told my wife

[Stevie]

I have been dressing secretly now for about 15 years and for the most part like it that way. Recently my wife found my hiding spot and I finally told her this is what I like to do. She isn't ok with it. She believes that I'm gay because of it. I told her I'm not. She doesn't approve of it but is willing to go along with it as long as I let her know. Deep down I feel like I ruined her life. She told me that if she knew this before we got married that things would be different .

[Jay Cee]

It's probably more about her feeling like she's been lied to than it is about your dressing. It's a big thing to a lot of people, even though it doesn't really harm anyone. Keep communicating, and show her that you are the same great person that she married. If you are going to dress in front of her (and it probably will happen), keep it stylish and low key (ie: no crazy heels and trying to look like a 20 year old).

Good luck!

[SexyErica]

Hello Stevie I,m sorry to hear your wife is'nt being more supportive .Your among friends here and you will find all of us to be very kind and caring.I came out to my wife a few years ago and at first she was not very fond of it but as time is going by she is starting to accept that side of me more hope the same happens for you.

[wanagione]

I told my wife before she found out. I guess I was married about 15 years too. She was more upset that I didn't tell her about and didn't trust her with all of it. I hope it works out for you, just give her time to digest it all, remember we have been dealing with this all our lives, this is all new to her.

[WIFE GG/SO]

As a wife I think I understand how your wife is feeling. As others have said, it probably is more to do with the not being told in the first place. Also, I was terrified that there was "more" to it than my husband told me. It took me a few years to finally feel comfortable that crossdressing was all it was. I was terrified that my husband would want to transition, but now I don't fear that anymore. Be sure you tell her everything...finding out more later would be bad. And DO NOT try to bring it into the bedroom unless she requests it. Or at least talk to her about it first. No surprises.

[Maslow's Mum]

Dear Stevie..I'm a girlfriend and my advice (not that you asked) would be to see if you could encourage your wife to visit this site and learn more about dressing. If her experience here is anything like mine, she'll be so warmly welcomed and supported and she will soon learn 'dressing' doesn't = gay, which seems to be a very prevalent misconception....hell, even I thought that but this site educated me....and saved my relationsip.
So....this is Mum talking......"YOU DID NOT RUIN HER LIFE! " Okay? Get it? You are still the same guy she fell in love with and married and hopefully she will come to realize that and accept all of you because we all are 'many selves' wrapped in the one package. Like I tell my guy...I'm just vanilla...but you are pistachio-carmel-heavenly hash'.
And maybe her terror that you are gay translates to:.....I love you and am terrified I'm going to lose you
So I'm the hopeless romantic always on the side of love ...don't lose her, educate her and love the hell out of her and hopefully soon you'll be posting that she has accepted what she formerly didn't understand about you ....and maybe you should tell her the truth, which I bet would sound something like this "I would have told you years ago but I was terrified I'd lose you.'
I'm betting on you both!

[Tibby]

Hi Stevie, I'm a wife of too (this is now starting to look like all the wives jumping in lol) and you have said that you have been dressing for about 15 years. That's a long time that you have been dealing with this and I'm sure that over that period you have gone through many changing emotions. Your wife will now be trying to deal with and experience many of those same emotions only she has someone who is depending on dealing with it all in a short space of time, someone who is waiting for her to come to terms with it. That can sometimes make her feel rushed into thinking about what she's feeling. Expect a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally, she may accept sometimes, she may not and this can see saw for a while until her emotions, fears, concerns etc all become more ordered. You can help in this by being extra supportive of her, gving her time to process what you have told her, loving her and showing her that she is still attractive to you and that has never changed and never will and most of all, she's not going to lose you. Things will likely be said at the moment which may be hurtful but this is all the natural process of coming to terms with it. Talk with her, be honest with her but be patient and try not to rush her. One thing as well is that with you dressing in secret, I assume this is something which you would prefer not to be discussed out of the home, if she can't talk to friends about this, she may not even want to tell friends, but that is also going to mean that she is dealing with this on her own, just as you did. She is relying on you to be her support and to give her answers, you may not be able to answer her questions. There loads of wives here if she ever wants to have a chat with other women in her situation. I wish you both the best of luck in coming through this journey together.

[Karren H]

I still have the same regrets that I tainted my wifes life when she found out.... not something I ever wanted to do to her.... when you tell someone your secret you pull them into your closet and place an even greater burden on them....

and on that happy note..... welcome to the forum!

