I need some help on this

[Jessica86]

I came to a realization today. As my wife and I made plans this week to spend time together. Today.....I was supposed to dress up, and be able to hang out with my wife. After a long day, and returning to the house, I began to ask questions about where my hair brush had gone. We hadn't even started yet, but I just asked because it was missing. After a talk, and the time went past nine, I looked at my wife while sitting next to her, saying "Didn't we have plans tonight?" She sighs, and says "Yeah, just go get dressed." What the heck did I do?

Needless to say, I didn't. What has happened to our relationship? My wife has been faking this all along.....well....I feel like that is what has been going on. My problem is that now, I discover also that I have scabies, a common skin disease....in early stage. I just got over this. My wife's mother is a nasty, wretched, stupid woman who just doesn't listen to anyone. My wife took our children to her home after we knew she had this. Now, my oldest son is covered in scabies bites, and I have a few since handling him today. The only good thing is that we are already both covered in medicine (promentrhine) since I had plenty on hand. I told her not to take them over there...yet she did anyway.

My wife doesn't listen to me anymore. Every time I even remotely try to get dressed around her, I get a sigh, and a "Just go." Kind of like a "Let's just get this over with," attitude. I want to find someone who is okay with who I am. I confronted her tonight, and she claims she is fine with it. Why is it such a problem then? I have two children, who I love dearly, and I do not want to lose. The thing is that I have not been happy in a long time. I feel like.....I need a change. Every day I wake up as a man, I am unhappy. I hate looking down, and seeing what I see. My mirror image....I hate it. I don't even feel like a man anymore. I am a cop, and I get tired of always living the life where you have to tell people what to do. I am so out of place, and I need help.

Therapy isn't an option. Well, I guess it might be, but she won't go. I know the road I'm headed down as I have been down this road before. I dream almost every night of what it would be like to live as a woman. In my dreams I am happy. I recently made a video of male/female pictures of myself. I could not find ONE single picture of myself in male mode where I was smiling. I'm not happy. I showed my wife the video as she walked in on me making it, and she just shrugged and walked off.

I'm tired of always doing things for other people, and I haven't taken care of what has been staring me in the face all along. I feel like a woman. At first, I thought I would never transition. Now, it's all I think about. I think my life would be better as a woman. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no friends as most left my world when I became a cop. That's because some where drug addicts, and others where just thieves and what have you. That will happen. I want to transition, but I know this will cost me my marriage. My children. Possibly my job. What am I supposed to do? I know I am tired of my life. I'm tired of waking up just living and floating through my life. I want to live it. I want to be Jessica. I want to be with someone who will not lie to me about their feelings with this subject. I feel that is what my wife has done to me. I can't tell whether the feelings are faked, or if they are real anymore. I can't even ask about our kids without getting a lie. I'm done with my relationship. I can't do this anymore. The only reason why I am sitting here, is that I am looking at my three year old son. He needs mom and dad. What am I supposed to tell him?

I'm sick of being a man because men have to make the sacrifice of being unhappy in order for their kids to be happy. A woman can leave any time she wants to and win child custody and child support. Look up the statistics. I'm stuck. I need some serious advice on what to do. I want to be happy again. Right now, I'm not. I don't see a future with this life I have now. I want to start anew, and begin to transistion into Jessica. I told my wife I didn't want to. That was then (three or four years ago) and this is now. I'm so tired of being ignored. I want to share all of myself with this world. I never saw myself getting to this position....but here I am.

[Jenniferathome]

Jessica, there is a lot here but you need to be objective. First, you told your wife one thing about transition but you now believe something entirely different. Feelings don't change over night. Your stress about this is undoubtedly affecting your marriage subconsciously. My take on your post is that you have given up on your marriage and you are finding ways to blame your wife. It's a two way street in marriage. If you want to end it amicably, you can do that. You will both have to work that out but don't start from anger. Your kids will be affected but divorce happens all the time. Separating on good terms will help them immeasurably.

Everything you wrote has to be shared with your wife. Calmly. Objectively. And most importantly, for the benefit of your kids. Get your thoughts together. Write it down but drop the "my wife won't embrace my cross dressing" and "no one likes me" lament. Take the high road. Good luck.

