It's Over

[StephanieC]

Ok, for those of you that predicted the train wreck, you were correct.

We took two cars to my brother's Christmas dinner, she taking mine. I dropped off my mother and aunt and arrived back home about 30-45 min after my wife. When I did, she accused me with the evidence: the estrogen, the pictures, the voice lessons. She said this has been going on since before she met me and I obviously would be happier as a women. She will move to a different state, we will get divorced, and I will have to tell the kids...she assumes they will never want to see me again.

Forget how it happened, it did. So everything is on the tables and the chips will fall.

-stephani

[Veronica Lodge]

While I'm sure this is all very raw & upsetting for you, there has to be a part of you
that is glad that the hiding from your wife is now over.

I don't know your whole story, but it sounds like the hiding was bordering on the absurd.

Good luck, Stephanie.

[Barbara Ella]

Very sorry to hear this. I do not recall if she knew nothing about the dressing to begin with. If that is so, it is easy to see how this reaction could develop. I would hope she is willing to sit down and discuss things after they have cooled down a bit, but yes, you do have a train wreck to deal with. I hope you two will take some time before making any permanent decisions that cannot be reconsidered. I can only give you my best wishes and prayers for the both of you, and the children with the hope that some time will take the edge off the initial anger.

Barbara

[MeganHenry]

Very sorry to hear this. I do not recall if she knew nothing about the dressing to begin with. If that is so, it is easy to see how this reaction could develop. I would hope she is willing to sit down and discuss things after they have cooled down a bit, but yes, you do have a train wreck to deal with. I hope you two will take some time before making any permanent decisions that cannot be reconsidered. I can only give you my best wishes and prayers for the both of you, and the children with the hope that some time will take the edge off the initial anger.

Barbara

Great advice...that's what I love about this community. An old girlfriend introduced me to an idea about our words and how they are used she said "words are like a spent arrow once released you can't take them back". RVH

Take the time, be careful how you express yourself however don't hold back, you need to speak from the heart so the truth can be found.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry. :sad:

I can't make out from your post how you feel about this, if you knew it was coming based on your wife's non-acceptance of the steps you've been taking towards transition.

Or, was this a surprise for your wife? If so, were you planning on telling her eventually and also did you know that this would signal the beginning of the end?

Are you grieving about this, or relieved that the two of you will now each go your own way?

If you've discussed this in the past and I've missed some of your posts, I apologize.

[TerryTerri]

You do not mention the ages of the children. If they are minors, I hope the two of you are wise enough to not let the 'garbage' between you and her interfere with the wellbeing of the children. I have been very lucky, I have 2 ex-wifes that I have kids with and even though we are thankfully no longer married, we are still the parents! And, although she may assume the children will have nothing to do with you, that may not be true. I have a 15 year old daughter and 10 and 8 year old sons. My daughter is not only accepting, she is supportive and even encouraging. My sons love me because I'm a good father and I give them unselfish love. They acccept me and don't have a problem with me. However, they are not quite ready for me to be openly public with a transision. They are concerned about how their friends are going to be with them. I am waiting on them to be ready for that before I proceed. It is, as so much of this is, finding a balance between selfishness and selflessness. If I have faith and patience and try, I can accomplish and change what I need to for me, with a minimal disruption and hurt to those who are involved.
Anyway, Good luck to you!

[Beverley Sims]

I am sorry also, I do think the questions that reinee has asked are the valid ones.
When speaking to your wife about this do not shoot off at the mouth and try and stay calm even with a one sided conversation.
There is a future to consider, the children and eventual separation when and if that happens.
Tread this rocky road carefully and good luck.

[Nigella]

I'm sorry to read this but freedom does have a price to pay. I hope that you can sort this out without acrimony. :hugs:

[Inna]

On the other hand, I am as far from being sorry for you, as Mars is from Venus. I am getting to be the proverbial "tough love lady" but as it may be, you just opened the first REAL chapter of you true life. In fact I am ecstatic to hear that you will be following this path even though you know it will hurt and it shall be one of the hardest thing you have done so far.

Girl, all the power to you, and by embracing truth entirely, love shall follow, not the mere force of attraction of husband and wife, but true love of one self within this immense universe.

Believe you me, even though it may seem unattainable at this time, or too immense to phantom, serenity and wholeness shall be yours!

[kimdl93]

It seems you're faced with a huge life changing event. Many good questions above and good advice. I think in particular, you owe it to yourself and your children to take the next steps carefully and to communicate far more honestly and effectively with your wife. I doubt there's much chance of salvaging this marriage, but there can be an ongoing relationship with your children, which as noted above, also means getting along with your ex.

[StephanieC]

I'm sorry. :sad:

I can't make out from your post how you feel about this, if you knew it was coming based on your wife's non-acceptance of the steps you've been taking towards transition.

Or, was this a surprise for your wife? If so, were you planning on telling her eventually and also did you know that this would signal the beginning of the end?

Are you grieving about this, or relieved that the two of you will now each go your own way?

If you've discussed this in the past and I've missed some of your posts, I apologize.
My wife has known about the crossdressing for the last few years but assumed it was closeted. She was not aware of the other things...which have been in the last year or so.

