A sexless marriage?

[AlanaG]

Sorry for my soapbox rant. You can ignore me….

My gawd, I miss sex. My wife doesn't want it hardly at all. Being in our 60's doesn't help; you know the LowT syndrome and I'm sure she has her hormone issues as well. Plus the old plumbing doesn't work as well as it used to. My wife tolerates me dressing, but has told me that in fact it turns her off.

But just like jessicaswife asked in her recent post, stress causes me to want to dress more. And no sex does cause some stress. Sex is a great stress reliever. I'm sure that my dressing is at least part of the reason for my sexless marriage. I have to take matters into my own hands these days more and more. But it sure isn't the same as with a warm and affectionate partner.

I've even had thoughts of finding someone on the side; I'd even entertain the idea of another guy. There are certain fantasies, i.e. itches that I'd like to scratch. But that has stress inducers as well.

I hate getting old.

[ColleenCD]

Alana,

It sounds like you're a veteran at marriage. Short answer to this issue with so many variables is start talking with your wife about each others needs. You'll have to give a little, she'll have to give a little, it's a start.

Best wishes,

Colleen

[Angela d'Evial]

I am in exactly in the same situation exept the fact that I know for sure that not having sex is not due to my crossdressing because she didn't want to have sex before I told her that I was a crossdresser.

[sissystephanie]

I lost my wife to cancer a little over 7 years ago after almost 50 years of marriage. So my sex life disappeared. Of course I was in my 70's then so the sex life had definitely slowed down. Now I am 80 y/o and don't seem to even miss sex!! I do have a lady friend whom I refer to as my girlfriend, but unfortunately for me she is married and lives in Scotland. So there is no sex there!!

I don't hate being old, because the alternative is much worse!! But it would be nice to have an affectionate partner!! But not a man, NO WAY!!

BTW, I lived in the Seattle area for 15 years before we moved to Georgia. If I live long enough I will be back in the Seattle area. Hopefully within 2 or 3 years!!

[Allison Chaynes]

At the risk of sounding a little crass, sex is like bridge- you don't need a partner if you got a good hand :)

But seriously I know what you mean. It's important to us, I think anyway, because sex with our SO validates us and who we are. I know I want it more when dressed, and here lately it's not happening much due to a number of things, hopefully not CDing.

[marny]

I'm in the same boat as angela. My wife lost interest in sex with the 'joy' of menopause. I found my outlet in dressing. i had dabbled before but dressing became something that really worked for me while still keeping my marriage together. I'll never stop loving her without the sex, 10 years now, and she hasn't stopped loving me. I think with age we have to adjust to who we are.

[SandraInHose]

Ours is not sexless, but certainly is well into the backward slide. Started nine years ago with her learning of my CDing, and she felt I didn't 'need' her, which I've tried extremely hard to prove her wrong. After all, I had been CDing since I was 13, long before I married her, and all through our marriage. But once she found out, it definitely took a toll on the desire part for her. Couple that mindset with her weight gain from thyroid issues, and she says she just doesn't feel sexy at all. I like plus-sized women, and she's well aware of that, and I've never made any negative comments regarding her weight, and she does appreciate that. If anything, I tell her (daily) how much I'm attracted to her. But no matter how hard I try to make her feel sexy she just has difficulty developing and sexiness from within. Which basically kills the mood more often than not. We're both early 50's but I'm just as horny as I was when I was 25, so it's just a matter of making her feel wanted. Lord knows I try...every day. Nowadays it's maybe once a month for us.

[denese013]

How many times a week is biannual?

[GaleWarning]

It's tough when one partner's (SO's) sex drive is way higher than the other's.
But these days there are alternatives!
Use you imagination ...
:o

[Angela Campbell]

This is pretty common. Many times a womans sex drive just goes away. Especially when Menopause sets in. Nothing you can do, if you love her it isn't that hard to live with it.

[Kate Simmons]

You'd be surprised what you can do when you really want to. Having a loving partner makes a lot of difference, no matter what physical age we are.:)

[Vickie_CDTV]

You should talk to your doctor about the medical side of your issue, as there are options that might help (such as testosterone replacement therapy.)

Cheating on your wife is asking for trouble. Among other reasons you shouldn't do that, is that if you divorce she can use it against you (especially if it was with a male!) It is never a good idea to give someone rope to hang you with.

