Help me! How did you know you were a transsexual?

[ChristinaMarie]

I've been thinking so much lately about who I really am, who I should be and what I should be doing with my life. I am very conflicted about transitioning because of what I'd be giving up vs gained, and how my life is now.

I guess I always was under the impression that TG's feel as though 'I'd rather be dead than be a man', or 'I simply cannot function in society as a man, I can't handle it, I NEED to be a woman'. I simply dont feel this way. I do fine as a man, I enjoy certain parts of being a man, being able to do or say really whatever I want, I love sports(playing and watching), etc. But I also struggle in my marriage, feel as though I am only attracted to men, but only in the female sense of the relationship, not as a gay man. I also am very sexually excited by the idea of being a woman, being female and very feminine. I feel in my mind like this diminishes the chances I am a true TS. But I just dont know.

What do you all think, how did you all feel before transition? Was it more of an issue of when than if? You just had to do it? Help me!

[Ashley D.]

How did I know I'm TS?
I can't answer that I Gusse I always just knew. Now what to call it but that I was a woman.

[Julie Gaum]

Struggling in your mariage and feel that you are only attracted to men but only in the female sense but not as a gay man. Stop already for,
and I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, you are really screwed up. Your sexual inclinations are very obvious as is your orientation.
Where your marriage is headed is also obvious. You need to see, after checking their credentials, a good therapist first without your wife.
Don't wait (arrange a long term payout if your insurnce doesn't cover it fully).
Hoping your path in life, sex-wise, will become clear and you will be happy in whatever role that makes you happy.
Julie

[Angela Campbell]

For me I feel the same. I cannot pull the trigger to transition because of 55 years of a life I built and am not quite willing to give up. I have wanted to be female since my first memories. I do not feel like I cannot face it and would rather die then be a woman. Yes I want to very much, but I have lived this male life for this long and I am strong enough to live presenting as female about 50% of the time. For me this is the only option. I was given advice once.....if you can live without transition then do that. For me there is no sexual attraction to dressing at all, and I am attracted to females. So am I even in the transexual category? Inside I feel I am.

[I Am Paula]

I think there are as many degrees of transexuality as sexuality. Many trans girls feel they cannot cope as a man, whereas others only feel 'inconvenienced' by having a male body. I know for sure that I should have been born female, but in my teens it was just about unheard of. I spent years floundering in the gender spectrum, until I found my own comfort zone in living as a non-op woman. Did I settle? I suppose. If I had been born 20 years later I would be a woman now. I did however, find my place, and happiness and fulfillment came with it.
You may well be transegendered, but it sounds to me like you need to do alot more soul searching before making any major changes. It seems you've over sexualized it, and may find the thought of being a woman is more desirable than actually being one. Very few true transexuals that I've met sexualized it at all, on the contrary, many found it easier to forgo sexual relationships due to their incongruous body. As for your sexual preferences, there is no black and white, so you just fall somewhere into the huge grey area most of us do.
By the way, you can be a jock, and a woman at the same time. Good luck-Celeste

[danielleinbr]

I would agree with what Julie says about seeing a therapist. As for my experience, the reason I have not transistioned is because I haven't reached my "tipping point", for me the positives haven't out weighed the negatives yet. We are all different in the some ways, but most all of us have been through at least some of the rollercoaster of love, hate, crying, laughing, depression, etc. It all depends on your tolerance level for the ride. I have seen therapists on and off and they did help in some ways, but I am not personally ready yet.
Hope this helps more than it confuses
Danielle

[Badtranny]

I also am very sexually excited by the idea of being a woman, being female and very feminine.

All I can tell you is the quoted statement was not MY experience. I can also tell you that I existed just fine as a man for 40+ years. My story is fairly well documented here and on my blog but I'm suspect of people who say every day was suicide watch until they transitioned. It just doesn't seem right that someone could live that way for so long. But whatever, who am I to say who's what?

The most telling comment for me is "I enjoy certain parts of being a man". I think dealing with it and enjoying it are quite different things. Honestly, what is there to enjoy about it? I don't miss a single bit of being treated like a dude.

