A rant about proof.....

[Peta_T]

My appoligies to all about this rant but I need to vent a little....

Another year has passed and I am still no closer to being happy or even content with myself. For those that don't know me, there is ZERO chance of me being anything other than a "guy in a dress". Regardless of what I am inside.

As New Years comes again my thoughts turn once again to what I want to achieve this year. Problem is medical science has not progressed to the point where I could be accepted as the woman I am.

The depression, the feelings of anger and disgust towards myself, all are not great assets for leading a productive life. (Clarification I am NOT suicidal, I could never cause my family that much pain.)

But all this gets me to thinking WHY am I like this.

They say that in science you cannot prove a negative. I question if the same though applies to religion?

This is not about peoples beliefs, everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs. I have lived in catholic run colleges while at Uni so I have been shown a lot of the catholic faith, but I wonder if I am proof that God does not exist, or is different to what is taught.

God is supposed to be all powerful, all knowing, all merciful right? Well if that is the case, why would they condemn a female soul to live a life of pain in a male body?

Some people have told me that the cause of my pain is me, I'm a man and that is the end of it. But that does not change how I feel inside. All it really does is make me feel worse about myself. I guess it does for others in the same place.

What am I trying to say here.....I guess it comes down to this.

Does the fact that some people are born in the wrong body to match their gender count as proof that societies view of religion is flawed?

(Once again sorry about the long post, had to get it off my chest)

[Miriam-J]

This is difficult to address without getting into religious topics, which are not permitted on this particular forum.

But, I appreciate the pain you feel and hope that you can find a path to peace within or outside your religious beliefs. I know of others who seem to find contentment in a transgendered life even without the full female appearance. I don't know how they do it, but expect that it includes a certain amount of quiet acceptance of your reality no matter what it entails.

I hope that you can find your peace within your own reality in the new year.

Miriam

[bimini1]

I felt the whole gender discomfort behavior/thought pattern was some deep spiritual thing for some time. But having similar thoughts as yours have led me to conclude its a lot less spiritual and to do with some grand creator somewhere and more to do with some clinical something in the biology of how we're wired.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Lots of babies are born every year with birth defects, transsexualism is one of them. I am sure those born without legs or whatnot are also ask the same questions.

[Sylvermane]

I sadly am with you in this situation. Knowing full well that I will never be more than a guy in a dress. But the people here, and the few people in real life (girlfriend, mom, even dad) want me, (us) to be happy. In my case I've realized that I need to find happiness in what I have... because it won't change. Accepting yourself for what you are, even if its hard is the best thing you can attempt to do. I feel exactly the same as you do but realize that this is what I've got and that's it. Small comforts are the best you and I can hope for. Yes we are guys in a dress. But how do we feel when we are in a dress. Do the best you can with what you have, or in this case are.

You definitely aren't alone. I hope that is somewhat comforting as it comforts me, knowing that I am not alone in this.

*EDIT* Looks like I rambled on, but I don't know any other way to say it.

[arbon]

I am sorry you are hurting.

I don't know why you are the way you are or know why I am like I am, I just am. Its the cards I was dealt how I live with it is up to me. And its up to you how you choose to live with it.

I guess I don't really care what society's view is or what religion thinks, but am more curious if you are a woman inside why can't you live as one? And why can't you try to change your body as much as you can through hrt and surgery? I know it is great to look good and all, but I know a lot of trans women who are pretty visibly trans, I mean some who do not pass all! but still a lot happier living as women then they ever were as men and they would never go back. I'm often still identified as male by people but that is other peoples deal, I know who I am and I definitely do not have live as a guy and never will again. Its not great but at least I don't feel like I'm living a lie and regretting my life. I'm doing what I can do about it and I feel pretty good about who I am today even if sometimes people do see me as that guy in a dress - I don't really give a .....

Anyway good luck, I hope you can figure out what you need to do to be happy with who you are. :hugs:

[Laura912]

It is interesting that we sometimes place fault for something we do not understand on something that we cannot prove...crossdressing and religion. Once, an eclipse was blamed on anger from the supreme beings. Now, we know the answer. Someday the same may be true of crossdressing.

