Does It Hurt?

[JennyCD]

Do you have a friend that you would dearly love to tell all about yourself, but you just can't? Are there people in your life that you dearly wish you could share this side of yourself with, but just can't?

I don't know about you. but it feels very lonely and very isolating. And it hurts.There have been many times, and many openings where I could have shared, or even hinted about this side of me when I have just let those moments slide by out of fear, guilt, or whatever. And it has always hurt.

It does affect my relationships with other people. I can't be totally myself.

What about you?

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I hear you. Being in the closet sucks.

But just remember, even if you feel you can't tell the folk around you, you've got people here who care about you.

[Lisa Maren]

I have a good friend who doesn't know because we met as coworkers and he's still kind of a business contact. Yet, he's also one of my 5 best friends. He knows nothing about Lisa. Ooh, I hate that! :) Here he's thinking we're such good friends and here's this secret I haven't told him. That does hurt just thinking about it.

That and I have to hide Lisa from my whole family. I once told my mom about my crossdressing and speculated to her that I may be transgendered but it really kind of shook her and after my 2.5 year purging phase was over (last time I ever throw anything away, incidentally) I didn't tell her I've started up again.

I guess that leaves me still in the closet between the skeletons and the dirty laundry. :: pout ::

The other day I was looking outward through my peephole -- I don't know why, nobody was at the door -- but anyway, Lisa feels locked in my home.

Hugs,
Lisa

[Kierci]

Lisa I kinda have the same situation at home, Mom knew before but thinks I stopped, I am 32 But still dont feel right about burting back out again, although if I get caught I can always say "well you knew, why are you so surprised" LOL

[uknowhoo]

Hi Jenny. I certainly know the pain of which you speak. I have so many conflicted feelings which are seemingly impossible to work out. After 25 years of it, I've cracked open the closet door. Though I still cannot bear outing myself to any of my best male friends, this year I came out to 2 of my closest GG friends. The two friends I chose, in part, because I knew them to be very open-minded on a range of issues, including sexuality (esp. important). It wasn't a decision approached casually, or without fear or ambivalence. That said, I can hardly describe how liberating and gratifying it was to go ahead and do it. Perhaps a similar path could be found out of your pain.
In the interest of full disclosure, I should also mention I did what I did (a year) after several visits with a therapist. She helped me come to better terms with / acceptance of my dressing. Coming to this site though has done me immeasurably more good for me though than any counselling could ever have done.
I wish you well, and am always here for you.
Hugs,
Tammi

[Billijo49504]

Hi, My wife doesn't have a problem with my dressing. But I wish I could share it with my adult children and my dad. But I don't think I can. My dad is 88 yrs old, and just wouldn't understand. :( And I'd just love to wear a skirt to work some day.:D

[BrendaChristine]

It does. Right now all who I care to know do however I have been thinking of letting someone new in on the secret.

[cork_cd]

im still there

[Julie]

I have a best friend I've known over 40 years. We've been through a lot together. We were best man at each other's weddings. We've shared the loss of two close friends. When we're together it's like we've never been apart even though we only see each other a few times a year.

Since the divorce and living TG so much more and really enjoying it I've thought many times about telling him because I don't want any secrets between us. But each time I picture doing this I just don't see him reacting very positively. I'm afraid it might hurt our friendship. One thing I've learned is it's not always the idea of being TG that causes problems when we tell those close to us, it's all those years we kept this from them that hurts most. Then there's the feeling they really don't know us. I can imagine it could be pretty tough to handle.

I visited him over the summer and another friend who I've known just as long was there too. The three of us are like brothers. My body is always shaved and the legs and chest I knew would be most obvious and I knew I would be wearing shorts. So I was prepared for them to notice and considered using that as the lead in to tell them. I even brought pictures. I wanted to do it. But they never questioned their hairless friend. One evening I went to my car and pulled out one of the pictures. We had been drinking and I really wanted to tell them. Courage in a bottle. But I just couldn't do it. And it saddens me I may never be able to.

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi All,

I have a slightly different take on this. I have very few friends and even fewer close friends and I have had no problem telling them about my cross-dressing. The problem I have is a seeming lack of reaction. This probably has something to do with my ability to keep talking regardless and not stopping to listen. There is hardly ever any comeback at all. A GG friend observed 'that seems odd because you come across as so masculine' - really helpful that! Everybody else seemingly tries to ignore it usually with a condemning smirk!

