Ask a Transexual [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Badtranny

01-20-2013, 03:33 PM

Can I ask a question as someone that has never got a handle on the labels Nigella?
I am male but a part of my brain is female. I am not just a crossdresser, I am Suzy.

So do I qualify Nigella?
I am serious and ask this with respect to all members.

This maybe a silly question to some but it’s not to me.
Thank you,

SUZY

I think it's a good question because I think a LOT of CD's feel that way.

This section and this thread in particular is for Transsexuals only because our experience is unique in the sense that our lives change outwardly regardless of how we feel about it sometimes. In this thread, anyone is allowed to ask a question about TS issues but only TS people are allowed to answer because only TS people have experienced it.

As an example. My transition is legally complete by any measure except for the final cut. (SRS) My name and gender are changed and I live AND WORK full time as a woman. I don't think anyone can argue my TS credentials now but before I transitioned I had no right to answer questions as if I had.

An argument can be made that I was ALWAYS transsexual I just hadn't transitioned yet so my opinion should be considered valid.

The problem is, while my opinion might have been valid back then, it was still not born of experience so it was purely speculation. When I talk about TS issues now, I don't have an opinion, I have empirical evidence from my very own experience. I know that everyone is different and every experience is different but when I say something happened, I mean it actually happened to me. It's not what WOULD happen or what SHOULD happen, it's actually what happened. I have lived it for better or for worse.

Someday my RLE will have been fulfilled and I will be eligible for SRS, which means I may have some questions from my sisters who have done it. If I posted the question in the open forum I am sure that many people who have NOT done it would have plenty to say about it, but I would obviously only be interested in the experiences of the girls who have been there and done that.

That's what this thread is about. If somebody has a question about name and gender changes, there is a number of us who can answer. Same for lipo, or breast augmentation, or HRT results, or any number of things that may interest somebody for whatever reason about transsexualism. Someone who identifies very strongly as a TS but has not begun transition would have very little to add in a discussion about transition.

Inna

01-20-2013, 03:43 PM

Darn, so my post here will be deleted as well as I am a woman with transsexual past. Gosh, I can't fit anywhere but with my girlfriends sipping on red wino and discussing our simple minded yet gorgeous-delicious boyfriends.
It is a tough life, but someone got to do it!...............................

Sincerely, GcG
Genetically Challenged Girl

Kaitlyn Michele

01-20-2013, 11:46 PM

i think melissa that's exactly right... i misunderstood the question a little bit.

Barbara Ella

01-21-2013, 12:09 AM

Kaitlyn Michele

01-21-2013, 01:32 AM

It's totally ok to ask questions and discuss serious life changing issues.

If you can't say for sure that you identify as ts. Then you are on the question side ..

Why on earth would you care to answer questions "as a ts" until you ACCEPT YOURSELF as one. Wanting to answer questions make no sense...I don't answer questions posed to genetic women even tho I may have opinions

It is not my place or anyone elses to accept you. Based on your question it's very clear you should not be answering questions posed specifically to ts women

Basically what you are saying is that this would be an appropriate place for you to identify as ts even though you don't(yet) This is not about you.

Badtranny

01-21-2013, 02:27 AM

Aside from the personal identification and acceptance of being transsexual, what does it take for other women to accept it in me (or anyone else)?

Well I guess what we're talking about is two levels of acceptance then. First you have to accept yourself and then everybody else has to accept you. As far as I'm concerned the self acceptance is the hardest part, or at least it was for me. I didn't want to be gay, then I didn't want to be trans, but eventually I wanted to be happy so I finally accepted my fate.

Then I went to work on the second part, being accepted by the world as a woman or at least a transsexual woman. Which brings us back to the quoted question; What does it take? All it takes is the work. The coming out, the name change, etc, etc. I was just remembering today, that first day I went to work as Melissa. Wow that was so terrifying I can hardly believe I did it now. That was the beginning of my transition. My first day full-time. The total abandonment of the persona that I insisted was a fraud.

I personally have no trouble believing you are a TS and it makes no difference to me if you EVER transition but until you do, you really don't have any business advising the girls that are or want to. That's really all this thread is about. Nigella just wants the people who are actually suffering the slings and arrows of transition to answer whatever question of whomever may be interested. I can honestly tell you that what I THOUGHT about transition and what I EXPERIENCED have been mostly completely different things. I had some pretty firm opinions back in January 2010 and let's just say it's been a learning experience.

Transition ain't for sissies. I was just chatting with a sister earlier on FB today and we talked about a couple of things that just reminded me how rough it was for me a couple of years ago. The uncertainty of it all, the sad reality that some people will never accept no matter what. Yet here we are, no Man Hat to hide under, no beard to grow and no rest from the constant scrutiny. This is what we signed up for right? The question is when do YOU plan to sign on? If you want acceptance from us, then you have to join us in this weird life of transition. Otherwise, you're just another person who is NOT transitioning, which is pretty much everyone else.

Michelle.M

01-21-2013, 09:38 PM

When did you consider yourself to be transexual?

I think that's an excellent question!

I knew from a very early age that I was different, but it took many more years before I had enough information to know there was a name for it and to give context to what I was feeling.

Even after that I was too scared to apply that information to myself until I simply couldn't live with the inner conflict any longer. I sought therapy and was finally able to not only accept that I was a transsexual but to embrace it and to begin my transition

Aside from the personal identification and acceptance of being transexsual, what does it take for other women to accept it in me (or anyone else)?

Personally, I never worried about that. I worried more about making the inner changes I needed to make and then I knew that other stuff would follow.

But societal acceptance IS part of the process, regardless of what others might think. In her book "Whipping Girl", Julia Serrano identifies 3 criteria which must be met for one to be properly gendered -

1. I identify myself as a woman

2. I live as a woman

And I'll add that I live as a woman in whatever way I define that, just as genetic women do

3. Others identify me as a woman and treat me accordingly

All of these are linked and irrevocable. You can't self-identify and not live as a woman and expect anyone to gender you as a woman.

I pose this respectfully as I am fighting in my mind daily whether it could or could not be real, that I am finding each day that I have less and less use for what I was.

As did I, and I expect that many others' experience is very similar. That's part of the self-discovery process.

Rianna Humble

01-22-2013, 05:27 AM

Can I ask a question as someone that has never got a handle on the labels Nigella?

I am not Nigella, but it is clear to me that anyone can ask a question about transsexuality with the intent of gaining a reply from transsexuals.

I am male but a part of my brain is female. I am not just a crossdresser, I am Suzy.

You are most probably transgender, but the fact that you define yourself as male with part of your brain being female suggests that you are not transsexual.
So whilst you qualify to ask questions in this thread, by the definitions in the original post, you would not qualify to answer them.

This maybe a silly question to some but it's not to me.

IMNSHO the only silly question is the one you are too afraid to ask.

As I understand it, the point of this thread is for people to ask questions for Transsexuals to answer based upon their experience. Many fine upstanding members of this site can theorise about what it is like to be transsexual, just like I can theorise about what it is like to be cisgendered, but unless you are living it, you cannot know from experience what it is like.

Barbara Ella

01-23-2013, 01:40 AM

Thank you all for your responses. The one point I was getting at was, what would a woman, that is, you women here, use as a criteria to judge me qualified to post here, since to post here I must be judged, and passed on. I care not what society thinks. But at such time as i finally accept what I know to be true, will i be deemed sufficently qualified to respond to posts here, or must I progress further than merely knowing and declaring what i know is my true makeup, ie, must I progress to HRT, must I present 24/7, must I undergo electrolysis, must I have GRS. At this moment I have sufficient experiences to comment on what I have experienced.

At present i would never even consider responding to a question here, that would be presumptious, and I never claimed I would, only that I do have experiences, up to a point that would be valid, if and when.

And i must go with Nigella's OP. This is not for discussions only about the throes of transitioning level transexuals. It is specifically for anyone IDENTIFYING AS TRANSEXUAL. Not with any restriction as to any progress or plans.

To clarify, i know I am female in a male body. I have not accepted that, as if I accept it, I must sit down and have a talk with the wife. I am not ready for that yet.

So, my question is this. For those who were married when they accepted their transexual nature, and your wife was aware of your penchant for dressing, when you finally accepted yourself, how long before you had the talk with your wife?

Oh, one last point, Yes Kaitlyn, it is about me, just as it is about any person asking a question. When someone asks a question, they are the only person that matters when I answer their question. I am a big girl and can take it, but did you intend it to be a self serving put down?

Barbara

Rianna Humble

01-23-2013, 05:27 AM

OK, my question is this, and addressed to Melissa specifically, but others please answer. When did you consider yourself to be transexual? I agree i could never discuss any aspect of transition, but i could (and think I do) have thoughts on the other elements you mentioned that would be quite valid and appropriate. Aside from the personal identification and acceptance of being transexsual, what does it take for other women to accept it in me (or anyone else)?

At the risk of appearing to be flippant, I considered myself to be transsexual after all my defensive strategies had broken down. Even when I joined this site (as my introductory thread would bear out), I didn't want to be transsexual - even though I knew deep down that I am.

The question raised by the OP is not whether you "consider yourself transsexual", but whether you "identify as transsexual" and there is a necessary step from one to the other that can only be taken by the individual taking action to openly identify his/her self.

IMNSHO, if you have identified yourself elsewhere on this forum as being TS - even if not in transition - I would have difficulty with someone saying you should not be allowed to answer some questions in this thread. However, trying to interpret the intention of the OP, I think that answers should be based on experience rather than theory or on fantasy.

I must stress that this is only my opinion, I cannot speak for anyone other than myself.

To clarify, i know I am female in a male body. I have not accepted that, as if I accept it, I must sit down and have a talk with the wife. I am not ready for that yet.

By your definition, you do not identify as being transsexual. You acknowledge the condition, but if you do not accept it for yourself then you cannot identify as TS. This is the essential step of which I wrote earlier in this post.

Deborah_UK

01-25-2013, 01:22 PM

One for the post-ops please.

How soon after your op were you able to start driving again? (a car with a clutch specifically - I think you Americans call them a "stick shift")

Jorja

01-25-2013, 01:24 PM

One for the post-ops please.

How soon after your op were you able to start driving again? (a car with a clutch specifically - I think you Americans call them a "stick shift")

It was 8 weeks for me but then that was 25 years ago.

Kaitlyn Michele

01-25-2013, 05:48 PM

i flew home 9 days after my surgery and I drove 2 weeks after my surgery

Jorja

01-25-2013, 07:36 PM

Was that with a manual shift car?

jocelyn_victoria

01-30-2013, 01:22 AM

I identify as female in all aspects of my life except at work because i feel forced to be "male". my housemate and quite a few friends see me as a female.
I am female everywhere except at work and it kills me. I am at a job that requires a hotel for quite a few days out of the year. the problem is i have to room with a coworker and this is where it is interesting. i have to stay with the men but im a female. I love my job but i'm unhappy and depressed because i feel i have to hide who I am. i don't give up my job because it is special to me. I know this is not a new subject but i'm a new person and would like some advice. if i come out at work it will require a separate hotel room thus costing work more money and very likely to put them in a frame of mind to find a reason to make it cost less if you know what I mean. i don't work in a store or behind a desk or anything else but i do have to room with other people which will make them uncomfortable as 90% of them are homophobic.
what should I do? i'm lost and depressed. i haven't the time to see the therapist as I am always on the road.

the question is those that have, how did you come out and how did work respond?

arbon

01-30-2013, 08:04 PM

What are you doing otherwise to transition? Hair removal, are you saving money for srs, are you on hrt? what are you doing and what is your plan? Maybe you need to start a plan. Can you be working on all that until you can legally and physically transition and then they will have to allow you with the other women (hopefully) or until a better idea of what you should do presents itself?

nikkijo

02-05-2013, 09:45 AM

I guess no one wants to be first...
Here's a personal one. I was sexually abused when i was younger and as coping mechanism choose to blame all transsexual feelings/compulsions on that past. I dismissed them as false until I could deny it no longer. Were you abused? Did it cloud your acknowledging yourself?

i started to feel different than the other kids around 3rd grade but i also had alot of other problems that surfaced at that same time too and i didnt fully comprehend what all my body was trying to do. in 5th grade i was sexually assaulted and Physically abused by my teacher. and was in counciling for that event until I attempted Suicide in 8th grade. at this point in my life i knew enough to be dead Silent about who i was because of the lack in acceptance i had recieved about the other problems that overshadowed my transgender feelings.... by end of 8th grade i knew for sure what i wanted and started slowly changing my attire.. and other things that i could get away with without getting in trouble.. by end of 8th grade i was a total wreck due to the effects of puberty and other outward issues i had... i then learned to hide who i was until i came out at age 29... i never should have hidden.. i should have been honest and taken the fact my parents would have done anything to not go through the pain they went through when i was wanting to die as a child. yes i was abused... does it effect who i am sure to some extent... does it change WHO i am NO..

Rianna Humble

02-05-2013, 06:12 PM

Here's a personal one. I was sexually abused when i was younger and as coping mechanism choose to blame all transsexual feelings/compulsions on that past. I dismissed them as false until I could deny it no longer. Were you abused? Did it cloud your acknowledging yourself?

I have never been abused so I can only sympathise with you. I believe it is a natural part of the denial that many of us experience to try to find something to "blame" for the way that we were born.

As terrible as the abuse must have been, IMNSHO it was not the cause of you being born transsexual, neither was it the root cause of your Gender Dysphoria, however, I am equally sure that it is something you need to deal with before you will be able to fully accept yourself. Please remember that it is never the victim's fault.

Megan70

02-14-2013, 10:15 AM

ASK A TRANNY QUESTION # 341

This question is serious absolutely non critical one for the moderator Nigela, as well as BadTranny, Kaitlyn and others who are or truly consider themselves Transsexual... either pre-op, post op, transgendered and living (and have been) as a woman. 'Here it is, with some clarification.:
FAMILY, FRIENDS,RELATIVES. How do you tell them , when they learn about you for the first time, see you the first time at the likes of Weddings, wakes, Christmas and Easter Dinners, Family reunions(from really disconnected far away unknowing relatives)Family Birthday Parties where there are small children involved but you must attend i.e.sibling, nephew, cousin.... all of these when you show up as a woman , your sincere chosen gender, and not try to dress androgously, but have the breasts, hair makeup, voice, deportment. There must be SOME sort of problems , some may be shocked, speechless, those who only heard tha family gossip but no to see the person ...Those some of the time, either shunning, mocking, maybe hostility , disowning by some. Now I know the standard universal answer is, I am me, I am doing what I feel I need to do for myself and my gender and I don't care, but the reality of it is... others DO whether you like it or not, and you have that hard choice of either biting the bullet and showing up that very first time to break the ice at any of the events mentioned above or write off your family friends,relatives who have disowned you or turned their back on you or friends who abandoned you. For some it must be a very lonely life and a heart wreatching decision to make.
But again what do you do when those social event occur? Do you show up as YOU?
This again is a respective question and I'm very curious to its answer.
Megan

Rianna Humble

02-14-2013, 11:53 AM

Although the only moderator specified was Nigella, I still fit under the heading of those who are transsexual (just as well since no-one else can answer in this thread).

I took the time to contact my relatives individually (for the most part) to tell them about my transition before they ever had to see the real me.

There was one exception right near the start of my transition where I was invited to my niece's wedding on another continent. I decided that to make a display of my transition at such an early stage would have detracted from her big day, so out of respect for her I went as the old me. I had previously informed the parents of the bride (my brother and sister-in-law both of the transition and the fact that I would be suspending it for her wedding weekend).

I have been fortunate enough to have no negative reactions from my family. Even though my brother did not feel able to discuss with me at his daughter's wedding weekend, he did talk to his children about me after that time and they immediately sought me out on facebook to ask if we could be on-line friends.

My greatest fear when coming out was the effect it would have on my extremely aged father who is in very frail health, but he has been absolutely amazing in his support.

With respect to the rest of my family, I had already passed the point where I was willing to lose them if it meant finally becoming whole. As is often the case in my experience, if you are prepared to lose something, you can then be pleasantly surprised when you don't.

arbon

02-14-2013, 01:21 PM

The family that have seen me - mom, wife, daughter, brother, the in-laws and one uncle. I have talked to my sister but have not seen her. My dad he died this last november he had not seen me, I am not sure how he really felt about me :( The uncle has only seen me once - he was nervous about it and did not really say anything to me. I have a niece and nephew that I talk to on-line. The rest of the family have not seen them and I did not feel it was that important for me to talk to and let them know about my transition, they all found out anyway through my mom and the grapevine - when they do see me again they will see me as me - what they think I don't really care to be honest.

My mother in-law is cool with me but my father in-law the last two christmases said I could only go to his house if I went as a man. Even though holidays 2011 I was still presenting as male sort of for work I was not willing to present as male outside of work so I said no then, and this last holiday after having changed my name and having my big show down at work to be me there was absolutly no way am I presenting as male for anyone ever again. Its not happening.

My brother is getting married this summer and he was giving me some friendly crap about going - "there are going to be the indians, the mormons, the cowboys and the drunks, and then there is all of her family, and then there's going to be YOU, dear brother, in a dress!" He is so looking forward to his wedding! :D So am I, I am going to dress nice! But I think he is upset as he was the best man at my wedding but how do I fit into his? And I think he really is worried about how people will react to my being there.

Transitioning is hard.

Nigella

02-14-2013, 02:21 PM

I'm not 100% sure who in my family really know how far I have gone. My mother passed before I identified as TS, my father I have not seen in 25 years, my siblings, well the last time we met was at mums funeral. My eldest brother and younger sister know me on facebook, and my sister has identified me as her sister.

We lost one family, who broke contact when we told them, the rest have stayed with us and are very supportive. I have been transitioning in my workplace, initially I identified as full time CD, and again I am accepted for who I am, not what I am.

If I am asked questions, I am 100% honest and have made it quite clear that unless a question is too personal, I will answer it.

I have not yet been in a situation where my gender could be an issue.

Megan70

02-14-2013, 02:29 PM

To Nigella and Arbon, I am getting exactly the inquistive answers I have been looking for. Thanks, elaborate more if you wish and others keep them coming. I'm particularlyinterested in somber ocassions like Wakes, and joyest ones like weddings were relatives appear that you haven't seen in years or know nothing of your transitioning.

Badtranny

02-14-2013, 04:36 PM

What you're describing here Megan is nothing but the gritty truth about what coming out is. It is HARD to do.

I was 'openly transitioning' for a year before I finally went full time, so I was one of those 'almost full-timers' that thought I knew everything about what I was doing. Let me tell you something, talking about transition and doing it are two very different things. I was telling everyone I saw that I was TS and I was transitioning and I was going to have some feminization surgeries and yadda yadda yadda. Then, ...I did it, and wow. Going from the gender queer presentation to the full time female was a real eye opener.

I went full time after my trip to Mexico which meant that I'd had some work on my face as well as some D sized breasts installed. The face work wasn't so radical that I couldn't still easily pass as a dude if I wanted to, but the boobs are a whole different story. They're large Cohesive Gel implants so there is no hiding those suckers. What I'm saying is, there was no going back after that. One day I was a dude who was transitioning and the next day I was a woman who HAD transitioned. Wherever I go now, I get there a couple of seconds after my boobs do, and I do my best to look the part because pass or not, there I am.

