My fear is lossing the battle.

[Janelle_C]

I've been going to therapy for a year now. The last few months with my wife to work on some of our issues and to try and help her understand what I'm feeling and to help her with what she was feeling. On our last session together my therapist asked me what I identified with and with tears coming down my face I said I'm afraid to say any thing other than a CDer, not knowing how my wife would react to any thing else. My wife and I decided that I would go back for now on my own to help me figure some stuff out. This time I made a list of all the stuff I was feeling and the stuff that I think about all day long.
It was a hard session for me to say out loud that I think about being a woman most of the time. The only time I don't think about it is when I'm dressed as a woman, I never say to myself I can't wait to get back in my drab clothes. That I'm resenting my male counterpart. There was a lot more stuff we talked about, why it is so important for me to come out. My fears about coming out telling friends and family.
But my biggest fear was how is my wife going to handle me telling her that I'm more then a CDer and I'm not happy just dressing, that my feelings are more than that.
I spent three sleepless nights thinking about how to tell her. We made a deal she said I don't want to know what you think you know, tell me when you know. So Saturday night we had that talk and it went about as well as I think it could of gone. She told me if I go down that road taking HRT and transitioning she just doesn’t know. I spent another sleepless night and in the morning she said she is committed to us but it will be very hard for her. She wants me to continue to go to therapy and work on my feeling and try to figure out what I want to do.
I think for me it was hard to admit those feelings because then I was afraid of what that might mean I would want to do about them.
Thanks for the ear. Hugs Janelle

[kimdl93]

Janelle,

I know this is a common fear. But sometimes you never know for certain. Its seldome black and white...either CD or TS. Most of us are probably somewhere between these two. And there could be a point along that continuum where you're comfortable and your wife is comfortable. Its great that she's committed and accepts, despite recognizing how hard it might be. Rather than making it hard, why not suggest that the two of you continue in therapy together and work towards finding a common path to take together. Take one step at a time together, and give each other the opportunity to adjust to that point before you take another.

You often hear that life isn't a destination - its a journey. This applies to you as well...and if you can learn to enjoy that journey together, the destination may not seem quite so important.

[Barbara Ella]

janelle, Kim said it so well (somehow I do not believe her when she says she will stop at 10,000. too many would miss her). Worrying about the ending is not worth the pain endured by never beginning the journey. You both know the possible ending, but you both also know that the point of peace might be very short of that finality. I am in the same position, and am enduring sleepless nights, working up to the inevitable talk, even knowing that transitioning (surgeries) is very much off the table for me at my age. In the past she has said many of the same things your wife said, so I am hoping for a similar outcome where we can at least be together.

Just work on what you need/want to do together and hopefully the best will happen for you both.

Hugs and prayers,

Barbara