Ariamythe
01-06-2013, 10:51 AM
This has been a roller coaster of a week. It was only Monday that I decided to stop denying this part of myself. Tuesday I gorged on Internet resources, and by Friday I was bold enough for a little underdressing. How can something progress so fast after staying hidden for so long? For years I hoped that such feelings would die off if they were denied sunlight, but they're not plants; they could be hidden but never killed off.
Saturday, I had both the best of times and the worst of times. If you'll indulge me, I'd like to share them.
The Red Top
After my little Firday shopping experience (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?187655-My-Little-Adventure), I thought I'd shy away from another situation where I might get a judgemental look or comment. But I happened to find myself shopping alone in another box store yesterday and the compulsion hit me again. I didn't plan to, but as I was headed to the checkouts I detoured past the women's aisles. And I knew that I was going to have to shop again.
Once I admitted to myself that this was going to happen, I decided that I wanted a skirt to go with yesterday's purchase; However, this box store is not a high-fashion place; and aded to that I am a big dude who is carrying extra weight. Their plus-sized section is very casual and limited. Apparently all plus size women at this store are allowed to wear are slacks, lounge pants, and highly-Bedazzled jeans. None of those satisfied my cravings; I wanted something to go with those hose!
Then, on a clearence rack I saw this (http://www.thefancy.com/things/253507048224853025/Derek-Heart-Lace-Shrug-Duet-Top). It was in plus sizes, and for some reason it ... compelled me. The lace, the red -- I wanted it! And they had it in the largest plus sizes in the store (3x).
So I grabbed it.
This particular box store was a "safer" shopping arena for me because it has self-checkout. I kept it bunched amongst my other purchases in my cart and was sure to scan-and-bag it quickly, so there were no weird stares or rude commens. It was practically uneventful.
But not uneventful for me, because, you know ...
One of the things I've started doing as part of my "coming out" is tweeting. While these long-winded stories here are my attempt to share my experience with a like-minded audience, Twitter is my release valve for when I start having anxiety and shame. It lets me vent things in an "open room" and in the moment. Here's what I tweeted soon after getting home with my purchase yesterday:
http://assets4.pinimg.com/upload/430023464389609370_myZeRDy6.jpg
(https://twitter.com/Ariamythe/status/287694072313954306)
I'm still not sure how to put this into better words than that. Two days in a row I've doe this, after resisitig it for twenty years. It's not like an overpowerig high, but at the same time it's like cleansing my mind. I'm not giddy, but content. Comfortabe. I can't believe it's only been five days since I began to allow myself to feel this way. I can't beliee I spent twenty years denying myself this feeling.
I've got to stop the shopping spree, though. I've run out of pocket cash and would't know how to explain further purchases to my wife.
Frustrated
I like this community a lot, and right now you're like my therapy circle. But this is still a publicly visable place so there's a lot I can't and won't say here. However, on the same day as my euphoric second shopping experiment, I also had a really bad moment, and I need to share it.
My wife and I do not have a perfect marriage. In fact, without getting into identifiable details, I will say that we have had some tension and dysfunction that has even led to mariage counseling. I honestly feel that part of our issue stems from this part of me that I have kept hidden for so long; of course I couldn't say that in the counceling sessions, as it would have involved admitting something I wasn't ready to (I almost did, once, during a solo session with the therapist, but I didn't like him and I didn't think he'd react the way I wanted to).
Further, my wife and I had an incident at the very outset of this week. It was that dispute that made me finally say to myself, "You're not being honest with her, because you're not being honest with yourself. If you want to keep her, you've got to be honst with her. And that means you've got to start being honest with yourself." The reason I'm here today, being open to myself, is because of her.
So, back to yesterday. After having hit my high point for the day, and as I was still riding the endorphans of that experience, I had a crash: my wife and I got into it. The incident from the week before came up, and there were terse words, and I told her not to wory about it, that I was no longer going to pursue that issue, that I'd let it go. And I have! I wish I felt strong enough to say more publicly, but right now I really am no longer concerned about this issue. I've matured, in part because of what I've felt this past week.
She didn't believe me, of course, especially when she asked "How can you all of a sudden not care?" and I couldn't tell her why. I almost did; I almost blurted it out right then, desprate to defuse this problem between us. But I didn't want that to be the moment I told her. I'm sure that when I tell her, it will be a moment filled with anxiety and questions and shock, and so I didn't want to add tesion and anger to it.
"Not right now," I said instead. "I promise you, I will tell you why I'm feeling this way, but this is not the moment. Can you please give me time?"
Strangely, that seemed to calm the situation. Maybe just knowing that I was changing was enough for her. I don't know. I do know that it was a really dificult moment for me. Not because I wanted to hide this part of myself, but because I had to. And that was a first for me.
Epilogue
So, I tried on the top this morning, my first opportunity to do so. Women's sizes are cut smaller than men's sizes, and the top is uncomfortably tight. But I have begun to work on my "girlish figure" anyway, and this top is now my primary motivation for shedding pounds. It's my trophy; I want to wear it!