[Tora]

Again, Some of us older girls... well I thought being married would be the cure for this. In 1970 there was not much info on this subject. My wonderful wife does not approve.

[Jenniferathome]

Remember, it is the "lie" not really cross dressing that is the offense. Women hate that the truth was withheld. Moreover, she found you out, not you coming clean to her.

So now starts the conversation phase. You have to talk about this. She has to hear your "why" and you hear her fears and concerns. Her question about being gay or even wanting to transition to a woman is absolutely normal. Talk about that. If you talk, it will be better.

[Stevie]

Thank you for all the replies. Back when I first discovered this I really thought it was a phase. Now with all the lies and misleadings I do not blame my wife for the way she feels. I can only hope and pray that she can forgive me and accept me for who I am.

[Karren H]

Remember, it is the "lie" not really cross dressing that is the offense. Women hate that the truth was withheld. Moreover, she found you out, not you coming clean to her.

.

True but the act is a close second place...... even if you hadn't lied..... you would still be toast if she was unaccepting.....


Thank you for all the replies. Back when I first discovered this I really thought it was a phase. Now with all the lies and misleadings I do not blame my wife for the way she feels. I can only hope and pray that she can forgive me and accept me for who I am.

I'm at 6 years and counting and no closer to forgiveness than on day one.....

[Kate Simmons]

I used to feel that way but don't any longer. My wife and I had three wonderful kids together and many good years even though she struggled with my dressing over that time. I now consider the fact that she could have done a lot worse than myself as a husband, considering how many low lifes are out there that abuse their spouses and families. Thoughts like those never entered my mind as I cherished my family.:)

[MysticLady]

I told my wife about my crossdressing and she lost it emotionaly. She tried to tolerate it but in the end she couldn't deal with it. She told me that she wants a divorce and Im saddened that she wasn't willing to deal with this with me. I feel somewhat betrayed but I can understand her feelings.

[LauraBird]

Give it time, Stevie, and tread lightly. 15 years of marriage is a good long time, have patience and give her time to come around.

[Beverley Sims]

Stevie,
We all make bad decisions in our lives, in this case it is time to try and repair tnem.
Read what others have to say and welcome to the forum.
Like others I will be watching your progress with interest.

[Jenniferathome]

...Now with all the lies and misleadings I do not blame my wife for the way she feels. I can only hope and pray that she can forgive me and accept me for who I am.

Stevie, marriages do not end because of cross dressing. CDing can be the straw that broke the camels back but if your foundation is strong, you can come to some arrangement. It may be that she wants nothing to do with it but that will be her choice. Make sure you come clean on absolutely everything. She is wondering "what next?" There can't be a "next" that she discovers.


... even if you hadn't lied..... you would still be toast if she was unaccepting....

That is true Karen. You can't force acceptance. All you can hope for is understanding.

[Lorileah]

She told me that if she knew this before we got married that things would be different .

That is true. But in what way? The one thing for sure is that the trust issue would not be involved right now. Having a very different perspective of "love", I believe that if you had told her early and you had talked it out you would still be married. But in today's world so many marry for reasons beyond loving the person, not the image.

Right now you have crashed your equity in the marriage. How far did the stock drop? Who knows but like any other investment, if you hang on it will rise again. You can help this out by talking and communicating. I agree with others that your wife would benefit greatly from visiting here and becoming a member so she can talk to other GG's as well as other TG's. She started with the classic misunderstanding...the gay card. As you will see most TG's are straight married men, good providers, great fathers and husbands, honorable, hard working and everything you would want in a husband. Give her time to get over the trust issue and see that beyond the clothes, you are the same person you were last week. :)

Communicate......

[SandraV]

Having very recently told my wife of 15 years (what is it with the 15 year mark?) I can totally relate. You didn't ruin her life by coming out to her. You made a mistake in hiding this part of you for reasons all of us who deal with some form of CDing/transgender feelings understand.

Remember, CDing with all its complications and variations is something she very likely never thought much about. Now its been dropped front and center into her life, along with the fact that she feels lied to. She now knows you have been doing this behind her back. Every time you dressed amounts to a lie to her. On top of all this, she is confused as to what this means for you. I know, it sucks. It took my wife a few days to even begin to talk about what all this meant, and even longer to begin to try to get past the lies and my hiding such an integral part of my life from her. Regardless of how you feel, you need to show her how much you love her and be patient with her. And more important than anything else, now is the time for you to come clean to her on everything. You need to regain her trust. Any more surprises will only make things worse.

