when to tell a new girlfriend that you're a CDer?

[phelicia]

How long after you start dating someone new would you tell them that you like to dress as a woman? I've never told any of my past girlfriends that I CD and I know that my relationships have suffered because of it. I'm interested to hear everyone's thoughts on this subject

[ArleneRaquel]

During my long marriage I never told my wife. I would tell your new girlfriend ASAP, but who am I to give advice on this subject ? HUGS & BEST WISHES !

[AmyGaleRT]

I would say, somewhere in the interval between when you know it's "really serious" and when you get married. You don't necessarily want to scare her off by dropping the bomb on her right away, yet you don't want to withhold secrets like this until after you've already made it legal. Beyond that, it depends on your level of comfort and openness.

- Amy

[Adrienna]

What our dear Amy said. I have a new GG and think very highly of her. I have dropped a couple of serious hints and they were taken well. I think that she may be open to it but gotta tread carefully. Drop a few more hints, study the reactions then make a decision.

[NathalieX66]

The girl I'm dating now saw the wig you see in the profile left of you, on a styrofoam head, and says " do wear that all the time?"

My answer was primarily "no".....mainly because my actual hair is brushing my collarbone.

[Bernadina]

This might work if she's into clothes shopping. Offer to accompany her and see how she reacts when you express an interest in helping her choose.

[Bree Wagner]

I'd suggest not immediately but as soon as you know it may be going somewhere. I'm pretty sure I told my wife within about a month after we started dating and had really hit it off.

I'll also wager a guess that every relationship is very, very different and that you'll be the best one to judge when the time is right for you.

Good luck,
Bree

[phelicia]

During my long marriage I never told my wife. I would tell your new girlfriend ASAP, but who am I to give advice on this subject ? HUGS & BEST WISHES !

I don't want to scare her off but then again I don't want it to get to serious and then have my heart broke. I agree with you ArleneRaquel, tell her ASAP. But that's going to be soooo hard for me to do.

[phelicia]

I'd suggest not immediately but as soon as you know it may be going somewhere. I'm pretty sure I told my wife within about a month after we started dating and had really hit it off.

I'll also wager a guess that every relationship is very, very different and that you'll be the best one to judge when the time is right for you.

Good luck,
Bree

Wow, you must have a great wife!! You're a lucky girl

[phelicia]

This might work if she's into clothes shopping. Offer to accompany her and see how she reacts when you express an interest in helping her choose.

Thanks Bernadina, that's a great idea and it would be so much fun!!

[phelicia]

What our dear Amy said. I have a new GG and think very highly of her. I have dropped a couple of serious hints and they were taken well. I think that she may be open to it but gotta tread carefully. Drop a few more hints, study the reactions then make a decision.

Adrienna, I hope everything works out for you and she accepts you for the total and complete YOU! Can you give me an example of one of some if the hints you dropped??

[phelicia]

I would say, somewhere in the interval between when you know it's "really serious" and when you get married. You don't necessarily want to scare her off by dropping the bomb on her right away, yet you don't want to withhold secrets like this until after you've already made it legal. Beyond that, it depends on your level of comfort and openness.

- Amy
Amy, thank you for your advice. I don't want to scare her off but I don't want the relationship to get to the point of being serious either. I just don't now what is the right move to make here, I'm thinking about telling her

[UNDERDRESSER]

When, (or if) to tell a new GF, is very much dependent on your situation, and on your judgment of her, and her probable reaction. All we can do is give you examples from our own experience. Put them together with your own "local knowledge."

In my case, we weren't "dating" I had told her of my interest, but we worked together, and neither of us wanted an awkward work environment, she had had some recent traumatic episodes, and didn't want to get involved, YET. We were just workmates, and friends, who hung out, and were becoming very close friends. When it became clear to me that I REALLY, wanted it to be more, and i thought it would, i had a conversation with her which started with me saying that honesty was going to be important if this was to go anywhere, then I just blurted it out.

It went much better than I had hoped, total acceptance. I think it even helped with us hooking up. Certainly, she understood the level of trust I was expressing in telling her.

[Beverley Sims]

The girl I'm dating now saw the wig you see in the profile left of you, on a styrofoam head, and says " do wear that all the time?"

My answer was primarily "no".....mainly because my actual hair is brushing my collarbone.

I know you answered with the truth but did she know the full story?

[Jenniferathome]

Tell her when you are getting serious. We all know when it is "serious."

Timing, location, and preparation for the discussion are critical.

[Chickhe]

If I had to do it over again it would go like this... 'I'm busy tuesday night unless you want to join me, promise you won't laugh...'. If she laughs too much, you tell it it was a joke and dump her soon after and if she says cool! you just do it. ...and all the 'should I tell' talk is over rated, you need to forget about such negative thinking and be nonchalant about it...so much that its an accepted part of your life vs an affliction.

[Genifer Teal]

right away. There is never a good time to bring it up. Let her know before the relationship starts. Better to find out first than to know what you might be missing if it doesn't work out when you tell her later.