[Barbara Ella]

OK, title is how did you know you were transexual. Last paragraph is about feelings before transitioning. Knowing and accepting the fact is very different from acting on the transition. Knowing and acting, that is the question. how do you know, and what made you act. I have not acted beyond HRT, and may never. I have not lived through knowing this for my entire life. I do not know I can take the sacrifice required to move forward. It is still very new to me, and my thoughts are still coalescing. I just know who I am right now, and trying to find out where, along the path, I am, so to speak.

Very good advice to you about therapy and taking it slow while you figure things out. Read the threads about the pain and suffering the women went through here AFTER they transitioned and had their surgeries. Read the threads about the long term suffering from those women who have known but never been able to act on the women they are.

I know, not much help, but like it is always said, when it is right, you will just know.

Barbara

[StephanieC]

For me, this was/is not a black-or-white question....things are not obvious. After many years, I realized options that I never knew existed. But for me, I am not motivated by sexuality or clothing.

-stephani

[Kaitlyn Michele]

lots of transsexuals feel sexually aroused by the idea of being a woman, lots don't

no transsexual i ever met was happy being a man..

[sandra-leigh]

Very few true transexuals that I've met sexualized it at all, on the contrary, many found it easier to forgo sexual relationships due to their incongruous body.

When I was trying to decide whether to go ahead with HRT, I ended up narrowing down to the question of which was more important to me: sex (and the possibility of children); or the hope that I would get my mind straight on HRT. I really did phrase it to myself as a question of whether I was willing to risk never having sex again, or wasn't I. And the answer for me was Yes. The answer might have been rather more difficult if I'd been in a relationship with firm sexual ties, but I wasn't. I was, though, conscious that it probably meant giving up masturbation, which was just about the only "self-care" that I had.

2 years into HRT, I would be amazed if I could have intercourse. I wouldn't object to trying, under the right circumstances, but it probably will never happen again for me. And yes, that is a sad an lonely state of being, but it sure beats the messed up head-space I was in before HRT.

Some of the transsexual members here do appear to have managed to find healthy sexual lives. But many will never have that.

If you are not prepared to face the possibility of never having orgasm again, then HRT and SRS are probably not for you.

[KellyJameson]

If I had been sexually excited about the idea of becoming a woman I would have known for myself I was not TS because than I would be viewing myself with the eyes of male desire.

I cannot speak for others but in my case I firmly believe that the structure of my brain was never "masculinized" so stayed female.

This had a profound effect on my identity formation after I was born and created incredible conflict and distress sexually because intercourse felt completely wrong and opposite of how sex should be happening but it was a feeling that I could not find words to explain. Sex was traumatic but in a very soft way where it repelled me but still my body and mind wanted sex.

I was trapped between two worlds where I could not move toward either gender sexually because the experience did not feel "natural" as "movement" with the body I had.

It has nothing to do with social influences but lives in the body only. When you move during intercourse is the movement easy and natural so feels "normal" as a male?

Not once have I ever experienced this "normal movement" and I immediately step outside myself as if I'm watching myself but it is a "thinking" so I become mildly "self conscious" about sex but not as "shame". It was very specific to intercourse "as movement" and the movement being weird to my brain made me "think" so become self conscious.

Focus on the movement as feeling weird,wrong or unnatural but it will be a very soft hidden experience until you see it clearly and than you will know it has always been there.

I also believe you adopt the gender identity within the first few years of life based on interactions with other children, where you know instinctively what "tribe" you belong to so adopt the labels of boy or girl but if there is a conflict you will adopt two identities, the one you "know" yourself to be and the one you are taught to believe you are.

As you age you may bury the one you "know" yourself to be but that identity is still there inside you.

I found many memories of myself identifying as female all throughout my childhood.

Stay sensitive to your sexuality for problems and look for a buried female identity for clues to who you are.

There are many psychological experiences that can confuse or partially mimic gender dysphoria but the truth like creme must float to the top because it is from the physical structure and expression of your brain so you cannot escape the affect.

It leaves clues all over your life but the clues are like reading tea leaves so it is a pain in the butt understanding what it all means.

