Am I nuts?

[Staci K]

:eek:

I've had a long time desire when dressing to explore a relationship as Nicole. Someone that I can 'date' to be able to snuggle up to on the couch while watching a movie. To be held and feel his strong embrace. And eventually when relaxed with him, be his woman in the bedroom.

With 2013, I've started moving forward with the mindset that I'm not getting any younger, this has been a life-long thing, and I've got to explore it. You only live once, right?

So I've started a conversation with a gentleman online. Turns out he lives only a couple miles away. He fully knows I'm a CD, he knows that I tend to cycle between pink & blue fogs, and respects that in the blue fog, I have a life that includes a wife and a kid. Thus far I really like him - he's kind, courteous, and quite the gentleman. My wife knows of Nicole's desires and encourages Nicole to have a special friend knowing she doesn't have the right parts to satisfy Nicole.

So I'm carrying on a dialog with this gentlemen, I really like him thus far and would like to meet him in person. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks.... :eek: What the heck are you doing?!?! You're a guy; you're married; you've gone plumb loco.

Anyone else have these struggles? If so are you over your insecurities? What worked to put your mind at ease?

Thanks for your input...

Nicole

[Jessica_M]

Yes I've had and still have those thoughts..... and have acted on them a couple of times... a long time ago.
First I would be concerned where you met him on-line.... Craigslist seems to be a petri dish of potentially dangerous people.

Some people here have mentioned using a site like this one to develop relationships with the group and go from there...
I'm sure there are others here that can recommend other options, perhaps like local CD friendly groups.....

In any case, in the past, it was always a good idea to meet first in a very public place... and have your people judgement skills on high alert....
Keep looking for posts here before you agree to meet him anywhere... You do need to be cautious and protect yourself.
Best...
Jessica_M

[Stephanie47]

Sometimes fantasies should not be acted upon.
Sometimes the anticipation exceeds the actual event.
Risks vs Rewards

There are many times in life when we choose not to do something because it may have an adverse impact on those around us who love us.

[Jaymees22]

YES you are. Keep this a fantasy, you have a lot to lose and nothing to gain. Jaymee

[Beverley Sims]

I totally agree with you, and I would say a lot of others reading this also agree.
I would even edit your post in case your wife reads it.
Mine looked at it and said this guy's not real. (No smiley intended here.)

[Erica Marie]

I understand your feelings. BUT you have a loving wife who accepts you whole heartedly. DO NOT GIVE THAT UP FOR ANYTHING!!! Talk with your wife, if she is openminded enough maybe there are some, if you wanna say, special adapters that you two could experiment with. She has accepted you the way you are and as far as I am concerned that is worth more than anything. I have went through two serious relaionships where my SO could not accept me for who I am.

[sterling12]

It's your business what you do! But, you asked what do I have to lose? For Starters, your wife, your kid, half your "stuff," your anonymity, and potentially anything that might be connected with being "outed."

Otherwise, yes you have nothing to lose. Better think twice, then think again! Playing games outside of your marriage has a propensity to come back and bite you in The Derrière! I would concentrate on what "might happen." Ask a simple question of yourself, "If it all goes wrong...can I afford to take the consequences?"

Peace and Love, Joanie

[GaleWarning]

Don't be an idiot!
You have everything to lose and nothing to gain.
I know.

[Annaliese]

Be careful, look at all options, if you go down this road, will your wife want to some day may want to try something also with a man or even a woman, are you per paired for that. Think this through. Talk it over with your wife and what she wants. good luck.

[kimdl93]

I would go no farther. Fantasy blends badly with reality and its not just your life that will be harmed.

[Staci K]

As stated in my original post "My wife knows of Nicole's desires and encourages Nicole to have a special friend knowing she doesn't have the right parts to satisfy Nicole."

She's so supportive, she even makes sure I have 'me' time with the house to myself.

My wife and I have discussed it very openly and honestly - there is not a doubt in my mind she's all for it... She knows Nicole has desires and she can't satisfy all the desires - it does cause frustrations. In our conversations she has told me, "Nicole needs to be satisfied too; you get grumpy and frustrated." "I can accept it and have no problem if you're bi and have a special friend - so long as that special friend is not another woman." She goes on to tell me, I don't have the right equipment, so go have fun." "If Nicole gets satisfied elsewhere, I'll have only my man and no longer have to try to satisfy her" She's even admitted that she'd like to sometime watch as a precurser to our fun later after Nicole and her 'boyfriend' leave. Yeah, I have it made as far as having a supporting spouse. So my only inhibitions are all within my own head.

