Conflicted on how to help

[VirtuaGrl]

"Look at what your son is doing," my wife says to me handing me his iPhone with a picture on the screen of my eight year old son wearing one of his sister's dresses. Later, she confides in me that she is worried about him. This is not the first time he has been caught trying on his younger sister's clothes. There are at least two other instances that I know of that I didn't share with his mother. I ask my son about it later and at first he says he did it because his younger brother dared him to. With a little further prodding he admits it is because he is curious about girls' clothing and likes the way it feels. So much for the nature vs nurture argument.

I am a closet crossdresser of many years. Ten - fifteen years ago I went out more regularly, but that stopped when I started dating my now wife. Aside from a few Halloween outings, I kept it from her until about a year and a half ago. It nearly cost me my marriage. My wife has been adjusting and begrudgingly accepting. She's started incorporating it behind closed doors in our bedroom, but is still currently adamantly against me going out in public. I think I may still be able to sway her on that one given the right circumstances, but I digress.

My first post here is out of concern for my son. My predilection for expressing my feminine self was kept secret and at bay for many years. My parents and family still don't know. It's been a secret I have lived with for 25+ years and an often uncomfortable one. I wonder how my life would have been different if the world had been more accepting of transgender issues twenty years ago as I ventured into the world on my own. If I had the resources of the internet available to me then where I could have learned I was not alone. How different would my life have turned out?

And now I have a son that is struggling with the hardwiring shared in our genetic code that makes the touch of women's clothing attractive to him. I have a son that may struggle with it because society, although more accepting than it was for me, makes pariahs out if heterosexual men that enjoy wearing a skirt and heels. So much so that even now, my wife wants my gender expression kept a secret from the children (and I think this is mostly because she doesn't want the children blurting out the secret to classmates and friends instead of being ashamed of it).

How do I help my son through this turmoil? For the time-being I think I have dissuaded him from trying on his sister's clothing by telling him he is too big for her clothes and shouldn't wear her clothes because he'll stretch them out. I very carefully tried to not shame him or tell him it was wrong to wear girls' clothes, just to not wear his sister's things because he's eight and she's several years younger than him and smaller in size. But what else do I do now? How else do I help him navigate through this? It isn't like a mother helping her daughter understand her first period where information is widely available and accepted. I don't want him to struggle with it like I did and I don't want him to be teased and taunted by his peers either. He's a good boy and has had enough struggles in his life so far. This shouldn't be one of them.

[bridget thronton]

If he is at that point - it might be good to get him a dress or two for play clothes (I know that has some risk but if he is hardwired as you suspect it will be hard for him to stop and if it is only a phase he will move on without the feeling of guilt)

[Sheren Kelly]

Your first and foremost duty is to love and support your son.

You should address the issue in a way that is fair. He should know that it is OK to explore who he is and how he expresses himself, but that there are others who will not understand and be hurtful to him. You may want to set up some boundaries for him to keep him safe, letting him dress at home only certain days or occasions where you can protect him. If his gender issues are persistent, then counceling is in order. There are resources for transparents that you can find online.

The New York Times Magazine of Aug 12, 2012 did a great feature entitled "What's Wrong With A Boy Who Wears A Dress?" If you can find it online, it may help you,

Good Luck!

[Beverley Sims]

I think you ar going in the right direction with advice. How does your wife see this?
I can agree she does not want you to come out yet as it would add to the dilemma.
If your wife is accepting you do not have to put barriers in front of your son and guide him without encouraging him to dress, if that is what he wants.
The other two children will become accepting if you do not react in a negative way but you will have to explain to them that it is to remain a family secret because of the repercussions from outside the family.

[CassandraSmith]

One thing that was drilled into our training as therapists was to not allow your sh** to enter into the dialog with the client (I'm out of that game now by choice though). If you were a typical parent, the reaction would be to shame him likely and punish the behavior. We all know where this leads--the behavior goes underground and becomes even more supercharged.

Given that you get CDing, you are in the unique position to simply allow him to choose his own path without any interference and to placate your wife, any assistance.

You're real problem is still your wife. You both need to get some therapy about your CDing. Really, she's the one needing therapy because she's the one really having difficulty dealing with it, not you. You'll just have to go to facilitate the dialog.

You'll need to move also somewhere there's a transgendered community (like Portland has) where it's overall a safer environment for him to grow up in. If you're church going, find one that's the most open minded you can. And choose friends that are the least judgmental and most open minded about gender stuff without pushing an agenda necessarily.

