The nearer your destination the more youre slip sliding away.

[melissaK]

So my wife and I had this discussion:

W: You're back-sliding. Your coping is worse. Your on HRT, you're out to me and talking, you have expanded your girl clothes with tolerance from me, and you are in counseling again. But you are worse at coping with dysphoria. Why? Aren't they helping?

Me: They help. A part of me has never been this happy in my whole life.

W: So it makes you realize this is what you really want, it makes it all the more important to you, and you have no way of rationalizing or fighting the desire so coping is harder than ever.

. . . And with that she didn't wait for a response and she left my side to be alone with her thoughts and feelings. (She'd like me to delay as long as possible, and I've been trying to buy her as much time as I can).

I think she's smarter than me, and I think she's more right than not. But we have other life stressors a foot in our life, we put my Mom in hospice care this weekend and her brother just had a pancreatitis diagnosis and is now on insulin, so we are both emotionally exhausted on several fronts.

So leaving parents in hospice and brothers out of it, and just thinking of the gender issues, had anyone else been there and reached a similar conclusion?

[StephanieC]

I'm afraid I have no helpful response. You have way more communication, about specific items, then I could ever hope to have with my SO.

I am sorry to hear about the other items in your life. I do know the impact of dealing with sick and elderly parents though. My thoughts are with you.

-stephani

[josee]

I will say though that my gender dysphoria is still an everyday part of my life even though I have taken steps towards transition.

I don't think there is anyway you can take the issues with your family "out of it". Those issues alone would cause any thinking, feeling person huge amounts of stress.

Transitioning its self is a very stressful situation. Of course we feel happier, we are becoming who we have always felt we were. Making progress does indeed cause my thoughts to drift ahead with great anticipation to what's next. This is natural I think.
:2c:
Don't let her questions discourage you.

[Jorja]

Coping with the dysphoria is the most difficult part. The closer you get to becoming the person you need to be, the harder it is to control it. You will not be satisfied until you are complete. Only you can determine where that line for complete is.

[Gaby2]

I hope and trust things will go your way, Melissa. :)Gaby

[ChelseaErtel]

I think Jorja, once again, hit the nail on the head. Who does not want to be themselves? A life of pretending to be something we are not is exhausting and fulfilling and ultimately creates unhappiness. I know when I'm in full Chelsea mode, almost forgetting my dysphoria and just living I have never been happier. How can any reasonable human being be expected to resit that?

I am so sorry to hear about your family. My parents are on their last legs as well and I spend an awful lot of time taking care of them.

You are in my thoughts and I wish you all the best.

[Anne2345]

Have your coping skills really somehow diminished?

Or more likely the case, has your dysphoria intensified?

So what is it that you ultimately want (as if I don't know)? More importantly, if you are unwilling or unable to risk the potential of certain sacrifices, what are you able to live with?

Decisions can be hard to make. It's all very scary. So much is potentially on the line. Of course, we all know this. Lol! This isn't anything new to any of us.

But why is it that your wife wants you to "delay?" You've written that you are trying to buy time, and that your wife wants delay. Why does she want delay? Is she hoping you will change your mind or feel differently about this in the future? Are you two in counseling together, and hopefully working through these issues? You are clearly communicating with her, which is a very good thing.

Not to be argumentative, but I do not agree that the nearer to your destination you become, the more you slip away. I think it is the exact opposite, in fact.

Instead, I think it's more accurate that the farther you run away from yourself, and deny your true self, whoever that may be, the more you will slip away.

Don't slip away, Melissa. You are too good of a person. Stick with it, figure yourself out, continue to work through this with your wife, and hope for the best. See how easy it all is??!! Damn I'm good!!! :D

Sigh. How about we just go out for some really strong drinks together? I'll come pick you up, and we can take a cab back . . . . :shots:

[Rianna Humble]

So my wife and I had this discussion:

W: You're back-sliding. Your coping is worse. Your on HRT, you're out to me and talking, you have expanded your girl clothes with tolerance from me, and you are in counseling again. But you are worse at coping with dysphoria. Why? Aren't they helping?

Me: They help. A part of me has never been this happy in my whole life.

W: So it makes you realize this is what you really want, it makes it all the more important to you, and you have no way of rationalizing or fighting the desire so coping is harder than ever.

It seems to me that your wife has got the wrong end of the stick. Neither the counselling nor the HRT are designed to make your need to express your gender go away. The aim of the counselling would normally be to help you to cope during the transitionary period and IMNSHO would be all the more necessary because you are trying to delay things for your wife's sake. The usual reason to take the hormones (unless you are simply using them as a diagnostic tool) is to start to bring your body closer to expressing your true gender.

The dysphoria doesn't go away until you have become whole, although for me the treatment is helping to make it more bearable because I know I am on my way to being whole.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

it seems to me melissa that your wife is very observant and communicated the state of the world very nicely..

i like how she said "So it makes you realize this is what you really want, it makes it all the more important to you, and you have no way of rationalizing or fighting the desire so coping is harder than ever."

