Sooo I told the wife!!

[GabbiSophia]

I have been a chicken %$^# for a long time and I know it. Though I am finally out of the closet to the wife about being a woman. Things didn't really go as planned I was going to wait about a week but she found an article of clothing and was baffeled. She didn't even think they were mine and (oo underwear btw) she wanted to know about them. So we put the kids to bed and the whole 1 hr of that I could tell she was eat up with thinking. She was cold and distant. I don't blame her no telling what was going through her mind. Now mind you it was one piece of clothing. I had picked a date and this wasn't it but time to pony up and do what's right!!!! I love my wife and I can't hide anymore it hurts to bad !!

So begins the journey... Started off by telling her that I was not cheating on her and never would or will. Thenonto me and about never fitting in all through school and how I was unmercifully picked on cause I was different. Told her about my dark days when I thought about suicide in highschool and college ( very dark times but I made a pact with myself that I would never abandon myself like that). Explained how why I was so angry in my 20's and bought 4 wheelers, boats, trucks, drank to much, and was a great big arse was because I was hiding a secret and I couldn't tell anyone. I was angry because I couldn't get a girl friend and felt alone because I am a woman inside. Being this woman I gave off all the wrong vibes. I am not gay I am hetero, I know this 100% through a therapist. "I have been lying to you for months now and I can't take the pressure anymore so I am coming clean. Anything you ask I will tell you." I told her about CD'ing since I wa 5 years old... She mentions our son wearing her shoes .. nope not the same.. he is mimicking you I was in a different place then.. no I am not going to turn our son into a girl.. The talk went on for another 10 min with just me talking explaining how I just couldn't deal with the hiding anymore or the fact I was lying. I didn't want to hurt her and that she didn't do anything wrong. That I loved her and wanted her.

Things went strange then, she wanted to see my clothes (she asked if I had more clothes hiden), see my style. "You have nicer underwear than I do" .. lol .. I laid out tons right in front of her jeans, bras, heels, purse "I don't even have a purse she says", underwear, and I tell her I have more does she want to see it too? no she says she believes me that I am doing this. I came clean that I got a makeover, a transformation, she wants to see that.. so off to the computer and I show her that.

Now all my cards ae out I have no more I am totally open. We talk again and now things go south. The one thing I do not want is to hurt her and now it begins. She realizes the implications of what is happening. She starts to cry and starts asking questions.. why? how does she fit in? why not tell before marriage (btw I said because I thought I would be over it.. boy was I wrong), do I want to become a woman ( I am not 100% atm I tell her.. though I am a woman inside), do I want to go out in public.. the list went on.. she was crying and my heart was acking.. I have hurt her.. she says she doesn't understand ..she doesn't know how to support me.. doesn't want me hurt or to hurt myself cause I can't deal with this..

This went on for awhile as I tried to explain that I am me no matter what I look like on the outside I don't change on the inside.. she says yes but will you be my husband or girlfriend? do I ever have a say so? are you going to change all the time and I not know? do you love me as a friend or a wife ( AS a wife as a wife!!). Do you want boobs? ( Iyes I have thought about it).. do you take drugs to change your body?? ( no and no to the over the counter .. to dangerous)..

Things were up and down for awhile the whole time she was crying .. she never cries .. her brother died .. nope no tears.. mom died .. no tears .. and she is crying because she doesn't understand .. I am the source of this .. what have I done?? how can I take this all back ?? I never wanted her to hurt !! She is scared that if she makes me bury it I will not be able to take it and go down a dark path but she doesn't know where she fits into a relationship with a woman.. she is not a lesbian..

The person I love tells me .. I am sorry that you have had to hide this and deal with it alone.. I am sorry about the pain you have cause yourself.. her telling me this makes me small ..

We talked about what I want.. which I have no clue to 100% .. I believe I know the path but I am not jumping through it without a better understanding.. now that she knows and I don't have to hide .. will wearing underwear everyday help?? will going out once a month keep the woman at bay so I can deal with both roles.. Do I need to go full time??!! I don't have these answers atm ..