[biggirlsarah]

Hi Jessica , your situation at the moment seems desperate , but as Jennifer said you seem to have given up on your marriage, and you are using your thoughts about transitioning as an excuse to get out , and blaming your wife because she hasn't fully accepted your dressing , well why should she , she married a man not a woman , was she fully aware of your desires before you got married? firstly also about counseling I think the best thing is to get your mind sorted out first, and if it transpires that you are actually transsexual and you do decide to go down that road then divorce is inevitable, the marriage cant be saved, and you will have to accept that, also in these enlightened times that we live in then you may be able to transition and stay in your job , I'm sure there are some post op transsexual officers your police department, but if that is not the case then you will have to accept that , unfortunately many people who transition tend to loose many family members as well as friends , but there is no point in living your life in absolute misery, because things will only get worse, you have to come to a point and say enough is enough and decide to do something about it , its going to be tough and possibly lonely, but you have many friends on here so good luck , love and hugs Sarah xxx

[Brenda79135]

Dear in the headlights. That is not a comfortable place to be. You feel trapped by everything around you and you don't see a way out other than wiping the slate clean and starting over. Even though your wife won't go with you, seek professional help. Sometimes just talking things out with someone who is unbiased helps move your world. Getting stuck in the same daily routine can cause strees that makes you feel trapped and going nowhere. The need to change something is overwhelming. It can be as easy as taking a family vacation away from the house. Seeing something new. You have to decide take take control of your life and inventory what is important to you and what isn't. If it is not important, then don't worry about it. If it is important, then what can you do about enhancing the joy you get from it. Again, professional help wil help you get you head back on its shoulders and get you going soen the path that you chosse.If you do transition, you have to seek this help anyway.

[suzy1]

Only adding to the good advice by the others here Jessica.

I was in a marriage that was dead but I didn’t know it. But my friends and family helped me to see it.
I’m not saying that your marriage is dead but if it is you are just hitting your head against a wall. [I did that for years] What a waste of time and my happiness that was.

The other thing I would like to say is personally I am not a big fan of counsellors.
So if you have a good friend or friends you could talk to that would really help!

All the best, Suzy.

[stephNE]

Jessica, sound like you already have good advice here. Remember, this is a change for her. Take it slow, talk with her, and be patient. I hope all works out good for you. Steph.

[Rogina B]

Calm down!!!There is a whole lot on your mind and some of it will appear selfish and bazaar to her..You've blown a gasket..

[DonniDarkness]

Start with a therapist.

Jess you need to go see a therapist, you need to have some mental direction and a therapist could help you focus your personal goals.

Then Communicate with you wife.

The two of you need to be able to have dialog about whats bothering both of you. If your not expressing your anxieties to each other your relationship can be hurt beyond repair, the problems your both facing could just end up escalating to a point that it just seeds angst for each other.


I'm tired of waking up just living and floating through my life. I want to live it. I want to be Jessica.

Do you have a support circle for CD'ing? Before i came out and started going out dressed i was so frustrated with myself and my life in general. I started to see a therapist. I started being more open about who i was. I started going out. All the fears that i had started to diminish....but the most important thing coming out has done for me is that it gave me a positive outlet for expressing myself.

I used to dress and then just cry, feeling sorry for myself because i had put so much effort in and had no positive validation. I had lost my will to be who i was both as a father and as Donni. But after i got involved with the local LGBT community and started going out and meeting other couples and CD'ers.......all those thing that i felt bad about started to go away as well.

I guess what im saying Jess, You need to fix YOU. It doesnt sound like your in a place with much confidence, you need to find that person again. Fix yourself and then you can make positive steps within your relationships.

Best wishes,
-Donni-

PS. Im around if you need to talk. PM me

[Jessica86]

Donni, thank you so much for your post. That's what I am trying to do. I have a hard time doing that whenever you can't find help....where you are supposed to start.

To the others, my wife has been supportive. That's the thing. All of this seems fake to me, as it is always an inconvenience to even talk about it anymore, when we were once going out together. Doesn't seem right. I want the truth, but if you ask the same question three times, you get three seperate answers. I am not blaming anyone for anything, but I simply can't drive a car if there isn't any gas in it. There's no use. I have talked with her, and still, I can not tell you where she stands on it. She says one thing, then another, then sighs, rolled eyes, and walk offs follow. She doesn't view it as a serious thing.

