I haven't been here in a while

[Jennifer W]

mainly because my wife and I had a "disagreement" over my choice of clothing. She was accepting at first, then suddenly not. Everything got purged and not by me. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I feel alone. I will survive. I hope. I want to stay here but I'm not sure if Jennifer will ever be the same. I am who I am inside whether I have fem clothes or not. I'm me. I'm Jen. :sad:

[kimdl93]

Jen, would you provide a little more context to the "disagreement". You mention that your wife was accepting at first. That can cover a wide range of behaviors. For example, a wife/SO might accept the knowledge that her partner is CD, might accept some bedroom dressing, might accept underdressing, or might be supportive of a partner going out totally en femme. But, acceptance seldom begins with the latter. And its possible to overwhelm a partner, getting lost in a pink fog and wanting to dress all the time from day one.

[Jennifer W]

Kim; She said she couldn't look at me anymore while wearing fem clothes. When it first came out I only underdressed and have only added plain t-shirts or tanks. She gave me jeans. Not fem at all. She said she had no desire for intimacy if she saw me with even panties. I wore panties every day and only other stuff under my regular clothes, even to work. She never said anything. I'm very much confused. All my stuff is gone.

[Ms. Laura]

I'm so sorry to hear that Jen. Existing in that "unknown" state is horrible. If she was accepting once, she may be again. You need to talk with her and see where she's at. Maybe outline boundaries? Assure her you're still the same person, her husband (assuming that's true.)

She may have panicked, maybe only hid things from you?

Good luck, I hope that you can talk it out.

[Karren H]

Has to tough to go through a flip flop like that.... sure glad I never went through that.... my wife has hated it from day one.... sigh....

[Jenniferathome]

Jen, you have to talk to her to get the the "why." This is a reaction to something. She buried her anger or resentment for some time or some more recent issue broke the camel's back. You have to talk. There is no other solution. No one "suddenly" becomes unaccepting. SOMETHING was happening to get her to explode in this way. It's ok for her to hate it, but you both need to talk about why.

Good luck,

[Angela Campbell]

Kim; She said she couldn't look at me anymore while wearing fem clothes. When it first came out I only underdressed and have only added plain t-shirts or tanks. She gave me jeans. Not fem at all. She said she had no desire for intimacy if she saw me with even panties. I wore panties every day and only other stuff under my regular clothes, even to work. She never said anything. I'm very much confused. All my stuff is gone.

Doesn't sound like she was accepting at all to me. Did she tell you she was ok with the crossdressing?

[Stephanie47]

Based on the limited information you provided I wonder if you and your wife did not establish mutually accepted 'boundaries,' stated or implied. In most DADT marriages, it's just that "See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil." If a woman is going to accept your 'quirk' based on evaluating your overall relationship, she may just not want ANY part of it. If you're under dressing in front of her, you may be going too far for her. Sometimes being non confrontational is misread as acceptance, when it is not at all. Sometimes cross dressing has to be totally private.


Kim; She said she couldn't look at me anymore while wearing fem clothes. When it first came out I only underdressed and have only added plain t-shirts or tanks. She gave me jeans. Not fem at all. She said she had no desire for intimacy if she saw me with even panties. I wore panties every day and only other stuff under my regular clothes, even to work. She never said anything. I'm very much confused. All my stuff is gone.

[Jennifer W]

I'll try to answer everyone.
My wife found a photo of us. I had a tank top on. Plain, white. Given to me by her to wear. She didn't like it in the photo. She said she knew it came from Fashion Bug. I tried talking. She said she wants me to be able to express myself, but at the same time she said no intimacy could be thought of. She said even the thought of me dressing when she isn't around wouldn't be an option because she would know and then not be able to perform sexually. My stuff got packed up and shipped off to Goodwill. She cried a lot and said she needed her husband back. I tried talking to no avail.
My guess is she only thought she was okay with me underdressing, but never was. The confusing part is she gave me camis, jeans and t's to wear.
I'm going to wait a little while and try to discuss it again, but right now probably isn't a good time.
Thanks for all your input so far.
Jen

[kimdl93]

Thanks for the additonal information.