Then to the kids .. I really will not discuse all this as everyone has thier views on it .. and mine may not be yours ..

It ended with .. now our relationship has changed .. where do we go from here??

Day by day .... day by day ..

Someone said that telling will lift a huge weight off you .. and this is sooooo true .. its nice not to have to worry about being caught .. what everyone doesn't tell you is that if you love your SO the weight is replaced with another one that hurts in a different way ..

I am still confused .. I am still me... I am still alive.. I have no clue where I am heading.. I love my wife and kids .. I am a woman.. I am not ever giving up on me or my family no matter what !!

Sorry for the long read ..

Hugs,
Steph

ps... she says my name is not creative at all!! (sheesh!!)

[Inna]

and so it begins........
Truth is by far the most precious of forces in the universe. Even though most of us start in the darkness of denial and pretend, some are courageous enough to let the stone walls of deceit fall into oblivion. These here are the first moments of your true life, how exciting and wonderful of an event. But don't confuse joy of being free of the bondage of a lie, with pain which will brush its perky thorns against your heart, it is inevitable. However said that, you probably heard of a good pain versus bad pain, well, this one is a good yet tremendous pain, the price which needs to be paid for this new found freedom.

All my love, Inna

[ChelseaErtel]

Dear Steph:

I'm only a little over two months since telling my wife. Her reaction is similar, but she did not want to see any of my clothes et. al. My wife asked why I told her and that sometimes she feels like it would have been better to keep it a secret. I told her that a husband and wife cannot have secrets if they want to love each other fully and completely. I won't bother you with my story (my journal is in "Safe Haven"), but we have been on a roller coaster. She cries, I cry, we hug and then feel better for a bit and all over again. The fortunate thing is we both know we love each other very deeply and that is my only hope. I have told the that her happiness is paramount and if that means I have to leave I will - for her. I don't want that and right now she says she doesn't either.

Our physical relationship has always been a problem and I know now that was because I was TS. That part of our relationship will not get better, but maybe worse. It seems that now that I have accepted that I am TS I don't get aroused when I hug her anymore or even when we tried to make love. I could only please her and that made her feel terrible.

I have a 13 and 20 year old so that won't be a long term problem - perhaps with my 13 year old daughter but I think my son will be fine. My mother accepts and I visit her 100% as Cheslea.

I too felt a great weight lifted off of my shoulders, but alas it was replaced with another as well. That is our late life TS tragedy - we affect so many other lives. I wish that I knew what I do now when I was 13 or 14. I think my life would have been very different.

This quote was given to me after I posted during a low moment:

you need to accept responsibility for your choices so far and you need to forgive yourself for any internal pain you feel over it... then you need to hug her and tell her that more than anything you want her to be okkk...not that you want to stay married...not that she needs to go to therapy...not that you will wait for her to be ok and THEN you will transition....just for her to be ok...
in my experience people only make progress when they accept harsh reality and then compassionately and fearlessly deal with it..the key is that altho transition is hugely "selfish", you can be unselfish in every other way to help those around you deal with it...and you especially need to stop being selfish about the way you are handling your marriage

I have given my wife the keys to our lives. I told her that her happiness is paramount and she needs to find the solution that will make her happy in the future - long term not short term. I told her I won't do any transitioning unless she says OK. She wants me to say her husband and to continue as we are. I'm going to give it a try and she understands that it may not work. I know how hard it is on me living two lives, always thinking about my body, and just wanting to get used to being a woman.

I want to get used to being a woman like you get used to a new hair cut or a new home. At first its all new and feels different then, as some point it just "IS". What a dream that would be.

I find that knowing I'm not alone it a little comforting, but ultimately we are in this alone. We are unique and our relationships are unique. Yes, your relationship has changed. If you love each other there is hope but imagine if your wife told you she wanted to be a man and started HRT and had a beard. Women who stay with us are truly extraordinary and wonderful human beings. Maybe they are bisexual, or just totally accepting of the person they love inside I don't know. If my wife can't eventually come to grips with my being TS, then its no shame on her. Trying so hard and being so wonderful up to now is extraordinary.

