I Don't Know What's Up With Me

[ImReallyConfused]

Hi everybody, I am grateful to find this website as I have some questions I never managed to answer on my own.

I sometimes crossdress completely for sexual feelings. I don't want to be a woman normally, this comes after I've been alone for a while.

I am 19 y/o, straight,living at connecticut. I always had feminine urges, I remember back when I was 4-5 I would ask to try my mom's lipsticks on. When I was around 9 years old I would occasionally wear my moms pantyhose secretlyas I thought they were very... attractive. I didnt even know how to masturbate, but something about feeling like a woman was amazing.

Around when I was 10, you know when your class enters puberty everyone has an urge. I liked the idea of feeling more girly and letting the guys dominate me as if I was a girl and I did enjoy this act. I wasnt into the guys, it was feeling of being a girl that i like. Around that time i sometimes caught myself dreaming about going to school as a total crossdresser - wigs, panties, skirts.. this was when i was 10. I always had girl crushes ans never liked boys. My best friends were always guys.

My social life is great. I dated lots of girls before and LOVE it. I cant think of dating a dude. My girl picking up skills are really good, i always have some new girls around.

Yet ive been secretly cd'ing for years.. i think its because i was raised by women, i lived with my mom and grandma and a man was home only 3 hours a day, and that was in the evening.

I am in love with a girl right now but I am away from her for a few weeks at my moms house, im in this town for biz. Ive been writing alone at my house all week; totally alone except for the evenings. When my mother isnt home i get the urge to dress up as a girl and go as think about a man being with me.. this turns me on even now. But normally im a very masculine man and when im out socially i wouldnt even think of doing this.

It just feels so hard to resist. but i dont want to do it.

I love wearing a thong, a bra, a nightgown, some high heels and my absolute fetish pantyhose... i get off like never before.

But afterwards, its the normal me, i take off those clothes in disgust to be relieved for just 6-7 hours.

This doesnt happen if im out a lot. But i dont want to want to dress every 6 hours when im home writing. Hell, i dont want to dress at all. If it goes on like this im gonna lose to my feminine urges when im dressed and i dont want that to happen... i just want a normal, manly life

1) what is wrong with me? Why do i want to CD?
2)I dont want to. How do I stop? Going out more?
3)..should i stop? If it goes on like this i fear i might turn full time and have sex with a guy even tho i wouldnt have any feelings for him, just one body part i like when im dressed. I dont want to do that. I just want to be normal. How?!

[April_Ligeia]

It sounds like you should find a counsellor or someone to talk to. Many people have fantasies, but the reality can be quite different. I think a certain degree of confusion brings many people to websites like this one, there will be lots of good and some bad advice here just like anywhere else, although I have seen more good advice in these forums than the average. You came to the right place.

[kimdl93]

well, you've got the mistaken impression that CDing and homosexuality are related...they aren't. so put that entire line of logic aside. Most of us here are heterosexual, a few are bisexual, and a few are gay. Cross dressing will not make you gay. Got that...are we clear on it?

It sounds as though, for the moment, you're a fetish dresser, meaning that you associate womens clothing with sexual arrousal and fulfillment. If you don't want to continue doing this, then quit using womens garments for sexual arrousal. But then, I guess you've tried that before, right? So, if you really dislike what you're doing and are having difficulty resisting the temptation, do as suggested above. Seek out a counselor and see if he or she can help you learn to disassociate women's clothing and sex. It may not work, but you can give it a try. Or, you could learn to accept that lots of people have one kind of kink or another. Wearing women's undies is certainly not unusual for a male and it doesn't hurt anyone. The only harm is self-inflicted doubt, self loathing and repression. If you're inflicting these on yourself, perhaps a therapist can help you accept yourself in a healthy manner.

[Angela Campbell]

Could it be that you are exhibiting some behaviors that you believe to be wrong, and different, and you are having a hard time accepting that you are different from the norm? It sounds like you have desires that you find to be socially unnaceptable and are having a hard time understanding why you are acting on these desires. A lot of us have spent years trying to understand why we do things that many think are not acceptable in society. Maybe a counsellor can help you determine whether this is something you do, or if it is something you are.

[Karren H]

Anyone here who hast been confused at one time or always.... please raise your skirt..... Welcome to the fray..... no one really can answer your question because no one really knows... you just need to accept its part of you and deal with it going forward.... you need to redefine what normal is to you.... like we all have

[avant1465]

To echo Leanne..... your's is similar/the same as the stories of many of us on this site.... Relax!!!!! ... and take your time as you try to learn more about YOURSELF, and "who you are".... and "what makes you tick"...... This site is a good place to "learn" (see) that you are in good company......

