"You're a what?????"

[jillleanne]

So many questions have been asked over the years directed to anyone born genetically male and who expresses themselves in a feminine way, by, people born genetically male and express a feminine side, about how, when, why do I tell my s/o about who I really am. The answers come in all flavours, sizes and shapes with a filing cabinet full of justifications. The simple amswer is of course, simply ask them in a generic way that does not out oneself at the time. That answer received might change if truth be known but a good idea of how they feel about it will come out. A good example of that would be a parent learning their child is gay. Prior to the knowledge, the parent might have commented in sentences using words such as,'faggot, queer', etc. After learning of the sons' true identity, in many cases, that all changes.

So let's put the proverbial shoe on the other foot:

How would you, as a genetically born male that expresses a feminine side, feel if you came home from work early unannounced, and saw your genetically born female s/o dressed in mens dress socks and dress shoes, with glued on beard, leg and chest hairs, getting ready to put on a mans dress shirt and pants?
1: Would you feel violated?
2: Would you feel your s/o lied to you about herself?
3 : Do you believe you had a right to know this information at any time?
4: Would you consider ending the relationship?
5: Would you accept her partially or totally for who she really is?

[Lady Catherine]

I'd like to think I would be open minded about it. I've always had an open mind in the past.

[Angela Campbell]

I would not have any problems with it in a way that would change the relationship at all. I would feel like it was a good thing because I had learned something very intimate about my partner and it would make our bond even stronger. I would wonder though why she would want to because she already had the perfect image as a woman in my view, as I see all females as beautiful and all men as fairly ugly. I would help her in any way I could. I would not feel betrayed because she kept a secret from me, we all have our secrets we do not tell anyone, why would you be mad at someone who did the same thing you have done? Every single woman who is mad because you kept this a secret from her has secrets she never told you.

[Kate Simmons]

It depends Hon. If I loved my SO as a person and loved being with that person, it would not matter that much. Couples who are close can live together for a lifetime and never really know everything about one another and learn something new every day.:)

[pacificblue]

I'd be more upset that she hid it from me and yes she should have told me as soon as she wanted to start doing it. I would've helped her. If that's what you want to do then hell I'll dress up with you! After everything I've told her I don't think I have a place to judge and could accept her for whomever she is or decides to be.

...although she's so overtly feminine that she'd look slightly silly dressed as a man, especially with that beard. I wouldn't tell her that to her face though. :p

[Karen_K]

No. No. Yes. No. Yes.

[Raychel]

I am not sure the change in clothes would be all that much of a shocker to me,
I would try like hell to accept however she chose to make her appearence. I married the person, not the look.

[GiannaD]

1: Would you feel violated? Nope
2: Would you feel your s/o lied to you about herself? No, but I would ask her what she was doing and why
3 : Do you believe you had a right to know this information at any time? After 15 years, yes
4: Would you consider ending the relationship? Oh hell no!
5: Would you accept her partially or totally for who she really is? Just like she's accepted me! Probably be a little less skeeved out tho

[Cheryl T]

The clothing does not change the quality of the person in them.
I've always been open minded and always had friends who were gay, lesbian, or "different" in some way and never given it a second thought.
Seeing as how my spouse accepts me and how I am how could I possibly turn my back on her for being the same.

[Ressie]

Very good point. Honestly I'm not that open minded and I would be shocked. I want my women to be feminine, at least in appearance. The glued on beard, leg and chest hair would be a turn off, or maybe a good laugh. The men's clothing wouldn't be a major problem.

[kimdl93]

Very easy. I'd be totally cool with it.

[Beverley Sims]

It depends Hon. If I loved my SO as a person and loved being with that person, it would not matter that much. Couples who are close can live together for a lifetime and never really know everything about one another and learn something new every day.:)
Like Kate has said you learn something new every day.
My wife is always finding little snippets of info about me all the time.
Likewise I learn too.
It takes a lifetime to do all these things so it will take a lifetime to find out.
How much does a 25 year old know about their parents who died when they were 20?
How much does a 40 year old know about their parents who are still alive.
Believe me they are really lucky. (Smiley omitted.)

[PretzelGirl]

My wife did that once for National Crossdressers Day....I mean Halloween.

[vivianann]

Gender role reversed relationship will have arrived!!!

[Deedee Skyblue]

I wouldn't go for the beard. But it would be way cool to go out as a couple, both of us crossdressed!

Deedee :battingeyelashes:

[Lorileah]

How would you, as a genetically born male that expresses a feminine side, feel if you came home from work early unannounced, and saw your genetically born female s/o dressed in mens dress socks and dress shoes, with glued on beard, leg and chest hairs, getting ready to put on a mans dress shirt and pants?