[arbon]

Before transition I felt very confused, ashamed, lots of self hate most of my life. Growing up I wished I was a girl, thats what I wanted to be, I did not understand this. BUT I did not think I was a girl or that I got the wrong body either -I did not have that kind of clarity about it. I just tried to accept I was a boy and later a man and that I was just sick and perverted. In late 2008 though the dysphoria / GID went through the roof, and living as a male started becoming something I could not do any more. I started becoming very desperate to transition.
I am much more at peace with myself living as a woman then I did as man, it feels right, I don't feel like I am living a lie anymore.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If I had been sexually excited about the idea of becoming a woman I would have known for myself I was not TS because than I would be viewing myself with the eyes of male desire.



no no no no...

I have to respond to this idea...it is totally and completely wrong, and it has hurt so many people...

if you are sexually aroused by your female feelings, that is totally normal...that is simple a variant of transsexuality...whether its based in anxiety, f*ck'd up childhood decisions, or even if it IS your sexuality, we may never know...its just another version of how many of us fanstasize that we are the woman while making love ..

myself and many others have been counseled over the years that this precluded being ts, goofy charlatans like dr blanchard made up their own reasons for it...
myself and many others have felt shame and guilt, some of it imposed on us by arrogant people that try to propose that they are somehow "true" transsexuals...


the only relevant piece of info is "am i ts or not"....its such a difficult concept that we run around in circles trying to figure it out and we rely on "other things" way too much... "i liked barbies, i didnt dress, i did dress, i hated football, i like baths, my fingers are long, i was uncomfortable in my frat, i'm not gay.." BLAH BLAH BLAH....

i transitioned...it was an amazing and positive thing...
it stopped me from jerking off 5x a day always fantasizing about being a woman...
now boring old me just walks around lives life as a woman...so can you if thats what you want...

[Aprilrain]

Before transition I felt very confused, ashamed, lots of self hate most of my life. Growing up I wished I was a girl, thats what I wanted to be, I did not understand this. BUT I did not think I was a girl or that I got the wrong body either -I did not have that kind of clarity about it. I just tried to accept I was a boy and later a man and that I was just sick and perverted. In late 2008 though the dysphoria / GID went through the roof, and living as a male started becoming something I could not do any more. I started becoming very desperate to transition.
I am much more at peace with myself living as a woman then I did as man, it feels right, I don't feel like I am living a lie anymore.

This....



i transitioned...it was an amazing and positive thing...
it stopped me from jerking off 5x a day always fantasizing about being a woman...
now boring old me just walks around lives life as a woman...so can you if thats what you want...

and this, pretty much sums it up for me.

[Badtranny]

some of it imposed on us by arrogant people that try to propose that they are somehow "true" transsexuals....

It's easy to identify "true" transsexuals. They're the ones that transition.

[Allison Chaynes]

I feel some of the same feelings you have, girlyboy. After seeing a therapist I realized that I am both male and female in my mind, not one or the other. I like being a man but also woman too. I believe the term is bigendered. The best thing you can do is find a good therapist to help you figure it out.

[Saffron]

In the end you're the only one who can really tell.

It doesn't matter if you're transsexual by definition or not. What matters most is how do you feel and if you think you need to transition.

Try things, talk to a gender identity specialist, talk with other girls... you'll find out soon.


Before transition I felt very confused, ashamed, lots of self hate most of my life. Growing up I wished I was a girl, thats what I wanted to be, I did not understand this. BUT I did not think I was a girl or that I got the wrong body either -I did not have that kind of clarity about it. I just tried to accept I was a boy and later a man and that I was just sick and perverted. In late 2008 though the dysphoria / GID went through the roof, and living as a male started becoming something I could not do any more. I started becoming very desperate to transition.
I am much more at peace with myself living as a woman then I did as man, it feels right, I don't feel like I am living a lie anymore.

That's the story of my life.

[Rianna Humble]

I've been thinking so much lately about who I really am, who I should be and what I should be doing with my life. I am very conflicted about transitioning because of what I'd be giving up vs gained, and how my life is now.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I think this is a classic case of putting the cart before the horse. You tell us that you are not sure that you are transsexual but you are already weighing the pros and cons of transition?

However, There is one thing that seems clear to me from your statement - you do not need to transition at this point in your life because there are things that you are not willing to give up.