I have known many people have had thoughts of "I'm not transitioning," but then do it. If that was the case, all would have their surgery at 21. When they can. Thoughts do change about yourself. I have calmed down today, as all could see I was very agitated last night. I'm just tired of being in a relationship where I do not count, my feelings don't matter, and all I am is a pay check. That's how I feel. When I tell my wife that, I get rolled eyes and a "Well, I don't know." I have noticed a majority on the site seems to side with the wives just....because I guess. If you think this is MY fault....give me some ideas to fix it. I seriously do not believe this is me. I'm the one who has initiated the conversations, and they all have not done a thing.

[Stevie]

My wife told me that she will be faking it. She doesn't agree with it but for our sons sake she is willing to deal with it.

[Jenniferathome]

...I have noticed a majority on the site seems to side with the wives just....because I guess. If you think this is MY fault....give me some ideas to fix it. I seriously do not believe this is me. I'm the one who has initiated the conversations, and they all have not done a thing.

Jessica, I don't think the wives get the benefit of the doubt just "because." Cross dressing is a lot to ask of any wife. Those that are tolerant, like yours, have given more in the relationship than we cross dressers. IF everything was 50:50 in the relationship, the scales tip in her favor for being CD tolerant. That is kind of my baseline. So, you are initiating the conversations. that's good. Now, pretend you are a third party watching this interaction from the outside. Can you honestly say that the timing was good (not during bill paying or putting the kids in their PJs, etc) and that you were open to her input? If you can put on your objectivity hat and say you were "that" then you need to present her with a more dire proposal: "Honey, I don't know why but I feel like we're just living together. I'm not happy. I'd like to talk to you about this, it's serious." She can't duck that on. Don't accuse. Take some of the blame, it is a partnership and no one is blame free. Prepare for the discussion. Write down you thoughts. Edit them. Play out some of her anticipated responses. Once you start, you can't stop that train. My strongest advice is that you are totally calm during this.

Good luck

[Jenniferathome]

My wife told me that she will be faking it. She doesn't agree with it but for our sons sake she is willing to deal with it.

Stevie, what will your wife be faking?

[Stevie]

Enjoying me dressing in woman's clothes

[Julie Gaum]

Jessi, to start on the road you need to take please follow Jennfer's advise in order to get your relationship and family in order. Her advise is sound --- your wife's opinions and attitude have no bearing whatsoever on where you are headed (transitioning) but are important in the here and now for your kids' sake.
Julie

[PretzelGirl]

There is some great advice here Jessica. I would add that you are trying to roll a whole lot up into one ball. Break it down into parts and attack parts a little. Are you and your wife doing things without the kids and without crossdressing being involved? Is there anything exciting in both of your lives? Sometimes we get into doldrums and nothing seems right because we don't get the release of stress that we need.

You just went through a motorcycle course. Did that take up extra time each day? If so, you weren't doing much else and maybe she was having to take care of the kids a little more with you being unavailable. I don't know if any of this is true, but think some of this over. This stuff happens in all marriages and you have the extra of identifying in some manner in our universe. It is also possible that if you are not getting enough Jessica time, that your feelings of transition can be running rampant due to a lack of activity. There are a lot of possibilities. So take your time and see if you can work on parts instead of the whole. If the two of you haven't had time out, then get it back in the schedule. See where it all goes.

Good luck and keep us updated. Your heart has always seemed in the right place. You just seem overwhelmed and sometimes these things are temporary. :hugs:

[Michelle (Oz)]

I have noticed a majority on the site seems to side with the wives just....because I guess. If you think this is MY fault....give me some ideas to fix it. I seriously do not believe this is me. I'm the one who has initiated the conversations, and they all have not done a thing.

Jessica

You are fortunate to have a wife that is even prepared to KNOW that you CD. Can you purchase clothes openly, launder then openly, have cupboard space where you can hang them? Wow, that is just a dream for me.

I talked with my wife 6 months ago and she threatened suicide if I CDed. It took me some months to get over the bitterness and understand her abhorrence irrespective of the (mutually) deep love she has for me.