Sorry to be so negative. Sounds like your wife is feeling a lot like mine did. Hang in there. Be fully honest. Show her as much as you can how much you still love her and that this does not change who you are. It will take some time, and as the wise Karren said, it will suck less every day.

Good luck,
Love
Sandra

[Being Paige]

Well you didn't tell or come out to your wife first, she found your stuff and you then had to come out and tell her, thats a big difference. I'm not one to judge as I wasn't so truthfull with my wife either and by the looks of it there are a lot of us in that same boat. We can only live and learn!

[SandraInHose]

I have been dressing secretly now for about 15 years and for the most part like it that way. Recently my wife found my hiding spot and I finally told her this is what I like to do. She isn't ok with it. She believes that I'm gay because of it. I told her I'm not. She doesn't approve of it but is willing to go along with it as long as I let her know. Deep down I feel like I ruined her life. She told me that if she knew this before we got married that things would be different .

Our stories are remarkably similar. Nine years ago she discovered my stash, after 17 yrs of marriage. Spent many hours talking, surfing the net, answering countless questions. Had to convince her I wasn't turning gay, didn't have any desire for SRS, wasn't trying to attract men, etc, etc. Once she educated herself (via numerous websites) about what crossdressing can mean to each individual, she realized my answers made sense. She grew up with a lot of brothers, the macho type-A personalities. Men, in her mind were rough and tumble, not lounging around in dresses. She still has a hard time picturing her weightlifter, hockey-playing husband wearing hose and heels.

She also told me at the time that had we not been together so long, she wouldn't have stayed. And like your wife, she felt betrayed, lied to, deceived, etc, and that hurt her almost as much as the activity itself. Unfortunately our sex life has dwindled because of this issue, although there are other issues involved there.

My advice is to show her as much as she can take regarding crossdressing websites that explain our needs and desires in a positive light. But do NOT push it and do not expect her thoughts to change overnight...these things take time. As she put it to me once...she married a manly man, and asked how I would feel if she wanted hairy legs, wanted to wear a necktie, and wanted to wear a fake mustache...would I be attracted to her like that? That did put things in perspective, and I definitely would NOT like that, so I see her side as well. Hasn't stopped me from dressing, but she wants no part of it. It's my thing when I'm home alone only.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Stevie, It's a sad thing when your wife feels that she's been betrayed it will
not be easy to regain her trust te ball is in your court now.

[Gwen01]

Hi Stevie,
What helped in our marriage was easing my wife into what I had already known...that this was a part of me that I wanted to explore.
Maybe small steps and a seriously direct and to the point talk with her will help? The two of us still have issues we deal with, it's just that with acceptance,
those issues become smaller ones. I really do hope this helps.
-Gwen

[alora872]

The see-saw effect is what I am going through. Sometimes it is not a big deal at all and at other times I want nothing to do with it. But no matter what he is wearing --- male or female clothes, he is still the same goofy guy I walked down the aisle to and said "I do"

[alora872]

Wife of Gwen01 and he is right we need to continually talk and talk and talk. He gets annoyed when we talk about the same part of it more than once. He still has that traditional man we already discussed it so it's done and solved. Sometimes women need alittle more assurance so re-discussing sometimes gives us that. I don't know about other wives but at times CD makes me feel very insecure not just in myself, but in our relationship.

[alora872]

Stevie,

It does take time. I could not take it all in in one day at one time. Bits and pieces for me. Sometimes its more like one step forward and two steps back but so far we keep progressing. It is the mindset that the marriage is important no matter what. Once you have that you will try everything to keep it alive.

[Sara Jessica]

Remember, it is the "lie" not really cross dressing that is the offense. Women hate that the truth was withheld.

This is generally true but in my case, I disclosed prior to marriage and despite the fact she married me anyway, I often think that this thing of ours is largely incompatible with marriage, short of acceptance of course which seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Is DADT fair to both individuals? Are boundaries fair if they make both sides miserable? At the end of the day, is any of this fair to the women in our lives given that many would wish this whole thing away if given half a chance?

This may sound as if it comes from a person who is down about their relationship. Far from the case. Instead, it's just my lingering thoughts after years of reflection. I truly feel for all women who struggle with this in their SO.

[Maria S]

I think after 15 years of marriage she would know whether you are gay or not. Try not to rub her nose in it and ensure your non dressing life continues as normal. It will show your wife that it does not interfere with your married life and in turn you are continuing to have the best of both worlds.

