View Full Version : Damn Shoe Salesman . . .
Anne2345
01-11-2013, 11:24 PM
Today my sister and I went shopping together at many different establishments.
Towards the end of the evening, we visited a DSW show warehouse.
It was a two story deal - women's shoes and accessories on the first floor, and men's on the second floor.
As my sister did her thing, I was in a total zone looking at women's riding boots. I am a total boot &$^%!
Anyways, I was completely in my own world, and completely oblivious to the outside world when I heard the question from a male store associate - "Are you finding everything sir?"
He was seemingly nice enough, so I responded neutrally, but with a happy tone - "yes I am."
His response, however, took my aback and placed a solid knot in my stomach. He thereafer stated, "well, you know, sir, that men's shoes and boots are on the second floor."
Weakly, I responded that I was aware of that. But then, inexplicably, I added I was here with my sister looking.
I immediately regretted saying that. I mean, I neither owe him nor anyone else an explanation. When he informed me that male shoes were available uptairs, I should have just left my statement as that I was aware of that.
I owed him nothing. I owed him no explanation. Worse, although true I was there with my sister, I used her as a crutch. I ****** up. I hate that. I am embarrased by myself, because I know I have come soooooo much further than this!!!
It was a weak moment for sure. I should have stood up for myself and done the right thing. Thankfully, I did not puss out during other aspects of my shopping experience today, and I have the encouragement of my wonderful sister to thank for that!!! She truly is amazing, and truly is wonderful . . . .
Marleena
01-11-2013, 11:44 PM
Anne, truth be told I'd do the same I'm sure.:) You see anytime I go into the women's department I'm like a kid in a candy store and zone out. I'm sure people know my deal just by looking at me. You zoned out and he caught you off guard. It'll get easier to own it as you go along.
Alisa
01-11-2013, 11:56 PM
I was in a total zone looking at women's riding boots. I am a total boot &$^%!
So... did you hook up with some great boots?
Nicole Erin
01-12-2013, 12:07 AM
Were you in femme mode or maybe present like that day to day? I mean like live as a woman.
I am guessing you are TS. If you have the voice down it helps too.
You should have responded with, "Yes, ma'am".
Just try not to forget that there are some stupid people out there.
I know sometimes when I am femme'd up totally and some idiot wants to call me "sir" I always think, "christ dude are you f'in stupid?" I mean whether we "pass" or not isn't the point here. Most people who want to be called "he" don't present as a woman.
Anne, you're fine. This won't be the first time you get flustered or the last time! It's part of life and believe it or not this will become a fond memory for you! :)
I love DSW. I was in the huge one in Topanga on Wednesday with my wife. Naturally, I was going through the size 11 clearance racks while my wife was down with the wee folk in size 6-1/2. I tried on a pair of Chinese Laundry over the knee 5" wedge boots. They looked great, and I wanted to show my wife so I set off to find her. My wife had wandered away from her end of the clearance racks, so I ended up walking across the store, the length of the store, and back along the diagonal before I found her. On the trip I managed to get two compliments on the boots, one from a salesperson and one from a customer! I must have looked pretty statuesque at 6'7 or so!
I liked the boots, but I didn't buy them because I don't need five inches of heel. I did find another pair that only have a 1-3/4" wedge but are built to look like the wedge is higher, kind of a reverse elevator shoe effect. Those fit perfectly and came home with me! :)
Anne2345
01-12-2013, 12:15 AM
Oh, yeah, it was a very successful shopping trip!! Without adding the clothes, here are the easy accessories . . . . :D
mean whether we "pass" or not isn't the point here. Most people who want to be called "he" don't present as a woman.
Truer words could not have been spoken . . . .
Although I was not presenting as female at the time, it was pretty damn clear I was checking out chick boots. I mean, it's not like dude could have thought - "Omg - he is mistaking chick boots for dude boots, so I need to advise him that dude shoes and boots are upstairs!"