Take it slow. She will need a lot of time - measured in many months if not years - to adjust and she many not be able to adjust. My wife's worst fears is us being companions- two old sisters living together. Sad to say I would love that. I'm not a sexual person so being with her would be a dream to me, but unfortunately she needs more. Complicated.

Good luck, I'll be watching for your posts.

Lots of hugs and love to you sweetie

[melissaK]

Steph sweetie!

Wow.

Outted by a stray piece of clothing. How often have we heard of something like that happening . . . .

And you did the right thing. You didn't follow-up with lies. I'm with Inna on the power of truth. You're a good person for following up with the truth Sweetie. (Not that you need my judgment, that and $2.00 will buy you a tall coffee at Starbucks)

And OMG did you marry a good person! Even after the tsunami wave of your disorienting landscape changing disclosure, her logical and emotional processing was awfully sound, and rapid. And she worked it through with you - she didn't run off and do it alone.

So welcome to the "day by day" spousal relationship club. I'm a card carrying member since August 2012. Chelsea since November 2012. I think we get a 5% cash back bonus if you use your card to make any purchases. Or maybe that's my Discover card. I know that if you show it at Starbucks and give them $2.00 you can get a Tall coffee. ;)

[GabbiSophia]

Well this day sucks. The plane was shot down and is crashing. She hates it doesn't understand it doesn't know where she fits in. Don't know where this is headed but Dang. If your hiding from your spouse good luck

[Barbara Ella]

Yes, telling your wife lifts a burden, but it adds a burden in return. You can feel better in one respect, but the worries and sadness that can be added are a heavy price to pay, but I would still do it again, it is only right for us, as it was for you. I told my wife of 41 years I was a crossdresser two months after I realized it, so I did not have a history to explain. We are still figuring out why it started so late in life.

When I told her, she laughed, literally because it was so incongruous to her. then she cried for three weeks, and insisted she understood, but could not accept. After a month, she went to full acceptance and participation. Two months later she was in total DADT, and has not seen me dressed since, and has no desire to. Hopefully it will diminish with time, but who knows.

I say this just to let you know that the initial shock can be overcome, and her distaste right now can dissipate. Education is the key. Get her the books, get her on here. Don't push anything right now. Let her digest, she has been kicked in the head big time. My wife had 41 years of marriage and an expected retirement life (which now includes the new me) that were altered. Don't panic, you will not feel like doing much of anything for awhile, so don't. Come on here and vent and rant. A lot have been through it. Just be there for her completely and unconditionally.

My wife knows she lives with a crossdresser, and is still somewhat in shock, as it has only been one year since I came out. Now i have to figure out how I shake her world once more with the transgender discussion, and the woman within that wants to come out discussion. Big question now is whether her comments that she would rather not have been told can still apply, and if it does, can I live with the guilt of the secrets after now 42 years of a no secret marriage.

Good luck and please don't panic. Things will change from day to day, from good to bad and back, so just be there.

Barbara

[arbon]

Well this day sucks. The plane was shot down and is crashing. She hates it doesn't understand it doesn't know where she fits in. Don't know where this is headed but Dang. If your hiding from your spouse good luck

There is probably going to be a lot of ups and downs, back and forth and deep discussions. My wife still has days when she grieves the loss of her husband and hates what I have done and lets me know it, then we will be off eating pizza and catching a movie being best friends, its weird.

[LeaP]

There is probably going to be a lot of ups and downs, back and forth and deep discussions. My wife still has days when she grieves the loss of her husband and hates what I have done and lets me know it, then we will be off eating pizza and catching a movie being best friends, its weird.

If there's one constant for me, it's that my wife is my best friend. Even when she's PO'd at me. Which she is over my trans status. It's the love in the relationship that sustains hope.

[GabbiSophia]

well rants I am sure I will have.... she is in control some what atm and I will let that be and go slow ..