I guess I always was under the impression that TG's feel as though 'I'd rather be dead than be a man', or 'I simply cannot function in society as a man, I can't handle it, I NEED to be a woman'. I simply dont feel this way. I do fine as a man, I enjoy certain parts of being a man, being able to do or say really whatever I want, I love sports(playing and watching), etc.

There is a difference between being transgender and being transsexual and, IMNSHO, there is also a difference between being transsexual and needing to transition.

I am fully convinced that nobody becomes transsexual after birth - I believe that either you were born transsexual or you were not. Most transitioning or transitioned TS folk can look back on events in their past and with 20/20 hindsight can recognise manifestations of their gender dysphoria even if they cannot honestly say that they knew at that time that they were TS.

Some of us gave every appearance of being a success as natal sex, but appearances can be deceiving.

In my own case, I managed to pass the half century before my dysphoria became so acute that I could no longer cope with pretending to be a man.


What do you all think, how did you all feel before transition? Was it more of an issue of when than if? You just had to do it? Help me!

I think that for me, transition was always inevitable, I never really understood being a man and I certainly could not understand how to be a husband when I knew that wasn't me. Does that make me better or worse than a TS who married? Neither, it just makes my experience different to theirs.

Part of my survival strategy before the dysphoria became too acute was to tell myself that since there was no chance of my body ever matching my self image, I had better just put up with it and make the best of a bad lot. I know differently now.


It's easy to identify "true" transsexuals. They're the ones that transition.

I hope that this was said in jest.

[ChristinaMarie]

Thanks all for your replys. I include sexual arousal in my post because its indeed a part of my life, I am only attracted sexually as a woman, with a man. I guess to me that how I assume all transsexuals feel, when they are thinking sexually they think of themselves in the woman's role?

I dont see one can not weigh the pros and cons of a decision as big as this and then say that you arent truly TS if youre doing that. We all have lives, good parts and bad, that you jeopardize by possible transition, including immediate family, friends, and jobs. I can positively that if I could press a button and become the woman I want to be, I would do it and never turn back, I am just a very logical person and know things might not turn out how I always envisioned in my head. I guess I have preconceived notions that as a girl I couldn't do and be all that I am not, but even more, I could be happy and be the true me and express all that I've always felt and wanted to in life.

This is the first time I've truly felt like I want to take the next step, so I'd appreciate it if everyone would please be nice!(99% of you are)


Stop already for,
and I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, you are really screwed up. Julie

^^^that doesnt help lol, thanks for that.

[Lorileah]

I would say if you have to ask if you are, you aren't. You can weigh the surgery/non-surgery part as pros and cons, but if you feel you are female and have always been even though you don't "appear" so, then you are TS. This isn't something you try and then decide. If you have any doubts about transitioning in any manner (hormones included) best to work through it before you go there.

I am not "true" TS :) by the definition that was used originally. I have decided where I am going (at this point in time...because things could change later) and surgery is not on my to do list. Doesn't make me less TS just not doing the surgery. Trust your feelings. If you have questions, work that out beforehand.

(PS and I think most people are screwed up no matter their feelings on being TS or not...many here go through the am I am I not phase)

[KellyJameson]

If you wish to do further reading this may help. Milton Diamond in my opinion has it correct.

"I see sex and gender interacting in yet another way. One is born with a biological psychosexual predisposition that is fixed by genetic-endocrine heritage and with it a propensity for certain sexual and gender patterns to be expressed (Diamond, 1968; 1976, 1995). Which patterns will be expressed, however, I see dependent upon the societal and cultural mores and the degrees of tolerance they allow (Diamond, 1979). With this comes another concept. Every individual lives with two simultaneous visions of self; an inner private sexual identity and an outer social and public gender identity.7 One's sexual identity is prenatally organized as a function of the genetic-endocrine forces and emerges (is activated) with development. One's gender identity, recognition of how he or she is viewed in society, develops with post-natal experiences.

For most individuals these identities are in concert so reconciliation occurs more or less easily with the ups and downs that come with puberty, a challenge to keep up with peers through adolescence, and then an acceptance of life's vagaries in adulthood. For some, however, attaining this reconciliation remains a constant struggle. Transsexuals, who I believe are intersexed, have the body and genitals of one sex and the brain of the other (see e.g., Diamond, Binstock, & Kohl, 1996; Goy, Bercovitch, & McBrair, 1988) making reconciliation of their sexual and gender identities problematic.