One has to deal with circumstances as they stand. Your wife sounds like she, too, has the weight of the world on her shoulders and is equivocating on your dressing. Why do you expect that she will embrace it? If she is raising the family then you are a pay cheque. And yes, I've often thought that the reason I like to dress is to escape the pressures of the male world. Of course there is far more to our need to dress than that and I suspect all we would get is a whole lot of different problems and stresses.

So I do understand the wife's side. I have to fulfil my need to dress in a way that does not confront her sensitivities. It is far from ideal and infinitely more difficult than your circumstances. However, it works for me/us and allows the strength of our loving relaitonship to deepen.

Take a deep breath, tell your wife that you love her and think how you might get some quality Jessica time without your wife having to be involved.

[Brenda79135]

Donni, thank you so much for your post. That's what I am trying to do. I have a hard time doing that whenever you can't find help....where you are supposed to start.

To the others, my wife has been supportive. That's the thing. All of this seems fake to me, as it is always an inconvenience to even talk about it anymore, when we were once going out together. Doesn't seem right. I want the truth, but if you ask the same question three times, you get three seperate answers. I am not blaming anyone for anything, but I simply can't drive a car if there isn't any gas in it. There's no use. I have talked with her, and still, I can not tell you where she stands on it. She says one thing, then another, then sighs, rolled eyes, and walk offs follow. She doesn't view it as a serious thing.

I have known many people have had thoughts of "I'm not transitioning," but then do it. If that was the case, all would have their surgery at 21. When they can. Thoughts do change about yourself. I have calmed down today, as all could see I was very agitated last night. I'm just tired of being in a relationship where I do not count, my feelings don't matter, and all I am is a pay check. That's how I feel. When I tell my wife that, I get rolled eyes and a "Well, I don't know." I have noticed a majority on the site seems to side with the wives just....because I guess. If you think this is MY fault....give me some ideas to fix it. I seriously do not believe this is me. I'm the one who has initiated the conversations, and they all have not done a thing.

When your wife tells you she doesn't know, she is telling the truth. How can she? The feeling of being an ATM is something hard to overcome. I was in the spot for a while with the wife and kid. The daily routine and the so so acceptance of my dressing was getting hard to cope with. You feel that no one understands you and that you are trapped in a role that you did not chose. What got me out of it was picking up trail riding. This is not something I do dressed, but it gets me out of the house and frees my sole for awhile. The possibility of falling down and hurting myself is a rush. The scenery that I have seen is beautiful and I don't have to 'deal' with the family during that time. When I was in the spot you are in, I would think on my way to work, "I could be in ??? by the time anybody would miss me. I still get that feeling from time to time. That is when I try to get alone time to do what I want to do, not what I am suppose to do. You are feeling that your life is planned out and you didn't have any say it. I love my wife and kid very much, but as my mother used to tell me, 'You can love somebody to pieces, but that doesn't mean you have to like them all the time.' I would suggest to you to pick up a hobby that is your and yours alone. Something that allows to to escape for some time away from the family. Dressed or not will be up to you. Why do you think golf is so popular?

[sometimes_miss]

I came to a realization today. As my wife and I made plans this week to spend time together. Today.....I was supposed to dress up, and be able to hang out with my wife. After a long day, and returning to the house, I began to ask questions about where my hair brush had gone. We hadn't even started yet, but I just asked because it was missing. After a talk, and the time went past nine, I looked at my wife while sitting next to her, saying "Didn't we have plans tonight?" She sighs, and says "Yeah, just go get dressed." What the heck did I do?
You probably didn't do anything new. Sounds like she's just tired of dealing with it, as well as the rest of her life, and was perhaps hoping for something that she'd like to do that night.

Needless to say, I didn't. What has happened to our relationship? My wife has been faking this all along.....well....I feel like that is what has been going on.
Perhaps not faking it, but not 'loving' it either. Sounds like she was trying to be nice to you even though she didn't dig the crossdressing.

My problem is that now, I discover also that I have scabies, a common skin disease....in early stage.
Scabies is not a common skin disease. it's an infestation of mites that burrow into you skin. And they're hard to get rid of, lots of people have a tough time getting rid of them from everything in the house, also as they pass them back and forth to others in the family.

My wife's mother is a nasty, wretched, stupid woman who just doesn't listen to anyone.
Hence the near universal dislike for mothers' in law. Many of them are like that, because no one's good enough for their daughter.

