Existential Crisis -- Help! Who Are You?

[Ariamythe]

I have been brooding in my office all afternoon and I have gone and had an existential crisis. I vented into my blog a bit (http://ariamythe.wordpress.com/2013/01/07/who-am-i/), but it's still bothering me so I thought I'd ask you all a question.

How do you see the "real" you? When you dress up? When you take it off? Which name do you call yourself in your head when you're alone?

Thanks in advance. Aria needs a therapy session.

[ArleneRaquel]

I call myself Arlene. I see myself as a man living as a male who dresses as a woman, I really don't see myself as a lady, though I wish that I was. When I do see myself as a lady I do know who and what I'm really. It is so comforting to live & dress as a female. I hope that I made some sense.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I am me. I am always me. Even when I fantasize about the gourgous feamle body I sometimes want to have, it is only a shell. I love being the nerdy guy that I am no matter what.

[Kaz]

I get moments of tension I guess. For the last year or so I have increasingly seen myself as female on the inside of my head. I prefer to see ne dressed fully as Kaz and I grab every second I can to wear her clothes and feel more like her. Then I have moments where I think it has all become dangerously compulsive and I worry. Moments of sheer bliss to moments of self-doubt. But I know who I am really... and I call her Kaz!

[ArleneRaquel]

Kaz,
A marvelous posting. HUGZ!

[Angela Campbell]

I am the same person all the time. I am unhappy with my appearance a lot and want to look like a woman, but inside I am me, and I am female. I just do not look like it all the time.

And I never much liked the name my Mother gave me, but I use it to make her happy. I also sometimes look like a man to make others happy.

[Karren H]

The real me is naked..... what I wear doesn't define who I am.... only how I look....

[Ariamythe]

I call myself Arlene. I see myself as a man living as a male who dresses as a woman, I really don't see myself as a lady, though I wish that I was. When I do see myself as a lady I do know who and what I'm really. It is so comforting to live & dress as a female. I hope that I made some sense.

Will you hate me if I say it didn't? What I mean is, what you're describing is sort of how I'm feeling right now, only not. Ugh, so confused ...

[Ariamythe]

The real me is naked..... what I wear doesn't define who I am.... only how I look....
But what is your name? I know that sounds like an odd question, but that's where my mind is. I see so many people signing off as "Roger/Tina" or whatever, or saying "I was Roxanne yesterday," and I'm just wondering which is truth?

[ArleneRaquel]

Will you hate me if I say it didn't? What I mean is, what you're describing is sort of how I'm feeling right now, only not. Ugh, so confused ...

I never hate. Maybe this will be a better explanation. I want to be a seen as a woman, and I feel, usually, that I am a female,but reality says that I'm not, no transition here. I do want to be seen as a female and wish that everyone else would also.

[Julie Denier]

My signature pretty much sums up how I feel ...

[Staci K]

Hi Aria,

For myself, Nicole is a separate person than Tim - as if they are two distinctly different people. I've thought long and hard about this when I first started to explore the female side of my persona. I've found that I tend to cycle between the pink & blue fogs. I enjoy the time I spend in each mindset and I would not want to shed one side or the other. Thus why I consider myself bi-gendered.

When in the pink fog, Nicole loves getting girly, pretty things, etc. She has her own distinct likes & dislikes. She wishes her body wasn't so damn large - she'd rather be much smaller and petite. But she deals with it.

When in the blue fog, Tim likes being a guy. He likes driving a big truck and being large and intimidating. He enjoys playing in his woodshop, playing with tools, making sawdust.

Unfortunately, the pendulum seems to only sway one way or another. I'm trying to find some balance - eating healthier and losing some weight - Nicole would love to lose weight and it wouldn't hurt Tim to drop a few pounds. My wife tells me that some girls like to do woodworking too. I dunno though about blending my interests - something about wearing a skirt and pantyhose in my shop while woodworking just doesn't seem right - I think the sawdust would make a mess of my pantyhose.

Nicole

[Kate Simmons]

I have 4 names I go by when I send out my daily litany along with positive energy. I sign it by saying: " If what I have spoken is to be, let it become so.I am Alex(andra), I am Salandra, I am Richard, I am Ericka." This makes it formal and demonstrates I have balanced my male and female energies. :)

[2B Natasha]

How do you see the "real" you? When you dress up? When you take it off? Which name do you call yourself in your head when you're

I always " See " the real me. I am me. Whether I wear a dress or jeans. Heels or hiking boots. I can't be anybody else. What do I call myself in my head. I don't. I do not speak to myself in the third person in my head. There's no need. I know I'm thinking, not talking, to myself so there is no reason to parse it out to gender roles defined by name. When I take it off and I'm standing in my birthday suit in front of a mirror. I am still just me.

I did give my female presentation a name. Two actually. The first was Lisa. I like that name. Kind of bubbly and happy and fun. Laughs easy. But that isn't me. It didn't represent myself. You see. I discovered that since I am who I am. Regardless of clothes. It didn't fit. So I named my female self a more appropriate name. One that when people hear it they think about me more like I am.

