Its not an easy choice and wish I had told her before she found my things , that way I knew what was going to happen instead of being blindsided. Things do work out and now were the happiest weve been in years.
Lots of luck and support to you hun.
Renee

[Wildaboutheels]

These VVV are not answers to your questions but the REALITY of what might happen should one choose to "come clean".

1] People who are truly open minded are extremely rare, although many folks claim to be.

2] NO ONE can read minds nor accrately predict their SO's reaction[s] 100% of the time despite the fact that MANY here claim they can over and over. Claiming it over and over won't make it true.

3] Love does NOT conquer all. Except in Fairy Tales. And people here claiming that it does, over and over won't make it true.

4] Even a marriage certificate does not mean that your partner must accept EVERYthing about you nor endorse it.

5] NOT disclosing something to your partner or ANYONE is NOT a lie. Multitudes here, proclaiming over and over that it IS, won't change that.

6] Just because your SO seems to be open minded about everything [that YOU are aware of] doesn't automatically mean they will accept your CDing.

Summary? In telling your SO, you risk ENDING your relationship with them or ruining it, beyond repair. Just as someone does NOT have to accept a partner who smokes, does drugs or anything else.

And just because someone won't "accept" certain things about you, does not mean they don't love you.

[Stephanie47]

When I was first dating my wife, and, we were getting serious, she did share her deep dark secrets with me! I thought those secrets paled in relation to my interest in women's clothing. I had no dressed for several years and really had no inclination at the time to wear women's clothing. And, since it was the 1960's I was totally confused. And, as many have stated in this forum, they thought being married would 'cure' them of this 1960's deviancy.

After several years of marriage nightgowns and stockings did enter into 'bedroom' play. We actually shared those experiences and shopped together for nylon gowns. It wasn't until the urge to cross dress was rekindled after six years of marriage that we both discovered the extent of my pent up interest and what cross dressing actually was. Then my wife was turned off of it, and, we entered a long lasting DADT marriage.

When we finally realized what my interests were and what cross dressing was, she indicated she wished she had never told me of her deep dark secrets. If she had not told me of her secrets, she would have probably just walked away from the marriage. She has matured. She accepts the concept of same sex marriages. I really do not know what she thinks of my cross dressing, which is totally private. She does cast dispersions at the television set if there are story lines related to cross dressing, but, not same sex marriage.

I figure she is still non accepting of cross dressing in general, and, mine interest specifically.

So, when do you tell??? Who knows, really! Even if there is early acceptance, there is nothing in the books for her not to change her mind.


Things to consider.......

I would think a discussion on transgendered people in general to see what her opinions are is a good one. Does she share her secrets...I mean her deep dark secrets...with you?

[Shelly Preston]

I would say is it fair to keep the secret of your dressing from your life partner.

If you tell her in the right way I believe you have a higher cance of her understanding.

You may want to consider her attitude to programs which have displayed transgendered individuals.

[Frédérique]

1) I'm entering/in a committed LTR - no underlying problems.
2) I believe that my partner is open minded and reasonable.
3) I feel guilty about hiding.
4) I worry about being "caught" or having my things discovered.
5) I understand the risks.
6) We are usually able to talk through and resolve our problems or concerns.

When my crossdressing first attained the lofty plateau where I now reside, I was deeply involved with a woman, a true SO, and she was smitten with me. Likewise, I’m sure, so why did I feel a need to wear women’s clothing during this period? I would see her often, which means I was in the company of a living, breathing, attractive woman most of the time. And yet, as soon as she left my presence I scurried off to my “safe” private place to crossdress and get in touch with the real me – was my burgeoning heterosexual relationship some kind of lie, or was it just a coincidence that it came during the time of my crossdressing emergence? I often think about this, because why would I need to dress up if there was a real woman nearby (and very near, if you must know)?

I believed that my partner was open-minded and reasonable. She was both conformist and non- conformist, with an artistic nature that hinted at a certain level of acceptance. We told each other many secrets, so I knew that I would have to tell her about my crossdressing some day – isn’t it an interesting thing, after all, something that an artistic person would appreciate? My secret just spilled out of me one day, and she feigned interest (out of love, perhaps), but not going any further than that. I wanted to tell her all about my activities, but I could tell she was becoming less “open” by the moment. I retreated, wounded, and I continued to expand my crossdressing in private. I didn’t feel guilty about hiding my CD stuff, nor did I worry about being caught – I certainly understood the risks, yet I never thought I was doing something genuinely queer (until then)...

