How do you stop psychoanalyzing yourself?

[Ariamythe]

Hey all. I've been trying not to crisis all over the forums again, but I really need some advice. How do you stop psychoanalyzing yourself once you come out? I've been stuck in overanalysis mode for two days now, and it's really becoming a distraction. I can't concentrate on my work, I'm grumpy at home ... I just want it to settle down a bit. And then I thought I'd try and purge a bit by blogging today, but as you can see, that didn't help much (http://ariamythe.wordpress.com/2013/01/09/where-did-it-all-begin/).

Anyway, advice appreciated. I know seeing a therapist is probably an option at this point, but I don't know how to do it without the SO finding out ...

[outhiking]

My experience has been that it's like a wave and is overwhelming at first. Give it a few more days and it will settle down. Most of us still analyze ourselves, but the full-time nature of that analysis should ease up soon.

[Kate Simmons]

When I first freed up my feelings, it was like trying to drink from a fire hydrant. Try to be patient Hon, it takes sometimes a long time to process all of this stuff. :)

[Karren H]

Guess I've always taken everything at face value without questioning why or how.... Maybe its the analytical engineer talking because after I accept something as being true..... like I crossdress..... I don't have to go back and rederiive or ponder why I reached that solution.... it is what it is and its not going away so who cares why..... accept it and move on with your life.....

[AllieSF]

It seems that you have a lot on your plate, accepting yourself for who and what you are, an unknowing wife causing dissension in your brain as you deal with to tell her or not, where are you going, and whatever else is there. Being an engineer (by education only) and having some of my Mom's pragmaticism rub off on me, I look at a lot of situations as Karren does. But, that doesn't work for everyone. I agree with your own thoughts, that therapy could help out. Another way is to try to determine what are your prime concerns right now which you believe may be impacting you and your thoughts and emotions. Maybe trying to deal with only one issue at a time will start to bring clarity and comfort to your situation and allow you to then try to deal with the next issue. Sometimes we overload ourselves and then can't do anything. Good luck.

[Karren H]

. Being an engineer (by education only) and having some of my Mom's pragmaticism rub off on me, I look at a lot of situations as Karren does. .

You learnt that in Doc Berry's CH101 chem class too?

[Foxglove]

Hi, Aria! I'm like you. I tend to do a lot of self-analysis, too much of it I think. However, I think most people do far too little of it. I think it's very valuable to understand yourself and your feelings, understand why you do the things you do, try to decide what sort of person you are and how you can make improvements.

There are two types of self-analysis that I think are particularly unhelpful and in which people commonly engage: when they want to condemn themselves and when they want to flatter themselves. Both types are quite dishonest. It's as easy to be dishonest about yourself as it is about others, and you're wasting your time when you're in that mode.

There's another way in which people commonly go astray, I think: when they're trying to complicate things too much. I find that self-analysis is most helpful when things are kept simple. I think your motives for what you do are generally simple enough. I might ask myself why I did something I did. The answer rarely comes to me straightaway. It might be the next day or the next week or the next month, but when it does come to me, I inevitably find it's something very simple. It might be indicative of some very deep feelings, perhaps some very deep and long-time problem, but the act itself and its motives are quite simple.

But people often like to complicate things. It's another form of flattery. "See how complex a person I am!" Nietzsche said something like, "There are people who like to muddy their waters in order to seem profound."

I find self-analysis most profitable when it's honest, when you genuinely want to understand yourself. If that's what you're into, ask your question honestly and then relax. You won't get anywhere if you're all het up about things. You can analyze feelings, but you need to do it in a detached way. If you get your feelings involved in your feelings, you won't get anywhere.

Anyway, that's how I try to go about it. I don't always succeed. But over the years I have on occasion had those little bursts of enlightenment.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Stephanie47]

Aria, I'm twice your age. In my teens I really questioned my masculinity because I was doing something that boys should not be doing. I did not understand myself. I was confused. Here's a horny guy, like any other horny guy wearing his mother's clothing. I must be a "queer" or a "faggot." (Excuse me moderator, that's the terminology of the 1960's. Gay was still a term used for happiness.) How could this be? That self loathing lasted into my early twenties when I realized I was that horny guy doing all kinds of acceptable masculine things.