The one thing I envy about this generation is that they get to choose from so much. Our options were not only limited in my day but some things were even still illegal in some states. I still have my reservations about the APA too because it wasn't many years ago that they were "treating" introversion as a disorder. Idiots. In the future, Reparative Therapy will be seen in the same barbaric terms.

Here's that article, What's So Bad About... (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/12/magazine/whats-so-bad-about-a-boy-who-wants-to-wear-a-dress.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0) in the NY Times also.

That was a good read. What I've often thought is how when parents have a tomboy, no one gets all worried about it. She becomes dad's favorite, they go fishing, he teaches her how to spin a wrench, he brags that she can change a tire and in general everyone just goes about things like nothing's wrong.

Flip it upside down. Mom spends time with him teaching him the finer points of make up, clothes shopping, color sense and floral arranging. She takes him with her to the Yarn Mart and quilting store. He does pottery and mom brags to her friends that he is an excellent seamstress and that he even sewed up this dress for her birthday.

We live in a strange world of double standards don't we?

[Kate Simmons]

Just tell your Son that you are his Dad and are always going to be there for him, no matter what. It's the person we love not what anyone else thinks they should become.:)

[Joanne f]

I would also say that you went about it in the best way that you could have at that time by not saying it was wrong to wear a dress but not really right to take his sisters clothes , I think if you are to openly acceptive of it then you may very well have problems with your wife over it but it would be right to talk with her about it and explain that the worst thing you could do is to condemn it and tell him off for liking to wear different clothes so a sort of supportive none reaction type of thing might work best for all of you , but there is one thing that would worry me and that is what is he doing with the pictures on the iPhone and who is seeing them that is one thing you do need to sort out for his safety.
The next problem is going to be whether you buy him something of his own to wear but that should only go ahead with the agreement from you wife .

[Jenniferathome]

Well, this can be a phase and it can be that he is a cross dresser. There is the possibility that he is transgender but he is very young for that to be relevant now. He's curious but there are consequences to others finding out.

To me, step one is talking to him, one on one, preferably with you and your wife. It would start with something like this, " Son, I know this may be embarrassing but we want to talk to you about wearing your sisters clothes. I'm sure you understand that this is kind of unique for most boys and some people will not be able to understand why you like it. It's really important that you understand we are not mad, we are not offended and we want you to know that we love you and you can say anything to us. Would you like to talk now? (if yes, great. if no, no big deal). Now, If you are really curious, we can buy you a few things of your own. Would you like that?

You are treading rare waters but you have to start. Good luck.

[Barbara Ella]

As has been said, so far so good. But, you cannot do anything with your son on your own. You and your wife need to work on this together. If she is having problems, it may make working with your son difficult. I do not know if she is one to harbor conspiratorial thoughts, that you are doing this with your son against her, I would hope not. You both need to be on the same page with this before bring it up with your son. If you are in the slightest disagreement, he will be conflicted even more. The two adults here have quite a bit or talking to do before bring the son into the discussion.

Barbara

[Lorileah]

He's 8. He is trying things and in this case it is not something that is harmful to him. He may or may not take it any further. Letting him have some leeway is the smart move. He knows what other kids say about boys who like girl things and if you reinforce that he will just believe there is something wrong with him. He hasn't asked for anything more than trying the clothes. If he does you can handle that situation as it comes along. One person above suggested getting him his own. That is a good idea because sneaking and wearing other peoples clothing without their permission is a bad thing. It is deceitful. And you can make limits (right now) as to where he can wear it. I would suspect that this will fade away, but if it does not, then you have at least shown him that you can and do trust him and that he should NEVER be afraid to come to you when he needs guidance and a friend. You have a unique perspective on this and you know from your own experience that many men feel like they are strange and not "normal". You can show him that he is neither. Curiosity is a healthy normal thing. If he pursues this beyond this stage, you at least know what is going on and you will be there to help and protect him.