[Dawn cd]

Peta, it's not clear who you're ranting about here. You asked, if "God is supposed to be all powerful, all knowing, all merciful . . . why would they condemn a female soul to live a life of pain in a male body?" Who is "they"? Are you complaining about God or about some "religious" people? If you're complaining about God, then you need do to it in another forum. If you're complaining about religious bigots, then you need to seek out different folks, because there are many believers on this forum and elsewhere who accept and support transgendered people.

[Annette Anderson]

As New Years comes again my thoughts turn once again to what I want to achieve this year. Problem is medical science has not progressed to the point where I could be accepted as the woman I am.

What do you mean?.You just started thinking like this during the holidays?. Many people get depressed during the holidays.I used to until i let the past go.Just my opinion but i would try not to make any major life decisions in a depressed state.Yeah,there are ton's of things i probably will never be or do,but i do not dwell on these things at some point you just have to live.If you have a problem with god and transgenderism,I think i would try to find someone in the church to talk to.

[Jennifer Sophia]

One thing that I have realized through my course of therapy, is that the only thing stopping me from dressing or transitioning is myself. My fear of what other people say, think or will do. You have to let go of that fear and realize what others think about you does not matter. It's a hard thing to left go, I know I am still trying to get over the fear.

[RADER]

Peta;
You have a lot of company in that boat your in. I, myself will never pass. I would
be like Paul Bunin in a dress also. With large hands, shoulders, size 14-WWW shoes,
and 6'3" and 300 lbs, I do not think I would be a cast choicest for a sugar plum fairy.
Hang in there, we all can not look like a movie star, or a fashion model.
I will always stay in my closet, but I will be happy wearing my dress.
Rader

[ReineD]

Another year has passed and I am still no closer to being happy or even content with myself. For those that don't know me, there is ZERO chance of me being anything other than a "guy in a dress". Regardless of what I am inside.

I have a friend who is 6' 4", who did transition in her late 40s early 50s. She was not blessed with a feminine looking face or body, even with HRT, and it was difficult after SRS when she was still being read as a man, but she got through it. She was able to transition on the job, albeit with a transfer. She did lose her marriage, and last I heard her adult children were still not speaking to her, but she did what she had to do.

So ... no matter how you look, there is always a way. The end results might not be ideal, but it is entirely doable if you can no longer bear to live as a man.



Problem is medical science has not progressed to the point where I could be accepted as the woman I am.

I don't know what image you have in mind, but there are many GGs who do not have an ideal face and body either. Yet, they still function very well. Quite a few of our TS members have transitioned, they started out looking manly too, but they are achieving peace and contentment in their lives. You should have a look at all the pictures they've posted and see for yourself.

If you decide to continue living as a man, then it should be because YOU want to, because YOU have chosen to (for any reason that you feel is valid), and not because you feel that you could never transition. Otherwise, you'll spend your life pining away and this is no way to live. You need to realize that no matter how you look, it is doable if you should so choose. Maybe knowing that it is entirely within your control will help you to be at peace with the decisions that you end up making for yourself.

[Rianna Humble]

For those that don't know me, there is ZERO chance of me being anything other than a "guy in a dress". Regardless of what I am inside.

That was one of the lies that I told myself for over four decades. Another was "no-one would want the sort of ugly old woman that I would become".

Guess what? Neither was true for me and I'm sure they will not be true for you either.

To be perfectly clear, I am NOT saying that you have to transition, if you can live a quality life without the pain of transition, I say "go for it". What I AM saying is that the excuse that you will look like a man in a dress is just that - an excuse to do nothing.

[Alice B]

None of the outside influnces reall matter. Just accept who you are and enjoy your time as Peta. Don;t try to be someone else.

[Jenny Gurl]

Without getting deep into religion, many chose a religion based on their own beliefs. Some are accepting of the fact that you have been born with two spirits, and if religion is something you wish to have in your life you would do well to seek out a denomination that accepts you as you are. Trying to belong to a church who's religion condemns who you were born to be can only stunt your growth as a spiritual person. We live this life and know deep within us that being a different gender is not a choice. Knowing this for certain means we can't and should not try to change our very nature within, but find people and places who are more accepting rather than ones who condemn our very existence.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-susan-russell/episcopal-church-makes-landmark-decision-for-transgender-inclusion_b_1659928.html

http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_17608273

[Eryn]

Moderator's Note:

Folks, I didn't see this thread until it had several replies, so I didn't want to move or lock it. Discussion of the secular aspects of the OP's issues are fine, but if you wish to discuss the religious aspects please start a new thread in the Religion forum.