However, what I really wanted to say was that I have no-one close to whom I can chat about crossdressing. If I want to make the observation that a particular dress looks great or not - that a lady looks phenomenal or like a tramp I can't because I don't have that outlet. As I don't go out or indeed even dress whenever I can it feels like a very part-time hobby. If a part-time golfer had a good round I'm sure he/she'd be shouting it from the rooftops but if I manage to do my makeup first-time reasonably well I can't tell anyone.

Okay, my expectations are probably buried on another planet 'in a galaxy far far away' I know but it doesn't stop me getting frustrated - and, yes, it hurts too.

Sorry for the whingey nature of this post but it's born out of how I feel - and right now that's not particularly good.

Emma

[cathy b]

no i couldn't ever tell any one and yes being in the closet does suck and is very lonely. but since i have joined the fourm the door is at least open now so i can get some light. and i want to thank all you girls for that.:o

[Kimberly]

I certainly feel this way, generally in my life.

I finally got round to telling my parents, as I vowed I would, but in truth I wanted to go further... I wanted to be out! I know it's damaging more than it is helpful, but I just want to be able to express who I am to everyone - not behind closed doors as my family wants it to stay.

Being in the closet, indeed, sucks. Stay strong xx

[Wendy me]

i have told a few people but there are still some that shareing this side of me would not be a good idear...and let's say unhealthy ...but yes some times i just want to tell everyone ....but for now that whole pick and chose thingy.....

[Sharon]

Over the course of the past year, I have confided my life-long secret to my friends (only have a couple) and my family (sisters, children). As difficult as it has been for them to accept the entire truth about me, and as difficult it has occasionally been for me to deal with the questions, attitudes, and looks, it is still a huge burden off my shoulders. While I don't go out of my way to be "me" in their presence, at least I no longer need to hide either.

The only person I have not told is my mother, both because of her age (81) and the fact that she is still dealing with my father's passing away this past April.

[Veronica E. Scott]

Does it Hurt?

Yes it does.
I need coffee if I am to continue(Be right back).
Ok I'm back,well there are a few people who know about Veronica and are excepting(my wife told them)her friends.
As for my friends and family (B$S) I will never tell unless I am dead then I might write them a letter and let them know what I really think about them.Boy this is turning into another shrink session Intraspective soul searching. There are 5 people who I care about more than any one else in the world not counting my grandkids,my wife,my 3 daughters and my friend Robert,mind you I have carried this secret with me for a very long time and it has taken me this long to bring it out into the light of day.I started dressing when I was 8 and I am 61 now you do the math it hurts any way I dont know about Robert and how he would react to my disclosure about Veronica we have done a lot of things togather and have talked about everything under the sun everything. I think I know everything about him that he wants me to know,from being a leg braker,hit man and inforcer.He and I have spent quality time in a ***** house among other places talking about guy stuff,love life and the like telling him about V I don't know I am sitting on the fence about that.But the other 3 people my girls well I am going home for the hollidays NH and will be spending some time with the kids and grandkids and I plan on telling 2 of my girls about there father and his relationship with Veronica as for the last of my girls this is not the time to tell her she is dealing with some deamonds of her own and is not in the right place to have this burden put upon her(she is a drug addict).
My wife and I have discussed telling the girls for some time now and I think I would rather tell them face to face than over the phone or a letter at least I could see how they react to the news rather than take the cowards way out.I feel as though if you are going to tell someone something very personal and I think that this is then youn should do it in person if possible.well any way this is my plan for what it is worth hope things work out I will let you know when we get back just how it all went.

[Tracy Lynn]

I get some relief being able to share this with my wife but there are others that I would like to tell. I feel like I am not being truthful with everyone which really does hurt.

I live out of state from my family and friends (we really don't have any where we live now) and only see them occasionally. Since joining this site though my fem side has grown and I feel more comfortable with who I am and some days I feel like I want them all to know but I can't bring myself to tell them and fear I will never be able.

But having my wife and the girls on this forum knowing it sure makes things better. You are all so open and understanding.

[sherri]

Jenny, I have noted the melancholy in some of your posts and want to reach out to you. I hate the isolation and secrecy too. We all do. I sometimes think, why would anyone voluntarily choose an activity that is so isolating? Must be crazy. Then I get stubborn. I can beat this. The solution is not going to fall in my lap, so I have to take the initiative.

Yes, it would be nice for everyone to know, but the repercussions would be disastrous. So that's not gonna happen. So what will get me by? Well, it would help if someone knew, if I could interact with at least one person en femme, someone I could be close to. So how do I make that happen?

First, you gotta expand your fem universe. Ya gotta leave the confines of your home. No way around it. When I look at your avatar pic, I see a feminine person, Jen. You can do this. Other people will see what I see. If you can't do it where you live, get out of town for a weekend. Just do it.