If you can't imagine interacting with everyone than maybe you should consider that there's a reason for that. I am not a big believer in those people who pick and choose where they will be 'themselves'. You either have the courage of your convictions, or you don't.

Kaitlyn Michele

02-14-2013, 04:37 PM

you just do it...that's really the answer..you just walk right in the door...if there are close personal people that you deeply care for and you feel its important..tell them in advance...a phone call is best, maybe followed by a letter or email with information..and then let the chips fall...you don't owe a cousin or aunt you havent seen in 10 yrs anything more than your kinship and good nature...

if asked just say "yes its me uncle charlie...".....and whatever happens will happen..
================

my mom died last feb...200+ people at her funeral... i did a reading, read a personal note, and stood in a receiving line with my dad and siblings...

many knew who i was...the others didnt...person after person shook my hand and gave condolences...some knew who i was..some wondered who i was...some assumed i was my brothers very tall wife...i knew practically all of them, but many didn't know me..
afterwards there were some OMG!!! its you!!! moments...including having my parents old neighbor that helped raise me tell me he thought i was hot...

that night at my dad's house, we sat around the table drinking...women gave me makeup tips, asked me how long i knew, and told me they thought it was awesome or that i was courageous..

...i think you have this elevated sense of the meaning of these events...
just live your own life as best you can , and let the chips fall...

abigailf

02-14-2013, 07:58 PM

A person is born transsexual. If you are someone that thinks they are transsexual and can provide a meaningful answer to the question (meaning you can answer it distinctly) then answer it because I would like to see it.

I guess no one wants to be first...
Here's a personal one. I was sexually abused when i was younger and as coping mechanism choose to blame all transsexual feelings/compulsions on that past. I dismissed them as false until I could deny it no longer. Were you abused? Did it cloud your acknowledging yourself?

I was not abused. Although for the longest time I thought I may have been repressing memories of abuse, as way to justify being the way I was.

Was that with a manual shift car?
Really! Were you serious because honestly, I found it funny and ironic.

What are you doing otherwise to transition? Hair removal, are you saving money for srs, are you on hrt? what are you doing and what is your plan? Maybe you need to start a plan. Can you be working on all that until you can legally and physically transition and then they will have to allow you with the other women (hopefully) or until a better idea of what you should do presents itself?

- Transitioning is expensive, so start saving now. It doesn't matter what you save for because you need to do it all.
- I have dark hair and did laser and then electrolysis for the gray. I had great success with it.
- I take care of my skin and keep UV protection on my face. Despite all those expensive products ultimately you just want UV protection all the time. The sun damages your skin and that is what ages it faster.
- Surgeries are really expensive. I have SRS planned for the summer. If you work and have insurance start fighting with the insurance company. Many big companies are starting to provide benefits for it. Maybe look to start working at a company that offers such insurance benefits. My company offers insurance that covers the procedure as well as FFS, hormones, electrolysis and other things we spend money on in order to give ourselves sanity.

These physical things are great and all. The name change is awesome too, but the biggest relief of gender dysphoria comes when you start working as your proper gender.

... with some clarification.:
FAMILY, FRIENDS,RELATIVES. How do you tell them , when they learn about you for the first time, see you the first time at the likes of Weddings, wakes, Christmas and Easter Dinners, Family reunions(from really disconnected far away unknowing relatives)Family...

I am a person of process. I had to do it in an orderly fashion. I categorized my relationships as follows:
immediate - close family, friends and colleagues that I see on a regular basis
regular - family, friends and colleagues that I don't see all the time (like at weddings)
distant - everyone else.

I told all the immediate in person and in order of who I knew first. Except when they were not living near by I called.

I told the regular by email or facebook.

I did not tell the distant or I told them by showing up as me and telling them then.

With respect to major events; if they know you as your birth gender when you were invited than you are obligated to show up as such. If they were aware of your correct gender when they asked, then you can go dressed. If they were made aware afterwards or you are unsure, then ask.

If you can't go as your birth gender, then ask them and give them an opportunity to un-invite you.

This is a difficult process, probably the most difficult in all. Although I have not had SRS yet so I can not say if that is harder. So suck it up and be a man, woman or as I like to say, tranny-up.

Megan70

02-14-2013, 08:36 PM

Kaitlyn Michele

02-14-2013, 10:11 PM

megan you gotta get this off your mind ...

you can't control others...what is it about distant relatives?? seriously...who cares...that's why they are DISTANT relatives..

for me personally, i never heard one bad comment from loved ones near me or from afar..
others have had their whole families turn their back...i know one girl that was chased out of the house with a shotgun..
there is no way to really predict which will happen in advance

Badtranny

02-15-2013, 01:39 AM

Question though Did any of the regular or distant category of people disavow you, turn their back or think what you "were doin" was disgusting.

I don't know and I don't care. This is who I am. I can't change it, and I know this because I tried every angle to change it since I first realized I wasn't a girl (5 years old people). Maybe they did and maybe they're right. Maybe I am a freak, but there's not a whole hell of a lot I, or they can do about it. If there is indeed a man upstairs, this is the way he made me, and who am I to argue with a freakin' deity? I'm just a damn tranny.

...and a bad one at that.

Jorja

02-15-2013, 08:07 PM

Megan, my family and friends were totally against me and yes, most disavowed me. They did think what I was doing was disgusting. Remember though, for me it was 30 years ago when all of this took place. Attitudes and beliefs were a lot different back then.

I didn't care. I knew what I had to do so I could go on living. Things were really bad for about 4 years. Being the determined type I moved forward. As these people saw my success and saw how much of a better person I was, that icy feeling started to melt away. Within about 3 years I had won back all but one. He held out until just this past Christmas. We finally came back together and everything is as it should be.

abigailf

02-15-2013, 08:18 PM

.....". I like to say, tranny-up"
Wow, what an answer! way to go.
You got balls girl ( at least for a while)
Question though Did any of the regular or distant category of people disavow you, turn their back or think what you "were doin" was disgusting.

I couldn't tell you for the most part. Since they are distant I did not have all that much value on the relationship. Though most of those I have spoken to since seem okay. I don't think they really care either as they have as much value in the relationship as I do. If I did have value, then they wouldn't be distant, right?

Even the regular relationships were not really that important. The only relationships I cared about were my wife, kids, mother, siblings and a handful of very close friends.

I was okay with it if I lost relationships as a result. If I killed myself they would be over anyway. Though when my wife left me, I realized that was the only relationship I was not willing to lose. Still there was nothing I can do about it. I am who I am and I could not change that, not even for the one relationship I did not want to lose.

I am paying for something in my past, I don't know what it is yet, but something.

Anyway, I only have one public service comment: if you proceed to transition then be prepared to lose everything, because it can happen.

docrobbysherry

02-15-2013, 08:56 PM

Post ops inquiry: By that, I mean those that have completed every type of surgery they wished for their transition.

You've finally finished traversing your long, difficult, personal Yellow Brick Road. And, u now stand in front of your mirror and you've finally become the woman you've always felt u were.

My question is: Did a switch click inside u? As you're aware your days as a struggling trans r over and your female life begins? Maybe it happened later? Maybe you're still waiting? If it happened to u, I've always wondered what that sudden reality change mite feel like?

I realize that some that have felt that don't visit here anymore. They may be too busy living their new life to bother checking in.

Deborah_UK

02-16-2013, 04:00 AM

Doc, for me (now almost two weeks post-op and no plans for further sugery) the clue is in the word "transition", its a steady journey so I had no switch that clicked on post surgery, however what did click for me post my op was a feeling of peace, of finally not having the conflict of my body not matching my mind.

While undertaking the RLE I was living as a woman, but I always knew that there was something between my legs which did not me allow to live my life fully as a woman, whenever I went through airport security I was slightly apprehensive that a search would expose (not literally lol) that "secret" but now I am looking forward to returning to the gym; passing security with no apprehension and other areas where I may have previously been exposed.

Will I continue to check in to this site, for now definitely, if I can help others with my experience then I want to give that back, but who knows further down the line, but to sum up again

I am finally at peace with myself, and that to me is the most important feeling I've ever had in my life.

docrobbysherry

02-16-2013, 02:20 PM

Thank u, Debbie. That's exactly the feeling/moment I wondered about!

abigailf

02-16-2013, 05:09 PM

Okay, post or pre ops.

So you are dating someone and whether they know about you or not, what is it like to bring them home to your family (siblings and parents)?

I mean, at some point someone is going to slip with a "(s)he", your birth name or something else.

How awkward is that for you and for your date (and for your family)?

noeleena

02-18-2013, 03:21 AM

Hi,

My ? concerns us who are different some 10.000, most of us are not transexual or transgender, or dresser's, many of us are female yet are not entierly due to a mixup in our hormones & cromosones & other body parts , = some of us have womb's & some of us dont =.intersexed

yet we are female plus have a part of us that show's a maleness in different aspects of our being, so that being the case our brain is female mine is ill say allmost compleat as i wont say other wise because there are some aspects that i am pretty sure would be similar to male. not much as iv found out over the years, & its different for each of us .

How do trans people or transexual's see or view us,

...noeleena...

Jorja

02-18-2013, 03:27 PM

If I understand your question Noeleena, we view you as another person that life has dealt a cruel hand. You do the same as transsexuals do, you make your life livable and get on with it.

Tamroi

02-20-2013, 12:08 AM

Any tips for changing my voice?
Is coaching available?

kellycan27

02-20-2013, 12:50 AM

Okay, post or pre ops.

So you are dating someone and whether they know about you or not, what is it like to bring them home to your family (siblings and parents)?

It was an awesome moment for me. My mom and I were still at odds over the whole TS thing. When I showed up for a lunch date with my b/ f in tow her mouth just about hit the floor. As it turned out she already knew him from working at the same hospital ( they're both doctors). I honestly think that seeing him with me was a turning point for my mom. From then on she took me a little more seriously. I ' ll never forget the expression on her face.... Priceless!
He's my husband now and she adores him!

Rianna Humble

02-20-2013, 03:14 AM

Tamroi, depending on where you live, there will be a number of options for helping you to change your voice.

I live in the South of England and voice coaching is available on the NHS.

Other options include youtube tutorials.

Serana

02-20-2013, 04:30 PM

Any tips for changing my voice?
Is coaching available?

I personally did it all solo, at home. I did have a very, very deep voice before transition also, and it take a fair few months to get on a good, constantly passing level. If you PM me about it, I'll see if I can dig out some of the old stuff I used for help and send you some links about it Tamroi. :)

If you're from the UK, it's available from the NHS and it isn't to be sniffed at, they are very good courses, from what I hear. I just didn't want to wait XD

abigailf

02-25-2013, 09:07 AM

My mom and I were still at odds over the whole TS thing...He's my husband now and she adores him!

OMG! How awesome is that? I love that story. How did you meet in the first place?

Any tips for changing my voice?
Is coaching available?

I used Kathe at http://www.exceptionalvoice.com/

LeaP

02-25-2013, 10:53 AM

Any tips for changing my voice?

Last year I spent several months concentrated time while commuting (car) practicing voice. I relied primarily on practice points I found on the web. The key ones were warming up with pitch exercises, sipping water while practicing, slowing my speech somewhat, increasing the clarity of my diction, introducing just a hint of breathiness, and focusing on pitch variability (the melodic content of the voice). I would "level set" my voice from time to time as I practiced by articulating a vowel – typically an extended "EEEEEE" sound – varying it from a very, very hard sound, slowly introducing breathiness until it became a hiss, and then reintroducing resonance until the sound was in my target range. THEN I would practice phrases.

My voice sounded highly artificial still for a long time. Variously, it was pitchy, too breathy, too strained, too male-resonant (especially with "d" "g" and "v"). That led to a period of experimentation with the openness of my throat, position of my tongue, trying to control nasality, etc.

I FINALLY achieved a halfway reasonable voice after months, though it was hard to sustain for more than a short time and was still too variable. I nailed it more and more often, though. I even had the experience of getting my voice "stuck" a few times, mostly for just a few seconds, but once for 10 - 15 minutes.

Since I like to play around with funny voices anyway, I slipped my female voice in a few times. I knew I had something workable, because when I did, it produced a startle reaction. Stopped my wife cold, in fact with a "what was THAT?"

Then, I got bronchitis, had to stop for several months, and am almost back to my starting point. :angry:

Lessons:

Record yourself and play back at least every few phrases or paragraphs. Personally, I think this THE most important tip.

Practice, practice, practice. Most have to build themselves up physically.

Whatever system you use (or create), be consistent and treat it as work, because while it is very doable, it can be hard.

kellycan27

02-25-2013, 11:58 AM

OMG! How awesome is that? I love that story. How did you meet in the first place?

He was a client of the company that I worked for, and best friend of the owner.

emmicd

02-26-2013, 01:07 AM

I know there are Transexual identified individuals who never transition though they certainly would be much better off if they could. I knew I was transgender since the age of 4. It took me 47 years to finally take action in my life to transition even with a family and a career. I am transgender. I am transexual. I am a transwoman. I am pre-op. That does not mean I am not transexual. I wonder how many self identify as transexual and who do the whole regiment of female hormones and antiandrogens, electrolysis, therapy but for whatever reasons does not do the surgery (SRS/GRS) Does this make them any less transexual. I don't think so. I know what I am and I do not need a therapist to tell me otherwise. I knew since I was a kid. It is instinctual and self preservation. For me I did not really want to commit suicide though I struggled with those feeling for a good part of my life. I've never felt better since going on hormones and doing electrolysis and working as Emily.

Thank you.

Emily

Angela Campbell

03-05-2013, 09:23 PM

Emily, your story sounds like mine, I have a lot of questions about this and get many different answers. I believe I am a transexual but I have not begun to transition yet and at the present I have no plans to. A lot of my transexual friends tell me it is just a matter of time until I change my mind. So I ask, are there any real transexuals who do not go all the way through to the end result? Can dysphoria be controlled?

Jorja

03-06-2013, 02:09 PM

@almostalady - Yes, there are many transsexuals that do not go all the way. There are as many reasons for this as there are people in the world. One big reason is simply the cost. To transition and have all the surgeries is very expensive. Many older girls feel they are just too old. That is nonsense. As long as one is in good health and can pass pre-surgery testing, there is no reason not to go forward if that is what you want.

Can the dysphoria be controlled? In some cases they say it can. It depends on how one is affected by it. For me, there was only one solution and that was GRS. I think the biggest thing is understanding what GD is and accepting that you have GD. From there you can make the decisions that are best for you.

silverfurret

04-01-2013, 07:55 PM

how much is a tracheal shave? mine is really prominent and I just came into pain and suffering money from being rear ended.

dreamer_2.0

05-27-2013, 09:46 PM

Lauren415

06-14-2013, 11:21 PM

Ok I have a question. I have been on HRT for just over a year now but I sometime feel like I don't kneed them, is that normal?

kellycan27

06-14-2013, 11:45 PM

Looks like no one has commented in a while. Hopefully that will change as I've got many questions. Let's begin with:

How old we're you when you began you're transition?
Did your age concern you at all?
How long was the transition?

I began living full time and hair removal at 20, started HRT and got implants at 24... SRS @ 27... About 7 years total
My almost 4 year RLE was spent working full time and carrying a full load in college. I would have started younger, but I had neither the resources nor the support. I am now 31.

Kimberly Kael

06-15-2013, 03:08 AM

Looks like no one has commented in a while. Hopefully that will change as I've got many questions. Let's begin with:

How old were you when you began your transition?

I started seriously planning my transition at 40. That's the year my wife and I agreed that it was the right thing to do, and the year I contacted my employer's HR department to work out a timeline. Admittedly I had already undergone extensive laser hair removal earlier, so this wasn't when I started down the path — but it is when I committed to it.

Did your age concern you at all?

Not really. I would certainly have liked to get to that point earlier in life, but I was ready when I was ready.

How long was the transition?

I spent about a year working with a therapist who specialized in gender identity, overlapping a few months with a vocal coach. I did my legal name change and associated paperwork that fall, and my social transition occurred at the end of the year. I don't tend to write much about the medical side of my transition, but I know I'm somewhat atypical in having socially transitioned long before beginning HRT. The only physical step I took beforehand was laser. As far as I'm concerned being recognized socially and legally as a woman was the most important milestone for me.

Ok I have a question. I have been on HRT for just over a year now but I sometime feel like I don't need them, is that normal?

You aren't the only one, if that's what you're asking. I don't think there's any well established benchmark for "normal" to worry about, given how far from social norms the whole topic strays. I've focused on health and happiness, because nothing else matters much in the long run.

Lauren415

06-15-2013, 05:50 PM

Ok ,thank you for your input.

dreamer_2.0

06-15-2013, 07:43 PM

I began living full time and hair removal at 20, started HRT and got implants at 24... SRS @ 27... About 7 years total
My almost 4 year RLE was spent working full time and carrying a full load in college. I would have started younger, but I had neither the resources nor the support. I am now 31.

We're the same age. Would have loved to have begun at 20, or earlier. Didn't know the possibility existed then.

kellycan27

06-16-2013, 02:31 PM

I found out that it was possible when I was 15 ..... From a man no less. I guess I'd have to credit/blame him for planting the seed of transition in my head.... Long story

Kalista Drake

06-26-2013, 07:12 PM

We're the same age. Would have loved to have begun at 20, or earlier. Didn't know the possibility existed then.

I'm 41 and I certainly did not realize it was possible. I just remember thinking as a kid "when I grow I'm going to be a woman".
I thought I would just magically change into a woman. Sadly, that didn't happen.

I started HRT at age 38.
Started elecrtrolysis about 6 months after that.
Age- wise I wished that I started earlier or at least started my electrolysis earlier.
But age doesn't bother me any more because the HRT makes me feel like a teenage girl! :heehee:
The transition is still ongoing. I haven't had the SRS yet. But I do live full time as female. :battingeyelashes:

Btw does any one else feel like a teenage girl?

dreamer_2.0

07-06-2013, 12:41 PM

For those post-op, I hope this topic isn't breaking any forum rules, how did you find living with a penis between your legs before and during transition? Did you feel any different after SRS when you looked or reached down and there was nothing there?

To me, it seems like being able to put on a pair of panties, bathing suit, jeans, whatever, without tucking would put a gigantic smile on my face. Oh how I hate having to tuck!

moniqueCD21

07-15-2013, 10:55 PM

I've got a question pertaining to singers. Does transitioning affect your voice for singing? I know it changes your voice from a bass/tenor to an alto possibly a soprano, but have any of you had difficulty singing in this new range? I'm currently a music major and transitioning has been in my mind for a while, and this question came to me.

josee

07-16-2013, 07:51 AM

HRT for MtF transitioners will not affect your voice. We have to learn a female voice through practice. I have been working on my singing voice. I sang 1st tenor in HS. I can sing in an alto range but it is all practice.

MysticLady

07-16-2013, 08:08 AM

Hello Everybody

I have an (odd?) question. This question was prompted by another thread I was reading. This question is for those who have had GRS or SRS, whichever is the correct term. When you're intimate w/ man, does it hurt versus being enjoyable? Reading about the Depth the new vagina usually is and the part of having to dilate for different purposes, is it what you had hoped for? Or, was the change not what you had expected? If 5 inches is the average depth of the vagina and if a man this is intimate w/ you is well endowed, is it more your satisfaction than his? Do you ever get the feeling he was cheated, by not being to submerge himself completely deep within you? I was just wondering.