Maria

[alora872]

My hubby told me before we were married. I know I did not take it very seriously because he did not put it that way to me. He put it that he just wanted to learn all about women to enhance our relationship and make it stronger for better understanding. I tried to do the same. The realism of it didn't hit me until later on when he explained it much better, but we are going on our five year anniversary this summer.

[pink.switch.love]

You didn't lie - right? you just didn't tell her - right?

Or did she ask "Are you a crossdresser?" and you replied "No"

HUGE difference to full human beings... somebody that has a developed sense of empathy will understand.

Don't put guilt on yourself over it either...

Society forced you to be uncomfortable with your desires. You felt guilt, shame, self loathing, dirty, disgusting etc etc etc.
You didn't make a mistake not telling her - you couldn't. Among the reasons why may lie the fact that it was clear to you that she wasn't close enough to you to understand. Why did you marry this woman if you couldn't tell her your deepest secret?

"She told me that if she knew this before we got married that things would be different ."

You got anything else on this? What does that mean? that she would have been ok with it or she would not have married you? Probably the latter right? And now she's going to hang in there because of kids or the house or whatever other things you have intertwined? bad idea.

Try therapy...

I'm with somebody now that enjoys me in all my forms and I recommend it highly. If she's going to hold a grudge and not understand your situation, misidentify you, look down at you etc... its not going to be good for either of you.

All these other people telling you to keep it low key? Naaa... Put it all out there instead. You are *better* than a guy that doesn't CD. Don't be ashamed of what you like - it is interesting - it is a desirable feature of you. I'm not saying go public and all that - but if its just you and her - put your heels on baby and show her. There is nothing wrong with you or what you do.

You need to call Dan Savage - he might not agree with me but he can REALLY help you.

Dan page (http://post.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLovePodcast/page)

Pink Switch Love

[Jeannie]

HI Stevie and welcome to the forum. I came out to my wife just a couple years after we married. She brought the subject up while talking about her ex husband (he was abusive to her and the children) so I took the opportunity and told her. We talked about it while we were driving and she asked all the standard questions which I answered to her satisfaction. I told her that I just didn't want to hold that secret about myself and had been wanting to tell someone but didn't trust any of my friends but I trusted her. She appreciated that I told her and we both promised then and there that we would not hold secrets and that whatever we wanted to do we would to it together. That was 24 years ago and now she buys things for me and helps me shop and I help her shop. I just recently told that some women are longing for their husbands to go shopping with them and that she had the best of both worlds. I also have told her that what ever she wanted or needed she could have especially clothes and that I would be more than happy to help her. We both feel that we were made for each other and we are soul mates forever.

Take easy on her and one day at a time at her speed. Always be there for her when she needs you and always tell her the truth about this. I sincerely hope that everything woks out for.

[allesha10]

I have been wrestling with this very topic for many years. I lost my last wife to disclosure, and even though being remarried, I don't know if I want to try that again. Any advise?

[AmyGaleRT]

It always seems to go worse when the SO finds the clothes, as opposed to when her CD partner just tells her. I asked my fiancee, "How would it have gone if you had found my clothes, instead of me just telling you?" She told me she would have asked, "What are your ex-wife's clothes still doing here?", and then, after I explained that they were in fact mine, she would have wound up in the same sort of acceptance she has now, but she would have "kicked my ass" for having hid it from her. So the outcome would have been worse, albeit only slightly.

I do feel your hurt, Stevie. I hope you and your wife manage to work through this.

- Amy

[Jacqueline Winona]

Stevie, tough, tough times, I feel for you. Allesha- as you can see from this very thread,and from your own experience, it's a difficult topic to discuss. I don't think I ahve to tell you that this by itself can irreparably harm your marriage. You and only you have an idea about how receptive your wife will be. And it really could go either way, not knowing your wife I can't tell you any more. I agree that its better she not find out on her own, but if the consequences are most likely going to devestate your marriage, be extremely careful of what you say.

[JamieG]

That is tough Stevie. Know you have our sympathy. I was fortunate enough to work up the courage to tell my wife instead of being discovered. Even then, we had a long rough patch. Although no one can guarantee a positive outcome, if you work hard to be open, truthful, and loving from here on out, you maybe able to regain her trust and end up in an even better spot than you were before she found out you crossdress. I know that's the case with my wife and I.

[pink.switch.love]

I have been wrestling with this very topic for many years. I lost my last wife to disclosure, and even though being remarried, I don't know if I want to try that again. Any advise?