My wife doesn't listen to me anymore. Every time I even remotely try to get dressed around her, I get a sigh, and a "Just go." Kind of like a "Let's just get this over with," attitude. I want to find someone who is okay with who I am.
Good luck with that. Unless you're into men, you're going to wind up alone for the rest of your life if you leave her. The numbers of women who LIKE crossdressers or MTF TS, while perhaps being more than you can count on one hand, isn't significantly larger than that.

I confronted her tonight, and she claims she is fine with it.
Sounds like she's dealing with it the best she can.

The thing is that I have not been happy in a long time.
Join the crowd. We're brought up from the moment we're self aware, being brainwashed into believing that we must get married and have children and that will make us happy. Which is often wrong. Nearly every guy I know has two or more jobs often doing something he doesn't like, and is locked into that to support his wife and kids. And it never ends. Society supports this concept because it keeps the society going; more children, more members of that society. Being married and supporting a house of kids is what society expects from you. No happiness guaranteed. But no one will tell you this when you're growing up.

I feel like.....I need a change. Every day I wake up as a man, I am unhappy. I hate looking down, and seeing what I see. My mirror image....I hate it. I don't even feel like a man anymore. I am a cop, and I get tired of always living the life where you have to tell people what to do.
You might try night school to change your profession, but it will take a while....a long while. And, if you decide to get divorced, with children involved you're going to be paying a significant amount of your income to your wife for child support (and alimony, since it's likely the courts will give the kids to her the majority of the time).


I dream almost every night of what it would be like to live as a woman. In my dreams I am happy. I recently made a video of male/female pictures of myself. I could not find ONE single picture of myself in male mode where I was smiling. I'm not happy.
So your life right now sucks, and you think becoming a TS woman will fix everything. Think again. Not only is a woman's life usually more complicated, but you can multiply that in spades for a TS woman. Unless you're one of the very, very few, you're not going to get to enjoy the perks of being an attractive woman, but will have to deal with all the hardships that being an unattractive one has. Remember, your dreams are just that; idealized versions of how you want your life. Not what life is like in reality.


I feel like a woman.
Theres no way to know that. We don't know what it's like to feel like a woman. We can only guess. What you feel, is what you THINK it feels like to be a woman. And odds are, you're wrong. Women see, feel and interpret the world differently than men do.






At first, I thought I would never transition. Now, it's all I think about. I think my life would be better as a woman.
It's a common escape dream, changing so many things that you feel are causing your discontent. Usually doesn't reflect reality, though. many years ago, one of the hospitals that did SRS stopped, because they found that post operatively, their patients weren't any happier than they were before the transition. Few people have lives where they're happy all the time; most of the population goes through day to day life just getting through; lots of drudgery, punctuated with occasional joy and sadness. Sounds like you have to find the little bits of joy in your life, because that's usually all we get.


Perhaps. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no friends as most left my world when I became a cop. That's because some where drug addicts, and others where just thieves and what have you. That will happen. I want to transition, but I know this will cost me my marriage. My children. Possibly my job. What am I supposed to do? I know I am tired of my life. I'm tired of waking up just living and floating through my life. I want to live it. I want to be Jessica. I want to be with someone who will not lie to me about their feelings with this subject. I feel that is what my wife has done to me. I can't tell whether the feelings are faked, or if they are real anymore. I can't even ask about our kids without getting a lie. I'm done with my relationship. I can't do this anymore. The only reason why I am sitting here, is that I am looking at my three year old son. He needs mom and dad. What am I supposed to tell him?


I'm sick of being a man because men have to make the sacrifice of being unhappy in order for their kids to be happy. A woman can leave any time she wants to and win child custody and child support. Look up the statistics.
Yup. She can. One of the advantages women have. But then again, she's stuck being a single mom, and often past her prime in the romance market, so it's not exactly a bowl of cherries for her, either.


I'm stuck. I need some serious advice on what to do. I want to be happy again. Right now, I'm not. I don't see a future with this life I have now. I want to start anew, and begin to transistion into Jessica.
life doesn't offer us 'do-overs', and certainly not being able to pick and choose the life we would like. We have to do the best with what we have. As one person here reminded me when I once wrote that I would have been happy to be 'an average girl', he asked me if I'd still want to be a girl if my life was going to be as an unattractive female, in a woman hating country where the girls are not allowed to go to school, are sold to other men, and occasionally stoned to death just because my husband got tired of me, and wanted to get rid of me so he fabricated an adultery story to get me killed. Hmmmmm. Maybe a woman's life isn't all it's always cracked up to be.

