It's time to tell my son

[Kelley]

I have tried to come out to my 20 yr old son 3 times now but just could not do it. I was forced out to my wife in April last year (found my stash). I felt OK with dicussing it with her and she has been very accepting. I came out to my best friend and was ok with that. I just can't open up about this to my son. Funny thing is that I think he already knows or has a good idea about it. I have always been open about all the mistakes and stupid things I did growing up an believe he benefitted form it but this is just plain hard. I need to come clean because he lives with us on weekend and holidays or when school is out. When he is here I am back to hiding and that is very uncomfortable for me. When he goes out he is usualy out late so I get comfortable to watch TV until bedtime. I keep a rob handy to cover up with if he returns early (i like to wear a long white or pink nightgown) and this has worked well. Friday night he came back early. I lock the doors when he leaves to give myselfe time to put on my robe when I hear his car pull up, well he was on his bike so I did not hear him until he was at the front door. I looked up when I heard the door knob rattle and he was looking at me through the window at the door. I was wearing my white nightgown and white sweater. I got up put on my white robe and opened the door. Nothing has been said and he has not acted differently towards me. Its been like nothing has happened.

Sorry for rambling I just need to muster the courage and tell him today before he goes back to school.

[PretzelGirl]

That is a tough spot Kelley. Normally I would say that you should take your time and not come out until you were completely comfortable with doing it. But the fact that you may have been caught changes things. If he did see your clothing, and I am not sure from your story if that happened, then his not talking can be a sign that he doesn't care or that it is all swimming in his head. The swimming in his head part is obviously the dangerous possibility. From that alone, I am thinking that you have to muster up the courage and have the talk. But the big variable is if he really saw what you are wearing. If you think that he didn't get a good look for whatever reason, then you might want to wait until your comfort grows. So think about that night with an open mind and decide your course of action based on that.

[kimdl93]

It's probably time to begin a conversation, not so you can dress comfortably around your son, but so he's not startled and disturbed by an accidental outing...by you or someone else. Take it in increments, if that helps. Maybe just talking about being accepting and understanding of others..and how everyone has their quirks. It doesn't have to happen all at once.

[Kelley]

Thanks so much for the comments.

Sue, I am 90% sure he saw what I was wearing. I had to stand up tho put on my robe although the nightgown and sweater looks a lot like my robe. The thing is I believe he already knows and has for a while. I just can't seem to say the words. But I think it is time because he does live with us a good bit of the time.

Kim, I really don't want any surprises for anyone, as you say an accidental outing like Friday night. I don't want to dress around him or do anything that would make him uncomfortable in our home. I do want him to be aware that if he goes out and comes home before 10:00 or 11:00 pm without calling he may see his dad in a nightgown.

Thanks again these comments really do help

[bridget thronton]

I told my son and his wife that I was wearing women's clothes quite a bit these days and was pleasantly surprised at their reaction (it does not matter to them). There has been no change in our relationship (had my chat with them a year ago)

[DonnaT]

When I told our son, he said he already knew and didn't have a problem. It is a lot more relaxing around the house, now that I can wear what I want, when I want, and not have to run and change.

Hopefully your announcement will go as well, and it won't affect his grades.

[MsJanessa]

If he was younger, I would say don't tell him--at twenty my answer would be different---if he wasn't living with you then I wouldn't--but since he is, at least on a part time basis, maybe you should tell him---However, and this is important, discuss it with your wife before you do---it should be a joint decision and if she not comfortable with it, you shouldn't do it.

[Michelle M]

Kelley,
I'm feeling the same thing right now. My son lives with me, and I know he has seen things. I'd be happy to explain, but he hasn't asked, so how to breach the subject?
I wish you all the best with this, and please let us know how it went.
Michelle

[Miriam-J]

Sounds like you've given it a lot of thought, Kelley. It's hard to make the right decision.

I also have a twenty-year-old son living with us, and he doesn't know. He has wonderfully open attitudes about all lifestyles, so I know he'd be very accepting in principle. But he's also a relatively immature young man who has to deal with a lot of difficulties as is, so I've hesitated to burden him with this. Still, I look forward to the day when we can share this as well.

You have to know your son's attitudes and readiness, and I'm sure you're discussing the needs with your wife. I wish you well as you work through this.

Miriam

[Kelley]

Thanks everyone for all the caring replies. I just did not have a good opportunity to talk to him before he went back to school today. I will continue to ponder this and take in to consideration all the wonderful replies. I know in my hart when it comes time I will be able to do the right thing.

Hugs Kelley

[DanaR]

If you were to tell him, he might have a problem with it. Would that be something that you would want?

My youngest daughter found out about me when she was 19. Prior to this we were good friends, had a great relationship. Then when she found out, she would say horrible things to me and my wife. My other daughters thought that she was trying to break us up. Time does heal wounds, but it took over ten years to get back where we once were; which was probably her becoming more accepting with age. She has never seen me, but does talk to me about it sometimes.

My philosophy is that if someone needs to know, you might tell them, otherwise they don't need to know. Other than some friends within the community, my wife knows, my daughters know (only because my youngest found and read some letters my wife and I had written to each other, then told her older sisters) and my doctor.

[Beverley Sims]

If there is no change in attitude, do nothing....