[Michelle 51]

Hi Alana
You described our marriage to a T.I'm in my early60s and she is in her late 50s and she had a late menopause.She blames the dressing but I think it,s an excuse to hide the fact she has no interest in sex since the change.I 've never tried toys but am an old "hand" at certain things.Nothing comes close to intimate contact with another person.I could find a girlfriend I suppose but did that once 30 yrs ago and that has a downside so its easier to live in the same house with her in a sexless relationship and think of the good old days and play with the grandkids when they come over.Life can always be worse so make the best of what you have.

[Cheryl T]

As my mom told me long ago "there''s more to love than just sex".
Intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex if you are truly in love.

[Beverley Sims]

Talk to each other and keep working at it.
There are others that share the same predicament.
Yes, getting old is one of them.

[WifeofWrenchette]

This is pretty common. Many times a womans sex drive just goes away. Especially when Menopause sets in. Nothing you can do, if you love her it isn't that hard to live with it.that's what has happened with me. I just no longer have the desire. My ob/gyn told me the other day I was in menopause (not like I hadn't already figured that out, LOL) but that must be the reason. My poor husband has a strong sex drive and I love him to pieces, but the desire just isn't there anymore and there seems to be nothing I can about it. :( I love Snow White's idea of female Viagra. Wish I had some, I know it would make him happier.

[Angela Campbell]

One thing to keep in mind. Just because there is no desire does not mean you cannot do anything. Remember we don't have any desire to take out the trash but it is not a good thing to just ignore it because I have no desire to do it. There still needs to be intimate contact even if it is different than what was once a regular thing. Imagination. If you both care for each other you will both find a way to be happy and both be satisfied. Use your imagination, there is no reason to just give up. Menopause can last over ten years.

[Annaliese]

As some have said your dressing is not the problem, I will be 60 in the spring sex life Zero, but in talking to my friends my same age there in the same boat. It is part of getting old, some of the younger will say pore B#####, but I find that dressing does relive a lot of stress, and dressing is not about sex either, it just lets me be me.

[Amanda M]

This is in fact a very common situation, and requires some VERY gentle handling.
There are many, many reasons why women lose interest in sex – some physical and some psychological – and for the most part, they can all be treated.
Hormonal changes, especially around menopause, can cause sex to become painful, and menopause too can produce some psychological symptoms that result in a lowered sex drive for women - often issues around self-image, and what is happening to her womanhood.
While I understand that she may be a bit reluctant to talk to her Doctor about this, let me assure you that he has seen it all and heard it all before – many times! He is only there to help, and should be her first port of call, to make sure that there is no physical reason for this lack of interest.

On balance of probability, it is most likely that the cause is more psychological and than physical, but it is important to rule out the physical first. Stress issues, changes in her lifestyle or relationship or hormonal problems could all play a part.

When that has been done, you can explore the psychological issues that might be at work, and first, I'd like you to have a look at this website:
http://health.msn.com/health-topics/sexual-health/womens-sexual-health/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100186622
She needs to understand quite clearly how this is making you feel - unloved, unwanted, rejected I suspect. This is something you both must talk about, but calmly and without blaming or shaming.
However, bear in mind that this is a very difficult time for her, emotionally, physically and hormonally – so above all else, be gentle and don’t try to force things. Be kind and encouraging, and suggest that it would be good for your relationship if she was to get help from her Doc. That’s the first step on the way to solving an all too common problem.

Going outside the relationship to satisfy your physical needs is an option – perhaps the worst you could conceive of. When she finds out – and probably she will – it will simply validate her opinion of herself as being un attractive and unloveable. Remember, this is the woman you love.

Best, Amanda

[Stephanie47]

It wasn't cross dressing that has lead to a decrease in activity. It has been getting older with more ailments for both of us. Things just do not work out when someone puts on an extra sixty pounds (not me). And, there are now back/spine and joint injuries (both). I kind of lost the desire when the mechanics became painful. Throw in a little bit of Agent Orange diabetes and you've had it.

When my wife first recognized my interest in women's clothing was more than bedroom play, there was the accusation I only bought her lingerie because I envisioned myself wearing it. (No) For awhile I could tell by her expressive eyes, she had visions of me en femme, although she has never seen me en femme. That put a damper on sex for awhile.

[TxKimberly]

I'm afraid that in my marriage, we have the same problem but the responsibility is mine. I've never had a strong sexual need, and now at 47 it is pretty much non-existent. My poor wife has flat out told me "I miss sex", but I have no real "urge", and unlike a kind a woman, the male in a relationship can not "fake" it . . .
I worry very much that THIS might be what kills our marriage. Sigh . . .