My younger brothers played with girl kitchen stuff and both learned to sew from my grandmother. They are now excellent adults who are very good cooks and can repair anything (not just clothes). Their brother (me) did everything in his power to try and be macho... :) (I am a good cook also). My parents allowed us to try anything we wanted to try. They were there in case we failed but we were allowed to explore what we wanted. :)

[Eryn]

"Look at what your son is doing," my wife says to me handing me his iPhone with a picture on the screen of my eight year old son wearing one of his sister's dresses. Later, she confides in me that she is worried about him. This is not the first time he has been caught trying on his younger sister's clothes. There are at least two other instances that I know of that I didn't share with his mother. I ask my son about it later and at first he says he did it because his younger brother dared him to. With a little further prodding he admits it is because he is curious about girls' clothing and likes the way it feels.

Your 8-year-old son has his own iPhone? Wow!

Let us look at this rationally. EVERY young male who has lived close to females has tried on their clothing at one time or another. There may be an exception or two, but put an 8-year old of either gender in a room with a pair of Mom's pumps and pretty soon you will hear the clack of heels. I have never heard of this experimentation causing any problem at all for either the boy or society at large. Experimentation is just part of growing up. It is only we adults who wrap a mantle of shame around something so trivial.

How about if the situation were reversed, and it was his sister trying on his clothes? Nothing negative would be said and Mom might even comment how cute it was that she was wearing his flannel shirts.

Double standard? Definitely, but just because it has been done in the past doesn't mean that we have to perpetuate it. Stand up for your son's right to experiment. He shouldn't have to make excuses ("brother dared him") for being curious!

[Jennifer in CO]

Heres a thought you can run with or run by your wife. As its winter here, buy him a long-sleeved t shirt, pair of jeans and a pair of panties. But get the top and jeans from the girls/Jr's dept and get them in dark colors. They'll look just like boy stuff, but he's cross dressing (and tell him that). If that makes him happy, then no one is the wiser. If he's into the soft/sensual fabrics, you can still buy him a blouse thats not too girly that he just wears around the house or out under a zipped up coat when he's out with one of the "parental units'. Goodwill and similar stores are great (and cheap) for this part of the education. Nylon or satin sleep sets are also an option. He can wear it to bed, if he comes out of his room he has to wear a robe - no one sees him, and he has to show no one.

just thoughts -

Jenn

[arbon]

How do I help my son through this turmoil? .

How do you know there is turmoil he needs help through. What if you don't do anything, just leave it as a non issue?

[Rogina B]

Heres a thought you can run with or run by your wife. As its winter here, buy him a long-sleeved t shirt, pair of jeans and a pair of panties. But get the top and jeans from the girls/Jr's dept and get them in dark colors. They'll look just like boy stuff, but he's cross dressing (and tell him that). If that makes him happy, then no one is the wiser. If he's into the soft/sensual fabrics, you can still buy him a blouse thats not too girly that he just wears around the house or out under a zipped up coat when he's out with one of the "parental units'. Goodwill and similar stores are great (and cheap) for this part of the education. Nylon or satin sleep sets are also an option. He can wear it to bed, if he comes out of his room he has to wear a robe - no one sees him, and he has to show no one.
-

Jenn
Seems like this is forcing him...Better to ask him if he would like his own dress ,panties,etc..It may be only a phase as others have said.And if it isn't,perhaps he will be comfortable enough to let you know.

[Leah Lynn]

Let your son know that your love is unconditional. That what he wants to do as far as exploring this facet, if okay. You know where you are in your journey, if he wants to take the same road, make the journey smoother for him. It may not be anything, but then, again, he may be on the same road as you. Or he may be transgender. Not you, nor your SO knows where he is. Allow him to explore, perhaps with his own feminine clothing, and let him decide where he is on this incredible journey called life. If he wants to be referred to as a girl, let him (her) know it is okay. If he shows these signs, I would suggest going to Google +, where Barbara Walters' interview with Jazz is posted, and see what he thinks of that. I was beaten and humiliated for wearing girl's clothing at a young age; show your son love and respect for his decisions.

With love,
Leah

[ReineD]

If he were my son, I'd tell him it is not OK to wear other people's clothes without asking them, and I'd get him his own clothes. I would also explain to him that although there is nothing wrong with boys who like girls' things, it is not something that the world understands all that well and other people often make fun of boys who like to dress like girls. It's likely that he has already figured that out though.

And then I'd tell him that I love him and always will, no matter how he likes to dress.

Your wife cannot stop your son from being who he is and if she is secretly blaming you for it, she needs to stop. There are many support websites for parents of transgender children and I should think that as his mother, your wife would also be interested in knowing the best possible way to handle this, in a way that will not shame your son nor push him to a level that may be beyond what your son wants.