Yes, I grieve. I don't want a break...we have spent the last 28 years building a home and a family. My children are 25 (this year) and 21 (as of Tues): they do not know though I have tried to discuss with my daughter (as well as my wife). My son is home for the holidays.

[arbon]

It may all be good, I mean I know it hurts, loss does, but at least it is all out in the open and you can start being honest and figure out what your going to do. As for you kids they are adults - they may or may not accept but over time they most likely will. I have known several trans women who's family initially rejected them but later came back into their lives. Hang in there, one day at a time. :hugs:

[Raychel]

I am so sorry to hear this. I never like to hear a marriage ending. I can see where the estrogen, the pictures, the voice lessons. could be a tough pill for your wife to swallow.
I hope you both end up happy in the end. :hugs:

[Nicole Brown]

I am also sorry for what you are going through, and I can well understand as I am going through exactly the same thing, although perhaps a year or more ahead of you.

I was faced with the same issue of having to tell my children about Nicole and my need to transition. I told my daughter at the end of November and my son about 2 weeks later. Children of their generation seem to be more open minded and more accepting of unusual things. My daughter's initial reaction was one of caring and acceptance. I will be going out to the west coast to visit with her in 2 weeks for the last time as my former self. We already have another visit planned about a month after that for the girls to meet.

My son, who lives about 6 miles from me, was upset when I told him of my changes but also said that he supported me although he didn't fully understand it. Both of them asked for time to process these changes but we are still talking and I have complete faith in who they are and their intelligence to ultimately accept me. This as opposed to their mother's statement that they will never accept me or want to know me.

When you do talk with them, be totally and completely honest with them. Tell them of your feelings and needs and talk about understanding and acceptance. We have a little tradition in our family of creating wish lists for the holidays to assist in purchasing gifts for each other. This year my wish list consisted simply of understanding and acceptance with caring and love also. I am a very lucky girl as I received all 4 of my wishes from each of my children.

[JohnH]

I'm sorry for the train wreck. My advice of keeping everything open from the beginning is too late for you. I urge others in this forum to reveal their cross dressing and transgender activities to their spouses in a gradual manner instead of having the spouse swallow the bitter pill of discovery on her part.

With my wife I may be on HRT and wear dresses and skirts openly. However, she wants me to continue to use my masculine name and speak with my masculine voice. She even asks me jokingly when I am going to have SRS.

However, I know my wife would have really had a fit if she discovered that I was secretly taking estrogen, having voice lessons, etc.

John

[Pamela Kay]

I'm so sorry Stephanie.

I had been married for 25 years when I couldn't deal with things anymore and went to a Therapist. I went twice without telling the wife before she got too suspicious and I had to tell her what I was doing. I thought I could go to therapy and get "fixed" and she wouldn't have to know, but I was wrong. As a result I had to tell her everything and what had been going on. First I thought I was just a crossdresser but that only lasted for a couple of months and it soon became apparent that it was far more than that.

We have sold the house and split all the assets and been seperated since August. We now live in the same apartment complex one building apart. I used my half of the house equity and had FFS, going full time when I got back on Oct 14th. We are going to divorce but haven't met with the lawyer to draw up the papers yet. I have a married son who just turned 24 this week and lives out of state. He doesn't understand either and there has only been a few emails and texts, and one conversation on the phone since I went full time. He hasn't seen me since FFS or going full time yet. My wife and I wanted to stay friends after this but given some of her actions recently that remains to be seen.

I'm only telling you this to let you know you aren't alone and even though a few have been able to transtion without loosing their spouse, they seem to be the exception and not the rule. There is going to be loss but hopefully your wife will soften her position when the shock wears off.

I also agree with Inna. The secret isn't secret anymore and now you have to decide what is best for you. If you haven't already, I would suggest seeing a gender therapist and working through both your gender and your marriage issues. My wife wasn't open to marriage or couples counselling but yours may be and that would be good for both of you too. This is a blessing as well as a train wreck and the weight of this secret has been lifted from your shoulders. Now that the truth is out you need to be true to yourself and decide if you do need to transition.

It sounds selfish but if you have put it off and hid it for this long then you haven't been being honest with yourself and doing what's best for you. It sounds like your wife already sees what that is.

Please message me if you need someone to talk too.

[ReineD]

Yes, I grieve. I don't want a break...we have spent the last 28 years building a home and a family. My children are 25 (this year) and 21 (as of Tues): they do not know though I have tried to discuss with my daughter (as well as my wife). My son is home for the holidays.

Hopefully your kids will not pick sides. My long term marriage ended as well (no gender issues), and unfortunately my oldest son picked his father's side. He didn't speak to me for 3 years and although we speak now, we are still very much estranged. I am heartbroken about this, still. Not a day goes by that I do not grieve. So, maybe you can have a conversation with your wife and ask her to do her best to not put the kids in the middle although if she is angry, I've no idea how this will be accomplished.

I do have a question though ... when did you plan on telling your wife? You've been taking concrete steps towards transition with estrogen and eventually, the physical changes would hardly have escaped notice. Or, were you hoping that she wouldn't notice and was it your plan to continue to live as a male and continue to crossdress but look a little more feminine with the help of estrogen?