1: Would you feel violated?
No. Violated? I guess I don't understand that emotion in this context. Shocked? Maybe

2: Would you feel your s/o lied to you about herself? Maybe, probably. Even though I do understand that there are something in a relationship that may be too private to discuss. This has never been an issue in my relationships. Maybe it is a an unfair question since we see the grass from the other side of the fence. And there will be some honest hypocrites posting here. The ones who believe the sauce for the gander is special to them.

3 : Do you believe you had a right to know this information at any time? One would hope. As I said there ARE things best unshared but this is part of who she is. I would hope she (or he if the chips fall that way) would NEVER ever feel that they could not explain or tell me what they feel inside. Yes it hurts (I have been through something FAR more than a pair of pants that I feel should have been shared but wasn't) and it still hurts a little, but you learn to go on. Love is not a "IF" you do this proposition.

4: Would you consider ending the relationship? For this? Love doesn't care about your clothing. Love does not care abiout the gender you feel inside. Love does not care about little things. Short of murder or equal (and even then, love may not go away...just the SO). So, no. Because I have felt love, I know what it is and it isn't that thing that most people marry for, the physical the external the "requirement". No, this is not a deal breaking proposition. Maybe I am the strange one but this is a speed bump. It may take you by surprise. It may shock you. It may make you wonder what else you should know. But if it is love, it doesn't change with your underwear.

5: Would you accept her partially or totally for who she really is? The two women I shared my life with had their own personality, their own style, their own way of living. I knew this going into both relationships. It is what I want. I don't want (or need) a Stepford wife. The quirks are what makes them who they were. Mine didn't bother them, I won't let theirs bother me. My wife was not a girly girl. I loved when she dressed up like tat but that was an extreme rarity. And she looked great when she did. My GF on the other hand WAS a girly girl. She owned on pair of shoes without heels because you can't workout in heels., she wore skirts, dresses, slacks, capris and even once just for me hot pants. I would ask that they both wear things to please me, sometimes they did just for me but then they went back to who they were. I accept the person, the inner person. So yes, I would no matter what.

[Kelly Smith]

I would be totally cool with all of it.

[Andinera]

My eyes would get big, I'd laugh in a good natured kind of way and ask her non-chalantly, "So, where's the party? Should I get dressd up too?"

[Monicamaryjay]

Hi Jillieanne,
What a great question.
I don't think that I would feel violated or lied to but the information would be important to know. However, she may have been quite confused and possibly could not disclose without exploring further by herself/himself?
Ending the relationship would seem drastic but it would definitely be quite a challenge to try to get used to the beard and body hair.... that could be the most difficult part.

Would she be wearing a strap on too?
:battingeyelashes:
Monica

[Alice B]

I would have no problem with it. What is good for the goose is good for the gander. It might even turn out to be fun.

[Lee Andrews]

As a CDer I would like to think it wouldn't bother me but seeing as I am going through this on the reverse side of the coin.... I wonder if I wasn't a crossdresser if it I would see things differently?

[Rachel Morley]

Well, it's going to be different when your questions are asked to people on this site because we are not looking at things from a cis perceptive and so we're almost certainly going to be more tolerant than a non TG partner would be. Your scenario is an interesting one, and as a matter of fact (and I know it's not the same) my wife has dressed up as a dude with binding and padding and theatrical glue-on facial hair (which is very realistic) and she has gone out with me several times in public dressed like this and to be honest, I kind of like it when she is a dude as I think it's fun. All the times have (so far) been for a costume party but she did kind of like it herself and we did talk about us maybe going out together to a bar with her dressed as a dude and me in boy mode (two "guys" out together instead of our usual two "girls" out together) but she she she couldn't do it as it would be too scary for her to go to a bar as she said she would get "read" ... welcome to my world I joked! LOL :)

[DanaR]

I would imagine that some would not like their SO doing this because they aren't gay; which is the problem many SO's would have. I don't see a problem as long as there is nothing sexual involved; unless everyone is in agreement. My wife will go out with me as two girls out and about. I wouldn't have a problem if it were reversed.

[Marlana]

I would be surprised and a little shocked as she is always making it a point to say how much she like's being a GG. After the initial surprise, I would excuse myself with her permission and let her resume what she was doing. I figure, since I didn't tell her about me, I've got no right to judge her. It would lead to the conversation I've been dying to have though. If she want's to crossdress once in a while, I get to also. Win-win for both of us.