Sigh. He was nice about it, though.
Barbara Ella
01-12-2013, 12:58 AM
I can see where the fog of being around all those shoes was affecting you, and your faculties were not at their peak. (my story, and i will stick with it...). maybe not an example of not being taken seriously, but maybe a good example of someone who is totally clueless about us. Don't know their SA training/policies regarding transgender shoppers, but you would think they would be made aware.
Blame the hormones.
Barbara
Anne, I think that you're reading too much into the salesperson's reaction. He saw a man looking at women's boots and helpfully directed you to a place where *most* men are more likely to spend money. I doubt that your gender orientation came into his thoughts at all.
On a lighter note, this is what I bought on Wednesday. See any similarity? :)
Diversity
01-12-2013, 02:12 AM
Hi Anne,
You are right in what you say about how you reacted, but I wouldn't worry about it and just let it go. You did not do anything wrong and so what if you were looking at women's boots? You could have let him know you are helping your sister look for a gift for your other sister, or numerous other reasons. Perhaps he was just trying to be helpful and you were on the defensive? Not being there, it is hard to tell from my perspective. Anyways, I am glad your day finished successfully.
Di
Chickhe
01-12-2013, 02:29 AM
Had that happen before at a thrift store... I think they are just trying to tell you there is another part of the store to check out...but they are not socially skilled. I just think it stupid for a sales person to make any assumption...they should just be there to help you with what you ask for.
stefan37
01-12-2013, 07:59 AM
Seriously what does it mean when you say this is how we are not taken serious mean. You were shopping with your sister and in male or androgenous mode. The correct response from you would have been to say thank you sir but I am shopping for myself. At that point his prejudice or lack thereof would have surfaced. More than likely he would have been more than helpful directing you to styles and sizes for you. you need to develop the self confidence to be able to interact with people daily if you hope to be successful in your transition without getting freaked out when they do not respond as you would like them to. Maybe go out fully dressed in another town or whatever but try to look like a man in dress and deal with the comments you get. That would 1. Give you the ability to develop self confidence when you receive comments not directed towards your target gender and 2. Make you more comfortable interacting with people. Trust me if you have the self confidence to interact with someone and they call you derogatory names or just stay silent but laugh in your face while they walk around checking you out, You will have a much less anxious transition.
kimdl93
01-12-2013, 09:12 AM
Don't sweat it. You didn't give up anything. You have no obligation to be forthright with a sales associate and would have gained nothing from it.
melissaK
01-12-2013, 09:31 AM
Crazy. Moments of self doubt, vestiges of shame, desire to be accepted. Not quite Peter thrice denying Jesus, but I see why you were unsettled by it.
Word choice is so often driven by our sub conscious, and our word choices reveal what's going on underneath. Those Freudian slips as it were. Sweetie you have some homework to do.
As you know I'm not out, but since September I have made an effort to stop censoring myself and to make my responses to people I encounter be responses made as "I" , 'Lissa. Responses made with a tone, word choice and subject choice that "I" want. That uncensored me speaks from a point closer to the female side of the universe, not the male side of the universe.
People are natural mimics, we copy the voice, the accent, the behaviors, of others around us, particularly if we want acceptance from them. It's theorized its a survival adaptation. And I am aware of when I mimic, and when I drop into a "role" to obtain acceptance from the group or person I am dealing with. I was a kid who faced a new school every year of my life and my adaptation skills to quickly win acceptance might be more advanced from the experiences, I'm not entirely sure. But I know I am a better than average mimic. I pick up accents and colloquial grammar at warp speed. It's a tool I have shamelessly used as an attorney. And, I am aware when I mimic for male gender based acceptance. I have quit doing that. I want to be taken as "me" and I think "me" is pretty female, and I hope that's how it comes across.