In this instance, disclosure of my crossdressing secret changed the relationship. I get the feeling, years later, that she used the opportunity to see me in a new light, and she came to take a dim view of her former lover. That’s water under the bridge now, but I felt that SHE, of all people, must be told, simply because we were so close, and we had known each other for so long. I gained a valuable education into the nature of relationships, such as they exist within the constraints of society, and just what makes deviant acts so...deviant. MtF crossdressing is just so far beyond normalcy, especially when it exists within a heterosexual relationship, so that even those who are predisposed to some forms of perversion may balk at it. It can’t be adequately explained or understood, unless you are the one who is doing the crossdressing. I suppose I wanted her to participate, in the form of some encouragement or positive reinforcement, but there were (to my mind) no problems or concerns to discuss. It was like, “Here’s an interesting thing about me that you don’t know...” Well, that went over like the proverbial lead balloon...

Since that time, I’ve pretty much kept my mouth shut about crossdressing. It’s a “deal-breaker,” especially if the woman you’re with is PART OF society. I am on the outskirts, literally. It’s odd and kinda funny (in a sad way) to be with a woman, and then go home and transform into a reasonable facsimile of a woman! I must say I don’t dwell too much on it, meaning I do not wish to stop – I like it, I enjoy it, and it (crossdressing) is always there, unlike the significant woman in my life. I don’t blame women for having problems with MtF crossdressing – they want to see me a certain way, which I understand, but I want to see my “self” in a genuine way, at least now and then...
:straightface:

[sissystephanie]

The MAJOR reason you should come out to your SO is a very simple one. If you don't come out to her, you are living a LIE!! A relationship that hopefully will become a marriage should not have any lies in it!! From either person. If it does, the relationship most likely will not last! If the SO does not accept the fact that you are a crossdresser, than she is not the right person for you! I will probably get royally flamed for saying that, but with almost 50 years of life experience with my dear late wife, I think that I do know what I am talking about. And she knew that I was a CD before we married because I told her!

[Kyla]

Never put a ring on it until you've told her. You don't want to be that guy with the stash in the corner of the basement.

[Angela Campbell]

I agree that when beginning a relationship it is best at some point when you think it may lead to a committment, that this is something the other should know, so she can decide if this is really something she wants to have in her life.
But what about the long term relationships where the man discovers this long after the marraige is going? Should he keep it a secret then? Depends on the relationship and the persons involved.
I will never again be in a relationship where this is not an open and accepted thing. If I determine she will not be receptive and supportive I will end the relationship before it becomes too serious. This is part of me and I am no longer going to deny myself nor will I make someone else unhappy because of it. I want someone to love me for who I am rather than what they think I am. Of course this means I may be single for the rest of my life.

[Beverley Sims]

Compare her sense of morality to your own.
Are there great divides.
You are bisexual, she is not.
You are otherwise straight, she has lesbian tendencies.
This is where a mismatch can occur, in the great sexual divide.
She may like bondage games, but not crossdressing.

[Angela Campbell]

It reminds me of an old joke.....How do you know when it is time to vacuum the floor? Look in your pants, if there is a penis in there it aint time!

When is it time to tell your wife? When you think it will go over well or when you just can't hide it anymore no matter the consequences. (and there will be consequences)

[NicoleScott]

If it's not about outcomes, it's a pointless exercise.

[Andinera]

For me, my feminine side is as much of me as any relationship. I couldnt be in a LTR and not tell her. I'd have to eventually tell her so might aswell see how she feels about it from the beginning.

[kimdl93]

If it's not about outcomes, it's a pointless exercise.

The point of the thread is not about or predicting outcomes, but rather what factors should go into the decision to come out. These, I think, are far from pointless considerations.

