Not so good, I think.

[RachelDee]

I went to see the therapist this morning, just incase ill refresh what went on previously: I told my therapist (seeing for OCD) about my CDing and he said he could handle it when i asked if i needed to see someone else.

Well this morning (after talking to him about 3-4 times about the issue in previous sessions) i explained that i have come to the conclusion that im not just a 'crossdresser' and that the dressing is more than a 'thrill' its more of an identity. I feel a lot better with myself when i can get out of male clothes and into clothes i want to wear -- I explained that i feel even if i was female i wouldnt have to wear 'dress' to feel that i would just be happy to be female.

I have very mixed feelings towards my body, and wish i could change it. This never made sense to me before i discovered sites like this. For as long as i can remember i have always been attracted to wanting to wear/be female in some way. I put that to one side thinking it was 'wierd' or 'strange' and that i definatley should never talk about it with anyone. Once i found sites like this and realised i was not alone, and that these feelings had a reason -- It made more sense. Now ive spent a lot of time thinking, and re-thinking and im more than 2000% sure that i do want to be female. It's not about me wanting to be a hair dresser or so i can become a make-up artist or something, i dont know if i will fit every 'typical' female stereotype. I will just be myself... but be more happy with myeslf and the way i look and feel.

I have always felt like i was missing something since my early teens, I assumed it was the fact that I hadent dated/had a girlfriend -- I wasnt 'popular' enough during the school days ;) and was a bit different from the other guys, they hung around in gangs acting all tough... I was happy to just get on with school work... go home, do things, I guess thats when OCD started becoming an issue when I left school and was at home too much...

Anyway i came to realise that it wasnt that i wanted a girlfriend (I do, hopefully one day ill meet someone special..) but that i actually want to be a girl... I feel so calm and happy when i can dress. But its not enough, i feel 'boxed' into a little bit of being me and being someone else during the day.

The point of this was today i went to the therapist with a very specific goal, I wanted advise on HRT. Unfortunatley he didnt seem to be too well versed on their effects and uses... He said you grow breasts but 'so what'. He said HRT and Surgery would be far far down the line for me... :( i told him about the information id read about taking them short term to see if it feels right... i didnt mean see if i like breasts i meant to see if i feel more content and like the changes.

He suggested other ways to to express this other than me wanting to be female full time. I should/could maybe take on a female role, maybe get a job as female... what?? I'm a guy... i still look like a guy! How can i get a job as a female! A guy in a dress isnt going to get empolyed quickly! Not to mention how humiliating it would be... I can't begin to live any part of my life more female without some sort of treatment. I do as much as i can without being obvious about it...

My personal plan was, as I had been on HRT for longer and longer i would change my apperance gradually with the changes. Working my way through that and other treatments with SRS being the final thing on the list... as much as id like to be how i want outside of my room i wouldnt be... id be a guy in a dress id look awful so i dont see how i can just start living like a female to see how i like it without doing anything! :thumbsdn:

I'm worried, im already dealing with my parents and sister knowing about this. I understand this is going to take time but i dont want to put my life on hold anymore! I want to get on with it... but i think that if i have to see another therapist its going to take ages to get to see someone, then they might be like my current therapist wanting me to keep discussing it and thinking about it... im concerned that ill be wasting so much time that ill have hardley any 'youth' left to enjoy properly once ive got what i want.

I feel like someone in a retail store, I know what i went in to buy but the sales guy keeps trying to sell me something else. :( It's depressing because to go private and actually get anywhere is going to cost more money than i could afford... im going to see my GP to get on any list i can with a proper gender therapist, i just pray that they listen to me and realise i know what im saying. :confused:

[DonnaT]

I feel like someone in a retail store, I know what i went in to buy but the sales guy keeps trying to sell me something else. :( It's depressing because to go private and actually get anywhere is going to cost more money than i could afford... im going to see my GP to get on any list i can with a proper gender therapist, i just pray that they listen to me and realise i know what im saying. :confused:

Good idea Robert, seeing your GP and a real gender therapist. I know going NHS takes a couple of years at least to get to where a lot of girls desire to be, and going private speeds things a bit. However, if you can't afford to go private, NHS is about the best way to go in the UK.

http://www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/en.aspx?articleid=435
http://www.transhealth.co.uk/counselling/

One thing you really need to get your head around is this hangup of looking like a man in a dress. So what! There are RGs in the UK, just like in the US, that look like men in dresses. I think it's very important for all TS's to learn to accept themselves, no matter what they look like, and not give a damn what others may think.

[Sharon]

I agree that it's a good idea to try to find a therapist who specializes in gender issues, Robert. I'm not sure how socialized medicine works in the UK, but isn't it possible to be referred to the the correct doctor?