I have always been more "me" around close friends and family who I already have won acceptance from, and I know "I" come across as more female. I'm not exactly sure when it happened but one day I realized my cop buddies started treating me like their kid sister, not one of them. And my brother in law once answered an argument with his wife who used me as an example of how some guys are sensitive and supportive and who he should copy by saying "but he IS a girl." But enough of my examples.
So, going back to DSW, let's practice the right response to the clerk:
CLERK SAYS: "Are you finding everything sir?"
ANNE SAYS: "Oh, thank you sweetie [big warm smile, everyone wants approval and the thank you gives him yours]
But his assessment of us is wrong and we need to correct it without threatening him. We want him to judge us as a girl not a male, so we need to do it as a girl would.
Step slightly toward him, slightly into what a guy would consider his personal space, lower your shoulders and hands, extend a hand and lightly touch it on his forearm or upper arm.
ANNE THEN SAYS: "but I'm shopping for me." [we've corrected him.]
But its a pivotal point in our encounter, we need to close the deal our way, not give him time to process and hide behind his fear based defenses.
Guys like to help, to have their male ego appealed to. They bond with those they have helped, so let's win him over to us that way.
ANNE SAYS: "Do these come in 10 1/2 wide? [still smile, but with a slightly quizzical, slightly helpless look]"
. . . .
morgan51
01-12-2013, 09:37 AM
Anne, it just takes time to become comfortable in your own skin I'm constantly bombarded with "sirs" It makes the mams precious. I'm learning to let the comments roll off but its been slow comming the satisfaction of patient steady progress is fulfilling. I'm looking a little better these days with my presentation but I still have a male face and must be able to deal for now.Good luck to you!
MsRenee
01-12-2013, 11:39 AM
If they work on commision there,I would have found another S/A and made their day by buying several pairs and juat look at him and say to him next time maybe you outta be nicer and next time maybe youll get my business. lol
Renee
Pamela Kay
01-12-2013, 02:55 PM
It just takes time Anne but you will get bolder and more confident. It took me three trips to Walmart to get enough courage to by a 3 pack of Hanes panties. lol I was there yesterday and felt a little out of place looking at bra's so I just stayed and browsed for a while to overcome my own apprehension. If your going to be a woman you will have to shop in the womens dept. One thing that made it easier for me was shopping with a GG. I didn't seem to get nearly as many second looks for some reason so see if your sister will go shopping with you as Anne, I think you said she's been out with you before dressed. It's always easier if your not alone and a whole lot more fun.
On a second note, a little warning. Your boots look great and very much like a brown pair I bought a few weeks back. Just watch out for those little buckles at the top on the sides. You can't really cross your legs with them on. I wore mine to work one day and had caught myself catching that little buckle on my hose a few times. Sure enough I forgot again and poked a hole in them and drew a little blood when I uncrosed my legs. If you notice Eryn's don't have that. I still like them but I just have to remember to not cross my legs with them on. I also carry a spare set of hose in my purse now too.
Just another one of those little "girl things" you learn the hard way sometimes.
Anne, I think that you're reading too much into the salesperson's reaction.
You did not do anything wrong
Crazy. Moments of self doubt, vestiges of shame, desire to be accepted. Not quite Peter thrice denying Jesus, but I see why you were unsettled by it.
It's not doubt and has nothing to do with the salesman or being right or wrong.
Anne's frustration is with herself because she wants to be and is not. The frustration and pressure will build until Anne is Anne.
EmilyLynn28
01-17-2013, 08:23 PM
It took me a while to get over my fears. Now, I will just say I'm looking for me!
Marleena
01-17-2013, 09:54 PM
It's okay because next time Anne will ask him for a shoe fitting (womens) and show off her pretty toenails while batting her eyelashes at him.:D
Traci Elizabeth
01-18-2013, 10:29 AM
Well how can you be taken seriously as a woman if you are presenting in man mode? Salespeople can't read your mind but only read your physical appearance. Let's see - guy wearing men's clothing - yep that's a guy.