But that is for their consumption. Not mine. I am me.

Cheers

[Gaby2]

... and now I'm in my next phase... I was a boy, timid and shy... I realised I liked girls... and wondered why... I experimented and discovered "something new" every now and again... throughout the years... you can use your imagination, but that was probably "something" quite similar to what you have been doing and/or going through, Ariamythe... I eventually escaped and admitted I liked dressing and feeling like a girl... since escaping, I don't mind being a boy who sometimes dresses like a girl... sometimes it's for fun... mostly it's because I need to...
:hugs: Gaby

[Laura912]

I like Karren's response because both persona occupy the same body that goes about doing things associated with both genders. The desire to move between genders waxes and wanes depending on some mysterious force of the universe, perhaps the Higgs Boson particle.

[Ariamythe]

I've found that I tend to cycle between the pink & blue fogs. I enjoy the time I spend in each mindset and I would not want to shed one side or the other. Thus why I consider myself bi-gendered.

When in the pink fog, Nicole loves getting girly, pretty things, etc. She has her own distinct likes & dislikes. She wishes her body wasn't so damn large - she'd rather be much smaller and petite. But she deals with it.

When in the blue fog, Tim likes being a guy. He likes driving a big truck and being large and intimidating. He enjoys playing in his woodshop, playing with tools, making sawdust.

I saw this metaphor on your blog. It's a pretty good one. I'm feeling foggy today alright. But it feels more like John Carpenter's The Fog ... it holds dark secrets, and in the end, people died ... <spooky music here>

[CassandraSmith]

1. I'm a guy that strongly identifies with the desirable feminine behaviors and attributes.
2. I feel like I get to have a dialog with the X side of my genetics and explore all the positive things about being a woman.
3. I go back to my tasks and don't think about it much after that for a while.
4. Actually, I never use my name in my head. I only use it when talking to other people as an icon or more like a talisman that sums up all the facets of my secret self.

I think as I've gotten older, the question changed from "Who am I?" to "How can I help?" and "How can I evolve?"

[MarinaKirax]

I hadn't given it a thought until you asked. Then I wondered for a while, and I've decided that the problem is the question. Its not giving me an answer because it's wrong. Like asking 'Whats green about driveways?", or "How many squirrels constitute sadness?". The answer is "unask the question". I am not a student of Eastern philosophy, but there is something that applies; "the Tao that can be named is not the eternal Tao".

Names are a way of defining, pigeonholing us, and who I am when I am alone is unnamed. It is 'before names'. Pre-names. Other people use names to call me, refer to me, to relate to me. But I don't need to use a name when I'm alone. I'm my own consciousness. If I'm feeling girly, I'll probably imagine people relating to me as Marina, otherwise not.

Your crisis is that you're looking for a name for your pre-name state of mind. And now, grasshopper, it is time for you to leave the temple.... :)
Cheers, MK

[JadeEmber]

Perhaps an appropriate quote:

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

— Oscar Wilde

So perhaps you are most you when you are dressed. Or perhaps not ;). From another point of view, when don't we wear masks in life? Have you ever actually experienced that?

Personally, I find the topic an interesting one, as people speak of dualities. I only really see myself as one person, although that person constantly changes.

Anyway, I could fill rooms with books of fiction and non-fiction in a quest to answer to that :D

[kimdl93]

I am the same person no matter how I happen to be dressed. I do see myself as a blend of male and female, in indeterminate proportions. I always feel somewhere in between, but when dressed, I feel that the inside and outside match a little better.

[Lady Catherine]

My two personalities have full blown conversations in my head.

[AmyGaleRT]

I am my male self and I am Amy, one and inseparable. The two are different aspects of myself. Both are valid. My clothing emphasizes one aspect or the other at any given time. But the one that dominates at any given time still feels the influence of the other. It sounds very mystical, but it's the best way I can describe it.

- Amy

[Jessica_M]

Fascinating question....
Until now, I didn't realize that when I'm in "male mode", I think a lot about my female person (Jessica)..... but the interesting thing is that when I'm dressed and in "female mode" I do not ever think about my male side.... I am so totally immersed and identify as the person I am as Jessica.
Someone mentioned in a thread that they noticed that "we" often refer to our female self in the third person. I had never realized that but I have done that also when commenting here. I realize that my female self is so important to me that I should never reference my female self in the third person.

Perhaps how we think about our male selves and our female selves is an indicator of where we are on our life path of understanding that we have a female self. The mind is a scary place... don't go there alone!!!
Thanks for posing the question... it really helps in understanding.

[Ariamythe]

I hadn't given it a thought until you asked. Then I wondered for a while, and I've decided that the problem is the question. Its not giving me an answer because it's wrong. Like asking 'Whats green about driveways?", or "How many squirrels constitute sadness?". The answer is "unask the question". I am not a student of Eastern philosophy, but there is something that applies; "the Tao that can be named is not the eternal Tao".
While I can see the insight in your response, I don't know if I agree with it. Naming has always been important to me. It confers certainty and familiarity. This whole thing for me is nameless, uncertain, and unfamiliar. Maybe I'm just scared to name it.