Beyond that, though, please don't be in such a hurry to start HT. A good therapist will want to meet with you several times before coming to the conclusion that they are the correct choice for you. You yourself have written about your doubts and confusion, so it should be expected that a therapist will need to help sort things out first.

[Lauren_T]

...
One thing you really need to get your head around is this hangup of looking like a man in a dress. So what! There are RGs in the UK, just like in the US, that look like men in dresses. I think it's very important for all TS's to learn to accept themselves, no matter what they look like, and not give a damn what others may think.I wholeheartedly second that! :thumbsup:
I've personally come to accept that no matter what I do, including hormones, I'm not going to be taken for a GG.

I have concluded that it is no matter. I will always look like me, and good people will always accept me as that - those that won't, I'll have naught to do with.

[RachelDee]

Well it just felt like a kick in the stomache today that was all. I keep thinking (and its keeping me awake nights too :thumbsdn:) how im going to get through this, when the NHS is renowned for their 'slowness' and they will want to do as little as possible basically... no doubt the rules for SRS are there, not just to protect people from making a mistake, but to avoid the large costs on just 'anyone' unless they have too. I could end up waiting a long time just to even see someone and then be confronted with 'Well you will have to live as a women for xx months, then take a job as a women for xx months... then we might let you have the HRT... maybe' kinda stuff.

I don't know if i will ever be taken for a GG, but its not just myself that i have to think about. My family are not going to be extatic if see me parading around looking like a guy in a dress. If i at least looked half-passable that might be better for them to handle.. and also for myself. I don't expect to look totally female instantley, but there is no way i could get away with it now with 'stubble' on my chin. I would probably get stoned in the street +?

I don't expect to look like my Avater when/if this is 'complete' but i would at least hope people wouldnt still be calling me 'sir' and 'mr' when im out and about....

I showed my mother one of those links you provided there DonnaT, the at the NHS about Gender Dysphoria. She just highlighted it said 'sometimes' people transition. Then she got a bit emotional after we finnished talking and started filling up with tears...

I understand what you mean there Sharon, but ive gotten rid of most of my doubts. My main doubts now are centered on how other people (mainly family) will accept me and of course, if i will be able to afford the cost of a transition (should paying be the only route). I wanted to try HRT for a few months, just to see if the 'decrease' in sex drive and other effects made me feel better - at the moment i really wish i could get rid of the male hormones! I hate it! Anyhow i will report later if things change.

Thanks for the support as usual :thumbsup:, regards. :)

[Maria D]

Hi Robert :)

It took me many years to gain the courage to leave my house dressed as a woman. When I first did so, and on many occations after that, I was not on hormones, and had no physical help to look feminine, other than clothes and makeup.
Thing is, though I knew, really, who I was, how did I REALLY know what it was LIKE, being 'out there' as a woman? I didn't, so I took this step outside, like a first baby step on the long road.
Honestly, I felt terrible. I was scared stiff and felt sick. I felt like you think you'll feel: a man in a dress. Surely people would just laugh? Surely everyone in the world would point, and ring a newspaper to take pictures of the freak?
I felt that, but I did it anyway, and I was wrong. People didn't really care. Shop assistants have either seen it before or just want to make a sale. I was called Miss, I was treated well, and frankly by the end of the day I realised that I'd had the best day of my life. And the odd thing was, it was the best because 'nothing had happened'.
That first step gave me the strength to start travelling the rest of the road. It showed to me that it was doable andthat it could only get better from there.
Oh, and believe me when I say that you will NOT have had more stubble than me. I had Homer Simpson symdrome. I used Max Factor panstick, but I hear great things about dermablend.
I popped down to London from Leeds by train to see a gender specialist, and had no comments at all. I've been through London hundreds of times, but that was scary to start with. No one I knew, no help, just me in heels and a handbag. Well, not in the handbag, holding...
But it was fine, and it really helped me feel better about myself. And of course, all without altering my body at all.
It's worth remembering that when you start out, you are at the stage that an 'out' CD is at, and it doesn't stop them. Different for a job perhaps, but in terms of every day life like shopping, it's the same.

