How Did You Break It To Your Wife?

[Ariamythe]

It's only been in the past few days that I've decided to start embracing this part of me, and I know I still have a while to go before I'm even comfortable myself, but I'm already thinking ahead to when I should talk to my wife about my ... er, this.

I have a long and rambly thread in the Intro forum, but in the interest of tl;dr, I'll shorthand it here: I have enjoyed a small amount of wearing female clothes in high school, but started repressing it in college and then ruthlessly suppressing it when I got married. Only with the new year have I decided it's time to accept this part of me.

One of my huge, huge fears is my wife discovering something before I'm ready to tell her. I don't know how she will react. She's actually very comfortable with LGBT culture. She has gay friends, has attended gay pride parades, enjoys the local "Drag Queen Bingo" show, and has a brother who was once a sister. But none of that is her husband. I don't know if she'll be sexually repulsed, or angry, or despondent, or if she'll even want to stay married. I have high hopes, but also great fears about this moment.

I know that every relationship is individual and that there's no blueprint for this sort of thing. But I'd just like to know, from those of you with wives whom you've told: what was your experience like? How did you know it was time? How did she take it? I'd like to hear the good AND the bad, if you're willing to share.

Thanks.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi, I just responded to your other post. Broke it to my wife 3 weeks ago. You can see that in my first threads.

[Cynthia_0101]

Told my wife 3 months into dating. I sat her down and said I had to tell her something very important that could make or break our relationship. She listened to everything I had to say and then asked some questions. That was 16 years ago.

[Jenniferathome]

My signature is a written summary of what I told my wife after 20 odd years of hiding it from her. Be prepared for any outcome. I have counseled many times that if the relationship is strong, you can get through this together.

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

[sissystephanie]

I told my late wife that I was a crossdresser when I proposed to her! Her response was, "well, I will have to see how I can help you become more feminine!" We had alomost 50 years together!

[Ariamythe]

My signature is a written summary of what I told my wife after 20 odd years of hiding it from her.
Thank you for sharing that. I think it's very honestly stated. I hope I can summon up that sort of gentle revelation when my time comes.

[Ariamythe]

Hi, I just responded to your other post. Broke it to my wife 3 weeks ago. You can see that in my first threads.
I'm going to have to go back and read what you wrote. Thanks for sharing it.

[kimdl93]

There are a number of good threads here that discuss "coming out" to your SO. That would be a good place for you to start. The next thing I'd suggest is to start a conversation with your wife about her attitude in general towards CDing. It seems that, as a rule, the more open minded a spouse is about gender and sexuality, the more likely they are to be tolerant of the same in their partner...but there are no guarantees.

I will say that your chances of being accepted, or at least avoiding a meltdown are much better if you come out in a planned and well-thought out manner, than if you are discovered by accident. You'll hear an abundance of horror stories and some positive experiences, but your wife and your marriage are unique...so use your judgment.

The final thing I will advise is that sooner or later this has to come out. She has a right to know the person she married. That does not justify t an abrupt, ill timed or clumsily executed coming out. Do your homework, be prepared for any eventuality and don't expect this to be resolved in one evening or one conversation. Acceptance is a process that will take time.

for the record, I told my wife before we got married. That's the idea, but when a person has repressed or denied their nature during courtship, the truth ends up being put off till later. You'll have to make do as best you can!

Best of luck

[SuzanneBender]

In your case, as in almost any case, honesty is the best policy. You also should be prepared for any reaction because this is a huge revelation. She sounds very understanding and tolerant in your description of her, but again expect the worst and celebrate anything more than that.

I came out to my wife after 17 years of marriage and several years of fully exploring who I really am without her knowledge. Needless to say it didn't go all that well. I think it would have gone much better had I come out early in our relationship and let her share in my exploration and grow with me.

[abigailf]

I suggest you do it sooner than later and be as honest as possible. My wife was ticked that I did not tell her when I started trying to figure it out and that left a bad taste in her mouth.

She also said she could never trust me again because I never said anything about these feelings that I had all my life. Yea, I think you should tell her soon and as someone else pointed out, be prepared for the worse.

[Leah Lynn]

On several of these threads mention is made of a book titled, "My Husband Betty". It is a good book, but there is a video on YouTube with the same title. It is by the author. It's about 11 minutes long, and interviews several couples. Perhaps opening the dialog, then suggesting this video, however, view it yourself first, to decide if it's appropriate. I had my wife watch it, and her comment was that it gave her something to think about. However you do it, I sincerely wish you good luck.