[ChelseaErtel]

My wife's attitude and feelings have changed and been modified over time since I told her. I'm sure they will change some more.

So now she knows the truth. They do say the truth will set you free. What they left out was the painful part.

Hang in there, the ride will be rough at times. Don't push things and is sounds like you are going to go slow. The waiting is hard and the emotional roller coaster is exhausting.

Hugs.

[MarinaKirax]

Hey, Steph. I'm not sure anyones advice will really fix things right now, the situation you're in seems so driven by your wife's feelings, which I'm sure you feel no one else can know, and that's true. I can say that when I was outed by my wife of 14 years (2 kids), there were times when I thought our relationship might, just might , not survive. It was a thought that would never have occurred to me, ever, because we are rock solid as a twosome. And unfortunately, in my case, its near 2 years on and there are still tender spots. Don't expect her to get over it fully, in any amount of time, whether its 6 months or 15 years. Things are simply different, and this isn't bump in the road, any more than having a child is a bump in the road. It changes things forever, but not always badly.

My wife's anxiety and crying were in part about a) feeling angry or even foolish for having been deceived, b) grieving for the loss of the archetypically 'perfect' marriage with dog and 2.3 kids etc., and later, c) a fear that either I wanted to transition, or that she could not satisfy me as a partner - emotionally or sexually. We talked a lot of this through.

My advice for the near term is that you explore whether or not she is hurt by the deception, and make amends for it. In my case I had to re-establish some trust (even though I felt it a bit unfair) by promising to abide by guidelines and limits to dressing. She may be terrified that you want to go public with this,and what your (her) friends and family will think, and you may have to reassure her, or agree to baby steps on that. Let her know you are the same man she married by trying to be a husband in visible ways-- show your masculine side and don't (as I did) let this new found freedom make you go crazy-femme in the next few months. She needs you as her man, too. Lastly, and most importantly, I would advise you to seriously explore and come to a conclusion about where EXACTLY you think you fit on the continuum from sexually aroused cross dresser, to bisexual , or completely female. This is the information she probably needs, and fears most, and you need to answer it for her, and soon. Good luck, girl. MK :)

[arbon]

Let her know you are the same man she married by trying to be a husband in visible ways-- show your masculine side and don't (as I did) let this new found freedom make you go crazy-femme in the next few months.

Except she came out to her wife as a woman, kind of hard to say you are the same man she married.

[MarinaKirax]

Well, I did, too. And we are still the same men our wives married. I still split wood, play hockey, don't ask for directions (!) and monopolize the TV remote. (I do know exactly where the Ottoman should go, though - it's a curse ;)) My point to my wife was that every experience she's had with her husband in the last 14 years was not some scam like the 'Truman show'; that I love her as a man, and the experiences we had as man and woman are real, and true, and I have the same feelings, dislikes, habits, views, and desires that I've had for the last 14 years. If she could manage through the last 14 years, why not through the next 14? or the 14 after that? What does the information itself change?

Steph said she is a heterosexual CDer, although she used the term 'woman inside', which is why I advise you, Steph, to clarify things for both you and your wife. If you are really a woman inside, even if you are attracted to females, that changes EVERYTHING, as Arbon said. But if you are a hetero cross dresser, I advise trying to reassure your wife by showing her your commitment to your male side, while you both explore your female side together, and at her pace. Thats more what I meant. MK

[Badtranny]

Let her know you are the same man she married by trying to be a husband in visible ways-- show your masculine side and don't (as I did) let this new found freedom make you go crazy-femme in the next few months. She needs you as her man, too.

Let's not forget that this is the TS forum and I suspect that Steph chose this forum specifically for a reason. She could have just as easily posted in the CD forum. Coming out as Trans is quite a bit different than coming out as a CD. They both take courage but one of them is a life changing event.

[MarinaKirax]

True Dat. MK

[LeaP]

Steph said she is a heterosexual CDer

Not in this thread that I can see. She used "hetero" in the context of assuring her wife that she wasn't interested in sex with men. She used a reference to crossdressing to refer to activity since youth. The weight of the OP is clearly female identity.