This article was posted in the Media section a while back. It may not be what you'll want to do, but I thought it was very touching.

http://gawker.com/5938676/father-of-the-year-helps-dress+wearing-son-feel-comfortable-by-putting-on-a-skirt-himself

[Rogina B]

Leah brings up the idea of following another kids journey...And I follow a blog that a Boston are mother writes about raising a transgender kid..it is called George Jessie love and you can google it. George was 10 when he wanted to live as Jessie who is now 11.My daughter is 11 as well,so I can relate to that age.. There are so many positive things happening for these kids,support is out there for you and it's within reach.

[sometimes_miss]

Virtuagrl, are you absolutely certain that your son isn't simply 'doing what daddy does'? Sons will do that to emulate dad. Kids get into everything; EVERYTHING in the house, at least, I did, and my friends were the same way. It's much easier to pretend everything's fine, that no one suspects what you're doing. But you may be surprised. If there's any, any evidence at all that he can come across, then your behavior and that influence will show on his behavior. Remember, you've been trying to hide it, so that will be observed behavior that he will see as well. Kids can be very perceptive about that too, and not necessarily call you out on what he's discovered, that you're obviously trying to hide. Yet he still wants to be 'like dad', so he can want to dress up even if it's not something natural to him.

And you have to really find out what he means by 'likes the way it feels'. Too many of us hide the gender dysphoria by pretending that it's all about the pretty fabrics and sensations on the skin, when in reality, it's about being more comfortable in the identitiy of a girl. Or again, is it simply something he's seen or heard 'daddy do' and is using the same response?

Like any other parents, you're going to have to figure all of this out, without implying to him what kind of response you expect from him. Give him the 'boy options' and see where that goes, I mean sports, take him to games, hunting, whatever you and your guy friends do (and I don't mean surfing the crossdresser websites!), I mean what stereotypical guys do. Then see if he enjoys going shopping with only mom and sis in the girls clothing department, or if he seems uncomfortable there with nothing to do (as most boys will when exposed to an entire day being forced to hang around with the girls doing girl things AND NO, YOU CAN'T GO WITH THEM TO GO SHOPPING FOR GIRL THINGS because that will only reinforce the 'I wanna be like daddy' behavior. He has to see what it's like to be with ONLY GIRLS for long extended periods of time, and your wife will be able to tell if it's natural for him, or if he seems to feel out of place. When you visit relatives, see if he prefers spending time with, oh, female cousins if he has them, instead of going out to play with other boys, and see how he behaves with them. Is he enthusiastic about playing with the girls about girl things? Or does he just kind of sit there, tolerating it? Same with playing with the boys. And again, you can't be obviously THERE watching him, because he'll want to perform like the 'little man' you will seem to want him to be. Discuss this with his teachers at school, too, to see which way he seems to be going. Remember, there's always the possibility that he won't feel like he fits in anywhere because of conflicting feelings.

Because no matter how much crossdressers like to think that we think like girls, or feel the way girls do, we don't....unless we're truly transsexual. Women think and behave differently than men do. They use language differently (indirect speech rather than direct). They read into other people's behavior and attribute feelings and thoughts to those other people that are not always there.

There is going to be a strong desire in you to see things in him that may not be there, either to support the concept that 'we're both born that way', or even perhaps to make you feel better about yourself and your own crossdressing. Beware of those thoughts, comforting to yourself as they might be. You have to remain completely objective about all this, to see exactly where it goes.

And, from your initial post, I'm afraid you won't be able to do this. I suggest finding a therapist, a very, very good one, who specializes in gender identity disorders, or whatever term you feel comfortable using. Your son is at a very vulnerable age, one in which not only his supposed 'hardwiring' can influence him, but what you do as well as say, and even what he does himself will influence which way he goes with this in the future (it all happened to me at the very same age).

Although many people like to believe that all of our personality as well as sexual I.D. is set in stone at the moment of birth, that's not true. Lots of things about us continue to develop throughout our lives, some heavily influence by our genetics, others, not as much; and it can be different for each of us. Although your son shares half your dna, that doesn't mean he's going to be exactly like you, no matter how much a parent wishes that their child be exactly like themselves.

You're in Colorado; home to the famous hospital that did all those SRS procedures. Certainly there must be some very good therapists in your home state that can help you with this. Because no matter what you want to believe, neither you nor your wife will be able to be completely objective about this.