Thanks, Eryn

[Peta_T]

Hi Eryn,

Sorry if this thread breaks the rules, if you need to move/close/remove the thread then that is ok.

I was not trying to start a discussion about religion, more I was/am really down at present about how and why I've ended up where I am in life.
Was there a religious part, yes I guess there was. But I was not passing an opinion specifically on religion itself. More I was asking why/how we can end up with our "physical sex" being the opposite of the gender of our soul.

Please, I know that no-one can answer that question. It's just that at New Years, I reflect, as many people do on what they have achieved the previous year and what they have not. One thing I wanted to achieve this year was to be happy with who I am. Sad to say I'm not happy because the person walking to work is NOT me. It's just a hated male shell.
The point is that I'm just really depressed this year. There are a LOT of reasons why. It was this that is the source of the original post.

The comments by all those who have responded so far all point to one thing, I'm not as alone as I feel. That in itself is probably the best gift that this site imparts.

I know that transition is really the only way I'll every find some small happiness, and be-damned what the world thinks. (The snickers and giggles still hurt though.)
I know that the longer I'm on HRT the better, and FFS/surgery is getting better all the time.
The thing that stops me though is fear. Fear of being more alone than I already am, fear of losing everyone in my life.

Thanks to all for the support.
Peta

[noeleena]

Hi,

I think people know me more than well enough to know what i am, & im talking about many 1000's of people who i have seen face to face & many 1000's more who see me . not including my many friends,

Stephanie, im not a dresser or trans of any kind I was born different are you then going to rule out of hand those of us who are intersex, just because we dont = many of us who dont look like females or women, or are we just men dressed as woman,

I have many friends who have both sets of organs both male & female so what are we then, some of us have wombs yet cant give birth to children others are more male yet cant help in help in Giveing sperm ,& many more are different again.
Gender is..... NOT... detirmined by what organs we are born with as iv said some of us have both or they are a malfunction & can not be used as should, ether way,

An other detail is is how our brain is wired our hormones are different, & work differently, another point is some of us have a female brain & some a male brain. & some of us are mismatched,

Another point will be from very young , part of this refers to myself i never thought as a boy & from age 10 on i knew what i was, i cant think as a male because i dont know how to, never did. These are only a few details concerning us do we have to be rejected because we are different or is this some... WONT ... accept we are different ,

...noeleena...

[Eryn]

Peta, your original post mentioned religion so it was a bit over the line. However, several people had already responded to the secular part of your post so I didn't want to damage their work, hence my warning to stay away from the religious aspect.

If you do wish to explore the religious aspect, there is a private forum specifically for that. I encourage you to join that forum and check it out. Lots of good folk there!

[sometimes_miss]

It's pretty simple. If you're religious, then you simply have to accept that the world is full of mysteries that you will never find reasons for, or understand. If you're not, then you have to be a scientist and gain all the information you can about the problem you are presented with, form a hypothesis, then work from there to create a workable theory to explain what you have found. And THAT is rarely easy. Took me what, three decades to figure myself out? Best of luck! And, happy reading, because you're going to be doing a lot of it. As far as proof? Well, since we don't experiment on human beings, you're probably never going to have any proof, just a working theory. I wish you all the best, because at the end, what it really comes down to, is just accepting yourself for what you are, and not letting yourself go nuts because of it. There's nothing wrong with who we are. Just because a large percentage of society thinks there's something wrong with us, doesn't mean that they're right. Eventually, we'll be proven right, but sadly, it probably won't come in our own lifetime.

[arbon]

Hi Peta - I know how you feel I have been there. Its a terrible place to be. Your fears are valid, transition can be a brutal deal. No easy answers. But not hopeless either - people get through it and to the other side.

[Rianna Humble]

The comments by all those who have responded so far all point to one thing, I'm not as alone as I feel. That in itself is probably the best gift that this site imparts.