You want to be happy. We all do. But life doesn't give happiness to us. All we're guaranteed is 'the pursuit of happiness'.
You have to find the little things in life that you can enjoy, because you're married and have a child, and have responsibilities there. It's why most of us go to work every day, stop by the local bar after work, and have a beer, watch some sporting event and dream of being the star. Then we go home and work some more, listen to the wife complain and try to make her feel better, then disappear somewhere else in the house and try to find something we like to do, even if it seems like just a little. Mine is playing certain computer games. You have to find yours.
Best of luck. Being a cop isn't easy. Most jobs aren't. Take each day one at a time. As far as the crossdressing and your gender identification troubles, a good gender therapist will help whether your wife goes or not.

[LindaAllen]

Hi Jessica, I feel for you very much in your situation and while I can relate to much of it, I don't have an answer for you. I did want to tell you though that you are not alone in your feelings. I am also married and have a young child who is the only reason I stay in the marriage. I know that what you say about divorce and custody is too true. My wife also is quasi-supportive of my feeling like a woman and dressing. She has not ever been faithful to me so we have not been intimate for years. But she only acts supportive when she feels like it. Other times, if I bring something up she acts disinterested or annoyed, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable in my own home. I too wish that I could express myself fully without restriction but know of he problems that would bring. I share your feeling of disappointment of seeing a 'man' in the mirror. For lack of a better solution and love of my child, I stay where I am.
Hugs, -Linda

[Debra Russell]

Sounds like to me you need to back off - give it a rest be a "husband" - re-establish you relationship with your wife - a little bit too much "me" and not enough "we" ---- good luck..................................Debra

[Monicamaryjay]

..... My wife's mother is a nasty, wretched, stupid woman who just doesn't listen to anyone. ...My wife doesn't listen to me anymore. .... I want to find someone who is okay with who I am. .... I have two children, who I love dearly, and I do not want to lose. The thing is that I have not been happy in a long time. I feel like.....I need a change. Every day I wake up as a man, I am unhappy. I hate looking down, and seeing what I see. . I don't even feel like a man anymore. I am a cop, and I get tired of always living the life where you have to tell people what to do. I am so out of place, and I need help.

Therapy isn't an option. Well, I guess it might be, but she won't go. ... I think my life would be better as a woman. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no friends as most left my world when I became a cop. ...... I want to transition, but I know this will cost me my marriage. My children. Possibly my job. .... I know I am tired of my life. I'm tired of waking up just living and floating through my life. I want to live it. I want to be Jessica. ..... I feel that is what my wife has done to me. I can't tell whether the feelings are faked, or if they are real anymore. I can't even ask about our kids without getting a lie. I'm done with my relationship. I can't do this anymore. The only reason why I am sitting here, is that I am looking at my three year old son. He needs mom and dad.
.... I need some serious advice on what to do. ,,,, I want to start anew, and begin to transistion into Jessica. I want to share all of myself with this world. I never saw myself getting to this position....but here I am.

Hi Jessica,
Wow, That is a lot to deal with. You are in crisis! I have quoted some of the statements you made.
I see a lot of resentments, work problems, communication breakdown, depression, and desperation here.

There are so many issues going on that I don't imagine you can resolve any one one of them right now. Most brains cannot handle that level of stress for too long. You are in no position to be able to think clearly. You do need help.

It sounds as if you have no supports. I think it would be highly advisable for you to seek therapy with someone whom you can develop trust and begin to unravel the issues one by one and help you put together a plan so that you are able to take responsibility for your life.

I would not even consider another relationship at this stage... You have stated what you want. I urge you to follow your heart or you will quite likely continue to experience these internal battles.

This problem is about you. Not you wife, mother-in-law, children, or work.

It's time to rise to the challenge or do nothing and live in misery, dragging others down with you.