Your crisis is that you're looking for a name for your pre-name state of mind. And now, grasshopper, it is time for you to leave the temple.... :)

I will give your view some serious thought. In my RL I often tell students that they need to think critically and be willing to accept that they don't have all the answers. Maybe it's time to heed my own words.

[Ariamythe]

Hey all. Just came back to say sorry for crisising all over this thread yesterday. I feel a bit silly now. Your views were much appreciated.

[Jorja]

I am a bit different than the CD's that have already posted to this thread. I am a transsexual post-op woman (for the purpose of this forum). I have been for 25+ years. I can't take it off. It is me. Even today, sometimes I still have those conversations in my head. Like this morning we had an argument as to who was going to go outside and scrape the frost off of the windshield of the car, me or him? As usual Jorja lost! It seems she has to do everything if it is going to get done. :)

[Tracii G]

My journey thru life has been an interesting one to say the least but the female side has always been there.
I'm not one to make things overly complicated or read too much into the hows and whys.
Things are what they are just deal with them as need be.
Getting deep in the existential realm of why we are this way and where we are going is IMO where a lot of transgender people get lost.
Trying to categorize and put things into a box or classification seems futile to me just be yourself.

[Frédérique]

How do you see the "real" you? When you dress up? When you take it off? Which name do you call yourself in your head when you're alone?

I am a collection of different aspects of my self, and my crossdressed self is just the same “real” me, albeit in a dress. I chuckle at the incongruity of it all! I call myself the same name no matter how I’m dressed. Confusion does NOT reign, and there is no existential crisis. Basically, when I dress up I look at myself in the mirror, I invariably say “COOL!” and then I enjoy being dressed up. It’s that simple…
:battingeyelashes:

[ReineD]

For the longest time my SO was a man who crossdressed. Then the pendulum swung way to the other side, when she questioned if she was a woman. I do not know how much she may have felt she was a woman, or for how long. My SO got through it all by being OK with not having any answers for a while. S/he just stayed in the moment with it, going with the feelings of the day. If she wanted to dress she did and she enjoyed it, and if he didn't he enjoyed that too. No repression, no pressure. I'm sure that some of this involved removing the standard definition of man or woman from the way that s/he saw him/herself.

Eventually, my SO settled on identifying as dualgender.

Other terms for this are bigender or gender fluid. Or middlepather (I think this was made up in this forum). Or inbetweener, gender non-conforming, gender variant.

Some people call themselves "transgender" but I wouldn't recommend it, since the term is too ambiguous. Some transsexuals or questioning transsexuals use this term for themselves as do crossdressers for whom the crossdressing is not fetish. It also is an umbrella term for anyone who engages in cross-gender expression or behavior.

[Rogina B]

I am a bit different than the CD's that have already posted to this thread. I am a transsexual post-op woman (for the purpose of this forum). I have been for 25+ years. I can't take it off. It is me. Even today, sometimes I still have those conversations in my head. Like this morning we had an argument as to who was going to go outside and scrape the frost off of the windshield of the car, me or him? As usual Jorja lost! It seems she has to do everything if it is going to get done. :) You are a "get it done "kind of woman and I doubt you carry a lazy guy in your head at all! You would have kicked him to the curb long ago...unless the sex was extra good! lol

[Beverley Sims]

I just remain me. If I wear a skirt and top I make myself up to lok like a woman.
If I wear trousers I make myself up to look like a man.
I do not bother to over think the situation too much.

[Maria S]

I am 2 people in 1. When I am dressed my male side goes on hold. I'd like to say vice versa but sometimes I have to think and plan about girl mode in boy mode. I suppose I've more experience being in boy mode so I can do it with less thought.

Maria

[Veronnie2]

I think of myself as Veronnica, even when in drab at work, being that I am dressed femme under my so called manly exterior clothes. If i have to put on the Ron exterior, well, that is just outer clothing. My inner self is Veronnica, 24/7/365. veronnie2

[Alexisninsar]

I may be complicating thing with this. First and foremost I see myself as "Human", it would be nice to get rid of all these labels we as a spices given our selves. Sometimes I feel more feminine other a little more masculine. I wear combination male/female clothing when out and about and at work, Bout the only guy clothing I have are shoes and shirts. I have worn skirts and tops while out in other towns that are a little more friendly; but I have not ventured to wear Forms and make up, that day is coming soon.
As far as what I call myself, Alexis is my given middle name, so weather it Alexis or my actual first name I am and will always be me.

[GroovyChristy]

There is no duality for me. I look in the mirror and see the same person that's always been there. I've grown, changed, and all of that, but I've always been essentially the same person. I have always thought of myself as Christy, Christine, or at least Chris. I have never identified with my male name.