Michelle.M

07-16-2013, 09:21 AM

Actually that's a very interesting question! As someone who has just recently taken the new equipment for a test drive I don't have extensive experience, but I can comment on my own sensations.

When you're intimate w/ man, does it hurt versus being enjoyable?

It's very enjoyable for me and does not hurt at all, but I am also very tight. So my boyfriend does not just slip right in, and it's a snug fit.

Reading about the Depth the new vagina usually is and the part of having to dilate for different purposes, is it what you had hoped for?

Hmmm . . . maybe not, but it's what I expected. The dilation part was no surprise and it's just something we do. I think we all have fantasies about depth, but I'm about 5 and a half inches and that's working just fine.

If 5 inches is the average depth of the vagina and if a man this is intimate w/ you is well endowed, is it more your satisfaction than his?

I have a hard time believing that a man could not be satisfied due to the lack of a little depth. As long as he can insert the glans and at least most of the shaft he'll probably be quite happy. As for me, once he's in I'm good and when he hits the back wall it's all technique from that point on.

Do you ever get the feeling he was cheated, by not being to submerge himself completely deep within you?

In the first place, he's having sex. With me. The word "cheated" really ought not even come into his brain.

I have a boyfriend who fits just fine, but in the case of any future guy if he's so well-endowed that more of him is on the outside than is inserted then he's too big for me anyway and we're not having sex in the first place, so it's not an issue.

And if my lack of another inch or so of depth is an issue for him then he's probably dissatisfied with every other woman as well, and there's nothing I can do about that.

Stephanie-L

07-16-2013, 04:52 PM

Monique,
Transition will not affect your singing voice, but your singing voice may affect your transition. The only way to permanently raise the pitch of your voice is by surgical shortening of the vocal folds, which is only rarely recommended. However, because you have more experience than average in controlling your voice, you probably will have an easier time transitioning your voice to female qualities. One of the therapists I worked with was also a vocal coach and she gave me some of the same exercises that singers use. You will probably have a much easier time hitting a target pitch, and I would bet your resonance and breathing are better than average also. There are many other things to work on, but as I said, you probably have a head start on them over the rest of us........Stephanie

dreamer_2.0

07-20-2013, 10:08 PM

Silly question - Is "tranny" considered a derogatory term?

Kimberly Kael

07-20-2013, 10:51 PM

Silly question - Is "tranny" considered a derogatory term?

Yes, though there are certainly many who don't feel strongly about the issue or who use the term self-descriptively. It features often enough in association with sex work of one kind or another that it's probably worth avoiding, but I won't condemn those in our community who are trying to reclaim the term. People who use it without recognizing that it is problematic tend to get an earful from me, and I sometimes wonder how I should feel about cross-dressers embracing the term when they don't have to live with the consequences 24/7.

It's also worth noting that it's somewhat regional. I understand in the UK the term isn't as controversial, and that transvestite may similarly be in more widespread use.

Badtranny

07-21-2013, 09:09 AM

Silly question - Is "tranny" considered a derogatory term?

The short answer is NO.

The long answer is we are a community full of thin skinned people who are actively searching to be offended. It's also interesting to note that a solid 80% of the people who have approached ME about my use of the term and told me they were offended by it, have not even been living the life. So in general my experience has been that most full time TS people do not consider it offensive. Some do however and to those people I say ..."tranny please".

emma5410

07-21-2013, 09:21 AM

Silly question - Is "tranny" considered a derogatory term?

I am in the UK and in my opinion it is derogatory. It is the sort of thing that drunken morons shout in the street and rad fems use when they are displaying their transphobia.

stefan37

07-21-2013, 11:28 AM

I do not think it is derogatory. I use it the time when talking to my friends, family or employees. These people know me as male and will probably still view me as male for the foreseeable future. I try not taking my transition too seriously around those close to me. I joke around all the time. I am what I am and since I am an active transitioner and at an awkward stage I view myself as a tranny at this time..

Nigella

07-21-2013, 12:06 PM

I guess it would depend upon the context it was given and the person hearing the comment. At times for me it is derogatory at others not.

Kimberly Kael

07-21-2013, 12:17 PM

The short answer is NO.

Nonsense. It may well be that you don't mind it, and that's absolutely your right. To attempt to represent the community as a whole, knowing full well that there a lot of folks who disagree? That's more than a little irresponsible. Every civil rights organization I can think of championing transgender issues cautions against the use of the term.

The long answer is we are a community full of thin skinned people who are actively searching to be offended.

That's a nice, easy answer that you can apply to any derogatory term. It doesn't change how the term tends to be used (e.g.: hot tranny mess) or why it has been deemed problematic. Groups that have been consistenctly discriminated against for long periods of time tend to get sensitive about even subtle forms of discrimination. Go figure. Of course reacting with rage doesn't help, but following up casual usage of even mild derrogatory references with a bit of education does make a difference.

It's also interesting to note that a solid 80% of the people who have approached ME about my use of the term and told me they were offended by it, have not even been living the life.

Given that transsexuals represent much less than 1% of the population, the fact that 20% of the pushback you're getting is from that community should be a hint. The fact that there are non-transsexuals expressing concern is just a sign of the times. We have allies, which is why we're making social progress because we'd never achieve it on our own. Again, I don't have any right to veto your personal adoption of any term you find endearing, but I don't think it's helpful to propagate the myth that words cannot be used to hurt people. Words are what lead to actions.

So in general my experience has been that most full time TS people do not consider it offensive.

My experience is that it's pretty mixed at the moment, but that I find far more usage among those in that rebellious period leading up to and through the first few years of transition. It will be interesting to see how the general sentiment plays out over the next few decades, but few terms survive the kind of scrutiny "tranny" has received. "Geek" is one of the few examples I can think of — and there are pretty unique circumstances elevating geeks to positions of extreme privilege and respect.

Badtranny

07-21-2013, 01:38 PM

I'm a fairly well regarded professional in my field and as an obviously transsexual woman, I leave a pretty good impression behind about people like us.

The trans community gives me nothing. The CIS world is where the money is and it is incumbent on me to fit in and make THEM feel comfortable with me. Making other trans people feel comfortable about themselves isn't really my responsibility.

If the word tranny offends you then perhaps you should have some therapy to find out why you are wiling to give away so much power.

Jorja

07-23-2013, 09:42 AM

Knowing many Transsexual women, I find the further we travel away from Trans-land and become normal functioning women in society, the less important the terminology becomes to us.

dreamer_2.0

07-24-2013, 01:33 AM

Knowing many Transsexual women, I find the further we travel away from Trans-land and become normal functioning women in society, the less important the terminology becomes to us.

I like hearing that. You're fully integrated back into the world as women, not in-betweeners or newbs. You're not fretting about whether you're a CD or a TG or a TS or a...whatever. You're able to live your life with all that garbage behind you and are more concerned with other, more important, aspects of life.

Jorja

07-24-2013, 06:35 AM

The problem is, some can never get to that point.

stefan37

07-24-2013, 07:20 AM

To get to that point of fully integrating takes a long time, and I am not even close to that point yet. At present I am at a very awkward phase for myself and those around me. Those that are there or have been there know what I talk of.

Michelle.M

07-24-2013, 07:22 AM

Knowing many Transsexual women, I find the further we travel away from Trans-land and become normal functioning women in society, the less important the terminology becomes to us.

A very keen observation, indeed. And I'd agree.

As for whether "tranny" is a derogatory term, I'd say that all the answers given so far are correct. It depends on a variety of factors such as context, who the speaker and the listener are, intent and environment.

In my experience it's kind of like using the "N-word"; insiders can use it, but outsiders can't. In the circles in which I travel we sometimes use "tranny" to describe ourselves and other trans women but we don't want civilians saying that to us or about us.

Kimberly Kael

07-24-2013, 11:19 AM

Knowing many Transsexual women, I find the further we travel away from Trans-land and become normal functioning women in society, the less important the terminology becomes to us.

Understandably so. Once we're comfortably aligned again with the gender binary there are plenty of more pressing issues that we face, challenges that have a lot more in common with the general population. Just because we've got ours doesn't mean there isn't value in considering those who are still struggling, or who have yet to begin their journey. Spending time on forums like this one and donating to causes like LGBT youth shelters isn't about enriching me – it's about paying it forward, recognizing how much I benefited from the work of many who preceded me down this road.

If the word tranny offends you then perhaps you should have some therapy to find out why you are wiling to give away so much power.

I'm offended that the transgender populace is misunderstood and derided. That so many of us struggle for decades to come to terms with who we are, knowing full well how much negativity and violence is aimed at us collectively. I don't think concern for others and a desire to make the world a better place is a problem I need to work on. Nor do I demand that others take the same approach I do to improving matters. Disagreement is part of diversity, and I agree that you make a positive difference just by being out there, living a productive and rewarding life despite the stacked deck. Visibility is an important step for any minority when it comes to societal change.

Badtranny

07-24-2013, 12:14 PM

I'm offended that the transgender populace is misunderstood and derided. That so many of us struggle for decades to come to terms with who we are, knowing full well how much negativity and violence is aimed at us collectively. I don't think concern for others and a desire to make the world a better place is a problem I need to work on. Nor do I demand that others take the same approach I do to improving matters. Disagreement is part of diversity, and I agree that you make a positive difference just by being out there, living a productive and rewarding life despite the stacked deck. Visibility is an important step for any minority when it comes to societal change.

Well, ...okay then.

The only thing I'll add is being hyper sensitive or responding to every perceived slight, is not a good strategy for us or any marginalized community. It makes us look weak and reactionary. I prefer to look strong and unflappable.

Kimberly Kael

07-24-2013, 04:05 PM

The only thing I'll add is being hyper sensitive or responding to every perceived slight, is not a good strategy for us or any marginalized community.

So true. There's a huge difference between finding teachable moments and flying into an indignant rage. I try for the former, and do my best to listen as well as speak. There's no value in being absolutist or expecting the rest of the world to be as informed about issues that are personally relevant to me.

dreamer_2.0

07-29-2013, 08:11 PM

Did HRT or any part of your transition affect your sexual orientation? I've read that one's orientation can change and am curious about your experiences.

Michelle.M

07-29-2013, 08:19 PM

Nope! I was heterosexual before transition and I still am heterosexual post-transition.

Kimberly Kael

07-29-2013, 10:05 PM

I think the terms heterosexual and homosexual can be ambiguous in the context of gender transition. Nobody's ever entirely sure what sex they're supposed to be relative to. That's one of the reasons why I identify as a lesbian, which makes matters a lot clearer. I guess we could try to popularize the terms gynophile or androphile, but that kind of sweeping change sounds like an uphill battle.

Back to the original question: no, nothing has changed regarding who I am attracted to.

Rianna Humble

07-29-2013, 11:16 PM

I agree with Kimberly that the terms heterosexual and homosexual are at best ambiguous for a TS My Gender specialist prefers to talk in terms of whether you are attracted to men/women/both.

I asked him early on about changing orientation and he said in his experience it can happen but not often. My attraction to other women has not changed so far.

Michelle.M

07-29-2013, 11:34 PM

Nobody's ever entirely sure what sex they're supposed to be relative to.

That may be true for you, but I am not the least bit unsure of whom I am attracted to. As for "what sex they're supposed to be relative to", I'm not sure what that means but the standard of "supposed to be" doesn't have to apply to anyone unless you want it to.

I agree with Kimberly that the terms heterosexual and homosexual are at best ambiguous for a TS

No, those terms have well-established definitions; not ambiguous at all.

My Gender specialist prefers to talk in terms of whether you are attracted to men/women/both.

That's sexual preference, and not the same thing as sexual orientation. For most of us sexual orientation and sexual preference match up, but that doesn't make the terms interchangeable.

I believe that your therapist is correct; sexual orientation does not change, or at least not often. In your case, your sexual preference stayed the same, but by definition your orientation changed. Now you're a lesbian, before transition you were not.

In my case I was heterosexual before transition and I still am, but the gender of my partners has changed.

kellycan27

07-30-2013, 12:09 AM

My sexual preference didn't change.. In another thread I mentioned that people thought I was gay because I liked boys and at the time I looked like a boy.

Kimberly Kael

07-30-2013, 12:24 AM

That may be true for you, but I am not the least bit unsure of whom I am attracted to. As for "what sex they're supposed to be relative to", I'm not sure what that means but the standard of "supposed to be" doesn't have to apply to anyone unless you want it to.

No, those terms have well-established definitions; not ambiguous at all.

So when you say that you were heterosexual before and still are after transition, you mean you were attracted to women and are now attracted to men? Or that you were always attracted to men because you've always been female, but that people mistakenly read you as homosexual pre-transition? Or do you mean you've always been attracted to women, and don't care that for any observer who accepts you as a woman that you now appear homosexual?

No, that's not the least bit ambiguous. :doh:

I didn't mean that I was confused about my orientation, just that the words to describe it are confusing when you know I've transitioned and aren't sure whether it's relative to my assigned sex or gender identity.

Michelle.M

07-30-2013, 07:39 AM

So when you say that you were heterosexual before and still are after transition, you mean you were attracted to women and are now attracted to men?

Exactly.

I think we sense that this is ambiguous because we get confused about the working aspects of sexual orientation. Look at the root words. "Homo" comes from the Greek word for "same", as in homogenous (of the same kind), or homonym (two distinct words with the same sound). "Hetero" refers to the complement, the opposite number, the yin-yan relationship.

Sexual orientation has nothing to do with a person's plumbing. My orientation has more to do with the person being my opposite number. Some of us began to explore that before transition, like kellycan27 who points out that people thought she was gay because she liked boys and at the time she looked like a boy.

. . . the words to describe it are confusing when you know I've transitioned and aren't sure whether it's relative to my assigned sex or gender identity.

Got it. It only matters if you think it does, as this is your business. For me it's relative to my gender identity (and I'd guess that's probably true for others as well). I was in a heterosexual relationship with my boyfriend when I was pre-op; the same holds true for many of my friends.

"Assigned sex" is based on how our bodies are configured, and the assignment is made when we're born. If you're a woman with a penis (gender identity) and you have a relationship with a straight man then you're likely to identify as a straight woman, irrespective of plumbing. If you prefer women and have a woman as a partner you probably identify as a lesbian, as many of my friends do. Some of these friends are post-op, but many are either pre-op or non-op.

This doesn't have to be any more confusing than we make it. YOU are the one who gets to define yourself. My comments are meant to explain how I define it, and nothing more.

I Am Paula

07-30-2013, 07:50 AM

Without resorting to labeling sexual trysts as XX/XY or XY/XY we all feel we have to call it something. Cumbersome to say the least. Early in ones transition, it's easy to call sex with a man homo, but later, as a more female form is achieved, it becomes obviously hetero. So where did we cross THAT line? It would be so easiest if people stopped asking us our orientation.
I yams what I yams-Popeye

Michelle.M

07-30-2013, 08:32 AM

Aside from eating and breathing, sex (and all things related) is probably the most universal aspect of human existence. It's the foundation of the propagation of life and human relationships. Yeah, it really is important.

If people could have open and sensible discussions about sex and to do so without shame or embarrassment then we probably wouldn't have so many unplanned pregnancies and, even more importantly, there wouldn't be such xenophobia when it comes to accepting anyone whose sexual orientation is different than our own.

I have no problem answering questions about my sexual orientation or how that was affected by my transition. Knowledge is understanding. That doesn't mean I share intimate details, but open, mature discussions about sex and sexual orientation? I'm in.

Marleena

07-30-2013, 09:16 AM

Did HRT or any part of your transition affect your sexual orientation? I've read that one's orientation can change and am curious about your experiences.

Hi Dreamer, sexual orientation usually does not usually change during transition. For Michelle her sexual preference changed. That does happen and is documented.
I have confused people (what else is new :))by stating I was straight while living a TG life as a guy(sexually attracted to women). Starting transition and still being sexually attracted to women well that would define me as a lesbian instead.:heehee:

The fact is every TS woman is actually female and always has been. So put simply if they were always sexually attracted to men they were always straight. If they were always sexually attracted to women that would make them lesbian.

Hope that helps.

I Am Paula

07-30-2013, 09:22 AM

I'm OK with the question, I just don't have a good answer.

Dreamer_grl- For what it's worth, my therapist says HRT won't CHANGE your orientation. However, if you've been sitting on a fence about it, it may push you over.
her opinion- pheromone receptors changing. Not scientific, but...who knows.

Michelle.M

07-30-2013, 09:53 AM

Hi Dreamer, sexual orientation usually does not usually change during transition. For Michelle it did, so yes it's possible and does happen and has been documented.

I don't want to split hairs, but no, my sexual orientation did not change. My sexual preference did. The two are not synonymous.

Marleena

07-30-2013, 11:25 AM

@ Michelle. Fixed my original reply for you..:)

dreamer_2.0

07-30-2013, 12:34 PM

Sorry for the wording, ladies. I think you all still understood the question though and your answers are appreciated.

I'm currently hetero with some slight bi interests, hoping to turn homo after transitioning. In other words, I like girls now and hope to keep that attraction to girls later. Time will tell.

Kimberly Kael

07-30-2013, 01:06 PM

I like girls now and hope to keep that attraction to girls later. Time will tell.

It will. I have zero evidence to back up the claim, but I suspect that for a lot of people what changes during transition isn't their fundamental attraction but rather the environmental factors that play into relationships. What does society have to say about your relationships? Ditto for your friends and family? Who feels comfortable showing interest in you in public? These all play a role of some kind in how we feel about ourselves and others.

In my case, I took to lesbian pride like a fish to water. I don't mind being controversial,and I was already in a stable relationship with a woman I love deeply. So nothing changed, and everything changed.

Michelle.M

07-30-2013, 01:41 PM

. . . but I suspect that for a lot of people what changes during transition isn't their fundamental attraction but rather the environmental factors that play into relationships.

You may be on to something there. I see a lot of girls who get confused about what direction they should go instead of just letting things flow. Looks like you've got it figured out.

steph1964

07-30-2013, 03:00 PM

dreamer_2.0

07-31-2013, 12:00 AM

There's been some talk about breast growth and ensuring you have a proper fitting bra. I'm curious, how was your first bra fitting? I'm guessing you did it in female mode, were you treated any differently because you still, technically, had a male body?

I'm envisioning myself standing in line at a La Senza, the idea seems quite scary (add it to the list). I'd probably end up going to a Wal-Mart or some big department store where I could remain fairly anonymous and simply pick something off the rack and pay.

Cindy J Angel

07-31-2013, 09:40 AM

Well I don't know if I was sexually abused or I liked it. just 2 kids playing on grown ups. then all through my child hood at diff times and I can remember all of them and do not regret any think that I have done. Would I have done diff if I could have done over don't think so may b would have done a little more. Do I think it has something to do with now no but it could have. But I do think that is did have a profound efict on sex it aloud me to b free and enjoy it more. love Cindy

Kaitlyn Michele

07-31-2013, 10:28 AM

It will. I have zero evidence to back up the claim, but I suspect that for a lot of people what changes during transition isn't their fundamental attraction but rather the environmental factors that play into relationships. What does society have to say about your relationships? Ditto for your friends and family? Who feels comfortable showing interest in you in public? These all play a role of some kind in how we feel about ourselves and others.

