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max
01-20-2013, 01:24 PM
Reading this forum you sometimes see people say things "Only transition if you have no other choice", but you will also read "If only I had understood sooner" or statements reflecting the time lost living a life that wasn't true to themselves.

How do you balance the "only ifs" and the "if onlys" ?

Inna
01-20-2013, 01:57 PM
Past is a figment of imagination as much as future. Argument that past had happened and therefore is, but future didn't and therefore isn't is faulty, as both aren't based in reality.
Reality is NOW, the moment at hand and all that is within it. Such understanding seems against the innate wisdom of intellect and cognitive calculation our minds do to make sense of flow of time. Yet, life unfolds regardless, surprising us all the time with new day at hand.
If only's are as much a cup out as any plan not applied, in past or future. Do what must be done NOW!!!! We all live in NOW, not past nor present. And if the new life exists only a day, that day shall be more precious then all the days of life within existence but not Alive!

noeleena
01-21-2013, 03:19 AM
Hi,

So , If only was only if, ,why not just stay in the now only, & dont try to go though all the if only 's .

my self i can not be bothered with any of that . The reason being i had to go throuigh things to get where i am now , with out that experance with out the hardship, the up's & downs . would i be as strong as i am now , no way.

I may be wrong so is this about & ill use myself in this is this concerning being other than we may wish we were some one else or born a male or female as the case may be,

For myself i never wished i was a female or male simple reason being im both how much of ether ill let others answer that .

you see i have what i needed from birth, ya ya intersexed, so my past really was my future & i did not need to change,

I live as who i am. how others accept that is of cause up to them. now i wonder why i have so many more friends people just accept who i am what i am , my friends are really neat & lovely, i could not wish for more or better,

I understood what i was from age 10 so there was never a ? concerning that & what i know now really did not change any thing for me & had i known more years ago would not have changed any thing for my self ,I allso knew my life would be worked out the way it was ment to be, & that has happened, so you can say there was a plan for my life.

I know for many they say had they known & thier life could have been different that comes down to not knowing who you are,

Putting it into the dresser's & trans langage , why do i do this or why was i not born a female each person is different so how we are effected will depend on each one as it applys to them. & i cant answer for them or you's.

I only know how my life has been worked out ,& would i rather be a full female & not like the way i am , well i dont know what its like being a full male or to be a full female , so being in the middle well not intierely , more female in many ways , yet does not really matter, im just a happy content person who is thankfull being who i am. yes different lots of detail not quite right yet does it matter now, i know it does not.

I accepted who i was from young i accepted i was different & after all that im accepted as a normal female / woman who has grown to become a woman .

...noeleena...

melissakozak
01-21-2013, 07:53 AM
I think all of us mourn at least some aspect of our disconnected life. One must realize that being transgender, whether one transitions or not, is simply not an easy road to travel regardless of presentation. Analyzing or second guessing our decisions makes it that much harder. There is a time for everything, but most importantly, have we found peace within ourselves? The question is not whether or not we have been honest with ourselves, but have we survived the continual pressure from society that has taught us, collectively, that something was wrong with us? Society has become more accepting of us, but there is still much work to do. We can only be ourselves and nothing more, or less. Have we achieved a level of self acceptance? Has our journey, though heart wrenching at times, made us happier and more fulfilled? I agree with Inna, we only live in the present. The past no longer exists, and the present moment gives birth to our future. I used to wonder what would my life would be like if I had transitioned at age 20. I no longer do that because I didn't. I can't, and it will never be. Do I have regrets over this? No. It was not the time. But I do have the precious, present moment....

Kaitlyn Michele
01-21-2013, 09:27 AM
if only i invested in apple 10 years ago...if only i caught that touchdown pass....
honestly for that part of it, you just gotta deal with it

on the dont transition unless you have to part, this is just common sense advice that is another way of saying that transition is difficult and so suprising in the ways that it rewards you, don't do it unless you feel like you have to...because if you really don't have to, and you do anyway, its very possible that you would be saying

if only i listened to those girls that told me to not transition unless i had to

Badtranny
01-21-2013, 02:00 PM
I can't even wrap my head around the idea that someone would WANT to transition even if they enjoyed some aspects of being a man. It's like saying, 'I really like some of this meal but not all of it, so I think I will toss it all in exchange for that other meal and I have no idea if I will like any of it.'

This forum has taught me that there are people who see transition as a desirable extension of cross-dressing but I know the reality is quite different. So what do you do after you've come out and a year later realize that maybe you don't want people treating you like a woman. You're out now. How do you tell your buddies that it was just a phase? Or maybe that's the rub. Maybe you don't come out because you're not sure and you tell close friends that you are a transsexual but you never have to do the hard part. You avoid embarrassment by 'doing drab' at work and on poker nights. You're 'almost' full time, but still prepared to 'be a man' when the going gets rough. That's not transition, that's crossdressing so maybe nobody really does it unless they have to after all. Maybe the act of transition makes being a transsexual self evident?

Saffron
01-21-2013, 03:02 PM
To me the "Only transition if you have no other choice" is bad advice. I would prefer to say "Only transition if you have a clear understanding of your inner self and are well informed about the risks and problems that you will encounter".

Keeping it to yourself and hiding it until you are feeling suicidal is not a good idea at all.

At the same time, jumping into HRT or surgeries without ponder the health risks, how you really feel, who you deal socializing as a woman, etc, is also a terrible mistake.

Rianna Humble
01-21-2013, 05:19 PM
I am one of those who in the past has posted things that could be interpreted as "If only ...", and it is true that I regret the fact that I fought the inevitable to the point where I could not go on living if living was a lie. However, as I have said elsewhere
If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have made much progress in between

I am also one of those who recommends not transitioning unless you really need to - which is not quite the same as saying "only transition if you have no other choice".

No matter how much research you do ahead of time, nothing can fully prepare you for the realities of transition - the highs or the lows.

It is an unfortunate side-effect of the way that we support one another on this particular forum that some may think that we see transition as the only answer to the ills of the world and that we look down on those whose gender dysphoria does not drive them to the point where they need to transition. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Another unfortunate side effect can be that some cross-dressers might wrongly perceive transition as a fun thing to do, or might decide that they want a "designer vagina" as the ultimate fashion accessory. For these people, transition would be nothing short of a disaster.

In part, it is a question of what are your priorities and how you are able to cope with the dysphoria.

If you are married, with or without children, and keeping the marriage together is more important to you than bringing your body in line with who you are, and if you are able to manage the dysphoria whilst doing so, then you don't need to transition at this point in time. If you go ahead, it will relieve the dysphoria but at what cost?

On the other hand, if you have come to the point where nothing is more important to you than having your whole being congruent for the first time in your life, then you do need to transition and the other warnings about being prepared to lose everything and everyone will be accepted and taken in your stride.

I have only one use for regrets about past mistakes and that is as a spur to do better next time.

melissakozak
01-21-2013, 05:37 PM
Rianna,

Thank you for the wonderful post. I have friends who are all along the TG spectrum, from post-op TS to occasional, part-time CDers. All of us have different needs. There is no one size fits all in the trans universe.