I like it because it is so insightful about the idea of coping...more specifically what you are coping with.... she is highlighting that because the HRT has clarified things for you, you have a harder time rationalizing the decision to delay or not transition
barring other factors (and of course you can't just bar other factors) that decision makes no sense and now you are coping with that....

this is compared to coping with your gender w/o recourse over your life...the idea that all this is true, that you really are female, and that you can actually do something about it is not invisible anymore ...that is hard to cope with after investing so much in your male life and also its hard to cope with costs of transition being so high in so many ways...

and for her, she is going to have to cope with the part that says "......this is what you really want...." ..think about it...what is she supposed to do with that? with my wife, i saw it in her eyes, heard it in her voice, and felt it in everything...i felt lower than low...you have to help her through that realization if you can and if she will let you...

if possible, it would help to simplify things for now...your life situation sounds really tough right now..if you could make a short term commitment to your wife and family to be there emotionally and get through this really difficult time it might buy you some peace of mind to help you make your best decisions down the road... it might demonstrate to people that on a purely human level you are still there for them, that your essential goodness is alive and well and that it will be worth it to them to stick by you when you need their support..

[Inna]

Take it from me, besides devastation, hardship, seemingly impossible quest, hellish proportions of painfully spasmic emotional ride leading straight into the inferno of sorrow through hells gates, losses of what seemed unconditional, uprooting false impressions of SELF, erupting gazers of life long denial and crying it our one tear at the time...............

There comes a time when seas and wind subside, skies clear and a warm ray of loving sun caresses your true being in the most precocious serene calm.

The storm returns, as it will forever, the cycle of condition of existence, but, you know WHO you are, and that truth is more solid then life it self.

[LeaP]

So leaving parents in hospice and brothers out of it, and just thinking of the gender issues, had anyone else been there and reached a similar conclusion?

I wouldn't phrase my situation exactlly the same way, but it feels similar. I very much appreciate this thread, as I'm finding it helpful. In my case I haven't been able to anywer my wife's question as to why I wouldn't stay right where/as I am, given my descriptions of being so much better off since starting HRT.

I don't experience things as more difficulty coping so much as in the terms that Kaitlyn described in her response (thank you, Kaitlyn). Desire doesn't express what I feel so much as a pull - an increase in urgency that drives from hunger, or need to be, feeling deprived for so long. Can I hold? I can't say yet. Should I? Even harder question. In both cases, too soon to tell.

The idea of making a commitment to my wife's understanding makes complete sense to me. With two caveats ... I have no idea how to facilitate it, and evidence is everywhere that this might be a hopeless exercise.

I do believe in my wife's ability to help, in her love, and that she has my interests at heart. I don't believe I could forgive myself were I not to make a full-faith effort at helping her and this thread is a reminder that openness and honesty not only starts at home, but finds its fulfillment at home. One of the reasons this thread hits home is that Melissa's wife's comments come across as similarly well-intended.

[melissaK]

Wonderful helpful comments from everyone. Thank you all. Today has been crushing. Some days it means everything that you all are there.

And yes, the slip sliding away reference isn't a great fit. But the more involved in transition planning I get, the worse I want it, and the harder my days seem. Nominations for a better pop culture allegorical reference gladly accepted!

And Anne sweetie, I'll gladly buy the first round . . .

[elizabethamy]

'lissa, while I'm thinking about you and the struggle you face, I have to say that the analogy sounds right to me. Once you take steps to make the dysphoria disappear, you start looking toward the horizon and wanting to get there faster and faster...but the horizon is always receding, at least for a while...good wishes to you and your family!

[Leanne2]

Melissa,
There is only so much stress that a body can be subject to before that person breaks down physically, emotionally, or both. You can't control the illnesses in your wife's family but you can delay your journey. For your wife's sake, low key your situation and concentrate on supporting her in this difficult time. She needs all the "normal" that she can get right now. Leanne

[Leslie Langford]

Melissa, clearly you are on a gut-wrenching journey of self-discovery regarding your gender dysphoria which is taking some unexpected twists and turns, but eventually you will get to the place where you need to be. Your wife may not be on the same page as you at any given time, but she appears to be a very insightful woman who is trying to help both yourself and herself in coming to terms with this while still being on your side - even if it means confronting some uncomfortable truths.

Equally clearly, the other external stressors present in your life at this time are taking their toll and possibly accelerating this process. As crossdressers, we all know what an important part our "hobby" plays in coping with stress as well as in seeking momentary respite from the "real" world.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Equally clearly, the other external stressors present in your life at this time are taking their toll and possibly accelerating this process. As crossdressers, we all know what an important part our "hobby" plays in coping with stress as well as in seeking momentary respite from the "real" world.

they are not relatable... in these cases its almost exactly the opposite of this..

for us our "internal" real life conflicts with our made up life...real life feels empty and nonexistent

when something bad happens in our lives and we haven't transitioned yet, or if transition seems out of reach...all the pent up existential pain wells up and eats us alive...you look back at your life and things become clear and it hurts ...alot... what a ts goes through in these types of moments is almost the exact opposite of what you describe because it can make us feel like we have no real life at all...and while you aspire to maximizing the peace of mind attained by having a robust femme side we aspire to having some semblance of a real life at all...

[Angela Campbell]

It sounds to me like she has much different goals for this than you do, and the closer the destination the more SHE is slip sliding away.

[melissaK]

It sounds to me like she has much different goals for this than you do, and the closer the destination the more SHE is slip sliding away.

:) Yes. That rings true to me as a reason for me picking that song out of the ether that is my mind. Thanks.

(Seriously, my mind operates in a language of symbols, images, colors, songs and metaphors, and decoding myself is a daily task just to figure out what I feel. It sounds a bit whacked, but its not.)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

spoken like a true synesthesiac