Lastly, have you considered that, though you are worried about being a man in a skirt, if you do 'blend genders', as you have considered, you will, at some point, end up in the same situation reversed?
I had my breasts pointed out at work last week to embarrassing effect, my beard hair is light and patchy now due to months of IPL but my top lip is still hairy, I am getting big hips, my manner is feminine, my face is feminine, and I wear feminine tops with jeans. So what am I to people? In a way, just as much of a freak as when I started. You have to laugh. And that's really what I want to say Robert. You need to be comfortable with being different, because there is no way to walk into a phone box and emerge as superman. Sorry, a woman.
I WISH there was, I really do, I hate that this makes people so unhappy, but you would have to get used to it, becuase transition takes time, and while going 'through' it, you are not quite one, not quite the other.
These probably aren't the words you want to hear, they certainly wouldn't have pleased me years ago, and hell, they don't please me now, but I won't lie to you.
It's your choice what to do with your life, and it's not going to be easy whatever you choose. I don't think your current therapist is the right one for your gender issues. I have a gastric problem and wouldn't want to see a general doctor, I have been referred to a specialist.
I strongly recommend going to your GP, ask to be referred to whatever GIC your PCT uses. If they don't know, get them to find out, and refer you. Then you should be able to find out the waiting times for that GIC. Then you'll be in a clearer position to decide what to do next. If it's a long time, there is always private care, but it does cost a few hundred.
Ultimately, a specialist will be able to ask the right questions to help you figure out for yourself who you are, what you really want and how to make that happen.

Take care and good luck.
Maria
xxx

[MandyTS]

Great post Maria.

I posted a few pics in the photo forum of me going to therapy in LA this morning (that is Los Angeles, California). I am not a petite person and like a friend of mine I will never really be. I can loose about 50 pounds but I will never be less than about a size 14 or so (I am a 16/18 right now) due to frame size. I look like a blimp right now, fat pig. I look at my face and see a brow ridge that is nasty (FFS stuff needed). I have quite a feminine face, I look like a bigger boned GG. All that means is I will never wear petite, but who cares. I find clothing that I am comfortable with that look ok and is not too bad... I am myself. With hormones things will change, my face, my body. I will loose weight, hopefully down 30 or so pounds in 4 months (220 would be nice, 190 a final goal).

I am worried about transistion times, having breasts and looking quite feminine but still trying to pass for a guy. We all have struggles. Someone told me I would never have a husband someday. I said there are people who like each of us. Just because I am tall does not mean I can not be fit, toned, etc.

Take it one step at a time and for a laugh check out those photos...

Mandy

[Julie]

What you're going through a lot of other girls have too. Exactly where you fall on the gender continuum only you can say but one thing for certain is the more you know the more sure you will be of the decision you finally come to. We all need to follow our hearts but we have to be sure those feelings aren't clouded by outside influences including those things you've learned in the course of your life.

When I was in therapy with a gender specialist I was surprised she brought up transitioning in just the first session. This woman is Mensa smart. She's a wealth of knowledge on gender related topics. She had her own self realization after years of marriage when she admitted to herself she was lesbian and knew she had to be true to herself. She's counseled many TSs all the way through SRS. She's seen so many different variations in the gender continuum her opinion should hold some weight. I would think she could recognize where a person falls in that continuum. She never said but I'd guess she would classify me as transsexual. And she's probably right. Not a day in my life has gone by that I didn't wish I was female.

But I had a lot of other things to consider besides myself. I was a husband and father. I had a job that I could never transition in without risking physical harm. I didn't have enough money put away to retire and I was deep into a retirement program I just couldn't walk away from without causing myself a lot of financial stress later on. And of course there is always the physical aspect of this, testosterone did a lot of permanent damage to prevent me from ever hoping to be able to transition w/o being clocked, a lot.

I was trying to find a way to put an end to this inner turmoil. I wanted to still be able to be there for my kids as their dad and I had to work for at least another four years, as a man, before considering retirement. Therapy had taken me from believing there's no way I'd ever transition and am stuck living with this endless battle within me to believing I could put an end to it by transitioning.

Then I read an article about a TS who transitioned but kept her male personna for family and work. She had SRS but would still show up at family functions as 'him'. Finally one of the family members came up to her and said they all knew and appreciated her not wanting to upset anyone but it was time for her to be her real self. The family was okay with it. I liked that scenario. It fit what I wanted to do.

I thought about this for a while and wondered if I could do the same. I would use a male personna at work and for my family and the rest of the time I could be who I wanted to be. One thing the SOC recommends is a one year real life test. I knew that would be impossible if I was to transition the way the other girl did. When I brought this up in a session the therapist suggested I pick out an SRS surgeon and together we'd go to him/her and discuss this. The therapist was open to it. She saw in me the intense need in me to put an end to a lifetime of unhappiness (my words, not hers). She was willing to set aside the SOC recommendations because she knew one set of rules cannot apply to all people (again, my words).

What I'm getting at is the importance of finding an experienced gender professional. You still need to follow your gut instinct but an expereinced professional can guide you, provide you with the tools you need and give you the information you need either in the session or through recommended reading. All this will help you come to the best solution for you.

I determined I didn't need therapy anymore. I needed time to think about all I had learned and experienced and weigh all the benefits and consequences of whatever path I decided to take. And most importantly I needed to take it slowly. I rushed into it because I was so anxious to find internal happiness. I had been so unhappy for too long. But that resulted in more unhappiness than I anticipated when I lost a lot. That's why it's advisable to take these things slowly.