Very best wishes,
Monica

[katlee]

Hi Jessica

I can feel your pain and I can sense that you are overwhelmed. I am pretty sure that if I were in your position, I would be depressed and looking for an outlet. Escaping and becoming someone else takes us out of our current reality whether it be CDing or playing a video game. I think that right now couples therapy may not be an option, but therapy, both personal and group may help. Being a fellow government employee, we have access to some decent mental health programs.

Whatever happens good luck and don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Kat

[busker]

I came to a realization today. As my wife and I made plans this week to spend time together. Today.....I was supposed to dress up, and be able to hang out with my wife. After a long day, and returning to the house, I began to ask questions about where my hair brush had gone. We hadn't even started yet, but I just asked because it was missing. After a talk, and the time went past nine, I looked at my wife while sitting next to her, saying "Didn't we have plans tonight?" She sighs, and says "Yeah, just go get dressed." What the heck did I do?

Needless to say, I didn't. What has happened to our relationship? My wife has been faking this all along.....well....I feel like that is what has been going on. My problem is that now, I discover also that I have scabies, a common skin disease....in early stage. I just got over this. My wife's mother is a nasty, wretched, stupid woman who just doesn't listen to anyone. My wife took our children to her home after we knew she had this. Now, my oldest son is covered in scabies bites, and I have a few since handling him today. The only good thing is that we are already both covered in medicine (promentrhine) since I had plenty on hand. I told her not to take them over there...yet she did anyway.

My wife doesn't listen to me anymore. Every time I even remotely try to get dressed around her, I get a sigh, and a "Just go." Kind of like a "Let's just get this over with," attitude. I want to find someone who is okay with who I am. I confronted her tonight, and she claims she is fine with it. Why is it such a problem then? I have two children, who I love dearly, and I do not want to lose. The thing is that I have not been happy in a long time. I feel like.....I need a change. Every day I wake up as a man, I am unhappy. I hate looking down, and seeing what I see. My mirror image....I hate it. I don't even feel like a man anymore. I am a cop, and I get tired of always living the life where you have to tell people what to do. I am so out of place, and I need help.

Therapy isn't an option. Well, I guess it might be, but she won't go. I know the road I'm headed down as I have been down this road before. I dream almost every night of what it would be like to live as a woman. In my dreams I am happy. I recently made a video of male/female pictures of myself. I could not find ONE single picture of myself in male mode where I was smiling. I'm not happy. I showed my wife the video as she walked in on me making it, and she just shrugged and walked off.

I'm tired of always doing things for other people, and I haven't taken care of what has been staring me in the face all along. I feel like a woman. At first, I thought I would never transition. Now, it's all I think about. I think my life would be better as a woman. I don't fit in anywhere. I have no friends as most left my world when I became a cop. That's because some where drug addicts, and others where just thieves and what have you. That will happen. I want to transition, but I know this will cost me my marriage. My children. Possibly my job. What am I supposed to do? I know I am tired of my life. I'm tired of waking up just living and floating through my life. I want to live it. I want to be Jessica. I want to be with someone who will not lie to me about their feelings with this subject. I feel that is what my wife has done to me. I can't tell whether the feelings are faked, or if they are real anymore. I can't even ask about our kids without getting a lie. I'm done with my relationship. I can't do this anymore. The only reason why I am sitting here, is that I am looking at my three year old son. He needs mom and dad. What am I supposed to tell him?

I'm sick of being a man because men have to make the sacrifice of being unhappy in order for their kids to be happy. A woman can leave any time she wants to and win child custody and child support. Look up the statistics. I'm stuck. I need some serious advice on what to do. I want to be happy again. Right now, I'm not. I don't see a future with this life I have now. I want to start anew, and begin to transistion into Jessica. I told my wife I didn't want to. That was then (three or four years ago) and this is now. I'm so tired of being ignored. I want to share all of myself with this world. I never saw myself getting to this position....but here I am.

Jessica, you need to talk to a real, live person, hopefully a professional who has some experience with gender issues. You health insurance must cover some psychological counseling, probably not uncommon for policemen from time to time. It is a matter that remains between you and your dr or counselor. I don't think you can deal with this serious problem with virtual advice. This is not a discussion of which panties to wear. The future of your family demands some sort of real-world intervention. You would be foolish to try and solve your problem HERE.
best of luck, get some help today--if not for your sake, think of your children.