How do you silence those voices in your head that tell you this is wrong on so many levels to relax and just roll with it?

[Kate Simmons]

Let me just put it this way Nicole. If I end up transitioning to be a woman or even just living as one 24/7, I expect I will be doing the things a woman does and what a woman looks forward to. Otherwise I figure there is not much point doing it. Wish you well.:)

[Tashee]

I Had this struggle. Unlucky or Lucky I was divorced. So~ Outta the blue I was placed in this situation. Yes, I gave in and went with it. I was SOOOOOOO Surprised on just how much I liked this. More sureal was My Male to female attraction also became greater. It was ?? How can I say it?? It was like I was free'd of olde hangups--Like it taught me I wasn't Hetro-Nor Homo-I was me. Yes Some say Bi...I rather think..NO just me...Good Luck--

[AllieSF]

You are an adult and have thoroughly discussed this with your wife and she accepts and encourages it. You are curious about what it is like. As long as you go about all this in a safe way, sexually and physically, then when you are ready, give it a try. Most people are not into open relationships, including me. However, I do understand that they exist and do work out for a lot of people, and at the same time do not work out for the vast majority. I think that you must first work through your own desires and then decide. However, you will never know what it is like, nor whether it is just a fantasy or another side of you that needs that kind of attention occasionally or more frequently unless you experiment. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Ann Louise]

I feel like I'm watching a new friend standing at the edge of a chasm preparing to jump to the ledge on the other side! I know that I'm bi-sexual, and am really comfortable with that, but I settled that a while back, and perhaps most importantly, while single. The allegory of "letting the genie out of the bottle" immediately comes to mind. Please be careful Nicole, you can't put the genie back in the bottle whenever you want to. Elfin

[Eryn]

Nicole, sometimes wanting is better than having. What you are proposing is a massive complication of your situation, one with many potential negative ramifications and only one positive one. Your wife may be on board, but she may be simply stretching her tolerance to accommodate you. That stretch may take her past the breaking point.

The fact that you're questioning your action here is enough for me to advise against it.

[Ariamythe]

That's a ... hmmm. I think that's something only you and your spouse can decide, and if you believe she's being sincere, and if this will genuinely make Nicole happy .... hmm.

If I'm being honest, I'd say don't do it if you value your marriage. You're introducing a volitile and dangerous element into the relationship. She says she's okay with it now, but there's no way to tell the long- term effects of it. Do it only if you're willing to accept the worst possible outcome.

[andrea lace]

i tried it about 14 years ago when i was being bullied at work suffering from depression and not knowing what or who i truly was.It was a mistake i wont be making again i tell you that if you want to be with a man then do it but give your wife the courtesy of a goodbye and start your life over with a man

[Foxglove]

I won't try to tell you what to do with your life, but if I were in your shoes, I'd think about it very, very carefully. And then think about it some more. And maybe your wife needs to think about it some more.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Staci K]

Thanks for the feedback everyone... Yeah I do somewhat feel like standing at the edge contemplating leaping. As far as my relationship with wife - we have 20+ years invested. We've hit spots before that we've had to spice things up some to keep it interesting. I'm 100% confident she speaks the truth when we've had our heart to hearts - that this may be the next round of spicing things up to keep things interesting.

I definitely have plenty to 'chew' on as I mull this over.

Nicole

[Angela Campbell]

How do you silence those voices in your head that tell you this is wrong on so many levels to relax and just roll with it?

Looks to me you have already made up your mind and are looking for acceptance. Don't automatically believe she will be as accepting after the fact as before the fact either. It doesn't always work out that way. You should be listening to those voices, they are there for a reason.

[famousunknown]

So I'm carrying on a dialog with this gentlemen, I really like him thus far and would like to meet him in person. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks.... What the heck are you doing?!?! You're a guy; you're married; you've gone plumb loco.


That's called 'common sense'. You really should listen to it.

[Mistybtm]

As stated in my original post "My wife knows of Nicole's desires and encourages Nicole to have a special friend knowing she doesn't have the right parts to satisfy Nicole."

She's so supportive, she even makes sure I have 'me' time with the house to myself.