I did not have to hide my interest in wearing women's clothing from my wife. We explored somewhat in the bedroom. Then,both of us discovered the true meaning of cross dressing and my continuing development in it. No sudden revelations to tip the row boat over.

The questioning of my masculinity stopped, because, I realized I was a masculine being having this little feminine quirk. I figured out I was not doing anything illegal or wrong. I did acknowledge society thought it was wrong. I did realize my wife was not accepting and I have not pushed it into her life. Yes, it is DADT. My wife know who I am. I know who I am.

Since joining this forum, I have read the thoughts of others. I have read their pain. I have read their turmoil. I still reflect, and, I use the term reflect, "What the heck turned me into cross dressing????" For the life of me, I really have absolutely no idea. I'm sure if I ran off to the shrink's couch, some will condemn me and some will say all kinds of bullshit. "You hate your father!" "You love your mother!" "Are you sure you didn't have a wicked aunt who dressed you up as a girl for punishment?"

Once you accept yourself all that self loathing will disappear. But, you'll still have to deal with a society and loved ones who just cannot understand or won't try to understand you.

If you're going to lay on a couch and seek counsel try to figure out why you're going in the first place. Are you there to get rid of self loathing? Or, are you there trying to figure out how to cope with other people's problems of non acceptance?

[DanaR]

Guess I've always taken everything at face value without questioning why or how.... Maybe its the analytical engineer talking because after I accept something as being true..... like I crossdress..... I don't have to go back and rederiive or ponder why I reached that solution.... it is what it is and its not going away so who cares why..... accept it and move on with your life.....
I'm with Karren this too. You can waste a lot of time thinking about this and to what end? It happen and now go out shopping for something cute to wear.

[Laura912]

Little confused by your post. Does your wife know of your interest in CDing? If no, then that might be the next step once you reach a calmer spot. If yes and she is supportive, then why would she not be supportive of some short term therapy to help you, and probably her, deal with it. After all, this is affecting both of you especially if you are a little grumpy at home as you say. Much better than a cold shower....:D

[Barbara Ella]

You will be best served by letting a professional talk to you. talking to yourself accomplished little other than (at least if I try it) to confuse the issue. Introspection is one thing, but trying to get a serious understanding is totally different. I must agree with Karren, as a Civil Engineer I deal with the dirt, water, steel, and the oneness of a project completed. Once accepted, it is, and will be for ever. My problems come when the equations for my life contain more unknown variables than known. that is when assumptions must be made, and that is were we get into the deepest trouble, making assumptions about who, what, why we are.

Don't go looking for those variables by yourself. You would not build a building or a mine by yourself, get a professional.

Barbara

[mikiSJ]

Aria

I feel comfortable with who I am but I had a personal issue that been an elephant on my soul for over 50 years (think Sandsusky). The burden was getting to a head with all of the similar news reports and it was driving me crazy; should I tell someone, do I open myself up to ridicule, did it "cause" my crossdressing?

I finally knew I had to let someone know about my pain and it all came out one night last November in a letter to my wife. I immediately felt better, no more elephant. But it nearly devastated my wife, who was blind sided and had no tools on how to handle what I just dropped on her. She called it a bomb, and it truly was.

While it was something I had to do to simply let me get on with my life, it was totally, TOTALLY, unfair to my wife to dump this on her in the space of a couple of minutes.

The point I am trying to make here (finally!) is that the longer it swirls in you head the harder it will be to do a safe landing. You need to figure out how to release the demons, whatever they are. Find a friend or relative you trust, or a therapist, or if you are religious maybe a pastor, priest or rabbi. Start to let the pressure level off. Your doubts may never go away or you may never reconcile the issues you have, but you will understand how to handle the doubts, the issues so they don't become so big a problem that the pressure is relieved in a manner you don't want, that is out of control.