In my case, I took to lesbian pride like a fish to water. I don't mind being controversial,and I was already in a stable relationship with a woman I love deeply. So nothing changed, and everything changed.

The problem with this Kimberly is that the person that is confused doesn't know it. In other words, you can't get what you want..you are what you are. In the process of becoming a person that lives as their true gender, you find out the truth about your sexuality..

saying you want to be hetero or homo after transition is like saying you don't want to forget something in the future...lots of times you forget it anyway despite not wanting to... and unfortunately you can't tie a bow around your finger to remind you don't want to "change" your sexuality

If you transition and the confusion lifts, you can still choose to live with an SO that you are fundamentally not compatible with sexually...life is gray

AllyM

08-02-2013, 01:45 PM

Kimberly Kael

08-02-2013, 02:22 PM

I have just one simple question which I am sure you will all understand. Does the "Haunting" of wanting to be in the fully female ever go away? It is that thought that is always on your mind. Please let me know.

It's likely to vary a lot from individual to individual, so I can only speak for myself. I do my best to live a life focused on the things I have control over. For example, I can't rewind time, so I don't believe in regrets. I simply try to make the best decisions I can each and every day.

So my dysphasia wasn't rooted in not having been assigned female at birth, but rather in not doing what I could to correct that erroneous assumption. Once I finally acted on my needs, that conflict subsided and isn't an issue in my life. There's no more value in dwelling on this particular accident of birth than any other. Sure, I could wish I was born twenty years later, or that I had a smaller nose, or whatever, but unless there's something I believe I can and should do about it ... I'm pretty good at setting it aside and moving on.

What really hurt was knowing that I was avoiding hard decisions and conversations. The meaningful struggle was with myself, not against reality. So no, it isn't on my mind the way it once was.

DebbieL

08-02-2013, 03:44 PM

I have just one simple question which I am sure you will all understand. Does the "Haunting" of wanting to be in the fully female ever go away? It is that thought that is always on your mind. Please let me know.

If you are transsexual, the answer is "No!, Never!". Many of us continue to live in stealth mode, pretending to be men. This is usually because the consequences of transition are more than we are willing to accept. In my own case, I had to delay transition because I would lose custody and visitation rights to my children if I didn't stop transition.

For those of us born in the 1950s, being a transsexual was something that was "cured" with electro-shock and if that failed - a lobotomy. Even until the late 1980s, the SRS procedures were still pretty primitive, they couldn't do the nerves to provide a sensitive clitoris. Social pressures were pretty intense as well. In Elementary school, "Sissies" were often treated brutally and violently. Often, the brutality continued into Junior High (aka Middle School), and even in high school, being a feminine boy was usually assumed to be homosexuality, which could leave one sexually and romantically frustrated. Even in College, classmates often confused transsexuality with homosexuality, and often, because of the violence, the transsexuality was considered even more of a secret.

Many of us tried to cope with drugs and booze, and I often went into black-outs where "Rex went to sleep, and Debbie took over". Most of my friends and teachers would say "Be yourself" - because it was so obvious that acting male was phony and made me seem deceptive. Often, if we did tell someone, we wanted to keep it a secret, to prevent another cycle of violence. Even into the 1990s, there were those who would have threatened to terminate my career, and even a real risk of having the KKK burning crosses on my lawn (Lived near Zerapath NJ).

Research that includes surveys of nearly 1 million transgenders indicates that, especially among transsexuals, there was also a very high rate of suicide attempts. Extrapulating based on the number of suicide attempts vs the number of actual suicides across the general population, this would indicate that nearly half of those who are transsexual don't live to their 40th birthday.

As we get older, it's easier to let our bodies kill us. Over-eating, obesity, smoking, drinking, and other unhealthy habits can result in heart attacks and strokes, which we are less likely to report or get treated. Perhaps many of us feel that the "last hope" of a female body is to die and reincarnate into a woman's body or girl's body.

Many of us transition in our 60s or 70s. Retirement and no fear of being fired from our jobs eliminate some of those consequences of choosing to become who we really are.

I've always been a girl, who pretends to be a boy. I don't LIKE pretending that I'm a boy. Every day that I have to pretend I'm a boy, I have feelings of loneliness and despair. No matter how big the accomplishment or the acknowledgement, I always felt wondered "would you have given this to Debbie?". As a result, I deliberately AVOIDED such honorariums. I didn't even go to walk in my college graduation. I often did remarkable things, anonymously, and wondered if I would ever be free to be me.

When I was in Kindergarten and First grade, there were about 5 boys in my class of 30 who preferred to play with girls, wanted to be the mother, and played really nice with the girls, like I did. If 1 in 6 boys started out transgendered, why are so there so few as they get older?

I would suggest that many of them are living in "stealth mode". The probably experienced some of the same violence, persecution, peer pressure, romantic pressure, and family pressure, as well as employment pressure, as we did.

Unfortunately, it's also possible that as many as half may have ended their lives prematurely. It may have been an obvious suicide, getting killed by someone else, or engaging in high risk behavior that turned out to be fatal. Some may have even gone into military and volunteered for "suicide missions" and other high risk missions, partly hoping that they WOULD be killed.

I know for myself, the thought of having to spend the "rest of my life as a man", whether that's 10 years or another 50 years, would be worse than dying. The only thing scarier would be spending ETERNITY as a male.

Rianna Humble

08-02-2013, 03:58 PM

I would actually want to qualify Debbie's first sentence. If you are a non-transitioning transsexual ...

The way for someone who suffers from being transsexual to make the dysphoria (and with it that haunted feeling) go away is to transition.

Kaitlyn Michele

08-02-2013, 04:37 PM

The haunted feeling will never go away.

It is more likely that it will get worse than better unless the feeling is more about crossdressing than knowing that you are a woman

DebbieL

08-02-2013, 05:06 PM

"So are you gay, or are you a lesbian?" I have been asked this so many times that my wife jokes about it. Apparently they think that if I like women then I am a lesbian but if I start liking men then I am gay.

When I was about 16 years old, the head of the MCC church told me and 11 other adults that your TRUE sexual preference is based on what you fantasize about while masturbating. If you are a man and you fantasize making love to a man as a man, your are gay. If you are a man and your fantasize making love to a girl, then you are straight. Since I could remember, my fantasy was always to be a woman making love to a woman. I realized that I was a Lesbian. When asked if I was gay (asked frequently because I was so effeminate I couldn't pass as a "Man"), and I would tell them "Yes, I'm a Lesbian". Of course, I would make it sound like a joke, but my lovers quickly found that it was entirely true, and it remained a very well kept secret.

When a woman tried to seduce me as a boy, I was too ticklish. Sometimes, it was even painful. I was a "virgin, from the waist down" (crossing my arms when I said it) from age 15 to 21. Even when I did try to do it the normal way, I couldn't have an orgasm. I was also so short that I kept slipping out. When I tried to wear a condom, I needed a ring (thick rubber band) to keep it from slipping off. I even asked the pharmacist if they made Condoms in smaller sizes (they don't). My one and only "normal" love affair was relatively short. She finally figured out that she could tie me up and seduce me like I was a woman, and we both enjoyed it. I didn't dress, but she would take her time and touch me everywhere, teasing me and pleasing me. After about a month she said "When we make love, and I close my eyes, I keep seeing you as a woman". I smiled and asked if she liked it. She did.

It was only when I asked her to keep her hose on one night that she said "well, at least you don't want to WEAR them". I was silent, unwilling to lie and tell her I didn't want to or didn't enjoy it. The next day she left a note on my windshield telling me she was breaking up and didn't want me to contact her again.

My next lover, 2 years later, loved that I was willing to wait, and when we moved in together, I told her about 3 weeks after we moved in together (Christmas Night), about wanting to dress up. She made it clear that she was ONLY OK with dressing in the bedroom, and would not be OK with going out in public. Transition, in 1980, was still pretty much a fantasy and not really feasible. Besides, with a deep bass singing voice and dark hair everywhere, it felt like I was trapped in the boy's body and just had to make the best of it. She said she was OK with it, but 12 years and 2 kids later, she finally let me know that she was NEVER OK with it, but she loved me too much to let me go.

A year before the divorce, at the guidance of a marriage counselor, she took a lover, and I started transition. She got married and I was introduced to a woman who was bisexual and loved that I was transgendered. She even wanted to support me in transition. She started bringing female lovers home, and these women, who were lesbians, loved our parties, because, as they would say "Debbie is a REAL LESBIAN".

My current wife has had male lovers, and enjoys them, but she loves what Debbie does even more. The biggest problem we've had is that I want to make sure she's fully satisfied, but her orgasms are so intense that we call them "Belly Whompers". Unfortunately, these "Belly Whomper" orgasms have resulted in a number of hernias that have required surgical repair. She's needed 5 surgeries and currently has 5 hernias that will be treated this fall, after she finishes losing over 90 lbs.

The good news is that she's getting a "Tummy Tuck" as part of the surgery. They need to make sure that the compression binder that they put around her belly won't have mushy spots of fat that will result in new ruptures.

So yes, I'm a Lesbian.

kellycan27

08-02-2013, 07:13 PM

" If you are transsexual the answer is no!" " The haunting feeling will never go away"... I for one would appreciate it if when someone answers a question... they answer for themselves instead of talking for ALL of us. As most of use realize... Different people are going to have different results and experiences. Thanks!

Kel

Kaitlyn Michele

08-02-2013, 07:36 PM

Hey I didn't post for you Selena...errr Kel...

I answered a question based on my experience
Why do you have to be so confrontational about such trivial things...
it's a given that each of us speaks for ourselves. ..would you have each of us start every sentence with "this only applies to me"

are you honestly saying that there are a group of transsexuals out there where the feeling just goes away? or just trying to cause a fuss??

oh and thanks!!!
kait..

kellycan27

08-02-2013, 08:08 PM

Will the haunting feeling ever go away? ...... The haunting feeling will never go away.
How am I being confrontational by simply asking people " nicely" to base their answers ( like you say now) on their own experience instead of painting us all with the same brush. I won't speak for any " group" of transsexuals... Just myself, but you go ahead and speak for us as a group. Oh wait.... That's what I was asking people ( nicely) to try and refrain from doing.

Oh and you're welcome.

Selena.... err.... Kel

DebbieL

08-02-2013, 09:12 PM

I would actually want to qualify Debbie's first sentence. If you are a non-transitioning transsexual ...

Good point. Although, even when you are transitioning, there are periods when you are still haunted. The more you are living Real Life Experience, the more comfortable you are in your own skin. Now that Social Security isn't requiring SRS to get gender status changed, we may see more people comfortable with partial transition earlier. Though I think most of us don't really want to keep the "boy parts" even if we could.

The way for someone who suffers from being transsexual to make the dysphoria (and with it that haunted feeling) go away is to transition.

I have heard from some who have transitioned, that they struggle with having to try and keep it a secret that they were once their previous gender. These women looked and acted like GGs in every way, and were there to support others going through transition. However, they voiced the concern "Now I have to avoid conversations about pre-transition life, so that people won't know that I was a boy. This was 1991, in Denver Colorado, not the most tolerant time/place for transsexuals.

It will. I have zero evidence to back up the claim, but I suspect that for a lot of people what changes during transition isn't their fundamental attraction but rather the environmental factors that play into relationships....

Growing up, a girl trapped in a boy's body, I regularly suffered violence by boys who called me a sissy. I was stoned, clubbed, whipped, and almost crippled, even killed. Instinct for self-preservation told me to avoid boys/men as much as humanly possible. I hated recess, lunch, and gym, and avoided walking home from school by doing my written work after class. When boys started coming on to me in 8th & 9th grade, I freaked and let them know that I was not interested. By high school (10th grade), I took the attraction as a compliment and offered to introduce him to one of the others who had approached me (eventually becoming the "social director" for the gay community). Most thought I was just in the closet because I was so feminine.

Still, my attraction was to women, especially women who were sexually aggressive, and liked to take control. These girls admitted that they were tom-boys and was even taking estrogen to make her more like me.

As I transitioned, in both 1990-3 and 2012-3, I was surprised to experience entirely different treatment from men. They held doors for me, offered to help me with my bags. They even started flirting with me. There were times when really appreciated the attention, and might have even responded well if I'd had a few drinks while dressed. However, even then I struggled with smells, sounds, and sensations of stubble. All were turn-offs.

I supposed, if I had been a bit more bisexual, I might have been much more interested and responsive. I'd tried with men a couple of times in my 20s, but ended up throwing up. Not a positive experience for either of us.

In my case, I took to lesbian pride like a fish to water. I don't mind being controversial,and I was already in a stable relationship with a woman I love deeply. So nothing changed, and everything changed.

During both transitions, I had partners who knew I was a Lesbian and loved me for it. They were the dominant partner, and some might have considered me straight because she was more "butch", mostly in terms of behavior.

I often wonder - if I had had a male partner who knew about my being transsexual, and wanted to support and encourage my transitioning, and enjoyed mutually satisfying sex as much as I did, would I have chosen to be "his girl"? If I had been given the choice between the platonic marriage I had for 7 years and 2 children, vs a marriage to a man who loved me and wanted me sexually every day, I might have chosen the man.

There are different trade-offs with each choice. Each choice has issues, risks, and benefits. I wasn't a big fan of "dyke drama".

MysticLady

08-02-2013, 09:45 PM

The haunted feeling will never go away.

" If you are transsexual the answer is no!" " The haunting feeling will never go away".

May I ask, (hope I'm not deleted:sad:) What is this Haunted feeling and why will it never go away?

AllyM

08-03-2013, 04:56 AM

I thank everyone for giving me your insight into my question. Kelley, in short, it the desire/thought to want to be who you really are that is always there. It has always been from as far back as one can remember.

Thanks again to everyone!

Rianna Humble

08-04-2013, 04:14 AM

I think some of us may be reading AllyM's question differently to others. When I replied in the positive I was relating to the part of her question that talks about "wanting to be in the fully female" although I missed the words "in the", but I noticed that some of the post-op replies seem to have interpreted that in the sense of not being able to share some experiences of being female whilst growing up (e.g. when was your first ..." type questions).

I just want to clarify that I was not trying to contradict that aspect of being haunted by one's lack of past.

Kaitlyn Michele

08-04-2013, 08:16 AM

yes that was how I read it rianna... I took the question as.... if you don't transition, does the feeling you want to be a woman every go away? my answer was simple..no

After transition, there is no haunted feeling of wanting to be anything.....Transition made the whole thing in my mind go away

Aprilrain

08-04-2013, 05:36 PM

I wouldn't know the answer to' "if you don't transition...." Because I transitioned. I can say that from personal experience, which has been chronicled here over the last few years, that taking steps to transition including changing my name, living full time, having FFS etc. has drastically diminished the dysphoria that I feel. I'm now only months away from SRS and i rarely think about my gender these days.

April

AllyM

08-06-2013, 06:52 AM

To clarify my question regarding the "Haunting" feeling, I was referring to just wanting to be who I am. Simply, a woman. Thinking about it is always on my mind. It is relentless. I believe you know what I am talking about. Anyway, my thanks to everyone.

Kalista Drake

08-25-2013, 02:34 PM

Hi Dreamer, sexual orientation usually does not usually change during transition. For Michelle her sexual preference changed. That does happen and is documented.
I have confused people (what else is new :))by stating I was straight while living a TG life as a guy(sexually attracted to women). Starting transition and still being sexually attracted to women well that would define me as a lesbian instead.:heehee:

The fact is every TS woman is actually female and always has been. So put simply if they were always sexually attracted to men they were always straight. If they were always sexually attracted to women that would make them lesbian.

Hope that helps.

I agree. You make a very valid point! I am and have always been Lesbian.

dreamer_2.0

09-12-2013, 01:09 AM

Two Questions:

Been reading more about SRS procedures and the healing process; dilation obviously being a huge part of this. Frankly I don't really want to ask this question (scared of the answer) but...how was the dilation period initially? I've read it can be quite difficult and understandably painful. Pain is relative, of course, but would you agree with this?

Secondly, there appear to be a few different vaginoplasty techniques in use. Did you and/or your doctor choose how you wanted things done, weighing the pros and cons of each, or did you go to a specific doctor who specialized in a specific technique? How did you choose?

Leigh Wyndham

09-24-2013, 09:38 PM

Hi,

I am post op circa 30 years. I have a good bit of experience as over the years I have escorted a few ladies to their chosen surgeons/hospital. I have had a successful happy (mostly) life. I have moved from back east to my home in the desert southwest to retool for a highly specialized niche in the medical field.

I am available, if it is permitted, to answer any questions pertaining to TS issues. The answer may not always be the correct answer. That, I guess, would be determined by the asker as to its' applicable appropriateness.

Pandys

11-02-2013, 10:48 AM

I am a CD, at least at this point. I thought my reason for dressing was fairly straight forward, when I was younger it was sexually exciting probably because of the taboo. As I became an adult it was less about dressing and more about dressing for someone. I had never wanted to be or felt like i was a woman outside of a fantasy or a dream once in a while. Now I find there are times I really want to be female and I wonder if that was not always the case. At this point I can't see me going much further, but I seem to devote more time wondering.

So my question is,

I have often heard "I always new I was supposed to be a girl" or "I was born with the wrong body", is that the case most of the time or have many "evolved". I guess, was there a time when you didn't feel basically the way you do now?

sorry about the wording, I am feeling a bit confused about my own position.

Thanks

Badtranny

11-02-2013, 01:47 PM

the question about late onset transsexualism is a tricky one and the answers are often soaked in trans politics.

Personally I don't believe it's possible to suddenly be a transsexual. Every T-girl I know (and I know quite a few) has literally "always known". I've written extensively about my 'becoming' and the events that precipitated my transition so I'm on record as completely misunderstanding my condition for most of my life. However, I absolutely knew that I wanted to be a girl at a very young age and it absolutely caused me a great deal of angst. I was not self aware to the extent that I had the courage necessary to talk about it, but I was definitely distressed about my circumstances. My mom even admits that I was "always different" and she's glad that I wasn't able to talk to her about it because she would have definitely not been accepting and "who knows what would have happened".

Sadly my story is NOT unique and every trans person of my generation has lived their own version of it.

For those that find themselves suddenly wanting to be women, I think there is something else going on, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to live your life however you want to.

Nigella

11-02-2013, 01:59 PM

I'm a late onset, having gone through the whole I'm a cder thing. I lived with my GD, managing to have a life as a man, it was not until I was in my very late 40s that my GD kicked me in the teeth to remind that it was there. Therapy helped me understand that my past was a precursor and that I was TS. So no, in my case I "did not know" but it was there, I just managed to hide myself from it.

Rianna Humble

11-02-2013, 02:51 PM

There are some members who honestly believed that they were simply cross-dressers, but when they became aware that they were indeed transsexual a lot of incidents in their past made more sense.

Some of us managed to have whole periods where we did not think about being wrong for as long as one or two days at a time whilst we were in denial, but I know in my case the dressing always felt like coming home rather than something exciting.

Rachel Smith

11-03-2013, 06:59 AM

Melissa said

Every T-girl I know (and I know quite a few) has literally "always known".