My wife and I have discussed it very openly and honestly - there is not a doubt in my mind she's all for it... She knows Nicole has desires and she can't satisfy all the desires - it does cause frustrations. In our conversations she has told me, "Nicole needs to be satisfied too; you get grumpy and frustrated." "I can accept it and have no problem if you're bi and have a special friend - so long as that special friend is not another woman." She goes on to tell me, I don't have the right equipment, so go have fun." "If Nicole gets satisfied elsewhere, I'll have only my man and no longer have to try to satisfy her" She's even admitted that she'd like to sometime watch as a precursors to our fun later after Nicole and her 'boyfriend' leave. Yeah, I have it made as far as having a supporting spouse. So my only inhibitions are all within my own head.

How do you silence those voices in your head that tell you this is wrong on so many levels to relax and just roll with it?

There are items your wife and yourself can get to satisfy Nicole with have you discussed that possibility.

[Jessica Who]

I don't have struggles like these, but I would caution you to think very carefully about your decisions.

[AllyCDTV]

I've had fantasies like that too but for a lot of the reasons already mentioned, I've left them as fantasies. In addition to the danger to your relationship with your wife, you could also be adding STD's into the mix. Plus now you are adding another human being into the mix and you don't know who that person truly is, what they are capable of and what they may ultimately turn out to be. You could be getting yourself into a very dangerous situation.

[STACY B]

Maybe your in Denial ? An really want to become a total woman an be with a man for good an just don't want to hurt your wife in the process ?
Because as countless other have already said they would kill to be able to just dress or share this part of themselves with there SO .
Or maybe there is NO END ? Some people are just chaos junkies an are never satisfied ? They push an push till there's nothing left ?

( JUST SAYING ) ??/

[KellyJameson]

You are not nuts, that you can be sure of.

One thing to ask yourself is whether you will accept if your wife wants her own romantic encounter and if she does and than wants to be with this person instead of you.

Is your relationship already dead between the two of you?

Separate from that if you are a transsexual and have a "homosexual" relationship with a man you could cause yourself incredible emotional unhappiness because you will be trying to have sex as a woman before you have transitioned which will add to your dysphoria even while it reduces it through fantasy so you could end up increasing your obsession in the need to experience the "true self" while experiencing sex in the "body of a man" by using fantasy to cope with reality which can be dangerous when it concerns identity.

Sex will not "fix" identity but only leave you even more outside of experiencing "you" as identity.

If you are using sex to experience intimacy (love) as a woman because you identify as such than you have placed yourself in a very dangerous situation psychologically.

If you clearly identify as male than no problem because this will be sexual love between two men through sex so than the only concern is your relationship and your physical health.

I strongly urge you to be very clear about who you really are as "identity" before you try to live that identity through sex because you may experience the fantasy but your mind will be conflicted and you could go into depression afterwards when what you wanted "emotionally" is not experienced because of the body you reside in.

Sex,fantasy and identity are a deadly mixture.

[MsJanessa]

If you think your wife would be ok with it, and it sounds like she would be, then why the voices in your head telling you no? Is it an attack of conscience or do you think that she might be telling you what you want to hear---or could it be once you go down that road, you might not want to come back and your life would change? Anyway it sounds like you have some interesting choices to make

[Jodi Anne]

The only way you would really know is to go for it, but put safe guards in place incase at some point you want to stop short of going through. I know I am a really a **** and will catch hell from some on the board for it.
My wife of 30+years is the same as yours except I have "done the deed" with many times my wife joining me at times.

[Badtranny]

LOL

At your age you should know better than to ask a question like that to a group of people that are notoriously risk averse. If you wanna dance to the beat of your own drum than sack up and do it already. Introducing a 3rd party into your marriage is generally not a good idea, but your situation might be totally different. Your wife might really be into it, what the hell do I know?

The only advice I have to give is the same advice I give everyone in pretty much every situation; Go where your spirit takes you with no regrets. Life is short and I would much rather forget stuff I did, than regret stuff I didn't.

[Staci K]

Life is short and I would much rather forget stuff I did, than regret stuff I didn't.

LOL I really like that. Those could be words to live by.

Thanks for all the responses everyone. I'm certain my wife is not the root of my anxiety, but rather more of being a product of the 80's and living through the whole Rock Hudson thing and all the shame that came with playing with the same gender. It took a fairly long time to accept that I was a CD despite all my upbringing and everything drilled into my head when younger. Now with the thought of exploring this side of myself, it's more of a the only thing I have to fear is fear itself.

[Amanda M]

LOL I really like that. Those could be words to live by.