Marleena
01-18-2013, 10:39 AM
Well how can you be taken seriously as a woman if you are presenting in man mode? Salespeople can't read your mind but only read your physical appearance. Let's see - guy wearing men's clothing - yep that's a guy.
I think you missed the point.. Anne is early preop and was in guy mode. The salesman was being a jerk saying you don't belong in this section.
Beverley Sims
01-18-2013, 11:19 AM
Anne, you were totally engrossed in your own world and the salesman did say what he thought was helpful.
I have had it happen to me, I am not transitioning so I have no issues with being directed to the correct? department.
Being in a bit of a fog you aren't the first to take offense to remarks of this sort.
Yes, blame it on the hormones as they do assist your mindset and make you over sensitive.
Until you have progressed a little more take a deep breath and one day this won't happen any more.
All the best,
Beverley.
KellyJameson
01-18-2013, 07:55 PM
DSW is my favorite place to buy shoes. Sign up so you earn ten dollar off coupons if you end up buying from them regularly.
It hurts to not be seen so addressed for the person you know yourself to be when you work so hard to find and finally embrace the truth.
Being female comes with a price. Words hurt more!
If I was going to create a test to determine if someone was TS it would include a section on the relationship between feelings and words.
Women have a completely different relationship to language than men because the brain is organized differently.
It is so natural that you want to protect yourself from being hurt this way. I will never develop a thick skin because it is impossible to change my brain into what it is not.
Words have and always will hurt even if I "act" like they don't. It is impossible to escape this fact.
Please do not be to hard on yourself for having "feelings" that can be hurt and being "fearful" of being hurt or acting "fearful" so than being filled with "shame"
I mean after all you are a woman. Do you think we are emotional for no reason?
Your brain is not and has never been "male" even if you were able to use your body like one.
Life is crazy scary when you are in the wrong body.
Seeing the truth of you will not change the "emotions" of you so how you "feel" but what will change is how you "feel" about "feeling" where you will slowly stop resisting the experience and start actively embracing and searching for it because this is where connectivity comes from.
You will need to practice more and more "self forgiveness" otherwise you will torment yourself needlessly.
You cannot survive being TS without huge amounts of "self love" self nurturing" self acceptance" which means letting go of shame,revulsion,disgust, self critical,self judgement,ect..
F...k people, live your life for you. This will not stop people from being able to hurt you but it will make it easier to survive.
You keep your emotions, feelings, sensitivity, connectivity but the F.. People protects your identity which is the truth of you.
Do not let others define you through their behavior when their behavior is not a reflection of who you truly are. You know the truth of "you" and they do not and probably never will.
mikiSJ
01-18-2013, 10:07 PM
Not very smart of a shoe salesman that lives on commission to embarrass a customer - twice. Once assuming you weren't looking a woman's shoes and two, that you were lost. (Well, actually you were lost, but he didn't know that, did he!)
SandraAbsent
01-19-2013, 12:54 AM
Maybe I'm just a *&^%$, but I refuse to responde to being mis-gendered. I ignore them til they get it right or go away.
jennifer24
01-19-2013, 10:18 AM
The same thing kinda happaned to me at a goodwill store the other week, I was looking at the womens jeans and a worker came up to me and said the mens jeans are over there, I just said I know. It does take awhile to overcome these situations and just be truthfull and up front when someone makes these kind of comments, sometimes when you just be up front with an associate it makes them just take a step back or some want to help you even more. I was in the same store several months ago and brought a skirt and the cashier said is that for you? I politely said yes and she said oh, that will look good on you.
Genifer Teal
02-05-2013, 01:03 AM
I believe men have an internal defense mechanism which forces them to proclaim "you didn't fool me". This is especially true whey they travel in packs. When one of the guys discovers our secret, he immediately announces it to the rest of the group to "protect" them from making the same mistake. Even though this guy was acting alone, his protective instincts may have been at play.
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