I am now 58, started my transition at 56 and hormones at 57. Personally I haven't "always known". I did however "always know" something wasn't right. See my coming clean letter here http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?200698-Coming-Out-Letters-or-Emails-no-discussions-please (post #6.)

Like you I started or so I thought because it was sexually exciting. As time went on that feeling passed and was replaced by a feeling of completeness. I was diagnosed with ADD as an adult. Now with the hormones my mind is clear and I am no longer plagued with rampant thoughts running through my mind.

These things were not talked about when I was young like they are today so I just learned to live with my feelings early on. Then my wife wanted a divorce and after a failed attempt at ending it all I figured it was time to get this sorted.

Perhaps this is how it is for a lot of my generation.

Hugs
Rachel

I Am Paula

12-16-2013, 10:28 AM

I cannot hate being transsexual. It is what I am, and considering the alternative, being male, it's a pretty good place to be.
I don't mind that I'm in a middle ground. I'm not GG. I never will be, and at my age being a transwoman, and being referred to as transsexual, is probably the best I'm going to get.
I realize that some things are forced upon us. All things being equal, if I was born cis male it would have made life considerably easier. This is not a path I chose, so dwelling on the less glamorous aspects is counter productive.
I am transsexual. I enjoy being transsexual, and I will probably always be thought of as transsexual. It is me.

JamieLeigh

12-22-2013, 07:35 PM

In answering Dreamer_grl's Two Questions:

Been reading more about SRS procedures and the healing process; dilation obviously being a huge part of this. Frankly I don't really want to ask this question (scared of the answer) but...how was the dilation period initially? I've read it can be quite difficult and understandably painful. Pain is relative, of course, but would you agree with this?

Secondly, there appear to be a few different vaginoplasty techniques in use. Did you and/or your doctor choose how you wanted things done, weighing the pros and cons of each, or did you go to a specific doctor who specialized in a specific technique? How did you choose?

My answer:

I SRS in November 2010. My doctor in Philly had a specific technique, so I just put my trust in him. He was trained by Dr. Marcy Bowers, so I trusted him to do the job. The first dilation was scary, but it really wasn't that painful. After surgery you get 5 different sizes of dilators, so you start with the smallest of course. I think it's the ideal of the dilation right after surgery that sounds so painful.

Emma48

01-12-2014, 09:43 PM

I'm with you, Rachel. I have not always known. When I was young, in the fifties, it was impossible to transition and so I mostly suppressed the urges. I even became homophobic to compensate. But over the last twenty years especially, the cross-dressing and urges to be female have continually increased. I don't feel I "have to" transition, but feel it would so wonderful, I have a hard time not going ahead. The main thing keeping me from it is the love of my wife and our great life together. Unfortunately, she cannot (so far anyway) see me en femme. So I am in a terrible place between the two possible lives.

Shy_Confusion

03-08-2014, 07:14 PM

Could I respectfully ask for a qualification on the phrase "Always knew"? Is this in reference to always knowing that one is transexual or is the reference to a different TS specific feeling?

sorry for being nit picky.

Angela Campbell

03-08-2014, 07:18 PM

For me it means I always knew I wasn't a boy. I was so young I had no idea what "transsexual" was nor that I could be changed. That came later.

Donna Joanne

03-08-2014, 07:27 PM

I knew when I was around 15. It came from inside me. But although I hadn't "always known", there was no epiphany. It was more of a realization of myself.

I hadn't been treated as a girl by anyone in my life. I didn't have an older sister. I hadn't had an unsuccessful heterosexual encounter. But I knew I was a female. For the past 40 years and through 3 marriages, 2 biological and 3 acquired (through marriages) children I have battled within myself to suppress my true personality and gender.

I am and always have been a 54 year old Male To Female Transgender Woman.

steph1964

03-20-2014, 11:51 AM

I usually say that I've known since I was 4 since I have a specific memory of an incident at school. But that's just an oversimplification of a very complicated issue that I had a hard time comprehending in my 40's let alone when I was younger. As Rianna has pointed out, many including me thought that we were crossdressers. I had no idea what it was, just that it was not something that I could tell anyone. It wasn't until a lot of counseling and allowing myself to even consider the possibility of being transsexual that everything finally made sense.

Jorja

03-20-2014, 12:26 PM

For me, it was a bit different than most. from my earliest memories I recall not fitting in with the boys. I shied away from most activities little boys engage in. I played and hang out with the girls. I constantly wanted to be dressed in my sisters cloths. At 10 years old, one of the neighbor girls found an article about Christine Jorgensen and gave it to me. After reading that article and knowing it could actually be done, I stood up at the dinner table and proudly announced that "now I know for sure it could be done, as I placed that article out on the table for my parents to see, I would one day become a real girl". I got knocked across the room for my efforts. From that day on I saved every penny I could find. Every penny I earned went to saving for my transition. Come he!! or high water, I was going to fix this mistake. Twelve years later at 22 years old I started transition. So yes, I "always knew".

Tinkerbell-GG

05-04-2014, 09:56 PM

Hi everyone :)

It's been suggested that I post here to find out whether you think there's a vast difference between crossdressers and transexuals.

I know, I know, I'm probably going to get what I deserve for this silly question, lol. But I was commenting on a thread in MTF about dopamine and agreeing that this seems the logical reason why my male identified husband likes to present as a woman sometimes (usually the kind that is out clubbing, sigh) yet says he has zero gender dysphoria and loves being a guy. My post was lengthy but explains as the OPs did that his childhood had a big influence, as did his genetics and then came the hormones. At no point though, did he want to be a girl. He sees this as a part of him now, but a sexual, comforting part that is more compulsion than identity. I always found it hard to believe that he'd do this without wanting to be a girl, and then PaulaQ mentioned (of whom I have found great help, thanks Paula:) ) that they are likely to be the same condition but at different levels. Given my initial reservations that my H surely MUST want to be a girl, this gave me pause. But the thing is, my H would be livid with me for thinking that as many counselling sessions and decades later, he still insists he's not a girl. Just a guy who likes to look like one occasionally.

So aside from being very confused, I'm starting to think there really might be a big difference between him and you ladies here.

Am I wrong? Could they also be the same issue but at different levels? I'd love to hear your thoughts as mine are a busy mess most of the time.

Thanks :)

Edit: I'm not sure I'm even allowed to post here or if I've written anything wrong so please let me know if I have or if I've offended anyone. I thought I'd also add that I'm not looking for reassurance that my H isn't TS as honestly, what will be will be and he's one of those people who does what he wants anyway. I'm just genuinely confused with all the labels and what not and also the different stories told here. I actually think it might be insulting to put my male identified husband in the same category as everyone here because as a GG in my mind there's a lot about my H's personal dressing style that I find insulting, lol

Angela Campbell

05-04-2014, 11:15 PM

Uhhh yeah. There is little similar. They are two completely different things.

One is something a person does, the other is something a person is.

Badtranny

05-04-2014, 11:24 PM

Tink, read my blog.

Your hubby is a dude who likes to play dress up. Don't worry.

Aprilrain

05-04-2014, 11:52 PM

Hi Tink, this may sound odd and hypocritical but I honestly don't really get CDing. I'm not putting it down each to hers/his own, I just don't get it. I've transitioned, my body now matches my mind, I would get nothing out of dressing up like a dude. I didn't do all this because I liked the feel/fit of the clothes or preferred more feminine colors or even because I felt sexy. Those things may be true to an extent but I would not have blown up my life for clothes. For me it was all about my body being wrong and with that not getting to live my life. I don't really get the sexual thrill thing either How can a gentic male want to have sex as a woman, be it with a boy or a girl, and yet not want to be a woman? As far back as I can remember I was always a girl in my sexual fantasies, I was almost always with a guy in my fantasies too. I felt that way wether I was dressed in girl clothes or boy clothes or no clothes at all!

Do I think TSes and CDs are totally different animals, or are we just at different points along a line between male and female? I don't really know and the answer to that question but either way I'm pretty sure the differences are greater than the similarities. For what it's worth I think there is a divid between myself and GGs on that gender line too however I'm much closer to female than male if that's even how it works!

That's just my two cents worth.

P.S. thank you for coming over to hang out with us, I wish more GGs would stop by and don't fret you've done nothing wrong or said anything offensive IMO.

Tinkerbell-GG

05-05-2014, 12:50 AM

Hi Tink, this may sound odd and hypocritical but I honestly don't really get CDing.

April, not hypocritical AT ALL! I don't understand why my H does what he does either. I mean, I can see where and how it started but WHY he keeps doing it when he's overall a very sane intelligent man who should want an easier life is beyond me. If the brain wiring and dopamine really is at play, then realistically he could change this behavior with hard work but I guess the reward outweighs all the pain I give him, lol. Of course, if it's genetics then he's stuck with two lives I guess. I just don't understand why he doesn't find the whole thing exhausting!

And thanks everyone for your comments. My head is clearer already. Melissa, I'm loving your blog. What you write in the beginning, that you were a guy who had to learn to be a guy, is the complete opposite of my H. He spends his free time learning to be a girl. And not the kind you'd bring home to momma, either! Double sigh. I take comfort in the fact that most people are weird if you dig deep enough. I mostly leave my shovel at home these days :)

And I like this part of the forum. It seems like you all know who you are already, which is refreshing.

PaulaQ

05-05-2014, 02:15 AM

The difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual is quite simple. Transsexuals transition - crossdressers do not.

On that note, the difference between a good investment, and a bad investment is really simple too. You make money on the good ones, and lose money on the bad ones.

There you have it - you now have the secret to figure out who's a CD and who's a transsexual, and also the secret to never losing money on investments - never make the bad investments, and just make sure that if you are unlucky enough for your spouse to be a CD, that they will be one of the ones who never transitions. Simple!

Here's a model from 2010 that suggests that CD & TS are in fact related in some sense:
THE IDENTITY‐DEFENCE MODEL OF GENDERVARIANCE
DEVELOPMENT (http://www.jaimieveale.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/idmodel.pdf)

I'm not totally in love with this model - it has issues. Still it would seem as if some scientists are considering the possibility of some sort of connection between being TS and being a CD.

Rianna Humble

05-05-2014, 04:12 AM

I'm sure that the scientists would love to be able to "prove" that people born with the birth defect of transsexuality are merely extreme cross-dressers, but unfortunately for them, the fact don't fit with their hypothesis any more than they fit with Blanchard's half-arsed attempt at pseudo-science however much credence a few members of this site give him.

There are some gender variant people who suffer from a mild form of Gender Dysphoria but who are not transsexual. Those people need and respond to a combination of therapy and in some cases hormone therapy, but from what Tink says, her husband does not fall into that category either.

Tink, if your husband is adamant that he loves being a guy and has zero Gender Dysphoria and zero desire to be a girl, I think you can accept that he knows what he is talking about.

As for your question about being allowed to post here, the TS Forum is open to all members and you are very welcome whenever you want to join in any discussion here.

becky77

05-05-2014, 06:27 AM

Hi Tink, this may sound odd and hypocritical but I honestly don't really get CDing.

I feel this to, I just can't understand how you can want to dress like a woman yet be happy as a man?

To answer your question its chalk and cheese. To some we may look the same as there are m any CDers that present really well. But its in the mind, our identity that things are so very different.
I hate everything masculine about me, always have, I have never fit in, in a man's world. I've tried to, done my best to play the role, learnt about sports just to maintain a conversation. But ultimately I never was one of them and I feel that way with CDers.
I went to transgender clubs to 'find my place' yet felt out of place still. You see everyone might have been dressed as women, but they still drank beer at the bar, talked cars and sports and woman. I don't know what compulsion a manly guy has to want to dress as a woman. But mine isn't a compulsion, its a way of life, its to make the outside look like the inside.
From what you say your husband is very much a CD, believe what he says as its refreshing that he knows his own identity. He doesn't sound confused at all, that's a good thing.

Tinkerbell-GG

05-05-2014, 07:39 AM

He does seem to know what he's talking about and gets mad at me when I quizz him - usually after being on the forum in my earlier days here and then asking about things I'd read. I've stopped that now as it wasn't helping. Thing is, he's such a guy about it all, so stubborn and unemotional and it's just something he needs to do apparently. The end.

In fact, in our early years together when he used to say the speeches I've read here many times: 'it's my femme side' or 'men who crossdress are considered kinder husbands' or 'it's like having a girlfriend and a husband' etc etc, I actually remember bursting into laughter as there is NO way what my H does is about femininity. It's about females, I'll give him that. But his attitude whether dressed or not is that of a guy and since I pulled him up about all those comments, he's agreed he just said them to make me feel better.

Yeah, because you can fool a woman so easily!!

But, given what I've read here, I do take a little pity on him too as all this came about from major early rejection from his father and some serious issues with how his mother portrayed men etc. There's so many little messed up moments in his life, I'm actually surprised the only vice he has is crossdressing. And when I look at all this and what's written here, the difference between you and him seems infinite. There is literally no similarity other than clothing, which to my H is the essential ingredient in his compulsion and without them he wouldn't bother. But for you and for me, they're just clothes, they don't make us female - it's who we are inside that does.

Thanks for that :)

Manwithabra

05-19-2014, 12:11 AM

Here is a question.

I understand that there are MtF's that don't need surgery to grow breasts, and it is instead achieved naturally through HRT. I've always wondered, what does it feel like to slowly grow breasts? Is there a distinct feeling of growth that comes with it? What does it do to your overall health and image?

PaulaQ

05-19-2014, 12:29 AM

@Manwithabra

I've been slowly growing my breasts via HRT for 9 months now. It can take up to two years to get all of the growth you'll get. The main sensation I get is that they are kind of sore, and somewhat sensitive.

As for my overall image - it helps it a lot! I can get out of the shower, look in the mirror, and I like the woman who looks back at me. This is a first for me - I always hated the person who looked back at me in the past. Couldn't stand that guy! As for my overall health - I dunno, there's some risks doing this, but since my most likely problem before transition was "lead poisoning", I think I'm likely to live a lot longer now... The emotional effects of HRT have been quite profound for me, and I really believe it has saved my life.

Aprilrain

05-19-2014, 04:54 AM

Yeah, other than sore, tender, itchy nipples, growing breast dosen't feel like anything. I didnt gett much growtth from HRT and had to supplement with silicone. Having large breast can be a challenge when I need to carry stuff but other than that I've gotten used to them.

Angela Campbell

05-19-2014, 07:43 AM

Same. Some tenderness. I am 1 year in, good growth, and I am happy as hell with results.

Angela Campbell

05-28-2014, 07:21 PM

I am having the time of my life now, but I had to go through a world of pain and agony and general hell to get here.

arbon

05-28-2014, 09:26 PM

Which brings me to my question for you ladies. Are you having fun?

Fun the way dressing is for crossdressers? No, its not like that. But I can have fun, life can be exciting, or sometimes boring, or I can be sad, and everything else in life. You get to a point where your just living life.

But I do feel a lot better about myself as a person and thats the main thing.

PretzelGirl

05-28-2014, 09:32 PM

What I am looking for on "the other side" as far as fun is that I have all the distractions removed. Without things like the act of transition or the things going on in my mind, then life is freed up for good old, everyday fun.

becky77

05-29-2014, 12:23 AM

Fun in what context? I have fun, mainly involves being with friends. Sometimes im prone to being a bit deep and serious, but then life hasn't exactly been easy. From a very young age I was struggling with complex emotions, when the other children were just carefree.
My fun is rather normal, a joke shared, a silly game, party, theatre.
Wearing women's clothes isn't fun, its just wearing clothes that I feel better suited to.

PaulaQ

05-29-2014, 01:42 AM

Hmmm. Fun. OK, while many parts of transition just aren't much fun at all, I have to admit one thing - my sex life is substantially better than it ever was when I was a man. (That's a rather low bar to jump, however...) I also enjoy time with people more than I used to - just simple stuff like talking with and getting to know someone is great fun for me. I love people! Er, well, some of them, anyway!

I guess a lot of everyday things are a lot more fun - mostly because I can just relax and enjoy them, rather than worrying about what people might think.

FemPossible

06-01-2014, 11:08 PM

I have a question.

For those who take HRT, has your personality or interests changed since taking it? If so, how?

I Am Paula

06-02-2014, 07:20 AM

A good question. My emotions have changed drastically, my compassion, social skills, who I hang with, and what we do/talk about have all changed. Luckily for the better, and to better reflect my true sex. I can't say whether my true personality has changed, or if just dropping the act that was my old made up personality, has brought mine to the surface. The pretense of being a man altered my perceived personality. Most of my friends say they prefer my 'new' personality.

I don't think my interests have changed, but none of them was what you might consider 'manly'. I was never a sports guy, either playing, or spectating. I didn't ride a dirt bike, or shoot at anything. I have, however, lost all interest in hanging out with the guys. Now I find their behavior sophomoric, and well...boorish. For example, why can't I go out with the guys without one of them mentioning my boobs?
I hate to answer a question with a question.
Did we change, or just drop the facade to let our true personalities, and interests out?

Angela Campbell

06-02-2014, 02:48 PM

Many things have changed. Not any interest has, but mood, and many behaviors have. Looking like my orientation is changing as well.

Memzy

06-08-2014, 03:38 AM

I have a question.

For those who take HRT, has your personality or interests changed since taking it? If so, how?

For me, my personality pretty much remained the same. The only difference is, I'm not suppressing the way I've always felt. Obviously as time goes on my interest seem to change, but then again I had a short attention span to begin with. I think changes of interest occurs in everyone, weather they are Transsexual or not.

becky77

06-08-2014, 03:59 AM

Alot of my interests have remained the same, I'm just enjoying them more now.
I like being out more now, find myself more social like visiting the family a lot more.
I would find myself looking for reasons to stay in previoulsy, now I want to be out and about and enjoy life.

Bryn

08-06-2014, 07:56 AM

What kind of language do you usually employ when you're speaking about events that preceded your transition?

For example, would you say "when I was a girl" or "when I was a boy" when telling a childhood story? Or just something neutral like "when I was 8"?

Kimberly Kael

08-06-2014, 09:47 AM

I do certainly use "when I was a girl." I never use "when I was a boy" but something more along the lines of "when my parents thought I was a boy" if my presumed gender is relevant to the story. There's nothing wrong with "when I was young" or a dozen other variations, either. Of course others may have different approaches.

Rianna Humble

08-06-2014, 03:24 PM

When it is relevant, I tend to say something like "when they thought I was Robert" or "when I was being Robert" to relate to my adult past and "when I was little" to relate to that period.

arbon

08-06-2014, 03:37 PM

I usually will try to avoid gender specific wording when I talk about my past.

Sometimes it gets a little weird when someone like my mom, wife, daughter or brother talks about me in the past to other people. Like for example my mom having a bunch of friends over and talking about how her son was this or did this or that - and I'll be just sitting there and people get this confused look on their faces.

It does not bother me to much really - their talking about their past, their memories of me.

sarahcsc

08-14-2014, 07:33 AM

Hi all,

I understand this is a thread for posting questions for all the TGs/TS here. I have a couple questions:

What is the difference between a transgender and a transexual?
After reading 7 pages of comments and opinions (I have to admit that I was skimming sometimes), I understand that even TG/TS have very different opinions about what it means to be TG/TS. Some are afraid to come out due to fear of various consequences but others are bolder in terms of facing the hardships entailed. If you haven't transitioned but always wanted to, what do you think would ultimately change your mind? And if you've transitioned, what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?
Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?
What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?
I believe being as different as we are can be ultimately a very rewarding and enriching experience in our lives although some would beg to differ. I get this impression that a lot of what we do rests on our level of acceptance. Do you think that acceptance comes with time? And do you think its possible to become less accepting with time?