Now with the thought of exploring this side of myself, it's more of a the only thing I have to fear is fear itself.[/I]

It's not that simple. There are very serious risks for you and your wife here, as several of the folks have pointed out. What it boils down to is this - if you aee happy to accept the consequences, then go for it. However don't come back crying if it all goes wrong!

[Tara D. Rose]

LOL



Life is short and I would much rather forget stuff I did, than regret stuff I didn't.
But wouldn't we also would rather regret stuff we did do and wouldn't have to remember things we didn't do?

[AllieSF]

At my fair age, I regret not doing a lot of things. A lot of people talk about avoiding the bad experiences. I have found that those bad ones actually taught me the most, and those were experiences I don't regret having either. Live and learn. That is why I have embraced this other side of me when it reared its head (ugly or not) almost 7 years ago. And that is why I am having so much fun with no regrets about that either.

[Vickie_CDTV]

As a friend of mine once said, just because a wife says they are okay with something, doesn't always mean they are really okay with it. They may say it is okay because they want to be accommodating and make their husband happy, but they may not really be okay with it, and that can lead to all sorts of bitterness and problems down the road.

[Gaby2]

This is all a bit mind-boggling for simple-complicated me, Nicole...
I find myself out of breath.

Up to now, CDing in particular has enhanced your relationship to your SO.
Both of you are accepting, understanding people willing to accommodate their partner's wishes and needs.
More power to you!

The future has always belonged to those who dare...
Hopefully you will continue to make the right decisions...
It doesn't matter what we do though... I've learned that it's important to take small steps over time, especially when making decisions involving others.

Now, I've got my breath back:)
All the best,
:hugs:Gaby

[ElleduSud]

Open relationships work fine for some people. If the two of you genuinely agree to it, you won't know unless you try it.

http://www.alternet.org/how-open-relationships-can-make-people-happy

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201212/are-monogamous-relationships-really-better

[kittypw GG]

[/I]

It's not that simple. There are very serious risks for you and your wife here, as several of the folks have pointed out. What it boils down to is this - if you aee happy to accept the consequences, then go for it. However don't come back crying if it all goes wrong!

I totally agree. I would make quite sure that your wife knows in detail of your intentions. From what you have said it is not clear that she really understands what you want to do. I'm curious though, do you consider yourself straight, gay or bi-sexual???

[Ninotchka]

If your wife loves you enough to give you such freedom, love her enough not to use it.
If you use it and like it, where will it stop? It IS a form of adultery, you know.

[CassandraSmith]

:eek:

I've had a long time desire when dressing to explore a relationship as Nicole. Someone that I can 'date' to be able to snuggle up to on the couch while watching a movie. To be held and feel his strong embrace. And eventually when relaxed with him, be his woman in the bedroom.

With 2013, I've started moving forward with the mindset that I'm not getting any younger, this has been a life-long thing, and I've got to explore it. You only live once, right?

So I've started a conversation with a gentleman online. Turns out he lives only a couple miles away. He fully knows I'm a CD, he knows that I tend to cycle between pink & blue fogs, and respects that in the blue fog, I have a life that includes a wife and a kid. Thus far I really like him - he's kind, courteous, and quite the gentleman. My wife knows of Nicole's desires and encourages Nicole to have a special friend knowing she doesn't have the right parts to satisfy Nicole.

So I'm carrying on a dialog with this gentlemen, I really like him thus far and would like to meet him in person. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks.... :eek: What the heck are you doing?!?! You're a guy; you're married; you've gone plumb loco.

Anyone else have these struggles? If so are you over your insecurities? What worked to put your mind at ease?

Thanks for your input...

Nicole

You can explore this sort of thing safely with a dominatrix. Had you already considered anything like that? If interested, I can send you a link to the blog entry mine did on me; however, it gets a little risque in one spot. Apparently, it was an epic session for her though it took me a year or so to really realize how profound it was for both of us.

[StarrOfDelite]

Can I assume that you have purchased a dildo and experimented with it, and already have a very good idea that you will enjoy having sex with a man as Nicole? The questions which I would raise are these? What if you discover that you are more trans than bi? Are you prepared for a possible scenario where having a relationship as a woman with the special friend (or his successors) is more important than your relationship with your wife? Is your wife prepared for such a possibility? The suggestions that you are fooling around at the edge of a long, slippery slope are correct. Enjoying the attentions of a man can be psychologically and physically addictive. I'm not saying don't do it, merely make sure you have your mind wrapped around the concept rather than vice versa.