[sandra-leigh]

I think it depends in part on how important dressing is to you.

Myself I'm at the point where if I were to get a date, I would be wearing female clothes to it anyhow, but not necessarily obvious female clothes, not the first time.

But I'm not dating. And the few places I can think of that I might perhaps meet someone if I were looking, I'm already fairly known in obvious clothes.

[sometimes_miss]

How long after you start dating someone new would you tell them that you like to dress as a woman? [/quote
Depends on how soon you want to have them stop dating you. :straightface:
[quote]I've never told any of my past girlfriends that I CD and I know that my relationships have suffered because of it.
I've told past SO's and the relationships promptly fell apart. There's a greater than 95% probability that telling her will end your relationship as lovers, though there's a slight possibility that she may be willing to be 'just friends', but your romantic escapades with her will most likely be ended permanently. Best of luck, that's all we can hope for. The odds are simply not on our side.

[Deedee Skyblue]

I would say, somewhere in the interval between when you know it's "really serious" and when you get married. - Amy

On the other hand, sometimes telling a woman early on can be a lot of fun. And, telling her after you become serious can cause a lot of heartbreak if she can't accept you.

Deedee

[Kate Simmons]

Before it begins to get serious. She got to know me first as a person and was convinced of who I was, then it wasn't a big deal.:)

[Deedee Skyblue]

There's a greater than 95% probability that telling her will end your relationship as lovers...

My feeling about life in general is that I need the odds to be 60/40 in my favor in order to have a 50/50 chance. But I don't believe that 95% number. I told 3 serious girlfriends and all 3 of them were fine. I have never been rejected by anyone I've told.

Deedee

[Pantyhose Vicki]

I tell women I date early on, before it gets deeply emotional.
If it's a dealbreaker, you haven't wasted either persons time.If it's cool, you've saved time.

[kimdl93]

This is a very personal thing. There are a couple of possibilities. One- you're getting serious and want a Long Term relationship. In that case, tell her as soon as you both feel this could be serious. The other is a friendship with benefits kind of relationship. If its not something you expect to last, then maybe telling her can inject some new fun into the relationship...and you'll have someone new to shop with!

[PretzelGirl]

You are going to have to think this through as far as where you think the relationship is going. If marriage is a possibility, I would think you would want to tell her long before proposing. First so you don't tell her after a commitment is in place and that becomes a factor in the thought process and also so there is a gestation period after telling her before dropping the big one.

If you don't think the relationship is ever going to end in marriage, then it is up to you if you ever want to tell. People tell friends, so you can certainly tell someone that you are having a good time with but don't see the long term future being with them. And some completely open people may tell right after starting a relationship because they are more open with this side of themselves.

[JenniferR771]

Tell her when she asks, "Why are you wearing pink panties, when your toenails are red?"

[Adrienna]

Phelicia, be glad to. We went to Goodwill one day and she found a very nice top and I said it would totally look good on me with a Black skirt. She replied laughingly, "You stay out of my closet and I'll stay out of yours!". I also dropped hints about strutting around in high heels especially in boots! (She knows about my boot fetish). She took that well. She challenged me to dress up as the main character in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I said I would and then some so watch out, LOL Hope this helps.

[NicoleScott]

How you tell her may be as important as when. If you are defensive, coming off as some kind of deviant weirdo, it may not be received well.

[KatieV]

If you think this is a relationship that you hope will grow, sooner is probably better than later, especially if you are hoping that she'll accept or even encourage your crossdressing. The longer you wait the more difficult it will be.

[Lorileah]

Sometime between, "I really like you and I think we will do well together. Would you spend the night?" and "Hi what's for breakfast?"

Seriously, when you are feeling it is serious. I tell before we even start dating because if she does not accept me this way, I would prefer to move on to someone who will

[Shannon C.]

Im not really dating anyone at the moment, but I would guess it would have to be before I have them over to my place since I have my clothes and heels laying about. Not to mention one look at my closet and she would know something is up. I made the mistake of not telling women I was in previous relationships with and I feel the longer you wait the harder it will get.

I wish you the best of luck on your decision and hope that it goes well when you do tell her.

[wearinghers2]

I told my wife after a month of dating its funny cause we were out to dinner talking about her past and why she divorced her ex and she looked at me and said enough about me tell me something about you and I said I like to wear womens clothing and she said that everything made sense to her well cause we would go shopping all day me helping her pick out outfits for her for work and play and so the next day she calls me to tell me to get ready she is coming to pick me up and take me shopping for the day, we have been together for 25 years now

[KimberlyG]

Get to know each other. Talk about all things. Get to know her opinion about where she stands on " questionable behavior" by asking questions. After dating and in depth conversations you may be able to determine if she is the right person for you before you reveal you cross dress. If she gets to know the total you that you are she may determine that being a CD is only a part of the person you are. She is looking at another human being that has their own uniqueness. Everyone is a total package - whoever they are. All the best.