Sorry, there are a lot of questions here but I would love to read every word everybody has to offer. I look forward to this. :)

Love,
Sarah

Kimberly Kael

08-14-2014, 09:42 AM

I understand this is a thread for posting questions for all the TGs/TS here.

You might want to check the first post again. It's pretty explicit that only those who identify as transsexual are to respond to questions. That may restrict some of the answers you get (and if it doesn't it may lead to posts being deleted or moved elsewhere.)

What is the difference between a transgender and a transexual?

You'll get a lot of different answers from different individuals. Transgender is sometimes used as a specific identity to put more emphasis on gender and less on sex (it's generally how I introduce myself when it's relevant at all), but it can also be an umbrella term covering a wide range of alternative forms of gender expression (which is what it means in the context of the LGBT acronym.) Transsexual is a term most use to describe someone who makes permanent changes to conform to their gender identity, typically to live full-time in the gender opposite what they were assigned at birth.

what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?

For me, having had the experience of being accepted during a one-week trial run was enough to make it impossible for me not to transition. I had always assumed I couldn't live an authentic life, and that was the one thing holding me back.

Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?

I identify strongly as a woman, and it matters a great deal to me. I also identify as TG and TS, but they're only relevant in limited contexts.

What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?

Helpful: that one week living as a woman, taking my time especially with my wife, getting laser hair removal early on, and having lived a fairly in-masculine life prior to transition.

Unhelpful: it's harder to second-guess what I could have done differently. I don't believe in regrets.

I believe being as different as we are can be ultimately a very rewarding and enriching experience in our lives although some would beg to differ. I get this impression that a lot of what we do rests on our level of acceptance. Do you think that acceptance comes with time? And do you think its possible to become less accepting with time?

Self-acceptance? Or acceptance by others? Anyone can change, but not everyone does. You have to be open to it to give change a chance.

LeaP

08-14-2014, 10:04 AM

There is a lot of history with the term "transgender." Although there is some quibbling about this, Virginia Prince, who was an intense cross-dresser, coined the term distinguish to people living in cross gender roles that did not identify with the opposite sex. It excluded transsexuals and the organization she started pointedly excluded transsexuals for many years. The term was subsequently redefined to include anyone exhibiting any kind of gender variant behavior or identity from their assigned sex.

The latter usage is the "umbrella" term often referenced. The term is still widely used this way. "Transgender" is often used within the community to denote someone who has some cross gender identity but is not necessarily transsexual. There are some transsexuals who prefer the term too, though. You really have to read for context and individual expression to nail down someone's intended meaning. I believe there is a sharp and definitive difference between someone is identity is in the binary versus someone who has some cross gender identification.

The difference bears on the answers to some of your other questions. Someone whose identity is binary cannot resolve that issue without transitioning. As a result, identity is the most important point, and frequently the only one that matters. Gender in a person whose identity is mixed across genders is only one of many possible considerations for transition. Sometimes the most important factor and sometimes way down on the list.

Identity drove my decision. The full realization of who and what I am made the source of my dysfunction and accumulating crises starkly obvious. Left unaddressed, there was a good chance that I was not going to make it. Frankly, most of the time I didn't want to make it and sometimes still don't (Robin Williams weighs on my mind).

My identity is female. I rarely use "woman," as I consider that a developmental term. The difference seems important to me. Some don't see a difference or think it splitting hairs. I'm transsexual, but that's a health status and a point of view, not an identity. Some would argue for transsexual as an identity, but I believe that is a good way to shortchange yourself.

The most helpful thing was finding a competent therapist, followed by connecting with others like me in real life.

The rewards of being different are there, I suppose. I've written about them. Being trans, though, puts you into a position of conflict with the most fundamental human expectation and instincts. Self acceptance only addresses one side of things. Better to be cissexual.

Jorja

08-14-2014, 10:35 AM

1.) For me, transgender is a an umbrella term that refers to any person who is born and identified as one particular gender and during the course of their life believes themselves to be or begins to dress or present themselves as the opposite gender. Both biological males and females can be transgender and are identified as MtF (male to female) or FtM (female to male). Now within the transgender category there are several sub-categories – crossdresser, drag queen, and transsexual among several others.

A transsexual is someone who truly wants/needs to live and dress as the opposite sex full time. This can include changing their name to reflect a more gender appropriate name. Many transsexuals also wish to change their body to look more female by taking hormones and having surgeries to look more female. The main point is that transsexuals “usually” have an internal struggle with their gender identity that can only be resolved by becoming their true gender and living their life in that gender.

Not all transsexuals have surgery and not all transsexuals are able to proceed with transition from one gender to another. However the key aspect of trans-sexuality is the internal struggle with gender identity: the gender that you were assigned at birth v.s. the gender you feel you identify with.

2.) This is a hard one for me. I don’t believe there was a “last straw”. From the time I could first remember, I always knew I was different. I didn’t know what it was called but I knew I needed to be a girl. I was born and raised at a time when it was really socially unacceptable. A man could be arrested for walking down the street wearing a dress and many were. They were thought of as mentally unbalanced, wackos, crazy as hell, a clear and present danger to everyone in existence.

My parents could not help me. To try to get help meant turning me over to the authorities. I would be placed in an asylum where “testing would be done to find the problem and cure me. This was nothing short of torture for hundreds maybe even thousands of young boys.

I had to wait until I could get out on my own. By then many of the laws were starting to be thrown out. While still socially unacceptable, at least there was a growing tolerance that would take too many more years to get to where it’s not the worst thing in the world.

3.) I identify as a woman but it really doesn’t matter. Like it or not, I am me, deal with it!

4.) The most helpful thing was finally just going ahead and doing it. I had to make up my mind that this was what I really wanted and needed. That came with the understanding that it did not matter if I lost everything near and dear to me. This had to be done and I would worry about everything I lost later on.

The most unhelpful thing was the constant indecision. I’ll bet I changed my mind at least 2000 times a day. Learning to let go and let be was a hard lesson for me but one well learned.

5.) I believe the initial acceptance to allow yourself to move forward is determined by your need. If you really need to transition, you are going to do it, period. Learning to live with that decision take a bit more time and you will have moments of clarity where you can see the big picture and you will have moments of blindness where you can see anything at all. You have to believe in yourself and rest upon all the struggles and hardships you have endured to this point to get you through.

Angela Campbell

08-14-2014, 01:43 PM

And if you've transitioned, what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?

Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?

What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?

I'm not going to answer all of these because for instance number 1 has already been covered pretty well, and the last one I have no answer for, but for the rest here goes.

The last straw that meant I could no longer live as a male? There was no "last straw" it was an ongoing process of getting over the fear and just moving forward. Yes I did have an "event" which I think started this but it was by no means the last straw and it was far before the decision to completely transition. In truth I wanted this since I was a child, it just took deciding I actually could.

Yes I Identify as a woman. I do not like being referred to as transgender at all and not real comfortable with transsexual either but here I am.

The most helpful thing I did was to meet others like myself and learn from them. The people I met both in real life and here allowed me to learn so much. Without this it would have been so much more difficult.
The most unhelpful thing was waiting until I was in my 50's to start.

Kaitlyn Michele

08-14-2014, 02:25 PM

Of course we are all different, but you will hopefully understand that transsexuals (most of us identify as women) may bristle at the idea of TG/TS as an identity....
I can see how a transsexual could not transition for many reasons, and there should be no issue for her to say I'm transsexual but haven't transitioned. A TG person is a wholly different thing and being TG implies that from an identity standpoint, some part of you identifies as male...sometimes I wish I could have identified at least partly as male...I wish I could have dressed at home or spent weekend out of drab....

that leads to the big question I noticed...what was the final straw. the final straw came in waves for me but I recall a moment where I read a specific article about transsexuals and the various stages we go through at different ages if we don't transition ...it blew me away...it was like reading my life story... I read it over and over...and I was desperate to find a glitch or something that rang UNTRUE so I could put the article away and move on, but I couldn't... I literally fell out of my chair and sobbed.... it all just poured out of me in the moment... Reading that article made the inner feelings that I kept so quiet and secret explode into my head... it was already happening of course but this closed the deal... one statement in the article said something about how some ts people reach their 50's and 60's (I was 47) and they are so entrenched that there is often nothing to do but manage their sadness!!!!!!!! ARgghhhh!!!!! I pictured myself on my deathbed and regretting that I had ever lived and that was that...

the good news is that 60 is the new 40 so I feel I have a lot of time to enjoy and lots of older ts people are transitioning later and later..

PaulaQ

08-14-2014, 02:50 PM

And if you've transitioned, what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?

When I realized that normal people don't spend months planning their own suicide that will appear as an accidental death, and that the feelings of misery, depression and anxiety were only eased when I was cross dressed. I also realized that the first time I saw myself in the mirror in a wig and breast forms, that the image looking at me in the mirror was really me, and the one who looked back at me on a daily basis wasn't. And I guess the final straw was when simply presenting as a man made me miserable beyond words - depressed, withdrawn. Oh yeah - and when I actually attempted suicide in a fit of despair.

I'd already realized that I was, and always had been, a woman. But I knew that I'd reached a point of "transition or die."

Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?
I identify as a woman. I'll describe myself to people as "trans" or "transgender woman" or "trans woman" because I think visibility helps us in the long run. (Even though at times it sort of sucks for me personally.) Still, I'm sick of hiding things - so I just don't, and damn the consequences.

What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?
The most helpful things I did were:

coming out to myself - without that, I'd have died
coming out to others, including my wife, awful as that was. It gave me freedom to explore who I was.
start HRT - this literally saved my life. I went from depressed, suicidal, anxious, panic attack stricken to feeling pretty normal rather rapidly. The anti-depressants and other meds I took did NOTHING in comparison.
move to an LGBT friendly area in Dallas
getting all the support I could - support groups, therapy, AA

The most unhelpful things I did were:

Not transitioning when I was 20
Living a lie for so very long
Trying to make things work for four months with my wife, at the end. It was hopeless.

Do you think that acceptance comes with time? And do you think its possible to become less accepting with time?

Acceptance with people from your past can be immediate, but it tends to come over time. Unfortunately, sometimes it goes the other way as well, and people from your past will initially support you, only to withdraw as they realize they don't know you any longer. I've seen both.

Acceptance in public tends to relate to how well you pass.

The real key, in my opinion, is simply to not care what other people think. Their views about us are more about them, and less about us most all of the time. This is hard, and you can really only do it well, I think, if you have others who are supportive of you and your transition. Often these will be friends you make who'd you'd never have known if you weren't trans.

Of course the most important person who must accept you is - YOU. This tends to improve over time as you transition, particularly if you are able to align your body with your mind. But I've found that I'm not really the person I thought I was, or would be. I'm something else - and it's taken me a while to be comfortable with who I really am - at least as far as I now know.

Rianna Humble

08-14-2014, 06:25 PM

Hi all,

I understand this is a thread for posting questions for all the TGs/TS here. I have a couple questions:

I'm sorry, you understand wrongly. This thread is entitled "Ask a Transsexual" not "Ask a Transgender member"

1. What is the difference between a transgender and a transexual?

Transgender is an adjective, so must be qualified with a noun. A Transgender person is someone whose gender expression is not always the same as the sex that they were assigned at birth. In this sense, it becomes an umbrella term for everything from occasional cross-dressing to transsexuality.

A transsexual person is one whose gender identity is opposite to the sex that they were assigned at birth.

2. After reading 7 pages of comments and opinions (I have to admit that I was skimming sometimes), I understand that even TG/TS have very different opinions about what it means to be TG/TS. Some are afraid to come out due to fear of various consequences but others are bolder in terms of facing the hardships entailed. If you haven't transitioned but always wanted to, what do you think would ultimately change your mind? And if you've transitioned, what was the last straw that meant that you could no longer live with your previously assigned gender?

For near enough half a century, I could have been loosely placed in your "always wanted to" category, except that I was fighting my own identity and struggling hard not to admit that I am a woman.

For me, the last straw was when I became physically repulsed at the very idea of continuing to present as a man. Some members here cannot understand that Gender Dysphoria can occasionally be so acute as to cause a physical reaction (in my case throwing up every time that I had to dress as a male). The mental health professional who screened me for other conditions that might need to be treated in addition to the Gender Dysphoria was able to explain to me why that physical reaction was stronger in some cases than others.

3. Do you identify more as a "woman", or a TG/TS, or does it not matter to you?

I am a woman. When serving on the Regional LGBT Equalities committee of my union, I serve as a transsexual member.

4. What do you think was the most helpful AND unhelpful thing you did in facilitating your transition?
The most helpful thing I did to facilitate my transition was to seek professional help.

I cannot currently think of anything unhelpful that I did to facilitate my transition. However, an unsuccessful element of my transition was the attempt to make a clean break by changing my last name as well as my first. A brief Google search will explain how that failed.

5. I believe being as different as we are can be ultimately a very rewarding and enriching experience in our lives although some would beg to differ. I get this impression that a lot of what we do rests on our level of acceptance. Do you think that acceptance comes with time? And do you think its possible to become less accepting with time?

I do not find many rewards in being transsexual, but I do accept that the freedom to be the real me has had a positive effect on how I relate to others (in the words of one very dear friend "you are a much nicer person to know than Robert").

In the sense that we have to accept who we are before we can take steps to make that a reality, then yes what we do relies on our level of acceptance. If you mean that what we do relies on acceptance of us by others, then in my not so humble opinion you are sorely wrong.

Does acceptance change over time? Almost certainly, bot self-acceptance and acceptance by others.

Kris Avery

08-28-2014, 03:39 PM

I have an odd question or two.

I am certainly a confirmed CD'er, but have always ALWAYS ALSO felt like I was a girl mind/soul/inside. My actions, my thoughts, my self-awareness has always (since birth) been girl in every way.
For the most part, it has not manifested itself other than internal thoughts and some darn odd questions about the way of the world for the most part of my life -- or so I thought.
My SO of less than 10 years - has always said I am very girly in every way. Mannerisms, nurturing, the way I hold my body, insight into others emotions and everything else she can think of, Bitch fits, etc.

In my late 30's I got into CD and found for the first time that I felt "closer to right" than I ever had before in my life.
It has progressed over the years and I have quite a collection of items, but I have never EVER thought of going out since I have a horrible self image.
I have heavy brow ridges and a pronounced nose and really don't look (from the neck up) like a girl that I feel inside.
Irony is that the rest of my body is fairly passable as I have lost about 160 pounds about 5 years ago and am only 5'8" and about 175.

Can I live with it this way? Well, I don't see any other choice (for me) that I have due to a special needs adult child who needs an Insulin pump.
I also have no desire to cause my blended family living in a small town the grief that would be associated with this here or lose my job.

My question for the group is - long term, have there been significant documented people who are CD'ers who are really TS who don't:
1--come out - and CD 24/7
2--go into "transition" mode? (may be the same)

BTW, I'm not worried about plumbing changes, they are an aside and don't apply to my question as I wouldn't consider that aspect for me.

I would consider permanent removal of body hair as shaving is wearing me out 7 years later and I'd like some slightly larger breasts (natural).

I also mean no disrespect to any TS here - at all - it's just "not for me" and "not possible in my lifetime". It's an interesting concept. Surely a "hard road".

I know everyone is different, but want to hear what folks might say. Thanks in advance.

arbon

08-28-2014, 04:20 PM

My question for the group is - long term, have there been significant documented people who are CD'ers who are really TS who don't:
1--come out - and CD 24/7
2--go into "transition" mode? (may be the same)

I'm unclear what you mean in #1 - if someone is CD 24/7 how would they not be out?

I am sure there are mtf transsexuals that resign themselves to living as men for various reasons, but doubt there is any sort of documented study of them or their numbers.

Kris Avery

08-28-2014, 08:15 PM

First, thanks Arbon for the reply ;)

I guess I'm trying to establish if it's possible to feel the way I do so strongly and with every fiber of my being...and not dress outside the house...never transition...and have/need to be OK with not taking it further....yet still totally consider myself a member of this smaller TS subset of the CD'ing population. Is that even possible?

I'm able to appreciate the needs of everyone on the spectrum and really am in awe of you gals.
I don't see any of this as a curse. I see it as a blessing.

In fact, I have seen much more meaningful and intelligent conversations in this area.:)

Rianna Humble

08-28-2014, 08:32 PM

Hi Wendy, there are definitely examples of transsexuals who manage to get by without transition for a period. There are also examples from among our membership for whom transition appears to be an impossibility.

Unfortunately, it is my experience that Gender Dysphoria left untreated will get progressively worse.

You will often see people in the TS forums urging people not to transition unless it is absolutely necessary, but if it does become necessary not to let anything stand in the way. Sadly not everyone is able to follow the second part.

arbon

08-29-2014, 12:19 AM

oh, now I understand better. You can consider yourself whatever you want. Whether or not you will be accepted is a different matter.

added later: Reading what I wrote above, not sure if it is quite right. Its not like a special club or anything. No membership. Just be yourself whatever that is, that's what you should accept yourself for and what people will accept you for. And TS is not a subset of the CDing population.

Badtranny

08-29-2014, 01:25 AM

You can be whatever you think you need to be. I personally support anyone's desire for actualization, or at the very least self acceptance.

The only problem I see with calling yourself a transsexual is credibility. I'm not talking about internet credibility. Shoot, you can make up whatever you want here and you may never get 'found out'. The kind of cred I'm talking about is real time/real life. If you met me at a business function, and someone told you I was trans, you might approach me and say "hey me too", and I might say , "oh that's cool George", or whatever your name is. I would be totally accepting and even sympathetic to your story, but I wouldn't necessarily accept you as "like me". I personally know quite a few TS women and most of them have had a pretty damn rough transition. They've lost wives, and jobs, and friends, and family. They have truly suffered for the crime of being true to themselves. I have had a comparatively easy journey, but even I had to leave a great job because of my transition.

Before everyone jumps up my ass, I am NOT advocating for everyone to transition at all costs. Quite the opposite, I think that not transitioning is always the most prudent thing to do. Those of us who are willing to risk everything just so the rest of the world sees a 'she' are almost cursed in my humble opinion. I'm just kidding, there is nothing humble about my opinion. My post transition life is waaaaay better than my dude life, but I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't wish I could have been a normal man. Or even a gay man for that matter. If you can get along without wrecking your life I think that's really great and you may indeed be a clinical transsexual, but I can't bring myself to call someone a sister who lives their life as a man. My roomie is a TS woman who divorced her wife, and her kids spend a lot of time here. One of my good friends also lost her marriage and is having issues with the kids. These are real people with real lives and I know them to be very kind and VERY thoughtful people who are enduring the slings and arrows of an outrageous transition. These people are my sisters.

You are welcome to join us here, but my 'sisters' have sacrificed a hell of a lot, and I think at the very least they've earned the hollow label of TS.

In our time, being a transsexual comes with a price, and if you're smart, you'll keep your hands in your pockets and not give a damn about joining our 'club'.