[artofbalance]

I didn't read through all the answers, so I may be the only one like this, but again I may not. We are that way. We are both transgendered. My wife has a very strong masculine side to her. Some days she feels as she was supposed to be male. And some days I feel I should have been female. So it wouldn't surprise me if I did come home to that. I know we'd talk about it before that would ever happen. Just the kind of relationship we have.

[celeste26]

Not so sure about gluing on hair since many men do not have beards. But my wife of 26 years, every day mostly wears clothing better suited to men and she has no understanding that it is crossdressing. short hair, T shirts and jeans, jogging shoes, no makeup at all.

[Tara D. Rose]

1: Would you feel violated? Yes
2: Would you feel your s/o lied to you about herself? Yes
3 : Do you believe you had a right to know this information at any time?YES
4: Would you consider ending the relationship? YES
5: Would you accept her partially or totally for who she really is?I would hit the roof and ask how could you do this to me? Get a divorce and tell all of her friends, family and co workers.

I'm just kidding, actually it wouldn't bother me one bit at all. And I would encourage her to do what she feels she needs to do to make her or now him be a happier person. Just as long as he/she doesn't start chewing tobacco.

[Miriam-J]

It would actually be pretty interesting, but I certainly wouldn't be upset. Probably worth a really good laugh or two for both of us - and then I can take *her* shopping. Of course I wouldn't get to show her how to do makeup, but I might have to teach her how to grow hair on her face, legs, and chest (hold your breath and push really hard!).

Might present some interesting avenues for play time as well ... hmmm.

Miriam

[Eryn]

1: Would you feel violated?
2: Would you feel your s/o lied to you about herself?
3 : Do you believe you had a right to know this information at any time?
4: Would you consider ending the relationship?
5: Would you accept her partially or totally for who she really is?

I remember the proverb "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones"

Regardless of what I felt initially, I have made a commitment to my wife to make our marriage work. As she has done with me, I would do my utmost to understand and help her.

[Diversity]

I would love her for who she is and would appreciate knowing about her need to express herself. Total acceptance would be given by me to her.
Di

[Jessica86]

"I see you borrowed my dress shirt and shoes. Well, if you're wearing that...then you aren't wearing this top...these wedges...or this skirt....."

[jillleanne]

Thank you all for your honesty in your replies. My purpose for this post was to provide 'our' views( mine fall in line with all of you in accepting her for her without exception) to s/o's who may have trouble understanding how we are wired( albeit, very generallized). I intentionally did not bring up the sexual relationship aspect of this scenario. That presents another complete and distinct set of issues. Noticeably, responders appear to be older, married, and out to their s/o to some degree. I would really like to see feedback from the 'young' people here, single, in the closet. Today's younger crowd are far more open than when I was their age. What peaks my interest in all of this is the fact most here are heterosexual and yet, are willing to 'bend the curve' knowing what they know about themselves. A case for discussion on 'need to dress' verses say,' enjoy dressing ' possibly? Thank you all again.

Comments to replies: Jessica86 Now that's just plain brilliant!!!!!!
Eryn Perfectly logical.
Mirium-J Life is definitely good forf you.
Tara What is that stuff called? OldChum ? or something like that. lol
Celeste And that describes todays ''ladies'.

[jillleanne]

I'd be more upset that she hid it from me and yes she should have told me as soon as she wanted to start doing it. I would've helped her. If that's what you want to do then hell I'll dress up with you! After everything I've told her I don't think I have a place to judge and could accept her for whomever she is or decides to be.

...although she's so overtly feminine that she'd look slightly silly dressed as a man, especially with that beard. I wouldn't tell her that to her face though. :p

This answer is oh so perfect. It actually reflects on many issues detrimental to a relationship with anyone with gender issues. It touches on trust, committment, disclosure, judgement, acceptance, reality, and finally, respect. You are a special person.

[jillleanne]

I wouldn't go for the beard. But it would be way cool to go out as a couple, both of us crossdressed!

Deedee :battingeyelashes:

Understand completely. This makes it easier to understand how some s/o;s would be turned off by a genetic male wearing silicone breast forms. Too much representation of the opposite gender.

[jillleanne]

[QUOTE=Lorileah;3072115]No. Violated? I guess I don't understand that emotion in this context. Shocked? Maybe


Violated in that the s/o failed to share their gender issues with you. The trust was violated. The s/o failed to accept, by being a part of the relationship, you might be willing to accept them for who they are. Thank you for your thoughtful words.

[jillleanne]

Hi Jillieanne,
What a great question.
I don't think that I would feel violated or lied to but the information would be important to know. However, she may have been quite confused and possibly could not disclose without exploring further by herself/himself?
Ending the relationship would seem drastic but it would definitely be quite a challenge to try to get used to the beard and body hair.... that could be the most difficult part.