I am sitting here writing this post with tears in my eyes and an unbelievable rage remembering what happened to me 50 years ago, but now I know I can talk over my fears and embarrassment with my wife, and she will not judge me. You need to find that person you can open your soul to, safely.

If you decide to see a therapist, your SO never needs to know about. There are folks here who can give you advice on how to find that therapist and do in secretly.

(PS - sorry for my rant but I have come to use writing about my issues as a cathartic!)

[CassandraSmith]

One quick way is to take all that energy you're spending thinking about it and channel it into something more productive. Can you volunteer at an animal shelter, or help old people fold clothes, clean their house, or anything like that?

BTW, I can answer your basic question very simply... the world is a broken place and we are all burdened with many faults and quirks that have come down through our parents and their parents. Know that there was someone in your family tree that also had the same issues and problems as you do. That's how it rolls through. What's really ironic is that your biggest issues are probably not your gender related questions. "Finding your root" can become a waste of time after a while.

[kimdl93]

It certainly takes time. In my view each of us must, through whatever internal processes, reach a point where we realize that although we are certainly not the average person of our birth gender, we are not abnormal, defective, deluded, nor mentally I'll. it's not a crime to be a CDr or be transgendered, however one chooses to define it. It's just who we are and that's entirely OK.

[Angela Campbell]

For me it is like wondering why I have blue eyes.....it just is. I do not worry about why I am this way I just am. I have been like this since birth and it took me a long time to finally admit it to myself.

[sharonlb]

I don't know how much time you spend with other people, but when I start to psychoanalyze everything it helps me to spend time with others. I talk about subjects other than the one that is obsessing me at the moment. It acts like a distraction for my distraction.

[Tracii G]

I gave up wondering why once I found this site it gave me most all the answers I was looking for.
I read a ton of posts and online research as well and came to the conclusion I'm TG plain and simple.
The hows and whys are secondary.
I live in the moment and try to forget about the past as best I can.

[busker]

For me it is like wondering why I have blue eyes.....it just is. I do not worry about why I am this way I just am. I have been like this since birth and it took me a long time to finally admit it to myself.
and the answer is:

People with blue eyes have a single, common ancestor, according to new research.

A team of scientists has tracked down a genetic mutation that leads to blue eyes. The mutation occurred between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago. Before then, there were no blue eyes.

"Originally, we all had brown eyes," said Hans Eiberg from the Department of Cellular and Molecular Medicine at the University of Copenhagen.

The mutation affected the so-called OCA2 gene, which is involved in the production of melanin, the pigment that gives color to our hair, eyes and skin.

"A genetic mutation affecting the OCA2 gene in our chromosomes resulted in the creation of a 'switch,' which literally 'turned off' the ability to produce brown eyes," Eiberg said.

The genetic switch is located in the gene adjacent to OCA2 and rather than completely turning off the gene, the switch limits its action, which reduces the production of melanin in the iris. In effect, the turned-down switch diluted brown eyes to blue.
Reese Witherspoon, author, Associated Press article in NYT.

[Ariamythe]

Thank you, everyone. I feel like an idiot now for posting, but your replies are all thoughtful and appreciated.

[Ariamythe]

Little confused by your post. Does your wife know of your interest in CDing?
No. I only let myself admit it to myself recently. Still haven't said anything to her.

[Ariamythe]

My experience has been that it's like a wave and is overwhelming at first.


When I first freed up my feelings, it was like trying to drink from a fire hydrant.
Two water metaphors in a row. That's about right. Reminds me of a poem I like:

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.

[Rhonda Darling]

Aria:

Take a deep breath. Repeat.

Now, without thinking about yourself, go through the wonderfully informative threads here, at random, and read the stories of the girls who are like you. And believe me, 99-44/100% of us are like you. You'll notice that all of your thoughts, fears, self loathing, self love, desires, phobias, paranoia, etc., etc., etc., etc. are shared by this group. Open yourself up. Live your life. Living means just being in the moment, enjoying the ups and downs, exploring new beginnings, dealing with the deaths of family, friends, and former ideas of ourselves. It's not easy being cd/tg/ts and so on, but it can sure be fun. You are in control of you, so you must decide to embrace who you are and not needlessly worry about the why.

