Popping pills . . . .

[Anne2345]

Every morning. Every night. Without fail.

Rocking the E, blocking the T, just trying to be me.

I do not hesitate. I do not think twice.

I do not even pause.

I just pop, pop, pop away, every day, as if it is the most natural and easy thing in the world, just waiting to see what will happen next.

Except I already know what's going to happen next. In fact, it's already begun. It's happening right now, actually.

I am changing. I am evolving. I am becoming.

The thing is, if I continue down this road, there will be consequences.

It's an inescapable conclusion. It's Basic Cause and Effect 101.

Take the E, block the T, become less he, turn more she.

Yet, continue forward I do. Each and every day, pop, pop, popping away.

But why do this? Why do any of this at all? Why do this knowing that there will be consequences? Why risk what I fear losing?

More importantly, just what exactly has happened to my once previously formidable and seemingly unconquerable fear?

I mean, I feel good right now. I feel great, actually. For perhaps the first real time in my life, I feel like I am moving in the right direction, and that I am beginning to own myself.

But fear has ruled my entire life. Fear has been my constant companion. Fear has been my lifelong bedfellow.

I have felt fear for so long now that I kind of actually feel odd without it. I almost feel wrong for finally beginning to feel so right, so real, and so alive.

It’s weird, because the fear has been so consistent, consuming, and historically prevalent in my life that I almost want some of it back. Almost.

Still, I am no fool. I know my fear, as battered, weak, and wounded as it may currently be, remains back there residing within the shadows of my being, lurking, waiting patiently, biding its time, licking its wounds, and silently, secretly growing stronger in anticipation of potential future battles to come.

Or maybe not. What the heck, after all, do I know? I mean, I have been so completely wrong about so many things that I really should have no credibility left at all.

Regardless, whatever this may be currently attributable to, calm and quiet is good, right?

Unless it's in the movies, where it’s just a little bit too calm and too quiet, and just when everyone breathes a sigh of relief and relaxes - BOOM!! BAM!!! KA-POW!!! GOTCHA!!! :eek:

Which reminds me. It's time to pop another pill . . . .

[Kerigirl2009]

I like it, Very upbeat and its wierd but I totally love it

[Janelle_C]

Dear Anne when I read your posts I realize that I am not that unique. I'm at that crossroad right now. Where the pain I feel to stay where I am is just to much. But the fear, the consequences of going down the road that your hart says is the right way is so scary. I've spent my hole life trying to deny my feeling do to fear and shame. I can not do that any more. Reading some of your posts gives me hope. Hugs Janelle

[SamanthaC]

I love reading your posts Anne. The way you write is really quite beautiful. Glad you're on the up and up.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

lots of great observations in that post Anne

taking the pill and how you feel about it (not just how it makes you feel hormonally) is good data to steel you for any tough decisions in the future..its empowering to do something that feels genuine and true (maybe for the first time ever!!)

[kimdl93]

That was poetic...in a free verse sorta way.

[LeaP]

Zapping your T and ingesting your E,
Has become your regular drill.

Yet you say, silly rabbit, it's not out of habit,
Nor is it an act of sheer will.

Is it magical Pharma to take without drama,
Such meds with consequence dire?

When you look at the bottle does it stifle and throttle,
Self-control you would rather require?

But here's the hard facts: these are quite willful acts.
They bode of a future decision.

It's one we've discussed, which way as you must,
'Praps one you at present envision.

If, sorry to say, that manly you'll stay,
New boobage will need some recision.

If not then command the pills in your hand,
Your ambition is clearly transition!

These are the things from your mind that will spring,
As you muddle along in the now.

But one day not far hence, when you get off the fence,
The decision will hit you. Ka-pow!

[melissaK]

I am beginning to own myself.

. . . hmmm. Are we real property or mere chattel? Is that a form of slavery? I gotta run a Westlaw search on that concept . . . .

(Silliness aside, its a great post Anne. Nothing made me feel better than starting HRT for all the reasons you express. And the fear of tomorrow will have opportunity to come back around soon enough. But also there will be more steps in transition that will be fresh winds in your sails.)

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, with each pill that pops, have you noticed the little echo that seems to be way in the background? Of course you have!

Anne, with each pill that pops, A thought bubble, one of the millions you have generated in your stellar life also pops. You've heard them.

Anne, with each pill that pops, that thought bubble that you filled many years ago with your fears, concerns, anger, tears pops. You've built them.

Anne, with each pill that pops, that frothy bubbly slime that buries the real you becomes less and less of a weight on your heart. You've felt it.

Anne, with each pill that pops, that which is you is so much more visible to everyone and the rays of joy can shine outward. You've built them too.

Anne, with each pill that pops, you will eventually have no more of those enigmatic bubbles left and the new popping will be the building of an ever growing and confident woman, You've been building her for quite some time.

Anne with each pill that pops, well, you are woman now, so who cares.

Barbara