[KateConnors]

There is probably going to be a lot of ups and downs, back and forth and deep discussions. My wife still has days when she grieves the loss of her husband and hates what I have done and lets me know it, then we will be off eating pizza and catching a movie being best friends, its weird.

Just like arbon said.

I have been transitioning for about 2 years, fairly slowly, in order to maximize the chances of sustaining my marriage. I'm kind of fulltime now, though it has happened very organically (I just let other people gender me, and go with what they use - which happens to be female now unless I say otherwise, like when I need present ID). The last few months have been great (no crying by either of us), we've had lots of fun with our 2 year old, family weekends away etc., and despite saying she was going to move to a separate bedroom she hasn't (still has her back to me though when we go to bed).

Anyway yesterday, I got my ears pierced at the same time with my wife's sister who is town. The look of betrayal on her face when she saw my ears later in the day told me everything I needed to know about how she felt about my transition. Crying by both of us last night (and my daughter who was upset with me washing her hair) - me crying as well didn't help sooth her. Feeling empty and hollow now. Tonight we'll likely be fine again, whatever fine means.

[MarinaKirax]

Not in this thread that I can see. She used "hetero" in the context of assuring her wife that she wasn't interested in sex with men. She used a reference to crossdressing to refer to activity since youth. The weight of the OP is clearly female identity.

Then I'm wrong. oops, sorry, all. MK:o

[Dianeob]

Steph. Have been married for 38 years. She has known about the dressing for last 35. I was self restraining for a lot of those years; much less so over the last 6. She knows I am TG; in a different situation I would transition but won't as it is a place she could not go with me, and neither of us wants to lose each other, all we have together. In a lot of ways, we are like two best firends sharing life. It works for us for the most part, but even this has bumps along the way.
What you have shared with her is life changing, feels threatening to her on on lots of levels, and is going to hurt so her reaction is what you would expect from any person. Give her time, let her know that you ar ready to talk any time she is capable of/wants to do so (some times emotions will just be too close to surface for her to do so) and when discussons do take place, be ready for her anger, hurt, fear to come to the surface even if the talk didn't start that way. If she is open to it, talking as a couple with a professional counselor may help...if so, let her do the choosing so she doesn't come away feeling you picked someone who would be sympathetic to a trans person.
Hope this works out for the two of you.

[Inna]

Steph, if I can one more time, do not promise anything in respect of who you are or will be! First off, when transsexual individual discovers that there is in fact a path towards truth, at that moment in time, they simply do not know WHO they are!
We often know that we are a woman trapped within mans body, but that is simply all we do know. All the rest are assumptions!

Since early in the childhood, even for those who claim the TS onset at later age, there were clues but dismissed and denied, when we sentence HER, the girl within, to the dungeon of subconscious she remains to be a child, without possibility to interact and grow emotionally throughout life. The other FALSE self does the growing and so promising virtues by a 3, 5 7 or 10 year old child unsure of her self in the first place, will be unwise.

[melissaK]

Gosh Inna, another thought provoking post. You're on a roll of late.

That unfinished childhood effect is really well documented. In my ongoing experience, since I've been out and not out and out incrementally over decades I'm not sure where I am. But with a stronger purpose toward transitioning in recent months, I have indeed changed a bit. And if giving up on 60-70's classic rock and switching to new alternative music means anything then I'm certainly in the midst of that adolescence. But as I think back on the prior times in my life I was sorta open to following my heart, my music tastes were contemporary and my outlook fun and creative. Possibly I was just happier?

I'm not sure much of my nature will change, though I guess I should heed your advice to Steph too and not make statements to myself or anyone that foreclose the possibilities.

[docrobbysherry]

Thanks for posting, Steph. I can say what Melissa said, "Wow"!

Reading of your situation, stuck between a rock and a hard place, is simply heartbreaking! I certainly hope it works out for u both in time!