In other words, are you in fact on your way to living full time with a legal name change, or was your goal always to switch back and forth? I ask, because this can make a huge difference with a spouse.

[melissaK]

Sweetie . . . There aren't enough words. Big hugs.

The changes were all afoot though. And you can go on. And if you can keep more truth in your new relationships it will all feel better the further this train wreck recedes into your rear view mirror.

It's going to ok in the long run. Really. Hugs.

[Stephanie47]

I took a quick jaunt over to your Flickr account and viewed the pictures. All I saw were pictures from the neck down. I was impressed. You'll make a very shapely attractive woman. You're 57 years old? Nah! Your legs are shapely. Your wardrobe is impressive.

How could your wife NOT find out you're transitioning? I'm happy your kids are adults, whether or not they approve. If it is your desire to transition to a woman, then, I suspect both of you will be happier than remaining married. It's tough enough for most women to live in a DADT relationship. To throw in restructuring the male form, voice lessons, appearing as the woman she did not marry, well, it may be too much for her to accept.

I wish you and your peace on this journey.

[Maria in heels]

Sorry to hear about this Stephanie... hopefully the kids will be accepting and understanding. It going to be a difficult road but you must deal with it as you choose...no turning back now

[StephanieC]

JohnH: This is very good advice. Unfortunately, I didn't really know about my situation until a few years ago, way after we were first married. I thought this was some weird temporary condition before I was married and it was a long time before I understood what it was. My wife has known about my crossdressing for 2-3 years though.

Pamela: "when I couldn't deal with things anymore and went to a Therapist. I went twice without telling the wife before she got too suspicious and I had to tell her what I was doing. I thought I could go to therapy and get "fixed" and she wouldn't have to know, but I was wrong. "...this is precisely what I did. I invoked the mental health portion of my health insurance to see why I was acting like this. After being in therapy for a number of months, the therapist suggested she could not do anything further until I made up my mind to transition. My wife has noticed less facial hair and "bumps in front" but wasn't sure until she found the evidence (which all seemed to be in the same place).

ReineD: I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think I have a great relationship with my kids but my wife suggested that my daughter would hardly like to have a freak dad walk her down the aisle (she's not married but does have a boyfriend). They don't like my hair, nail polish (actually, clear "nail growth" paint..which has a gloss), or watch (ladies, leather bracelet type) but I think they find me more approachable...plus I baby them. I don't think they doubt they are loved...by us both. "when was I planning to tell my wife?"...I've tried a number of times. Because of my age, I didn't know what effect HRT would have on me or the timing. I was hoping it was gradual and an opportunity would present. I don't think I had a grand plan: one thing seemed to lead to another.

In my head, I don't think I really thought about this in detail. Inna is right...this is the serious part. I feel I have a number of people supporting my journey but I don't really know how much of that will turn out to be real until I hit the truly hard parts...like this. The head does not feel the pains of the heart.

Thank you all for your sentiments.

-stephani

[ReineD]

I wish you well along your journey, Stephanie. You, and your family members as well. Hopefully in a few years it will all have fallen into place, your wife will have moved on, your kids will have reconciled themselves to a feminine father, and you will have found peace and happiness in your new life as a woman. :hugs:

[Kate T]

Stephanie

You seem to be a nice enough sort of person. I'm not TS so I don't truly understand the absolute need expressed by TS individuals to transition, as a consequence I do find the hiding and the lying to be the most disconcerting part, as I suspect your wife does.

Given that you truly wish to transition and as you say, the chips have fallen now, perhaps you need to take this opportunity to be truly open and honest with your wife. In addition I suggest you need to start seriously planning and anticipating what you want. It would seem unlikely that your wife could go from DADT to acceptance of transition (stranger things have happened though) but if you can now be truthful and honest about everything then perhaps you could still eventually come to be friends with your SO. The more I read on these forums, the more I think that most of the problems we encounter occur because we are being deceitful, both to our loved ones and to ourselves, if we can overcome the fear of telling the truth then we can at least attain a least best outcome insteaad of just pain and suffering for everyone involved.

Good Luck

[GinaD]

Stephani, I am sorry you are going through this. I went through the same thing and it was the most difficult time ever. Just take things one day at a time, and try to keep moving forward. There are really no words that take any of the pain of this kind of thing away. Good luck kid.

[Davida77]

Sorry to hear your news. Hopefully it'll work out in the long run...

[Nicole Erin]

Since the kids are grown, you will not be dealing with legal issues revolving around them at least. If you get along with your kids now and always have, they are not going to turn against you. We, the children of our parents, are in a spot where there are two parents and we cannot really "pick sides".

Right now it hurts but that does pass and eventually it will be a relief to not be married. I was hurting when I was going thru my divorce (partially over being TG, of course) but I soon got to a point where I was glad. No one hounding me about how I dress or live. Of course I WON'T put up with someone telling me how to live, did that for the first 35 years of my life.

I think you might want to reflect on all the reasons you and her are splitting, I imagine it is more than just the fact that you are TS. Being TS alone is seldom enough to break a relationship.