Let me hasten to say that going out is no panacea. It has its ups and downs, pluses and minuses. But like I said, no one is going to beat a path to your front door. For me, the objective is to circulate, work it - sooner or later, something's gonna click.

There are no CD clubs or support groups where I live - oh how I wish there were. If you know of any where you are, JOIN!!! If not, there are still places you can go, even if it's just a gay club. If you live in a big city, take advantage of the anonymity and be bold! I have to be careful where I live, but girl, when I'm in a strange city, I'm the definition of bold. No one knows me, so what's to lose? Exercise a little judgement and caution, of course, but work the phone, be creative and just do it. Yup, you'll get some looks, but you'll also be surprised how many people are nice about it.

There are other things you can do. Be more aggressive at networking online. Use your imagination, overcome your fears. Scheme and connive and explore. And ...

Don't forget to smile!

:)

[Lacamas]

For me, it was me who was keeping me in the closet.
In my mind i created thoughts for everyone else then acted on them.
Boy was i wrong.

It has been a gut wrenching experience telling my family and friends.
It has been even harder to do then that first time i jumped out of that perfectly good airplane. This time i dont have that parachute to save me!
I was sick for days thinking about how to tell everyone. One day i just said F***it and told my mom.

Boy she sure suprised me, she already knew about it and was just waiting for me to tell her.
My dad also knew but being the "man" that he is just only talks to me in one word sentances now.
My sisters also were suprised but supportive. My older sister now understands were her clothes went to.
My brother was also suprised and also supports me.

I have about 10 friends i know and care about.
Except for my 30ish "skirt chasing" friend it has been a extremly positive experience.
One of my friends is a bible thumping christian church going person. He suprised me by not even batting a eye. He told me that he is my friend and will support me in whatever i want to do.

I have even told my board gaming group and they have all been supportive, i even have a shopping buddy now!

I guess the biggest issue is that first hard to get over telling someone experience. I was hard but i am still alive and kicking(in heels of course).

[JennyCD]

Thanks Sherri, but "going out" is out of the question here. Small redneck town, very close neighborhood where everyone knows everyone's business, and my particular means of transportation is quite unusual looking and immediately recognizable as there isn't another one exactly like it in town.

Not to worry, Sherri, my life, such as it is, is far better than it was during the bulk of this year as I am now walking, working, and have my own place now. I have resigned myself to living within the constraints of this community and making a reasonably decent life for myself.

[freshfrankie]

Great post and I think all the ladies here understand. Living in the closet is insidious. It minimizes us as a person and causes untold trouble in our lives especially in relationships. We are always protecting others from us. It makes us feel like bad people but were not. When I read these posts it's a bit sad. Some of you ladies said you could not tell anyone,others said they would have to wait until they died and write a letter. How sad. It's not like telling someone your a rapists,child molester or serial killer. It's telling others that you are part male and female at whatever level each of us are.
I believe that if you are not allowed to be yourself you can't maintain a strong relationship with anyone. You know what they say"You can't love another if you don't love yourself" By are own actions because of society we hide in the darkness and it eventually ends up making everyone around us comfortable but does enormous harm to us. We literally sentence ourselves to a life of solitary confinement where self doubt,paranoia, sexual confusion and self loathing thrive. It shoudn't be that way.
I wish all the so called normal people out there could read all the posts on this site and see how warm, sensitive and caring we all can be if allowed to be the people that we were born. As Hedwig said"Only God could ever plan more than a woman or a man"
My wife moved out in October not because of my crossdressing but because my whole married life I was distant,didn't connect with her or the kids and always sullen. Now that I can be myself my wife Mini said"Your a much better man since Jeannie came out and if you were like this I never would of left you" We destroy ourselves. On more thought. This is a quote from a Lyle Lovett song slightly edited. "If I were the man that you wanted,I would have to be the man that I am" Big Hugs and have a great holiday.

Love
Jeannie

[sherri]

Thanks Sherri, but "going out" is out of the question here. Small redneck town, very close neighborhood where everyone knows everyone's business, and my particular means of transportation is quite unusual looking and immediately recognizable as there isn't another one exactly like it in town.

Not to worry, Sherri, my life, such as it is, is far better than it was during the bulk of this year as I am now walking, working, and have my own place now. I have resigned myself to living within the constraints of this community and making a reasonably decent life for myself.

I'm sorry Jenny, I don't know your history and didn't realize you've had mobility issues? So sorry.

But don't let that small redneck town thing stop you. I live in a small redneck town too, and no one here knows about me. But, there are larger cities nearby and that's where I go. Where there's a will there's a way.