You got married again and didn't tell the new wife?
Yeah... I have advice for you - tell her.
If you can't trust her with your deepest secrets - it's not worth being married to her.
If she can't be with you over it then so be it - find a new woman and be upfront!

[Mimi]

Stevie--you've had years to process this aspect of who you are. She's trying to process what you've known for years in the matter of a few days. It will take her a long time, and how she feels today is not necessarily how she feels tomorrow or next week or next month. Within that, her feelings are likely to fluctuate between being okay and feeling shocked and betrayed. It is normal. Just keep letting her know how much you love her and how important she is in your life. She might also want to become a member of this forum. Reading the posts of other spouses and CDers helped me to come to terms with the fact that this was an integral and important part of my spouse, and also it gave me a place to talk about my feelings.

[DanielleO]

My Girlfriend found these Two links that might help explain , maybe http://www.gendertree.com/Helping%20Wives%20Of%20Cross%20Dresers.htm and http://differentspirits.hubpages.com/hub/Loving-My-Crossdressing-Partner-Not-Just-Dealing-With-Him

[Breeze]

Hi there! I am new to the forum as a GG who has recently found out about her CDing husband (of 18 years.)
I was relieved to find out what the secret he had been holding on so tightly for so many years was that he enjoys CDing. He wasn't having affairs and there wasn't another woman. It was something that I could join in with too! I can't express how important it was to me when he told me and how close we have now become. Previous to this I had a hunch that he was hiding something but could never put my finger on what it was. He was a tightly coiled spring that has now become looser and more relaxed.
It didn't cross my mind that he was gay just that he wanted to explore his feminine side more. I am sorry to hear that your wife feels this way but I wanted to let you know that not all GG think that way.
This forum has helped us both so much with any fears or worries that we have had. Questions that we didn't have the answers to have been offered and shared with in this safe community.

[Tibby]

I have been wrestling with this very topic for many years. I lost my last wife to disclosure, and even though being remarried, I don't know if I want to try that again. Any advise?

You need to remember that your new wife is a completely different person to the last wife, don't judge her on how she may react by the actions of your past wife. You may find that the last marriage had others problems which the CDing just topped off and this became the reason for the break instead of any other problems. Keeping this secret from your new wife will only lead to problems, she will begin to feel you are hiding something from her and she will likely jump to all sorts of conclusions, CDing will likely be the last thing she thinks of though. My advice to you would be to tell her, but really make it clear that this in no way changes the person who she loves and that it does not mean you love her any less. The longer the secret goes on the longer the problems can form. Going all out and saying, Hi love I'm a crossdresser may not be a good idea, but maybe doing it gently, like first making a comment that you love the feel of ladies underwear or some other item. Do it gently, be supportive or her and most of all give her reassurance.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Not a fair comment, Pink, we don't know enough to give "advice" like this.

You got married again and didn't tell the new wife?
Yeah... I have advice for you - tell her.
If you can't trust her with your deepest secrets - it's not worth being married to her.
If she can't be with you over it then so be it - find a new woman and be upfront!

[chrismy]

some of these folks opinions that they put out as a factual statement ... should be disregarded. marriages do not end because of cross dressing ...how could anyone possibly have the data to make this statement??? its gonna be a one day at a time deal where there will be very bad days. going through a similar life . we will see, wont we? good luck for you..

[Anita_2]

Give a time to your wife and that can change lot of things in my experience there are 3 par of accepting cd by womens:
1.Typical is “You are gay” - that is opinion of lot a people (I have not meet real gay which is interested in women lingerie they are interested in mens underwear becouse they are sex oriented on men – TG are different question of CD or Gay population – talk little to her about this)
2.Rejecting to accept CD (that is short period if you have patience to explain all few times but without aggressive communication and with lot of explanation – women like if you tell that you are women fetish orientation in princip you like all things which are in connection with womans – that is logical)
3.Accepting or rejecting all (that is in depence of what type of person is she – if she will ask for help friends or mama forget all – if some of her girl friend has a husband which is CD very often they will tel “shocking he is not normal” but at house they will be ok with man and may be interested and support in that because they wont to look like ideal family).
4.Try to tell her about wearing only few things to house as are pantyhose, stockings or may be bra as underwear – if she accept that that is good beginning)
Any how we have to make decision about persons which are our life partner sometimes is not question CD but how you will do something else in life and that can be beginning of end, only people dont understand CD mention which is covering few type of persons as is TG, Latent TG which are homosexual, fetish orientation or just simple “I like it because I feel good to be different person” and etc ….