Kimberly Kael

08-29-2014, 10:03 AM

There are aspects of Melissa's post that ring true for me, and some that are troubling. Part of it is the insistence that suffering is inherently a part of the transsexual condition, when it seems like social progress points to this being less true over time. Pans indeed she admits that she suffered less than many (though this may be a relative thing - putting up with society's homophobia prior to transition may have added up to something pretty comparable in the end.) Certainly it's no longer a given that you'll lose your spouse, that your family will never speak to you again, that holding a job will depend on how well you're able to go stealth, etc.

The transsexual condition does vary across individuals, and it does change with time. I do think a part of the measure is constant, though, and that's the inability to simply go on in an assigned gender that simply doesn't fit. There's a world of difference between going clubbing dressed in a novel fashion, and living 24/7 with the expectation that everyone you meet should gender you consistently opposite how you were assigned at birth. There are obligations and challenges therein, and a discovery process of what it means to be a woman, or a man, that is pretty unique. Not in the sense that it's a set of identical experiences, but in that it's like nothing else my life prepared me for.

I didn't lose my wife. I haven't lost friends. I did ultimately decide to change jobs and the experience of working as a woman for my prior employer did play a part in that, but it was far from my only motivation for change. My father has all but stopped communicating and I haven't seen him at all post-transition, despite the fact that his wife owns a home about a mile from where I currently live ... but I don't consider that a part of my transsexual bona fides, just an unfortunate byproduct of a social conservative movement in this country.

So is there such a thing as a non-transitioning transsexual? Maybe. It might even be very much like a pre-transition transsexual's experience, but that's only a small part of the whole enchilada. They're the same in much the way an ear of corn is like a corn tortilla: not very. The process of transitioning is less of a change of clothes and more of wholesale reimagining of self.

LeaP

08-29-2014, 10:37 AM

The essence of transsexuality is congruence. So my minimum definition insists on including the need to resolve it. The proof of the pudding – Misty's credibility point – is whether one actually does anything to address congruence or not. I don't really care what that is. It may be going full time, going on hormones, surgeries, whatever. While I would not insist on transition to think someone trans (It's often quite obvious who is and who is not anyway), Misty's focus on material differences between transitioners and non-transitioners is valid in its own right.

Granted, not everyone can take action for a variety of reasons. But I think real such cases of that are relatively few. My suspicion is that most of the rest are making excuses. No one who hasn't got it figured out yet should be taking steps. But someone who is really adamant about being trans and is taking no action… well…

But what difference does it make anyway if you're not going to be out?

Badtranny

08-29-2014, 12:03 PM

I just want to clarify Kimberly's point about suffering. I am not insisting that somebody MUST suffer to be the real deal. I am only saying that they probably will to some extent. I'm sure there must be someone out there who transitioned and stepped into an incredible life with warm cookies and sweet cream coffee, but I don't personally know anyone like that. The TS women that I know are mostly all wonderful people who have the guts of any 10 men, but they have ALL suffered to some extent.

Even if your family stays intact and your friends or job don't get weirded out, (highly unusual for my generation) you still have to endure the social transition, and there isn't a middle aged TS alive who can do that discreetly.

I wish that nobody ever suffered for anything, and I'm truly sorry for those that battle these demons privately, but admission to this club, comes at a price.
The bar to acceptance and understanding doesn't get lower, it just becomes more accessible as you stand on the shoulders of the girls who risked it all before you.

Kris Avery

08-29-2014, 10:12 PM

Thank you one and all for your well thought out responses.

As I said at the beginning, I wished to learn a great deal more from others to be able to reflect and learn more about myself in the process.
Since there isn't a cost here for this, and at the risk of upsetting you gals, I did take a huge leap - shared some feelings and asked a few questions - based on my current understanding.

I definitely can accept that 'proof is in the pudding' and freely admitted I'm in total awe of you gals.
I am quite sure I don't measure up in many ways and honestly tried [unsuccessfully it would seem] to establish that in the beginning.

That said, I do have very deep long-term GD feelings and will be sure to keep my hands in my pockets for fear of what might happen.
I'm still trying to make sense of the alphabet soup in this area of human nature and figure out how I fit in - if at all. :straightface:

How much GD you have to have before you internalize TS in your persona remains a mystery to me.

I wasn't requesting admission but rather to be accepted/tolerated as I ask your group questions and possibly learn a great deal more about myself in the process.

I do know I will never be able to act much further than I have within my personal responsibility limits.
I think everyone/every situation is different - I think of it being like a dart on the board of life and where we end up - mostly depends on factors that we can't change.

I'm deeply sorry if I offended anyone and will not trouble you wonderful gals further since I appear to be ruffling too many feathers.

P.S. If you know of another area/forum of this board where these questions are better received - please direct me.

Kimberly Kael

08-29-2014, 11:17 PM

As I said at the beginning, I wished to learn a great deal more from others to be able to reflect and learn more about myself in the process.

I do hope some of the responses are useful, though it's obvious you didn't get what you were looking for. In part, I'm sure, because you're ultimately asking questions about yourself. That's simply not something here anyone can answer definitively, so we're left debating terminology. As is often the case, by the way, so you've hardly stepped into new territory here.

I did take a huge leap - shared some feelings and asked a few questions - based on my current understanding.

That's always a good place to start, but you should never ask questions if you're not interested in the answers you might get. It seems that somehow what you heard wasn't what you hoping for. Isn't that to be expected from time to time? Admittedly being extremely sensitive and transgender have a long history of going hand in hand, but rarely has it made anyone happy. Learning to deal with differences of opinion and adjust to difficult realities is pretty much required for anyone who is doing more than posing for selfies to post in safe spaces. I think it's perfectly reasonable for those here to point out that feeling like a girl doesn't qualify you to answer questions or present yourself as having insights as a transsexual - but that doesn't mean you aren't welcome to pose any question you might like or discuss any of the topics here. Topics that are intended for TS-only reaponses are specifically called out as such.

That said, I do have very deep long-term GD feelings and will be sure to keep my hands in my pockets for fear of what might happen.

I'm not sure what you mean by that, exactly, but we can all identify with the pressure of gender dysphoria. Some here will say they always knew they were going to transition, others resisted for as long as they could before it became obvious that taking action to realign their lives with their sense of self. "How bad is it going to get?" is one of those in-answerable questions. If it ever gets bad enough that you're less scared of transitioning than not, you'll know, and then you'll start down the path many have tod before you — and doubtless you'll trip over obstacles many never noticed, and skip right by a few that have been a major issue for others. Or you'll find that dabbling a little as a hobby works better for you. However it goes, I hope you find peace and contentment.

LeaP

08-30-2014, 01:59 PM

I definitely can accept that 'proof is in the pudding' and freely admitted I'm in total awe of you gals. I am quite sure I don't measure up in many ways and honestly tried [unsuccessfully it would seem] to establish that in the beginning.

...

I'm deeply sorry if I offended anyone and will not trouble you wonderful gals further since I appear to be ruffling too many feathers. ...

No-one is offended or ruffled that I can see.

There isn't anything to measure up to. When you think about it, the concept as it applies to sex and gender is kind of bizarre. You are what you are. What you do proceeds - or is driven - by that. That's all, she wrote. I can no more measure up to you than you me.

The point of all the credibility stuff stems from that concept. So from that perspective, it would be just as strange to ask if you can be considered a ninja, even though you don't train like one and can't fight like one. Or, since the less romantic life roles are just as valid, can you be considered a trucker, even though you don't drive? When people ask questions like this, when the inner life (God know what ninja or trucker minds mean) is divorced from the physical world, the question becomes less about some theoretical reality than it is whether, or to what degree it matters at all.

Truthfully, it doesn't much. I'm more or less recognized for who I am and frankly don't care how far my credibility goes. Heck, my credibility with MYSELF only goes so far! And that's OK, too, because an important part of managing my own issues is taking things in small steps. There's a lot I can theorize and speculate about that's forward-looking, but why bother?

You don't have to have ANY particular level of GD. GD doesn't equal transsexuality! What, if anything, that resolves the ambiguous identity situation you describe differs from person to person. It IS identity for some.

Angela Campbell

08-30-2014, 02:17 PM

I also don't see any ruffled feathers and quite enjoy discussions like this. The thing is, each one of us is different and has different issues. No one here is just like me, but there are many who have experienced similar circumstances. Some of us know we are ts from childhood and some have to find out later

the first few times i came in here looking for answers i didn't like what i was told either, but most of it was the truth and it scared the hell out of me.

Aprilrain

08-31-2014, 06:05 AM

How much GD you have to have before you internalize TS in your persona remains a mystery to me.

I wasn't requesting admission but rather to be accepted/tolerated as I ask your group questions and possibly learn a great deal more about myself in the process.

I do know I will never be able to act much further than I have within my personal responsibility limits.

I'm deeply sorry if I offended anyone and will not trouble you wonderful gals further since I appear to be ruffling too many feathers..

From Wikipedia ...
"persona (plural personae or personas), in the word's everyday usage, is a social role or a character played by an actor. The word is derived from Latin, where it originally referred to a theatrical mask."

Perhaps you unintentionally misused the word or were unclear what it's meaning is. Persona implies that one is acting or faking a role. That is definitely not me I'm too moody to fake anything, lol. Correct me if I'm wrong but I think what you're saying in that sentence is that you are not sure how bad the GD has to get before one needs to transition? I guess the answer is different for everyone. All I can say is that you'll know it when it happens! It's like a bell that's been rung, you can't un-ring it.

As far as being accepted/tolerated you don't need any thing special for that this is an open forum some people may like you others may not and that is their right but you have the right to post and ask anything you want within the limitations of the forum rules. You are accepted/tolerated simply by being a member of CD.com.

I'm not sure what "personal responsibility limits" are nor will I guess but I can say that most of us here transitioned at an age where we had established marriages, family life, careers, friends, histories, etc. in most cases transition is highly disruptive and a lot of people lose someone or something important to them but the need to be true to yourself out weighs the cost and social stigma of transition. Usually, in time, these disruptions settle and the damage is not as bad as it seemed like it was going to be. We almost never lose everything but one should be prepared for it because you don't know what you might lose!

Hey, I get it! I'm overly sensitive too and I can see how not really getting the response you wanted could seem like you have upset people or "ruffled feathers" but believe me you haven't. This is the kindest, gentlest, and probably best educated (thanks Lea) group of TSes I've seen here since I started hanging around.

Kris Avery

08-31-2014, 04:37 PM

A HUGE sincere and genuine thank you for each and everyone who weighed in on my questions.

I do feel welcome so thank you - and can definitely feel the friendships here and also feel the pain that everyone here experiences in one way or another in their life.
You have my utmost respect and understanding (as best as anyone can have understanding) who has had some kind hardship in their life - especially if you haven't "walked a mile in their shoes".

I have carefully reviewed pictures, surgery photos, and might I say that the road to beauty is obviously a hard road (and that's without all the society nonsense judging you as you express yourself).

I look forward to participating as best as I can to learn more about the group and ultimately more about myself.

abbyleigh001

09-16-2014, 06:10 PM

Hi Steph,
The most important issue is to remove yourself from the sexual labeling... It is so restrictive... I have found that I am most comfortable when I am able to freely enjoy and express my feelings for another... And yes as abby I am a lesbian and I derive great pleasure and satisfaction... So what does that make me... Well I am free of societal restrictive labeling...

Kathryn Martin

09-16-2014, 06:25 PM

How much GD you have to have before you internalize TS in your persona remains a mystery to me.

Hi Wendy, I think this is a huge misunderstanding. You don't have GD and depending on how much you internalize TS in your persona.

You are or are not TS. GD is a symptom of TS not the other way around. GD is also a very specific diagnosis. "Feeling right" when crossdressing is not one of them.

Being TS can also occur when you have zero GD. As Lea mentioned at the heart of TS is incongruence, that is a dissociation between how you experience your self and your body. For most TS this is crystal clear. Some experience depression in dealing with their condition and then it is called GD.

Aubrey Skye

10-01-2014, 12:44 AM

Hi all, I'm 23 and just identify as a CD for the time being. But I've had on two separate occasions (back in 2009 and now) where I started thinking about wanting to be a girl. I'm not sure if that I really want to or not, but I am starting to feel more like I don't like my body or belong in it. I've always liked the female body and anatomy much more and especially the clothes. I feel comfortable and happy in women's clothes, but I know that doesn't make me a TS, just a TG. I feel like transition could be a possibility for me in the future.

I guess my question is, what truly triggered your belief that you were meant to be a woman and not a man? Was there anything specific as far as a feeling or thought that made you believe you wanted to transition?

becky77

10-01-2014, 07:53 AM

I guess my question is, what truly triggered your belief that you were meant to be a woman and not a man? Was there anything specific as far as a feeling or thought that made you believe you wanted to transition?

I wouldn't say anything triggered it, I didn't know I was TS but I still suffered the symptoms my whole life. I decided to transition when through therapy I came to the realisation that it could potentially fix me, I felt broken and it felt like the only option left.
I don't believe there is any rationale to this, you just know and much of it is down to feelings inside. I can only speak for myself but I have always been different, all the signs where there in my past just no one to piece them together, it wasn't the case that I eased through life until suddenly something happened and I wanted to be female.
I've always been female, I just spent far too much energy trying to prove I was male and fit in to notice. It's like being ill and you just carry on struggling to live a normal life and compensating for your illness, until one day it's revealed to be a curable condition and not something you have to keep enduring.
The cure can be brutal though!
Transitioning silences the demons in my head. Now I sound mad!

Jorja

10-01-2014, 08:32 AM

Nothing triggered it. I always knew. It was my driving force from a very young age. It took until I was your age to start transition. I suggest you locate a gender therapist and start therapy sessions. Have them help you explore yourself and discover your own answer. It is different for everyone.

DebbieL

10-09-2014, 05:33 PM

My mother told me about when I was 2 years old. I would try to play with the boys down the street. She would watch as they would take my toys and I wouldn't fight to get them back. They would push me and I wouldn't push back. Often I would end up getting physically injured because I didn't have the organic instinct to fight back. At church I would tend to gravitate toward the girls even in nursery school, almost as soon as I could walk. When I was in a room with boys and girls toys, I wanted to play with the dolly and feed her. My favorite blanket was a satin comforter because in was soft and silky.

When a little girl moved in next door, I asked if she wanted to play with me. She was reluctant at first because boys played too rough for her, but we quickly became good friends and soon I was friends with most of girls on the block. I just seemed to enjoy playing with girls more, I liked the games, puzzles, telling stories, coloring, singing, and giggling. I just WAS one of the girls.

I didn't experience dysphoria until I was in first grade. I had moved to a new school and quickly made friends with most of the girls in my class. The boys made fun of me, but I didn't care, I wanted to play with the girls anyway. When they called me "Sissy", the teacher talked to us after recess, explaining how "Buddy" was another way of saying "Brother" and "Sissy" was another way of saying sister. I smiled because I liked being a sister to the other girls.

When one of the mothers decided there was a problem, she demanded that I be kept away from the girls. She assumed that I was going to do bad things to the girls. Since she had friends on the PTA, and the School Board, as well as City Council, my teacher told me I had to go play with the boys. They weren't surprised when I walked over, and told me to throw clumps of grass at the boys about 10 feet away. I threw about three clumps and suddenly I was in the middle of both "teams" getting pelted with rocks. So the first day playing with boys, I got stoned. When I came home, I got clubbed (guess what that was). The beatings continued twice or 3 times a day until summer.

I remember trying to run away when they tried to give me a haircut that summer. I wanted to grow my hair long and they were going to give me a buzz cut. I cried and fought the entire time, because I wanted to be a girl. At that time, the only difference I knew about was girls had long hair and wore pretty dresses. Boys had short hair and wore pants and itchy shirts. It didn't help that mom bought the pants 3 sizes too big and the jeans were so stiff it hurt to walk. I had 4 inches of cuff rolled up, and could barely walk. And they bought me flannel shirts in September so they wouldn't have to buy me more shirts in December. Wool flannel shirts on a hot September day was torture.

I never could accept being a boy. I hated Gym, lunch, and recess, and would stay after school so that I could sneak home without getting beat up. I had girl friends, and once I got home, there were girls on the block that I could play with. Walking to school, I'd walk with the girls, and some of them were tom-boy enough to protect me from the boys. At minimum, the girls could tell the teacher which boys attacked me.

To survive, I became a "bookworm", "egg-head" - often taking a book to read while on the playground. That way I could stay close to the teacher. I had asthma and could use the allergy and sickness as an excuse not to go out to the field where the boys played soccer (using me as the ball).

My parents thought I was accepting being a boy in 3rd grade, when I wanted to be a Cub Scout. I just wanted to be the first in my class to wear a uniform. I actually wanted to join the blue-birds (campfire girls) but wasn't allowed.

Mom finally stopped trying to fight it when I was 8 and I was cooking, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, doing laundry, and ironing. My dad used to joke "Rex you'll make some lady doctor a wonderful wife some day". I would smile so big and say "or lady lawyer".

Yeah, I was never a "boy" and certainly never a "man". I was ever more of a mommy than a daddy.

When my voice started changing and I started growing hair, I also became very self-destructive. I had read a bit about reincarnation and the idea of dying and coming back as a girl was very appealing. To me it wasn't suicide, it was just "a sex change the hard way". Fortunately, I survived in spite of myself and eventually got to be the woman I am today. I just wish I'd been able to do it 50 years ago.

JenniferYager

11-28-2014, 05:57 AM

At what point during your HRT did you know you couldn't "go back" because the physical changes were too much? And at that point, how did it feel?

Angela Campbell

11-28-2014, 06:21 AM

I knew I couldn't go back long before I started hrt.

Jorja

11-28-2014, 11:01 AM

For me, there was no point of no return. I had wanted this all my life. It was full steam ahead, get hell out of my way.

arbon

11-28-2014, 11:21 AM

When I started hrt there was no thought of ever going back.

Angela Campbell

11-28-2014, 11:23 AM

I guess in answer I will have to say that at about 6 months into hormone treatment, going full time was going to happen because at that time I really could not come across as a male anymore.

Facial hir was vastly reduced, had sporty little b's and was getting gendered as a woman. Physically I guess that was it.

How did it make me feel? it was a great relief. No more hiding. I was finally me. There is a time when it is quite awkward, but that passed. Coming out is not easy.

Rianna Humble

11-28-2014, 01:54 PM

I have to agree with the other posters that there was no thought of being able to go back and it had nothing to do with physical changes being "too much".

In my experience, someone who is born transsexual and who reaches the point where they have to transition will not be looking for a way back to hell.

Nigella

11-28-2014, 01:54 PM

I hadn't even been prescribed HRT before I knew there was no going back :)

Being prescribed HRT was just the marzipan under the icing.

Promethea

11-28-2014, 02:00 PM

I haven't started HRT and I'm also way past the point of no return if there ever was one.

A point of going-back-would-be-really-awkward was probably when I told my family. How did it feel? It felt great, as a victory for knowing that now I cannot go back. Burning the bridges from hell.

Aprilrain

11-28-2014, 03:20 PM

I kinda always kept the potential of "going back" in the background as a coping strategy, I knew I woudn't but it was comforting at the beginning to think that I could go back if I were making a mistake. The only step that felt totally permanent to me was SRS but by the time I did that I was well past the point of no return mentally and emotionally.

arbon

11-28-2014, 04:41 PM

At what point during your HRT did you know you couldn't "go back" because the physical changes were too much? And at that point, how did it feel?