"Transsexuals, who I believe are intersexed"

In my opinion here is the key that unlocks the mystery. I am personally convinced being TS is an intersexed condition. We come out of nature and not society.

Here is a link you may find useful if you have more questions outside the forum.

http://www.hawaii.edu/PCSS/biblio/articles/2000to2004/2000-sex-and-gender.html

[ChelseaEcho]

You know, I think the best way to set about answering these sorts of questions is with personal tales so I'll try that.

I'm starting to see that transition will very likely be inevitable for me, and looking back I sort of think I excelled at trying to avoid the issue. High school is lost in cloud of pot smoke -- which, admittedly has left me with some great stories to tell -- through self-medicating. Found some traction and ambition through college and into graduate school, found a fantastic therapist through the university where I was going to grad school, and even was on hormones. And then everything went to hell. Despite being two states away I ended up in a major row with both sets of parents when I came out to them (again, we'd been down that road before), and my mother was kind enough to spread it far and wide down her side of the family in looking for allies.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I just sort of fell apart up there over a six month period, dropped out, and have been sputtering in a sort of stop-and-go funk ever since. Lately, I've made it a point to begin to put my life back together, depression be damned. Re-examining my intentions is going to be a huge part of that. And, chief amongst those questions is probably going to be "Is it worth going through that again?" Right now, the answer to that is "Well, all stopping did was wreck just about everything." I sort of feel like I'm also making a list of the pros and cons, but I also think it's going to be weighted heavily towards the "pro." Take that for what you will.

As for the sexuality bit, I've often kind of wondered if fantasy doesn't intrude because it is a retreat from reality. I know, from way to much experience, that it's very easy to retreat into fantasy, and I've had periods where my sexual fantasies have always been about me being female and being with a guy. However, when I feel like I'm dealing with reality I, well, just think about guys. I've also heard that some girls don't even think about specific guys -- that it's the fantasy itself that is stimulating. Me, I have specific guys in mind. It's one reason I like to read celebrity gossip blogs. Hehe.

Edit: Rereading, I want to note that the last paragraph isn't anything but my experiences. It sounded a lot more authoritative then I intended. Just a mild suggestion, really, on my part, not a supposition that this is true for everyone at all!

[docrobbysherry]

Girlyboy, I have no idea if you're trans or not. So, I'll skip that question entirely. But, I do have a lot of experience with GFs and being married and divorced!

By the time u work out what u r, and who u wish to have sex with, (it sounds like u could easily be gay or bi), your SO will be long gone! I suggest u get counseling for the 2 OF U, ASAP! And, do not have children until u figure out if they will have a married mother and a father, 2 mothers, or divorced parents living in different towns/states!

Children wil complicate your divorce and life beyond anything u can image! Please find out who u r and what u want FIRST!

Note to readers: Do NOT get married until u grow up! I waited until 45. And, STILL wasn't grown up enuff to make it last!

[noeleena]

Hi,

Are all intersexed people the same then do all think the same unless you are one & know how we think how our brain works & why we do things differently . Because we all are so different .... dont even think.... we are.

because we are not . my friend is very different from me .

Now are all transexuals intersexed, we will have to take that back to conception because that ..is .. where it all start's, not some time after or a few weeks after, thats totaly incorrect & is proved beyound any dought,

...noeleena...

[ElleduSud]

Here's a very good explanation, one of the most well-worded, easy-to-relate-to stories I've heard. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yEXL908cqAw&feature=fvwrel

From a transman, and conservatively identified as transgender instead of TS. Regardless of trans-directional orientation and nomenclature, if this story does not resonate highly with you, then I would think you are not a transsexual.

[Jorja]

I have been following this thread for a couple of days now. I haven't posted before because I have been very busy with work. You have been given some very good information along with the usual crap that a thread like this brings for some reason. There is nothing I can really add except, look into your heart and mind. Find that place where you can live comfortably. If that means going all the way and having surgeries to make you congruent, then so be it. If only taking hormones does it for you, great. If you haven't already, seek out a gender therapist to help sort out your confusion and help answer your questions.