[jillleanne]

The question presented is. " How do you know if you should.............s/o? ". The answer will always be the same regardless of the outcome; you know because you and the s/o have more in common than being just friends/family/acquiaintances. You have bonded as one through trust, honesty, and love, and thereby given a part of yourselves to each other that no others in your lives can share. There is no such thing as, " how do you know ", but rather there is only, " When do I tell...." Otherwise, you should be asking yourself, " How long do I want to live in this relationship without giving 110% of myself to the relationship because of my lies/fear?"

[Eryn]

In my case, part of the decision was whether her life would be better with it out in the open. As a late bloomer I was somewhat overwhelmed by what was happening and keeping it from her was causing stress and making me very difficult to live with. Being stressed and not being able to tell her why caused more stress and the result would not have been pretty if it had continued.

[AllyCDTV]

whether her life would be better with it out in the open.
Thank you Eryn. To me this really distills it to the single most important factor. It can not be such things such as: giving me a chance to dress more, having someone I can pal around with or even reducing my stress or guilt. It cannot even be that it would be better if she found out from you or by accident. If your SO would be better off not knowing, either quit or do whatever is necessary to make sure she never finds out. If she would be better off knowing, then figure out a way to make it happen with minimal damage.

[jillleanne]

Thank you Eryn. To me this really distills it to the single most important factor. It can not be such things such as: giving me a chance to dress more, having someone I can pal around with or even reducing my stress or guilt. It cannot even be that it would be better if she found out from you or by accident. If your SO would be better off not knowing, either quit or do whatever is necessary to make sure she never finds out. If she would be better off knowing, then figure out a way to make it happen with minimal damage..
Of course your s/o would be better off knowing!!! Who's trying to kid who here? When she walks in the door unexpectedly and sees you, wouldn't it have been better for her to know? When she finds the stash, wouldn't it have been better for her to know? Your s/o has a right to know, and you as her partner have a responsibility to the partnership to share this information. Quiting is not an option as we all know, and neither is witholding this information. That is a simply a way of coping out based on fears/shame/etc. The outcome is the reality one does not want to confront and so the hiding continues.

[AllyCDTV]

.
Of course your s/o would be better off knowing!!! Who's trying to kid who here? When she walks in the door unexpectedly and sees you, wouldn't it have been better for her to know? When she finds the stash, wouldn't it have been better for her to know? Your s/o has a right to know, and you as her partner have a responsibility to the partnership to share this information. Quiting is not an option as we all know, and neither is witholding this information. That is a simply a way of coping out based on fears/shame/etc. The outcome is the reality one does not want to confront and so the hiding continues.
You assume a lot. You don't know the details of everyone's situation so you cannot make a statement that every SO would be better off knowing. There are no guarantees that an SO will ever find out on her own. A revelation like that could wind up in a world of hurt for everyone involved.

As far as quitting goes, you should speak for yourself. I'm sure that in the history of the world, some have quit crossdressing. I firmly believe that in many cases it is all simply a matter of how strong a person's will is.

[Eryn]

Moderator note:

Folks, we're getting pretty argumentative here. Let's sit back for a minute and remember to talk about the ideas, not each other.

Please think carefully before using the word "you" in a post. It's a powerful word, and with power comes responsibility.

Eryn

[jillleanne]

You assume a lot. You don't know the details of everyone's situation so you cannot make a statement that every SO would be better off knowing. There are no guarantees that an SO will ever find out on her own. A revelation like that could wind up in a world of hurt for everyone involved.

As far as quitting goes, you should speak for yourself. I'm sure that in the history of the world, some have quit crossdressing. I firmly believe that in many cases it is all simply a matter of how strong a person's will is.

Ally, this topic has been flogged to death on just about every site it has ever been brought up on. Let's leave it at that.

[Shelly Preston]

11) you have realised this is part of who you are and its not going to go away ( hopefully before commiting to a long term relationship)


Ally, this topic has been flogged to death on just about every site it has ever been brought up on. Let's leave it at that.
There is almost no question that havs never been asked on this forum at some time.

Please remember we always have ne members joining who wish to undertand more even if most of us have heard it before

[ReineD]

As far as quitting goes, you should speak for yourself. I'm sure that in the history of the world, some have quit crossdressing. I firmly believe that in many cases it is all simply a matter of how strong a person's will is.