[AllyCDTV]

It sounds like wondering where this will lead to is a big part of your concerns. No one knows where the path will take you. I was also concerned that crossdressing would turn me gay but that hasn't happened at all. You have a choice, just go with the flow and see where things take you or take actions to stop crossdressing.

If you do go the route of seeing a counselor, be aware that there are good ones and bad ones. Look for one that has some experience in dealing with gender issues. And if you do go to one, keep an open mind as to what they say. Some have agendas that are not necessarily in your best interests. If something they say doesn't sound right to you, seek another one.

[docrobbysherry]

IRC, there r powers that exist in the universe that can cure u! Do u believe that? Well, it worked out for me! I was even more confused than u at the same age. Altho my issues had to do with education, my business, and the war! No dressing or sexual "confusion" issues back then!

Anyway, back to the "powers". By the time I was 27, I was out of the service, started a new business to replace the one I lost, and had the world in my grasp! I predict a similar non-confused future for u by age 27! Trust the "powers"!

Of course, I began going thru similar confusions you're experiencing now when I was 50! Still working thru the dressing issues at age 60+. You're actually way ahead of me in some ways! Enjoy the journey, Grasshopper!

[Jessica86]

I don't think you need a counselor. When I was your age, I would do the same. I always thought I was a freak because everything felt so much....better...when I was dressed up. Well, I also thought I would become homosexual if I continued...LOL...that's not the case at all. I thought many things, but all were proved wrong. It is a HUGE step for you to come on here. This site changed my life just two years ago. I now go out whenever I want to, and I am proud to do it. Life is too short to not enjoy it while you are here. If you ever need anything....I'm always around. I'm 26 now, but hey, I went through it. There's nothing wrong with the way you are. We are all different, and it is a good thing when you are like most. It's easier to find people who can relate to you.

[Maria 60]

I think you just wrote my life story in your words. Once you put on those pantyhose the second time it's in your blood. I told this story a thousand times but it was a big part of my life. When I got married I thought that it was the end of the dressing, but two weeks in I was wearing her pantyhose and decided I couldn't keep this life long secret anymore and bit the bullet and told her. Lucky she was cool about it, but asked me three questions, if I ever wanted to be a full time women, if I liked men and how far I wanted take the dressing. I told her I don't want to be a women and I love women never even thought of being with a man and third the closet is fine for me and if she wanted she doesn't even have to see it and that nobody else knows about it and I would hope it would be our secret.. I then went on and spilled ten to fifteen years of my hiding and quilt and secret life of wearing my moms and sister cloths and even that I had put on her pantyhose that same morning, and told her I don't know why I do it and I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know I can't stop. She was really calm and told me that she knew me and there's nothing wrong with me and told me not to look into it to much and just have fun with it, sounds like you were born with a gift. Well that was enough therapy for me. She then told me she didn't want me to wear her things and we went out and she bought me some pantyhose and other fem cloths. This hole boring story was to make a point that on that day I was finally in peace with myself confessed that this is who I am and felt like there was nothing wrong with me, I started dressing with no guilt and took my wife's advice and didn't look into it and just enjoy it. Don't get me wrong if I had a choice I would let it go in a heart beat, but I can't and everyday struggle's always hoping I don't get found out. The Internet and this site really help me, reading about men living with the same struggles and this gift as myself and as you read on you will learn that crossdressing is like a finger print not one of us dress for the same reason but we are all in the same boat that make's us all the same. There's nothing wrong with you just go with it and enjoy the gift. This site is a great place to read about others and ask questions we are all here for each other. I hope I helped you a little and didn't bore you and hope to hear from you soon.

[Vickie_CDTV]

As far as desire and motivations for dressing goes, your story is actually common for a TV. It sounds like you are actually attracted to men and might be in denial about that, though.

[Ann Louise]

IRC,

Your story is very, very similar to mine, and many others here. Please consider this advice: try not to be hung up on labeling yourself, whether as a crossdresser, or gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, or any other label. Labels are attempts to crystallize "what we are" in the present, and since we are continually changing, day by day, trying to fix "who you are," especially at 19 years old, will likely lead you deeper into the unhappiness you've expressed here.

The "disgust" that you said you feel after dressing is likely your disappointment at your apparent failure to label yourself as what you have been taught to think is a "normal" person, and not disgust at your dressing in itself. It sounds like you actually love your dressing, as do most of us here, and that's a good thing!