IMHO, don't overthink it, just enjoy it.

Best,

Rhonda

[Raquel June]

If you're inclined to over-analyze yourself (and everything else) like I am, I don't think that's something you can really stop doing. But at a certain point it becomes just a fancy way of feeling sorry for yourself, and that's a waste of time and makes you miserable.

You just have to realize what you're doing. Some self-analysis is good, but a lot of times you're not really accomplishing anything. And sometimes you can convince yourself ridiculous things and go in the wrong direction. What's wrong with you? Is it something you can fix? If not, then it's something you need to accept and deal with and make decisions that will take you in a positive direction keeping in mind what you know about yourself.

A good therapist can be very helpful just because it gives you some perspective on when you're obsessing over irrelevant things and ignoring real problems.

[docrobbysherry]

Doc Sherry is IN, Aria. Only your first session is free, tho.

The reason u r spending all this time psyching yourself is because u NEED TO! U have some heavy decisions to make. And, as long as u spend time thinking about them, u won't have to do anything!

And, anyone who describes themselves as "out" but that their "SO doesn't know they dress" has a lot of work ahead of them!

[Jenniferathome]

First, don't start. You are what you are. There is nothing wrong with being a cross dresser. That stated, it is the best feeling in the world to open up to your wife,

[Cheryl T]

If you've come out then you most likely have accepted this part of yourself.
If that's the case then stop thinking about it and enjoy it. Be happy that you've resolved an issue that so many fight with for many years. I know I am in that happy place now that I've come out (8 years ago). No more guilt and shame, just the joy that I can be who I am without regret.

[Foxglove]

Aria, you'll have noticed that a number of people on this thread have advised you not to think about these things. When people tell me that, "Don't think about it," it always makes me mad.

Why? Because everybody on this forum agrees that we need to be ourselves, we need to be what we are. Well, that's one thing I am: I'm the sort, I like to think about myself, to try and understand myself--mainly because there are certain things about me that I don't like, and I'd like to know where they come from. So when people tell me, "Don't think about these things," they're telling me not to be myself.

It's everybody's choice: you're the introspective type or you're not. If you are, there's nothing wrong that. But as I've learned myself, there are profitable and unprofitable ways of thinking, and it's certainly good to be able to distinguish between the two. Look at Raquel's post:


If you're inclined to over-analyze yourself (and everything else) like I am, I don't think that's something you can really stop doing. But at a certain point it becomes just a fancy way of feeling sorry for yourself, and that's a waste of time and makes you miserable.

You just have to realize what you're doing. Some self-analysis is good, but a lot of times you're not really accomplishing anything. And sometimes you can convince yourself ridiculous things and go in the wrong direction.

I think everything here is spot on. So if you're the introspective sort, go for it. For your own sake, though, it would help to learn how to go about it properly.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Ariamythe]

But people often like to complicate things. It's another form of flattery. "See how complex a person I am!" Nietzsche said something like, "There are people who like to muddy their waters in order to seem profound."
I se where you're coming from. I don't think this is me. I just am one of those people who wants to understand where things come from. I want to know whether these feelings are legitimate, or whether they're just the remnants of a lonely fat kid who didn't get along with other boys and who got confused when his fat started moving into his chest. :(

[Ariamythe]

If you're going to lay on a couch and seek counsel try to figure out why you're going in the first place. Are you there to get rid of self loathing? Or, are you there trying to figure out how to cope with other people's problems of non acceptance?
I've been playing out conversations with a therapist in my head -- How will I phrase it? How will he react? -- and I think the answer might be that I just want to be able to tell someone who's in the room with me. Someone who knows who I am. I thought coming on the Internet and letting myself "be" would be helpful, and it has, but there's still not a soul in the world who knows both me and him-me. Which means I'm just in the closet in a different way. If I could tell someone, then someone would know. Does that make sense?