I noticed from your posts that you've only been out since spring 2012. That isn't very long, and its not uncommon for wives to attempt to accept and accomodate, and then later (and sometimes repeatedly) to retreat and strenuously object. You both need to have more conversations about this, even if she isn't willing to talk at the moment. At a minimum she should understand that throwing your things away is not a workable option. Then, the two of you need to arrive at some agreement on what acceptable to both of you.

[NicoleScott]

She said she wants me to be able to express myself.........
......... even the thought of me dressing when she isn't around wouldn't be an option because she would know and then not be able to perform sexually.

I'm having a hard time reconciling these two statements. It makes me think she wasn't truthful about the first statement, as evidenced by the second.

[CassandraSmith]

I'm so sorry you had to have that happen.

Sincerely,


Cassy

[Tibby]

It may be that she was being truthful when she said at first that she could accept it, but emotions are changeable and she's finding it a bit of a rollercoaster ride right now. From what you say and things which she's said to you, it's almost as if she's going through the same type of emotional turmoil as if you'd had an affair, and in way there is another woman in your lives which she is being asked to come to terms with. Just because you're not having an affair with another woman, this woman is still a big part of your life and someone who, she knows, you find hard to not see. In a way she may feel betrayed in the same way she would feel if it had been an affair and that may be what makes it hard for the intimacy, "I can't sleep with you while she's still on the scene" is something which may be going through her mind. Has she had anyone she can talk to about her feelings in this or has she kept it secret out of respect for you or out of fear for what people may say. If she's trying to deal with all these emotions which can be brought about by a subject like this on her own, she's bound to be all over the place. I think both of you need understanding and support and communication.

[StephanieJ]

Hi Jen,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I've been exactly where you are and I know how it feels to have your wardrobe involuntarily "purged". My ex-wife used to go from accepting to not and back again nearly every other month. I konw that emotions can change and some of that is okay as you both figure things out. But at some point logic has to kick in and there has to be a compromise. Each of you will put up with some things you don't like... After 18 years of working on this we finally saw a therapist who suggested that my wife might have Borderline Personality Disorder (PBD). It's like bi-polar, only not quite as bad, hence the term "borderline".

I'm not saying that your wife has that, but if you are not already seeing one, I would strongly suggest the tutelage of a competent therapist. Mine suggested a book that, if I had read two years earlier, might have saved my marriage. It's called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger. A lot of times when our wives express disapproval of the desire to cross-dress it feels like they are rejecting us! The ideas in the book help me deal with this rejection in a healthy way and give hope to an otherwise destitute situation.

Again, I don't have any idea if this applies to your situation. If your wife doesn't flip flop in other areas of life then she is probably quite normal and is just dealing with your CDing. Either way keep your chin up and always take the "high road". Remember before every conversation to express your love for her and if you are a religious person, it might even be helpful for you to pray for her. You are both going through a lot and can use all the support you can get.

Hugs,
Steph

[Chickhe]

I don't want to give you any ideas, but I bet she would not be really happy if you threw out all of her clothes that you don't like her to wear. One other thought, you might want to start wearing her stuff... or at least tell her as much. But, don't stay quiet about it. You need to make your feelings known, its very disrespectful what she did and you must let her know that she hurt your feelings. Maybe her intention was to get you all new stuff!

[MsJanessa]

Sometimes dressing, even if you don't do it in front of her, can be a real dealbreaker in a marriage--it's up to you to decide whether you want to continue in the relationship or not--it doesn't sound like either of you are particularly happy.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Jen, sadly I think this is a much more common reaction than we want to believe. It's very hard for a lot of women to accept this, and it just sucks for you. i wish I had words of wisdom for you, but all I can offer is my heart-felt sympathy for you.

[Beverley Sims]

You will come back successfully if you do it slowly.

[Jennifer W]

You will come back successfully if you do it slowly.

Funny thing. I've worn panties about 4 times in the last two weeks. Nothing has been said about them being in the laundry. We are going away soon and no fem stuff is coming with me. Slowly inching back. I miss my fem clothes. I will survive.