It's not so much a question of will, as a degree of gender dysphoria. Some CDers feel more solid in their male identities than others and I expect it would be easier for these CDers to quit than for those who feel that a feminine identity (even if it is partial) is an inherent piece of who they are.

Also, the ability to quit depends on whether the CDing is sexually motivated or not. For some men, it is a kink and if it gets in the way of their relationships or causes them to lose focus at work, or it gets in the way of their lives in general, they'll try to quit. I imagine they'll experience the same type of difficulties in quitting as any other sexual compulsive, for example someone who is addicted to porn. But I agree, it's doable.

[MsJanessa]

The point of the thread is not about or predicting outcomes, but rather what factors should go into the decision to come out. These, I think, are far from pointless considerations.

True---but considering the possible outcomes should be one of the primary factors in your decision whether to come out to your SO or not--

[MsJanessa]

I posted this answer about two weeks ago on another thread dealing with a similar issue and think that it is more on point here. I've edited my original post to reflect the subject matter of this thread.

The maxim that "honesty is the best policy" and that a CD should come out to their wife or signficant other no matter what does not apply to every situation. Even in a marriage, total honesty is not always a good thing. Some of the longest and most content marriages involve spouses who withhold certain parts of their lives from each other---and most marriages involve some dissembling from time to time.

Whether a CD should tell her wife about her "hobby" (and let's be honest it's more of a compulsion then a hobby) really varies greatly from marriage to marriage---under ideal conditions we should tell our significant others when the relationship starts to get serious (and by serious I mean sexual) that way, we wouldn't have to worry about what her reaction will be 20 years later. But then there might not be a 20 years later as the SO would be likely to take a powder then and there---let's face it, most GGs aren't exactly enthralled with the idea of their lover dressing in ladies clothing, wearing makeup and a femme styled wig. For that reason, many of us keep our "hobby" a secret from our SOs.

The question then becomes do you tell her after years of being in a relationship---and there is no easy answer to that---in some cases you may find a spouse who not only accepts your dressing but will embrace it--in other cases you may have a DADT situation, in yet others you may hear cries that you have betrayed her and she will walk out of the marriage and "out" you to everybody she knows. If you don't believe me, go to the website for wives of crossdressers and look at some of the posts--they are all negative.

In my case I did eveything that some of the sisters on this site have recommended. I told my wife about my dressing after we had been in a relationship for just few months, three years before our marriage---and she said she was ok with it, even sewed me clothes on occasion---but after we were married she started to swing hot and cold on the issue, some times being fine with it, other times becoming upset.

After 12 years of marriage, I decided I wanted out--not because of any difficulty over dressing, which by that time had changed to DADT, but for completely unrelated reasons---she then threatend to divulge my "hobby" to friends and acquaintences if I didnt' give her what she wanted in alimony and property split (no kids so child support didn't enter into it) I ended up giving her what she asked for (and would have anyway, it wasn't unreasonable) At the time,(22 years ago) I was practicing law in a small town in a rural area and such a disclosure would have caused great embarrasment both professional and personal-nowadays I could care less and would have laughed at her but back then it was different-anyway her threat left a very bad taste in my mouth. So I understand the reluctance for some of our sisters to divulge their secrets

The take away from all this is that if a CD does decide to tell her spouse, then she should be prepared to accept the fact that the marriage may end and there may be bitter recriminations involving public disclosure (these days the consequences would not be so serious as they would have been 20 years ago) Those CDs who are contemplating telling their spouses of their "hobby" should go into it with both eyes open knowing what the outcome may be. And, lets face it, some sisters are much more comfortable in the closet and intend to stay that way---whatever one choses, it should be a well thought out decision, maybe made after consultation with a therapist, and dare I say it, a lawyer. And we should all rememember that when we urge other CDs to tell their spouse about their dressing that doing so could well bring about the end of a marriage.

If you haven't married yet, the answer is easier--and it is easier to tell your prospective SO about it at the start of the relationship---however, you should still be prepared for a completely negative reaction and for the relationship to end--that isn't necessarily a bad thing---better to now now whether your crossdressing is a dealbreaker, or even on the negative side of the marital ledger. Its a lot easier to walk away from a new relationship then one you have been in for years, with marital property, kids, etc.