I did not answer the question very well. I have been on HRT for over 4 years and the physical changes have not been so significant that I could not go back if I wanted to. Stop the hrt and cut my hair, and I could do it fairly easily, if I wanted. I have not had FFS or a BA or SRS.....

The hardest part would be the legal and social change again.

Rachel Smith

11-28-2014, 06:21 PM

Shortly after starting HRT. I would say about 3 weeks or a month when the incessent lightning bolts stopped in my head.

kkaye

02-14-2015, 07:17 PM

I intend to make physical changes of permanent facial hair removal and eventual limited hormone treatment. But, absolutely no intentions of losing my package, or anything that will affect it. My question is. Do any of your girls have recommendations.

Aprilrain

02-14-2015, 07:24 PM

My recommendation is don't touch hormones if you don't want anything affecting your "package."

Angela Campbell

02-14-2015, 07:40 PM

took just a few weeks to lose the "morning wood" after about 2 years it will not function at all in a male way. Testicles are pretty much gone. As April said....if you want your "package" unaffected, stay away from hormones.

As far as limited use.....you don't get to pick and choose the results.

Nigella

02-14-2015, 08:08 PM

To be blunt, don't consider any changes that you cannot undo. As you have been advised, hrt is not something that is limited, the results are variable in what happens to your body, however, the package will be affected. Stay away from HRT, it's not a toy.

TIFFANY B

02-25-2015, 04:42 PM

At what point in your life did you know it was time to transition.

steph1964

02-25-2015, 06:04 PM

I knew it was time to transition when I realized that I wouldn't be living much longer if I didn't. I thought that transitioning would ruin my life. I was married, have 2 children, a good career and a house. I thought that I would lose everything. I was hospitalized twice for stroke symptoms ( likely due to stress) and I was very depressed. I knew that if I didn't transition then I would either have a stroke or end up committing suicide.

It turns out that it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Although my wife and I separated, we are still good friends. My family and friends accepted me and I'm now happily living as a woman.

Transitioning is very hard and has the potential to devastate your life, so it shouldn't be taken lightly. But when I hit bottom, there wasn't really another option.

Rianna Humble

02-25-2015, 07:18 PM

I knew it was time to transition when becoming whole was more important to me than any potential losses (family, friends, career progression, return to politics ...).
Some of those losses have materialised, others not, but those that have were a price worth paying.

Jorja

02-25-2015, 07:24 PM

If my parents would have helped me, I would have transitioned as young as possible. I had to wait until I was 23 and had a few dollars saved up before I could even consider it.

Angela Campbell

02-28-2015, 04:44 PM

I knew when I realized that when I was the boy all i could think about was the girl. When I was the girl, I never thought about the boy.

Kimberly Kael

03-01-2015, 12:09 AM

Much like Rianna I finally made the leap once I no longer feared all the potential losses that I risked by transitioning. A huge part of conclusion only came about after getting enough practical experience in public that I knew I wouldn't be a complete social pariah.

I Am Paula

03-01-2015, 08:13 AM

I started getting physically ill, or I'd have long bouts of crying, at the thought of presenting male. Sometimes it would take me an hour to get dressed (male) in the morning.

Tina_gm

03-02-2015, 05:47 PM

What is your take on GD? by that I mean, is it how much you do or did not like the male parts and body, or that you wished and liked that which was more female/feminine? I do not know if what I feel is GD. If it is, so be it. The only thing I truly detest about me as a male is body hair. I like the feminine aspects of myself, and would like more of them. It is like for me, it is not how wrong it is to be male, or to present as one, but how right I feel or would as a female and to present as one. Is this considered GD?

Melissa King

03-08-2015, 01:10 PM

I have 2 questions, so I'll separate them for ease of answering.

As it's not been long since I've begun being open to both family and friends, I have troubles manipulating my voice to sound female (My voice isn't exactly deep either, but I can hear the difference when I talk to female friends). What did you do to help yourself get by this stage and what tips could you give me?

This one I have to be straight forward with. After transitioning and the healing process, how is sex? Was it better than your birth sex or equal or perhaps worse? Most youtube videos or information sites you can watch or read don't explain into this area (or not that I've found). Understandably, everybody is different so results would vary from person to person.

Rachel Smith

03-11-2015, 04:05 PM

Gendermutt

For me GD was mind numbing. Couldn't really focus on anything, just had lightning bolt random thoughts all day.

Didn't hate my male parts.

Your last ? would be best answered with the help of a qualified therapist.

Ann Louise

03-18-2015, 11:59 AM

Melissa,

Voice continues to be a challenge for many of us, myself certainly included. One of my dearest friends, a beautiful trans woman who transitioned quite a while ago, is so discouraged by her voice that she's remarked to me that she "...just can't do it." Public clockings, frowns and attitudes accordingly follow her nearly where ever she goes, and it's so sad because the incongruity is so great between her natural beauty and that darn voice. It takes a toll, surely.

I didn't allow myself to go there though. Although you may find courses of voice training specifically directed towards trans girls, they seem to be expensive, and typically include the particular proclivities of trainer which you may or may not find suit you. Similarly, there are likely actual voice trainers in your area perhaps, who for a respectable hourly fee will be able to help you out. Don't forget your checkbook though.

Fortunately, there is a mishmash of trans "voice" things on the net, YouTube for example. I would suggest taking as broad a sampling of what's out there on the net as time permits, and Try Them, no matter how stupid or embarrassing it might seem at first. I floundered for many months, then, one day during a seemingly futile training session, seemed to brake out into a higher range within which I still continue to practice each and every day, all day, with everyone. I think it's an attitude of confidence as much as working within the physical limitations that all that testosterone left us with. Once you think you're "there," no matter how tenuous, stay "there" and don't go back to your lower range Ever. You are to train your brain to accept that this new range is your "true" range, and you can only do that by it continually and repetitively ringing it in your head through your ears. And lose that monotone if you've got one - it's more than range and pitch. I've found comfort in a range surrounding the note D(4) on the piano, which leaves a bit of range above that for nice inflections of my voice to express myself better.

Sex? I lost my libido early on in HRT, but after a year or so stirrings began to return through the familiar old mechanisms of meeting new attractive people, taking in nice looking men and women in public, and of course, the net. My pre-op attempts at reaching the Big O were rather futile at first, but nonetheless, became successful. Post-op sex? I've only been out of surgery for three months, but I would say that I absolutely have an interest in sex, but my take on it is different than in days of yore. I want to meet new, interesting men and women, gain friendship and an emotional linkage with them, and then we shall see what we shall see. Based on what I've been told, I am not expecting the mega-earthquake type of orgasms that males might have, but hey, if a mega-O comes my way, I'm ready. Meow (=^_^=)

MsVal

03-18-2015, 06:30 PM

I am walking down the road blissfully going further and further without a destination in mind or an end in sight. I will remain a CD ... unless that changes.

For those who did not know from their earliest years, those that learned somewhere in adulthood that they were not a CD, but TS instead. How did it come about that you learned that about yourself? I want to know about your inflection point.

Best wishes
MsVal

BilliG

03-20-2015, 09:15 AM

I am blessed with the ability to present in either gender quite convincingly. I would prefer to be 100% female but since I am married my wife has requested that I be present as her husband half the time. I am early in my transition and I feel for the sake of my daughter (10) and wife, that I should go slower. This has caused some problems though. Let me give an example:
We were on vacation recently. My wife met a lovely lady and her 10 year old daughter and struck up a friendship that lasted the week. I was on the beach in male presentation when I met her.
For the rest of the week my wife asked me to not come down to the beach in female presentation. I complied but it felt bad. I don't have an answer for "part time" transitions. It's quite easy if you are anonymous. I didn't want to make this lady and her daughter uncomfortable since it is their vacation too and my wife and daughter were enjoying thermselves. It would hard to explain and uncomfortable for everyone when you know someone.
I have so many questions. Anyone with experience?
For me it would be much easier to present 100% as female. I think it just makes me look like a very confused person to come down one day as male and the next as female. Even I am not comfortable doing it. How can I expect others to understand and be comfortable?
I wouldnt know how to begin explaining it.
Anyone else been at this stage? Suggestions?

I think it just takes practice and experimentation. The male voice is dynamic and is certainly able to reach the tones in female. I have a link which might be helpful: http://lena.kiev.ua/voice/

http://lena.kiev.ua/voice/

I have 2 questions, so I'll separate them for ease of answering.

As it's not been long since I've begun being open to both family and friends, I have troubles manipulating my voice to sound female (My voice isn't exactly deep either, but I can hear the difference when I talk to female friends). What did you do to help yourself get by this stage and what tips could you give me?

This one I have to be straight forward with. After transitioning and the healing process, how is sex? Was it better than your birth sex or equal or perhaps worse? Most youtube videos or information sites you can watch or read don't explain into this area (or not that I've found). Understandably, everybody is different so results would vary from person to person.

Jennifer-GWN

03-20-2015, 11:36 AM

For me on the voice side I'm working to maintain a range between G3 to D4. My therapist wants to see 5 tonal steps consistently and solid with resonance capacity. D4 is tricky beyond projecting loudly the Vowels. But regularly work through the alphabet with resonance fluctuations and tonal variances.

Krisi

04-13-2015, 09:20 AM

"Ask a Transexual":

Ok, here goes. It's a practical question and a bit personal, I hope you don't mind.

If you are married or in a "permanent" relationship (with a woman), has your wife or partner stayed with you after your transition (and surgery)? Have you remained faithful to each other sexually and how is sex accomplished (in general, not in detail)? Have you wondered what sex with a male would feel like now that you have the vagina?

Thanks

Jamie M

04-13-2015, 09:31 AM

Hi krisi,

I'm two years full time, about 16months HRT and planning for surgery sometime late next year if everything goes well. My partner and I are technically still married although we now just refer to each other as our partners. It has been an incredibly hard and long road for both us to stay together and we've come very close to parting because of the very reasons you have mentioned above. She is in no way gay and I am very definitely Bi sexual. Long story short we are now in a platonic and non sexual relationship. Sex is an issue for both of us and does crop up from time to time but so far we are making it work and not focusing on the physical side we are both missing ( for my part the addition of decapeptyl anti androgen helped me immensely in that department ! ) .

Will things continue like this indefinitely ? Your guess is as good as mine and I did have a great deal of difficulty not overthinking that question. My counsellor and I spent a lot of time figuring out the difference between sticking our heads in the sand over the issue and realising that a decision about our future did not have to be made right now. We are getting on and our relationship is working for now, that's all we need for now and we'll let the future figure itself out.

We have both discussed the idea of sex outside the relationship in a hypothetical way and we both know that for us, that would not work. If we are going to be together then we can't be splitting ourselves elsewhere. that's just us and it might work for others but for now and the foreseeable future , sex in not in the equation for either of us

Hope that helps ,
Jamie

Jorja

04-13-2015, 09:43 AM

Krisi,
While the usual out come is a divorce or breakup of the relationship , there are some relationships and marriages that do survive. We have at least one for sure and maybe two or three couples on this very forum that have survived transition, FFS and GRS. It can be done but it takes two very special people to do it.

Nigella

04-13-2015, 12:50 PM

Ok, here goes. It's a practical question and a bit personal, I hope you don't mind.

If you are married or in a "permanent" relationship (with a woman), has your wife or partner stayed with you after your transition (and surgery)?

Yes, she is one of the Admins on this forum, she has supported me throughout my transition, despite being given the "opportunity" to walk away if she wanted to

Have you remained faithful to each other sexually and how is sex accomplished (in general, not in detail)?

Yes we have been faithful to each other in all aspects of our marriage, the marriage is not and never has been about sex or sexuality, it has always been about love and partnership. Sex, after HRT and surgery, has been just as two women having a relationship.

Have you wondered what sex with a male would feel like now that you have the vagina?

I guess I would be lying if I said no, but then again, I believe that cis people have at some time thought about sex with another man, or woman, it is then down to the individual on whether they act upon that thought.

Rachel Smith

04-13-2015, 02:53 PM

No. She told me to get the **** out if I was going to go forward with it.

I Am Paula

04-13-2015, 03:07 PM

Still married, and best friends with my wife. Sex has been off the table for a very, very long time. We do enjoy everything else a married couple does. My wife objects to the term 'gay marriage', but has gotten used to 'Same sex marriage'.

PretzelGirl

04-13-2015, 07:28 PM

Well, part of your question infers post-op, but the rest isn't phrased that way, so I will answer anyway and leave the "how do you do it after GRS" alone.

My wife and I stayed together and it is still a loving relationship. We have always been faithful to each other and I don't foresee that changing. In some ways, it seems my transition revitalized us. There are other outside issues that improved in the same time period, so it is probably a composite effect. We do have sex. It isn't like it used to be and it isn't like it will be (I am scheduled for surgery). Without details, the closest I can say it is exploratory.

PaulaQ

04-13-2015, 07:44 PM

If you are married or in a "permanent" relationship (with a woman), has your wife or partner stayed with you after your transition (and surgery)?

Four months after I came out to her, my wife told me to leave. I started transition the day I left. About 10% of us who are married stay together with our spouses post transition. Those marriages are often sexless, as best I can tell.

Have you remained faithful to each other sexually and how is sex accomplished (in general, not in detail)?

N/A for me - but if it's going to happen, it's going to be essentially lesbian sex between two women. Even pre-op, this is really the case. It's really nothing like having sex as a male.

Have you wondered what sex with a male would feel like now that you have the vagina?

No, I wondered what having sex with a male would feel like for a long time before I started my transition! I don't have to wonder now, as I have a boyfriend, although I still don't have a vagina. I am very much looking forward to finally having proper intercourse post-op. I really disliked having sex with women - it just seemed to be the only choice I had.

Krisi

04-14-2015, 06:39 AM

Thank you all, ladies. I see there are a variety of different situations, both in the partner situations and the degree of physical transition. It's good to know that some marriages stay together and it must take a lot of love for that to happen. I wish you all the best.

vanessalaw

05-17-2015, 05:19 PM

My wife was very supportive in the beginning, but the further I got into my transition the more difficult it became for her.
I understand though, it's a very tough spot for a spouse to be in, she didn't ask or want my transition. We divorced a few months after I started hormones.
It hurt for a long long time, I was angry, depressed, resentful. But I moved past that. I turned her world upside down, and she is a blessed person for having supported me so long.
I think it worked out the best for both of us. I'm happily married now to a man I love dearly, and I think if we'd stayed together it would have made us both miserable in the end.

Abby Kae

07-13-2015, 12:55 PM

Did you ever NOT know that you were a woman? It seems that a statistically significant portion of the transgender women here have always known that something wasn't quite right for them.

For me, it's never been so cut and dry. For many years, I've been able to live a masculine, male life without feeling like I was faking it. But as I discovered more and more about how much I want (even need) to be feminine, I started asking myself more questions that I've never contemplated before. "Is this why my favorite presents at my 4th birthday were a My Little Pony doll and a Barbie?"

"In all the video games I've played as female characters, is it really because I just like the view from the back?"

Is it even possible to come to this realization so far down life's road?

I don't know who or what I am, and I don't think I ever have... but while the idea that I'm transgender (or gender fluid) seems to fit a lot of my puzzle pieces together, I feel like I'm missing some sort of core thing that definitively states, "Yes. You're a woman."

Am I broken? Doomed to never know who I really am?

Badtranny

07-13-2015, 02:19 PM

Did you ever NOT know that you were a woman? It seems that a statistically significant portion of the transgender women here have always known that something wasn't quite right for them.

Be careful of what you read here. There is no vetting for honesty or identity. We pretty much take everyone at their word, which is fine for surface relationships but very bad for actionable intel.
In my view, a transition shouldn't even be considered if you never had any gender dysphoric feelings as a child. Some may disagree but transition is so damn difficult that I can't imagine doing it without the feeling of contentment in my bones.

. "Is this why my favorite presents at my 4th birthday were a My Little Pony doll and a Barbie?"

Perhaps, but be very careful about reaching back and plucking out selective memories. Many young girls would not be happy to receive such gifts, and many boys grew up playing with dolls to become regular straight dudes. I saw a comic once depicting a little boy playing with a baby doll as a horrified woman tells the mother "you shouldn't let your son play with dolls, or he might grow up to be..." the mother replied "a father?"

Dolls and Ponies do not a little girl make.

"In all the video games I've played as female characters, is it really because I just like the view from the back?"

Thanks for bringing this up. Now please drop this ridiculous line of reasoning. I see it a lot on this forum from the younger crowd. Maybe I'm just a cranky old lady, but do yourself a favor and try not to bring video games into serious discussions about grown up issues. It tends to have a negative impact your credibility.

I don't know who or what I am, and I don't think I ever have... but while the idea that I'm transgender (or gender fluid) seems to fit a lot of my puzzle pieces together, I feel like I'm missing some sort of core thing that definitively states, "Yes. You're a woman."

Am I broken? Doomed to never know who I really am?

Broken? probably. regular men don't have these questions. Are you a woman? Probably not, it is a pretty rare thing after all. Should you transition? I wouldn't advise it. It's really a bad idea, even if you feel completely normal afterwards. I would've rather taken a pill to make me a normal dude. My life was good then.

I think you should find a therapist and do some self discovery. Maybe you're gay, or gender queer, or maybe you're just a standard straight male CD. Maybe you're a real live transsexual and you need HRT and transition to sort it out. Who knows? At the end of the day, only the shadow knows. Your shadow.

Megan G

07-13-2015, 03:05 PM

For many years, I've been able to live a masculine, male life without feeling like I was faking it.

This jumps out at me a little, that you were able to live a masculine life and not feel that you were faking it. While I lead a good life I always had issues knowing that I was not being completely honest with myself. I overcompensated to try and prove my masculinity.

I am not going to say your this or that as I believe that is an answer you need to come to yourself. My only recommendation is get a good therapist and work thru your feelings.

Am I broken? Doomed to never know who I really am?

Nope your not broken, you suffer from the condition called "being human"....

The answers you seek are inside..

Ayadooo

09-01-2015, 05:54 AM

Q1. would you like to surprise your partner (female/male) who met you several days ago ?
Q2. transgendering ,, is it more about the personality ,, or more about having a special life as a special person who is demanded by people ??

I Am Paula

09-01-2015, 06:23 AM

Q1- Yes, with some flowers, or a cake.
Q2- transgender is not a verb.

Please try to restate your questions.

Contessa

10-14-2015, 12:04 AM

No I don't think that I was really abused but a little by my mom would may have just over punished her child. But maybe I did do some to cope, and then also to living with an over bearing wife for over forty years. But don't alot circumstances happen that may be the same for others in this community. I am 24/7 and have been for about 5 years. I've finished my transition by what I will do, no BA no FFS no SRS. I am just a happy little old lady. Haven changed my name nor my voice. My only thing is I still love women and always will even when though I not with one. Once I heard from behind me I had gotten on a trolley "What a beautiful man," I said nothing to the lady because she said beautiful I could live with that. There have been a lot of things said to me but I still go about my life as a woman and will for the rest of my days cause its me and I want to. And also most everyone who knows me Call Me Connie or Contessa

Connie
Is this what you are asking