I Told My Wife

[Ariamythe]

I wasn't planning to. It wasn't something I was ready to do. But I did it anyway: I came out to my wife tonight.

I may have mentioned before that my wife and I were having some marital strife, and that at some level I had deduced that my repressed feelings about CDing were at the root of it. Well, we were having a very serious but positive conversation tonight after the kids went to bed, and there came a moment where I wanted to say something to her but the point stalled because I couldn't go on without her knowing, and so ... i just told her. It felt like an idea whose time had come, so I told her.

She was amazing. At least, compared to all the bad scenarios in my head, she was like the best wife in the world. She hugged me, thanked me for finally being honest with her, and then just let me release it all for the next hour. I told her so much, things I had never told another soul. She asked some questions, asked me if I was going to shave my beard now (I grew it at her request nearly twenty years ago, and no, right now I'm not going to shave it), and gave me leave to incorporate some femme grooming into my daily routine (bye-bye leg hair!).

There's still a lot we have to talk about. We didn't talk about boundaries, or sex, or the kids, or anything like that. But still, the train has left the station. There was a time I could have gone back to the bad old way it used to be, repressed in the closet, but not anymore. I've just changed our relationship forever, and hopefully for the better.

Phew! :worried:

[suzy1]

I think we are all going to be holding our breath and hoping things will go on like this Aria. It does sound good.:)

Keep us updated.

[JBPerry]

Glad to see everything is well!!! Can't wait to hear more!!!

[AmyGaleRT]

I'm happy you managed to tell her, Aria, and I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out for you! You did the right thing, and hopefully this will be a good way forward for the both of you.

- Amy

[andrea lace]

I am really pleased to hear that the actual event was not as bad as you first thought. We are lucky men to have such understanding wife's. I am sure you are feeling a huge weight off your shoulders as I did. I hope your continuing journey is a positive one.

[Joanne f]

I can't deny it in that it can be a gamble as to which way it will go even though it is the right thing to do so I am pleased to hear that it went well for the both of you , communication between you both can only be a good thing lets hope that it has built a few new bridge's for you both ,well done to the both of you .

[ReineD]

If you were angry and frustrated before due to having repressed the CDing then I understand why your marriage was beginning to sour. Many years ago I went through a period when my ex (then husband) was a bear. He was impatient, flew off the handle all the time with me and the kids, Christmas came and he wanted nothing to do with it. It felt as if he had found someone else and he didn't want to be with me anymore. And his continuous bad moods were very hard to live with. It turned out that he had been worried about his job all along (the angry period lasted for about 8-9 months) and he didn't want to tell me because he thought that I would be worried. I would have much preferred being told than having lived with his anger, not knowing what was wrong.

So, I'm not surprised that your wife is relieved. I hope that everything will be better now. Still, do expect some ups and downs on her part, as the two of you begin to meander through how the cross-gender expression will fit into your marriage.

[ronda]

congrads on opening up but please do not go to fast keep youself in check so that you do not overwelm her talk to her and make sure she is ok with something you want to do before you do it and if she says what ever DO NOT TAKE THAT AS IT IS OK for you to move on with take it slow and talk talk talk and it will be ok Hugs Ronda

[Laura912]

Wish I had done the same thing years and years ago. The train would not have rocked so much. Things are much smoother now. Best to the both of you because now you both are involved.

[Keri L]

If you were angry and frustrated before due to having repressed the CDing then I understand why your marriage was beginning to sour. Many years ago I went through a period when my ex (then husband) was a bear. He was impatient, flew off the handle all the time with me and the kids, Christmas came and he wanted nothing to do with it. It felt as if he had found someone else and he didn't want to be with me anymore. And his continuous bad moods were very hard to live with. It turned out that he had been worried about his job all along (the angry period lasted for about 8-9 months) and he didn't want to tell me because he thought that I would be worried. I would have much preferred being told than having lived with his anger, not knowing what was wrong.

So, I'm not surprised that your wife is relieved. I hope that everything will be better now. Still, do expect some ups and downs on her part, as the two of you begin to meander through how the cross-gender expression will fit into your marriage.

Aria, i have to second this concerning ups and downs and not moving too fast. My wife was very accepting at first, then a little overwhelmed and freaked out, but now she seems to be okay with it again. It's been a year since I told her, but I am glad to be where we are now and able to discuss things openly.

Good luck!

[bridget thronton]

Well done on opening communication with your wife - sounds like she loves you and you love her

[kimdl93]

I'm sure you've already been warned that your wife's attitude is likely to vacillate over time... That's ok. The important thing is to maintain an even keel...don't go overboard or get lost in the pink fog. Try to take measures steps. And since you mention that your marriage was in some sense troubled before your admission, try really hard to improve those areas that cause friction. Best wishes to both of you.

[Jenniferathome]

I've just changed our relationship forever, and hopefully for the better.

It will be for the better. The stress of that secret is a killer. Congratulations. My wife and I were just talking about my "moodiness" prior to coming out to her. She had been wondering if I even liked her any more. I loved her and was driving her away. I always say that if the foundation is strong, a relationship can get past cross dressing.

Keep talking. Boundaries, rules, comfort ones, whatever you want to call it are good things.

[Bree Wagner]

Aria,

Congratulations on the great start you've made. I'm really thrilled things went so well for you. I truly do hope things are changed for the better. Keep communicating and anything is possible. Good luck on your journey!

-Bree

[Ally 2112]

Congrats on telling your wife .But like it has been said many times and will be said many more take it slow and keep the communication lines open .I hope all the best for you and your wife

[Beverley Sims]

Everybody has said it all so I wish you all the best with your future relationship.