Would she be wearing a strap on too?
:battingeyelashes:
Monica

OMG,lol,I vaguely thought of that also but did not want a sexual element tobecome a major part of the post.

[jillleanne]

As a CDer I would like to think it wouldn't bother me but seeing as I am going through this on the reverse side of the coin.... I wonder if I wasn't a crossdresser if it I would see things differently?

I believe most of us would have many questions, many would by ok from the get-go and others simply couldn't handle it, no matter what. Remember, this is the exact issue s/o's currently have when discovering their partner has gender issues.

[Miriam-J]

[QUOTE=Lorileah;3072115]No. Violated? I guess I don't understand that emotion in this context. Shocked? Maybe


Violated in that the s/o failed to share their gender issues with you. The trust was violated. The s/o failed to accept, by being a part of the relationship, you might be willing to accept them for who they are. Thank you for your thoughtful words.

Or there's another perspective ... What have I done to discourage her from sharing this with me before this? Could I have provided a more open environment that would have eased her sharing this? Was this consciously withheld, or just not shared?

Nearly all of us who have had a life of any substance have things that haven't been shared with our SOs. Often it's just a matter that it hasn't been important to share yet.

Miriam

[jillleanne]

Well, it's going to be different when your questions are asked to people on this site because we are not looking at things from a cis perceptive and so we're almost certainly going to be more tolerant than a non TG partner would be. Your scenario is an interesting one, and as a matter of fact (and I know it's not the same) my wife has dressed up as a dude with binding and padding and theatrical glue-on facial hair (which is very realistic) and she has gone out with me several times in public dressed like this and to be honest, I kind of like it when she is a dude as I think it's fun. All the times have (so far) been for a costume party but she did kind of like it herself and we did talk about us maybe going out together to a bar with her dressed as a dude and me in boy mode (two "guys" out together instead of our usual two "girls" out together) but she she she couldn't do it as it would be too scary for her to go to a bar as she said she would get "read" ... welcome to my world I joked! LOL :)

If your s/o 'needed' to express her gender issues verses 'just for fun', would that make a difference? How interesting she fears she would get 'read', just like we worry about. That's so wonderful to read and confirms how our fears can be the same, regardless of gender.

[jillleanne]

I didn't read through all the answers, so I may be the only one like this, but again I may not. We are that way. We are both transgendered. My wife has a very strong masculine side to her. Some days she feels as she was supposed to be male. And some days I feel I should have been female. So it wouldn't surprise me if I did come home to that. I know we'd talk about it before that would ever happen. Just the kind of relationship we have.

Thank you for replying. It's people like yourselves that can provide inspiration to those that need to understand who, why, etc.

[jillleanne]

[QUOTE=jillleanne;3072762]

Or there's another perspective ... What have I done to discourage her from sharing this with me before this? Could I have provided a more open environment that would have eased her sharing this? Was this consciously withheld, or just not shared?

Nearly all of us who have had a life of any substance have things that haven't been shared with our SOs. Often it's just a matter that it hasn't been important to share yet.

Miriam

Good point Mirium. Further, does our relationship need an overhaul? Have we failed to maintain an open relationship over the years? No blame, just life.

[Diane Smith]

I have a completely ambivalent reaction to this scenario.

On one hand -- As an atypically gendered person, I am tolerant of others' eccentricities and exploration into unexplored areas of personal expression. I try to maintain an open mind about everyone I know and meet, and don't judge anyone by their appearance or wardrobe. In principle, then, seeing my SO crossdressed wouldn't freak me out, and I would hope we could talk about it.

On the other hand -- One of the strong motivations for my own dressing is that I am mildly repulsed by typically male gender cues (the squarish features, facial and body hair, rough hands and skin, untamed eyebrows, etc.) and prefer a body, either mine or a partner's, to display a more feminine aesthetic. I am not sure I would be attracted to an SO who voluntarily adopted facial hair, for example.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I'd do in the exact scenario presented. Quite possibly my short term reaction (astonishment, curiosity and tolerance) would be different from my long term response (loss of attraction).

- Diane

[sometimes_miss]

So many questions have been asked over the years directed to anyone born genetically male and who expresses themselves in a feminine way, by, people born genetically male and express a feminine side, about how, when, why do I tell my s/o about who I really am. The answers come in all flavours, sizes and shapes with a filing cabinet full of justifications. The simple amswer is of course, simply ask them in a generic way that does not out oneself at the time. That answer received might change if truth be known but a good idea of how they feel about it will come out. A good example of that would be a parent learning their child is gay. Prior to the knowledge, the parent might have commented in sentences using words such as,'faggot, queer', etc. After learning of the sons' true identity, in many cases, that all changes.