[JennyCD]

I'm sorry Jenny, I don't know your history and didn't realize you've had mobility issues? So sorry.

No problem Sherri, just the aftermath of a nasty car wreck. Life goes on.

[Carol Sue]

I have been crossdressing for over 50 years and have only tried to tell one person, a GG many years ago, about my intimate desires. She pretty much didn't believe me. I have hinted at the subject several times with her over the years (we talk on the phone but have not seen each other for probably 20 years. Thats another story) but it is always way over her head. It would be nice to talk to someone as a CD but has not been necessary. I know my wife would not understand, but she does not have a suspicious bone in her body and I really believe she does not have a clue. Since I recently stumbled on this forem I have been kind of facing my existance. I just always accepted that I was "different" and even though I was hurting no one I knew would not be excepted as I was either. That really has never bothered be. Although I have a few friends that don't really understand why I don't mind being a hermit on weekends ( I have a small lake house about 100 mi. from my normal home).
I understand where Veronica is coming from although I really don't plan on telling anyone. This is another part of me that may come out eventually, but I have hidden Carol for so long that I am petrified that someone will find out. So to answer your question Yes it hurts, but only if you think about it.

[Mona]

I live such a "guy" life and no one would be accepting or understand, they would just walk away, and I dress and look out past the curtains and know I can't go out so yes, sometimes it hurts. Then I come to the forum and see all the kindness and deep feeling and feel better, a lot better! Coming out would mean giving up my "guy" life which I really like so for now it's OK.
Thank you for sharing such a thought provoking thread!
hugs, Mona

[kwebb]

My best friend is transphobic. He always says he's not a 'homophobe' but his actions and the other comments he makes speaks otherwise. Yes it hurts bad. I often wonder if he is not himself trans or gay, most of the time in my experience the one's who make the most disparaging comments are oft themselves intertwined in some identity crisis. I feel like if he ever found out, it would certainly mark the end of our friendship.

[Tiffy]

I had a very sad ( we'll call it a ) moment today. And I was feeling very alone. My mom had to come check on me. I get that way from time to time. What started it was the normal "money" and "jobs" kinda things. And the sadder I got the more our conversation turned to my Cd'ing. And the one person I so ache to tell is my little sister. I really want her to know. But, I can not tell her just yet.

Kisses, April

I told my mom this today " It is very lonely and small living life in a closet."

[Lissa Stevens]

It seems to be a common thread with all of us that we are afraid to tell our loved ones and we are lonely and scared because of it. It is too bad that we live in a society where we are like lepers for doing something as harmless as crosdressing when there are people out there hurting and killing others and they are considered heros. How sick does that make the people worshipping them? All we do is wear clothes that society says we shouldn't. Something is not right! :mad:

[Collette]

Heck tell them. Do they pay your rent, put gas in your car, pay your bills. Probably not. My mother has hemmed some skirt that were to long. My brothers and sisters know all about me. As well as some of my guy friends. I know its rough, I was there. The truth shall set you free!

[ronni]

You know, Jenny, that you are right.
You want to show somebody, tell somebody.
But nobody is going to appreciate it.
Except for us here, that is.

I went so far as to make up little photo albums for my sisters, but I know they wouldn't get it. It's a hard secret to keep, but sometimes you just have to.

Any time you want to share you pictures with us, we'll get it.

[Jesse69]

It hurts when people call me a nerd, gay, or unpopular simply because of my crossdressing. It has hurt my career and past jobs. It still hurts to make new friends with the thought I might lose them if they found out.

My best friends except one of them know about me and they still like me. My family knows but they don't bother. I hope people at work will never know so that I don't have bad relations at my job.

If I ever get to marrying a woman I will let her know before we get married.

[Devilgal]

Jenny
All is takes is one person... who cares about you and accepts you in every way there is ...You know what the rest can do!!

And like I told you... you have more courage then any one I know took a lot of it to tellme.. and I will say it again I am proud of you.. very proud of you!!


What woman had never worn a man's shirt at time... I know i have...i just grab what evers there..hell hon I wear men's jeans they fit better I can get em long enough..no one gives it a second thought...
So why would a true friend give a second thought..about you... this one wont!!..This one hope all the hurt you have inside will fade some I know it wont ever go away but at least fade a bit

I am there for you...anytime ..I am only a short car ride away.

[JennyCD]

Thanks Devilgal, you're a sweety.

[ginafaye]

its just not worth all the complications.and maybee loss of family and friends for me..........for now its just my friends here that know and my love of my life