[AmyGaleRT]

Well, in my case, I had felt kind of forced into it by circumstances that might have required us to get married sooner rather than later (which turned out to be a false alarm, but that's another story). I admit I hemmed and hawed so much that she was practically dragging it out of me (her words, no pun intended). I used a song we'd heard on the radio where she'd almost guessed my secret and I hadn't quite denied it...Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side."

And when I told her, she said, "So?" She had no qualms about it whatsoever even as I spilled everything I'd been holding back. Before the night was over, I had not only dressed for her, I put on a bit of a "fashion show." :)

(She told me later that she'd kind of had an idea because she'd seen my female alt in Second Life. I did such a convincing job of playing a girl, she knew I kind of had to be thinking like one...)

It's also a good thing that I told her rather than have her stumble in on me! (She almost did...once...good thing the bathroom door was locked!)

- Amy

[Jacqueline Winona]

You're right to be cautious, and concerned that her feelings towards drag queen bingo, her brother who used to be her sister, etc. might not be the same way she feels about her husband, Tread cautiously, and be prepared for any and all reactions. To answer your question, mine knew before marriage that dressing was a turn on, but it still doesn't make it easier. Seeing you dressed is goign to be the key, and it could go either way. For every success story it seems like there's at least one poor result, so just be as sure as you can that she's ready to hear this.

[Chickhe]

My strategy...keep it light and fun and 'tell' her nothing. What I mean by that, just do it, don't attempt to explain it and keep any feelings you have to yourself because she won't understand it and you won't be able to explain it. Instead, pick a fun time to dress up, include her and show her that its enjoyable. Pick something like halloween, go out on the town and have fun. Learn to accept it yourself and show her a positive attitude.

[Allison Chaynes]

My wife and I were married for about three years before I told her anything. Basically one night we were both kinda drunk and in the bedroom and I asked if there was anything she ever wanted to try that we hadn't done, so we did. Then she asked me and I told her I wanted to wear her panties whilst doing adult things together. I was ready for a rejection, which I would then blame on the alcohol if it happened, but she was cool with it. For the next four years or so I tried to keep it at just wearing panties, but eventually I started taking it further. She found this out when she found my copy of My Husband Betty. She has been back and forth, even on the same day, about her level of acceptance.I agree with everyone here though, get it out of the way on the front end, or she'll always wonder what else you might be hiding.

[DanaR]

Fears that my wife had, was I gay or did I want to have a sex change; which probably would have deal breakers for her. It has taken her a number of years to understand that I care a lot about her and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. With her understanding of my commitment to our relationship, she has become very accepting of me. We have gone out together, she buys me things and we have girl days.

[KiwiKate]

I told my wife a few months into dating.The reason I told tell her was she seemed like a nice understanding person and I could tell see liked me.I wanted to start things on the right foot and I desperately wanted a companion to share my feminine side with. She was okay with it but never wanted to participate.Apparently it was "my thing". Fast forward 15 years and she still hasn't seen me fully dressed or partly dressed for that matter.A pair of panties in the dark is all I have managed so far.Over the years she has been accepting,then angry then even more angry then accepting again.As others state here there can be a real roll a coaster of emotions.All in all I'm glad I told her and she didn't have to find out by walking in on me in her bra and panties.Some days I feel that if only I could tell the rest of those close to me how free I would be.But that's another story.All the very best.

[andrea lace]

i have only just told my wife she has been supportive which just makes me want to be a better husband. I would love for my wife and andrea to become good friends.I think i would like to keep my dressing in the home as i am quite a burly man at 6 foot 1 and 16 stone so will need to lose some weight to help with andreas look. I have only worn underwear and red glossy lip stick whitch i love in front of my wife so far but plan to fully dress on monday to see how we both feel about it well her cos i already know how i feel about it. the future for me looks good at the moment and just cant wait to work on my look thanks Dana Ryan

[andrea lace]

thanks for the good advice.