So let's put the proverbial shoe on the other foot:

How would you, as a genetically born male that expresses a feminine side, feel if you came home from work early unannounced, and saw your genetically born female s/o dressed in mens dress socks and dress shoes, with glued on beard, leg and chest hairs, getting ready to put on a mans dress shirt and pants?
1: Would you feel violated?
2: Would you feel your s/o lied to you about herself?
3 : Do you believe you had a right to know this information at any time?
4: Would you consider ending the relationship?
5: Would you accept her partially or totally for who she really is?

Unfortunately, you're preaching to the choir here; none of us find transgender folks odd. So while we might not be crazy about the idea, we'd certainly let her express her need to 'be a guy'. But simply, most women already can do that to their hearts content; I work with a woman who's only tie to femininity is a ponytail....and only because her girlfriend wants her to keep it. She has a feminine figure, being of childbearing age, but when not at work wears male clothing that fits her, men's sneakers, and doesn't seem to be noticed by anyone by doing so. If on the other hand I wore my dress anywhere, heads would certainly turn. The world isn't always fair, but I can't complain, as a tall, rather large white male, I still get the benefit of the doubt in the vast majority of situations. See Louis CK's videos on being white and you'll understand.

[Aylineira]

When seriously thinking about it... my wife already displays a lot of manly mannerisms. I even joke with her sometimes and call her the man of the relationship. I probably would be OK with the transformation, though I'm not keen on the facial hair LOL.

[jillleanne]

I have a completely ambivalent reaction to this scenario.

On one hand -- As an atypically gendered person, I am tolerant of others' eccentricities and exploration into unexplored areas of personal expression. I try to maintain an open mind about everyone I know and meet, and don't judge anyone by their appearance or wardrobe. In principle, then, seeing my SO crossdressed wouldn't freak me out, and I would hope we could talk about it.

On the other hand -- One of the strong motivations for my own dressing is that I am mildly repulsed by typically male gender cues (the squarish features, facial and body hair, rough hands and skin, untamed eyebrows, etc.) and prefer a body, either mine or a partner's, to display a more feminine aesthetic. I am not sure I would be attracted to an SO who voluntarily adopted facial hair, for example.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I'd do in the exact scenario presented. Quite possibly my short term reaction (astonishment, curiosity and tolerance) would be different from my long term response (loss of attraction).

- Diane

This response crossed my mind as well Diane. Thinking longterm, being heterosexual, my attraction in a relationship is towards a female, not a male, and although the tolerance and acceptance are present, I'm not so sure how long the relationship could survive if 'he' were present daily. I suppose that statement justifies my thinking that if I were to transition( SRS, etc), I would think of myself as lesbian.

[jillleanne]

Unfortunately, you're preaching to the choir here; none of us find transgender folks odd. So while we might not be crazy about the idea, we'd certainly let her express her need to 'be a guy'. But simply, most women already can do that to their hearts content; I work with a woman who's only tie to femininity is a ponytail....and only because her girlfriend wants her to keep it. She has a feminine figure, being of childbearing age, but when not at work wears male clothing that fits her, men's sneakers, and doesn't seem to be noticed by anyone by doing so. If on the other hand I wore my dress anywhere, heads would certainly turn. The world isn't always fair, but I can't complain, as a tall, rather large white male, I still get the benefit of the doubt in the vast majority of situations. See Louis CK's videos on being white and you'll understand.

You missed my point to my post. This s/o needs to display her manly self by crossing gender lines and the questions relate to how accepting we would be. We know many womens clothing styles today are designed for comfort, not feminine style as we know it, and although they may look manly, if fact the clothing is made for women, not men. Todays women do not feel their clothing is manly at all. Todays clothing line for women came about only recently when women entered the workforce en masse, douibling their chores by continuing the work at home, nurturing the children,and working out of the home. It only seems natural they would swap out the stillettoes for flats if they wanted to see tomorrow.

[audreyinalbany]

The question is a little unfair, since it's being asked of people who have an inborn predilection to accept non-gender conforming behaviors. Of course I'd be sympathetic to any such behavior in my wife since i indulge in such behavior myself.

[I Am Paula]

If my wife confessed that this had been a lifelong desire, and she had always known she was trans, I would accept her, but question her lengthy waiting period ( I told her when we got engaged.) Now he comes the hypocrite in me: If she said she just wanted to do it as the occasional 'kick' I probably would not be so accepting. (Personally), I don't get 'part time' transgenderism. It would however not be a deal breaker in our relationship. The tree has to bend both ways.-Celeste