[Nigella]

Since your "revelation", the whole dynamics of your relationship has changed. You both now have to work together to try and make the new relationship work, or be honest with each other and say this is not going to work. Relationships are a two way street, one maxim that both Sandra and I have always used is, if we can't agree, nothing changes. Having said that nothing stayed the same because we then discussed the differences and came up with a solution that we could both agree to. It was always a case of give and take on both sides, a long process, but it has worked so far.

Not a lot of help I know, but maybe a way forward :)

[kimdl93]

A big step, and painful, but necessary. I thought you handled it pretty well, base on what you related . And your wife's reactions are understandable. The volatility is too. Do what you can to maintain a sense of calm and reassurance. Don't promise things you can't deliver, but do try to contribute towards a new normal. With time and reassurance your wife may ease through those stages of loss, and attain a measure of acceptance.

[AimeeG]

Can't offer any advice, just a big hug and a shoulder rub...made me cry.

[Jorja]

Over the years I have seen many spouses caught between the same rock and hard place. Some manage to work it all out and some never do and end up going their seperate ways. Keep in mind that you have just recently told her. You have had years to get used to it and figure it out. She has had only a short while. Go slow, it doesn't all have to be worked out tomorrow. Learn to talk to each other about it in a civil manner and go from there.

[Joann Smith]

This post sounds so famiular ..it hit every point..all the crying all the uncertainty ..all the you not my husband no more ...where do we go from here...da da da ....only thing mine happened 20 years ago ...and guess what ...she is still pissed about it.. therefore I done had to spent the last 20 yrs doing my dammest to try and make a pissed off wife happy.....Just like every other happily married man in america..

So Pull your panty hose up tight a round whats left of your nibblets... they are bout to get kicked alot

[GabbiSophia]

It is said here if you don't need to transition then don't. I can also add to that you better know yourself before you even start. This has been the most eye opening event ever in my life. I am no longer lying to me or my wife. Though I no longer know where I stand if I am tg cd ts or just me. Wait I am just me for sure but I don't know me. After evaluating the things in my life I know two things I live my family and I could not live without them. With that said that shows me I am not ts. There are those on here that say you have to be willing to lose everything and be ok with that in order to transition. This is a true statement. I can say without a doubt that I have fem side of me but it doesn't mean I need to be a woman. I am realizing I have a self esteem problem and that lead me on a path that made want what I thought was confedence but I believe I was making it a fantasy world. If you are thinking of starting you better understand yourself. If I didn't have such a great wife I might be in a dark place. As much courage as I had to share this about me she had twice as much not to run away screaming. We have talked openly about the subject and it has been life changing. It feels great to just be a relaxed me and the funny thing is I haven't had the urge to dress once since. I am not giving up therapy or saying that.it will not be a bumpy road. I am saying I understand that.you need to get your !@!@ together and understand your self first. The repercussions are for real.

[kimdl93]

There is a power in talking about your feeling and allowing yourself to risk vulnerability. I would think that bing able to admit your feminine side, to a therapist, then to your wife, has a transformative power. And it takes power away from,the compulsive, repressed desires and gives,it to you. So now, your fee to explore who you are without being under the influence of repressed emotions. You may still be TS or something somewhere in between, that may evolve over time. But regardless of where you end up, you're able to take responsibility for your actions and control over your life.

Good for you!

[Beverley Sims]

You have just told us the story of the first day of the rest of your life.
You appear to have been honest and forthright.
Your wife responded in a similar way.
Pause for a while and let all the circumstances be taken in.
Do not make hasty decisions as you have been happy until now.
If you tread carefully the rest of your future together should be the same or improve.

[ReineD]

I can say without a doubt that I have fem side of me but it doesn't mean I need to be a woman. I am realizing I have a self esteem problem and that lead me on a path that made want what I thought was confedence but I believe I was making it a fantasy world.