[jillleanne]

Thank you Eryn, Shelley, and Reine for jumping in. Some days I eat the bear and other days the bear eats me. Somedays, being human sucks. lol

Getting back to the original question of, " How do you know if you should come out to your s/o?" The answer is, IMO, every person in any long term relationship has a right to know this information about their s/o. It seems some have a very hard time understanding the two critical parts that wrongly, eventually end up answering this. The question simply stated is , 'how do you know..........." and I believe the answer to that is simple; because she, like me, has a right to that information by participating in that relationship. That's all there is to it. No more. Where the confusion begins is trying to integrate the effect into the answer. Many seem to feel the effect caused by the answer is more important than the revelation. Certainly the effect can have more impact, but should not be considered when answering this question. So why does the effect of the revelation have so much impact? Because society has imprinted us to believe certain things about ourselves based on many things, right or wrong, and until we can fully accept who we are within society, and ignore what we perceive as failure, shame, etc. many will continue to lie and hide and deny the fact the s/o has as much right to knowing about me as I do her. Many will justify the answer on the perceived negative effect that no one can prove beforehand. I certainly was amazed when my s/o acccepted me fully without exception when I told her. I too had falsely perceived visions of her leaving like a thunderstorm. But I did not base my decision to tell her on this. It was based on knowing she had a right to know about me and I would expect nothing less from her if she had something to tell me about herself. With that, I will start a new post with the intention the post may open some minds to say,
"Hmmmmmmmmmm..................things that make you say, hmmmmmmmm.

[MsJanessa]

When I was first dating my wife, and, we were getting serious, she did share her deep dark secrets with me! I thought those secrets paled in relation to my interest in women's clothing. I had no dressed for several years and really had no inclination at the time to wear women's clothing. And, since it was the 1960's I was totally confused. And, as many have stated in this forum, they thought being married would 'cure' them of this 1960's deviancy.

After several years of marriage nightgowns and stockings did enter into 'bedroom' play. We actually shared those experiences and shopped together for nylon gowns. It wasn't until the urge to cross dress was rekindled after six years of marriage that we both discovered the extent of my pent up interest and what cross dressing actually was. Then my wife was turned off of it, and, we entered a long lasting DADT marriage.

When we finally realized what my interests were and what cross dressing was, she indicated she wished she had never told me of her deep dark secrets. If she had not told me of her secrets, she would have probably just walked away from the marriage. She has matured. She accepts the concept of same sex marriages. I really do not know what she thinks of my cross dressing, which is totally private. She does cast dispersions at the television set if there are story lines related to cross dressing, but, not same sex marriage.

I figure she is still non accepting of cross dressing in general, and, mine interest specifically.

So, when do you tell??? Who knows, really! Even if there is early acceptance, there is nothing in the books for her not to change her mind.

Exactly--I think this is a familar story to many crossdressers---see my post above

[kimdl93]

MsJanessa, I hope everyone takes the time to read your post. It's interesting,to me because its really about life after coming out, not about the merits of coming out. Yes, one should consider the consequences of coming,out too ones spouse. But if you're suggesting,that a possible bad outcome justifies hiding this information from your spouse, we part company. Because the alternative is continued hiding and deception, which much more often than that ends with inadvertent discovery and a host of adverse consequences.

So one may justify not coming out for fear of the consequences, but I submit they are at best postponing the inevitable, and likely making things worse for themselves and their partner.

[ReineD]

And, lets face it, some sisters are much more comfortable in the closet and intend to stay that way---whatever one choses, it should be a well thought out decision, maybe made after consultation with a therapist, and dare I say it, a lawyer.

The degree of intimacy or connection that couples share varies greatly in a marriage:

http://suite101.com/article/how-intimate-is-your-relationship-a104039

It's good to not lose sight of who we are in relationships, to maintain a separate sense of who we are, in short to be "OK" without being proverbially joined at the hip to our partners. But, some couples never really achieve the fifth, sixth, and seventh levels of intimacy in the above article. They do keep a part of themselves to themselves, they may even have emotional confidant(es) outside the marriage (best friends, close family members), whom they divulge more of themselves to than their spouses. Some couples are even happier in long distance relationships or when they take habitual frequent breaks from each other, or when they have separate vacations!