[andrea lace]

thanks for the good advice

[andrea lace]

thanks for the good advice

[andrea lace]

thanks for the good advice.I think my wife's understanding has made me appreciate her even more

[andrea lace]

thank you very much the amount of support i have been getting is very reassuring im realizing that im not alone and very happy and also very insecure at the moment

[andrea lace]

I was very scared at even the thought of telling my wife but my secret was eating me up inside.I started drinking heavy feeling down all the time and even sleep walking although i dont remember it.crunch time came and i finally told her girl was i nervous.I lied a little at first and told her it was a fetish thing just to enjoy sex more and the reaction was good i dont make a habit of lying to my wife as i love her deeply so we played a little.With in a few weeks i told her the whole truth about me feelings insecurity hopes and fears and the honesty has brought us closer together.She hasn't met andrea properly yet so im going to dress fully on monday to see how it goes it will only be in the house and i dont own a wig yet so were going to see how she feels when i am fully dressed.I am hoping that andrea and my wife will become good friends.I intend to be really helpfull kind caring honest when i am andrea so she can see what a good friend to her she will be. i would just like us to have some girly times together.I can honestly say i dont know what the future holds for us but i do know we love each other and want to stay together.I got some advice from another member who told me to keep talking to each other so if my wife has any fears doubts or concerns we could talk them out together.The bad side of telling her was the thought that i had hurt the closest person to me it cant be easy for her because it wasnt easy for me.All we can do is move forward with this i am still sincerely hoping i havent wrecked our marriage even though she is supportive. good luck in telling your wife i hope it goes well for you just exspect to be insecure for a while afterwards

[Beverley Sims]

My strategy...keep it light and fun and 'tell' her nothing. What I mean by that, just do it, don't attempt to explain it and keep any feelings you have to yourself because she won't understand it and you won't be able to explain it. Instead, pick a fun time to dress up, include her and show her that its enjoyable. Pick something like halloween, go out on the town and have fun. Learn to accept it yourself and show her a positive attitude.

This seems like an original strategy, something similar happened to me once when staying with some girls at a beach house.
My bag was left behind and the girls gave me some shortie pyjamas to wear for the night.
After the cute and lovely jokes I went to bed.
Next day I learned what androgynous meant.
The next day I was a girl for two weeks.

[andrea lace]

this is the third time i have written and keep getting knocked off.I was scared before telling my wife nervous while telling her and insecure after and still am.I had to tell her as the secret was eating me alive.she has accepted me as andrea and i will make sure she is the very best friend to my wife.only time will tell as to what happens but andrea will still be with me its a part of who i am i hope you find the courage to tell your wife im sure you will have a huge surge of relief no matter what the out come

[GabbiSophia]

i did it yesterday .. look for it if you want to read about as I am going to write it,,

[Ariamythe]

I'm seeing several of you saying you told your wives early on, even before you were married. Color me jealous! I wish I'd been that honest with her AND myself so early in our relationship. Not only would it have made me happier, I think, but now I've missed out on dressing as a twentysomething. :(. ;)

[stephNE]

I have never been one to hide anything. On about our third date (33 years ago), I asked he if she would like to help me with a fantasy? She said sure and asked what it was. I was in her apartment and told he I'd like to try on some of her clothes, she jumped up, when to her closet, and starting pulling out things she thought I could fit into - bra, panytyhose, skirt and sweater. We're still married, but I am bigger and can no longer fit in her things, so we go shopping together and I buy my own things.

[Jenniferathome]

My strategy...keep it light and fun and 'tell' her nothing. What I mean by that, just do it, don't attempt to explain it and keep any feelings you have to yourself because she won't understand it and you won't be able to explain it. Instead, pick a fun time to dress up, include her and show her that its enjoyable. Pick something like halloween, go out on the town and have fun. Learn to accept it yourself and show her a positive attitude.

Never, never, never do anything even remotely close to this. This is not a "fun" topic. It's serious and you need to talk and talk only about it until she is ready.

[Jenniferathome]

My wife and I were married for about three years before I told her anything. Basically one night we were both kinda drunk and in the bedroom and I asked if there was anything she ever wanted to try that we hadn't done, so we did. Then she asked me and I told her I wanted to wear her panties whilst doing adult things together. I was ready for a rejection, which I would then blame on the alcohol if it happened, but she was cool with it. For the next four years or so I tried to keep it at just wearing panties, but eventually I started taking it further. She found this out when she found my copy of My Husband Betty. She has been back and forth, even on the same day, about her level of acceptance.I agree with everyone here though, get it out of the way on the front end, or she'll always wonder what else you might be hiding.

This is a great example of trying to parse it out. I doesn't work. Heed this advice.

[~Joanne~]

This is a short version. My SO took it fairly well. Certain things factored into it. First, she already knew that I dressed once on halloween and had planned on doing it again this last year (which I did). Second, I openly wore hose for the longest time. I knew I wanted to tell her but not the how or the when but a cop pulling me over, mostly dressed, kind of forced it. Turns out that I need not had the "talk" at that time but I am glad I did.