As to these stories: thanks for letting me ramble on for so long. Those of you who read my last post; I wanred you I can be long-winded! Just knowing that someone else is reading these without judgement is comforting. This forum, and you all, are appreciated.
Saturday, I had both the best of times and the worst of times. If you'll indulge me, I'd like to share them.
The Red Top
After my little Firday shopping experience (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?187655-My-Little-Adventure), I thought I'd shy away from another situation where I might get a judgemental look or comment. But I happened to find myself shopping alone in another box store yesterday and the compulsion hit me again. I didn't plan to, but as I was headed to the checkouts I detoured past the women's aisles. And I knew that I was going to have to shop again.
Once I admitted to myself that this was going to happen, I decided that I wanted a skirt to go with yesterday's purchase; However, this box store is not a high-fashion place; and aded to that I am a big dude who is carrying extra weight. Their plus-sized section is very casual and limited. Apparently all plus size women at this store are allowed to wear are slacks, lounge pants, and highly-Bedazzled jeans. None of those satisfied my cravings; I wanted something to go with those hose!
Then, on a clearence rack I saw this (http://www.thefancy.com/things/253507048224853025/Derek-Heart-Lace-Shrug-Duet-Top). It was in plus sizes, and for some reason it ... compelled me. The lace, the red -- I wanted it! And they had it in the largest plus sizes in the store (3x).
So I grabbed it.
This particular box store was a "safer" shopping arena for me because it has self-checkout. I kept it bunched amongst my other purchases in my cart and was sure to scan-and-bag it quickly, so there were no weird stares or rude commens. It was practically uneventful.
But not uneventful for me, because, you know ...
One of the things I've started doing as part of my "coming out" is tweeting. While these long-winded stories here are my attempt to share my experience with a like-minded audience, Twitter is my release valve for when I start having anxiety and shame. It lets me vent things in an "open room" and in the moment. Here's what I tweeted soon after getting home with my purchase yesterday:
http://assets4.pinimg.com/upload/430023464389609370_myZeRDy6.jpg
(https://twitter.com/Ariamythe/status/287694072313954306)
I'm still not sure how to put this into better words than that. Two days in a row I've doe this, after resisitig it for twenty years. It's not like an overpowerig high, but at the same time it's like cleansing my mind. I'm not giddy, but content. Comfortabe. I can't believe it's only been five days since I began to allow myself to feel this way. I can't beliee I spent twenty years denying myself this feeling.
I've got to stop the shopping spree, though. I've run out of pocket cash and would't know how to explain further purchases to my wife.
Frustrated
I like this community a lot, and right now you're like my therapy circle. But this is still a publicly visable place so there's a lot I can't and won't say here. However, on the same day as my euphoric second shopping experiment, I also had a really bad moment, and I need to share it.
My wife and I do not have a perfect marriage. In fact, without getting into identifiable details, I will say that we have had some tension and dysfunction that has even led to mariage counseling. I honestly feel that part of our issue stems from this part of me that I have kept hidden for so long; of course I couldn't say that in the counceling sessions, as it would have involved admitting something I wasn't ready to (I almost did, once, during a solo session with the therapist, but I didn't like him and I didn't think he'd react the way I wanted to).
Further, my wife and I had an incident at the very outset of this week. It was that dispute that made me finally say to myself, "You're not being honest with her, because you're not being honest with yourself. If you want to keep her, you've got to be honst with her. And that means you've got to start being honest with yourself." The reason I'm here today, being open to myself, is because of her.
So, back to yesterday. After having hit my high point for the day, and as I was still riding the endorphans of that experience, I had a crash: my wife and I got into it. The incident from the week before came up, and there were terse words, and I told her not to wory about it, that I was no longer going to pursue that issue, that I'd let it go. And I have! I wish I felt strong enough to say more publicly, but right now I really am no longer concerned about this issue. I've matured, in part because of what I've felt this past week.
She didn't believe me, of course, especially when she asked "How can you all of a sudden not care?" and I couldn't tell her why. I almost did; I almost blurted it out right then, desprate to defuse this problem between us. But I didn't want that to be the moment I told her. I'm sure that when I tell her, it will be a moment filled with anxiety and questions and shock, and so I didn't want to add tesion and anger to it.
"Not right now," I said instead. "I promise you, I will tell you why I'm feeling this way, but this is not the moment. Can you please give me time?"
Strangely, that seemed to calm the situation. Maybe just knowing that I was changing was enough for her. I don't know. I do know that it was a really dificult moment for me. Not because I wanted to hide this part of myself, but because I had to. And that was a first for me.
Epilogue
So, I tried on the top this morning, my first opportunity to do so. Women's sizes are cut smaller than men's sizes, and the top is uncomfortably tight. But I have begun to work on my "girlish figure" anyway, and this top is now my primary motivation for shedding pounds. It's my trophy; I want to wear it!
As to these stories: thanks for letting me ramble on for so long. Those of you who read my last post; I wanred you I can be long-winded! Just knowing that someone else is reading these without judgement is comforting. This forum, and you all, are appreciated.