Another thing to note is that marriages are successful as long as both partners want the same level of intimacy, no matter what that level is. Issues occur if one partner seeks a truly intimate relationship (level seven), while the other is happy with a level four. The level-seven seeking partner will feel as if the relationship is not equal and may feel as if they are not a priority. This partner will likely also feel unloved, while the level four partner will likely feel encroached upon or stifled.

For couples who never go beyond the fourth of maybe fifth level of intimacy, the notion of keeping secrets is not as devastating as it might be for two people who feel they are soul mates, who have shared their very cores with one another (even if they each maintain a healthy sense of their separate identities). I personally am a level seven seeking person in a marriage else to me, the relationship is no more than a close friendship. I would be utterly devastated if my SO preferred to keep this part of himself closeted and secret from me. Also, I can't help but believe that a reason to prefer keeping the crossdressing closeted is that it doesn't go beyond the sexual stage, which is even more reason why I would be devastated. I would hate to know that my parter sought sexual gratification outside of his relationship with me, which is not an uncommon way to feel for people who seek intimacy level seven in their marriages.

Last, I also think that in many cases, it is difficult especially for crossdressers, who have had to build thick emotional walls around themselves while growing up in order to keep others from knowing their softer cores, to move beyond the middle levels of intimacy, in other words to "let their partners in". And this I think is a greater cause for divorce than anything else if they are married to a level seven seeking person like me.

[sometimes_miss]

9) She is my life partner (if married). She deserves to know every facet of who I am.

First, prepare for the worst. Then as far as Reine's opinion, well, I have an issue with that. No one tells everyone everything. NO ONE. It's simply nearly impossible. We leave out most of the things that we suppose our SO wouldn't care to know (killed many opposing soldiers in a war, or ordered soldiers on a mission where we knew most would die), doesn't need to know (like if I was a 5 year old shoplifter, discovering what I could get away with and routinely stealing candy out of the bins at the supermarket until I finally got caught by mom), or wouldn't want to know (such as if a previous lover was so much better at some sexual thing or other). The problem arises when there's something that you withhold that your SO considers more important than you believe it to be, and one such thing is crossdressing. If I were to do it again; I'd glaze over the concept, take her to see la Cage au folles and see the reaction, maybe say you lived with several other guys when you were younger, and one of them was an actor who was active as a female impersonator, and see how she responds. In other discussions you can also bring up girls who experimented with other girls when they were teens and see if she volunteers anything, this could come after seeing a commercial about, oh, girls gone wild or something like that on late night tv. The list goes on; and should you never come up with anything she seems to be bothered by, and DO decide to risk it, tell here that you WERE a crossdresser when you were younger, and see how that goes over. It leaves you the option of backpedaling should she find it a horrible admission, by saying that you don't do it anymore, it was just a phase you were going through (and of course that leaves you with the problem of deciding if you can leave it behind) or letting some time go by and see if she changes her feelings about it; say, by waiting until Halloween and half joking about when you told her about the crossdressing 'thing' and wonder if she'd like to go out as a football player and you'd be the cheerleader, making sure again, that the option of it being said in jest is potentially there should she turn around in shock that you even suggested it, you can always just say it was just fooling around because you didn't have any ideas for costumes, and you 'knew a guy' who did that with his girlfriend years ago.
But in the end, if she responds negatively about it, you have to be willing to make the decision that the guys in Lt. William Calley's group did; tell who you are and what you did/do, or forever keep your mouth shut, and never give yourself up. It's either that or live the rest of your life alone; it's not an easy decision.

I had to add this: Women always say that they want men to be completely honest with them, that honesty is super important. It's mainly basically because her choice in a mate will be decided by things that men often lie about; income, potential status in society by ambition, and fidelity, and she'd hate to feel like she was 'fooled' into getting attached to a guy who was less than she thought he was. In contrast, she will have absolutely no qualms about deceiving you about anything. People always reserve the right for deception, for themselves, while insisting on absolute honesty from others.

[Aylineira]

Joking - When she finds your stash.

Non Joking - When she finds your stash...

Ok seriously, I believe you should tell your SO at the latest when things begin to get more serious leaning towards engagement time. However, I believe in the earlier the better when the both of you are comfortable with each other and are at that period of being able to tell each other everything.