[kimdl93]

I understand that individuals are likely to experience performance issues and lessening of desire with age. Physical factors play a big role. If you're fit enough to exercise, do so. It's shown to increase both ability and desire. If you haven't talked to a,physician, do so there are a number of conditions that can affect sexual desire and performance as well as other aspects of life. And these conditions can be,treated. If the physical factors are ruled out, consider seeing a psychologist...they may be able to help you regain an interest in sex.

[Lynn Marie]

From what I can tell, most married couples really don't even like each other. They just stay together because it's comfortable, financial advantages, marriage vows, the church, the kids, etc. Real affection and love and respect seems to be absent not only in my marriage (happily divorced now), but in the vast multitude of marriages I've seen. So it seems to me that no sex is simply a byproduct of having lost that "loving feeling".

[charlytuna]

My problem is not the age thing so much {I'm in my 60's wife is 10 younger] is the medical issue. She support my dressing, in fact it turn her on. The problem is that she has lots of pain mostly in her leg can't touch her at times but we have our strong love and she helps me out whenever & however she can. Like today her pain bad and she encourage and help me get dress that took some tension off and even painted my nails for me and brush out my wig. maybe latter we can do something

[~Joanne~]

This whole topic depresses me. How can anyone say that sex isn't a part of love? While not the whole of the matter, it certainly is a part of it. For some, more important than for others, but if your SO/wife/gf can't "help" you out, in one way or another, there is a problem there.

I read constantly through the forum, from subject to subject, about "her needs" but what about yours? Do your needs ever get to take a front seat? or are they suppose to always be in the back seat?

[Bo-peep]

I went into early menopause; I lost interest in sex. I started on hrt to relieve the hot flushes etc ... But I have to say that at the time I was in a relationship with someone who did not overly excite me anyway so I had little interest in the sex side of things . At fifty years of age I thought my sex life was over and to be honest I did not really care. It seemed the less I had sex the less I wanted it. My partner had a very low sex drive and suffered premature ejaculation and did that '' roll over and go to sleep'' ritual which made me even less inclined to bother. Our relationship ended after 4 yrs... I breathed a sigh of relief and lived alone and thought that I was content.
But then .... a man came into my life who I just had immediate chemistry with!! Mind blowing earth shattering chemistry!!
I remember the day I met him ... I actually trembled ... it was like a flood of adrenalin.
Fortunately he felt the same about me and we have been together for nine months.
I have been transformed into a raving nymphomaniac! :eek: Never in all my life have I felt this way ... never in my life has anyone had this effect on me.

So menopause does not have to spell the end of interest in sex :):love:

[StephanieC]

When my partner got to a certain age, this became a rarity. Over the years, she also put on weight and became self conscious about her body. By the time I started hormones, we were a matched set.

I agree with the comment above: there are many ways to be intimate and to show love.

-stephani

[Eryn]

The simple answer to your problems (as well AS MINE) is a FEMALE Viagra.

IF MORE sexual health Researchers (like Alfred Kinsey) were female-then it would have been on the market a long time ago.

I recall reading that Viagra has pretty much the same effect on males or females as far as physiological arousal goes. Males get erections, females get engorgement of the labial and vaginal tissues.

The reason that Viagra is prescribed to men is because, if there is a problem, men need viagra to function at all.

As far as a supposed male bias in medical care, one wonders why breast cancer gets so much more attention than prostate or testicular cancer...

[Eryn]

Snow, Viagra doesn't give men the desire for sex either, just the physiological tool to accomplish it. Now, possession of that tool may lead to the desire through nothing more than kinesthetic memories of times past. The same may apply to females.

Aging men's libidos might be just as low as their partner's but egos and societal pressure demand that men be ready to satisfy their partner at the drop of a hat, hence the sales figures for little blue pills.

[docrobbysherry]

Alana, I'm very sorry u r suffering. U describe yourself as "married". However, it doesn't sound like one to me. U 2 r room mates now. U did confuse me when u rote about having an "affectionate" SO, tho?

When the sex went out of my marriage, so did the affection. Both of us knew it wouldn't lead anywhere so we both dispensed it lot less. After a time, I realized our marriage was over. Separating and divorcing was NOT fun! But, I began dressing about then. Sex and Sherry came into my life! Along with a great group of folks here! Dating at my age is no picnic. But, I'm 10 times happier than I was with my ex!

And, I'm free to dress and to meet my new T friends!

[AlanaG]

Alana,

It sounds like you're a veteran at marriage. Short answer to this issue with so many variables is start talking with your wife about each others needs. You'll have to give a little, she'll have to give a little, it's a start.

Best wishes,

Colleen

Colleen you are right, married for 38 years. I have talked and talked about sex issues for just about all those 38 years. I'm tired of talking. And I've given and given.