[gender_blender]

Bring it up casually and playfully like it's no big deal. Cause it isn't a big deal, but is a major part of your feelings and, therefore, who you are as a person.

[krisinpink]

IMHO, I feel earlier is better...not on the first date, or even the second. -It depends on how quickly the relationship seems to be moving. Waiting until you've confessed love to one another is too late...waiting this long will feel deceptive to her.

As has been mentioned in an earlier posting on this thread, it may come up casually in conversation when she notices the jeans you're wearing; I've worn only women's jeans now for almost two years, including on those 'first dates' I've had.

Another EXCELLENT point brought up in this thread is that when you do enter a conversation about crossdressing, absolutely DO address it openly, without any sense of shame or embarrassment, and keep it light and fun because this is exactly what dressing for us should be. Next, DO NOT belabor the point; as many of us have probably learned over the years, it is WAY too easy for us to overindulge ourselves and loose sight of the feelings of our SOs. [pink fog] This is an important point. I've had a couple of serious girlfriends with whom I've shared my dressing, and too quickly burnt out their willingness to accept & participate because of my zeal to do this with my gal.

Hope this is useful!

-Krissy

[Emma Beth]

I'm seeing so much great advice that I wish I had had it a long time ago, myself.

Adrienna, I would have to say, just follow your gut or heart. Your own instinct is the best judge on the timing. As for the presentation, I would say the same thing; but be careful and think. I would honestly prefer that it be sooner than later so as not to miss out on all those great shopping memories and a different level of closeness, but that relates more to my life and not yours. Ultimately, the decision is yours and yours alone.

Something to keep in mind is something I said in another thread that I started about coming out to my wife.


This experience has taught me that there are three simple rule to live the life you deserve and they are:

1. If you do not go after what you want, you will never have it.

2. If you don't ask, the answer will ALWAYS be no.

3. If you do not step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

It may not be peachy, and it may not lead you down the path you think you should be walking down; but, you will always have the life you deserve.

Deep down the answer is there, good or bad, honesty is the best policy.

[sometimes_miss]

My feeling about life in general is that I need the odds to be 60/40 in my favor in order to have a 50/50 chance. But I don't believe that 95% number. I told 3 serious girlfriends and all 3 of them were fine. I have never been rejected by anyone I've told. Deedee
So are you still involved romantically/sexually with any of them? Or even one? Was there any sign of sexual disinterest from them, how long did the relationships last after you told them? Can you give us any hints about maybe what field of work they were in, or any clue at all as to what they were like, or where we can find women like them? Because I haven't had any success at all, to me it seems like being a crossdresser is just a big sexual turn off to women.

[veronica66]

Back when I was dating I would tell them right away. First I would tell them I don't like body hair and I shave my body. I would tell them I love to wear a small bikini or thong to the beach. If they were fine with that I would tell the rest. It that freaked them out then no need to tell more. I told my wife before we were married. She is indifferent - she likes my smooth body but the cross dressing does nothing for her. She doesn't like or hate it.

[Ineke Vashon]

There might be a difference between "tell all now" and a sort of gradual approach at opportune moments. As in, it doesn't have to be a complete confession with the first "talk". My (then) girlfriend and I were shopping, for her, and she commented on how patient I was while in the woman's department. As well as she was surprised that I offered interested comments on selections she made. Later, conversing at home over a glass, I suggested that apparently my feminine side was stronger than on the average man. She accepted that without a problem. Call it phase one of admitting. Phase two didn't materialize because we stopped dating, for other, unrelated, reasons. Hope this helps a little.
Ineke

[becky77]

I had no intention of telling my girlfriend but as we fell in love with other and we grew to know each other, it seemed the most natural thing to do. Didn't make it any easier saying it, but I just knew it was the right time, especially since we weren't married yet.
It's impossible to answer this question because everyone and every relationship is different, I can only say that for me I knew when the time was right.

[NeKoi]

I'm thinking of telling my gf/SO at the moment, however I'm getting the butterflies in the tummy when ever I get close to saying those words. The only good thing is currently I've barely started (although I used to do more comfortably in confines of my own hostel room but have stopped every since I left). She does know that I'm looking more carefully at ladies items when shopping around. Recently I've gotten a new pair of women's pants on claims that they feel much nicer, although she did buy them with me, but I was still thinking of telling her straight.

I guess I'm like fighting myself all the time.... I'm also thinking if I should be telling her my whole story, something that goes a little like I've always though of becoming a girl since young (but I think that might be bringing it a little too far even though I've already put off the idea of going the full transition quite some time back).

Just to make matters worse, I'm from the more conservative Asian culture... >.<

[Nikki50/50]

When to tell?
As early as possible. Take a deep breath, and just dive.

[Lady Panda]

From a GG point of view....tell her when you have the feeling that you would like her to be someone you would like to be serious about. One usually knows if you would like to keep someone around and they seem to be someone you would like to eventually be serious with. don't wait till its totally serious...then she she will feel like she was shoved in the corner and was ambushed. By doing it sooner, it is easier to adjust to .