I know that transition is really the only way I'll every find some small happiness, and be-damned what the world thinks. (The snickers and giggles still hurt though.)
I know that the longer I'm on HRT the better, and FFS/surgery is getting better all the time.
The thing that stops me though is fear. Fear of being more alone than I already am, fear of losing everyone in my life.

You most definitely are not alone! I would encourage you to check out the Transsexual Forum where you will find many people who are in a similar position to you and many more who know what it was like when we used to be in that position.

Hormone Therapy is not guaranteed to turn you into the world's most desirable woman - I must agree with you there - but if, as your words suggest, you are suffering a high degree of Gender Dysphoria, then hormone therapy can alleviate that and give you a chance of living as your true self.

I know that the snickers and catcalls can be very hurtful, but each time that it happens to me I weigh that against the immense relief that I now feel to be living the truth instead of the lies I told myself for nearly half a century.

Unfortunately, until you are ready to face the possibility of losing everything and everyone in your life, you may not be ready for transition.

I thought I might lose everyone and worse still that the shock might kill my aged father. Neither of those things came true - at work I have better and more varied friendships than I ever had in my old life. People I expected to react against my transition came to me privately to offer support, and people have even been coming up to me in the street to offer moral support and more.

Don't let me paint too rosy a picture. I know some people who have lost absolutely everything and as a segment of the population, we are at a disproportionately high risk of becoming victims of violence.

Even those I know who have lost everything agree that it is worth it not to have to live with the Gender Dysphoria.

If you are not seeing a gender therapist, I would strongly urge you to seek one out so that (s)he can help you to work through your feelings and your fears until you work out for yourself what is the best answer in your particular circumstances. :hugs:

[kimdl93]

I wont dive into the religious question. Rather, I think you need to focus on your own situation. Instead of presuming that you can never bring your body and mind into harmony, would you be willing to consider making changes, incrementally, that might reduce, and then over time close the gap between the two? It's your life, so rather than feeding depression, do something to make it better.

[EllieOPKS]

I agree with Kimdl93. Instead of whining put together a course of action that will change your gender physically to match your mental image. Between drugs and surgery you can completely change. And no whining about costs, if you want it bad enough you can afford it.

[Kate Simmons]

Nope, it simply means we are fulfilling our main purpose for being here which is to experience feelings and emotions in the illusion of linear time. Our own personal grid program, which determines how we react to our circumstances, interfaces with the main grid program as does everyone else's. It's way more detailed and complicated than it appears on the surface but trust me my friend everything happens for a reason.:)

[Beverley Sims]

If I were you I would see a gender specialist and have a talk with them.
Religion is not going to cure you and pastoral help would guide you in the correct direction I think.
You do need someone to help you with your troubled life.

[Amy Fakley]

God is supposed to be all powerful, all knowing, all merciful right? Well if that is the case, why would they condemn a female soul to live a life of pain in a male body?


* wisdom teeth
* nearsightedness
* male pattern baldness
* appendicitis
* seasonal allergies
* attention deficit disorders
* acne

... I could go on ...

We are not products from an assembly line, purposefully designed and under warranty. We are wild-ass adaptations, the accumulation of eons of all the infinite answers to this one question: "does it work well enough to reproduce?".

Leaving the religious implications of the above alone, that single realization was a milestone in my own understanding and acceptance of myself. This is the very nature of humanity, but by and large the society we live in discourages us from seeing things this way. The very word "perversion", which is so often used to describe us, presumes that there is some uniform initial state that we all share, and that something has gone wrong and broken us so that we are "malfunctioning" in some way.

********! as the British would say! That is complete and utter nonsense.
We are who we are, because there are an infinite number of ways to be human.

Hang in there! I hope you find some peace in 2013 ... I hope I do as well :-)

[Erica Marie]

Its not you or your fault. Its not god or his fault. I blame society and the closed and narrow minded individuals amoungst us. If we were just looked at people and not male or female then we all could live life as we were ment to be. But society lays out these roles we are suppose to follow. Who says we cant live and dress as a female and still perform our male role. Why is it more ok for a female to wear coveralls and dirty jeans and work construction or fix cars? We are all just people let us live !!!!!