And a therapist can't tell anyone, so that's something. ;)

[Foxglove]

I se where you're coming from. I don't think this is me. I just am one of those people who wants to understand where things come from. I want to know whether these feelings are legitimate, or whether they're just the remnants of a lonely fat kid who didn't get along with other boys and who got confused when his fat started moving into his chest. :(

Now, Aria, I didn't say this was you. I said it was some people. Believe me, I totally sympathize with you in your efforts to understand yourself. One reason I've never gone to a shrink is that I figured nobody could understand me.

[Ressie]

I've read quite a few self help books throughout my life. Finding the right book that makes sense can be enlightening. One message I've found is to forgive yourself as well as forgiving others. Also live for the moment, be here now. Thinking about the past brings on guilt, and thinking about the future causes worry. The present is the only thing you really have.

But I do think about my past to try to understand if I was influenced by others to be a crossdresser or if it's just me. My conclusion today is it's just me and I know I'll be much happier if I accept it.

[sometimes_miss]

I never stop; I keep looking for new insights into who and what we are, and why. For me, the whole 'I was born this way' concept doesn't fit me at all, and I'd wager that it probably doesn't fit a lot of others, either. But trying to figure out exactly what influenced us to be what we are, well, that can be a lifetime project. Took me decades to figure out what I know now, and I certainly don't know everything yet.

[lynnmcarthur]

My own journey involves a lifelong attempt to understand. I am diagnosed, eligible for transition but staying where I am. Acceptance and not feeling like I need to defend who I am was a big step forward. In some ways it is like the engineers said above. Here we are, no need to feel guilty or ashamed so what is problem?

[Ariamythe]

Now, Aria, I didn't say this was you.

Sorry. Got my forward defensive shields at full power, I guess. :eek:

[Ariamythe]

I've read quite a few self help books throughout my life. Finding the right book that makes sense can be enlightening.
I generally loathe self-help books. They always sound so pretentious and know-it-all. And usually spiritual, which doesn't do anything for me.


One message I've found is to forgive yourself as well as forgiving others. Also live for the moment, be here now. Thinking about the past brings on guilt, and thinking about the future causes worry. The present is the only thing you really have.
Thanks. It's good advice. I'll have to try.

[Beverley Sims]

After reading the posts here I have decided to give up and find another interest.

[Frédérique]

How do you stop psychoanalyzing yourself once you come out?

You could try transcendental meditation, but the prefix trans- might set you off again… :doh:

[Ariamythe]

You could try transcendental meditation, but the prefix trans- might set you off again… :doh:
:raisedeyebrow:

[CassandraSmith]

Ariamythe,

I just wanted you to know that this ability over-think when channeled can be a good thing. If you're in IT as a software developer like I was, you can make a pretty good living. What I found interesting when I went back to school in 2003 to pursue a masters in counseling was that this type of analyzing has almost no place in the therapy setting. Ironic isn't it?

Cassy

[Cassandra Lynn]

I began my cyber education roughly 3 years ago, and even tho i have pretty much found myself it's always nice to stay in the loop.

This 'thing' is a progression, a journey if you will, and to go back to the water metaphors it ebbs and flows, so yeah, you'll keep right on learning. As you've noted already, you were just going thru a rough stretch, give it time, relax and soak it all up.

I think the biggest share of the long term membership here (and other forums are just the same) come around for the fellowship and giving back.

I go thru times where if i think if i see one more panty thread or first time shaving thread, i'm gonna go round the bend, but it passes.

I sometimes read thru the endless, dead-horse 'what am i?' threads now and just enjoy the spirited debate more so then learning anything new, but it is what it is i spose.
I learn more nowadays when i follow some of the trans-activist/sociologist bloggers. There are some actual highly educated trans people out there in cyber space who really know a thing or two.

[Ariamythe]

.
I learn more nowadays when i follow some of the trans-activist/sociologist bloggers. There are some actual highly educated trans people out there in cyber space who really know a thing or two.
I've been looking for such sites. Who would you recommend?