Be gentle and kind with yourself. Take the time to observe your thinking as you move in and out of the cycles of dressing. Pay attention to the way that all these thoughts come and go, and do just that, let them go. Believe it or not, they are only thoughts! We all think lots of thoughts, all the time. That doesn't make every one of them priceless commodities. I would suggest that you make an effort to sort out your own true feelings about these issues, in each present moment, and not measure them against what your family, friends, or society at large may seem to be trying to teach you to think about yourself and what you should "be."

There's a deep well of calm and assurance in you. Settle down into it. Hugs, Elfin

[Beverley Sims]

I think you are as normal as anyone on this forum and your feelings and interests are the same as the rest of us.

[Melanie Sykes]

You're in the exact same position I was in at 19. I'm now nearly 40 and still love wearing women's clothes. Apart from my wife, my family is unaware. Whilst I've accepted that CDing is a part of me that won't go away, my wife doesn't want anything to do with it because she didn't find out about it until we'd been married for 12 years. The shame I felt about it from an early age, and the secrecy that resulted have done enormous damage to my marriage. Although she's coming to terms with it, it still causes tensions between us.

You would do yourself the biggest favour by trying to start accepting that you aren't doing anything wrong and that this is just a part of who you are. And for both your sakes, be open about it with girlfriends you trust and think might end up being "the one" at an early(ish) stage of the relationship.

[Teri Ray]

Hwy there Confused. Welcome to the world of crossdressing. Let us know if you figure out how and why these desires start in us. Until then just make clear decisions for yourself and do the best you can. Be safe.

[CONSUELO]

I thought that the best advice is to go and find a good therapist, but choose carefully and make sure that they have the training and skills to help you. Otherwise what you describe is a parallel story to mine, and many other cross dressers. I always thought that I had a fetish for lingerie as I would dress up in slips and nightgowns and immediately feel aroused and in need of gratification. I was totally focussed on females and eventually married, but carried on my "fetish". I later met a man and had some relations with him and his female partner. He would tell me that I was a transvestite and I would argue that it was only a fetish and based on lingerie only. Now, many years later, I dress fully and have wigs and makeup and I have had very satisfying relations with men.

The point is that back in my late teens and early twenties, I really did not understand what it was all about, and I was in a stage of denial when I should have been trying to really find out about myself and my sexual and "gender" needs. That is why you need to find someone who is skilled and knowledgeable so that you can fully explore what you are and what are your needs. I didn't and the voyage of exploration involved lots of others who didn't need to suffer with me

[ReluctantDebutant]

"When my mother isnt home i get the urge to dress up as a girl and go as think about a man being with me.. this turns me on even now."

"If it goes on like this i fear i might turn full time and have sex with a guy even tho i wouldnt have any feelings for him, just one body part i like when im dressed. I dont want to do that."

Do not worry about this. Fantasy is fantasy and reality is reality. You stated that in real life that you cannot think of dating dudes. That is reality. You look at the prospect of dating men with fear rather than desire I believe if you were gay that at this point in your life there would be no doubt. We often think of fantasy as a place where we dream about our life desires but more often than not people fantasize about the things that they would never do in real life. Fantasy like videogames or movies is all about escaping from reality. Think of it like this: Have you ever read a book by Stephen King or watched a Quentin Tarantino movie? These men's fantasies seem to be full of horror and violence yet we do not hear about either of them committing such acts. Their fantasies obviously do not reflect who they are in real life. Don't read too much into your fantasy. I would suspect that your fantasy is less about being with a man and more about what it is like to feel sex from a woman's perspective. Try switching to a lesbian fantasy.

Everything you described about your cross-dressing and fantasies about being a girl all revolve around your sexual gratification. I would say this is merely fetish cross-dressing and I don't think it involves a deeper sense of yourself. If this were something deeper it wouldn't go away when you socialize with friends, when you're at work, when you're watching a movie, or engaged in a million other activities, and it would definitely not go away after masturbation. It seems powerful because it is tied into your sex drive which is a powerful primal human instinct. And because you are young and male you will think about sex often particularly at points when you're alone and bored and the mind will go right to the fetish for speedy gratification. I don't think anybody knows how or why we get them. Fetishes seem to be deeply ingrained into the subconscious and they never go away. It's unfair that we do not get the pick our fetishes but such is life.

This does not make you a freak or a pervert. There are far worse fetishes to get. How this fits in your life is completely up to you. Yes you can still maintain a manly lifestyle and still cross-dress. There is nothing morally wrong with cross-dressing and you should feel free to make any choice you wish. You can make this the center point of your life or you can secretly indulge it now and again when and where you feel comfortable. You can try to deny it or ignore it but that will only drive you crazy. You'll have to strike your own balance between the desire to cross-dress and your desire not to cross-dress it will be difficult but it can be done.