I've been around this forum for a long time and I've read thousands upon thousands of threads, mostly on the CDing side since it is much bigger than this side. I've made a few important observations:

1. Many CDers for the longest time believe that CDing is just something "they do" (put on femmy clothes) and their male identities are fairly intact, save for initial questions as to why they crossdress.

2. When they discover a need to express femininity beyond the sexual gratification or the sheer love of clothes, many say, "Oh, oh. This is much deeper, I MUST be TG or TS".

3. Many of the CDers who have reached #2 have not gone out much in public, in the mainstream, and so the thrill (for lack of a better word) of being feminine is still very much there, there is still an idealistic view of what it must be like to live as a woman, even if the CDing has moved beyond the earlier stages.

4. After having successfully incorporated the CDing thoroughly in their day-to-day life, many CDers eventually realize that their gender ID falls outside of the binary. They are not like other men, nor do they feel as if they were born in the wrong body. They feel they are gender non-conforming, or gender fluid.

5. TSs who have always been TS may or may not have gone through CDing stages earlier along their paths, but for those who initially thought themselves CDers, their experiences seem on the surface to match a CDer's realization that cross-gender expression is deeper than originally believed, and so they very much relate to CDers who feel they must be TS.

6. The difference between a CDer who realizes a deeper need for cross-gender expression and a transwoman, is the degree of gender dysphoria. A transwoman cannot continue to live as a man and if she doesn't feel this way already, she grows to hate her male body. She is, after all, born in the wrong body. A CDer can learn to live outside of the binary without feeling the need to transition or change his body. And no one can measure the degree of gender dysphoria other than the person who experiences it.

You may be TS. No one here is in a position to judge this. So the only way to find out is to take it outside the realm of fantasy and into the real world, seek your wife's cooperation in terms of your need to explore so that you can get answers for yourself, and just start going out in the mainstream regularly. Stay away from TG clubs where you will be told how feminine and natural you are. Get beyond the thrill of getting makeovers, photo shoots, new wigs, new makeup, new clothes, etc, in other words, become an "old hat" at this. :) Incorporate StephBrown in your every day life. You may need to do this in the next town over while you sort this all out, just in case you eventually discover that you are not TS. But, after having gone out several times weekly to coffee shops, restaurants, doing errands, shopping, shows, etc, for about a year, you will know a great deal more than you know now.

You may want to consider setting up a bank account outside your neighborhood and doing all your banking there as Steph, also all your grocery shopping, going to the hardware store, etc. Doing this will be good real-life experience without initially burning too many bridges, just in case. And then (give it at least one year), you can decide on the next step. If you're seeing a therapist, by all means, continue to see him or her.

[ChelseaErtel]

Reine gave some very good advice. I began CDing, but lived in denial for a very long time. It wasn't until I began seeing my therapist that I realized how deeply I wanted to be a woman and how much I hated my body. Realizing I hated my body hit me like a brick. But at the same time a light came on an so much made sense. I spent almost a month away from home almost 100% as Cheslea. As Reine suggested, I shopped, banked, went sight seeing, restaurants, filling stations, makeup counters, and all those things you just need to do to exist in society. It was such a freeing time and fulfilling. I didn't understand then, but I worked into an existence were I didn't have to go back and forth between Chelsea and my man-self often. I could go to bed as Chelsea, rise as Chelsea, do about the day as Chelsea - just be me. That time did shed a lot of light on my gender dysphoria. I haven't used my naughty bits for years and won't miss them, I find them very annoying. I yearn for HRT and GRS.

So, go slowly, and do not do anything behind your wife's back. Honesty is paramount in a marriage, and wives will notice any changes as a result of HRT.

[Traci Elizabeth]

A lot of good advice here but if you are not sure if you are TS then DON'T do anything you will regret later.

Not everyone who thinks they are TS are.

[GabbiSophia]

A lot of good advice here but if you are not sure if you are TS then DON'T do anything you will regret later.

Not everyone who thinks they are TS are.

you are correct great advice on here and I am soooo thankfull for it. I have officially slowed down in my mind and I have no clue what to label myself. Though that is best theng that has been said!!