Recovering early crossdressing memories

[Miriam-J]

When I started on this forum about a year ago I had only vague, faded memories of my early crossdressing days. Since then I've somehow had many of the memories return to me, with more coming to the fore with each month. I can now remember the first times that I wore panties, as an emergency replacement provided by mom from cousins while traveling. I'm even remembering some of the specific dresses and other items that I obtained from my sisters' closet, and how I came by them.

It seems that these memories were unintentionally suppressed through the years, perhaps as a natural response to the shame I felt for so long. They are emerging now only as I come to accept my crossdressing as an important and healthy part of my life, and I look forward to the continuing flood from the past.

I speculate that I'm far from alone in this memory recovery, especially since so many of us have had cause to suppress the past from our consciousness. Any kindred spirits out there with similar experiences?

Miriam

[CassandraSmith]

Yes! I found that right after joining here and reading many similar life stories, I began to relive different points in my dressing life. I even had some really wild dreams last week too which I really enjoyed.

Cassy

[Laura_Stephens]

It has taken me decades to remember many things. I started "borrowing" mom's clothes when I was 2 or 3. It was usualy followed by a severe beating - I grew up in a very violent home. Most of the things I blocked from my memory were the things related to violence. I guess it was my brain's way of coping with an impossible situation.

[FaithGrace]

Yes, me as well. I remember going shopping with my mom when I was 3 or 4 and crying in the store because I wanted to get this pretty ruffled dress. She took me home and when she told my dad I was beat for 'being a sissy'. So, although I learned not to express my desire to dress like a woman the feeling never left me.

[Ressie]

The question comes up every now and then, "when did you first crosdress" or something similar. This gets us thinking about our childhood and how it all began. The earliest I can remember is wearing dolly's panties for a week before my mom discovered it. They were silky, just like big girl's haha. I'm not sure how old I was, 7, 8, 9? I also remember playing dress up at someone else's house and wearing high heels that were huge on my little feet, but that memory is vague. Wish I could recall something before age 3.

[Ceri Anne]

I only experimented once in a while growing up, so there wasn't much to remember. It wasn't until last year I really got the courage to dress to pass and do it often. In fact, it was exactly a year ago that I first dressed fully and also went out dressed. I know I have great dreams of life dressed already and some great experiences as well.

[Miriam-J]

Thanks to those who have responded on this thread so far. Yes, many of us have memories of how we started and those stories have come up frequently on this forum. But my real interest is in how your memories have evolved since you became part of the forum, as some have expressed. Has it made a difference?

Miriam

[Karren H]

I've always remembered just about every single one.... from the first time to the last...... I must be a crossdressing savant! lol

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Miriam, I can't remember what I had for lunch yesterday, but I can remember
wearing my mothers black hi-heels and nylons 65yrs. ago

[Stephanie47]

It's not necessarily about suppressing the particular memory. It's just been relegated to the back of the draw. At age 65 I can recall some memories, fleeting not detailed, of things I did when I was 3 and 4. Sometimes it takes a little effort to pull those memories out from storage. So, when you join a site like this where the emphasis is on a particular subject they're pulled from the back of the closet. I will agree sometimes an incident may be so traumatizing it is suppressed as a defensive mechanism.

[Beverley Sims]

We all read a number of key things that releases a bit more from our memories over time.
I often thought that I did very little in the way of cross dressing but when you write it out it has occupied a significant amount of my time.
Other memories come back as well.
This site is good therapy for the brain.
Remember some things do get distorted over time and if you compare notes with a friend their memories of the same event are somewhat different.
When reporting as a journalist it is important to get the facts right as you do commit your writing to becoming historical fact.

[LaraPeterson]

I'm with Karren, I remember the whole thing and do so gladly. In fact, my earliest recollections about life have to do with wearing female underthings.

[Diversity]

Hi Miriam,
Yes, I am right there with you on the memory front. As you said, I have now come to also accept my crossdressing as a healthy part of my life. It is refreshing to have come to terms within and not be suppressing my feelings any longer. Good luck to you!
Di

[mikiSJ]

I am also with Karren and Lara. I can remember, vividly, my first experiences (starting at age 6) and I have never tried to repress any memories. I have mostly enjoyed the travel.

[michellecd9999]

I never forgot or surpressed any CDing memories, but just could never share them with ANYONE, verbally or written. I think forums like this allow us to openly share them and this may make them more "real" or allow us to remember them more vividly.

[AltairaMorbius]

Growing up in a rural area we would drive into town once or twice a month to visit the only department store in the area. Following mom into the store we were well into the women’s department by the time she told me I could go look around. Heading to toys or sporting goods a display of bras caught my eye. Unlike Mom’s heavy duty white cotton Playtex bras these were sheer and lacey in a rainbow of colors, I have no idea how long I lingered. Then from behind me I heard a familiar voice, “Want me to buy you one?” Mom, no I …I was … and slink off to sporting goods.

The drive home was very awkward. Mom was not talking as she usual did so I knew catching me was on her mind. I was so ashamed and scared looking out the window to avoid her. Finally, “do you want people to think you are a panty waist?” I start to cry, “Nooooooooooooooo”. She tells me she loves me no matter what and I can talk to her about whatever is on my mind.

Every week Mom used to wash and dry her panties and bras in the only bathroom in our house, but that is another story...

Cheers,

[Luna Nyx]

The only ones I have are me and my grandma walking around the block while I wore her red heels. I have been told that I was dressed up as a girl when I was first born because my parents didn't know if I was a boy or girl until I arrived. They didn't have a lot of money and they couldn't take back the clothes they originally bought.

[Ariamythe]

It seems that these memories were unintentionally suppressed through the years, perhaps as a natural response to the shame I felt for so long. They are emerging now only as I come to accept my crossdressing as an important and healthy part of my life, and I look forward to the continuing flood from the past.

I speculate that I'm far from alone in this memory recovery, especially since so many of us have had cause to suppress the past from our consciousness. Any kindred spirits out there with similar experiences?

In fact, I'm going through this right now -- looking back at my life, trying to find the places where it all began, re-processing them with more honest eyes. I'm actually blogging about here (http://ariamythe.wordpress.com/). The newest post just went up (http://ariamythe.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/college-bound-and-gagged/), and it has links to the older parts of the story.

Honestly, I've found the whole blogging thing to be very thereputic. Even if you don't want to make them public, opening up a doc file and typing all the stuff in your head into it can be a great exercise in making sense of it all.