I hear ya, Alana. Getting old ain't for sissies (of either gender).

In MY opinion (& experiences with Tara) your dressing probably is not the reason for a sexless marriage. Hormones are what we should be angry with....I sure am: i.e.: Peri-MEAN-o-pause.

I wish I could get a 'pause' from this %#@*&^%$#!+.

When s(he) becomes Tara, s(he) is stress-free. Stress-free=happy, carefree.

How often are you Alana? (I apologize, I haven't taken the time to look at any of your other posts.)

If it is everyday, then that would be a turn-off for me. But, if otherwise, then maybe you could look into other 'adventures' you have fantasized about doing with her (& ONLY her). NO others in your marital bed - is my opinion.

We have indulged in 'harmless' bedroom play since we met (4 1/2 yrs. ago) that I didn't even KNOW about. And, I was a 'cool hippie chick' livin' & lovin' in the 70's.

Maybe a trip together to your local adult bookstore (they don't sell BOOKS-who came up with that terminology?) as a 'last ditch effort' to help the both of you?

It sure helped us. Just being there TOGETHER, looking, giggling, "Oh MY'ing", 'how could anybody want to use this for that...?"- is fun. Having to whisper back & forth , and speaking out of the sides of our mouths (so as not to offend others) brings you TOGETHER.

Ask her if she would be willing to go on an 'Adventure' with you-because you love her and want to revitalize 'the fire' SHE once had for you so that you two can be close again?

Snow

Snow.
I dress a couple of times a week. By dressing I'm talking about hose, skirt and top. I don't do the wig or makeup. I've tried not dressing for a few weeks at a time to see if she would respond but she doesn't. She has never been interested in anything other than "making love". She won't step foot into an adult bookstore. I've tried.



As my mom told me long ago "there''s more to love than just sex".
Intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex if you are truly in love.

Cheryl
I agree 100%. But, sex is and always has been a very big thing for me. Without sex it’s like asking me to not eat pizza again and only eat soup.


This is in fact a very common situation, and requires some VERY gentle handling.
There are many, many reasons why women lose interest in sex; some physical and some psychological; and for the most part, they can all be treated.
Hormonal changes, especially around menopause, can cause sex to become painful, and menopause too can produce some psychological symptoms that result in a lowered sex drive for women - often issues around self-image, and what is happening to her womanhood.
While I understand that she may be a bit reluctant to talk to her Doctor about this, let me assure you that he has seen it all and heard it all before; many times! He is only there to help, and should be her first port of call, to make sure that there is no physical reason for this lack of interest.

On balance of probability, it is most likely that the cause is more psychological and than physical, but it is important to rule out the physical first. Stress issues, changes in her lifestyle or relationship or hormonal problems could all play a part.

When that has been done, you can explore the psychological issues that might be at work, and first, I'd like you to have a look at this website:
http://health.msn.com/health-topics/sexual-health/womens-sexual-health/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100186622
She needs to understand quite clearly how this is making you feel - unloved, unwanted, rejected I suspect. This is something you both must talk about, but calmly and without blaming or shaming.
However, bear in mind that this is a very difficult time for her, emotionally, physically and hormonally; so above all else, be gentle and don't try to force things. Be kind and encouraging, and suggest that it would be good for your relationship if she was to get help from her Doc. That's the first step on the way to solving an all too common problem.

Going outside the relationship to satisfy your physical needs is an option; perhaps the worst you could conceive of. When she finds out; and probably she will; it will simply validate her opinion of herself as being un attractive and unloveable. Remember, this is the woman you love.

Best, Amanda

Amanda
You are very insightful and have given me some thoughts to mull over. Thanks


This whole topic depresses me. How can anyone say that sex isn't a part of love? While not the whole of the matter, it certainly is a part of it. For some, more important than for others, but if your SO/wife/gf can't "help" you out, in one way or another, there is a problem there.

I read constantly through the forum, from subject to subject, about "her needs" but what about yours? Do your needs ever get to take a front seat? or are they suppose to always be in the back seat?

Miss Joanne, how very true.
---

Thanks to everyone for your replies. You've given me so ideas that I hadn't thought of. And a special thank you to the people to PM'd me.

Some more info, she has always has less of a sex drive than me for our whole marriage. If it wasn't for the kids, I would have divorced her. But I told myself I wouldn't do that to her or the kids.