[Ariamythe]

Thanks all for the advice. Slow will be the word of the day. I didn't wak up this morning and walk out in a dress ;), and I'm not moving my clothes into the closet or anything. I'm keeping it pretty hidden still (kids don't know) so .... It's just the feeling of having shared it that has a big smile on my face right now.

[~Joanne~]

Ariamythe, I wish you all the best with this. When I told my SO it seemed a huge weight was lifted. Slow is the proper speed right now and communication is the key. Keep it open and talk about everything not just your CDing. Get everything out there and don't be afraid of change. that's the #1 thing that keeps a lot of people down. Good luck :)

[Jodi Anne]

All the best for you & your wife, now that the cat is out of the bag.

[Leah Lynn]

Hoping things work out for you.

[LaraPeterson]

Courage my dear, that's what you showed here. I wish I had that level of courage. And I hope your journey just keeps getting better because of it.

[Alice B]

Very good. It's going to be so much more fun riding in a pullman than in the caboose. Kep us posted.

[Lynn Marie]

In your original post you mentioned the kids being asleep. I hope you realize that as the father of children, your very first obligation is to them and their mother. If that means no more crossdressing until after they are grown and out of the house, then so be it. If you can assure your wife that you will rear your children and protect her during those years, you may have a chance at a sucessfull marriage. I wish you well.

[Keri L]

In your original post you mentioned the kids being asleep. I hope you realize that as the father of children, your very first obligation is to them and their mother. If that means no more crossdressing until after they are grown and out of the house, then so be it. If you can assure your wife that you will rear your children and protect her during those years, you may have a chance at a sucessfull marriage. I wish you well.

Or, you could wait until an appropriate age where the children can maintain some discretion and then be honest with your kids, instead of them finding out when they are much older and feeling betrayed that you could not be honest with them. This is a tough, personal decision that should not be taken lightly, but I am not convinced at this stage that waiting until they are in college is the right answer for me.

[Valerie Sparks]

Ariamythe I wish you all the best. I sympathize and while I'm new here this seems like a very loving place to come look for advice. Good luck.

[DebbieL]

It sounds to me like your wife was fearing much worse. She may have even had her suspicions. Being honest with her was your chance to create something new and possibly wonderful for both of you. At minimum she knows what's bothering you.

The fact that you haven't talked about boundaries and ground rules for now is another indicator that she might be ready to take things much further than you may have expected.

It also sounds like she loves you very much, and wants you to be happy. Hopefully, you are equally comitted to her happiness.

[JamieG]

I am so glad that coming out went so well for you, and only wish you the best in the future. Coming out to my wife was one of the best things I ever did. Although it resulted in some rough patches, our relationship has grown stronger and I am a more confident person.

[Samantha_Smile]

From this point on, things can only be better for you.
Its far better to be able to be you than not.
You can only make a true informed decision or action when you have ALL of the necessary information, CDing is a fairly big omission.
Im not judging, because Ive lied myself, but honestly I look back and wonder why I never let myself just be myself LOL

And hey, its a pretty big perk having a GG eye to give you pointers

[Barbara Ella]

Aria, I am so very happy for you and your wife. You have a lot of good advice to sift through, and it looks like you know what to do and will be taking it slow. The warnings that her emotions will be extremely up and down for the next few months are really important to understand and be prepared for. My story is similar to many you have read here. When I told her she cried for three weeks. Then she was totally supportive and accepting, and we did so much together and I dressed around her for about 2 months or so. then she fell apart emotionally worrying about the future, and went into DADT for a few months. Now she is willing to talk about it, let me dress when she is out, but will never see me dressed. We both reacted too rapidly when she felt she could handle it. So even if she is totally accepting, please take it slow with her.

I truly hope that this revelation will make some of the other problems a little less "irritating" and let you both become more comfortable in your new roles together. It really will change for both of you.

Barbara

[DanaR]

That is very nice that your wife was understanding when you told her. I'm sure she will have many questions, some of which you might be able to answer, at least right now. Be patient and understanding of her, it sounds like she cares about you a lot.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Aria, what exciting times! I came out to my wife just a month ago in similar circumstance and she was also amazing, but in just this short time I've noticed that her level of acceptance can vary substantially. Take it slow and think of her feelings. My train left the station too, but she is the conductor!

Best of luck.

[Ariamythe]

It sounds to me like your wife was fearing much worse. She may have even had her suspicions.
I don't know that she had suspicious beforehand -- I've only been allowing myself to really explore this for a couple of weeks now. But when I first started to tell her, I stumbled for words at first, and she asked if I'd been hiding some kind of childhood abuse. So, yeah. I think in the moment she was just trying to help me say it out loud by guessing what it might have been, but that her mind went there ... um ... :doh:


The fact that you haven't talked about boundaries and ground rules for now is another indicator that she might be ready to take things much further than you may have expected.
Not sure about that. Honestly, the first 24 hours since telling her, we both kind of fell back into normal mode, almost pretending it hadn't happened. Because I have young kids who aren't currently a part of this, I couldn't exactly start walking around the house en femme -- not sure if I want to at this point anyway -- and with the exception of a couple of bathroom grooming products I've made no moves yet to move my "secret stash" from its present hidden location.

This isn't to say that I'm not happy I told her. I have had a peace within me since telling her that wasn't there before, and I know that on an intellectual level she's fully accepting of my feelings. But all of you here advocated slow movement, and I'm certainly on board with that. I'm going to wait a bit and see if she'll make the next move, whatever that turns out to be.

[Ariamythe]

Take it slow and think of her feelings. My train left the station too, but she is the conductor!
Well put. By telling someone else, I'm no longer in total control of the secret. By telling her, I'm putting power in her hands. Power over me. I trust her to use it responsibly, but I don't know where she might want to take it.