[cyndigurl45]

Well I'm in a little different boat, but had a similar reaction, you see I had been living with a man we are already gay, he has always been the male and I although male was closer to my femine side jokingly I called myself his wife as I do the traditional female roll the cooking cleaning etc. But when I told him I wanted to live fulltime as a woman he freeqed out at first but the more he thought about it and the area we live being openly gay is though, so we moved and now our neighbors know us as a normal couple.....

[Stephanie47]

Sometimes things just evolve. I thought my desire to wear my mother's lingerie and dresses was a passing fad of a teenage male unable to score with girls, a poor substitute. I had not even thought of cross dressing for several years, including our relatively short courtship. I did wonder after I proposed if the cross dressing monster would return. Nah, marrying a very cute, sexy, alluring and sexually stimulating women had to be a cure.

Well, it took a couple years, but, I just had to try on one of her floor length nylon nightgowns. She discovered me in the kitchen wearing it, while drinking a glass of water. She asked, and, I told her the truth at the time. I liked the feel of the fabric. She was OK with it. We did buy nighties for me to wear, and, also a garter belt and hosiery. After our son was born and we lived in a one bedroom apartment, she requested that I not wear them to bed. OK, no problem.

I was still not a cross dresser??? It wasn't until five seven years into our marriage that I bought my first slip and panty while working in San Francisco. When my wife discovered by little stash which fit into a 12 x 12 x 5 inch gift box, it contained a vividly red sexy bra. That she could not understand. Neither could I. We had the all to similar discussion. She found it upsetting. I sensed her total discomfort watching movies such as "Tootsie" (1982).

So, sometimes limited acceptance leads to total rejection. Going from wearing a nylon floor length gown to bed does not confer acceptance of being fully en femme as I am now.

[Lorileah]

If I remember correctly we were walking through a Montgomery Wards store and I saw some heels on sale and said "Gee, I like those." She said "If I buy them for you you will wear them". I still have the shoes 30+ years later. For my GF I sent her to my web page with my photos. She IM'd back "who is that?" I said me, she said "OK" she loved Lori as much as my male side and was unhappy when I didn't dress very often.

In both cases it was early in the relationship. I believe you tell he as soon as possible so she can make up her own mind. It isn't fair of you to lie to her

[reb.femme]

Thank you for sharing that. I think it's very honestly stated. I hope I can summon up that sort of gentle revelation when my time comes.

I used Jennifer's letter as a basis for my revelation. The words flow much more naturally, if previously rehearsed. My wife was great, but obviously it can go either way. I've only been out to her as a CD for 8 months now (been together for 38 years, was a kid back then) and the level of acceptance flows from good to not so good. From your description of your wife, you should be able to come through this but again, this is you, not the others.

I sincerely hope this goes well for you.

Rebecca

[abigailf]

My strategy...keep it light and fun and 'tell' her nothing. What I mean by that, just do it, don't attempt to explain it and keep any feelings you have to yourself because she won't understand it and you won't be able to explain it. Instead, pick a fun time to dress up, include her and show her that its enjoyable. Pick something like halloween, go out on the town and have fun. Learn to accept it yourself and show her a positive attitude.


I don't know. I kind of like this idea, it is definitely different. It is true, what we do is not fun, heck it is not what we do either it is what we are. But to introduce it in this way may go a long way in building a future understanding. Who knows, maybe it turns out you are only a cross dresser and making it fun with your partner is just what you needed.

Of course, this would not have worked for me as I am transsexual no doubt and my wife is adamant that she is not a lesbian. So, that ended that.


If anyone does tries this (or had tried it), please PM me and let me know how it goes.

[Amanda M]

What is critical is tha she needs to know. Perhaps not all at once, but in little bites. Whatever you do, just take it as slowly as you can. Right now she only knows you as her loving Mister, and you are about to introduce a new dimension into your relationship.

Most likely, her first reactions will be " Is he gay?". "Am I not woman enough for him?" " Does he want to totally transition to being a woman?"

And that, is just the start. Remember, this is the person you love. Do not, under any circumstances, force her to confront more than a tiny bit a time.

Put yourself in her shoes, and try to anticipate her fears and anxieties - but don't just go with your own agenda. As her to be open, to tell you how she feels, and what SHE wants, so that in the end you may be able to compromise.

But slowly slowly slowly.

I can only hope that this turns out well for you both. Please let us know.

Best, Amanda.