[Keri L]

I am in the same situation, if it makes you feel any better. We did have sex more often in the past, and even sometimes when I was in panties and a bra. But, now it's been so many months, I have lost track. We've comitted ourselves to marriage counseling, so we will see how that goes

She has said in the past that sex with me en femme was okay, so long as there was a counterbalance, i.e. Sex when I am in male mode. But, lately she seems to have zero interest at all. It makes me wonder if she has lost respect for me, because of my need to express my feminine side. I guess time will tell, and I am happy to provide updates as things progress.

Hugs,
Cate

[GaleWarning]

I have heard that 'they' (whomever 'they' are) having been working on a Female Viagra for many, many years.


Isn't there a product called "Womanzone" that is supposed to be rubbed on down there and is alleged to cause arousal in a woman?

And did a well-known brand of condom manufacturers not produce a "his and hers" lubricant which is alleged to be mind-blowing in its effect?

There is no-one in my life at the moment, so I can merely remark that I seem to recall seeing these two products, but have not had the need to check either of them out!

[DebbieK]

I am not married, but my long term girlfriend started to lose the urge for intimacy when she went through menopause. But fortunately for me, she missed that feeling of desiring sex and talked to her doctor about her lack of sex drive. Her doctor perscribed some simple hormons, and now she is back to loving intimacy. I know it not going to be that easy for everyone, but it is worth a discussion between your wife and doctor about the possibilities of taking some hormons to get that drive back

[WifeofWrenchette]

Debbie, it's a wonderful idea (hormones), but I've taken them in the past (all kinds) and get incredibly sick (vomiting) from them. I never could take birth control pills either because of it.

Clay, as far as the topical ointments, I've tried those too. It is akin to putting Ben-Gay on your privates. I got burned by it and lost the loving feeling right away. Will never do that again! I am very sensitive so it may have been just my reaction, however I would caution anyone else trying it. Maybe a test try on the back of your hand or something first.

I love my husband very much so it's not an issue of not loving him, nor is it his dressing as I'm 100% comfortable with that.

*sigh* As far as HIS needs. I've been there, tried that, but he's had issues int he past (so it's not just me) having completion the other ways. *sigh again*

Will speak to my doctors again about it since maybe there are other things we can do about the problem.

To the OP, good luck with it and I hope your wife can find a good remedy too, You too Snow White, best wishes!

[Karren H]

At out age..... Sex is so over rated... where as a good bowel movement is so under rated! lmao.... I'm pretty sure my wife just doesn't want to have to sex with a pervert......

[TxKimberly]

At out age..... Sex is so over rated... where as a good bowel movement is so under rated! lmao.... I'm pretty sure my wife just doesn't want to have to sex with a pervert......

Awe . . . you jest but I suspect that one hurts more than you let on . . .

[Karren H]

Awe . . . you jest but I suspect that one hurts more than you let on . . .

I don't hurt.... any more.....

[falcongts]

I understand fully , Crossdressing for me has nothing to do with my sexless marriage

[DebbieL]

Though I learned to please women at 15, I was a virgin "from the waist down" until I was 21. After a 3 month affair, it was another 2 years before I met another partner. That was exciting for about 4 months, but by the time we were married, she had lost interest in sex. She knew I was transgendered 3 weeks after we moved in together, but didn't tell me until 12 years later that she was never able to accept the dressing, but didn't want to lose me. The mostly platonic marriage (we do it 3 times a year - so he won't forget what he's not getting - is how my wife explained it to my sister) lasted 8 more years, until she started having an affair.

When I finally met a Michele, who sought me out because I was transgendered and arranged for a mutual friend to introduce us, I had a really wonderful relationship that lasted almost 2 years. I loved her so much, and she loved Debbie - even more than Rex. She even supported me in getting RLE for transition. Unfortunately, she got an offer she couldn't refuse from a former boyfriend and left.

[docrobbysherry]

At out age..... Sex is so over rated... where as a good bowel movement is so under rated! lmao.... I'm pretty sure my wife just doesn't want to have to sex with a pervert......
It's only over rated if u don't enjoy it when u DO have it, Karren! I was married, so I've been there. I found no sex to be preferable to bad sex!
Altho I'm much older than u, I had given up on sex in my 50's. Then, I had a sexually resurgence rite after I began dressing and discovered sex was stimulating and enjoyable again! And, in my 60's it still is!

Karren, I'm sorry you and others r missing out on that very important life function!

[WifeofWrenchette]

We/I have used 3 of those products for a woman to put on her 'nether-regions'.

Here are our ratings:
1) K-Y Yours+Mine=0 stars
2) Viva Cream (for her)=2 stars
3) K-Y Intense(for her)=5 stars

Just my :2c:,
Snow
I'll try the "intense" then Snow. Thanks for the recommendation!
Hugs,
Wow